Final Fantasy Survivor III: Zanarkand

Prologue   I’m sure that you’ve probably read plenty of Final Fantasy spoofs.  I’m also pretty sure that a lot of them probably suck.  Well, my little rendition probably sucks the worst.  It doesn’t really make sense, but as long as you don’t care, it’ll be all right.  I tried to make it fit in with the other two, but it really doesn’t.  Sorry.  And, on that happy note, our story begins. A third installment of Survivor (different author this time) is taking place.  This time, it’s same rules as on T.V.  The participants even get to bring a comfort item.  There is a cash prize at the end. The area this time is Zanarkand.  Hope you enjoy it!  (Yeah, right!  With a screwed up mind like mine, the odds are pretty slim.) Chapter One  Mog: Welcome back to yet another edition of Survivor, Final Fantasy style!  I’m Mog, your host.  Our contestants are now landing on the outskirts of Spira’s Zanarkand.  The area has been cleared of all monsters.  The only foes our contestants will face are each other.  Let’s meet the teams! ***pauses and waddles over to the contestants*** Hello, everyone!                            Everyone: ***grumbles*** Hello.  Mog: Our first team is the Oreh Tribe.  It members are ***points to them as he says their names***   Cloud, Aeris, Tidus, Rikku, Celes, and Vivi.  Please tell us your names and your comfort item.   Cloud:   I’m Cloud.  I brought my sword Ultimate Weapon. to Aeris Why are you alive?       Aeris: ***hugs Cloud*** I love you, and you’re my comfort item!   Cloud: ***pushes Aeris down*** Don’t touch me!  Rikku: Hi!  I’m Rikku, you know! I brought my Daddy’s airship in case this gets too crazy.   Celes: I’m Celes.  I brought Rikku’s Dad’s airship as my item.      Tidus: I’m Tidus, the star blitzball player of the Zanarkand Abes!  I brought a picture of my dad.  I hope to burn it while I’m here.   Vivi: I’m Vivi!  I brought a flower.  I picked it on the way here.  Isn’t it pretty?  What’s blitzball?    Rikku and Tidus: ***stare at Vivi in unbelief***  Mog: Well, now it’s time to meet our second team, the Wol Tribe.  The members are Selphie, Kuja, Sephiroth, Kefka, Ultemecia, and Tifa.   Selphie: Hey!  Why am I with all of the evil people?      Tifa: I’m not evil.   Kuja: I am!   Ultemecia: No, you’re not!   Kuja: Yes, I am!   Ultemecia: No, you’re just a whiny brat!   Sephiroth: Ultemecia, I believe you are at fault.  Kuja is the cross dresser.  Kefka is the whiny brat.     Kefka: Hey!  You’re mean!  I do not whine!  Mog: ***irritated*** Tell me your names and what you brought with you!   Selphie: I’m Selphie, and I brought my cheerful, perky self!   Kuja: Kuja is who I am!  I brought my dragon.   Ultemecia: My name is Ultemecia.  I brought nail polish for my long, beautiful nails!      Kefka: I’m Kefka.  I brought the all of my favorite Mary Kay make-up products.  I don’t want to be here.  Everyone makes fun of me.    Tifa: ***mumbles*** I wonder why. ***regular voice*** I’m Tifa.  I didn’t know we could bring anything.  Why is Sephiroth looking at me?   Sephiroth: I just sharpened my Masamune.  I was wanting to test it.    Tifa: ***inches away from Sephiroth, and puts Selphie in her place***   Sephiroth: Let’s get on with it already!    Mog: ***frightened***  The two teams are now splitting up.  They will get settled in.  Tomorrow at sunset, though, their first challenge begins. Chapter Two The two tribes have split up.  The Oreh Tribe is staying in an abandoned building.  The less fortunate Wol Tribe is left outdoors near a cliff. Oreh Tribe   Celes: It’s a little drafty in here.    Vivi: ***casts Fire to warm the place up*** Is that better?   Celes: Yes, why thank you.  Vivi, I think you are very considerate.       Aeris: I think Cloud is considerate.  That’s why we’re getting married.  Right, Cloud?   Cloud: ***trying to hang himself*** Why isn’t this working?  Rikku:*** to Cloud*** You know, you shouldn’t try to commit suicide.  You’ll never win the money that way, you know.   Cloud: ***stops*** Oh, yeah.   Tidus: ***throws picture of his father into the fire Vivi started*** HA! The group sits around the fire, and starts conversing.     Vivi: I don’t want to vote anyone off of our team.       Aeris:***leaning against Cloud*** Me either!   Cloud: ***trying desperately to push Aeris away*** I DO!  