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Attention all school goers. There is a group of renegade gang members on the loose. They are to be considered armed and very dangerous. There is no telling exactly what they are plotting, all we know is that they are out there and ready to kill, maim and hurt at a moments notice. The many colorful bracelets that they wear on arm, foot or neck may identify these horrible people. Beads may range from white to black and any variation of any color known to mankind in all sizes shapes and forms. This is not a joke!

We have been notified via bulletin from the TPD that there are several warrants in effect for many members of this gang. Crimes range from bad things, to really illegal stuff. Police are stocking up on things to deal with the stuff that the guys have caused. Keep in mind though that these people are dangerous and hot headed.

There is just no telling what could be done next. One witness to the gang members doing some things said they made her feel something. “It was a thing that I felt, I am sure of it. Couldn’t mistake that feeling. Sure was a feeling, that was.”

Does this sound like the biggest load of crap you’ve ever heard, or what? The really sad part is, this is what is being fed to students at Roy C. Start High School. Along with the supposed warrants, there must have been a law passed that forbids students from having common sense, because that has got to be what the administration thinks of us. Let’s start at the beginning of this news bulletin and break it down for you.

Yes Virginia, they really think there is a gang running around our school. We are not sure who this gang is, as students. Apparently they have been creating trouble throughout the 2000-2001 school year, WITHOUT ANYONE’S KNOWLEDGE! But sleep easy my paranoid student friends, the faculty knows all about it, oh yes they do. Yes, there is also a student (notice, that is in the singular) that felt threatened by the supposed gang. The only way to identify them is through their brightly colored beads that only they wear. Even the police are getting involved, though not a single student has seen a policeman raise a finger around Start, excepting Officer Morford.

As if I did not make it abundantly clear through the last paragraph that this is quite possibly the single most act of rectal stupidity (yes I did just make that up) I have ever seen, it is! I talked with several students who wear these beads, and several who do not. I must confess I was not at all surprised when I heard a distinct, “what the hell are you talking about,” from each and every one of them. I was also assured that if there were to be a gang of this type, as the faculty says there is, that the school would have a public beating in their honor of the gang’s senior member due to the fruity bracelets they wear. I also would have to be a member due to the brass and silver ball chain I wear on my neck. I’ll be damned if I ever got initiated into this gang though. Funny, since according to them we are no longer allowed to wear anything of the type. This, needless to say, has sparked an outcry that could only be rivaled by the Boston Tea Party. Sound stupid to you? Yeah, me too.