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Lord of the Board: Fellowship of the n00bs (Chapter I)

**The board is quiet and RPGs come and go. Dragon Ball Z topics plague the board, causing an uproar with the veteran users. Meanwhile, ignoring it all is Sooley, who is busy doing absolutely nothing other than ignoring the state of the board.**

SOOLEY:
I need to make an RPG before people think that I'm doing nothing again. While I'm at it, let me find someone to argue with. Hm... no, bitch-slapped that n00b last week. Ah, there -- BLAH Or blah is a nice new target.

**Sooley gets into his Starship Cruiser and flies to East RP/FF, only to see BLAH Or blah terrorizing newbies. While Sooley couldn't give a shit what he does to the newbies and their Final Fantasy 7: Sephiroth Returns!!!... Again RPGs, he decides to use the old "Quit saying shit to them, idiot; they're as welcome here as you" excuse to argue with BLAH.*

SOOLEY:
Hey, BLAH! Leave them alone, you idiot. They're free to do whatever the fuck they want. You don't have to enter you know.

BLAH:
You are a retard. Go back on the short bus, idiot.

SOOLEY:
OH-HO! I'VE BEEN PWNT!

BLAH:
Damn straight! Me and my little fuck-buddy soapy are going to poke fun at you and call you a retard even more! HAHAHAHAHA!

SOAPY:
HAHAHAHAHAHA! u r n iddyit sooly u suk

SOOLEY:
Oh my! Pwnt again!

BLAH & SOAPY:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

???:
Quit flaming them Sooley, you elitist jerk!

SOOLEY:
OH NO! IT'S...

???:
That's right! Fear me, for I am XtremeLeader! Now get your thumb out of your ass and stop being so lazy!

SOOLEY:
Hey! That's not supposed to come until later! ... and you're not even supposed to be around now. You're a fuckin' newbie, newbie.

XTREMELEADER:
No, I am not a newbie because I can kiss Omni's ass! He's such a Godly writer.

OMNI MAGE:
Hey! I'm not a great writer! Shut the fuck up!

XTREMELEADER:
OMG quit being modest man. I love you so much. Let's have sex!

**While they begin their session of cybersex, Sooley gets back into his Starship Cruiser and flies THE HELL away. So far away, in fact, that he finds himself in West RP/FF.**

SOOLEY:
Jesus that was scary.

???:
And I'll use the element of fire! Oh! Look at my awesome spirit stone! I am so cool!

SOOLEY:
... Whatthefuck? o_O

???:
I am the almighty azriel!

SOOLEY:
... whozzat? O_o

AZRIEL:
i iz teh vet cuz i make teh dojang!!

SOOLEY:
... whatthefuck is the Dojang?

AZRIEL:
we r teh awsum fackshin

SOOLEY:
Oh... right. How could I have missed that?

AZRIEL:
want 2 join???????

SOOLEY:
No...

AZRIEL:
but we r teh ubar 1248 duuellers!

SOOLEY:
... do you mean 1337?

AZRIEL:
uh.... shuddup n quit flameing us troll quit trolling teh dojang

SOOLEY:
This excuse for a faction isn't good enough for me to use it as toilet pap--HOLY SHIT!! IT'S MIDGAR!!! HEY MAN!!

MIDGAR:
Hey.

SOOLEY:
YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING DOJANG?!?!!?!

**Sooley begins remaking a new sheet for his character, also named Sooley, and joins the Dojang. He then goes and joins in on midgar's story topic, which shortly thereafter dies due to midgar disappearing. Just as he is about to contemplate leaving the Dojang, Sooley sees azriel announce an upcoming tournament.**

SOOLEY:
Oh, cool, a tournament of newbies to kill!

AZRIEL:
r u gunna entur sooly?

SOOLEY:
Yeah, but I don't know how I can possibly compete with such incredible writers such as you, azriel.

**As he finishes, several sarcasm detectors in Africa blow up without warning, fatally injuring several.**

AZRIEL:
o kewl

SOOLEY:
But yeah, I'll slaughter you n00--er, I'll join. This tournament is going to have some lot of competition!

AZRIEL:
yeh we r teh ubar vetiz

**A day later the tournament is underway, with Sooley against Leeroy in the first round.*

SOOLEY:
I'm so gonna kill yo--er, good luck.

LEEROY:
Yeah, you too.

AZRIEL:
sooly u r gunna get ur ass kiked leeroy iz awsum he got teh spirit stoned n everythin

**Sooley proceeds to roll his eyes and draw his sword. He takes the first attack and uses it to slash Leeroy. Leeroy then summons Puff the Magic Drago--er, his dragon companion to attack Sooley. Sooley gets badly hurt, then uses his next turn to fly into the air. Leeroy then proceeds to throw randomly large objects that no human should be able to lift at Sooley; Sooley counters by using his basic teleportation to move from the air to the ground, thus avoiding the attacks.*

KIORI HAYABUSA:
omfg cheez u sux

SOOLEY:
... what?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
u cant tellyport!

SOOLEY:
... why?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
iz cheezwhizzin

SOOLEY:
... why?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
u sux i r hirankin u sux n lossers piontz

SOOLEY:
But azriel said I could --

KIORI HAYABUSA:
u sux!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!

SOOLEY:
... fine.

**Sooley continues the duel against Leeroy, forgetting Hayabusa's existence. After they exchange several attacks in which Leeroy takes no damage and Sooley is beaten within an inch of his life, Sooley attempts to heal his stamina to compete with the still-perfect Leeroy.**

KIORI HAYABUSA:
omg cheezwhizzing!!!!!!1!111111!!!!!!

SOOLEY:
... not again...

KIORI HAYABUSA:
u sux u iz daduckted pointz

SOOLEY:
... why?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
bcuz u heeled

SOOLEY:
... and?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
it iz ceehzwhizzing

SOOLEY:
I have a question. Why am I the one cheezwizzing, when this guy has taken no visible damage whatsoever?

KIORI HAYABUSA:
cuz u iz n00b

SOOLEY:
... okay. Let me just as azriel. After all, he was the one to say the technique was okay.

AZRIEL:
omg u sux u daduckted pointz teh hi klownsul haz sphoeken

SOOLEY:
-_-;

KIORI HAYABUSA:
haha i rite u rong n0b!11! hahahahahaha!1!!!!11!!!!!!!8989797986754!!!!

SOOLEY:
-_-;; Okay, I'm having computer problems and I won't be able to post any more for like... forever. I quit. This faction sucks.

**Sooley quickly resigns from the Dojang, leaving his high-ranking spot, and joins the Intrepid Genesis. Meanwhile, Kiori Hayabusa and his other high-ranking clow--council members laugh at Sooley behind his back on AIM, without realizing Sooley is reading it all because he is friends with several high council members.*

KIORI HAYABUSA:
hahahahaha taht sooly guy shure iz teh n0bish!11

LEX24:
Yeah; he wishes he cud b kewl like me and only be leegabal liek em half of the time.

SOOLEY:
Oy, this guys are idiots.

**Just as he is about to enter the chat and give them all a verbal asskicking, he notices that the Dojang is quickly consuming the entire board. Its member base quickly expands to the point of being the majority.**

SOOLEY:
Dude... when did that happen...?