January 10, 1973. Shawn's birth was a miracle to a Mother with a deformed womb. I was to never have any more biological children.Shawn was a happy baby. He never cried! When his father dropped him on his head, he never cried. When he was first walking he fell off the curb and got four stitches to the back of his head, he never cried. When weeble wobbles had his attention he fell down the stairs and got three stitches above his eye, he never cried. When he fell off the monkey bars at school and was paralyzed for hours, he never cried. When a dog bit his arm clean to the bone, he never cried. When he was running down the street one afternoon he fell into the sidewalk edge and broke his arm. He was 9 years old. He said, "Mom, if I was a little kid, I'd be crying."
Shawn carried the dolphin spirit and its protection from birth. He loved the water. His swim coach once had great expectations of him.
Shawn adored any and all holidays, special events and celebrations and he loved to play. The first movie he ever saw was The Muppets. He loved Star Wars...and the Smurfs
Shawn did well in school but was bored easily. Shawn was proud of IQ test results that labelled only 11% of the population smarter than him. He was five years old. Shawn was labelled a manipulator at an early age. At birth, if the nurses didn't give him a bottle fast enough he'd hold his breath.
This terrified me. Their response - he passes out, he'll breathe. The manipulator label carried with his teachers and the word disruptive was used. We'd argue - no, bored - but they wouldn't advance him beyond his peer age. After a few years I gave up the fight and simply told the schools to "deal with it". I had not an iota of trouble with my child at home, you figure it out.
Shawn loved animals and had a curious nature. Even tho' our dog was stolen, to be found in the U of M laboratory; even tho' our cat ate poinsetta and Shawn found her dead; even tho' our dog got killed on a hunting trip with a friend; Shawn always wanted a pet, and for years, only wanted to be a Vet.
Being an only child of a usually single parent, Shawn had a strong sense of what FAMILY might mean. Shawn loved being fourth generation, and he adored his Great Grandma, his Grandpa, Grandma (Nanny), his Uncles and his StepSister. Shawn survived the disappearance of his stepfather almost unscathed, or so we thought. He survived a molestation, or so we thought. But, he got real scared when his Mom got Cancer and had to have an operation.
Shawn didn't smile so much anymore...he cried.
Shawn saw his biological father irregularly until he was three. When he was eleven he wanted to go live with him. He was happy to return to his "mean old Mom" three months later. His father never did attend Shawn's funeral.
When Shawn was 13 I succumed to clinical depression so he went to live with his grandparents for a time. He was lonesome for me but happy to be there. Then his Grandpa died and he never recovered. I ran from all the feelings the death of the devil incarnate brought up for me and wasn't there for Shawn either. He asked his Grandmother if he could stay with her, she said no. He cried and cried.
Shawn's memories were pretty hazy after his Grandpa died. He lived as though each day would be his last one, and tried to forget he'd lived any at all with the help of T.H.C. (pot).
Shawn loved his friends dearly and was way loyal. Once, four of his friends ran away. They were stopped purse snatching in Golden, B.C., Canada. He said "no, Mom, I don't need to run away, but I had to. They don't know the things I know and couldn't have made it in California without me.
I was in the other car that we stole, I didn't need money." He got probation, community service hours, and, after the judge heard me he got curfew and mandatory counselling. Shawn stayed in trouble with the 'law'. When Shawn was in Young Offenders Centre, many court appearances later, many overnites in jail later, a friend said he'd committed an offense with Shawn to keep him company there. Shawn got him released. In Young Offenders Centre Shawn found sobriety and the New Testament.
But...he always held it against me that he did seven weeks there before I'd let him come home. Our trust and bond would never completely be repaired.
Shawn went back to school and played football to honour his late Grandpa who had played pro.
Shawn was never sure when he fell off the wagon. He thought it might have been when a bunch of them went and beat up a guy for beating up his sister. His history and record - he got arrested. He did his community service, quit school because of being bullied, and began to party on. He damned any and all consequences. He didn't care we were threatened with eviction. He stole my car many times, and partied on. He wouldn't talk, he wouldn't feel.
He put a hole in the wall when I wasn't home yet bought me a beautiful unicorn picture to cover it. (That beautiful picture got broken during one of his parties.) I practiced 'tough love' one last time and there he was, on the streets.
