201203
hmmm...-stretches-...this morning, it was beautiful and warm and everything i hold dear. it's not anything new i suppose, but i'd like to reflect on it anyway, because it seems so new and so fresh in my mind than it was before. me and alex slept in my parents bed, and have been doing so since they left out of town to visit my new relatives. i highly doubt they'd care, and only would if i left it a complete disaster and a 'mess'. anyway, there bed is overstuffed and huge and whatnot, and the bed is in the middle of the wall, the big dresser in front in the middle too, the nightstands on either side, a mirror to the left somewhere, and then on the right their huge ass window, maybe two...my mum has these awesome curtains, i don't even know the colour of them, i just know they're soft, and they cast this amazing fading blue...idunno...but my house was just the right warm, and teh covers made it perfect with being huddled next to him. no talking, no complications, no worrying if my parents would walk in on me or friends for that matter[i locked the door!], or anything like that, or it being too cold...i smiled, he smiled, i poked at his lips and teeth and he laughed and hugged me. i got up and got some water, and came back...i felt like the luckiest person in the fucking world...i stopped in the middle of the room to finish the glass, and he said i looked like i little kid holding my glass with two hands, then he said he wish he could take me everywhere in my undies instead of clothes. being lazy bums in bed reminded me up when i first started going out with him. at first, i didn't know anyone else in the house knew, and i was a bit paranoid that someone might. i mean we had matt and jonathan, plus an additional one for the time. but...i'd always crawl in his big bed, which was the room right next to matts, and he'd make this 'shh' motion, and i'd huddle right next to him, even though it was fairly hot at the time. then i'd always have to get up earlier than him and everyone else for school, and sneak out. i learned later matt and jonathan knew because matt had walked in on me doing something to him. -rubs face-...idunno...i got out of bed and got on the net, only to get disconnected by the server, so i gave up and alex got up and we made fruit waffles together, how ironic...best damn waffles i ever had. we watched the morning tele toons and saw sonic the hedgehog, kirby and all these wild things, it was great. then uhm...we took a shower, and i sat there hugging him for the longest time, and i'm not sure why, just an urge...and he was telling me it was ok, he would never leave me, no matter what, that he's here, we can talk and stuff...i don't understand how i felt like that after having the best morning, it was almost desperate. i made him laugh though, and the situation disappeared. he had a ball dressing me though, because i lost a coin toss to him. he managed to get me in my old black slacks, with my black socks, and my black shoes, and slipped my crimson shirt on me that a friend gave to me even, and it has this logo on it, something like the upside down pentacle and some swiggles on each tip. i'm pretty sure it's the satanic one. i fought with him over the wristband he wanted to put on me, some gay pride thing that would never match what i was wearing unless it was rainbow...he almost broke my sex bracelets on purpose =| i had my rings though and my ankh, so all was good. he was being a pansy when i went to put up my hair, so i just pulled it back and left a good bit of stray strands as bangs. he kept saying we were going to be late, and i didn't know to what even. he was dressed like i wish ihad dressed, because i was having technical difficulties with my slacks, both falling down and failing to hide something. but, he had on some worn out jeans and chucks, and then his old thriftstore tshirt with some soccer thing on it. i found out though, we were late to meet his parents for 'brunch', which i didn't enjoy. despite them being happy to see me, they sure didn't act like it much. his mum kissed my cheeks and said i looked great and healthy and stuff and asked me how my mum was doing, and i told her about the baby and that made her happy as all hell right there. i didn't talk to his dad much, i didn't want to. last time i saw him he called me a lousy sonofabitch. i almost kicked his ass for that one, had i not been in a hurry to leave. anyway...all the family is coming in town for christmas, so they wanted alex to go christmas shopping and that sort of stuff. they gave us a list, i almost fainted. they gave him money, i eyeballed them. we went to toys'r'us, the mall...ohmyGOD i never want to enter a mall again...we had to get this watch for his cousin and i almsot shit my pants when i looked at the price! god...so much to buy...then when we were technically done, we went and got his parents something. we bought his mum this figurine from soemthing called memories, and then we bought his pops cuban cigars. idunno. i had already bought my parents something each. i bought my mum this uhm...how do i put it in english...idunno, it's her favourite food from germany, whatever the hell it is, and i bought them both really good wine, i bought him this uhm, joke book i guess? from uh...whatever that platypus and cat's name are. idunno, i know they'll like it all because it's something from me, even if it's not permanent. i mean, i just got buying my mum this pendant for her birthday and my dad...what the hell did i get him for his...a pen? no...it was something to help him with work...i forgot, but they loved those because i had them engraved somehow. no, i had his engraved..hers had a gem in it or soemthing...-rubs face- nevermind..i'm done with shopping. they'll love the wine the most just because it's alcohol. i was stressed out by the time we were done, and i started smoking. alex told me after that that he'd never go shopping again...then after awhile when i had gone through five, he told me that other than they're killing my lungs, their smell mixes well with my cologne or something...lotion maybe, i don't remember what he was going on about. we dropped everything off at his parents house and picked up his car and went home. his dad made this huge mistake of asking alex in front of me if i wasn't just the fucker who he had broken up with. his mum restraiend his dad and we fled. we fled and had some other wine and made some ethnic food my mum taught me and pigged out. i felt better when i was done, i don't know about him...he looked better. he just went to sleep, so i think i'll stop writing...
