THE ULTIMATE ONLINE COMMONPLACE BOOK
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SPOILER ALERT!
If you have not yet completed the puzzles, this site will hold
the puzzle answers...
NOTE: CONTENT CAN BE ACCESSED FROM:
THENAMELESSNOVEL.COM
July 10 2005
“Sometimes the information you need is not in the most obvious place.”
–Lemony Snicket
July 11 2005
REMINDER: Begin commonplace book today.
“I waited weeks and weeks for him to return. I read books in Dr. Montgomery’s
library, and started a commonplace book of my own. At first it was difficult
to find any information on V.F.D., but I took notes on anything I could find.”
– Quigley Quagmire
July 12 2005
**Contained ASOUE Screensaver**
July 13 2005
Shopping List
Needed for Pasta Puttanesca
3/8 cup extremely virgin olive oil
3 barely medium-sized cloves of garlic
2 ½ pinches of dried red chili pepper flakes
1 woodsman’s handful of black olives
5 anchovy fillets
½ thimble of dried oregano
1 bunch of fresh parsley
1 ½ pounds of unrotten tomatoes
2 youngster palmfuls of capers, squeezed tightly to drain
July 14 2005
**Contained audio clip as follows**
"Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire were intelligent children,
and they were charming and resourceful and had pleasant facial features
but they were extremely unlucky and most everything that happened to them
was rife with misfortune, misery and despair. I’m sorry to tell you this,
but that is how the story goes." - SEE BOOK THE FIRST (THE BAD BEGINNING) CHAPTER 1
July 15 2005
Be patient is a phrase which here means “an important message is expected
to arrive from far away on July 27.”
July 16 2005
**IMAGE SEE THE MISERABLE MILL - PICTURE OF SIR**
Caption: SIR, Owner of Lucky Smells Lumbermill
July 17 2005
“Remember, when we lived with the Squalors, we thought we had
solved the V.F.D. mystery, but we were wrong.”
– Klaus Baudelaire
July 18 2005
**IMAGE SEE THE WIDE WINDOW - AUNT JO'S DEATH IN LAKE LACHRYMOSE**
“Those who cannot catalog the past are condemned to repeat it.”
– Unknown volunteer
July 19 2005
Supplies required in order to tie the Devil’s Tongue:
Length of rope
Two Hands
July 20 2005
Note the bowl of fruit.
“The room in which they found themselves was the dirtiest they
had ever seen, and a little bit of mud from outdoors wouldn’t have
made a bit of difference. Even by the dim light of the one bare
lightbulb that hung from the ceiling, the three children could
see that everything in this room was filthy, from the stuffed head of
a lion which was nailed to the wall to the bowl of apple cores
which sat on a small wooden table.”
— THE BAD BEGINNING
July 21 2005
Six days until the first piece of important evidence…
“Waiting is one of life’s hardships. It is hard enough to wait
for chocolate cream pie while burnt roast beef is still on your
plate. It is plenty difficult to wait for Halloween when the tedious
month of September is still ahead of you.”
— Lemony Snicket
July 22 2005
Village of Fowl Devotees Rule #39:
It is illegal to make anything out of crow feathers.
Village of Fowl Devotees Rule #201:
No murdering.
Village of Fowl Devotees Rule #961:
The Council of Elders’ hot fudge sundaes cannot have more than
fifteen pieces of nuts each.
July 23 2005
The Great Chicago Fire of 1871 was started by a cow that kicked over
a lantern in Mrs. O’Leary’s barn.
July 24 2005
**IMAGE SEE PG 149 OF THE UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY- PICTURE OF A COW**
“I was ready to embark on Phase Two, and disguised myself accordingly:”
July 25 2005
A downloadable poster may be the perfect thing to hide the
entrance to the tunnel you are digging.
downloadable poster.
July 26 2005
“Now comes the mystery.”
- The last words spoken by Henry Ward Beecher, March 8, 1887
JULY 27 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
This coded document was found, sent, burned, buried, or otherwise transmitted.
The Volunteer Training manual suggests that in certain coded letters,
certain letters may be uncertain. Insert these letters in the blanks
at bottom to decode an important secret message.
TO BE DELIVERED JULY 27, 2005
and not a moment before!
TO: The Editor
FROM: Mme. Ladfern
SUBJECT: Book the TwelFth by Lemony Snicket
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir,
My associates have infoRmed me of your desire to lOcate an
iMportant piece of informaTion regarding tHe latest reseArch
conducted by Lemony Snicket.
I need not Tell you how distresSing I find this situAtion;
I’m sure you remember the seconD to last time we met for teA. As my
Gracious sistEr said, “Of course artificial sweeteNer is unaccEptable!”
Mr. Snicket’S work hAs always been Drab and Problematic,
and it always will be.