Shawn found the Carnival circuit early, in northern Manitoba, Canada at his grandparents and later choose its glamour for life. He got his driver's licence and the car of his dreams. Wine, women and song...Wine, women and song...Lots of THC Lots of choices, some good, some bad. Even when he'd come home between 'seasons'.
A committed relationship, an attempt to settle down. A feeble attempt. A fling, a daughter maybe. The Sociopathic Carnival Circuit...Wine, women and song...Lots of THC.
And then THE girlfriend. She travelled the circuit, right from her rich Daddy's house. Two abortions. She's nagging him to quit drugs. I'm nagging him to detox. He accuses me of not 'being on his side'. I'm nagging him to 'keep it in his pants'. They seperate. Shawn comes home, works nites and registers for school. He'll be a cop and work with juveniles, or be a vet still.
Shawn smokes pot and lots of it 'to forget'. He never answers to forget what. Maybe the molestation, maybe all the stepfathers, maybe that his Grandpa is dead, maybe all his losses, maybe that he's smart...Maybe...Maybe...Maybe...
The ex girlfriend shows up on our doorstep. It's March/April and the carnival calls. The lure of bright lights, constant action and lots of money always called him back.
He had big dreams. He'd hated being poor as a child, he called it dirt poor. Most of his dreams were money focused. When he was screaming at me it was usually in anger that I'd never gotten my rich parents to bail us out of being poor. He never knew the evildoing tyrant Grandpa and he'd never heard the story of when Grandpa was jealous of 6 month old Shawn and threw us out into the street one cold winter night. He never witnessed his Grandmother's weakness nor subtle abuse.
His yelling was usually about how hard I worked and he hated being a 'latch key kid'. He found it hard to talk feelings and yelled at me often that self esteem doesn't pay the bills. He hated the concept of tough love.
Wine, women and song...Wine, women and song. Abortion #3. His biological father bails him out this time. He's a stockbroker in Toronto. Apparently he's rich. He's somebody. No tough love there. I'm sorry the selfish son of a bitch wasn't at your funeral Shawn.
Mom, we're in Calgary south for a week - come see me? Mom, we're in Innisfail for a week - come see me? Mom we're in Rocky Mtn. House for a week - come see me? Mom, we're playing Panoka - come see me? Hey Mom, we're off to Manitoba and I can see the rest of the family. They always get together and have a belated birthday party for me. A cake and lots of presents. Cool eh? Nanny bought me runners - $120.00. Cool eh?
Yeah Shawn, way cool.
Mom we're at Stampede - come see me? Then Klondike Days, then off to Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, California and Texas. And the gifts would come in the mail bought with money made off of some unsuspecting customer and the sociopathic energy that accompanies the 'midway'.
Hey Mom, I manage midways now. No more balloon stand for me. I'm somebody. And Mom, you know, I always do things 'till I prove I'm the best. I'm the best carney in two countries. I'm bored. This is gonna' be my last year on the circuit, it's time to settle down. I'll have lots of money after this run to Houston. Can I come home? I promise...no wine, women and song. I'll detox. I'll get a regular person job. I'll go back to school. And SHE's ridiculous anymore. We always fight. After Houston we're going our seperate ways.
Now it's late October. As usual, he's home. It's late November, he's selling vacuums. It's Christmas. He loved Christmas so much. He wasn't sure if it was 'cause his birthday follows. Wine, women and song...Wine, women and song...Lots of THC
His Grandma's taking the whole family (21 of us) to DisneyLand. Remember Mom? I sent you those Mickey Mouse ears from DisneyWorld? Shawn had dreams and they cost money. Shawn also had a neverending desire to have his whole family together at one time. He wasn't happy cause he'd already been to Disney, but, off we went to Florida. January 1996.
Overall we had a good time. Shawn had a great Birthday there. A little wine, family and song...No THC. I doubt we'd have done a thing differently, even if we'd known it would be his last Birthday with us.
They say being a carney gets in your blood. They even speak their own language. I tried to learn to speak it, I was useless.
SeaWorld had a midway...Shawn asked the Manager if he could have any prize on the midway if he beat an impossible to beat game. He won me a 6 ft. stuffed Shamu whale. Even though I tried to talk him out of it the Manager never knew he'd been scammed. Shawn said, "serves him right".
I fell in love and wanted to bring a polar bear home. He surprised me with one he'd actually bought at the gift shop. Much like the time he brought me a bear home from Vegas. He pretended it was for HER sister, and when he went back on the road, I found it under my bed covers. The Florida trip ended and reality once again returned.