171203 - woooowwww...god...these have been trying times lately...well, i might as well get over with it and say it...rob died a couple days ago...i would ahve thought my luck was horrid enough, but he just...he overdosed, he ate his pops heart medication and they found him passed out in the bathroom...to think that could ahve been me. i wish is was after i heard that. the night or so before then i had been talking with him about it, trying to resolve he didn't need a boyfriend or anyone, taht he was a great guy. he skateboarded and skated, was good too, liked surfing and the beach, loved pingpong...i went to high school and a bit of middle school with him for awhile. it's funny how i met him...i had been fooling around on a skateboard, trying to flip the board, and ibusted my ass...and i felt like i would never get up off the ground, and my legs were apart, my arms out to my sides, someone could have landed on me even...he came up and stood over me, feet on my sides and told me to not try and be evil kinevil or something. idunno...we were dumbasses together and even sillier in a group. i only found out he digged boys by accident, and i never told anyone afterwards. i remember going over to his house to pick up my skatebag or something, and no cars were home, so i tried the door, used their spare key to get in, and i walked in on him at his puter just...looking at porn lol...i stared at the screen, i stared at him...i know i stood there way long and i just couldn't help it at all...sort of shocked and intrigued. oiii...i squeeked so bad when i said his name...he looked so shocked, i mean he was really wigged out. i don't regret it or anything, but we did end up uh...dry humping each other, since...my pants had a mind of it's own when i walked in >.>...that's about as bad as when i dry humped alex a couple days ago in the kitchen. my parents had been home and we couldn't just go at it there in the kitchen or go to my room or even eave the house, they were still mad at me for cutting my arm...they could have walked in now that ithink about it. it's good they didn't, or else those fifteen minutes would have been ruined. anyway...rob died...robert died...i've been so paranoid that i've tried getting ahold of old friends that were mental, some i did and they're fine, some have been dead for a year or more...some i just didn't find...the whole thing's made me upset, no doubt...when i heard about rob it was too much for me, and my dad walked in on me trying to take my bandages off with my nails and teeth and he had to sit on me so i couldn't move, and alex hear us struggling and me yelling and then they were both holding me down telling me to calm down...i was crying so hard, body just spasming with coughs. by the time those stopped, i had curled into the crook of my dads neck and just fellinto him...it was insane, because he didn't push me away. he left me and alex alone and just...hours later i had been watching the tele, and something gruesome was on the screen...i couldn't breathe, i fell on the floor and grabbed my chest...and then i collapsed...it had been an attack. i was woken up, and asked what i had eaten to make me sick, and it seems i popped on the floor before i konked out...alex stayed home from work while my parents went to work, spent the day in bed...i had and did so much sex...that i...i ...he was so warm...i remember, we ran out of condoms, he was pissed...he got dressed up, shoes on, straightened his hair...he looked downright gorgeous...lol, you could tell he had got laid too, he had that 'i am god' look on his face, and glazed eyes...i had curled up on my side to go to sleep, and he dragged me out by the hips telling me if he had to go out in the cold i was going with him, i said i had no clothes, he fished some out for me. he put this enormous sweater on me, like putting an adult one on a kid...i balled my hands into the cotton and he put pants on me, some denim jeans that were obviously his too, because i had enough room for two of my packages in them >.>...they were damn comfy though...we went to the grocery store, and i hung on him, i couldn't help it because i was tired as fuck...we kept our hands to ourselves in each others pockets, and i think this one person thought i was a female, mostly because my hair was in my face and they said ti from behind. i crawled up in shirt on the drink aisle, mostly because it was cold. we got up to the lines, and they were long, so he ended up standing behind me, hugging me and toying with the hem of the jeans. we quickly went home after that...we haven't actually talked in awhile. we've just...done things...we've made small talked, laughed, commented...it was sort of an agreement...whenever we're near one another and out of site, we're completely together...i haven't wanted to talk, even though we've both said we needed to speak, we know it...so we've slept...we've ate, amused my parents with seemingly normal things...but as soon as they're gone, we're against a wall or something...trying to be free...the package we bought that day was finished that day...kelly and amy came by during it though...kelly walked in on us, me on the bottom, alex obstructing her view...i know he didn't hear her come in or the door, i barely recognised her, half gone...she stood in my doorway for awhile, and i think she was flabberghasted...i lost sight of her when alex shifted and my back couldn't help curving...i didn't care...i don't know why she stayed, and she could have heard us outside my door, due to the moans and all, which should have made her leave when she came in...at least alex had kept the sheets up because it was chilly outside, then she didn't get any views...i made a mess on him and he fell and hugged my chest, and i mouthed the words until i could say them, that she was standing there. i stood up and found some pants to put on...i wish i could have taken a picture of her eyes when i touched my chest and ran a finger over her bottom lip... i swear she got off...i missed what amy said when i walked to the restroom, but i had to remove kelly from my room when i came back, and closed the door so alex could sleep. amy was weird though, she licked my chest o.0 then she laughed when i walked to our sofa...bitch...kelly stared at me while i talked with amy, and she asked em for moeny because she hadn't gotten paid yet and needed to get gas and food, so i went to my room and dug through piles of clothes looking for where my money might be. meanwhilre kelly had let herself in my room and stood right behind m tugging on my pants, even though alex was a little away sleeping. she stuck her hand down the front of my pants, and i almost busted my ass when i was trying to turn around. if iwould have stood still i would have been fucked, but i'm glad amy's a bitch and