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To Cassie

So heres the deal. I was going to write a long drawn out story about us (LOL still am). You remember the little Greek myth about a little chick named Cassandra. Well it was supposed to be a lot like that. But then I realized something. I had a problem with the pictures that I was supposed to be using to help narrate the story visually. So I have a little clean up to do with that before this becomes a reality.

So this is basically it. We started out back my Freshman year. You were only in eighth grade then, but that's ok cause I only saw you once then anyway. We met at an SHS football game, and if I recall, you were quite enamored with my freshly shorn head. I got a kick out of this seeing as how it's not ever day that I have a beautiful young lady rubbing my head as if it's the best thing that's happened to her.

I went through that year having as good a time as I can, but there were a few things that kept us together. Ms. Staci Joseph had given me your SN and we were talking online a little bit starting that summer. I took some time the next year to get involved with a few young ladies. Unfortunately none of that went anywhere. But what I can really say about that. I wasnt totaly concerned with them anyway. I had a little issue with them. They didn't really know whether or not they were coming or going.

To be truthful, I didn't really know either, but that was OK beacause I had a better idea than they did. That made it really hard for me to be with them. I at least knew that I wanted to be in the military, but I had no idea which branch or what I wanted as my MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). So, I didn;t like being with them for longer than it took me to realize that they weren't going anywhere and they were going there fast.

As it turns out, that year I was coming out of a hockey game, I wish I could remember Vs who, but I can't. You were there with a few of your friends. Cara was one of them, but I dont really remember the rest of them, perhaps you will. So we all sat out in the loby and were talking. There was a joke made about "Fruit Roll-ups." I would later come to find out what that joke was all about, lol! I merely smiled and laughed with everyone at the time. The part that will almost certainly remember forever though is the famous comment about your ass. In fact, I remember being hit by Cara after someone mentioned that it was a nice ass, and I just so happened to glance jokingly to your rear. Needless to say I agreed.

Shortly after the Tamo-incident Shenanigans was being performed at SHS. We had been in realiatively steady communication up until then. I remember verly distinctly you asking me online one night if I could ever date you and that I replied I wasn't sure. It was a total lie. I wanted very badly to be with you. But you know me, I never do anything the easy way, I do it the effective way!

And thus we find ourselves at the Opening night of Shenanigans 2001: Heaven New Jersey. I knew you were coming because Staci never let ten mintues go by without telling me. I was going to ask you out that night, and I knew this, but no-one else did. I just had to make sure you came to the afterparty at Pizza Hut. So I went and saw you durring the intermission and all, and even after the show was over before we left I made sure to come and talk with you. This was more or less to put my foot in an already open door. But the fact remains we talked and I asked you to go to the Hut with us. You called home and were given the go head to go out.

Time shift about twenty minutes later and we are at Pizza hut. I had mentioned that I was dating a girl nammed Cassie who lived in Springfield. I was actually, it wasnt a lie. She was a f*cking moron though, so that ended the night before Shenanigans started. I didn't make any mention of this to you beacause it would have runined my plan. It's a good thing I didn't mention it, because what I said to you will remain at the top of the list of the most slick, smooth, and charming things I have ever said in my life.

We were sitting at the table that was slightly over to the side with the video games and all. We were eating and just kida shooting the shit. I was almost yelling in your ear so that you could hear me over the Juke Box, but this time I was whispering in a sense. I asked if you remember that I was dating a girl nammed Cassie, to which you replied that you did. Then I asked if I could trade one for the other. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was when the magic started.

The next seven months of my life were the best I can remember. We started dating on March 29, 2001 if I remember correctly. I may be a day or two off, but that's ok. I remember having nothing but good times and great friends durring that part of my life. I remember bringing you a white rose one day and thinking that it was perfect for you. It was the best day of my life that I can remember. I mean that honestly. I say it a lot, but this time, between you and me, I mean it. You picked, "hanging by a moment," to be our song. I still get tears in my eye when I hear it.

There are few things in the world that stick as clearly in my mind as that white rose. The reason I say this is because I bought it thinking of only how your face would light up when you saw it. I was thinking that I could brighten up your world that much more. It is probably the single most selfless thing I have ever done to date. That white rose described in my mind how perfect and innocent you were to me, and I wish I could have filmed that moment. Perhaps it's better that I didn't beacuse it will be treasured in my mind for the rest of my life. That one rose... one rose.

Unfortunately though, I was going through what I never thought would happen to me. I hit the typical teeneage "No-one understands me and I am the only person whose sane left in the world" angry-with-my-dad-syndrome. Not something I'm proud of.

