SAILOR MOON MEETS HITLER The goose-stepping fanfiction brought to you by: Chibi X & General Slaughter ------------------------------------------- SCENE I (We join our favorite group of super-powered Japanese schoolgirls--except for those Japanese porno models, y'know--the Sailor Senshi, as they sit down to watch the most Nazi-riffic of all television stations: the History Channel!) TV: For the History Channel, I'm Roger Mudd. Now, strap yourself in for some goose-steppin' action in the way such as only the Nazis can provide. We proudly present a History Channel originial: "The Nazis--A Warning from History...That Nothing Could Ever Be So Badass Again." USAGI: Fuckin' A!! This is my favorite soap opera! AMI: (Looking up from reading a book.) Uh...Usagi-chan, this isn't a fictional show. It's a documentary about real historical events. The Nazis were the National Socialist German Workers' Party which came to power in Germany in 1933 and continued their reign under the rulership of Adolf Hitler--the greatest man to ever live--until 1945. MINAKO: So...that dreamy Adolf Eichmann was a real guy! Sweet... REI: Shut your fucking pie-hole, bitch! I'm trying to watch this badass Nazi shit. MAKOTO: Right on, Rei--tell those Jew-lovin' hos what for! LUNA: Girls...what the FUCK are you TALKING ABOUT?!?! Why are you loving Nazis and hating Jews all of a sudden? MINAKO: It's the latest trend in Japan. All the kids are doing it. (Setsuna, AKA Sailor Pluto, walks into the room with some popcorn.) SETSUNA: All the kids are doing what? REI: Joining the Nazi Party and burning stupid, Jew-boy synagogues. SETSUNA: What?! Gott in himmel! (Setsuna looks at the TV and beholds the Nazis in all their badass glory, throwing up the bowl of popcorn.) LUNA: I'm glad someone has some sense about them--besides me, that it. These Ratzi programs rot the mind of young, impressionable girls like you, turning you into Nazi murder-machines. USAGI: Yeah, pretty much. So, what's the problem? SETSUNA: The problem is that you're becoming racist anti-Semites. (Suddenly, Haruka and Michiru--Sailors Uranus and Neptune, respectively--stop by to see this conflict a-brewing.) HARUKA: What's going on here? LUNA: The girls are becoming Neo-Nazi racists. MICHIRU: Racists? I thought you girls were mature enough to have learned to accept and greatbrace the differences between us. We may be separated by our varying cultures on this planet, but we are joined by our humanity. Each one of us is unique and special in his or her own way--realizing this is a key element to truly enjoying life. REI: Just like a fuckin', carpet-muncher dyke to say that! Fuck off--you're ruining the Hitler! LUNA: Dear God... SETSUNA: Luna, I have an idea. A little history lesson might be just what these girls need. LUNA: Hmm...I'm intrigued. What have you in mind? SETSUNA: This. Listen up, Senshi! Since you obviously are having some difficulty in distinguishing the propaganda and the facts about Hitler and Nazism, I think it might be in your best interest to experience Nazi Germany first-hand. MAKOTO: Shut your whore mouth, Setsuna--it's one of Himmler's speeches! SETSUNA: How would you like to meet Hitler and the rest of his cronies? (Out of nowhere, Chibi-usa--AKA the Little Bitch--comes in screaming and wailing like the little bitch she is.) CHIBI-USA: What's going on in here? Is this some kinda lesbian orgy shit or something? Well, if it is, then you can suck on deez nuts, ho! SETSUNA: ...Anyway. I'm going to transport you all back to Germany, circa 1941, so you can see how horrible Adolf Hitler really was. (In a blinding flash of light, Sailor Pluto unlocks the fourth dimension and sends the Senshi--Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto, Minako, and Chibi-usa--back to the land and time of the great Third Reich.) LUNA: Setsuna...first, I'm not entirely sure about this plan. Second, why did you send Chibi-usa back with them? SETSUNA: I'm sure it'll work, Luna, and I sent her back because I'm damn tired of listening to her bitch-bitch-bitch all the time. LUNA: Oh. Well, that's perfectly rational...I suppose. SCENE II (The scene is the Germany-France border in the midst of World War II-era Europe. The year is 1941. Our brave heroines stand baffled by their situation, still dazed from the feeling of their bodies being ripped through the space-time continuum.) REI: Uh...what the fuck just happened. AMI: Well, it's really quite amazing. We were transported through time and space--a feeling I always find rather arousing--and landed in WWII Germany. Actually, this seems to be a little north of Alsace, so we're quite close to France. MAKOTO: I don't want to see no pussy-ass Frenchies! (Suddenly, the Senshi--who, as they now notice, are all in uniform--find themselves surrounded by members of the--ha!