Rikku: That’s not very nice, you know!   Tidus: Yeah!  At least you have someone who loves you.  I used to, but I was just a dream.   Cloud: Really!  I’m a puppet!   Vivi: I’m a puppet!  Would anyone like to smell my flower?   Celes: ***looks strangely at Cloud, Vivi and Tidus*** Yeah, whatever.   Vivi: ***studying his flower*** Isn’t it such a pretty flower? Wol Tribe   Ultemecia: WHO TOOK MY NAIL POLISH!!!!   Selphie: Calm down, Ultemecia.  There must be a reasonable way to solve this.   Ultemecia: ***pushes Selphie out of her way, and looks for her missing item like a ravenous wolf***    Tifa: I can’t wait until this is over.  Did Mog honestly think I would enjoy being in a tribe full of idiots?   Sephiroth: No, that’s what makes the game so intriguing.    Tifa: Huh?   Sephiroth: Watching people suffer is so delightful!   Ultemecia: ***still looking for nail polish***        Kefka and Kuja: ***sitting together, away from the rest of the tribe.  Kefka has his make-up sprawled out between them.  Kefka is doing Kuja’s nails with Ultemecia’s nail polish.***     Kefka: This color is just divine with your skin tone.  Your cuticles need work though.     Kuja: I know!  I simply cannot do a thing with them!   Ultemecia: ***spies her stolen polish*** YOU TOOK IT! ***starts running toward Kuja and Kefka at a high speed*** YOU TOOK IT!        Kefka and Kuja: *** run away, leaving everything behind ***   Selphie: All these cranky vibes are giving me a headache!  I’m going to bed! Challenge Both groups have gathered together on a dusty road.  At the end, there’s a large crevice.  A person is tied to a pole near the edge.  Mog: I’m so glad everyone was able to make it.    Tifa: *** mumbles ***  Like we had a choice.  Mog: Your challenge today is a simple task.  Run down the road and push the person into the crevice.   Sephiroth: That’s it?  No humiliation?  Mutilation?  Mog: ‘Fraid not.   Sephiroth: *** folds his arms and starts to pout***  Mog: The team who successfully has a member push him off, wins the immunity for their tribe.  Any questions?   Celes: Who is that guy anyway?  Mog: His name’s Chrono.  Don’t worry about him.  He doesn’t mind.  Chrono: ***yells*** Yes, I do!  Mog: Hey!  He talked!  Chrono: ***in his mind*** Oh no!  I did talk!  Now people will hold me to higher expectations!  What will I do?  I know.  I’ll just pretend that I didn’t say anything.  That would work!  Mog: Ready?  Get set.  Go! All contestants (excluding Sephiroth, who’s still pouting) run to the end.  Cloud was the one who knocked Chrono into the crevice.  Ironically, he didn’t even know there was a competition going on.  He was just trying to get away from Aeris.  Mog: Wol members.  I’m afraid I’ll have to meet you at Tribal Council tonight. Tribal Council The members of the Wol Tribe all sit together.  Mog appears and explains how the voting process works.  The members (one-by-one) leave the tribe and cast their vote.   Selphie: I vote for Ultemecia.  She’s bad news, and I don’t like how she’s always cranky.   Kuja: Ultemecia has my vote.  I think she’s planning on killing me!   Sephiroth: I vote for nobody.  I like to see people suffer!  HAHAHA!    Tifa: I would vote for myself, but I can’t.  So, I vote for Ultemecia.  No reason.  I guess her long nails creep me out.   Ultemecia: I vote Kefka off.  He’s a lunatic!  HE STOLE MY COMFORT ITEM!!!     Kefka: Please make Ultemecia leave!  I’ve never been so scared in my life!  I cried so hard when she was chasing me!  My mascara is still running! As fate would have it, Ultemecia was voted out.  She left in an outrage.  Chapter Three Oreh Tribe   Tidus: This isn’t so hard!  We’ve already won our first competition!   Cloud: Yes, it is.  I’ve done it before.     Vivi: Really, me too!   Tidus: Oh, really?  And where were you when you did it before?   Cloud: Australia.   Celes: Where’s that?   Cloud: ***shrugs shoulders *** It’s probably some place that doesn’t even exist.   Tidus: Yeah, you’re probably right.       Aeris: You’re so smart, Cloud!   Cloud: ***pushes Aeris down*** You’re not!  Just leave me alone!  I don’t love you!  I don’t even LIKE you!  Just take a hint, O.K.?       Aeris: Only someone who loves me would tell me the truth like that!  You’re so sweet!     Vivi and Rikku: ***laugh***   Celes: What’s so funny?    Rikku: Aeris is really stupid, you know!  