TEKKEN COMMITTEE –1: In Which the
Committee Discusses Tekken 4
By
the anxious Saiyan Rage
“Let me guess…she’s taking too long with part
10, so she thinks making an episode in which we discuss Tekken 4 will
suffice?” Kazuya asked rhetorically. “And this is episode #-1. How the hell
does an episode go into negatives—”
Lee came up to Kazuya and whispered something to him. Kazuya’s eyes widened.
“That cursing thing from episode 9 is still in
effect? DAMMIT! This isn’t even part of that @#$%ing storyline!” he cursed,
“Hell, this is just a goddamn SIDE STORY!!! AND, it takes place BEFORE episode
9! Dammit, where’s the consistency when I need it?! …You know what? I
don’t give a rat’s ass if I get fined for each swear word!”
Lee raised a silver brow. “Uh, episode, right.” He took out a memo pad so he
could tally up the number of times Kazuya had sworn so far.
Kazuya calmed down as quickly as he could. “I have called this meeting so that
we may discuss the forthcoming Tekken game…Tekken 4. We’ve all seen the
screens from that Zaibatsu place, so let’s start discussing that. First on the
discussion is my much-anticipated return to the Tekken series, as it was soon
revealed that the seemingly ‘mystery’ Mishima was, OBVIOUSLY, me.”
“Well, I suppose if dropping him off a cliff doesn’t kill him, then tossing
him into a volcano wouldn’t hurt him that much either,” stated Michelle.
“Damn straight,” replied Kazuya.
Law raised his hand. “Uh wouldn’t your return to the Tekken series mess up
the storyline—” he started, but he was smacked by the legendary 2x4.
“Who gives a damn about the story?! Tekken 3’s had no effort put into it, so
why would there be much more in the fourth installment, huh?” replied Kazuya.
The Committee remained rather silent.
“Remember, everyone, he said that, not us!” exclaimed Yoshimitsu.
Kazuya sneered. “If you’re implying that Namco may kill me off again,
well…actually, you are probably not that far off.” Kazuya shrugged his
shoulders. “Oh well, I can always invade the Namco building again! And with C4
this time!”
“Right on!” encouraged Nina.
“Just don’t put me in a cardboard box with that guy again,” muttered Paul
as he pointed to Law with this thumb. Law sniffled.
Bryan spoke up. “You know, you really look messed up this time around.”
Kazuya shot Bryan a strange glance. “And this is coming from the vampire with
the many scars on his body.”
“Zombie. ZOMBIE! I thought we discussed this already!” cried Bryan.
“Right, zombie, whatever. Okay, so I don’t look like I normally do, but I
think it makes me look more bad-ass,” stated Kazuya.
“I would think that you would hate the fact that
your face is scarred,” said Jin.
“Hey, I’m just pretty damn grateful that I’m even IN Tekken 4,
thank you!” exclaimed Kazuya.“Besides,
there are no screens of you in there yet—hey, maybe you’re a hidden
character! HA! HA! HA! You, a hidden character! How do you like them apples?”
“Whatever,” replied Jin.
“Damn, again!” exclaimed Hwoarang.
Jun elbowed Kazuya in the side. “That’s not nice,” she warned.
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “Hey, I haven’t been a default
character since Tekken 1. I deserve to gloat.”
“Hey, according to my sources, until the mystery Mishima was revealed,
some thought that Kazuya was an unmasked Armor King,” stated Yoshimitsu.
“What?” Kazuya asked in a monotone voice.
“Well, I suppose it could throw one off…I mean, Armor King has that red
eye,” explained Yoshimitsu.
“Yeah, but my other mask has a red eye on
it too!” exclaimed King.
“Kat-zumi adds that Armor King’s skin was too dark to be Kazuya’s,
or the mystery Mishima, in this case,” translated Jun.
“Why does it have to be about skin color, huh?” demanded Bryan.
“Uh, Bryan, you have no color,” said Kazuya.
Bryan was about to rebuke Kazuya’s point, but he thought about that.
“Hey, yeah, you’re right.”
Kazuya rolled his eyes.
“What’s with that red eye, anyway?”
asked Nina.