called my name. kelly thinks it's neat that i don't keep any hair, very 'girly' =| i'll show her girly...they left and i crawled back in bed and planted myself between him and the bed...it's nice that's he's living with me, even though his stuff's at the apartment and his parents. the first day he came over it was shakey....because i had been having a trying day, my parents weren't too happy with me because my mum had gotten up earlier than i thought once...and ihad reopened the cuts on my pelvic bone...and my pants ride low anyway, so she saw a good bit...plus i had had raked my own nails down my sides from a nightmare, trying to erase it...i think that was the one with chris...anyway...everyone wasn't having the best day, and i'm sure i had seen james the night before...which reminds me...i finally opened that box that i had gotten with the flowers...and it was a ring, a silver, simple ring, much like the one alex gave me, except on the inside it says something...much like the one...alex gave me...except the one alex gave me said i love you on the inside...the night of my birthday, when we had gone out and spent time together and laughing and having a good time, he had rolled onto on his side, pushing my hair out of my face, and had asked me if i would take the ring back...i took it back, and it's back home on my middle finger...and then i have the one james gave me....on the other...anyway...alex had come over to see me, and it got hot and heavy in coversation and i gave in, i crumbled, because i didn't like not knowing what to do. i've always had an answer, for everything. at the time...i had...i had still spent the night with james a couple times...and i had slept with kelly...and with this guy i was habitually set up with to make them feel better...the latter i didn't intend, it ended up beign a pity fuck...i told alex about it all, every time it happened, and he said it was alright, because i came home to him, not them...which is true...he told me he's only sleeping with me, no one else...he doesn't want anyone else ever again...he told me he wouldn't blame the people sleeping with me, because i wasn't just someone or repulsive or anything...he's getting a real big kick out of me jogging and doing excercise in general, because i can take him on and stuff and kick his ass. i think he likes it o.0...i remember from today even, he made this comment about someone's farmer tan, and e pulled my shirt up and said he was glad i'd never get that. lol, he went 'mmm, alabaster'...and i thought he said 'mmm, good bastard'...i was like, wtf...i do realise that though, because i had gone out early this morning to take the garbage out, and i fucking glowed, i mean...vampires have nothing on me man...anyway...since then, i haven't seen james much and i've strayed away from kelly...and i won't go out to clubs, in fear of getting very drunk and screwing someone's brains out...or somethings...i've spent a lot of time around alex and less around my friends, but like i mentioned, not much of it has been talking, except for the night/day robert died...alex talked to me and everything...but it's fine for now...i think yesterday morning or so i took kelly's project to school, and i didn't wear a shirt shirt, i did wear my black pj bottoms and shoes...but i grabbed a very white...very middriff showing shirt, by accident almost...and i drove to the school, i got out and all, walked in...and the first person that saw me was a female, a really...old female...and she just, followed me...i didn't even ahve my hair tied back, it was loose and around my shoulders, my keys dangling in my right hand. no art bag though. if it wasn't for the way i walked, she probably would ahve thought i was a girl from the back. honestly. so i went to the main office, saw miss hatchet, she gave me a pass so i wouldn't be killed on spot by the security guard. i walked down the halls and it felt...like i missed it, nostalgic even...i finally found my way to the class and dropped off the project, with the teacher, staring at me then too. except, she's super old, she looks like something from teh grinch. she was a grinch, and told me to cover my stomach. which i refused and stated i was dropping something off for kelly, who had taken ill. and she asked who i was, and i paused, and i was laughing on the inside about whether to say it one way or the other...and i said i was her fuckbuddy. and that woman's eyes got so large...by gods. i tilted my head, she continued, kelly's friends cheered, it was all good. i had the bandage on my arm still, so of course the children questioned it. i even offered to show them when it healed up. one of her friends, tara maybe is her name...she was running her nails lightly over my belly button and blushing and all. it was very odd considering ikept a pretty straight face. i played with dorian's head before i left making a kissy face. tara almost embarassed me, then she followed me to the car, and we were talking and stuff, and i opened the car door and she almost pulled my pants a bit too far, because the front of them were hanging right where they had no where else to go. i asked her why people pulled at my pants, made innuendos and the like at me and she said it was becausei was a 'sexy goth boy' =\...i went right back home and asked alex why the hell people hit on me, and he left out the boy part, but did tease me...my cat is...rubbing me...>.>...and being violent...hmm...last night ihad fun, i went and got coffee and stuff and met with a friend or two with alex in the vicinity. i ended up using sugar packets as ammunition against my friend and then he said white boys can't dance, so i proved him wrong when some random song came on and i pulled a random girl up and danced along with her. might i add, smoothly. then he read my tarot and freaked me out, then eh read my energy, and that just...whoa...he knew what i did that afternoon >.> and about this one thing i did with a guy at dunkin donuts >.> and when i lied to my mum about brekaing this plate...oh hell no...i ended up curling in the chair and dozing off, and alex came over and sat on me and tried waking me up and this and that. so he sat in the chair on the edge and leaned over me, threatening to tickle me, and i threatened to rip his balls off, so he tickeld me anyway and i nailed him in the nose by accident >.>...i babysitted this afternoon, random kids from down the street. random said kids saw me make out with alex in my roooommm...>.>...really making outtt...stupid kids...i must have played every game known to man withthem and hide and seek, and then they wanted to go outside and i almsot killed them. it was like being the guy from big daddy. it was creepy. i can't think of anything right now, but i'm sure i've got some more stories once i remember them...
