"Screw this, I'm going to work." He then proceeds to the nearest interstate to get himself a taxi.

He looks at his watch while shifting his other hand with his briefcase, "Shit, I'm going to be late to the office if this damn taxi doesn't show up soon." He gazes at the empty interstate and sees a tumbleweed roll by, then he frowns in disgust thinking of missing his coffee break for the first time in 9 years. "Damn..."

*2 weeks later...Sephiroth is still standing alongside the interstate when a taxi finally pulls up*

"Geez, what took you so damn long?"  Sephiroth says as he takes a seat inside of the taxi cab, setting his briefcase next to him in the backseat.  The driver of the cab mumbles something unintelligible from the driver's seat, such that Sephiroth has no idea what he is saying.  Frowning at the cab driver's mumblings, Sephiroth leans back against the seat, looking up at the ceiling of the vehicle, now coated in wads of chewed bubblegum and various other oddities, trying to relax as the cab pulled away from the curb.

Slowly the cab pulls away from the curb and begins its journey down the mostly abandoned interstate, leaving behind the battle ensuing between the members of AVALANCHE and the WEAPON.  'Screw that, I'm not getting myself killed...I still have a long line of paperwork ahead of me and a fine career as a videogame villian!'  From his briefcase Sephiroth pulls out the latest issue of the Shinra Times and flips through the pages, looking over the latest happenings in the stock market.  A slight frown crossing his face, he sees that the value of mako had dropped two points within the last week, and materia had dropped one point.

The taxi tore down the empty interstate at a swift 145 miles per hour, the blaze of desert about Cosmo Canyon disappearing in a blur of colors, accompanied by the irritated grunts of the cab driver, who was mumbling incoherently over some matter.  Sephiroth really didn't pay much attention to the foreign cab driver's rantings; he couldn't understand the man to begin with, who obviously wasn't able to speak much English anyway.  "Alishiba!!!"  Suddenly the cab driver slammed the brakes, narrowly missing the tail end of a semi that had just made the turnoff onto the now busying highway; the sudden force rocketing Sephiroth forward against his seatbelt, sending his head clean through the middle of his paper.

"What the hell was that about!?"  He shouted at the cab driver, who had now sped up again, passing the offending semi and screaming odd curses out the open window, completely ignoring Sephiroth's dismay.  'Damn foreign cab drivers,' He thought angrily, 'can't the damn taxi service hire halfway decent drivers that happen to be from the same country?'  Sephiroth glared angrily at the back of the taxi driver's head, which was covered by a neon pink turbin, nearly flying off the cab driver's head as he continued to shout foreign obscenities out the window.

'Ruined my damn paper too,'  With another angry glare, Sephiroth pulled the paper over his head, and looked at the large hole in the center of it in disgust.  Mumbling under his breath at the cab driver, he flips through the torn pages, trying to see if he can still read at least some of the late news without further disturbance.  Which surprisingly, the rest of the ride went rather smoothly, allowing him to read the rest of his paper in peace as the taxi chugged down the highway, the front fender dragging along from the previous encounter with the semi, sparks shooting from it as it went.  'Finally, peace at last...'

*foreign music squeals from the radio accompanied by various horns and bells ringing in some horrid attempt at music*

"What the f***!?"  Sephiroth stares stupidly at the cab driver who is now singing in tune with the odd music, which is making Sephiroth's ears ache.  "Turn that down!  I'm trying to concentrate here!"

"Ali?  Shicada jaban tali!!!"  The driver shouted back, then continuing on with his horrid singing, which sounded more like the howls of a dying Nibelwolf than anything else.  This only further irritated Sephiroth, who pulled his hat over his ears in a desperate attempt to block out the ear-splitting sounds of foreign folk tunes.

Pulling the paper up close, Sephiroth tried to focus upon reading the International News, but to no avail, the turbin-wearing cab driver's singing was simply too much for his sensitive ears to bear any longer.  A moment more under such conditions and he felt that he would go mad, but he tried his best to control himself and ignore the screeching chants blaring from the radio.  It was a hard task, but he had to focus as he was trained to, he could still remember Professor Hojo's speech back long ago; when he spoke to him of the value of patience and tolerance when he was but eight years old.