“Dude,” Hwoarang said as he pointed to the picture of Tekken 4
Kazuya, “It glows!”
(Insert wild cheers here.)
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “What does it matter? Makes me look even
more fearsome.”
“By the way, what was with that Kaeuya thing?” asked Julia.
Kazuya cringed.
“Is he your long-lost brother?” asked Ganryu.
“Yeah, another Kazuya…that’s what we need,” muttered Lee. He immediately
flinched for the inevitable beat down.
Nothing happened.
“Hey, why didn’t Lee get owned?” asked King. “He insulted Kazuya, and he
didn’t get owned! Aw, man!” he took a swig of beer to calm his nerves.
“The reason why Lee isn’t lying on the floor unconscious is because he’s
right. We DON’T need another one of me,” answered Kazuya. “I’m all the
Kazuya anyone will ever need, thank you.”
The ladies blushed. Especially Jun.
“We don’t need one of him, period, which is why Tekken 3 was gre—” Of
course, Paul never got to finish his sentence, because he was smacked down by a
large candy bowl.
“Hell yeah!” exclaimed King. “Someone got owned!”
“Man, what’s with you wanting to see someone getting owned by Kazuya all of
a sudden?” asked Yoshimitsu.
King shrugged his shoulders. “I’m full of energy! Adrenaline’s pumping!
YEAH!” He crushed the beer can on his head.
The Committee all glared at the wrestler.
“Lee...memo…get some serious Valium for King,” Kazuya finally replied.
“All right, so what about the Kaeuya thing?” Julia asked with a hint of
impatience and annoyance in her voice.
“It was a typo made by a certain page that will be left unnamed,” Kazuya
finally answered.
“What’s really sad is that it’s a Namco page,” said Ganryu. Kazuya
smacked him with the fabled 2x4.
Kazuya sighed. “I’m gonna get my ass sued….”
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” muttered Lee. He was smacked in the head by
an ashtray.
“You need to use one anyway,” Kazuya said as an attempt to justify his
actions.
“I’m surprised you took that Kaeuya thing pretty well,” noted Nina.
Kazuya smiled sheepishly. “Look, what really matters is that I’m in the
game. Besides, they’ll get what is coming to them.”
The Committee was curious, and afraid, of what Kazuya would do to them.
“I already know I’m in it,” Paul said with confidence. Kazuya turned his
head in his general direction.
“Man, is it just me, or has Paul’s hair actually gotten a little bigger?”
asked King as he opened another can of beer. Everyone gathered around
Yoshimitsu’s laptop.
“Hey yeah, it is a little bigger!” exclaimed Julia. “I didn’t think that
was humanly possible.”
“You’d think he’d have started to lose his hair by now,” said Michelle.
“I’m just surprised Paul hasn’t suffered from any serious neck
problems,” stated Nina.
Kazuya laughed. “That would be funny as hell if during the game, just as Paul
is winning, his neck goes out, automatically killing him for the whole
battle.”
The Committee snickered, except for Paul, who was obviously offended, and Lei,
who was asleep.
Paul glared at Law. “Well…at least I’m in it!”
Law gave Paul a puzzled look. “Huh?”
Paul smirked. “Yup! Turns out the only Law that’s making an appearance is
MARSHALL Law, and not you!”
Law’s lower lip trembled. “That’s…not fair…”
“Don’t feel so bad, Law,” said Michelle. “I
bet you would be in it, if Paul hadn’t dragged you out to the third one
without your dad’s permission.” The instant Paul’s name came out of her
lips, she gave him a nasty glare.
“Man, what the hell is with everyone getting on my case today?” asked Paul.
He was then smacked upside his head by a Tekken Tag strategy book (Prima or
Versus Books, take your pick).
“Because nobody likes you,” reminded Kazuya.
Paul rubbed the back of his head. “… I’m deeply hurt…”
Kazuya ignored him, and got a good look at the screen. “Since we’re kinda on
the subject of hair…Hwoarang, what’s with yours?” Kazuya looked at
Hwoarang, who just stared blankly at a wall.
Hwoarang shook his stoned state out of his system, and stared at Kazuya.