You should probAbly look for somethinG else.
REgards,
Mme. Dalfern
SECRET MESSAGE = FROM THAT SAD AGE ONE SAD PAGE
JULY 28 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
He is plagued by a terrible cough.
In the words of Mr. Snicket, he “meant well, but a jar of mustard
probably also means well and would do a better job of keeping the
Baudelaires out of danger.”
He is the Vice President of Orphan Affairs at Mulctuary
Money Management.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
MR.POE
July 29 2005
Some tragedies begin with a trolley ride.
Others end with a train.
July 30 2005
**Contained audio clip as follows**
"Are you familiar with the Latin term In Loco Parentis?"
Violet and Sunny looked at Klaus, the biggest reader of the three.
He was the most likely to know vocabulary words and foreign phrases.
"Something about trains?"
Maybe Mr.Poe was going to take them by train to another relative.
Mr.Poe shook his head.
"In Loco Parentis means acting in the role of parent.
It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf."
-FROM THE BAD BEGINNING.
JULY 31 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT meaning for each word or expression.
1. pandemonium
-a drug given to panda bears **INCORRECT**
-actors and stagehands running around attending to last-minute details
2. misnomer
-a very wrong name
-a poisonous chemical compound **INCORRECT**
3. brummagem
-fake
-an elaborately dressed European monster **INCORRECT**
4. hackneyed
-used by so, so many writers that by the time Lemony Snicket uses it, it is a tiresome cliché
-used by so, so many Lemony Snickets that by the time a writer uses it, it is a tiresome cliché **INCORRECT**
5. rickety
-having the qualities of someone named Rick, or in some rare cases, Ricket **INCORRECT**
-unsteady
6. red herring
-a distracting and misleading clue
-a fish commonly found in the Pacific Ocean **INCORRECT**
7. Fata morgana
-when your eyes play tricks on you, particularly in hot weather
-a condition of the liver **INCORRECT**
8. intimidated
-made skittish by three older women wearing crow-shaped hats
-made into a crow-shaped hat by three skittish women **INCORRECT**
9. Table of contents
-a list of the titles and page numbers of each chapter in a book
-a page that appears at the beginning of every book by Lemony Snicket **INCORRECT**
10. defected
-removed all fects **INCORRECT**
-joined Count Olaf’s band of revolting comrades
August 1 2005
**SEE PAGE 339, LAST TORN LETTER TO EDITOR - THE GRIM GROTTO**
AUGUST 2 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering
the correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: The title of Chapter One in Lewis Carroll’s
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
=DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
Phrase #2: The name of the failed organization of well-read
leaders that a noble man named Woodrow Wilson hoped in 1919
would bring peace to the world forever.
=LEAGUE OF NATIONS
Phrase #3: An extremely important scientific discovery
made in 1905 by a man named Albert with outrageously messy white hair.
=THEORY OF RELATIVITY
August 3 2005
“The subliminal emotional tenor of a mob’s unruliness lies in
solitary opinions, expressed emphatically at various points in
the stereo field.”
August 4 2005
**IMAGE SEE BOTTOM OF PAGE 70 OF THE UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIORGRAPHY**
AUGUST 5 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) What cured, fruit-based ingredient other than capers is
required to make Pasta Puttanesca?
=OLIVES
2) What was the alleged surname of the arsonist cow that began
the Great Chicago Fire?
=O'LEARY
3) What knot does Violet Baudelaire frequently use in her inventions?
=DEVIL'S TONGUE
4) What V.F.D. rule was broken by the sad fate of Jacques Snicket?
=#201
5) What Russian literary figure do some people believe to
be almost as unfortunate as the Baudelaire orphans?
=
August 6 2005
**IMAGE SEE MISERABLE MILL (start of), CARMELITA SPATS BEFORE MEMENTO MORI**
AUGUST 7 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
He loves bananas.
Violet Baudelaire was his student in Room One.
In the words of Mr. Snicket, he has “a dark and thick mustache,
as if somebody had chopped off a gorilla’s thumb and stuck it
above [his] lip.”
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
=MR.REMORA
August 8 2005
“They didn’t understand it, but like so many unfortunate
events in life, just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean
it isn’t so.”
– Lemony Snicket
August 9 2005
Books hidden underneath the bed of a certain guardian:
The Tides of Lake Lachrymose
The Bottom of Lake Lachrymose
Lachrymose Trout
The History of the Damocles Dock Region
Ivan Lachrymose – Lake Explorer
How Water Is Made
A Lachrymose Atlas
AUGUST 10 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
This coded document was found, sent, burned, buried, or otherwise transmitted.
The Volunteer Training manual suggests that the first word of a
Sebald code always occurs immediately after a ringing bell.
