spring of 03 late in the night i am tossed into the fight. of whether i should lie, or whether i should die. to the corner i have crept away from the bed where i have slept. thoughts whip through my mind of answers i can not find. as i cry into the night i look out my window, to the moon light. the choice before me is a hard one for only once may it be done. as my eyes draw to a close i trudge to my bed, dragging my toes. as i drift slowly to sleep i listen quietly, to my heart beat. wondering what it would be like, if that were the last time i would feel it strike. 07.18.03      not depressed, but sad. is there a difference? i don't know, but i don't like either of them. the only thing which makes me feel a little better is the night sky it's so beautiful, with a shimmering full moon. when i forget about the beauty, that's when the ringing starts. it starts whenever i'm in a quiet surrounding. mostly just in my left ear, but occasionally in the right too. very rarely in both. i haven't figured out what the ringing exactly is yet, but i think it has something to do with the presence of spirits or them trying to contact me. that would explain the cold chills and the feeling like someone else is in the room. i think the spirit is sad too, because sometimes i just start crying when i'm not even sad. or maybe i'm going crazy. that would be easy to accept knowing all the shit that's going on. i guess writing this all down too makes me feel a bit better. drawing helps too, but i haven't been too creative ever since i stopped excessively should in like 7th or 8th grade. i should have taken an art class in high school, but it's too late now. maybe i'll take one in college. it would be nice to be able to sketch somewhat decent. perhaps i wouldn't be so sad then, since i would have an outlet for my emotions, or at least another outlet, it's hard keeping your true feelings locked up. but if i were to let them out, someone would end up dead. it would make me happy, but would make others sad. i wonder if i'm possessed. all of these evil feelings have to be coming from somewhere. it would also explain why i like destruction and find some unusual thing exciting. i also wish i knew why i have difficulties falling asleep. it would be nice to not be tried for once. maybe my mind is scared of the very dreams it creates, and thus makes me stay awake until my body just shuts down. some of my dreams even scare me, not like the way nightmares do though. even if i have a dream-less sleep i end up waking up a few times during the night, early morning i mean. my parents are one of the causes to this, they're so loud. it's like they have no courtesy at all at least when i'm up and they're asleep i try to be as quiet as possible, even though i hate them and have no love for them. i really need to get out of here. this place is just full of too many bad and painful memories. i saw mars tonight. though it was a ufo at first. then i later looked it up. this is the closest it's been to earth in like 6,000 years or something. i wish i could go to mars, and the moon. even just being in space would be great. 07.22.03 driving on the gravel the ground swerves left the car dives into the guard rail snow pours from the air bag i rip my seat belt off, his wasn't on my best friend is running around, blood seeping from his face i get him by the remaining head light clean his face, mold the fender, pick up the pieces, and take off. trying to figure out what happened, we're heading for home. once there we check the damage we reaped bruised and beaten friend, left fender destroyed i'm such a fool, i should have gone with him to the ER injuries seemed minor, but i can't help but think the worst here i sit, saved by my belt, giving myself a headache i don't know how i could go on if i killed my best friend, i just love him too damn much. i discover tragedy reveals the true being of a person, whether it be beauty or beast. 08.13.03      ah, the universe. it's something that's everywhere, yet holds so much mystery. there are many theories on what it is and how it was created, and here's mine. it never was created. the universe has always been here. i understand this is a hard concept to accept, especially since we as humans think in a beginning-ending train of thought. i don't believe in god, so i couldn't believe in creationism. it just didn't sit right with me. when i heard about creationism in grade school [a private catholic school] i just accepted it, mainly because i was young and couldn't think for myself too well. but as i grew up and started experiencing life, i thought it was complete bullshit. mainly in the aspect of there being no god. i thought to myself, "if there is a god, how can he just kick back and watch, while so many people are suffering and dying [whether physically or mentally]." and i further thought, "if there is a god, he must be a senilical bitch that likes seeing people suffer." anyway, back to the universe thing. so it's always been here is what i've established so far, and it will always be here. just sometimes it won't look like much. the universe has a cycle just like anything else, sorta like how a planet moves around in an orbit or how water is recycled through the water cycle. the universe's cycle begins with the big bang. this is because it's cycle ends with the universe collapsing so far that it possibly cannot compress together any further, and the only thing left to do is erupt. well after that happens the matter and, get this, the anti-matter spread out. rather quickly at first, then gradually slowing down. it helps to think of the universe as a rubber band, because when the universe gets spread out too far, it begins to 'snap back.' and it continues to 'snap back' until all the matter and anti-matter is compressed into a single point. then it explodes again the the process starts anew. and of course in the middle of this explosion and contraction, planets and stars form. supernovas and black holes form, etc. although when it comes to life, i'm not sure that happens every time around. because look at all the things that have to go just right for life to be possible. 