If only she knew, or better yet, if only i knew, then all might be better. But just the more I dwell, the less i think she wants me. But isn't that the way it always is. One moment, thoughts of happiness, and with the flick of an eye, nothing...just more waiting and hoping.

Well, i feel smart. You know how i thought things were going well with erin and I? Guess not as well as i had hoped, she is seeing someone new. I don't know, I have been thinking about doing the same but at the same time i just can't get her out of my head. No good. But I don't know why this is affecting me so much, its like i knew we weren't together, but i don't know, it just felt so good talking to her again, and so hard to keep her out of my thoughts, that when i heard her say she was seeing someone, i had to refrain from hanging up the phone on her. But that wouldn't be nice. I wasn't pissed i just didn't want to here her talk anymore, i just wanted to do my typical thing and dwell on what she said. But oh well, the wine is helping. Who knows, maybe she is just going out with him and then when she comes up it will be different. keep dreaming i know, but thats whats kept me going for the past year and a half.

Sorry about that folks, last night i had a beer then a bunch of people came over and we ended up going out to Dane Cook which was awesome! But where did i leave off last night, lets see, oh yeah the party. Ok so agree to go to the party i don't know if i was drunk at the time or what, but i couldn't believe i agreed to go considering i had seen her once in a year and a half. But anyhow, as the weekend got nearer and nearer, of course i got more nervous and more nervous. But i decide not to back out, and see how i feel when i see her. So I'm getting ready to leave in the morning and it feels like i'm about to run the state track meet all over again. My stomach is just churning and try to force down some food, it didn't work, and i almost backed out, but nope! not gonna do it. So i hop in my truck and start the 3 hour trip to her place and it was like deja vu. I remembered everything about that trip from taking it so many times, where I should be after a half hour on the road and landmarks and all that. It was nuts. Then i finally pull up to her friends house, take a deep breath, and walk up to the door. Jodie answers and it was good to see her, i hadn't seen her in forever as well, and she invites me in and says erin is in the shower. So i hang out in the kitchen/family room with jodie and patrick for awhile, then i hear erin come into the room, and i turn around and it felt like getting hit with a baseball bat across the chest. She still looked as beautiful as i remembered. We gave each other a little nervous hug and "good to see you"s. And after awhile of talking and catching up i started to feel a little better, still nervous as hell, but that couldn't be helped. And we spent the weekend together just like old times, went to see her family on both sides and they were all happy to see me(at least that is what it felt like to me). But it was so nice just to hang out with erin even though we really didn't get any time to ourselves to talk or anything, but great none the less. But i did notice that at the end of the weekend there was a little more flirting, i don't know if it was me or not but i noticed some sparks flying all weekend between us. I don't even know where to go from here, my thoughts are going every where, but for the next week we talked practically every day, and some time in that time she told me how she felt bad for ever breaking up with me and all that, and all i could do is say, well you had your reasons. It was just kinda unexpected, only in my dreams had i heard that from her. And it was like that for awhile after that too, but i dunno, maybe its some pent up anger or something, but i still couldn't say "i know, i feel we should be together". Then it just got sketchy from then on, i don't know what to think, maybe she just feels weird cuz i'm not responding or something, and thats why i'm getting mixed signals or what, but i don't know. I will fill you in when the next thing happens...thanks for listening...