let me wake up in your arms
hear you say it's not alright
let me be self dead and gone
so far away from life
close my eyes
hold me tight
and bury me deep inside your heart
all i ever wanted was you, my love
you...all i ever wanted is you, my love
your're all i ever wanted, just you
let me never see the sun
and never see your smile
let us be so dead and so gone
so far away from life
just close my eyes
hold me tight
and bury me deep inside your heart
all i ever wanted was you, my love
you...all i ever wanted is you, my love
you're all i ever wanted, you, oh my love
you're all i ever wanted, you, my love
that's the way it's always been
my heart stops beating only for you baby
only for your loving
all i ever wanted was you, my love
you...all i ever wanted is you, my love
you're all i ever wanted, you, my love
you're all i ever wanted, you, my love

...bury me deep inside your heart:him

...-rubs eyes profusely-...fuck. this day's been so long it's not funny. i didn't think i'd still feel like crap the next day, but i did...and my ass hurt on top of that...alex had stayed home the other day 'sick' so he could make sure i was alright. bad idea. i never took my meds, but i did fall asleep in the tub only to have someone wake me up as i was slipping into the water. i called danny and had asked him to get my some alcohol despite my previous commands for him to never get me around alcohol. i drank an entire fifth of vodka and collapsed on my bed...i woke up to having alex watching me sleep, and when he asked me how i was doing...i told him to go to hell and i'm not sure why i said that...he ignroed it and i wasn't drunk, so...i fell back asleep, and oke up to my stereo playing him, my razorblade romance cd...my room was dark...my door closed...my windows long been uncovered, save for the black curtains and blinds...i have this tree outside my window a few feet or so away, and as the moonlight came through, it danced around my room...outside i knew it was cold, and damp...and how dead to the world i was, and how dead the world was......i grow tired of lingering around...
111203 - there's a lot for me to write down right now. i don't really have the time nor the will to do it. i'm very scared. things have gone well mostly and ihad a very interesting and wonderful birthday, the first i ever had. everything has been great. right up until last night. last night wasn't that different. i ate with my family and my lover/my best friend/my partner in crime/that sort. everyone was happy, i was really fucking happy. i did the same thing, i watched the tele with them, my parents went to bed, me and alex spent 'quality' time if you want to call it that, and it was interrupted...a boy, or i should say...a guy or man, someone i met when i was...someone i met at the hospital a while ago, he was there to see the doctors just like i was seeing the doctors, and he had been scared, except, he had aids...he had been in a mental hospital for trying to kill himself, he couldn't accept that he had it or that he was dying. we became good friends. we've been friends for awhile, and he's who i've talked to about it all when i couldn't talk to anyone else...i guess it's easier to do it that way, since we're both dying. we had bracelets we had bought together, friendship ones from the mall, from claires, and even though i never talked to him every day or saw him either, i loved him and cared about him, because i knew how he felt. we were both so lost and afraid of what was happening to us...last night he called me, he told me...'mike, i don"t think i"ll be alive tomorrow', and i was like 'well...how?'...and he asked me to come over. he wouldn't let his family take him to the hospital, but he was popping pills like crazy. and he's had to take so much mroe than me. he's taking at least 4 regulars, tons of vitamins and pills to keep his blood up and alive...he's bled so bad before, and he has some of the diseases and stuff...he was always so happy to see me and talk to me and give me a hug and go 'hey! we did it, we"re still alive!'...and all......-wipes face-...last night we had a good talk, some good laughes...we didn't say what was happening at all, even though he knew he...he was a few years older than alex, really handsome guy despite some things...like some of the legions that had been on his neck, or some bruises from him falling......i think my heart broke last night when i was laying down in his bed with him, laughing to roger rabbitt and holding him and just...being close for then...'thank you so much mike for coming over...means so much to me'...his family, his mum and sisters had come down he had said, and they were at this hotel or something, his apartment wasn't big enough for them...he left me the numbers, not wanting them to see anything happen...robert...rob...bob...bobby...my bobert booger...brain...his breathing, was husky after awhile, and i tried to keep him comfortable, and just help out...he died...hugging my chest, his head laying over my heart, watching roger rabbit...the last things he had said were a few laughes and coughs...and that he was so greatful i had been his friend...i didn't realise he had stopped breathing...until i had asked how he was doing, if he wanted something to eat...he hadn't been gay, or born with it...he had just been some unlucky guy who had made a bad choice...someone who was a bit tipsy in college...he ended up studying in college to be a doctor...he hadn't wanted to die...i called, the hospital and told them a young man had just died from aids, i called his family at the holiday inn...and then...i called alex to come and just...i cried until the family came, then they cried and i looked over them as the head male figure, and they didn't know me other than his friend...i cried when they left to follow the ambulance...i cried when they picked him up and all...alex was the final person that came through that door...i bawled...i didn't think i would stop crying...i can't believe i had lost robert, then i couldn't believe what had happened, that it's going to happen to me...i'll be the one with ragged breath, i'll be the one in pain and wincing, the one who looks so sick they want to cry...it's going to be horrid, so much more horrid than his, and his was just...unbearable...he was even healthier than i am now...i had to drive home on my own, sicne we had two cars...and it was around five am...i had gone over around 12...when i got home, my parents were both waiting up for me, my mum hugged me first, kissed my forhead and cheek and squeezed me, telling me everything will be fine, that she loves me and that if i need to talk she's there. my dad hugged me, but not as long and said 'is everything fine michael?'...and then alex got it out of them for them to go to bed...i had sat down on the chair and buried my head in my hands, he rubbed my back and neck while holding me to him...telling me he knows he doesn't know how i feel, but that he loved me more than his own life, and that he's glad robert had someone like me to talk to about his problems, and that he hopes that can be our situation...i felt like blowing my brains out...or just, fucking them away...i had asked for both, each one being declined...i got on the net...i wanted to talk to josh...then i felt...i felt like not talking to him, because he wouldn't grasp what alex did...it wouldn't have helped me...alex got on for awhile off and on, my parents used the net later this morning...but between that and him...i managed not to get a gun or blades or anything...i did get alex though...i felt better and i...and then i didn't later during it all...thinking about robert, thinking about aids...i made alex use everything and anything to be safe...i forced myself to do it...it hurt losing robert...i don't know what would happen to me if i lost alex like that...i will say though, that it probably would have been a better choice if we had done everything at a normal pace...i told dani and he was a bit like alex, just without all of the forever love crap...he knew i was on a suicidal trip after that happening...that it torn me open, and left me like an open wound...idunno...i think i'll go back to bed before i lose the chance to do so...