01, our planet has to be the right size. if it were too small our bodies wouldn't function properly. an example is the moon, if we lived there, our legs would become so weak that we wouldn't be able to stand up if we went to earth. and our planet couldn't be too big either, because the g-force would be so strong that we would be piles of goo. jupiter is an example here. not only is a big planet a vacuum for asteroids, it has so many g's that our bodies wouldn't function right. like being able to stand up, or keeping ourself from shitting everywhere. it would be a great place to go if you're constipated though i guess, if you could stand up. 02, our planet has to be the right distance from the sun. if we were too close, we'd melt; too far away, we'd freeze. plain and simple. then say those 2 thing go fine, there's still has to be an atmosphere so we can breathe. look at mars, it's the right size, placed far enough away from the sun, but lifeless. it's theorized that it once had life, or that it still does have life [microscopic life anyway]. it's also theorized that there was water on mars, which i guess could be true, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it once or still does have life. so even if the position is right, everything has to go right on the planet. i believe atmospheres are created as volcanos release gasses, and these combine into oxygen, hydrogen, etc and form water and such.      yet another controversial subject. well since i don't believe in god, i obviously don't believe in heaven, or hell. so if there's no heaven or hell, what is there? paradise. a paradise of whatever you want it to be, your paradise is what you make it. an example is the movie 'what dream may come.' robert williams character dies in the movie, and he goes to paradise. which is in a painting he made. there's a small house along a river within a valley of flowers and trees. really beautiful except everything was paint. you should check it out some time, real good movie. anyway, so we go to paradise when we die, and everyone has one, unfortunately. because i really wish some people would go to hell. but you may be saying, "wait. that's not right. how can evil twisted people get away without suffering for what they've done? how can people who commit suicide still be allowed to go to paradise and not have to pay for anything they did?" well, we have something called astral bodies. these bodies are more accurately our soul, the thing that sets us apart from say a robot. sure, a robot can think by itself and do all sorts of great things, but it doesn't have an essence. it doesn't think, "in five years i'd like to be married and be making little robots." so this astral body is always with us, well because it is us basically. we just cannot see them or access the knowledge they contain, normally. astral bodies are sort of like a time line, of all our past lives, experiences, etc. every time we're recreated, we start a new learning experience. each one serves its individual purpose. that's how evil and suicidal people get away with being allowed a paradise. another thing i should mention, is that you can always leave paradise to return to earth, reincarnation. that's also in 'what dreams may come.' so we use these experiences and paradize's to learn, or to prepare. but for what? for a second afterlife [just thought of that while writing this, but it makes sense]. i higher and much more rewarding paradise. which is a little difficult to believe, seeing as how you think the first paradise would be so great. so that's that. there's something else i wanted to talk about, but cannot remember anymore since it's taken me like an hour to write all this and revise my ideas. mainly because i've never written them down and organized and examined them. oh yeah, now i remember what i was going to talk about.      obviously we're all traveling through time. if we weren't nothing would ever happen, like the universe would be on pause. the time travel i'm talking about is like 'back to the future' stuff. but my theory is different from that. yeah, we can go back in time, but if we do, it won't change anything in the world when we return to our correct time. but instead we'll change the events that will happen in the time we went to, sorta creating a parallel timeline. i've spent a lot of time thinking about this and that is the only possible theory that could work. because if we went back in time, say 5 years, and met ourselves, don't you think that would have happened 'the first time' and that you would remember seeing your future self? it would never be able to work that way, first of all because you're one person and you cannot be in more than one place at once, or more than one mind for that matter. it would be impossible for you to control both bodies, which is what you would have do since both bodies are you. the only thing i could think of happening is a rip in the space/time continuum which would rip the very fabric of this universe - a back to the future paraphrased quote. there's a movie called the 'langolers' which supports a no time travel theory. basically what's happening is and