--French Resistance.) FRENCHIE 1: Viva le resistance! Sacre bleu, what do we have here? Some red-light district girls? I spit upon you! Spit! Spit! *Hak-tooey!* (The spittle lands right on Makoto's boot and angered by this, she proceeds to break the Frenchy-ass's nose and fries him with lightning.) FRENCHIE 2: What is zis? Zese girls--zey have powers like none I have ever--*Ack!* (His speech was interrupted by the flaming power of Sailor Mars. Too damn bad. Anyway, the other FR guys surround the Senshi, who proceed to quickly use their powers to slaughter them mercilessly.) SAILOR MOON: Let's beat these snail-eatin' bastards to a bloody pulp! Moon Princess Halation!!! SAILOR VENUS: Venus Love-Me Chain!!! That'll round up these fuckers so Mars can set 'em on fire so they die horrible deaths by flame and hellfire! SAILOR MARS: Uh...okay. Burning Madala!!! (The Frenchies die much as that ho Sailor Venus described. As they continue to kill and maim any signs of life they come across, a group of SS troops march by and, seeing the awesome power of the Sailor Senshi, take notice of Sailor Moon's perfect Aryan physique.) SS 1: Vas! Der Uberfraulein! SS 2: (Pointing to Sailor Venus.) Und sie ist auch! SAILOR MERCURY: Hallo! Wegehts ist ihr zwei, heute? SS 1: Guten tag. Ich bin prima. (They talk for a short while, then Sailor Mercury comes to report to the others.) SAILOR MERCURY: Hey! These guys are really cool! They want to take us to meet Hitler himself so he can congratulate the fine work we did on murdering those Frenchie bastards. SAILOR MOON: Sweet! CHIBI-USA: What's the fuck's happenin' here, bitches? Why don't ya just take yer hands outta yer asses and tell me what the fuck's goin' on? SAILOR JUPITER: Aw. Chibi-usa, are you upset? We'll take you with us to meet Hitler--a hero for the ages. CHIBI-USA: Really? Well, fuck all y'all motherfuckers!! ALL: Aww... SAILOR MARS: So? Are we gonna go or are we gonna sit here licking our pussies all day? SS 3: If you're offering... *Ahem* I mean, load up into our badass SS van so we can start on the trek to...the Wolf's Lair. SAILOR MERCURY: Fuckin' A!! SCENE III (Behold, ye mortal men! Behold the shining glory of Hitler! Behold the wonder of the Aryan race! Behold the waxable ass of Eva Braun! Behold...the Wolf's Lair! The Senshi--plus Chibi-usa--ride up to Hitler's mountain hideaway, anticipating their meeting with the Great One. They get off the van and stand in awe of the Lair.) SAILOR MOON: Whoa. This is the fucking shit right here. SAILOR JUPITER: You're goddamn right it is. CHIBI-USA: Is there a snack machine up in this piece? I want some Baked Lays or Ho-Hos! SAILOR MERCURY: That's a leap, from a pseudo-healthy snack to one of the most vile, chemically treated artificial quasi-edible substances on earth. SS 4: Bewegung! Mach schnell! (They enter and see all of the badass Nazi leaders assembled, drinking fine German beer and snacking on bratwurst. Here are, among others: Heinrich Himmler, Reinhard Heydrich, Hermann Goering, Josef Goebbels, Joachim von Ribbentrop, Wilhelm Keitel, Julius Streicher, Adolf Eichmann, Otto Skorzeny, and Josef Mengele.) HIMMLER: Wilkommen! You are the Aryan uberfrauleinen who put down the schweinhund French Resistance. The Nazi Party is much indebted to you all. SAILOR MOON: Why, thank you. I did most of the work, you know, being the leader and all. SAILOR MARS: Yeah, too bad you can barely tie your shoes by yourself. SAILOR MOON: Shut your fucking hole, bitch! Don't you dare greatbarrass me in front of these badass Nazi guys! (With that, Sailor Moon slips on a bratwurst and falls flat on her ass. As can be expected she starts crying, and then Sailor Mars shuts her up by shoving another bratwurst in her mouth.) HITLER: Das ist sehr lustig scheisse! SAILOR JUPITER: Hey, guys...it's the Man. (All the Senshi line up and salute, except for Sailor Moon, who has begun to suck on the bratwurst.) SENSHI: Heil Hitler!! HITLER: You frauleinen did a good job kicking ass on those Frenchies! You behaved like true Aryans. With your powers, you will inherit the earth and make it safe for the Aryan