Three weeks later his Great Grandma died. Wine, women and song...Wine, women and song...Lots of THC
Shawn got a call from a circuit boss and an offer to buy into a partnership. Once again the draw of the lights, action and dollars...
Our house had bodies sleeping everywhere alot...he said at least you always know where I am. The neighbours had called threatening to call the cops one day...my ex husband threw six of them out of the garage and pot smoke billowed out behind them. Shawn was not impressed. I was less impressed. Tough love time yet again. Ah, it's March, the PNE is on anyways. See ya Mom.
Hey Mom, we didn't know SHE was pregnant when we broke up. No, we're not getting back together. I can't stand her and she knows I don't want kids. I wasn't very compassionate.
Wine, women and song...THC...So many choices...some good, some bad.
Hey Mom, I've met someone. We have everything in common. I love her.
and SHE (the ex) will give up the baby for adoption. SHE calls me 'cause I'm Grandma to be. SHE calls me 'cause she wants Shawn back.
Hey Mom, I really love her, this woman I met. And guess what? Her name is Karen too. And we're getting married, New Year's Eve, in Times Square, under the big ball dropping. Let's do Christmas in Manitoba, I want everyone to meet her. We can celebrate cousin April's Birthday and all fly off to New York for the wedding. Start saving your $ Mom.
My name wasn't always Morrigan.
The new woman, song and THC...So many choices...some good, some bad.
A son is born to HER June 12, 1996. Adoption please. Mom, you? My son? Raise him? NOT, I'll get a restraining order against you first. Shawn, don't do this. Haven't I changed? Haven't I lived the guilt enough? No! No? Fine then...do I wish I haden't slammed down the phone? Yes.
Tough love, tough love, tough love...click...click.
Do I wish I haden't slammed down the phone again and again? Yes.
SHE phoned me with birth details.
Mom, are you there, Mom, fuck I hate your machine...anyways, SHE's keeping the baby. I saw him - he's amazing. I'll call you again soon ok.
Mom, are you there, Mom...anyways, we'll be there for Stampede and I want you to meet Karen. You'll love her too. Hey, is Nanny still coming to Calgary for the month of July? Bye.
Shawn called me back when he hit town and asked if I'd bring his grandmother to see him at Stampede. I agreed and took her. I was still so hurt over his words and that SHE had put father unknown on baby's birth certificate. He told me he'd have come to the house if I hadn't come to Stampede. I asked, why, to meet Karen? He said, "you're my Mother".
I went to tour 'tipi village' and he and Karen and my mother went for coffee. He gave me his book The Tenth Insight cause the one he bought me had been stolen, made me promise to read it, hugged me for dear life and whispered "I love you" in my ear. I walked away. I never looked back. I told a friend who had come along for support that the hug felt like I'd never see him again. I cried for days.
My mother wanted to see an old friend in Edmonton and see Shawn at Klondike Days. Against my better judgement I took her the three hour drive. Shawn was so stoned he barely recognized us. My mother kept trying to talk to him and I kept trying to drag her away. He agreed to join us at the Casino. He never showed up. That was the last time I saw my baby alive.
I heard how he was doing from HER. SHE adored Shawn and hated Karen and still wanted Shawn back.
Do I know what happened for sure on that last day? No. I have rumour, I have speculation, I have a coroner's best guesses, I have the information that at 2:30 am he was happy and laughing with his friends, planning to come home for a couple of weeks then go to Mexico for a month of R & R. I have instinct, I have feeling...I will probably never know for sure.
Karen...a drug needle user? Her? No way!
Karen...a tramp? Her? No way!
HIV? Her? Oh my God!
HIV? Me? Oh my God!
In his despair Shawn did closure thru' the written word, saying he quit. He resigned himself to his hopelessness and helplessness and went out in the most angry way imaginable. On October 18, 1996 in a hotel room in Dallas, Texas, Shawn hung himself with his own belt. He was found approximately 8 hours later.My baby...gone. Never to hug me for dear life again. Never to show up and throw his bags on the floor laughing and yelling "Mommy, I'mmmm home". Never to ask for BarBQ'd steaks. Never to party on again.
in spirit, Morrigan
~ angel Shawn's Mom ~ Jan.10/73 - Oct.18/96
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