airplane flies through a rip in time while going to california i believe. when they arrive only the passengers that were asleep didn't disappear. everyone else seemed to have vanished, but their belongings like stuff in their pockets and pacemakers remained in the seats where they were sitting. i should mention one of the pilots survived too, how else would they have landed? so anyway, they fly through a time rip and are now in this abandoned airport. nothing seems to work or seem right. the soda and food are tasteless, matches and fuel don't burn, bullets don't travel fast enough to kill. but if they take the food and matches on the plane [their time machine], they taste and burn and so on. anyway, one of the characters was a little girl, maybe 11 or so, and she's blind. which means she can hear really well. and she's constantly hearing a grinding type of noise. it keeps getting louder and louder. it's the langolers coming. some of the people that survive were pretty bright and figured out basically what happened to them and why they're in this motionless time [the sun hasn't moved since they arrived, which has been several hours]. and during their adventures they discover that nothing works unless they take it on the plane. so they clearly want to get back to their time so they get the fuel in the plane, which they have to do from onboard pumps, and follow the same flight plan as when they come, so they would pass back through the time rip. that works out all nice if they had forever to do it, but they don't, because the langolers are coming. they're basically time travelers that eat up the past, making time travel impossible since there would be nothing to travel back to. so anyway, they narrowly escape the langolers [except for the crazy guy causing all the chaos] and fly back through the time rip. but wait, they need to be sleeping. but how can you fly a plane and sleep at the same time? and how can you just sleep? well one daring individual takes up the responsibility to fly the plane while the others sleep so they can make it home [it wasn't the pilot though, how else would they land?]. and the sleeping problem was solved by depressurizing the cabin so they pass out, except the stand in pilot who had an oxygen mask. so he flew the plane through and right before, repressurized the cabin so they would all wake up after they went through this marvelous rainbow color football shaped figure. but when they get back to the airport they departed from in the first place, it seems as though their efforts were fruitless. there were still no people, but one thing was different, everything seemed to work too well and taste too good. the good thing is that the smart guy wasn't the unfortunate soul who decided to die to save the rest. he figured out that they were in the time prior to anyone being it it. sorta like the dead time they were just in, but this wasn't the destruction of past time but the preparation [future] for the present time which would be approaching. so they stood against the wall and watched as people and kids started to magically appear and they were all happy and the end. it's a nice movie and all but i don't believe time travel is like that. i like my parallel time synthesis one. where if you go back in time, you don't change your time, but you change the time of the people you went back to, which seems weird because you would be going back to yourself and your own people, or so it would seem. but every second that passes is a parallel time, there are endless possibilities that could happen every second, and they do happen actually. in those parallel times. the easiest way to comprehend this is to watch 'back to the future II.' it's quite similar to my parallel time every second thing. there are endless parallel existances occurring right now. if you went back in time exactly 10 years and changed something, it would create an entirely different effect than going back 10 years and 1 second and changing something would have, even if it was the same thing you changed. and when you returned to your proper time, nothing would have changed, because time has already been written for the time you're in, and it cannot be rewritten, it can only continue to write itself as time continues on in a forward fashion. ah, i think i'm all done now, except of course for my aliens are humans theory, which required my time travel theory, but i'll write that tomorrow or sometime later.      i'm not talking about illegal immigrants here, i'm talking about e.t. stuff here. if you've read my previous writing about time and the universe, this fits in pretty much where those end. so if you haven't read those [i know...they're long] you should or what i'm going to explain might not make sense. with that being said, i believe life was/is an accident, or a freak occurrance that occur while many factors required for life took place [again, see my universe article for those factors]. and since the accident occurred here, and i believe in aliens, how could this be true? since aliens would most likely without a doubt have to be some type of living organism. so i had to formulate a theory on how there could be aliens, yet only life on earth. it was kinda weird, cuz the answer just seemed to smack me in the face when i more or less tripped upon it. if you haven't read my universe article, the universe has a beginning and an ending in its continuous cycle, the beginning being a huge explosion throwing matter everywhere which will later form planets and stars; and the ending being all those planets, stars, and space collapsing upon a single point until it cannot collapse any further. so