As you can see it has been forever and a day since i have written anything here or anywhere else. Just kinda got caught up with the times, both good and bad, and didn't feel like sharing with all you people. I doubt anybody reads this anyhow, but oh well, it helps me. Well lets see where do i start? Well since this site seems to have a running theme with a certain girl named erin, why not continue where that saga left off. Well for the past year i have tried and tried to get her off my mind. Everybody kept telling me that after day by day you will think less of her and then one day you'll wake up and not think of her at all. I had hoped they were right cuz for a few months there i was in agony, didn't want to do a damn thing, failed a class just out of sheer lack of motivation(retook it and got a B). But as each day went by nothing helped there were some days where i would wake up and she wouldn't be the first thing on my mind, but those are few and far between. The worst part was that i couldn't find anything to be pissed at her for other than breaking my heart, which for most is enough, but i just couldn't help but hope that someday she would come back. But then i heard from a friend that she was dating someone and they were in love, and this was about a month and a half after she broke up with me, and of course i was trying to find any reason at all to be mad at her, so i used that to help my mind figure out why she broke up with me without question. And not being the most stable person at that time anyhow, i mailed her all our pictures, all the cards and notes she sent me, and even the journal she gave me. I've never done something like that, but in my mind at the time it felt right, now though, i wish i had them all back. But anyhow, months went by and i didn't talk to her, i just needed some time to heal. Then we started talking again, slowly but surely, on instant messenger(i could handle that, cuz i wouldn't have to hear her voice). And it was nice, a lot of small talk, trying to get a feeling on how i still felt. Then another few months went by and its about mid june 2002, and we were talking pretty regularly and everything was doing pretty good. I invited her to my b-day party, but she had prior obligations. Then i get back on weekend and there is a message on my desk saying erin called, and it was pretty late so i figured i would call the next day, next day i was actually busy, so i didn't get ahold of her then, but she was trying to invite me to a john mayer concert(one of my favorite singer/songwriters right now) and i missed out...i was upset really wishing i coulda gone. But after she gave me shit for not calling sooner, she invited me to a party her friend was throwing, and i accepted.

Hold on, roomate is calling for a beer break.

 

Well, what have i done this week...i started my job at the Laker Buffet(its not that bad actually), I am headed to Guy's house this weekend with a quick stop in Canada tommorrow night :), and i ended all relations with erin. I can't deal with it anymore, i had hopes that things would work out you know? But she doesn't want to even consider it so fuck it. I can't handle being friends with her, so I just said how much i loved having her in my life, and that i hope that she meets some guy that will treat her better than i could have, and then i said goodbye. And what did she say? "ok, bye" Such lovely sentiments huh? But no more time from me.

I have listened to this song over and over this weekend, i can't believe how closely it resembles my feelings right now. Its called Pretty Pathetic, by The Smoking Popes. I just feel so very helpless, and helplessness is something i don't deal well with. I have always had a handle on things. All i want to do is have everything back to how it was. Back when i was on top of the world again. I miss her so much, but at the same time i don't want to see her unless its to reconcile and get back together. I think sooner or later we will become friends, but it will most likely be later if at all. She is planning on going to some school back home and if thats the case then everything is over, i will, in all probability, never see her again. But if thats the way it is then that is the way it has to be. She is the love of my life, but that doesn't mean that i won't find someone new. I guess i will just have to accept that.

Oh this sucks, I talked to erin today. I can't help but talk to her, but every time i do i get a huge headache, chills, and start sweating. Its like i need to talk to her, but at the same time, it hurts so much to talk. I love her so much and would like to believe that there is still hope left in our relationship, but i am slowly accepting the fact that there isn't. I don't know which would be harder, letting myself know all at once that there is no hope or doing what i am right now and denying it with hope that she will change her mind. I don't know why i torture myself so much. It hurts so much in everything i do. Whether i am sitting at home with my family and my mind starts to wander as i see how happy my parents are together, or just this past weekend, my brother came home with his wife and son. It just depressed me so much to see how they are together, in love and with a family. All that and knowing that the one person i would like to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want to.