Subsequent elements of the code occur every 11th spoken word
thereafter. Insert these letters in the blanks at bottom to
decode an important secret message.
Screenplay for Ants in the Fruit Salad by Dr. Gustav Sebald, page 43.
CHEF SONNY
(ringing a bell)
The fruit salad is served!
PROFESSOR TROUT
Thank Zeus! I am starved!
MRS. TROUT
My sister simply loves a
bowl of fruit. I recall she
once took--
LITTLE BONNIE TROUT
Eek!
PROFESSOR TROUT
Eek!
MRS. TROUT
Eek!
LITTLE BONNIE TROUT
The ants are climbing my fork!
Kill them! Kill them!
Secret Message:
THE SISTER TOOK THEM
August 11 2005
**AUDIO CLIP AS FOLLOWS:**
"What sort of case was it?"
Having been deprived of reading, Klaus was hungry for new information.
"I can't really discuss it because it's official business.
But i can tell you it concerns a poisonous plant and illegal use
of someone's credit card"
August 12 2005
**IMAGE SEE PG 184 OF UNATHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY**
"But we know how to solve problems, don't we?
Fire can solve any problem in the world."
- The man with a beard but no hair
AUGUST 13 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering the
correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: A commonly used approach to measurement, characterized
by measurements like centimeters and milligrams.
=METRIC SYSTEM
Phrase #2: The title and name of a ruler many researchers
believe fiddled while Rome burned.
=EMPORER NERO
Phrase #3: A possibly coded novel by Ernest Hemingway about the
possibly coded Spanish Civil War, first published in 1940.
=FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
AUGUST 14 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT meaning
for each word or expression.
1. utmost
-ut **INCORRECT**
-most
2. schism
-a division of a previously united group of people into two or
more oppositional parties
-a sliver or splinter on one’s foot **INCORRECT**
3. revulsion
-an unpleasant mixture of horror and disgust
-vulsion, again **INCORRECT**
4. at large
-the location of someone browsing neither small, medium, nor
extra large clothing in a store **INCORRECT**
-not in jail
5. snifter
-a type of glass, usually meant for holding brandy
-one who smells perfumes and colognes for a living **INCORRECT**
6. Condy’s fluid
-a complex chemical compound
-a top diplomat’s orange juice **INCORRECT**
7. futile
-made entirely of tin foil **INCORRECT**
-useless, unnecessary, and ineffectual, because there is no reason for it
8. pyromania
-a love of fire, usually the product of a deranged mind
-a love of spicy Indian food, usually the product of a culinary mind
**INCORRECT**
9. verdant
-relating to the operatic composer Giuseppe Verdi **INCORRECT**
-green
10. gravlax
-salmon marinated for several days in a mixture of spices
-salmon cut into pleasing shapes and simply served raw **INCORRECT**
MYSTERY THE FIRST
August 15 2005
"This is the excellent foppery of the world, that, when we are
sick in fortune——often the surfeit of our own behavior——
we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars;
as if we were villains by necessity, fools by heavenly
compulsion, knaves, thieves, and treachers by spherical
predominance…"
– William Shakespeare
It is unclear which side of the schism this man was on,
if any.
August 16 2005
**IMAGE SEE THE REPTILE ROOM, STEPHANO'S PICTURE CARRYING LUGGAGE**
“I’m not going to give you a tip,” the bearded man was saying
to the driver of the taxi, “because you talk too much.
Not everybody wants to hear about your new baby, you know.”
– THE REPTILE ROOM
August 17 2005
Coded postcards may be sent by any volunteer or villain.
AUGUST 18 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) What is the motto inscribed on the arch at Prufrock Preparatory School?
=MEMENTO MORI
2) What does a well-read person call salmon marinated for several
days in a mixture of spices?
=GRAVLAX
3) What was the only book found under Aunt Josephine's
bed that is not largely about Lake Lachrymose?
=HOW WATER IS MADE
4) What didn’t they understand?
=IT
5) What is the name of the code used in the screenplay
or of the person who delivered it?
=SEBALD
AUGUST 19 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
“Cakesniffer” is one of this False Spring Queen’s favorite insults.
In the words of Mr. Snicket, “If you were going to give a gold medal
to the least delightful person on Earth, you would have to give that
medal to [this person], and if you didn’t give it to her, [she] was the
sort of person who would snatch it from your hands anyway.”
She chooses a life of villainy.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
CARMELITA SPATS
August 20 2005
**IMAGE SEE MISERABLE MILL, KLAUS HYPNOTISED**
Flaneur (FLAN-rrrrr) n., French.
An idle observer.