obviously we [or any other living organism] can live in either of these situations. not only that, but stars only burn for so long, before rapidly expanding [it's predicted that the sun will grow to the size of venus' orbit] and then collapsing in upon itself creating a black hole, sucking space, time, and matter into it. and again, we obviously can't live if the sun is that close or if the sun becomes a black hole. but it's not like this is going to happen tomorrow, we have like 6 million or billion years i think, i can't remember exactly. either way, that's a hell of a long time. and if you look at the technological advancements which have occurred in only the past 100 years, try to imagine where we would be in a million years. by then, time travel may be possible. and if it is, humans as a race will never die. sure, individual humans may die, or maybe they won't, we use to live into our 30's thousands of years ago, and now we are living well into our 90's. either way, the human race will never die, because we can simply go back into time. and this is where the aliens come in. so say it's 6 million or billion [how ever long our sun decides to burn] years in the future and our sun begins expanding, which means we're all going to be turned into flaming hot dogs. by this time, space travel is a common occurrance, but time travel is military restricted [we don't want to go messing up a parallel timeline]. so to save the human race, it's decided that we will leave earth, taking as many people as we can with us. from here i see two possibilities. 01, we go find another life sustaining planet and move there. and continue to do so after those stars collapse until there are no more life sustaining planets left in the universe. or 02, we go back in time. maybe we could drift around the universe too in man-made environments and so on, but the universe still has to recycle and collapse. so in the end, we still have to go back in time. we would probably do so at the beginning stage of the universe, after it exploded and planets are beginning to form. i would presume we would only drift around the universe, because we don't want to alter any events that will take place or else we might alter the timeline of the period we went back to and kill off our very existence, well, at least the existence that would happen, due to the parallel timeline rule so to speak. well this could go on forever. every time the universe is about to end, we go back to the beginning of the universe. and even in just the 6 million years, our bodies may evolve even further, appearing 'alien'[grey skin, big black eyes, skinny, tall, guitar pick shaped heads, you know]. the first generation, or the originals as i call them, may even want to check up on us. thus the ufo sightings and crop circles are explained. there there you have it, aliens are humans. we become aliens. just a note about my writing, i don't like paragraphs. i think in trains of thought and thus write in trains of thought [if you didn't notice :P]. paragraphs limit you too much by making you think in blocks and make you break up your work/thoughts. 08.15.03      i'm so bored. waiting for the oven to warm up so i can put a pizza in. i used to love tombstone pepperoni pizzas so much, but for the last few months i just can't get enough of jack's pepperoni, and pepperoni and sausage pizzas. i find my self funny and strange at some time, it's like 1:50 am and i'm making a pizza. oh well, i usually stay up till 7 am if i don't have to get up for work or school too early the next 'day.' i like to call it the next day or tomorrow because it doesn't feel right calling it today till you get some sleep. ugh, so annoying. trillian and my connection are fuckin up :mad: now i got distracted and can't think of anything to write. oh...a little news about my meager life, the company i work for sold our store [just a little town gas station]. funny thing is none of us [me and my co-workers] knew nothing of this until after the store was sold. then the owner faxed a letter saying this company was buying us and that he really enjoyed working with us blah blah blah... what i thought was fucked was he didn't even have the balls to tell us we were for sale. he just out of the blue said, "oh yeah. so and so bought your store" basically. and he couldn't even tell us in person that the store was sold, he faxed us a letter. i'm usually a pretty easy going guy, but that was just totally lame. that's like someone not saying thank you when you hold the door open for them. it makes you want to slam the door in their face. so i guess it's a good thing, because i wasn't planning on working there much longer anyway. but now i get to go looking for another job. i'm really good at building computers, so i'm gonna check out some comp stores around here.      i just remembered how unfair and shitty this world is, so i'm done. and if you know me don't even bother trying to talk to me about it cuz it's something i _DON'T_ want to talk about. end. have a great fucking life. i won't. 08.22.03 this maze i entered so long ago its endless corridors provided comfort now i've become lost in the jungle of passageways as each day passes growing ever more sad growing ever more lonely the hole in my heart feasts i fear if i do not escape soon it will consume what's left of me but tired and weakened i am so i lay in rest waiting for the one the one who knows the path the path which can save me the path which can set me free the poem goes along with this pic i made.      2 days ago i had another horrible dream. i don't want to explain every detail, because it was so vivid i'd fill the whole page