Due to popular demand, and the brilliant response seen in the forum, I've gotten off my finely toned ass and made a new section of the site dedicated to those moments that we look back on with a tear in our eye and a smile on our dial. Or a similarly emotive set of words. Sigh.... :Trails off into incoherent speech:
The Fall of Red
It was the first adventure of legendary characters such as Puraj and Trasian, and they had set up camp along with a well guarded merchant caravan, lead by Red 'Mighty Warrior of the Apocalypse'. If his character wasn't bizarre enough, he had a bizarre sexual relationship with a pair of Zombies... Regardless, during the night the caravan's true nature was revealed, as a pair of Vampires dispelled the illusion that had hidden Red's Undead form. He chased Gn'Raal (Lizardman Fighter) through the woods, before being squished horribly by a well hurled log from Iolus the Centaur. As pathetic as the encounter was, everyone practically fell to the floor in spasms as the 'Mighty Warrior of the Apocalypse' was felled by the 'Insignificant Horse-Man Nowhere in Particular'.
Wingding's Leap of Faith
I'm sure everyone remembers this one. Having been teleported to the Elemental Plane of Fire, Wingding the Jester and Goldar Ironfist found themselves on an island floating above an ocean of liquid hot mag-ma (stolen from Austin Powers). While Goldar...amused himself with an Efreeti, Wingding decided it would be fun to attempt the kilometre leap to the next island. The resounding laughter as the Jester plumetted into an ocean of lava was matched only by the enraged curses of his controller as he seized his dice and stormed from our presence.
The Tale of Goldar's Pig
The sudden urge for companionship struck Goldar Ironfist on a trip to Freelance, and after perusing 'Simon's Familiar Emporium' and turning down a Unicorn, Goldar settled on a particulary ferocious boar. Before he purchased the ill-fated pig he learnt the command word to make it attack... Bullshit. Immature you say? You need to meet a certain player of mine, whose response to almost everything was 'Bullshit my friend'. Ten minutes later Goldar and his pig passed by the aforementioned PC. Lo and behold, his response to the question 'Are you lost?' was 'Bullshit my friend'. A few seconds later saw Goldar's pig, and an unfortunate bystander dead as a result of my friend's foul mouth. He never said it again...
Reef Giant Pimp
The village of Cindred (designed by Anthony Magro) was not normal by any standards. Pimps, heretics and drunken warriors roamed the streets. Perhaps the strangest location was the Purring Kitten Gentleman's club, a preferred haunt for my party of sex-crazed warriors. On one such visit, Gn'Raal (Lizardman Warrior) refused to pay, and set his tiny dog Fang, onto one of the women. He got more than he bargained for, when Loki, a Reef Giant Pimp, not only killed his dog, but flung him into a river outside town. I never got to use Loki again, but I'm sure he'll make a return someday...
On a lighter note, Xena died a short time later. Whether this was as a result of her newfound manhood, or the fireball that struck her is a mystery to us all.
In an experimental ten man campaign, I allowed a local boy, known as Scruff by most, to take the role of Bandith the Mage. Within an hour of his introduction, his standard response to every description had been 'Can I attack?'. The party, involved in a dangerous raid on a Goblin encampment, grew tired of Bandith's constant aggression and lead the mage into a room infested with Goblins. Whilst he blazed away with Magic Missiles, the Neutral Evil Warrior closed and barred the door... Really, I should have punished them for being mean, but I was eager to get rid of him as well.
Shotgun Wielding Kobold
Regulars to my AD&D campaigns will be familiar with my tendency to go a little weird as I get bored with the campaign. If the adventure isn't going anywhere, or if AD&D has lost its lustre, I tend to throw something bizarre into the mix. On this particular May morning, the party was investigating a crumbling Dwarven citadel, which had since been occupied by a Necromancer. Split into two, one portion of the party chose to follow the sewer to its end, which happened to be a particularly deep pit. Guarding this pit was a Kobold, the unusual bit, he wielded a shotgun. The party were hard pressed against the foe, although he kept missing, they couldn't kill the hapless midget. Eventually they hit upon a plan, and pressed the Kobold until he had backed right up against the edge of the pit. One of them then rushed forward, the Kobold fired (scoring a rather messy hit) and the recoil threw the Kobold back into the unfathomably deep well. The hit character managed to survive (if memory serves it was Iolas the Centaur) and the party went on to defeat the Necromancer.
One Depressed Orc
It was shortly after the beginning of a new campaign. Goldar, controlled by Stuart Robinson, had been retired, and Stuart was coming to terms with having to control a new character. This particular character was a revolting, sexually perverted Orc cleric by the name of Ignut. During his short career he purchased vast amounts of pornography (sold by Beslian at an elevated price), forever scarred Xena(never walk in on an Orc showering) and generally make an ass of himself. Despite advancing to fourth level, and completing two peril fraught adventures, Stuart hated this character. Rather than just perform a simple 'leap of a cliff' suicide, he planned an elaborate death. He first stole Beslian's Wand of Wonder, turning it on Xena. The result was a quick sex-change for the unfortunate woman. He then fired a lightning bolt at Puraj, which all but felled the legendary warrior. The party managed to wrestle the wand from Ignut's grip but he fled towards the beach they had just escaped from. Beslian and two other party members gave chase, and found Ignut on the beach. As punishment for his sins, Chandler decided to bury Ignut up to his neck in the soft sand and leave him there to stew for a few days. This done, the party left, intent on returning the next day to free their somewhat unhinged companion. Unfortunately, they didn't take into account the tides, and their return was less than jovial. The still grinning head of Ignut, liberally feasted upon by fish, still stuck out of the sand. And thus, a legend was born.
Beslian's Wand of Wonder
Anyone who has encountered this very amusing magical item will know just how many opportunities it gives a DM to really mess with his players. During its existence in my campaign; this wand performed a sex change, created a Giant Sheep and caused general havoc in the hands of a particularly depressed Orc. Whilst exploring a dungeon (as adventurers often do), Beslian decided to put his wand to good use. A few charges later he had managed to turn the unassuming Gnome Illusionist into a neon sign (not literally, but one can imagine the effect of Continuous Light and Faerie Fire). In a heated combat, Beslian resorted to his wand again. BOOM! He was a few millimetres tall. As a particularly aggresive looking ant advanced towards him he used the wand again, hoping against hope for disintergrate. BOOM! A huge swarm of Butterflies erupted from the wand. Thus began the friendship between the Cleric Beslian and his butterfly mount Shamu...