*Flashback, Shinra Labs.  Hojo stands before an eight year old Sephiroth.*

"Remember Sephiroth, a patient man always makes the finest SOLDIER..."

"Why?"

"Because, patience is a virtue, especially to those fighting a battle, and who must choose where their loyalties lie..."

"Why?"

"Because people are corrupted by watching too many soap operas, talk shows, and other mindless television programs."

"Why?"

"Television is the devil that's why."

"Why?"

"It represents the worst of humanity, all of our flaws presented on the screen of that acursed box."

"Why?"

"It was made that way to make the human race realize how stupid they actually are."

"Why?"

"Shut up you stupid brat!  You're going to end up rotting in Hell for asking so many dumb questions!"

*End flashback*

Ah, Hojo, the man was rather smart, but a bit on the insane side too, oh well...he supposed that it had to happen sooner or later.

Brushing off these past memories he gazed at his ruined paper, trying to ignore the driver's nasal way of singing, which was growing rather irritating and threatening to shatter his eardrums.  In growing irritation, he flipped to the front page of the destroyed newspaper, moving the fringes of the torn script together, in a futile attempt to read what had been ripped.  After a few minutes of horrid, foreign folk tunes, and effort to piece the script back together, he finally formed what was once stated as the main headline of the paper, finally readable again.  Eagerly he read the main headline that read:

WANTED:  DEAD OR ALIVE

OSAMA BIN LADEN, FOR THE HORRID TRAGEDY HE CONCOCTED UPON THE WORLD TRADE CENTER ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001.

REWARD:  5 MILLION DOLLARS(GIL) FOR THE MAN THAT CAN BRING HIM TO THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT FOR PROSECUTION.  HIS WHERE-ABOUTS ARE CURRENTLY UNKNOWN.

STATED:  ONE OF THE MOST EVIL MEN ALIVE, SURPASSING ALL OTHER VILLIANS BEFORE HIM.

For a few moments Sephiroth stared blankly at the paper, reading the headline over and over again, making sure that he had read correctly.  Seeing that he had read correctly, Sephiroth threw the paper back into his briefcase, slamming it shut.  "What the Hell!?  Him the most evil villian ever?!  What the f*** were they smoking?!  I'm obviously the most evil villian ever to have graced this pathetic ball o' shit that they call a Planet!  I'm going to kill that bastard and show him who means business!  Then I'll be the most evil villian ever!"

For an entire hour Sephiroth sat stewing in the back seat of the crappy taxi, the foreign folk tunes no longer bothering him, since his mind was schemeing on what he was going to do to reclaim his title.  Sitting deep in thought he gazed out the dirty window, watching the landscape go shooting by in a blur of colors as the cab raced down the now busy interstate, at obviously higher than legal speeds.  During the time the turbin-wearing cab driver sang in tune with the blaring radio, his song only interrupted when he was cut off by slower moving vehicles, which he promptly responded to by shoving his head out of the window and screaming, waving his middle finger about in the air.  It was a wonder that they hadn't wrecked yet, since this cab driver was obviously not concerned with driving safely, and was more concerned with his folk songs and cursing his fellow drivers.  Who in turn got pissed off and saluted them with their own middle fingers and curses, and with a careless ram into the taxi from their vehicles.

So within that hour, the taxi was in such a mess, it could hardly be recognized as a cab anymore, as it crept along the road, now going a speedy 15 miles per hour, the other cars zooming by, several other drivers pointing out their windows and laughing as they did.  One of the tires had gone flat 5 miles back and was barely holding the cab up from driving on the rim, as sparks shot out everywhere in the vehicles' wake; the front bumper had fallen off a ways back, and the back bumper was barely hanging in, a single bolt the only thing still holding it into place;  the body of the taxi so badly dented, that one of the rightside doors was crushed shut, and all of the paint had chipped off revealing a cab the color of brown/yellow, which was rather sickening to look upon;  one of the headlights hung out, and what was once a stop sign lay imbedded in the crumpled trunk, which gave the taxi a rather ghetto look.  All the while the taxi driver seemed perfectly fine with this, content that he had his folk tunes to listen to and some means of transportation to get him where he was going.  Sephiroth meanwhile, wasn't having the best of times.