“Huh?”
“Looks like you dyed it magenta, but you missed
the roots because they’re black,” explained Nina.
“So, like, you mean Hwoarang’s hair isn’t naturally red?”
asked Ling.
The Committee just stared at Ling.
“Dude, what did they do?” Hwoarang walked up to the computer. His blunt fell
out of his mouth. “Hey, what the hell? I look like a girl!”
“As if you didn’t look like one already,” muttered Jin. Hwoarang walked up
to Jin.
“Dude, I’ve had enough of your attitude!” He kicked Jin in the stomach.
Jin clutched his stomach. “Okay, that’s it, you asked for it, bastard!” He
punched Hwoarang in the gut.
“Hell yeah! This is MY kinda fight! People, place your bets!” exclaimed
Nina.
“I got 50 on Bob!” declared Bryan.
“I’m placing a hundred on Hwoarang,” replied Kazuya.
“Dad!” exclaimed Jin.
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “What, I can’t bet against you?”
“I’m placing thirty on Jin!” exclaimed Julia.
The crowd became excited as Hwoarang and Jin exchanged blows. Jun tapped Kazuya
on his shoulder.
“I hope you plan on putting a stop to this,” she said.
Kazuya smirked rather weakly. “Gee, I’d really like to, but this is a matter
of honor and some bullshit like that.”
Jun shook her head. “Then I’ll put a stop to this.” She walked up to the
two boys, and grabbed them by their ears.
“Ow, ow, ow,” the boys winced.
“Hwoarang, don’t let me catch you fighting my boy like that again. And Jin,
shame on you! You know better than to pick on others, and wherever did you pick
up that kind of language anyway?” asked Jun.
Kazuya whistled.
“Hey, I won!” exclaimed Michelle. “Pay up!”
The betting members groaned as they all handed Michelle their money.
“You bet on Jun?” Lee asked.
Michelle nodded. “They didn’t think she would jump in, but I knew, OH
YES.” She then laughed rather manically, and Lee hid himself behind Kazuya.
“Like, am I in it?” asked Ling as she put on some flavored lip-gloss.
“You sure are,” replied Yoshimitsu.
“Like, let me see.” Ling walked up to the laptop, but when she saw her
picture, she gasped.
“Like, what did they do to my teeth? Oh God, I may never show my face in
school again!” she cried.
“Braces really do wonders,” reminded Paul.
“Like, shut up!” Ling cried. “If they, like, don’t give me a yellow
ribbon, I’ll…I’ll…GOD!” she slumped into her chair.
Kazuya raised an eyebrow. “Uh…right.”
King looked at the laptop. “Hey…I’ve changed…not at all! But am I
supposed to be wearing a cape in that picture?”
Nina inspected the picture. “I think so. Who knows? All I know is, if I’m
not in it, its f, f+3 for Namco.”
Paul immediately covered his crotch area, while the men in the Committee let out
a wince, except for Lei, who was…still asleep.
“Damn, I wouldn’t even wish that on my own father,” said Kazuya. The
Committee glared at him. “What? I really wouldn’t, because I bet he’s so
impotent, there’s nothing worth kicking anyway, you know?”
“Could have gone without hearing that one,” remarked Michelle.
“Hey, isn’t there going to be a new guy in Tekken?” asked King as he
opened up another beer.
Kazuya nodded. “Indeed there is.”
Anna fixed her hair. “I hope he’s cute.”
Nina let out a snicker. “He’d want nothing to do with the likes of you.”
“Says you, bitch,” replied Anna.
Nina stood up, and got in Anna’s face. “Who you calling a bitch, ho?”
“OOOOOOOH,” said Bryan.
Anna stood up, and got in Nina’s face. “You, bitch.”
“OOOOOOOH,” said Ganryu.
“Hey, don’t copy me,” warned Bryan.
“What are you going to do about it?” asked Ganryu.
Bryan grinned, and kneed Ganryu in the stomach. Ganryu, who was unfazed by the
attack, responded with his sumo slaps, which actually had some effect on Bryan.
(“Funny,” Kazuya said in the midst of the fight, “Tanks don’t faze him,
but physical attacks do. Namco is simply genius when it comes to
consistency.”)
