What is short, helpless, and wears red lederhosen?
I don't know, but I thought I heard a gnome before I opened the door.

What is short, says 'kewl', and wears red lederhosen?- A crossdressing gnome.

What is short, sphere-shaped, and wears red lederhosen?- A gnome who ventured too near the lake (if you dont get this one, think about what gnomes do best).

What is short, has 4 legs, and wears red lederhosen? A gnome stuck head first in a giants mouth.

What is short, spins round and round and round, and wears red lederhosen? A gnome too lost to step off the spinner.

What is short, says 'please save us', and wears 30 pairs of red lederhosen? A party of gnomes on the way to the market.

What flies through the air, screems 'helllppp meeeeeeeeee', and wears red lederhosen? The football in a ogre's pick up game as it goes through the uprights.

How can you tell if you've been raped by a gnome? Your bellybutton is sore.

An intelligent gnome and Santa jump out of a burning building from 30 floors up. Which one survives? Well, it must be Santa, there is no such thing as an intelligent gnome.

Why do gnomes wash their hair in the sink? Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why is it okay for gnomes to catch cold? Tey don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

How did the gnome explain how his helicopter crashed? He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan.

Why did the gnome quit his job as a restroom attendant? He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer.

How can you tell if a gnome has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds.

What's the advantage of being married to a gnome? You can park in handicapped zones.

What happened to the gnome tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain.

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the gnome? It is the one with the kickstand.

What do you call an all-gnome skydiving team? A new version of the Lawn Darts game.

Where do you look for gnomes' obituaries? Under "Home Improvements."

Why did the gnome take his new scarf back to the store? It was too tight.

Why are gnomes always late?
They forget how to open the door.

What can you expect when a gnome skydives?
Gnome-cakes.

How many gnomes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they don't know how.

What's the difference between a retarded gnome and a genius gnome?
Nothing.

If you find an intelligent gnome, what do you do with it?
Correctly identify it.

Why can't gnomes ever find any ants in an ant hill?
The ants are too smart.

If a gnome gets killed, who pays his funeral bill?
No one, he's so short no one knew he was alive in the first place.

Whats the difference between a rat and a gnome?
People like rats better.

How can you tell if a gnome's been eating your gingerbread men?
All the knees are nibbled on.

How can you tell when a Gnome has been weeding you garden?
You can't. It doesn't have the strength to pull any weeds out, or the intelligence to get someone/something else to help them.

What's the difference between a slave and a gnome?
The Gnome is still annoying even when it shuts up.

What is 2 feet tall, wears red lederhosen, and can bench press 5 pounds at most?
A gnome on steroids.

What kind of music does a gnome listen to?
Any kind of classical you can do ballet to while wearing red lederhosen.

Wasn't there a show on Nick Jr. about 2-inch gnomes with noses bigger than the trees they lived in?

What is the only visible type of gnome (besides the ones that accumulate on the bottoms of your shoes)?
A giant gnome who had hormone injections.

Why are gnomes better than shrimp?
Because they're spineless!

Hear about the gnome that had an arse-hole transplant?
The arse-hole rejected it.

What is short, has a high pitched fading scream, and wears red lederhosen? A gnome being tossed into the wishing well.
What are short, bob in milk, and wear red lederhosen? Gnomes, breakfast of champions.

What goes "bam-'OUCH!'-bam-'OUCH!'-bam-'OUCH!'" and wears red lederhosen? A gnomish door knocker.

What is red, smooth, and used to wear red lederhosen? A gnome in a blender on puree.

What do you call a gnome with a degree in Computer Science ?
A liar.