Even I’m not THAT clueless! ***looks at Aeris, who’s staring at Cloud, and didn’t even notice her comment***   Vivi: Oh.  I was laughing at how cute my flower was.  I love it.       Aeris: I love Cloud!   Cloud: Shut up, already!  What do I have to do to...***stops and gets an evil smirk on his face***   Celes: What?   Cloud: What?   Celes: You said, "What do I have to do to..."  To what?   Cloud: Never mind!  Rikku: Whatever it is, I’m out!  Anyone with that smile is up to no good, you know!   Vivi: ***still laughing at how cute his flower is*** Wol Tribe   Selphie: Now, don’t we all feel better now that Ultemecia’s gone?    Tifa: No.     Kefka and Kuja: YES!!!   Selphie: Tifa, you’re acting so negative.  You should try to be happier, like me!   Sephiroth: And I think you, Selphie, are bringing to pass your own destruction!   Selphie: You’re making no sense.  You need a nap!   Sephiroth: There will be no nap taking!  Only the eternal sleep!  And you, Selphie, will be the one to experience it!    Tifa: ***laughs at Selphie, who is still smiling***   Sephiroth: to Selphie Don’t you ever stop being happy?   Selphie: No-siree!  Why would I want to be sad?   Sephiroth: Because it gives ME joy!  Now if you don’t start suffering, I’ll MAKE you start suffering!   Selphie: ***stares blankly at Sephiroth.  She’s smiling still***   Sephiroth: THAT’S IT! ***grabs Selphie and ties her to a rock.  He starts a fire beneath her***   Selphie: Hey!  You started a fire!  Now we’ll all be warm inside!        Sephiroth and Tifa: ***laugh at Selphie***   Selphie: See!  It pays to be happy!   Kuja: ***wanders over to the others.  He has green goop all over his face.*** What happened to her? ***points to Selphie***   Sephiroth: She’s getting what she deserves.     Kefka: ***comes and stands by Kuja.  Kefka scolds him*** I told you not to expose your face to heat!  The exfoliating mask I put on your face is very delicate!  It could get flaky and peel off!   Sephiroth:   ***peels off Kuja’s "mask" and laughs***        Kuja and Kefka: ***cry***   Kuja: You’re so mean, Sephiroth!     Kefka: Do you know how expensive that stuff is?        Kuja and Kefka: ***run away crying like little girls*** Challenge The teams have gathered for the challenge.  They are near the mountains.  Selphie is not there, however.  Mog: Does anyone know where Selphie went?   Sephiroth: ***mumbles***She got what she deserved.    Tifa: ***sarcastically*** I have no idea what happened to her!  Where could she be?  Oh no! Kuja and Kefka say nothing, because they’re still crying.  Mog: I’m afraid that the challenge will not take place until all people are present and accounted for.   Sephiroth: Believe me, Selphie’s accounted for.  Can we get on with it?  Mog: So you do know where she is?   Sephiroth: Nope.   Celes: Well, that was a blatant lie!   Tidus: Celes, be quiet!  That guy has a really big sword!  He could ruin my story!   Vivi: What story?   Tidus: MY Story!  Mog: Can someone please just tell me where Selphie is?    Tifa: Nope.   Sephiroth: Nope.   Kuja: ***stops crying*** She’s dead!  Sephiroth burned her!  Mog: Is this true?   Sephiroth: She got what she deserved.  She’s not happy any more! ***laughs***   Cloud: Sephiroth, would you please burn Aeris?   Sephiroth: Why, I’d be delighted!  I’ve already killed her once!  Mog: Wait!  Stop!  I’m afraid we have to disqualify you, Sephiroth.   Sephiroth: What?  This is an outrage!  You have no reason to disqualify me!  Mog: YOU KILLED SELPHIE!   Sephiroth: SHE GOT WHAT SHE DESERVED! After several hours, Sephiroth was escorted from the scene.  No challenge or Tribal Council took place, as the Wol Tribe had lost two more members.    Chapter Four Oreh Tribe       Aeris: ***hugs Cloud***  Cloud, we belong together!  Remember?  Cait Sith said so!   Cloud: ***whispering to Rikku*** Save me!  Save me!  Rikku: ***laughs***   Vivi: I love my flower!   Tidus: I hate my dad!   Celes: ***rolls her eyes*** Hey, Rikku!  Rikku: Yeah?   Celes: Do you want to show me your airship?  Rikku: Not really.   Celes: Let me rephrase that.  Show me your airship, NOW!  Rikku: O.K., O.K.! Rikku and Celes walk inside the airship.  Rikku starts explaining the controls to Celes.  Rikku: And if you want to go here, you push this button, you know.  See?   Celes: This ship isn’t like the one in my game.  