August 21 2005
**IMAGE SEE THE VILE VILLAGE, CROWS FLYING**
“I have seen many amazing things in my long and troubled life
history. I have seen a series of corridors built entirely out
of human skulls. I have seen a volcano erupt and send a wall of lava
crawling toward a small village. I have seen a woman I loved picked
up by an enormous eagle and flown to its high mountain nest.
But I still cannot imagine what it was like to watch Aunt Josephine’s
house topple into Lake Lachrymose.”
– Lemony Snicket
August 22 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering the
correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: The famed German siblings responsible for a coded fairy
tale called Hansel and Gretel, which is about two children who
lose their parents and fall into the clutches of a terrible villain.
=GRIMM BROTHERS
Phrase #2: The title of Symphony #3 by Henryk Gorecki.
=SORROWFUL SONGS
Phrase #3: The terrible tragedy that began raging on the night of
September 2, 1666.
=GREAT FIRE OF LONDON
August 23 2005
“You’re not the only one with a mechanical device!
This is a harpoon gun that my boyfriend bought for me.
It fires four hooked harpoons, which are long spears perfect
for popping balloons.”
–Esme Squalor
August 24 2005
Certain crucial information should be printed out and kept
with you at all times in case of amnesia.
August 25 2005
**IMAGE SEE RIPPED PAGE IN UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY. QUOTING:**
Hear the loud alarum bells-
Brazen bells!
What tale of terror, now, their turbulency
tells!
“Under a burnt wooden sign marked ‘Poetry,’ I found a pile of
papers that were burned practically beyond recognition.”
–Klaus Baudelaire
AUGUST 26 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
This coded document was found, sent, burned, buried, or otherwise transmitted.
The Blind Men and the Elephant
by John Godfrey Saxe
It was six men of Indostan, to learning much inclined,
who went to see the elephant (Though all of them were blind),
that each by observation, might satisfy his mind.
The first approached the elephant, and, happening to fall,
against his broad and sturdy side, at once began to bawl:
"God bless me! but the elephant, is nothing but a wall!"
The second feeling of the tusk, cried: "Ho! what have we here,
so very round and smooth and sharp? To me tis mighty clear,
this wonder of an elephant, is very like a spear!"
The third approached the animal, and, happening to take,
the squirming trunk within his hands, "I see," quoth he,
the elephant is very like a snake!"
The fourth reached out his eager hand, and felt about the knee:
"What most this wondrous beast is like, is mighty plain," quoth he;
"Tis clear enough the elephant is very like a tree."
The fifth, who chanced to touch the ear, Said; "E'en the blindest man
can tell what this resembles most; Deny the fact who can,
This marvel of an elephant, is very like a fan!"
The sixth no sooner had begun, about the beast to grope,
than, seizing on the swinging tail, that fell within his scope,
"I see," quothe he, "the elephant is very like a rope!"
And so these men of Indostan, disputed loud and long,
each in his own opinion, exceeding stiff and strong,
Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong!
So, oft in theologic wars, the disputants, I ween,
tread on in utter ignorance, of what each other mean,
and prate about the elephant, not one of them has seen!
=THREE SPIES, BUT NONE SAW THE WHOLE TRUTH!
August 27 2005
“My friend Ben once gave me some elevator blueprints for my birthday,
and I studied them very closely. They were destroyed in the fire,
of course, but I remember that an elevator is essentially a
platform, surrounded by an enclosure, that moves along the
vertical axis via an endlessly looped belt and a series of ropes.
It’s controlled by a push-button console that regulates an
electromagnetic braking system so the transport sequence can
be halted at any access point the passenger desires. In other words,
it’s a box that moves up or down, depending on where you want to go.
But so what?”
–Violet Baudelaire
August 28 2005
New York, 1854: At the Crystal Palace Exposition, Elisha Graves
Otis demonstrates his invention, the modern elevator.
He cuts one of the elevator’s cables with an ax;
to the crowd’s dismay, the contraption does not plunge to its doom.
AUGUST 29 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) What did Justice Strauss’ important case involve, besides illegal
use of someone’s credit card?
=POISONOUS PLANT
2) Fire is commonly the result of a chemical reaction between a fuel,
like gasoline, and which gas?
=OXYGEN
3) What does “in loco parentis” mean?
=ACTING IN THE ROLE OF PARENT
4) What is Mr. Remora’s favorite food?
=BANANA
5) Who invented the modern elevator?
=ELISHA GRAVES OTIS
August 30 2005
“The mushrooms are exceedingly poisonous. Listen to this:
‘As the poet says, “A single spore has such grim power
That you may die within the hour.”’”
–Fiona
August 31 2005
**AUDIO CLIP AS FOLLOWS:**
"And now, ladies and gentlemen," Count Olaf stepped forward to address
the audience. "I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight's
performance for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene
of fiction, my marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal and
now I'm in control of her ENTIRE fortune."