After an hour of driving like this, the taxi driver finally pulled over on the side of the road, turning the engine off and kicking open his door and stepping outside.  Questioningly Sephiroth looked up from one of his many documents at the evacuating driver who stood outside in his pink turbin mumbling inaudiable things.  Kicking open his own door Sephiroth stepped outside too, watching the man scurry about the taxi, touching it and whispering to the crumbled vehicle.  Trying to gain notice from the other man, Sephiroth coughed, but failed to gain the other's attention.

"Uh-um, what are you doing?"

"Caban li tai lo nozia taxee!"

"Excuse me, but could you.....SPEAK FREAKIN' ENGLISH!"  Sephiroth shouted as he picked up the frightened man by the collar of his dirty shirt.

"!!!  Alibaba!  Mi tailo kaze mo shitomo tali!"  The man uttered in fear, at last managing to speak a few words in english, "Me fix taxi!!!  Jus' need a lil' smack, it be a ok!  Ye have ma werd sir!"

Unamused Sephiroth dropped the man, his neon pink turbin rolling off over a nearby hill, which the man quickly gave chase to; but unfortunately the odd head adornment was caught by a wild chocobo who was giving the foreign cab driver a run for his money.  In irritation Sephiroth punched the side of the taxi, forming a large dent in it's already badly beatup side, shaking the broken down automobile, which spewed out a strewn of oil in response.  "Dammit, I'm going to be late to work for sure now!"  A muffled sound came from the crumbled trunk, as a scurrying sound could be heard as something shifted about in the trunk, obviously in reaction to the sudden blow that Sephiroth had laid upon the vehicle.

Curious as to what this could possibly be, Sephiroth made his way to the crumpled trunk and with both hands easily tore the thin sheet of metal off and tossed it aside; which slammed into the side of a nearby mini-van, tearing it open and spilling the 20 prisoners it was transporting onto the highway, where they were promptly runover by rush-hour traffic.  "Oops..."  Turning away from the scene of carnage that he had caused along the highway and back to the trunk of the taxi, he was surprised to find a person squished within the confines of the crumpled compartment, uttering prayers as he tore them out.  The man he pulled out squealled in response, kicking his feet, his dirty white turbin covered in oil and gasoline, as well as his bearded face.  'Disgusting', Sephiroth thought as he held the man by the back of his shirt collar, who was still praying, tears running down his dirty face as he cried like a newly born infant, wailing as big fat tears rolled down his face.

"Stop crying like some bitch and look at me and face me like a man!"  Sephiroth shook the other man, who yelped in response, gazing up at him with big frightened eyes.  Then Sephiroth finally realized who it was that he had found, and an evil gleam lit his eyes, as a thin smile crossed his face.  "So, you're the Osama Bin Laden Bitch that I've heard and read so much about, you don't seem like any evil villian to  me, more like a screaming little school girl."  The smile upon Sephiroth's face spread as he saw the other man's reaction of sheer terror at the mention of his name.  "Well, you pathetic weakling, it's time for you to meet your own personal Hell."  At these words Sephiroth unsheathed the masamune, and pressed it against the other man's throat.

"I'm not Osama, honest!  Me no speak english!"  The man fell into a fit of speaking gibberish in a vain attempt to save his own miserable life, though Sephiroth wasn't convinced one bit by the little act.

"Coward, you deserve to die, just for being such a sissy and such a damn stupid pansy!"

"If you want money I can give you all of the money that you want!"

"I don't want money you loser, if I wanted money I would just rob a freakin' bank, what I want is my title back, since you're obviously undeserving of it."

"I'll do anything, just please don't kill me kind sir!"

"Anything?"

"Yes, by Ala I swore it!"

"Ok...then........die!"  Sephiroth chopped off the other man's head, which went rolling along the grassy knoll as he dropped the lifeless corpse.  "Gross, I got terrorist on my brand new suit!  Stupid pansy!"  Brushing off his suit as best he could, Sephiroth picked up a plastic Smith's bag alongside the road and walked over to the severed head, which he picked up by the turbin and placed inside, tying it off tightly so that the terrible stench wouldn't be let out.  "Can't they at least wash once a month?  Stinking terrorist...eww.....literally."  Pinching his nose, Sephiroth carried off the Smith's bag containing the terrorist's head and his briefcase, as he stood alongside the road, placing the objects on the ground and holding out his thumb to hitch hike.

Ch. 2: Road Trip