Rikku: Huh?   Celes: In my game you actually fly around.  In this one, you just push buttons and you’re there.  How do you know this is even an airship?  It could just be one big teleporter.  Maybe in your game airships don’t even exist!  Maybe it’s all just one big lie, like my life.  Maybe all of us are just made up, fantasy characters.  Maybe...  Rikku: Stop!  You’re hurting my head, you know!   Celes: Sorry.  How does this work again? Rikku finishes explaining to Celes.  The two return to the rest of the group.  It’s very late and everyone is asleep.  Celes and Rikku join them in slumber.  Vivi is the first to wake up.   Vivi: ***trying to wake up Rikku*** Rikku.  Rikku?  Rikku: What is it, you know?   Vivi: Your airship is gone, and I can’t find Celes anywhere!  Rikku: What?   Vivi: Your airship is gone, and I can’t find Celes anywhere!  Rikku: I heard you the first time, Vivi, you know!   Vivi: Sorry. ***bows his head in shame, but becomes happy when he sees his flower***  Rikku: EVERYONE!!!  GET UP!!! ***everyone wakes up and stares at Rikku***   Tidus: What is it, Rikku?  Rikku: Who stole my airship?   Cloud: I don’t see Celes anywhere.  Was it her?       Aeris: Good observation, Cloud.  You’ll be such a smart husband!   Cloud: Yeah, too bad you won’t be around. ***gets the same evil smirk on his face***       Aeris: I don’t get it?  Rikku: Hello!  Did everyone just forget about my Dad’s airship?  He’s gonna KILL me if I don’t find it, you know!   Vivi: Let’s see.  Hmmm.  Celes, Tidus, and Rikku are the only ones who know how to operate it.  Rikku would never take her own airship.  That leaves us with Celes and Tidus.  Rikku: Celes isn’t here, you know, so it must have been...  Tidus!!!  What’s your alibi?   Tidus: I was asleep all night!  WHY WOULD I TAKE A DUMB AIRSHIP, ANYWAY?   Vivi: There’s no need to shout.       Aeris: He’s just angry because he did take it.  Right, Cloud?   Cloud: ***trying to be conspicuous, he has pulled out his sword, and was ready to slash Aeris in half, but stopped when she turned around*** Darn it!  Rikku: Now, now!  Remember Sephiroth, you know?   Cloud: Exactly.  That’s why nobody can be looking when I...Never mind. Wol Tribe Kefka and Kuja are sitting around a fire exchanging beauty tips.  Tifa is hitting and kicking a rock nearby.     Kefka: No, blue eye shadow does not bring out blue eyes.   Kuja: Are you sure?  I was positive that it did.     Kefka: No, you are mistaken.   Kuja: No, my friend, you are mistaken!     Kefka: Fine!  We’ll just have to get Tifa to settle this!   Kuja: Tifa?  Could you come here?    Tifa: ***walks over to them*** What is it?  If you’re planning to give me a make over, forget it!     Kefka: No, silly, it’s not that at all!  Kuja and I were having a disagreement.    Tifa: Well, that’s a first.  Two villains arguing.  When will it end?   Kuja: It will end when you tell Kefka that blue eye shadow brings out blue eyes.     Kefka: But it doesn’t!  Tifa, do you see the predicament we are in?    Tifa: Look, make-up is for little girls who have no self-esteem.   Kuja: And big, powerful, scary guys like us!    Tifa: ***rolls her eyes and leaves*** Kuja and Kefka continue to argue. Challenge The groups are in an open field.  A pile of rocks is laid out before each team.  Mog: All right!  Where’s Celes?  Rikku: We don’t know, you know?  Mog: Don’t tell me someone killed her.       Aeris: Nope.  Right, Cloud?   Cloud: *** was once again ready to kill Aeris, but stopped again*** Darn it!  Mog: Just Never mind!  We’ll just continue!  This game is also simple.  The team that eats the most rocks wins!  Oreh, I’m afraid that in order to make this fair, two of your players must sit out.  Who will it be?       Aeris: Cloud and I will sit out.  We have a lot of catching up to do!   Cloud: ***mumbles*** Yeah, with my Ultimate Weapon!    Tifa: ***heard Cloud’s comment and started to laugh***  Mog: Very well.  Ready?  Begin! The Wol Tribe won the challenge.  It appeared that Kuja had quite the appetite for rocks and dirt, as he had lived off of it when he was stuck in the Lifa Tree.  Cloud was again unsuccessful in the murder of Aeris.   Mog: I’m sorry, Oreh, but I’ll see you at Tribal Council this evening. Tribal Council The Oreh Tribe, excluding Celes who was still gone, are gathered together.  They cast their votes.   