race. SAILOR VENUS: B-but, Mr. Hitler, we're Japanese, not Aryanese. (A certain Adolf Eichmann walks up to aid the confused Sailor Venus.) EICHMANN: Guten tag, fraulein. Allow me to explain some of the intricacies of Nazi philosophy to you...in the bedroom. SAILOR VENUS: Sounds great! And in my favorite place, too! (Eichmann walks off with his arm around Sailor Venus--damn, he's smooth.) CHIBI-USA: Hey, Herr Hitler! HITLER: Ja? CHIBI-USA: You have a silly mustache. Where can I learn to bust caps in stupid Jewsy-ass muthafuckas? HITLER: In the Adolf Hitler School! A pink-haired uber-Aryan like you should fit right in! (Two SS officers walk off with Chibi-Usa. All the Senshi begin to schmooze with the Nazi crowd.) KEITEL: Jews suck. SAILOR MERCURY: O-kay. So, Herr Ribbentrop, what are your foreign policy goals for this year? RIBBENTROP: Well, mostly to drink beer and schnaups while I play croquet in the backyard of my mansion. SAILOR JUPITER: Herr Himmler, are you trying to get me in bed with you? HIMMLER: ...Yes. Yes, I am. You see, if we take one hundred men and one hundred women and put them in a room, them we'll have fifty Aryan children, therefore it follows logically that you should sleep with me. (Soon thereafter, Hitler calls the Senshi to meet on his patio and sip wine with himself and his mistress, movie star Eva Braun.) HITLER: Sailor Senshi, are you? It is truly a pleasure to have you here at the Wolf's Lair. I hope you found the rest of my associates pleasant. SAILOR MARS: We certainly did, Herr Hitler. HITLER: Good. I want to tell you all about something--something about the Final Solution. SAILOR MOON: Oh, really? If this Final Solution is anything like those pansy-ass Frenchies we handled earlier today, then we're on the case, even though I'll end up doing most of the work, since I'm the leader and these are a bunch of lazy-ass hos. (Sailor Mars bitch-slaps Sailor Moon.) SAILOR MARS: Dumbass! The Final Solution is killing all those filthy ass Hebes. SAILOR MOON: Oh. Well, that's cool, too. EVA: It sure is. And you know what else is cool? Lesbian sex. HITLER: Eva, we've talked about this before...they're just chidren. EVA: Oh...sorry. HITLER: Quite all right. Now, back to the Final Solution. In the future, I will be branded as one of the most despicable men in all of history. Some will call me the Anti-Christ. Some will call me Satan himself. But I am neither; I am a man. A man! I am but a pawn in the grand scheme--the ultimate act of conniving--by the very people of whom I am made to be an enemy. It is true, my uberfrauleinen, it is the Jews who mastermind the Holocaust of their own people. What was I but an aspiring artist, scraping by on odd jobs, near-suicidal over my rejection into the Viennese Art Academy? Was I a monster then? Nein! NEIN!! Am I a monster now! Nein! NEIN!! But it is my fate, to be but a cog in the machine. It is they, the Jews, who took me, Adolf Hitler, painter-in-training, and transformed me into Adolf Hitler, Der Fuerher. They plan to protect their people by making the ultimate sacrifice of millions of lives--blood on my hands, not theirs. With me as the clever facade for their crimes, the Jewish leaders plan to kill of as many of their own people as possible, then to expose this crime to the world, blaming it all on me and my National Socialist Party. Then, the world will dedicate itself to the protection of the Jewish people--protection from men like me, the simple painters and craftsmen, not the true enemy, the Jews themselves. Alas, there is nothing I can do. I am merely a puppet, going through the motions. (Hitler composes himself after this greatotional example of oratory excellence, parting his hair back and adjusting his swastika armband.) SAILOR MARS: That was all total bullshit, right? HITLER: Of course it was! But it's a damn good cover story if I ever get caught, huh? SAILOR MARS: I suppose. HITLER: Damn straight it is! SCENE IV (The Sailor Senshi--Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Mercury--face their first mission as Nazi special agents. They must destroy a Jewish ghetto!) SS OFFICER: You must enter the ghetto, where all the Jews of this area have been herded, and proceed to eliminate them, one by one. Raze the ghetto, kill the inhabitants, and please try to do so efficiently and with as little mess as possible. SAILOR MOON: Heil Hitler! SS OFFICER: Yes...of course. (The SS officer drives off, leaving the Senshi to wreak bloody