**END OF AUDIO CLIP - - NOTE THERE IS BACKGROUND NOISE**
September 1 2005
**IMAGE OF A TOP HAT**
While a top hat is included in the V.F.D. Disguise Kit, a mustache is not.
SEPTEMBER 2 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT
meaning for each word or expression.
1. monocle
-an eyeglass for one eye, instead of two
-a bicycle for one spy, instead of two **INCORRECT**
2. aberrant
-very, very wrong, and causing much grief
-strawberry flavored**INCORRECT**
3. catastrophe
-a misplaced apostrophe**INCORRECT**
-an utter disaster involving tragedy, deception, and Count Olaf
4. in cahoots
-covered in tiny insects**INCORRECT**
-working with, in order to capture the Baudelaire fortune
5. xenophobe
-somebody who is afraid of people just because they come from a different country
-an electric xylophone**INCORRECT**
6. crowbar
-a drinking establishment frequented by large, black birds**INCORRECT**
-a sort of portable lever
7. gargantuan
-having attained an inordinate amount of botanical volume
-having the characteristics of an angry orangutan**INCORRECT**
8. stiletto
-a small slender knife resembling a dagger, such as might be carried by a carnival performer or a murderer
-the text of a very quiet opera**INCORRECT**
9. al fresco
-the name of a famous Italian sculptor**INCORRECT**
-outside
10. crisper
-a drawer in the refrigerator traditionally used for storing fruits and vegetables
-a relatively small case of arson**INCORRECT**
September 3 2005
Note the bowl of fruit.
"The Baudelaires walked through the door and found themselves
in a small room with nothing much in it but a small table that
held a bowl of fresh fruit. ‘This is the library?’ Klaus said.
‘Oh no,’ the man said. ‘This is just an antechamber, a small room
I’m using to store my fruit. If you get hungry during the day, you
may help yourself to something out of that bowl.’"
– THE HOSTILE HOSPITAL
September 4 2005
**IMAGE OF SCRIBBLED LETTER BY LEMONY SNICKET**
SEE PAGE 192 OF UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY:
It reads...
My dear sister,
I understand how desperate our situation has become,
but it is dreadful enough for people to have to read about the Baudelaires.
I cannot imagine who could be brave enough to help them.
With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket
September 5 2005
"It may not be particularly wise,
but it's a thrill to be disguised."
- Isadora Quagmire.
SEPTEMBER 6 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering
the correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: The grim movie, directed by a suspicious person named
Edmund Goulding, that won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1931/2.
=GRAND HOTEL
Phrase #2: An organizing scheme commonly used in libraries,
in which different topics are assigned different numbers.
=DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM
Phrase #3: The only volume of poetry ever written by Charles Baudelaire,
and Isadora Quagmire’s favorite book.
=LES FLEURS DU MAL
September 7 2005
**IMAGE OF MOB TORCHES FROM THE VILE VILLAGE**
We cannot kindle when we will
The fire that in the heart resides,
The spirit bloweth and is still,
In mystery our soul abides.
-- George John Whyte-Melville
SEPTEMBER 8 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
She is a poet who specializes in rhyming couplets.
Her parents perished in a terrible fire.
She was once imprisoned in a cage at the bottom of an elevator
shaft with her brother.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
ISADORA QUAGMIRE
September 9 2005
**IMAGE OF TENT**
"It is often quite frustrating to arrange all of the cloth and
the poles so that a tent works correctly, which is why I have
always preferred to stay in hotels or rented castles, which also
have the added attractions of solid walls and maid service."
– Lemony Snicket
September 10 2005
**IMAGE OF TENT ON FIRE**
September 11 2005
**IMAGE OF SHIP**
“Roger was a lousy pirate. He couldn’t tell the starboard
from the larboard, the windward from the leeward, or the mizzen
from the main.”
–Roger, the Jolly Pirate by Brett Helquist
September 12 2005
**AUDIO CLIP AS FOLLOWS:**
“The fire department arrived of course, but they were too late.
The entire house was engulfed in fire. It burnt to the ground”
Klaus pictured all the books in the library going up in flames.
Now he’d never read them all.
September 13 2005
The word “Attention” may indicate an important instruction that volunteers
should follow in case of fire.
SEPTEMBER 14 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) What dastardly device has been historically used to hunt
whales and/or crows?
=HARPOON GUN
2) Where does our soul abide?
=IN MYSTERY
3) What should volunteers do in case of fire?
=RUN FOR YOUR LIFE
4) What is not included in the V.F.D. disguise kit?
=MUSTACHE
5) In what sort of lodging does Mr. Snicket prefer to stay when
hotels become suddenly unavailable?
