A Very Special Episode Of Jerry Springer Written by Jessie If one wishes to talk to the author about anything, she’s reached at: blackmooncatsy@usa.net -----Foreword----- The following is a work of fiction. No bad juju is intended towards Takeuchi-sama, black people, the hick population, or Jackie Chiang. All mention of the great Jackie-sama’s works is used with only the best intentions. Please don’t kill me. Which brings me to my next point. This is a PARODY. I am a raving otaku of BSSM, but had a lot of free time on my hands one long weekend. The following is my attempt at humor. If anyone takes this seriously, that probably means you’ve got even more time on your hands than I do. This fanfic also deals with some rather adult topics. No hentai (although a lot is hinted at). Hey, it is Jerry Springer, after all. Basically, if you’re offended by a string of bleeps or risqué topics, stop reading this now, ‘cause it’s not going to be your cup of tea. That being said, let’s begin the show! ------------------ [Mandatory Bandai Logo] [Clips from the coming episode] ANNOUNCER Today, on Jerry Springer... Rivals fight for their man! [Scenes of Queen Beryl hitting Neherenia on the head with a chair] A girl with two boyfriends! [Clip of Naru looking flustered as she sits between Nephrite and Umino] Sex!!!!! [Scenes of Queen Beryl taking off her top] And, of course, the mandatory fights! [Clips of Umino whacking Nephrite where the sun doesn’t shine with a baseball bat; Queen Beryl getting blasted from some unseen energy source] All this and more on the next Jerry Springer!! [Jerry Springer’s theme song is played, and Jerry walks out to the crowd’s chants of, "Jerry, Jerry!!"] JERRY Thank you. We have an exciting show planned for you today. We have as guests the Sailor Senshi themselves, along with those of who know them. [Loud cheers from the audience] JERRY Now, let’s bring out our first guests, Osaka Naru and Umino Gurio! [Naru-chan and Umino-kun walk out and sit down] JERRY Now, Naru, Umino. What is your story? [Umino begins to speak up, but Naru smacks him] NARU Well, Jerry, here's how it is. Before I got involved with Umino here, I was kind of accident-prone. I seemed to get attacked by monsters a lot. It’s almost like I’d become, "Naru-chan, Official Battery of the Bad Guys" or something. But, after awhile, I stopped getting attacked, and moved on to a normal life. JERRY So, that’s your summary? [Naru nods] JERRY I assume that means you have no idea why you were called here? [Naru shakes her head] [Jerry smiles] JERRY Well then, let’s bring out Nephrite! [Nephrite walks out in his business man attire] [Naru’s jaw drops to the ground] NARU N--Nephrite???!!!! Bu... But you’re dead! Aren’t you? NEPHRITE You talk like people ever really stay dead in the Sailor Moon universe. Besides, I’ve been brought back in so many fanfics, it’s like I never left. UMINO (angrily) And, who the HELL are you???? NARU Er... Um... Umino-kun... This is Nephrite... He was my first boyfriend... UMINO NANINANINANI????????? NEPHRITE I am Nephrite. I was a part of the Dark Kingdom until I fell in love with Naru and subsequently got killed because of it. UMINO Are you saying you want MY Naru-chan? NEPHRITE In a nutshell, yes. [Umino screams and picks up his chair, bringing it down on top of Nephrite. He is subsequently pulled away by really big security men, and separated from Nephrite and Naru by a single chair] NARU Oh, God... This is the last time I respond to an Usagi invitation... [Umino gets back up, wielding a baseball bat. He whacks Nephrite where the sun doesn’t shine] NEPHRITE (His voice a few octaves higher) That’s it, you little weasel! Now I’m gonna kick your little geek ass!! [He puts a hand on Naru’s breast, and drains energy from her. He then sends a large blast of dark energy at Umino, who is burnt to a crisp] NARU Oh, my god!! You killed Umino! JERRY Er... well... I think it’s time to go to a commercial... NOW! (whispering) Someone clean that mess up! [CM Break] [Some business guy stands against a gray background] BUSINESS GUY Have you been in an