vengeance on the Jews.) SAILOR JUPITER: Let's put the fear of God--that's a Christian God, mind you--into these motherfucking pig-dogs! Supreme Thunder Dragon!! SAILOR MERCURY: Damn straight, Jupiter! I'll freeze some Jewsies and then kick their heads off! Shabon Spray Freezing!! SAILOR MOON: I'll beat some Jews to death with my Moon Scepter! How ya like that menorah-boy?! SAILOR MARS: I'll burn these rats outta their holes--this'll teach 'em to kill Jesus! Fire Soul!! (While the ghetto burns and the Jews freeze, Sailor Moon takes a more brutal approach to extermination--she beats them with a stick. While bashing in the conniving brain of a rabbi, some bits of blood and brain matter splatter onto Sailor Moon's boot. Horrified by this happening, Sailor Moon uses her Moon powers to vaporize the Christ-killer.) SAILOR MOON: Look what happened! SAILOR MARS: So? Your boots are red anyway, retard. SAILOR MOON: But Rei! It's Jew-blood on my boot! I-it's just--just...disgusting! SAILOR MARS: Whatever. Fire Soul!! (After a day's worth of destroying and killing, the Senshi greaterge from the ghetto, tired and filthy like the Jews they were slaughtering, proud with the knowledge that they helped the cause of the Third Reich.) SAILOR MERCURY: This certainly was fun, but I'm so tired. I just want to take a long bubble bath. SAILOR JUPITER: I think I'll have to join you, Ami. SAILOR MERCURY: (Winking at Sailor Jupiter.) I was counting on it, Mako-chan. (Reinhard Heydrich rides up to the Senshi in a badass Nazi staff car.) HEYDRICH: Sailor Senshi, for you outstanding service to the Fuerher and the Reich, I present to you all the highest award our nation bestows upon its loyal servants--the Iron Cross. (He gives Iron Crosses to the Senshi.) HEYDRICH: Wear them proudly, Senshi. Wear the cross knowing that the world is safer because of you--safer for the Aryans! SCENE V (In the present, Setsuna, Michiru, Haruka, and Luna all sit and sip tea, discussing the other girls’ “lesson” to be learned.) LUNA: I’m a cat, but I’m drinking tea. What the fuck is up with this? SETSUNA: Shut your bitch-ass mouth, cat, and drink your tea. MICHIRU: I’m still curious as to why you’re “teaching them a lesson” for taking an interest in Nazis and World War II-era history. I mean, Japan was allied with Nazi Germany as one of the Axis Powers. HARUKA: N-no, Michiru, haven’t you read the new standard history texts to be used in Japanese schools? It says that Japan was one of the noble nations defending freedom and democracy from the Ratzi threat until those finks in the US and Britain double-crossed us! LUNA: That doesn’t make any sense, though… SETSUNA: Do you want to go back to the home? Do you? Okay, then--so drink your tea, bitch! MIRICHU: Oh, Setsuna…the way you order that bitch cat around…I feel faint. HARUKA: Hey! I’m your dyke lover, slut! (Not realizing that all this took place in Usagi’s home, the quartet is reminded when Usagi’s hot-ass mom enters the living room. She is at first startled to see visitors in her home, especially since her daughter is mysteriously absent, but quickly regains her sense and is pleasantly surprised to gaze upon the three lovely young ladies.) IKUKO: H-hello, girls. How are you? ALL: Fine. IKUKO: Oh. Okay. Where’s Usagi? SETSUNA: Off somewhere. You know Usagi. IKUKO: Yes…I do. Intimately. MICHIRU: Would you like to sit down and have some tea, Tsukino-chan? IKUKO: I certainly would, Michiru. Thank you. (Ikuko--in case ya haven’t figgered it out, that’s Usagi’s mom--sits on the couch with a lesbian on either side and sips tentatively from a small tea glass. Michiru slowly extends her arm and places her hand on Ikuko’s leg. Michiru instantly feels the heat of Ikuko’s flesh and becomes aroused. Needless to say, without slipping into the literary style of the Penthouse Forum, this all ends up as a lesbian orgy, with Luna taking the pictures. Damn right, Negroman.) SCENE VI (In the Adolf Hitler School--or AHS as it is affectionately known--Chibi-usa, the super-bitch, is receiving a badass Nazi-style education in ass-kicking, Jew-beating, and basket-weaving. During a morning drill, Chibi-usa learns a valuable lesson.) CHIBI-USA: What are we doing, today, Herr Bubenschnep? I hope beating we’re gonna beat some Hebes! BUBENSCHNEP: Ja, little one. Ve shall today learn the proper vay to beat and maim the Jewish plague. CHIBI-USA: Yay! (Chibi-usa picks up a nightstick and begins to maim a rabbi until there is little