=RENTED CASTLE
MYSTERY THE SECOND
September 15 2005
The Seven Precepts of Merlin
which are followed by members of a certain secret organization
1. Labor diligently to acquire knowledge, for it is power.
2. When in authority, decide reasonably, for thine authority may cease.
3. Bear with fortitude the ills of life, remembering that no mortal sorrow is perpetual.
4. Love virtue – for it bringeth peace.
5. Abhor vice – for it bringeth evil upon all.
6. Obey those in authority in all just things, that virtue may be exalted.
7. Cultivate the social virtues, so shalt thou be beloved by all men.
SEPTEMBER 16 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
A coded document has been found elsewhere. Click here to look for it.
You must investigate and then return here to complete the secret message.
The Volunteer Training manual suggests that in certain coded
letters, certain letters may be uncertain. Insert these letters
in the blanks at bottom.
=THE WORST CAME AFTER THEIR COVERS WERE REVEALED
September 17 2005
It may already be too late for you to save anyone or anything
- except, perhaps, your screen.
Download screensaver: **SCREENSAVER DOWNLOAD**
September 18 2005
**IMAGE OF CROWS** WITH CAPTION: Pigeons? Or Crows??
“So I down to the water-side…and there saw a lamentable
fire…And among other things, the poor pigeons, I perceive,
were loth to leave their houses, but hovered about the windows
and balconys till they were, some of them burned, their wings, and fell down.”
– An account of the Great Fire of London from
the diary of Samuel Pepys, 1666
SEPTEMBER 19 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT meaning
for each word or expression.
1. somniferous
-a fancy word for something that is so boring it puts you to sleep
-so hairy it must be shaved *INCORRECT*
2. blanched
-boiled
-miraculously transformed into a wealthy elderly woman*INCORRECT*
3. flourish
-as white as a white-faced woman *INCORRECT*
-a sweeping gesture, often used to show off
4. tagliatelle grande
-big noodle
-enlarged spleen *INCORRECT*
5. garish
-filled with balloons, neon lights, and obnoxious waiters
-tasting of turnips *INCORRECT*
6. Wunderkind
-a German word which here means “someone who is able to quickly
climb masts on boats being attacked by leeches”
-a brand of fine toilet paper*INCORRECT*
7. ordeal
-a maneuver used in the card game “Old Maid” *INCORRECT*
-a heap of trouble, most of which was Count Olaf’s fault
8. indignantly
-in defense of an innocent baby
-in the manner of an archeologist*INCORRECT*
9. Fire away
-a spell frequently used by wizard volunteers *INCORRECT*
-begin telling me about your plan
10. dowager
-widow
-small woodland critter *INCORRECT*
September 20 2005
"Having a personal philosophy is like having a pet marmoset,
because it may be very attractive when you acquire it, but
there may be situations when it will not come in handy at all.”
– Lemony Snicket
NOTE: Due at least partly to closely following Merlin’s
Seven Precepts – the third precept regarding “mortal sorrow” was
especially faulty – very few members of the secret organization
known as the Druids still exist.
SEPTEMBER 21 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering
the correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: The first woman to win the Nobel Prize.
=MARIE CURIE
Phrase #2: The suspiciously-titled 1926 collection of essays by
Duncan Quagmire’s favorite writer, Dorothy Parker.
=ENOUGH ROPE
Phrase #3: An alarming nursery tale in which a boy sells an
alleged cow for magic beans and then chooses a life of crime,
including trespassing and golden egg theft.
=JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
SEPTEMBER 22 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
He has only one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
He was at Uncle Monty’s house.
He was imprisoned in the Village of Fowl Devotees.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
=JACQUES SNICKET
September 23 2005
**IMAGE OF THE TAXI FROM THE GRIM GROTTO**
“She pointed across the beach, and the children could see,
scarcely visible in the fog,
a yellow car parked at a nearby curb.”
–THE GRIM GROTTO
SEPTEMBER 24 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) Whose diary was stolen and searched for a description
of the Great Fire of London?
=SAMUEL PEPYS
2) Where were the six blind men from?
=INDOSTAN
3) What insult is commonly associated with Carmelita Spats?
=CAKESNIFFER
4) On a ship, what is the opposite of the starboard?
=LARBOARD
5) Who is Duncan Quagmire’s favorite writer?
=DOROTHY PARKER
September 25 2005
RECIPE
One mango, sliced
½ cup black beans
Two stalks celery, chopped
2 tbs fresh lime juice
3 tbs olive oil
Fresh ground pepper to taste
September 26 2005
**IMAGE OF SUNNY CUTTING UP MUSHROOMS**
“P.S. If you substitute the chopped celery with hearts of
palm, it is equally delicious.”
–Lemony Snicket, in a letter to his sister
SEPTEMBER 27 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT
meaning for each word or expression.