Cloud: Get Aeris away from me!       Aeris: I vote Tidus off!  He stole Rikku’s airship!  Rikku: Tidus should leave, because I don’t trust him anymore, you know!   Tidus: I vote for Rikku.  She accused me of something I didn’t do!   Vivi: I don’t want to vote for anyone.  That would be mean. And so, for taking the airship, Tidus was voted off.   Tidus: Hey!  This wasn’t part of my story at all! Chapter Five Oreh Tribe For some odd reason, Aeris has left Cloud’s side to talk with Vivi.       Aeris: I think Cloud’s going to propose to me any day now!  Where do you think we should get married?   Vivi: I don’t think you’ll get married at all.       Aeris: What?   Vivi: I don’t think you’ll get married at all.       Aeris: I heard you the first time!   Vivi: What is it with you girls?  You need to make up your mind?       Aeris: I was just wondering why you thought I wasn’t going to get married to Cloud.   Vivi: He doesn’t like you.  I think he’s trying to kill you.   Cloud: ***was sneaking up on Aeris.  This time he was planning to throw a large rock on her***  Darn it, Vivi!  I was so close! ***ran away ***       Aeris: Where would you get an idea like that?   Vivi: It’s not an idea.  Would you like to smell my flower?  Rikku: ***walks over to Aeris and Vivi*** What’s going on over here?       Aeris: I was explaining to Vivi how wonderful Cloud is.  Rikku: He doesn’t like you, Aeris, you know.       Aeris: Why does everyone keep saying that?!   Vivi: It’s the truth.  Aeris, ummm, turn around.   Cloud:***trying the rock thing one more time***  Rikku: That was strange, you know. Wol Tribe Kuja and Kefka continue to argue about blue eye shadow.  Their feud. has become violent.  They’re casting spells, trying to kill each other.     Kefka: It doesn’t bring out blue eyes!  X-zone!   Kuja: It does!  It does!  Trance!    Tifa: ***obviously agitated by the arguing*** Shut up!  SHUT UP!!!        Kefka and Kuja: Stay out of this, Tifa!!!    Tifa: THAT’S IT! ***knocks out both Kefka and Kuja*** Much better. Challenge The tribes are gathered together again.  They are again by the crevice.  Mog: I’m glad to see that nobody is missing this time!  Today’s challenge...    Tifa: Wait!  Can our tribe forfeit?  Kuja and Kefka aren’t feeling at their best today.   Kuja and Kefka: ***still unconscious***  Mog: Well, that’s a twist. ***shrugs shoulders*** Oh well.  At least they haven’t died or run away.  Wol Tribe, I’ll meet you at Tribal Council this evening. Tribal Council The Wol Members are gathered.  Kuja and Kefka are still unconscious and unable to cast their votes.  Mog: Well, Tifa, it looks like you’re the only eligible one to cast a vote.  So, who’s leaving?    Tifa: Kuja.  Mog: And why did you choose Kuja?    Tifa: I can’t stand that there’s a guy prettier than me.  Mog: That’s not very fair.    Tifa: Yeah, well either is this stupid game.  When do I get to go home?  Mog: You should try to...    Tifa: If you tell me to be happy I’ll give you what Sephiroth thinks you deserve!  Mog: What does Sephiroth have to do with this?    Tifa: Never mind. ***walking toward camp, dragging Kefka*** Just make sure Kuja leaves.    Kuja: ***wakes up*** Did I miss anything? Chapter Six The two different tribes have merged.  Everyone left is staying at the Wol Tribe’s camp.  Kefka has regained consciousness.   Mog: Now that the tribes have merged, the game is bound to get interesting.  We need to come up with the new tribe’s name.  Any suggestions?       Aeris: How about Cloud’s Tribe?  Rikku: That’s silly, you know.   Vivi: We should name ourselves the Happy Tribe.    Tifa: Oh no.  Not another one.       Aeris: Another what?    Tifa: You wouldn’t get it.   Cloud: Yeah, she doesn’t get anything.       Aeris: I love you, Cloud.    Tifa: ***laughs*** It’s just like old times.     Kefka: You mean to tell me that everyone else has friends here but me?    Tifa: Kefka, you have no friends.  Remember?       Kefka: What about Kuja?    Tifa: You tried to kill each other.     Kefka: Oh yeah.  Mog: HELLO!  You people lose your focus so easily.  We’re here to come up with a new tribe name.  Rikku: We could have the Spira Tribe.  After all, that’s where we are, you know.   Cloud: No.  I like the Killaeris Tribe.       Aeris: That has a nice ring to it!      Tifa: ***sarcastically***  You’re right, Aeris.  