021203
...well, it's been a couple days, so to speak, and nothing important has happened worth mentioning. my doc evidently gave my mum the medication for when my stomach works up, she told mehe thinks i have a disease, maybe something severely wrong with my intestines, i might need surgery if it doesn't discontinue. my parents have rarely been home lately and i don't really know why, although i'm sure it's work related. i saw uhm, james the other day, ish...aok, i saw him sunday night when me and danny and ethan went to binge on coffee and ahve a good time. we had that good time, but i ended up leaving with james. we ate out at some restaurant, something ethic, idunno, but it was edible. i've come to the conclusion that i'm just a plain out dumbass at this point, because i went ahead and spent the night with him, i only got in a few hours of sleep somewhere afterhours. i'm pretty sure he has claw marks in his back from me, i almost tore his sheet between my hands, i his dog barked constantly in which we had toi lock the bastard outside. god...the dog just barked and barked and barked. he couldn't just sleep, no, he had to bark at the noise. i had to turn right around after i woke up the next day and take kelly, who had fallen asleep at my house, to school, i ended up staying with her. i didn't even get in a shower. she kept looking at me, making insinuations about where i had been, and in the middle of one of her classes i just burst out asking her how bad she wanted to know. i embarrassed her hardcore, and it's her fault. she kept saying i got laid, she asked me why i was so flushed, and this and that and i was so tired i was on the brink of smacking her. she eventually asked me what happened, and in lunch ilet her have it, i detailed every little tiny bit that happened, i told her everything and she was bright red, and she had asked me, so i told her. i was being a bit too blunt for my own taste though, especially for the subject. although, saying the words dick, blowjob, anal fuck, and the like very loudly, did get me stares. i think when i was done i asked her if it was sufficient or if i needed to show her what i did, and i think she said yes, whatever it was, she ended up leaving school early with me and we went to her house, which isn't a zillion miles from my house like james, alex, pat, jeremy, and the like. i swear, she had to be the most paranoid, nervous, and silly girl i ever met right then. she acted at first like she didn't even know what to do, even though, she was the one that had stayed at my house with some fling of hers. i had to not only remember she was a girl, but i had to keep half my weight off of her. oi...and i suppose for payback, i in turn from that morning, got my share of nails dug in my back, it was like having my cat there even. she kept gigling because my hair tickled her face and chest, and when i tried to tie it up so she'd stop she kept telling me not to because she wanted it down? hell if i know. i did feel weird though, because i haven't been on top of someone in ages that i can remember, nor had to work that hard. i pulled away at some point and she ended up sitting in my lap and just, going at it, and she more correctly defines a bunny than i ever have. although, i'm still trying to count how many times she won, because i think i got jipped on the evolutionary chain somewhere. what did piss me off though out of the entire day and everything i had been subjected to, not even ten minutes after i had finished did she call amy and tell her what she had just 'got to do'. she told amy everything, just like i had told her everything in my case, and when she started talking about how many this and how many that and what's under my undies, i got ready to leave. i ended up taking her over to amy's, like the dumbass i am, got assaulted, by amy, for 'taking advantage' of her since she likes me so much, even though i didn't, i even asked her if she wanted to and she consented.than again, i can go to jail for fucking her, considering she's only getting into being 16. yeah, i even got bitch slapped by amy, in which, if danny wouldn't have come rolling in a little later, she probably would have been tearing my heart out. the whole time kelly was defending me, saying how sweet and caring i was and that it was all aok even if i didn't hang around. danny heard what happened from amy and me and him went to go for a drive, and i told him what REALLY happened, and he said kelly 'had it coming'. i don't think he even cares if i stick around with her, even though me and her pretty much agreed to it. he thinks now she'll leave me alone since she's been with me and all. i'm not trying to sound silly, but i'm really doubting it, because she did nothing but hang ON me when i was at his house, and nothing but touch my hip, or sticking her hands in my pockets, or keeping her hand on my thigh when i was driving, which almost made me wreck my mums car. when i walked her to her door she frenched me and grabbed my pants and when she hugged me, she was grinding my hips and the more i wanted to the leave, the worse it got, i ended up taking her into the house, barely making it to her room. she, is a leech...i went home, passed out on the bed, woke up in the middle of the night and took a shower, and all day all i've done is lazy about. i drew alot too. i think now, i'm going to go order some thai and pray no one comes over, or home or calls or anything. because right now, i don't care anymore, and i also hate myself four times more than i did yesterday...
301103
...i want to write a bit more, because i don't know if i'll ever be getting back on here, or however things turn out. i've had a pleasant day, and i spent most of it at home being what most consider lazy, what i consider i have to do. i got all of the 'getting in shape' done by going for a long walk in the sun. i took my shower too and fixed most of the meals throughout the day. my mum and dad were quite happy and loved the soup i made for the most part. it had a lot of juice and noodles and it was thick, and served it with hot bread and that was dinner. very filling. i spent some time away from my mum in bed trying to sort out my problems and feel better. because quite frankly i feel like shit, and i'm sure i look miserable...i'm really surprised james/alex hasn't called today, because lately they've either come over or called and i've ended up far more depressed and upset than when i began. i can't say i haven't had a nice day, because i have, but it's just one of those days when you know how things are...i did start my day off wrong though, i feel ashamed for doing it, but it's all i could do at the time, i cut my arm. i was so scared of being caught, so fidgety, that i went too deep in some aspects. i didn't do anything else, i just slept after that, fixed food, slept...it's been really cold today too...right now i'm worried about some things, about my family, about where i'll end up with someone, and my health...my health the most because it determines everything, and it's not looking good right now. i mean, in the long run, i guess i'll be aok, but i've lost some valuable mass, i think i'm coming down with a cold or the flu, and that scares the shit out of me, because if get sick there's no telling what could happen. i don't think i could handle it. and i don't want to get my mum sick since she's pregnant...i mean, this afternoon, i don't know what was wrong with me, but i had to run to the restroom, and i spent an hour heaving over the toilet and crying...and i know i've had times when my gums have bled, but they were acting up and i felt even worse seeing my own blood...i know it won't get any easier for me in the next month, but i'm hoping i'll get through it, and b well enough to leave for germany. it would make me really happy to see dani, i'd love nothing more than for him to be here right now, just to go and snuggle with, just something...idunno...

