1. Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.-Jokes.com
2. Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''-Jokes.com
3. Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.-Jokes.com
4. Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.-Jokes.com
5. Yo Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.-Jokes.com
6. Yo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!-Jokes.com
7. Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.-Jokes.com
8. Yo mama's underwear is so full of holes that every time she farts they whistle.-Jokes.com
9. Yo mama is so hairy that she has to part the hair on her butt in order to go to the bathroom.-Jokes.com
10. There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”-Jokes.com
11. One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."-Jokes.com
12. Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question? Father: Sure, son. What's the question? Son: What is politics? Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son? Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is. Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words? Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.-Jokes.com
13. Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussaine are having a meeting to discuss peace. Bill Clinton went to Bagdhad to meet Saddam. They start talking, and a couple of minutes into the conversation, Saddam pushes a button, and a boxing glove comes out of the wall and punches Bill in the stomach. A couple more minutes pass and Saddam pushes a second button, and the boxing glove come out of the wall again and punches Bill Clinton in the face. A few more minutes pass, and Saddam pushes a third button, making the boxing glove come out of the wall again and hits Clinton in the balls. Clinton, having been badly beaten up, stands u pand says,"I've had enough of this. I'm going back to the U.S." Bill and Saddam have another meeting at the white house. A couple of minutes pass, and Bill pushes a button. Nothing happened, but Bill started giggling. A few more minutes pass, and Bill pushes a second button. Nothing happened, but Bill started laughing harder. More minutes pass, and Bill pushes a third button.Nothing happens, but Bill laughs so hard, he wet his pants. Saddam stands up and says,"I've had enough. I'm going back to Bagdhad." Bill Clinton answers,"What Bagdhad?"-Jokes.com (In case you didn't get this joke, which is pretty understandable, each time Bill pushed the button, nothing happened. Well, at least not to Saddam. Each time Bill pushed a button, he launched a nuke at Bagdhad.)
14. A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" confused, the bartender says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"-Jokes.com
15. This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it. “Hey, what's that?” “A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” “Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. “Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” “Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”-Jokes.com
16. A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.” A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!” The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”-Jokes.com
If you have a hilarious joke that's not on my site, you can e-mail it to me at skorpion2009@yahoo.com and I will post it on my site.