It really does. ***whispers to Cloud*** She’s such an idiot.      Cloud and Tifa: ***laugh***     Kefka: ***laughs to fit in***  Mog: All right!  We have a new tribe.  The Killaeris Tribe!  From this point on, trust no one.  The immunity no longer applies to the whole group.  Now you...  Rikku: We know!  We’ve seen it on T.V., you know!  Mog: Fine!  Just fine!  You people are driving me crazy!  I hope you all burn!    Tifa: Oh, you mean like Selphie?  Mog: ***runs off in a furious rampage***     Kefka: What was his problem?    Tifa:***sarcastic*** He bought a long-lasting lipstick, and it just didn’t last.     Kefka: ***teary eyed*** I know how that goes.   Vivi: ***stares confused at Kefka*** Are you a boy or a girl? Challenge Mog explains how the rest of the game will play.  The group is still at the Killareis Camp.  Mog: Today, for the immunity challenge, each of you will be given material, thread, and a single needle.  Each of you is to make an article of clothing.  Whoever comes up with the most original design wins the immunity.  You have one hour.  You may begin.   Cloud: You’ve got to be kidding.     Kefka: Yay!  I’m going to make a pretty dress!    Tifa: Good for you, Kefka.  I’m sure that dress making gives your life meaning.     Kefka: ***already starting on the dress*** Yep.  It will be so pretty!    Tifa: I don’t think I’m even going to try.  Rikku: C’mon, Tifa.  It can’t be that bad, you know.   Vivi: ***whispers to Cloud*** Is Kefka a boy or a girl?   Cloud: ***shrugs shoulders*** An hour later, the group gathers together for a "fashion show."  (At least that’s what Kefka said.)  Everyone takes a turn to reveal their clothing item.     Kefka: I’ll go first. ***he/she revealed the dress.  It had intricate designs.  It looked much like a dress a Disney Princess might wear***  Mog: Very nice, Kefka.  Who’ll go next?   Vivi: I will. ***Vivi pulls out a thin strap of material***  Mog: What is that?   Vivi: It’s a shoelace!  I’m very proud of it.  Mog: ***pauses, a little confused***  All right, then.  Who’s next?  Rikku: I guess I am, you know. ***Rikku shows an item identical to Vivi’s*** I made the other shoelace!  Mog: ***mumbles*** That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. ***regular speaking voice***  O.K.  We have Cloud, Aeris, and Tifa left.  Who’ll go next?       Aeris: I made a pretty wedding dress for me! ***displays a hideous dress***   Cloud: Besides you, Aeris, that’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.       Aeris: You’re so honest!   Cloud: ***ready to slap Aeris across the face, but is interrupted by Mog***  Mog: Cloud, what did you make?   Cloud: I made a sack. ***pulls out his sack***  Mog: A sack?   Cloud: Yes.  Mog: Was I not clear with my instructions?  I specifically said an article of clothing?  What good is a sack anyway?   Cloud: ***Trying to suffocate Aeris with the sack*** I don’t know.  Mog: What are you doing?   Cloud: Nothing.  Mog: Do I have to disqualify you too?   Cloud: ***stops and hangs his head*** No, sir.  Mog: All right, then.  Tifa, were’s your item?    Tifa: ***pulls out a regular piece of material.  She has done nothing to it.*** It’s a blanket.  Mog: ARTICLE OF CLOTHING!  IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?    Tifa: Fine then, it’s a cape. ***puts it around her shoulders***  Mog: ***composes himself*** Kefka wins.  I’ll see you all at Tribal Council. Tribal Council You probably know the drill by now.  Everyone casts their vote.   Vivi: Does anyone want to see my flower?  Rikku: Cloud should probably leave next.  I think he’s trying to kill Aeris, you know.     Kefka: I vote for Tifa.  I hate a girl that’s prettier than me.    Tifa: Get rid of me!  I want to leave!       Aeris: I want Tifa to go away.  I think she’s trying to take Cloud away from me!   Cloud: AERIS!  PLEASE! Tifa was escorted from Zanarkand.  She was happier than she had been in a long, long time. Chapter Seven Killaeris Tribe Kefka sleeps.  He had just given himself a manicure, and tired himself out.  Vivi sits devastated.  His flower, now wilted lay in his hands.    Vivi: Why, little flower, why? ***starts crying***  Rikku: What’s wrong?  You shouldn’t be sad, you know.   Vivi: Look!  It’s going to die! ***shows Rikku his flower*** I don’t know what to do.  Rikku: Aeris uses white magic, you know.  