I began to get extremely finicky, but what can I say, I was out of my mind. Basically this is what happened. You treated me like gold, but I just couldn't understand you. You confused the hell out of me. My mind was stuck in Military Mode. I had no idea that most people don't know a whole lot about the military in general, so I was a little ahead of that game, but it was hard for me to slow down and explain it. It was totally out of my head how you loved something so much as Broadway. I had nothing in my life that was like that, so it wasn't something I could wrap my mind around. I thought that I was worlds apart from you in terms of maturity. In reality, I was just down the block a little. There's no denying that in 14 months theres a little bit of a maturity gap there. Unfortunately for me I was overdramatizing it entirely to much.

I had no idea how to deal with this. One night I was supposed to go to a party, Oct 16, 2001. It was a birthday party for a friend of mine. I thought maybe you would like to go. So, I called your house and your dad told me you were on a girls night out thingy. I thought, "Cool! I'm glad that she's out having a good time." I spent the rest of the night fighting off little girls, one of whom guaranteed me she could make me cheat on you. She was pretty embarassed when I told her, "You couldn't get with me if you had a 100$ bill hangin out of your zipper." That ended the arguement right there amidst all the other people laughing like hell cause I just gave her the humbling of a lifetime. I value faithfulness and trust above all else in life, and I thought I held up pretty well to that.

Well, you did indeed go out to the movies that night with your friends, but you also went with Adam. I had a real hard time with this. My mindset was slightly more sophisticated than that of a snail at this point, as I'm sure you will remember. I got entirely too hot headed and I wish I hadn't. So, early October of 2001, I broke it off with you. This was not the brightest thing I've ever done.

That little fiasco pales in comparison to all the sh*t I put you through after we broke up. I was just a little b*tch is basically it. I hounded you at every turn without thinking for a second how or what you were feeling or thinking. This is something I'm pretty sure that I will never come to terms with (though you have told me to let it go on several occasions). There was the deal with you forgetting what the USNA was all about and the SEALs shortly before the 2002 battle of the bands. That was something else, let me tell ya! I couldn't have known my a** from third base at that point.

We went for a while without talking. That is, until I read your journal. You were telling me about Adam and how much you were disapointed with him and everything. It was about that time I realized something. I had to let this petty sh*t go and be a friend to a friend in need. So, then very next day I called Laine and told her I would be late picking her up to go to Ann Arbor that night. I called you and said that I was coming over, right then. Laine was pissed, she thought that I was messing around and didn't trust me at all (a taste of things to come perhaps). I told her I had to do this and what it was about. I let her know that I had to help you and that there was no way I was going to be unfaithfull or anything of that nature at all. She still didn't belive me. I didn't care, I knew what I had to do, so I hung up the phone and went to your house.

OK, now I'm at your house and I was hearing what was probably the worst thing I've heard to date. You were telling me, right to my face how lousey Adam was. I wanted nothing more than to hurt him. I know you expected that, but I wanted to hurt him because he hurt you, and you were and always will be my little baby. I did everything I could to help you without influencing your opinion.

So you are no longer with Adam (thank GOD). You and I have been talking much more than we ever had, even when we were dating. We started talking over this past summer and things just progressed from there. We totaly talk more now than ever. I have realized a few things here. First of which is that you and I are almost exactly the same, just with different passions. You have matured to the point where you are no longer down the block at all. I have found my passion and it's the US Navy SEALs. So now we match eachother in maturity and passion for the things that define who we are in our very souls. I can't help but think what would have happened had we come to our present states two years ago.

Well, this brings us right to this very moment in time. How bout that? When you asked me the other night what our story was I wanted to give you the full story as much as I could. I hope you remember this the same as I do. If you dont't then e-mail me and let me know what I should change, cause I will if you ask.

Unfortunately there is something I haven't said here. And there's only one way I'm going to let you hear it. There is a link at the bottom of this page. It will take you to the last of the secret pages that no-one but you knows about. Remember, this is how it has to stay. Cassie, I am asking you this as if I were right there in front of you. Please do not look at this link until you are no longer with Matt. However I would suggest that you read it immediately after you have broken up. I mean that. When you do finally look at that page, I'll explain why. But I want you to promise, even though I am not there to see it, that you will wait and that it will be the FIRST THING you do should you and Matt fall out.

Don't get me wrong, I wish you nothing but good fortune with him and the same to him with you; which is why I cannot in good conscience do this without you promising that. I am leaving the picture I titled guardian on this page because I see myself as a guardian to those who are really important to me. You are just that, so I want you to have it as a special kind of reminder. I will always be here for you, no matter what. I only tell that to those who trust me and whom I trust. So, having said that, I hope this was everything you had hoped it would be. Have a lovely evening and call me sometime to hang out with you, even if I'm in Ypsi.

Love always,
Your guardian Cit
11/13/03
10:49 PM



My catharsis...