my stomach acted up this morning, causing me to wake up. i think it was even worse than it's been before. i had tried ignoring it, but the more i layed down the worse it got, and at the time, it was just below my stomach. i stood up, i walked around, i finally collapsed in the puter chair and started looking up what was wrong right after i emailed dani, telling him i'd like to talk to him this afternoon if possible. i did that because, i don't think i'll be able to go to germany immediately like i had planned for the seventeenth. so i was going to see, if my parents payed for his flight and everything that he needed taken care of, if he would come here if i couldn't go there. he hasn't had an 'office' job in awhile, doing thigns for people involving webpages and that sort of thing and programming, so that wouldn't be a problem. i really hope he'll agree to that with me, and if not i'll understand. but yeah, back to what i had gotten on for. i saw josh online and had asked him about my mum's stuff for girl things, and that turned out botched. then a little drawn out but i was thankful. by then i had called my doc three times and left urgent messages, because it had only gotten worse. i looked up some diseases that they might have been, and eventually gave up when the pain spread to my chest and the back of my throat. between that and not knowing what was going on, i thought i would have an attack, and that scared me, but i layed down and i called danny, he didn't pick up...i could barely clutch the phone now and i was crying, because it fucking hurt, i had no idea what it was, and all the asprin i had taken earlier wasn't working. i called my doc once more and he picked up and i asked him nicely and politely if he could please come over, that i really needed something right then. he drove over to my house and looked me over, asking me questions and all. and i've already gone to the emergency room once for this, and idunno...i asked what was wrong and he wouldn't really tell me, all he said was he thought i was trying to hard or that it was just a bug, and i told him iread online that my medications might be doing it, the zuridane, or whatever. he just nodded his head and said maybe. he asked me how long it had been going on and how often and this and that, and he was pissing me off some because he wouldn't directly answer me, and i didn't want to yell at him, because he was being so nice and all. he gave me something akin to morphine in tablets, and told me he wanted to talk to my parents before he gave me a bottle of it and all, so that i don't od on it or take it and get addicted to it. so he did that and told me not to worry about getting ahold of him if i needed him, he was just going into the office anyway...so that's that...the pain went away awhile afterwards and i felt better......that all happened this morning, and i also talked to my parents since then, well, my dad actually, and asked about dani coming down to stay with me and he said he didn't mind if dani didn't have the money to do it and stuff and he can stay as long as he wants to and my dad will pay for both of us to go back there because he has this thing with marriot rewards or something. i waited for dani's call and he was pretty excited to hear he could come over and stay for awhile if i don't let up, and i asked him if he would come down anyway and stay for awhile and he was all eager and stuff, it was cute lol. but yeah, he has to finish doing this project first, which should be done this weekend, and he has to tell his landlord and all and see how that goes, and if she's a bitch he's going to get his parents to do something for him. otherwise, it's good to go! so happy...i can't wait to see him, it's been so long it seems, even though it hasn't! oi...if he's here i won't have to be around alex or james or be paranoid to leave my house or leave the door unlocked when i'm home, and we can go out and do stuff and see things, which i haven't been able to do for awhile due to some persons inability to not be lazy. but yeah. oh! i was talking to him about going ice skating, because i never really have that i can remember, or have rarely, he laughed at the idea, boogerbrain. my dad asked where he was going to sleep and stuff, and that did boggle me, so i think i'll give up my bed to him, that or figure out how to use the sofa that opens. i never understood how so i left it alone. i'll get to chill out with him in front of our fireplace and drink 'coco' and stuff, and my mum will love him! my dad is going to go insane with us speaking back in forth lol. oi...my mum is going to stuff him full og italian food, i know it. that or he'll want to teach her that recipe he was telling me about with bratwurst :x icky...hmmm...maybe i can finnaly find out about me and him...i wonder if he still wants to, or if i still could...idunno...i'm going to go take another shower now since danny's pigging out on some leftover lasagna my mum made for dad...