She could help you!   Vivi: ***with newfound hope in his eyes.*** Really? Aeris is near the edge of the cliff, searching for Cloud, who seems to have vanished.       Aeris: Cloud!  Come out, come out wherever you are!   Cloud: ***runs out from behind a rock, picks up Aeris, and attempts to throw her off of the cliff***       Aeris: I found you!   Vivi: Cloud, what are you doing?   Cloud: ***puts Aeris down*** This is useless, isn’t it.  Rikku: Yep, you know.   Cloud: ***starts to cry*** I’ve gotta have a crazy dead girl after me!  As if it’s not hard enough to be a puppet!    Vivi: ***comforting Cloud*** There, there.  I know how that feels. ***pulls out his flower*** You can have it if you want to.  It’s dead though.   Cloud: No thank you, Vivi. ***gets the evil smile*** You gave me a great idea though! ***runs off***       Aeris: ***runs after Cloud***   Vivi: to Rikku I’m never going to save my flower, am I?  Rikku: It’ll be O.K., you know.  I picked you another one!   Vivi: ***grabs the flower Rikku offered, and hugs her*** You’re a good friend, Rikku!  Rikku: I know, you know! The group sits around a fire at sunset.  They hadn’t heard from Mog, and knew nothing about a new immunity challenge.  Cloud is missing again.       Aeris: I wonder where he runs off to!  Rikku: I think he’s just trying to get away from you, you know.       Aeris: Where would you get a crazy idea like that?  Cloud loves me!     Kefka: Does anyone have lip-gloss I can borrow?  My lips are absolutely chapped.    Vivi: Are you a boy or a girl?     Kefka: ***about to answer Vivi’s question when Cloud appears with a large bouquet of flowers***       Aeris: There you are, Cloud!  I’ve been looking everywhere for you?  Are those for me? ***points to bouquet***   Cloud: ***hands the bouquet to Aeris*** Yes, they are.     Kefka: I wish someone would get me a bouquet.  Rikku: Cloud, I thought you hated her, you know.   Cloud: ***whispers to Rikku*** I do. Aeris proudly shows off her bouquet.   Vivi: Why does it make a ticking sound?   Cloud: ***running away as quickly as he can*** I don’t know!     Kefka: Aeris, let me see your bouquet.       Aeris: No, it’s mine.     Kefka: I want to see it NOW!       Aeris: NO! The two quarrel.  Kefka grabs at the bouquet.  Aeris drops it off the cliff.  A huge explosion takes place at the bottom.  Cloud, who is several miles away, hears the explosion.  He starts celebrating the death of his tormenter.  His happiness is short lived when he finds Aeris still alive. There is still no sign of Mog. Chapter Eight Killaeris Tribe Several days had passed since the last Challenge or Tribal Council.  The remaining tribe members decide to take drastic action.  Rikku: It’s clear that Mog isn’t coming back, you know.     Kefka: Yes, we truly have to do something about this.   Cloud: I say we still vote people off.  Anyone who disagrees will pay the consequences. ***polishes his weapon.  Mumbles*** I hope Aeris disagrees.       Aeris: I agree!   Cloud: Darn it!  Rikku: I think that this is a great... Rikku is interrupted by a mysterious visitor.  Rikku seems to know him well.  Rikku: Daddy?  What are you doing here, you know?  Cid: Where’s my airship?  Rikku: Well, you know, there was this..., you know, and...  Cid: Rikku!  Where is it?  Rikku: ***regretful*** Tidus stole it.  Cid: WHAT!    Vivi: Tidus stole it.  Cid: I HEARD RIKKU THE FIRST TIME!    Vivi: You humans are confusing.  Would you like to smell my flower?  Rikku gave it to me.  Cid: ***ignoring Vivi’s comment***  Rikku, you’re coming with me!  NOW!!!  Rikku: But, but, you know, I gotta win, and ...  Cid: ***drags Rikku by the ear away from the Killaeris Camp***    Vivi: Bye, bye, Rikku!  I’ll miss you!       Aeris: Well, I guess that’s the last we’ll hear of her.     Kefka: And that’s fine with me.  It annoyed me how she wore blue eye shadow.    Vivi: Are you a boy or a girl? Chapter Nine Killaeris Tribe Weeks have passed.  Cloud is on the verge of insanity.  Aeris is as happy as ever.  Vivi has planted a garden full of flowers.  Kefka’s make-up supply had run out, and he refused to come out of his tent.  (How could he be seen without makeup on?)  Still no word on Mog.    Vivi: ***watering his garden***       Aeris: What are you doing?    Vivi: I’m watering my garden.       Aeris: I used to have a garden.  