1. Snell’s Law
-a ray of light passing from one uniform medium to another
produces an identical ratio between the sine of the angle of
incidence and the sine of the angle of refraction
-No Tickling**INCORRECT**
2. ridicule
-a very small South American mule**INCORRECT**
-tease
3. Nemesis
-the worst enemy you could imagine
-the tenth planet in our solar system **INCORRECT**
4. vanity
-Count Olaf thinking he’s the most incredible person who ever lived
-the most incredible person who ever lived thinking she’s Count Olaf **INCRRECT**
5. personage
-a clergyperson’s residence **INCORRECT**
-person
6. assuaged
-a fancy word for "relieved"
-minced with spices and put in an edible casing to make sausage **INCORRECT**
7. daunting
-full of incredibly difficult words
-endeavoring to scrutinize, in quasi-inclusive breadth,
the epistemology of ophthamlmologically contrived appraisals**INCORRECT**
8. hubbub
-a huge crowd of people in an enormous, fancy room
-a huge person that is picking his toenails **INCORRECT**
9. Memento mori
-Remember you will die
-a Japanese delicacy featuring rotten fish and seaweed**INCORRECT**
10. impenetrable
-impossible to write on with a ballpoint pen**INCORRECT**
-impossible to break into and rescue kidnapped triplets
September 28 2005
FIRE CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM
Fire extinguishers, especially those in disguise, are classified based
on their ability to put out different types of fires. Each class refers
to what is burning.
Class A: Wood, paper, cloth, and rubber.
Class B: Gasoline, propane, oil, and diesel fuel.
Class C: Electrical wiring, machinery, and appliances.
Class D: Combustible metals.
SEPTEMBER 29 2005
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering the
correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1: The official and foreign-sounding name of the peaceful
and noble complex of buildings built on the Egyptian ruins of 40,000
books destroyed in a terrible fire in the First Century B.C.
=BIBLIOTHECA ALEXANDRINA
Phrase #2: The condition of pasta that is cooked until it is
tender, yet firm.
=AL DENTE
Phrase #3: The thirteen-year-old cousin who Edgar Allen Poe married,
some time before Count Olaf hatched a similar plan.
=VIRGINIA CLEMM
September 30 2005
When we grab you by the ankles,
Where our mark is to be made,
You’ll soon be doing noble work,
Although you won’t be paid.
When we drive away in secret,
You’ll be a volunteer,
So don’t scream when we take you:
The world is quiet here.
-- From the song “The Little Snicket Lad”,
THE UNAUTHORIZED AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF LEMONY SNICKET
October 1 2005
**IMAGE OF BOOK FROM AUSTERE ACADEMY**
"When you read as many books as
Klaus Baudelaire, you are going to
learn a great deal of information
that might not become useful for a
long time"
-THE HOSTILE HOSPITAL
October 2 2005
**AUDIO CLIP AS FOLLOWS**
"You are not looking in the right place."
"For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent."
Violet looked over in the direction of Count Olaf, but could not meet
his eyes, the eyes on his face that is. She was staring at his feet
and could see the tattooed eye that had been watching the Baudelaire orphans
since their troubles had begun.
OCTOBER 3 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
Whenever she is out, she is obsessed with what is in.
Her former acting teacher is a terrible villain.
Beatrice once stole something from her.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
=ESME SQUALOR
October 4 2005
Time is running out! Hang this poster on every available door,
window, tree, lamppost and crow!
October 5 2005
The In Auction Catalog
Lot #46
a small glass vase with blue flowers
Lot #47
a pair of ballet slippers made of chocolate
Lot #48
an enormous statue of a scarlet fish
Lot #49
a valuable postage stamp
Lot #50
V.F.D.
OCTOBER 6 2005
VOCABULARY FREQUENTLY DEGRADED
You must prove you are not a villain by choosing the INCORRECT
meaning for each word or expression.
1. ennui
-the Eskimo word for sea lion *INCORRECT*
-severe boredom
2. tenebrous
-dark
-rubbery**INCORRECT**
3. ruffians
-horrible people
-actors who only play dogs or, in rare cases, cats **INCORRECT**
4. phantasmagorical
-smelling of elves **INCORRECT**
-all the creepy, scary words you can think of put together
5. foisted
-a nasty word for "gave"
-pierced with a fork**INCORRECT**
6. idiosyncrasies
-things that numerous foolish people manage to do at the same time
**INCORRECT**
-unique habits
7. fowl
-bird
-utterly disgusting **INCORRECT**
8. transpired
-happened and made everybody sad
-leapt from one rooftop to another **INCORRECT**
9. Brobdingnagian
-very, very good at spelling **INCORRECT**
-unbelievably husky
10. conch
-the sound made when an easy chair is dropped on someone from
a great height **INCORRECT**
-a fancy seashell
OCTOBER 7 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) Who gave Violet elevator blueprints for her birthday?