accident? If so, you are liable to collect millions of dollars because the American legal system is so screwed up that anyone can threaten to sue and make millions! Call 1800-WE-SUE-U now! [End of CM Break] [Naru is making out with Nephrite in the corner of the stage] JERRY Next, we have a special treat for you. The Outer Senshi!! [Sailors Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto walk out and sit down] JERRY Wait a minute... Isn’t there a Sailor Saturn? Where is she? PLUTO (whispering) She got ill and had to stay home (at audible level) To do our housework! NEPTUNE Ara... Setsuna... You said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet again... PLUTO Damn it! It’s all this freaking whispering I have to do! What the hell’s with my character?! "Dead Scream," bah! If I was allowed to talk at normal levels, embarrassing stuff like this wouldn’t happen! [Pluto continues to ramble on as Neptune tries to calm her down. Uranus merely fidgets in her seat impatiently] JERRY Well, now that was interesting, wasn’t it? Next we have a man with an interesting relationship to the Sailor Senshi. Here is Chiba Mamoru!! [Mamoru walks out and sits down] JERRY Now, if I’m reading this card right, you’re actually Sailor Moon’s boyfriend?? MAMORU Yes, that’s true, although I spend so much time needing rescuing, one has to wonder who’s the man in this relationship. [Uranus snickers] MAMORU Shut up, Haruka. Unless you want a rose stuck up your anus. URANUS Oh, like I haven’t heard that one a million times! [She takes the Space Sword out of wherever the senshi pull those swords and stick thingies from] You’d better be prepared to back that up, Cape Boy! MAMORU Oh, yeah? You lesbian [beep] URANUS You [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep] [beep] [beep]! MAMORU I thought I told Luna to keep quiet about that! [Uranus gets up and starts punching Mamoru] [The big security guards get up to break up the fight, then see Uranus’ sword and decide against it] JERRY (From his very safe spot in the audience) Can someone break this up? Sailors? PLUTO Do we look stupid? [Neptune sighs and walks over to Uranus. She whispers something in Uranus’ ear] URANUS Are we even allowed to do that on national Tv? Kids watch this, you know. NEPTUNE Yes, but there are some things in life only adults can enjoy... [Uranus turns red and follows Neptune off stage] JERRY Er... I guess it’s time for our next guest. She’s also got some emotional ties to Mamoru here. Let’s meet Beryl, former queen of the Dark Kingdom! [Queen Beryl walks out in a black leather outfit that looks like a Sailor Starlight uniform. She walks down to center stage, where she unzips her top and gives the cheering audience a peep show] JERRY Okay... Ms. Beryl, can you give us a summary of what happened after the sailor senshi defeated you so many years ago? BERYL Sure Jerry. When Mettallia possessed me, Sailor Moon thought I was dead. But, I was just really, really hurt. After walking around as a living Band-Aid for a few months, I discovered my true calling. I’m now one of the main attractions at Barney’s Strip Parlor, over on 69th and Cherry Hill. JERRY And, this lifestyle pleases you? BERYL Well, the tips are great. The only thing I miss is my Endymion. JERRY Endymion? BERYL Yeah. That’s him, right there [She points to Mamoru, who blushes] MAMORU (whispering) Please, not here... Not on Tv... Usagi’ll kill me... [Beryl snaps her fingers, and Mamoru drops to his knees. He bows at Beryl’s feet] MAMORU Yes, Mistress... I will be your love slave... BERYL Now, that’s the way I like my men! JERRY Um... Yes... This is interesting... Perhaps it’s time for another guest who’ll add more interest to this mix. Neherenia, Queen of the Dead Moon! [Neherenia runs out and smacks Beryl with a mirror, breaking it on her head] BERYL AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! YOU [beep]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Endymion! Kill her! [Mamoru rises blindly] NEHERENIA Mamo-chan!! Kill HER!! [Mamoru pauses, not sure of which villaness’ order to follow] [The two women