left except a bloody stain on the ground.) CHIBI-USA: Yeah! Muthafucka ain’t neva gonna get me! BUBENSCHNEP: Nein, kleine madchen! Ve do not beat our Jews like that! You see how the blood splatters all about? Not neat or Nazi-like at all! Ve must beat in such a vay as to minimize the bloodshed, but to maximize the pain inflicted. No one vants to clean up the blood of a kike. CHIBI-USA: Fuck you, bitch! I’ll kill them muthafuckin’, Yom Kippur-celebratin’ can of beans suckers any way I fuckin’ feel like it! BUBENSCHNEP: Now, children, let us sing ze anthem of ze Hitler Youth! (And with the joyous sound of the bright faces of children singing the carol of anti-Semitism, this scene draws to a close.) SCENE VII (Back at the Wolf’s Lair, the Senshi have audience with Hitler--the Great One, the Chosen One.) HITLER: I congratulate you all for destroying that filthy Hebe-ville, and I have a new assignment for you. I want you to lead my badass Waffen SS troops and the rest of my badass army guys into Russia, that big waste of land. I will turn the entire nation--the largest nation in the world, mind you--into one big concentration camp. This concentration camp will house all the Jews, gypsies, fags, and Pollacks in the world and will be a center of organization for killing them all. SAILOR MERCURY: That…is so badass. SAILOR MARS: Ya damn right! SAILOR MOON: Y’know, I just thought of something. Jesus was a Jew, too. So, wouldn’t Christians be persecuting their own savior if they were anti-Semites? (Sailor Mars pulls back her hand as if to bitch-slap Sailor Moon, but instead she shoves a bratwurst in her Jew-lovin’ mouth.) SAILOR MOON: *glumpf* SAILOR JUPITER: Damn, kike-lovers. Anyway, Hitler, your mistress was great last night. She’s a piece of ass to hold onto. HITLER: Ja! And she gives great head. SAILOR JUPITER: I know. Oh, how I know. HITLER: Now, you all must go and lead the Third Reich to total domination of the European continent by the Aryan race! (They do. I mean, serious, you thought they were going to disobey the Fuehrer? So, anyway, they go and lead the SS and the Luftwaffe and the Wermacht strikeforce into glorious battle against those-those Slavs. And for a while, they’re actually kicking ass against an entire country.) WERMACHT CAPTAIN: Alright! Our losses have been extremely light and the enemies are very high! What should we do now with all our POWs? SAILOR MARS: I know! Personally beat them all to death! SAILOR MOON: Waitaminute guys! Germany signed the Geneva Convention pact, so shouldn’t we be respectful to the-- (Sailor Moon + Bratwurst = Shut up.) SAILOR MOON: *mrrpph* SAILOR JUPITER: That’ll teach your bitch ass to open your mouth. Hey! What the fuck’s that? (In the sky, lightening flashes and a rift opens--a rift through time! Sailor Pluto floats through this portal, seizing all the Sailor Senshi and that ho Chibi-usa and transporting them back to the present day. Without the aid of the uberfrauleinen, the Nazi cause dwindles in power and eventually succumbs to the cold of stupid Ruskie-land.) SCENE VIII (Back in the present day, the newly returned Senshi are reveling in what was probably the most badass experience of their lives.) USAGI: That...was...so...badass. REI: Of course it was, Hebe-Queen, what could you expect when we got to meet Hitler? AMI: Uh…why is Ikuko Tsukino unconscious and naked on the floor? MICHIRU: Some newbies to the game just can’t take the whole experience of a lesbian orgy. HARUKA: Actually, I slipped her a Roofie so I could pull out the toys without hearing her scream so much. USAGI: What the hell are you talking about?! Did you two dykes rape my mom or something? And what are you doing in my house? LUNA: I think you should shut your bitch-ass mouth, Usagi! Hahaha! USAGI: I’ll show you bitch-ass, muthafuckin’ ho… (Usagi grabs Chibi-usa’s gun, shoves it up Luna’s ass and blows her colon out her eye sockets. Then, she takes her tail and ties it through her mouth and out her cat-pussy, making a perfect squareknot.) MAKOTO: Oh. CHIBI-USA: Gimme back my glock, muthafucka! HARUKA: Hey…where’s Minako? (Across the reaches of time and space, Minako is on her back, getting it from badass Nazi Adolf Eichmann.) MINAKO: Oh, Eichmann! Gimme some of that Obersturmbannfuehrer lovin’! Aww…oh, yeah! EICHMANN: Yeah, ya like that bitch. Now don’t be Jewish with the orgasm, baby. I wanna see some of that action before I go bang some other ho. THE END--Up yo' ass, muthafucka!!