=BEN
2) What principles did the Druids follow?
=SEVEN PRECEPTS OF MERLIN
3) What may be substituted for celery in one of the Snicket
family’s favorite picnic recipes?
=HEARTS OF PALM
4) Which category of fire extinguisher would be required to
put out an important refrigerator that has been set on fire?
=CLASS C
5) What is the Baudelaire siblings’ and Quagmire triplets’
least favorite color?
=PINK
October 8 2005
**IMAGE OF LAMP**
“I have often thought that the best mode of life for me would be
to sit in the innermost room of a spacious locked cellar with
my writing things and a lamp.”
–Franz Kafka, in a letter to Felice Bauer, January 14, 1913.
October 9 2005
VOLUNTEER FACTUAL DISPATCH
To: All Investigators of The Nameless Novel
From: G.
Mr. Snicket has been spotted in the South STOP. It is unclear why
he would have thrown a giant pearl into the ocean while violently
weeping and crying out STOP. That’s not what I meant at all STOP.
Then again perhaps it was not Mr. Snicket STOP. Or it was not a giant
pearl STOP. Or it was not what he said STOP. Or all three STOP.
OCTOBER 10 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
A coded document has been found elsewhere.
You must investigate and then return here to complete the secret message.
The Volunteer Training manual suggests that in certain coded
letters, certain letters may be uncertain. Insert these letters
in the blanks at bottom.
SECRET MESSAGE
=THE COUNTERFEIT CONCIERGE IS IN.
October 11 2005
**PICTURE OF THE FLOUR MADE TO BE SUNNY**
“Our virtues are most frequently but vices in disguise.”
– Francois de La Rochefoucauld
OCTOBER 12 2005
VERNACULARLY FASTENED DOOR
You have reached a Vernacularly Fastened Door. Only entering
the correct series of phrases will open it.
Correct phrases are sometimes found using search engines,
well-stocked libraries, or very smart people.
Phrase #1:Perhaps the greatest voluntary investigator in history,
he lived at 221b Baker Street.
=SHERLOCK HOLMES
Phrase #2: If something can go wrong, it will.
=MURPHY'S LAW
Phrase #3: A terrible, terrible schism, in which one group known
as Lancaster and another known as York battled each other from
1455 to 1487.
=WAR OF THE ROSES
OCTOBER 13 2005
VOLUNTEER/VILLAIN FORMALLY DESCRIBED
You must correctly identify this person.
His parents were killed in a terrible fire and left behind an
enormous fortune consisting of sapphires.
He is a highly skilled researcher.
He was last seen in a hot air mobile home.
The Volunteer/Villain Formally Described is:
DUNCAN QUAGMIRE
October 14 2005
**IMAGE OF FRONT COVER OF FIRST BOOK**
“Just think, by the end of the day I’ll have more new members of
my troupe than ever before!”
– Count Olaf
OCTOBER 15 2005
UNCOMMON COMMONPLACE QUIZ
You must consult your Commonplace Book to answer these questions.
1) What was supposed to be auctioned off immediately before V.F.D.?
=VALUABLE POSTAGE STAMP
2) What famous tormented author dreamt of being imprisoned in a cellar?
=FRANZ KAFKA
3) What is vice often disguised as?
=VIRTUE
4) What is Lemony Snicket’s favorite book?
=THE BEARS' FAMOUS INVASION OF SICILY
5) What were the last words of Henry Ward Beecher?
=NOW COMES THE MYSTERY
October 16 2005
VFD
OCTOBER 17 2005
CODED COMMUNICATION
This coded document was found, sent, burned, buried, or otherwise
transmitted.
The Volunteer Training manual suggests that in certain coded
letters, certain letters may be uncertain. Insert these letters
in the blanks at bottom.
SECRET MESSAGE
Dear Investigator,
In forty-eight hours, Book the Twelf in A Series of Unfortunate
Events wll finally be releaed. At ths point, I have no choice but
to flea the city.
I till have not heard from Mr. Snicke. But tere are mor sighting
evry day, and I am ertain he is nearby.
Yur dogged search for aswers has been among the most noble ever
unertaken by a member of our organizaion. You have discvered so much.
You know now how terribe the truth is. You know bout the disguises,
the elevators, the guets, the bells, the taxis, the birds,
the confusion, the murder…
And you know the tile. I am s, so sorry.
My geatest hope is that we will one ay meet for t with sugar.
Unti then, I leave you…
With all due respect,
The Editor
=THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST ORDEAL
OCTOBER 18 2005
THE PENULTIMATE PERIL IS HERE!
READ THE FIRST CHAPTER HERE!