growl and start at each other again. They start pulling hair] [The huge security guards pull them apart] NEHERENIA NO!!! She’ll take my man!! I can’t let her!!!!!!!!! [The men sit her in the corner and hand her a mirror] NEHERENIA Ooohhhhh... Look at my face... I’m so gorgeous... JERRY Now that we’ve filled our fight quotient of the day, tell us what it’s like to work in a strip joint, Ms. Beryl. BERYL Oh, it’s nothing all that special. I do some dancing, mostly lapdancing. Should I show you? [The crowd cheers] BERYL I’ll take that as a yes. [She climbs onto Mamoru’s lap and begins shoving her breasts in his face] [The crowd cheers louder] [Jerry sits in the audience, waiting to regain control of his show] VOICE Machinasai!!!!! [A blast of power comes from nowhere and kills Beryl. Sailor Moon then runs on-stage. The perky background music that always seems to start when she shows up begins to play] MOON Ai to seigi no Seeraa fuku bishoujo senshi Seera Muun!!!!!! Tsuki ni kawatte, Oshiyokiyo!!! [she motions to Beryl’s dead body] And, that’s what you get when you mess with my man! MAMORU Eeeeeehhhhhhh.... Usako..... Hi. MOON (coldly) Don’t you “Usako” me!! I’ll deal with you when we’re NOT on national Tv. AUDIENCE Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........ MAMORU Shut up, will ya? I’m in enough trouble here! [Sailor Moon takes a seat beside Mamoru] URANUS’ VOICE (from backstage) Oooohhh yeah, Neptune!!! Make me feel like the wind!!!!!!!!!! NEPTUNE’S VOICE (giggling) Now, now... Be good! You don’t want to get the seas angry, now do you? URANUS’ VOICE Yes I do!!!! Come on, punish me!! Punish me!!! [Jerry shakes his head] JERRY I’m hoping we can get some peace now. Our next guest is Sailor Venus. Let’s hope there’s nothing too crazy about her. [The big security guys drag out a blond girl in a straight jacket] BIG SECURITY GUY 1 This is just a stop on her route to the local mental institution. JERRY My God! What happened to her? VENUS IT’S THE JACKIE CHIANG FANFICS!!!!!!!!!!!!! JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!! JACKIE CHIANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIG SECURITY GUARD 2 Sure thing, kid. Let’s go off to that happy land of fluffy bunnies now, okay? VENUS Is that the place with the pretty white walls? BIG SECURITY GUARD 1 Yep. VENUS Think they’ll let me keep my belt this time? [The big security guards drag her away] [Jerry rubs his forehead as if he has a headache] JERRY Sailor Jupiter? Please be sane. [Sailor Jupiter runs out, carrying a pink scarf] JUPITER Haruka-san? I brought your scarf back!!!! JERRY Er... Sailor Uranus left. [Jupiter looks crestfallen] [Sailor Uranus runs back on-stage and whispers something in Jupiter’s ear. Jupiter’s face brightens and she runs off with Uranus] JERRY That was short. Here’s Sailor Mercury! [nothing happens] MOON (whispering) Oh, Mercury’s busy and can’t be here... (at audible level) She’s doing my homework! PLUTO Sailor Moon... loud part soft... MOON Oopsie! Ignore that last part... JUPITER’S VOICE With both of you??? I’ve never done that before... JERRY (In the midst of a sweatdrop) I’m hoping Sailor Mars’ll stay put for more than a few seconds... [A very pregnant Sailor Mars walks out] MOON Rei-chan!! What happened?? MAMORU (whispering) I knew it was a bad idea to go on a talk show... MARS Oh, you mean the baby? The father is... I don’t know if I should say this on Tv... BAKA AUDIENCE MEMBER Say it!!! MARS Well, of course I’m going to say it! I just wanted to make it look like it was hard for me! The father of this baby is... [dramatic pause] MARS Mamoru!! [Sailor Moon looks at Mamoru, and fire spews from the background] MOON Mamo-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Mamoru hides behind the still intimate Nephrite and Naru] NARU Ooh, a threesome? Well, since everyone else in the Sailor Moon universe seems to have a crush on you, why not? MOON Does this mean what I think it does?? NEPHRITE Naru’s going to be really sore in the morning? MOON No, baka!! If Mamo-chan doesn’t want me to steal a Starlight uniform and show him