It was in Midgar.    Vivi: Where’s that?       Aeris: You don’t know where Midgar is?    Vivi: Nope.  I’m not sure I even know where Zanarkand is.       Aeris: Me either.  I don’t mind.  I just wish I knew where Cloud was, though.   Cloud: ***in camouflage gear.  throws small rocks (and some not so small) at Aeris*** Die, evil beast!  Die!       Aeris: There you are!  Bye, Vivi.  I’m going to go talk to Cloud.  He’s such a flirt.    Vivi: He doesn’t like you. Before the conversation could go further, a familiar face entered into the Killaeris Camp.   Sephiroth: How is everyone doing here?    Vivi: Not so good.  Cloud’s going crazy, Aeris is crazy, and Kefka refuses to come out of his tent!   Sephiroth: Excellent! ***laughs a sinister laugh***    Vivi: We also haven’t seen Mog for a long time!  I think something happened to him.   Sephiroth: He got what he deserved.    Vivi: Huh?   Sephiroth: That’s beside the point.    Vivi: What point?  Where?   Sephiroth: I am the new host.  Gather everyone together.  Your next challenge is ready to begin. Challenge The players are gathered in the center of the camp.  It took several hours to convince Kefka to come out of the tent.  The solution?  He put Cloud’s bag over his face.   Sephiroth: As you know, I am in charge now.  Today’s challenge is the best one yet.  Whoever can withstand my torture longest wins. ***laughs*** If you give up, you lose.  If you cry, you lose.  If you die, you lose.  If you bleed, you lose.  Kefka: What if I...   Sephiroth: You lose.  Any questions?  Good!  We begin now! Cloud, who was already crying because of Aeris, lost.  Kefka cried within three minutes, and Aeris within five.  Vivi had won the immunity. Tribal Council   Sephiroth: I’d like to start by saying how idiotic you all are.  You couldn’t even let me torture you!  How pathetic!  You all deserve to lose!  Anyhow, let’s get started with the voting.   Cloud: AERIS IS THE SPAWN OF SATAN!       Aeris: I vote for Kefka.  He needs to go home and get a life, and stop obsessing over stuff.  Kefka: Get rid of Cloud.  His murder attempts are driving me CRAZY!    Vivi: It would be sad for me to vote, so I don’t think I will. Sephiroth counted the votes and noticed a three-way tie between Cloud, Aeris, and Kefka.   Sephiroth: Well, idiots, we have a tie.  In this event, I choose who leaves.  I choose Cloud.   Cloud: Why me?   Sephiroth: You’ve been tortured enough.   Cloud: Yay!  I’m free!  I’m free! ***skips happily away from the camp***       Aeris: Wait, Cloud!  I’m coming with you! ***Chases after him***   Cloud: ***in the distance*** NOOOO!!!! Chapter Ten Final Voting Vivi and Kefka (now known as Bagface) are the remaining two players.  Everyone, excluding Selphie and Mog who were still dead, was gathered to cast a final vote between Vivi and Kefka.  This time, they were voting to see who was most deserving of the cash prize at the end.  Here’s what the results looked like.  Sephiroth refused to vote, as he was the host now.   Ultemecia: I vote for Vivi, because Kefka, the little creep, took my nail polish!   Celes: I would like to see Vivi win.  He was always so nice.   Tidus: In my story, Vivi wins!    Kuja: Blue eye shadow brings out blue eyes, so I vote for Vivi.    Tifa: I suppose that Vivi should win.  At least he’s not insane.  Rikku: I vote for Vivi, you know!   Cloud: I vote for Vivi.  Us puppets gotta stick together!       Aeris: I’m voting for Vivi, because that’s what Cloud’s doing! And so Sephiroth announced the results.   Sephiroth: And the winner is Vivi!    Vivi: Yay!  Now I’ll be able to have a billion flowers!  Bagface: ***cries*** Isn’t there one person who voted for me?   Sephiroth: Nope.  I’m afraid that you’ll have to live with that torment for the rest of your pathetic little life! ***laughs***                       Everyone but Bagface ***laughs***  Bagface: ***cries***   Ultemecia: Who took my nail polish?   Celes: Who’s bright idea was this anyway?   Tidus: This has been my story!    Kuja: I don’t care what anyone says, but blue eye shadow brings out blue eyes!     Tifa: Can I go home yet?  Rikku: I still haven’t found my airship, you know.   Cloud: I’ll kill Aeris someday.  I vow that I will!       Aeris: You’re such a tease, Cloud.   Sephiroth: The tension is fabulous!  Hahahah!    Vivi: Does anyone want to smell my flower?   The End