Nina stomped on the ground. “Hey, dumb-asses! We’re trying to fight here!”
She then came up to the two of them, and used her f, f+3 attack on them. Ganryu
was curled up on the ground, holding his groin in pain after he was struck.
Bryan grabbed his crotch too, but he suddenly got a puzzled look on his face,
and stood there.
“Hey, that’s not as painful as you guys made it out to be,” he complained.
Kazuya shuddered. “Alright,” he finally said, “Let me get the new guy in
here.”
“Wow! You managed to get him to come to our meeting?” asked Julia.
“No; actually, he’s been sitting out there for a while, and he looks like he
needs something to do,” answered Kazuya. “Besides, the sooner he gets out of
the building, the better.”
He opened the door, and motioned for whomever it was that was waiting outside to
enter. Kazuya stepped back inside, followed by a man with medium-length blonde
hair that was slicked back in a style similar to—
“Like, Andy Bogard is gonna be in Tekken? Is that, like, legal?” asked Ling.
“You’ll have to forgive her,” apologized Jun.
“Yeah, she’s not the brightest bulb of the Committee,” added Hwoarang.
“Like, you’re all so mean,” said Ling.
“So, what’s your name?” Anna asked in a seductive voice.
The new guy noticed that she was flirting with him, so he put on a rather
fleeting smile. “The name’s Dean. Dean Earwicker.”
A sudden silence fell on the Committee.
Bryan clasped both hands over his mouth. Lee’s cigarette fell from his mouth.
Nina’s knife fell from her hands. King spilled his beer. Michelle stopped
polishing her axe. Yoshimitsu looked up from his laptop, jaw wide open.
Kat-zumi’s ears perked up. Kazuya was in a state of shock. Lei was…still
asleep.
Jun knew what she had to do. “So…Dean, could you tell us about yourself?”
Dean shrugged his shoulders. “I really can’t say.”
“And, uh, why is that?” Jun asked.
“Because Namco didn’t give me a profile yet. I came here because I heard you
gave that Unknown girl an identity, so I figured you could give me one too.”
Kazuya glared at Dean. “Hell no.”
Dean was taken aback. “But why not?”
Kazuya sneered. “You have to wait for your profile
just like the rest of us did!”
Dean’s face fell. “But, but…” He sighed. “Fine. I thought I could get
help from you lot, but I guess I was wrong!” He then turned around, and
stormed out of the room.
Bryan burst with laughter. “OH MY GOD,” he exclaimed, “I think this guy is
more gay than Lee!”
Lee chewed on his cigarette a bit. “I’m not so sure whether to take that as
a compliment or an insult.”
“Purr, meow, meow,” suggested Kat-zumi.
“Take it as you feel you should take it,” Jun translated.
Lee shrugged his shoulders.
“A profile is the last thing that guy needs,” said Kazuya. “If I were him,
I’d go up to the Namco building and kick their asses for coming up with such a
crappy name.”
“Man, that was a waste of two minutes,” complained Nina.
“You’re telling me,” concurred Lee.
“Hey, get a load of this,” announced Yoshimitsu. “More information just
came in.”
The Committee (except Lei) gathered around. There was silence for a few minutes.
“Uh, aren’t you going to read it to us?” asked Nina.
“Huh?” said Yoshimitsu. “I thought you were all reading over my
shoulder.”
“That’s too much effort,” shrugged King.
Yoshimitsu glared at King. “You’re sitting right next to me.” He sighed.
“Alright, I’ll read it out loud.” He cleared his throat.
“Okay, according to this, Tekken 4 is a direct sequel to Tekken 3—”
“Like, Duh,” said Ling.
“—it takes place 2 years after Tekken 3, and there will be no tagging like
there was in Tekken Tag—”
“Like, duh again,” replied Ling.
“—And one of the new features that will be in it are walls.”
“Like, huh?” asked Ling.
“Wait, what?” Kazuya asked.
“This could be good, this could be bad,” said Jun. “Who’s to know?”
“Well, if one of the benefits of having a wall is smashing Paul’s face
against it repeatedly, then I’m all for it,” shrugged Kazuya.