what they were REALLY made for, he’ll leave you two alone. I was asking about how Mars got pregnant. MARS Well, baka, there’s only one way to make a baby. MOON You [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep]ing [beep]!!!!! [She picks up a chair and throws it at Mars. The fight continues until the big security guards make another appearance and break them apart] JERRY Y’know, we really should nail those chairs down... PLUTO Um... Sailor Moon... I don’t think hurting the baby’s something you want to do... MOON And, why not? That little hoochy [beep]ed my man!! PLUTO Um... If you value the future of the world, you wouldn’t kill it. That baby is... [deliberate pause] PLUTO The kid’s going to be Chibiusa. MOON (quoting Umino’s earlier question) NANINANINANI????? [Pluto blushes] PLUTO Sorry I didn’t tell you before... We all thought it was best if you believed she was your daughter... That, and Mars wanted to see the look on your face. MOON But, wouldn’t the world be much better off without the little brat?? PLUTO True, but it’s my unfortunate duty to make sure time flows the way it should, therefore preventing a time paradox that would wipe out all life on the planet, not to mention my cozy little place in Maui. [Jerry listens to the director yelling things into his headphone] JERRY (whispering) Now It’s time for my favorite part of the show... audience participation! (at audible level) Oh, no... Not that!!! There is no god!! (yelling) Damn it!! Now I’m doing it!! [Jerry walks into the audience, where an indignant negro lady steals the microphone from him] NEGRO LADY Yeah... I’d like to talk to the girl in the back with the bright orange hair. I thought the little dead geek boy was your boyfriend. How come you didn’t beat the crap outta that other guy? NEPHRITE Because she’s agreed to devote her energy to the noble cause of our relationship!! She no longer needs to be limited to the confines of human romance! She’s getting it from the best now, baby! NEGRO LADY Humph! Well, I’m just sayin’ that if it was me over there, I’d [beep] [beep] [beep] that [beep]’s [beep]in’ [beep] [beep]!!! [cheers from the audience] [Jerry now goes to a white hick man] HICK MAN Um.. Yeah. I kinda want to know if I can go out wit that cute chick wit da mirrah? NEHERENIA Are you willing to be my loyal servant and give up your soul to keep me young and beautiful forever? HICK MAN Sure. I ain’t usin’ it none. [Jerry quickly backs away from the hick man and goes to another lady] LADY I’m interested in knowing what’s going to happen between that guy and Sailor Moon when they get home. [The audience cheers] MOON Well, not that it’s any of your business, but he’ll be getting quite a talking-to. MARS (slyly) And, then he’ll be getting a whipping! MOON WHAT????? [The big security guards stop the catfight before it starts, and then complain that they don’t get paid enough] [Jerry sighs] JERRY Ugh... What a disaster... Just go to a commercial, will you? When we come back, I’ll have my final thoughts. [CM break] [End of CM break] JERRY We saw a different side of the sailor senshi today. Violent, sadistic, really, really, POed. This was a stretch from the good-hearted girls we’d come to know and love. But, that is no reason to lose faith in them. Despite their personal problems, they’ve always been able to band together as a team and save the world. But that doesn’t mean you should imitate them. They’re not always right, y’know. Just because Sailor Mars feels it’s okay to carry Mamoru’s love child doesn’t make it all right for you to do the same. Just because Sailor Venus has been driven insane in too many Jackie Chiang fanfics to mention doesn’t mean she’s not an incredible author. You have to remember the difference between reality and fiction. [he pops an asprin] And never let the two merge if you know what’s good for your own sanity. I’m Jerry Springer, and that’s my final thought. [End] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So, what do you think? This was my first humor fanfic; should I write more? Remember my email addy: blackmooncatsy@usa.net