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LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES B. Lindman has suggested that I review current movies in this site. With his infinite wisdom, he also suggested that I rate each movie according to the bug scale.

"THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT" This movie has to be the flea of horror movies. Detailed reasons of why I feel this way have been given in the article below, "The Blah Witch Project." AMERICAN BEAUTY, This movie freaked me out. It was so beautiful, but creepy. Kind of like one of those blow-flies or jar-bugs. BEING JOHN MALCOVICH, It was strange. I bet it was still in a larval stage. "AUSTIN POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME" It grooved so well, baby! A walking stick, cause it is lean and mean and silly. "THE SIXTH SENSE" Ewww..spooky. Like one of those death-head moths. "STUART LITTLE" Very cute..not lots of plot, but lots of fun. A ladybug among movies. "THE TALENT MR. RIPLEY" Beautiful people, shivvers, a traveloge and great jazz. I give it two praying mantis. "SLEEPY HOLLOW" Beautiful to look at if you don't mind the gore and some strange humor. Certainly a butterfly. "THE MUMMY" Lots of fun for people who do not take their films too seriously. A big scarab! "HAPPY, TEXAS" An elusive movie that is very funny! It did not play in many places around here. Therefore it is the rare luna moth among films. "THE GREEN MILE" This movie is so far-sweeping and symbolic that I believe it parallels the "Old Testament." The acting was great. A rare bumblebee. "POKEMON" Can you believe that I did not see this film? As one who talks incessantly about the Pokemon I must be enlightened. Therefore, it is vital that people in the know take the following poll...

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THE BLAH WITCH PROJECT In August of 1999 Blindman and The Princess disappeared into the Regal Cinema. Eighty-two minutes later, no entertainment was found. The Blair Witch Projectis like a bad episode of MTV's "Real World," set in a haunted woods. Such shrill ear piercing screaming and mindless quarreling can be found in any Boone dormitory or apartment complex. You don't have to pay $7.50 to listen to it for an hour and a half and you can get satisfaction from pressing your face up to the glass when the police show up. We have more sympathy and connectins to the cast of most TV commercials that with the cast of this film. The Blair Witch Projectis missing certain elements that lead to cinematic success. These oversites include a clear concept, plot, background, music, foreshadowing, costumes and cinematography. Most kids know how to use the focus button on their parents' camcorders. The film students in this movie must have been too busy running from those muffeled sounds to keep the camera steady. They took enough batteries into the woods to run a 16mm camera, a Hi8 video camera and a DAT recorder for five days and nights. Yet, they somehow managed to forget a tripod. The resulting footage is an exercise in motion sickness. If you can not tell by now, we think the movie is really lame. Then we come to the plot and characters, or lack of execution of what could have been a good theme. Heather reminded The Princess of every screetching roomate with whom she has ever lived. Blindman rooted for whatever was chasing them. We still have no idea what it was. It was probably something highly symbolic of the primordial fear rooted deep within the human consciousnes and brought out in extreme circumstances. We have been more frightned crossing the street in Boone. (See Blindman's "Hey, I'm Walking Here!" in previous edition of "The Paper." The reader may be thinking, "Well, Blindman and The Princess sound like two noncultured slobs only out for a cheap thrill." While this is true, we can recognize a fine movie. Waking Ned Devine and Pecker are both wonderful semi- or independent films with talented writers and good casts. They even managed to think up endings for when the movie was over. _BY BLINDMAN AND ME ...

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