All About Me
A Little Background

I am trying to figure out where to start...It will probably be at the beginning of my freshman year of college. I started hanging out with some of my neighbors down the hall, and one of them introduced me to a girl who was introduced to me as Jen, and she soon became my friend. And sitting with her was a beautiful woman. I look back and remember my exact feelings when i saw her. I thought how much i would like to meet her. I have very picky tastes when it comes to women. I really can't put a label on them, but i have usually been able to sense if a person is my type just by being around them. And when i began talking with the two ladies, i knew the other girl was my type. It was just an overwhelming feeling of compatibility. But as it was i was too shy to really talk too much and figured it was just another anonymous face i would soon forget. But i couldn't forget her, she bugged my mind when i would go back to my room. How could i find her again? I had to find a way. But the gods of fate were smiling as i went to my first day of work the next day. I walked in and started to get introduced to everybody and I walked around the corner just in time to spy the girl working at the ticket counter. It was the same one that i was fortunate enough to meet a couple days before. I knew that i was getting shown by a manager how to work there, but i just couldn't concentrate, but instead thought of the girl at the ticket counter and when i would be introduced to her. And finally we worked our way around the store and it was then that we formally were introduced. Her name was Erin. But as wonderful as i am with words, all i could say is hi in return and walk away.
As the days progressed, i became more confident and we started talking. I have been told i am a big flirt. And that worked well when talking with erin, because she was sort of a flirt also. A lot of other girls would flirt with me, but i really didn't care, the only person i really wanted to talk to was erin. Pretty soon she was coming over to my dorm and hanging out with one of her friends from home, and he introduced her to some of our mutual friends and it so happened that we started hanging out together a lot. We started to work out every monday, wednesday, and friday. And that is when i started to really like her. Because i had never been able to have a prolonged conversation with a girl day after day. And it soon turned out we would hang out together every single day, there was never a day when i didn't see her. I liked her soooooo much, but i knew she had a boyfriend and i would never do anything to split them up, i am not that type of person. If i found out that a girl had a boyfriend, i knew they were off limits, but i would privately have feelings for them without there knowledge.
Then as a party that we were going to was approaching, people began to ask me about her and what my feelings toward her and of course i told them. But it was just odd that everyone was asking me at the same time, but like i said, she had a boyfriend so i didn't think anything of it. But when i got there, i could tell there was a weird mood in the air. And we started drinking and flirting a lot, and i was very happy. Then as the party progressed, we all sat down and played spin the bottle. And Fate played a good hand in moving the bottle and nearly every other spin landed with me and erin kissing. And then she got up to get another drink and one of the girls there asked me what i felt about her and i said that i really liked her. And she replied that the feeling was mutual.

name: Marshall Boyd
hometown: Frankfort, Illinois
age: 19
standing: junior at gvsu.
major: Computer Science
music:Well here's a list of my thoughts on music .
film: I don't know what my favorite movie is but here is a list of a bunch i like right now: The Big Lebowski, High Fidelity, Fight Club, Army of Darkness, Ace Ventura 1 + 2, Billy Madison, and so on...
book: The Ashes series by William W. Johnstone.
collections: vinyl records, cds, radios, basically anything that has to do with music, bottle caps, and who knows what else, i start new ones all the time.

 

When?

Sitting here with no desire to move
I can't do much when thinking of you
The softness of your lips fill my mind
Your beautiful body laying on mine
Seeing your eyes dance when you speak
These heart warming thoughts leave me weak
I want to kiss you
I want to touch you
I think of you when I wake and when I go to bed
Images of you seem to possess my head
Over a week until my dreams come true
Only then do I get to be with you.

 

Same old shit, different day

Same old shit on a different day
The skies are blue, my soul is grey
Why did you leave me high and dry
Without a reason just a good-bye
A piece of me dies when we speak
Expression is hard with a heart so weak
Shakespeare's sonnets explain half my list
Of how I miss your heartfelt kiss
I hope your path brings you my way
But until then, its the same old shit on a different day

 

Wondering Dream

I awake to your smile as it lights up my bed
and wonder what visions are filling your head
Daisies and teddy bears and all of your friends
Happiness for you, knows no ends
You open your eyes and gaze into mine
Only a moment like this can stop time
The dream slowly slips away
and here i sit for another day
In my room

out of touch

with your heart

 

Half the Game

Another night my dreams turn to you
Just a game I like to play
I pretend my misguided thoughts are true
You'll come back to me to stay
you possess the other part of my heart
If it comes back, heaven on earth again will start

 

Is it worth it?

A year since you left me and I can't let go
Friends say your memory will fade in time
I guess my vision of time moves too slow
Because memories of you overwhelm my mind

Are you worth my time,
Are you worth my thoughts
Are you worth my love
No matter the costs

A year and four months, I'm forcing you away
I'm moving on with my life atleast I hope so
It was a thursday, I got a phone call mid-day
Animate for a visit, why wouldn't I go

Are you worth my time,
Are you worth my thoughts
Are you worth my love
No matter the costs

The drive to your house such agony and pain
Pull up to the house, your friend lets me in
Our eyes meet and I still feel the same
All feelings are back and I feel it begin

Are you worth my time?
Time stands still when you're around
Are you worth my thoughts?
I don't think of much else
My love was once yours and the feelings aren't lost...