271103
...last night i went out to eat with alex, it seems like old times i thought wouldn't return. i'm boggled as to how this all happened. i'm not with either of the two people as of now, just floating between them somewhere, getting used for whatever their needs say they want. i'm wondering if the way alex is acting right now is an effect to things i've done or said lately. and if they are indeed not, then what am i missing?...i'm not the one that called him names and made his threats, not the one who gave me cause to cry or anything. the last thing i ever said to him before anything even happened was that i loved him, and that was the morning i woke up and everything was fine and dandy. maybe he reacted so harshly to me being upset, because i had gotten the truth, or because i was there and demanding it, and i usually don't demand anything, and i rarely get in anyone's face or aggressive. very laid back in those terms. i wonder if i had acted in a rational manner, if he would have told me...maybe it is my fault. all i've ever done is things to bring someone down, no matter how much i told him how i was, things that could happen...why did he cheat on me this whole time though...i feel like a hypcrite in a childish way, and i suppose i am, but when i did something like that, i wasn't all there, both from being drinking from that club, and because of my mental state. sounds funny and silly and everything else. but i know that wasn't me, if i had been having a good day and calm and all, i would have gone home or fell asleep somewhere. instead i had been angry and depressed, i had been clawing at my hip whenever i could sit down...just excuses i guess, had to be there...i know i didn't cheat on alex lately, because when i gave the ring back and wrote a note, it said i was done with that stuff...regardless of how people have made me feel lately, or tried to, besides feeling warm or having someone to talk to or living in some good moments, no matter what i've said...i've felt a bit empty. i gave back something that could have lasted me a lifetime, and i could have even gotten legal rights between us now in another state...we've always had trouble with him being able to see me in the hospital or to help me out, he's always had to lie or get a friend to help him out and say he was my brother or cousin, or some male relative, instead of who he really was, my partner. i guess it doesn't matter anymore...he's made me happy in the last few days though...the way he's been treating me, talking with me, and he's always telling me where he'll be, in case i need him. i don't think that's the truth, i think he's telling him where he'll be so that i get he's not somewhere else, with someone else. what surprised me was when he said he might be moving out of matt's and in with another friend. when he said another friend, ithought of james. they used to be closer before me. i remember james from when we used to live in that house not far from the school really, and he'd come over and see alex, they'd go out and do some things when he thought he could leave me alone and i'd be fine. then we moved, he left his friends and family and his job that had kept him stable for the last some odd years, to jacksonville. i don't even remember why we moved...he mentioned something about wanting to move to st. louis, so he could be near some other family and we could get away from it all, everything that was causing us problems...i didn't say anything, until i remembered janis. germany. my birthday. i'm leaving soon for those three things. i said that about janis and then...i thought about all the things i've been thinking lately and about something between me and him...i ended up preoccupying myself with stuffing my mouth with food instead. no one but janis knows i like him, no one knows why, except janis...and i said before ithink, or at least thought it, that i'd stay with him in germany if i didn't work something out here. not trying to use him for a crutch to fall on or anything either...my mum wants me to hold off a week though and give myself some more time. so i'll be staying here until around the sixteenth...i'm scared to mess up between us...and then, i'm frightened of something else, and i only think of it because of the doc...between alex and james, at least alex has to be ill now. james should be fine. but i've slept so many times with alex before hand, and due to his family and all and the fact i just didn't give a damn one night, that he'd have to be ill. if he does, i'd stay with him, i'd feel obligated to, just like i would if i had crashed my own car. or broken some vase, i'd feel obligated to fix it...so i don't want to go to germany and get attached or sleep with or anything with dani if i come to find out the problems from my choices here. and james, wants me to stay with him...the last time i saw him, which was the morning before i went out to eat with alex, i felt like...i slept with him, too......i stayed all morning at his house with him, on his day off, just...i felt more degrading than i knew i was then, when we had been, yeah, the doorbell rang...i was tangled in a bunch of sheets breathing really hard, when he went to go see who it was. michael, of michael and bill, or mike or whatever he's called, he had left something over here, and tehy were on their way back up north, and they had come down again to get something else from someone they had visited, and he had passed by the door to the room, and anyone could have heard the breathing down the hall, the house was fairly quiet, he peeked in, and i looked the best i could from the angel i was, and he told me all i was was something to fill up time before james moved back and got his life on track, and this and that, and this and that...i just stared, and he left...james came back, and i was almost like a puppet, excluding half the fake interests i developed quickly to finish...i had gone afterwards to talk with danny, because i then really needed to, and amy was there with some girl, and i had been hugging him in the backroom, just trying to seek some form of advice, and he didn't have any, he said i had to figure it out on my own, and i can't, i just can't, it's way too hard. it's not something i have to do i think, i mean it is...idunno...amy overheard me, because she had been near the door the entire time lingering...she called me a slut...i heard that word repeat over and over in my head. i forgot the possibilities of being charmed into a bed or that maybe i was tricked, because it sure felt like it, or that alex was back around me and trying hard, and also, tricked me, and i know he tricked me...i forgot it all, i just heard that word. i didn't hear danny yelling at her or feel him shake me. i excused myself and left the store, i left and made my way to the parking lot to my mum's car, to elave, to go home, and to either go to sleep or die or something...i just couldn't, be there...he caught me on the way out the main door and told me thigns weren't my fault, that i couldn't help entirely what was happening, that they're grown enough to know and should know that i can't make some decisions for myself and that i'm fucking gullible as hell to affection meant...danny, and ross, they know that too well. it took both of them to figure that out way back when. back then though, i took to it like bees to honey...it's so hard for me to write this down because i know it'll come out incoherent and seem like everything's that's going on is all my doing or that i'm the only one that it takes to fix my problems...but danny knows...danny's the only one that seems to know right know...he gave me the best hug i've ever gotten from him, and he rubbed my back like only my mum could then...i wanted to cry so bad then, i needed to...