with details. anyway, i was driving up north to someone's cabin or something. it snowed the night before i left. i was either driving a gremlin or a horizon down the road along side a cliff. this was a HUGE cliff, and there were no guard rails for some reason now that i think about it. so anyway, there's snow on the road and i'm coming to the top of a hill, and on the other side the road is all snow, you can't even tell where the road is. strange thing is, this was a relatively large hill, and near the bottom a guy was skiing UP it [just as if he was going down a hill]. so i'm driving down this hill and i'm sliding all over, and near where the guy is on the side of the road, the road turns to the right following the cliff's edge. well i slide off the road over the cliff. time freezes. i look over to the right and see the guy who's skiing, and he's laughing at me. it was like a cartoon too, because i didn't fall right away, i just hovered there. then i began to fall. the sensation i felt in my stomach is indescribable, but it was the same as when i had falling dreams in the past. so the only way to know how it felt is to experience a falling dream for yourself i guess. so in the dream i'm like, "well, this fucking sucks." since i have had lucid dreams in the past [dreams that you can control what happens], i had two options. wake myself up or crash. before i even realized what was happening i woke myself up, because i've had dreams in the past where i haven't woke up, and hitting the ground fucking feels terrible.      then last night my insomnia was in full effect. had to take some nyquil to try and help me fall asleep. but even when i did fall asleep i just woke up like an hour later, and this went on until i got up at like 3. so i felt terrible.      tomorrow ought to be fun. get to talk to the cops about some road rage i saw tonight. then i get to say 1 or 2 a lot at the optometrist. at least i'll be getting contacts though, my glasses are getting increasingly annoying. not to mention they're all lopsided and stuff, and they always like to fall off when i look down [they're the old oakley e or t frames, so they don't have the behind the ear hook things like normal glasses do]. heh, oh yeah. i got to start looking for another job too. the gas station i've been working at was sold to a different owner, so we were all supposed to re-apply and shit. i've been waiting for a while to get out of there, and couldn't pass up this lovely opportunity that was set before me. so i put in my 2 week notice, but the new owner takes over in less than 2 weeks, so i'm not sure whether i have to work the full 2 weeks. because i'm not going to work a few days w/o pay. heh, it's 4:20 right now i'm actually tired now, so i'm going to go to bed. wish me luck on a decent sleep tonight      ugh, this week has been real fun. every night when i was going to bed i started my playlist on evanescence [good music for relaxing] and every time i've waken up during some nine days song. it really sucks because that's only like 5¾ hours of sleep. i really wish you could buy sleep, i could use some right now. 08.25.03 revised driving on the gravel the ground swerves left the car dives into the guard rail snow pours from the air bag i rip my seat belt off, his wasn't on my best friend runs, blood seeping from his face i get him by the remaining head light clean his face, mold the fender, pick up the pieces, and take off. trying to figure out what happened, we're heading for home. once there we check the damage we reaped bruised and beaten friend, left fender destroyed such a fool, i should have gone with him to the ER injuries seemed minor, but i can't help but think the worst here i sit giving myself a headache don't know how to go on if i had killed him, love him too damn much. tragedy reveals essence, be it beauty or beast. 08.31.03 [aren't all my poems untitled?] "you're nobody. i hate you. you have no talent. no one will ever love you." these words echo through my head had they came from anyone else they wouldn't hurt quite as bad but alas, they were spoken by myself i try to hide but it's no use for wherever i go he follows with the noose round and round i go in this toilet called life i try not to drown but for him that won't suffice he won't be happy until i'm dead with his cold bloody hands carrying my severed head from here i don't know where to go but close behind me, he will follow as i search for the one i love so inside i won't feel so hollow 10.10.03 disclaimer: this and all articles are of my opinions. if you feel you may be upset while reading them, DON'T READ THEM!!      if you are a religious freak aka take every word the church spits at you for granted, leave now. since my text editor crashed last time i attempted writing this, it will most likely be more hostile especially since what i discovered near the end of writing it the last time. that would be this article. i think this gives us just cause to nuke the fuck out of vatican city. seriously, they have the power to fuck up sooo many people's lives by saying that. most of them are too stupid and will actually listen to it too. ugh, how the FUCK CAN YOU TAKE ORDERS FROM A DEAD GUY YOU CALLED THE POPE!!!! *smack* wake the fuck up people. can't you see they're using their little religion to CONTROL you and TAKE your money from you. and people say cults are bad. i've never seen a cult tell people that condoms won't stop hiv so you shouldn't use them. so back to my point, if you decide to believe in god, fine by me. but you don't need to take this shit from them and pay to use a church you don't need to worship the god you believe in.