“That’s not funny,” replied Paul.
“Those Namco folks had better know what they are doing,” said Bryan.
“They’re doing something right, since I’m in it,” stated Kazuya.
“Well, for their sakes, I had better be in it too,” Nina said as she pulled
out her gatling gun.
“Same for me!” exclaimed Julia as she cracked her knuckles. “Or I’m
gonna go Mad Axes on some Namco ass.”
Jin’s eyes widened. “Damn, Julia, I’ve never heard you talk like that
before.”
Julia shrugged her shoulders. “I guess hanging around this Committee every
week for the past few months has had some influence on me.”
“Yeah, well, meeting’s adjourned, for now,” declared Kazuya.
“For now?” Bryan inquired.
“Well, yeah…there’s going to be more Tekken 4 information for us to
discuss,” replied Kazuya.
“Cool. I damn well better be in it,” muttered Bryan as he left.
“What is it with everyone wanting to be in Tekken 4? Just because I’m in
it…” Kazuya rolled his eyes and shook his head.
Law was in low spirits as he left. Michelle approached him.
“Hey, you wanna go shopping or something?That usually cheers me up,” suggested Michelle.
“Okay,” Law agreed.
“We can go for ice cream afterwards if you’re still feeling badly,”
Michelle added with a grin. She then turned to Paul and brandished one of her
axes at him.Paul slowed his pace
down, and Lee flinched again, even though the axe warning wasn’t directed
towards him.
“Well, another meeting done and gone,” declared Kazuya.
“Indeed,” Lee said as he tried not to think about Michelle’s axes and the
mysterious room she had at her house.
“I say we go celebrate my return to Tekken. Oh damn! King just left. We better
catch up to him,” said Kazuya as he grabbed his trench coat.
“Uh, did you know Lei is still in here?” asked Lee as he pointed to the
Super Cop.
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders. “Big deal. He can lock the door on his way
out.”
Lee shrugged his shoulders as well, and turned off the light and closed the door
as he and Kazuya left the meeting room.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM KAZUYA MISHIMA
“This is a tad unusual, seeing a Tekken Committee story being written so fast.
Then again, Saiyan-Lady claims the jokes and ideas were practically handed to
her, so no harm in that, I suppose.
“This episode was okay, I think…there were strange moments, such as King’s
all-out strange adrenaline rush, and the noted lack of consistency, as my
swearing ban was still in effect despite the fact that this episode takes place
before part 9, where it came into effect. Jin and Hwoarang’s play on the
Nina/Anna catfights was funny as hell, though, and Nina jumping in on Bryan and
Ganryu’s fight was something else. But, just what is with that Dean Earwicker
guy? He really does need a name change. But hey, if it leads the way for more
jokes, then that’s all good.
“Also, it must be noted that Saiyan Rage had taken a slightly old-school
approach…Ling doing that air-headed thing that she naturally does, and her
obsession with the yellow ribbon; Michelle’s axe-murderer tendencies; and of
course, the return of the 2x4.
“I suppose that is all for now. Hopefully Namco can hurry up with releasing
more information, as I am curious to see what the Committee has to say about it.
Until Next Time…”
NEXT EPISODE: Uh...the Committee continues with their discussions about Tekken
4! More characters will be revealed! Who will be happy that they are back? Who
is going to lead an invasion to Namco HQ? Will Kazuya continue to brag about how
he is in Tekken 4? Will Nina and Anna get into a fight without interruptions?
Will they make more fun of Dean Earwicker? More importantly, will Lei actually
wake up? Tune in next time for TEKKEN COMMITTEE -2: Even More on Tekken 4(hey,
that’s rhymes)!
(Psst…Kazuya’s total swearing fines for this
episode: $360)
Kazuya sneered. “Damnit...”
($380)
“That’s not funny,” Kazuya said.
($400)
“I didn’t cuss that time!” exclaimed Kazuya.
(I’m just screwing with you.)
Kazuya folded his arms. “Bastard.”
(Okay, now it’s $400.)
Kazuya let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m going to hand each and every one of
the members of the Language Board their asssssumptions.”