i should really learn to write things when i'm not doing something or such. i wrote that around, early, like ten...am...james called, took a shower, got picked up after i told my mum over the phone to have a nice evening with dad and stuff, we went and got 'lunch' at uhm...i really have no idea, wait, subway, yeah...interesting though. we went to clean up work some and make sure everything was locked down, and that the bushes outside were covered for the night. somewhere between there and talking about danny, i ended up back at his house watching the tele and drawing. i fell asleep drawing, woke up in a bed when i realised i had to use the restroom...i used the restroom, and my shirt was gone, my socks, my shoes...there was one of his on the floor, so i put it on, i grabbed my smokes and some shoes, and i left for a walk. buddy barked when i opened the door, so i put his leash on and took him with me. i must have walked for an hour, despite the cold, and boy was it cold, my teeth chattered and my bones rattled. the only thing warm was my fingers on my left hand from my ciggie. i didn't stop walking until i reached this elementary school, and even then i found a hole in the fence and got on a swing and swung, letting the cold air rush in my lungs faster. after i ran out of smokes, and the air got too much for the thin button up, i walked back the way i came, with a lethargic dog trailing in front of me. james hadn't budged, and the dog pretty much collapsed by the fireplace somewhere, so i took a bath, a really hot one and fell asleep, hugging the side of the tub...i woke up swallowing water, choking, and got out quickly, sort of scared...i hadn't slept long, i just dozed off, i was still on the floor when he came in to use the restroom. he commented on how tired i must have been, that i shouldn't stay on the tiles, this and that. i backed up to when he mentioned i must have been tired out from earlier...i hadn't done anything to be tired, i just napped out drawing because it had been so cozy and dim lit...he said a few things, and i tried to remember if i had played hackie sack or something, and then i remembered what i'd gotten myself into. when i woke up from the tub, it had to be at least nine, and it was, nine ten...i repeated things with him from earlier, and from the day before or so...i shouldn't have, i really shouldn't have. but i couldn't really help it. i was being payed attention to, i was being listened to and getting response on things i asked about, someone cared, someone took the time to understand, even alittle, someone said endearing things to me...i believed it all, even if none of it was true...i just want something to believe in...anyone could have said or done what james did and i would have given in, because that's all i really want some times...i don't want to be alone right now...i know i've always loved being alone and in control and independent and this and that...but i don't want to do it anymore...i've been there...it's hard, it's cruel...i gues that's foolish. i have my parents, they're there. i have my friends, they're there...i hate longing for pointless things. i'll only get hurt, i always do. i hoped too much, someone died, i gave too much, they left me, i gave too many second chances, they left, and now...i acted like a child, and i'm losing it...i'm confused, and getting lost...i always lose someone, somehow, someway, and it's always my fault...maybe if i cut my hair like a regualr hair cut and wore the all american boy's clothes and shoes and acted all fake, maybe someone would stay with me...but that's giving up who i am for something else...i could never do that...i told james i had seen alex in the last few days and spent time with him, and he told me he knew. he knew i had...he had seen alex the day before at work...they both know i've seen both of them lately...i asked why someone didn't tell me and he said he didn't care, i'd figure it out and pick one of them eventually...i gave up trying, i went back to being a doll. the next day, when i saw alex at my house, who was waiting for me to talk about this and that, about music around town and soem friends, i ended up on the sofa with him, even after i had asked if he had talked with james...i went right back to beign a doll...i felt used somehow...he wouldn't even use anything when i asked him, and nicely at that...i hurt after that, both on the inside from conflicts, and the outside. i haven't hurt that much in awhile...i wanted to carve screams in my arms then...i felt used....FUCK......i took the hottest shower ever since i had lived in jacksonville. it should have burnt my skin off, but it wouldn't even get rid of the mess i was or that was on me. i still felt everything and i felt disgusted...i felt so sick the rest of today with him...everytime i looked at him i swear he was thinking something else when i was talking to him. he was already making insinuations like kelly does to me now. when we were sitting down at a table getting lunch he went too far and wouldn't even let me get up. so i dealt with it, nothing else to do. i couldn't even walk around with him most of the day, while we went to the mall or to various stores. he ended up in one of the dressing rooms with me, almost got caught. i just....i couldn't walk around at all. i felt so ashamed, and embarrassed as hell. i escaped long enough to find time to run to the mens room. i should have gotten caught in there if anything...i tried so hard to claw the skin from my hands with the water and soap...i just wanted to rip it off the bone......we went by starbucks, and there was a line and it was packed, so we went to starlite, and if i hadn't have found pat talking to philip i would have ended up doing something again i didn't want to do at all in the first place...i even went so far as to tell pat what was going on. he took me by ht, because i told him i needed to stay where they couldn't find me, and danny was off then, so i missed him...i wasn't about to go to danny's and find kelly or amy, both bad for me...when i was on the brink of crying he offered to let me stay at his house with him and k. they went out a while ago to get coffee together, so i think i'll leave now and go to my house now. as long as no one knows i'm home i should be fine...

i couldn't find my real journal, and that kind of worries me, but i guess this'll do. i came home last night and my parents were home. they had a great time for thanksgiving dinner, and also met up with the bornhorsts ans some other couple they knew. my mum also had some good news that she's been meaning to tell me, she's officially pregnant, and if all goes well, the baby should be due around august some time. i didn't want to bring her down or anything, so i waited until she asked me what was wrong/going on since whenever. i didn't really see them that much in the past few days, since they've been meeting up with people from work or around to tell about her good news, and just thanksgiving day i didn't see them at all that i can remember. my dad updated me on his class a little more and he's doing extremely well on that. the last class he had currently, they had some gay men and lesbians come in and talk, and the time before that they showed a video about hate and what it does and what happens sometimes when things get extreme. he told me that made him cry watching it because of me. my dad didn't really know about someone though that i thought most people did, and that was this michael guy from texas, and it happened way back when. but he had been at a pub and got a ride home, which was offered by these hicks, and they were driving along...they were driving along and they stopped out in this little area of fence...they beat him, really bad, and left him to die...i'm pretty sure that was his name, that or matthew...he hugged me last night and said how sorry he was and how much i meant to him and this and that and that he'd never hurt me again. that class is breaking him down though, and they better build him back up or i'll kick their asses...something that makes me proud though is uhm, lol, my dad found this thing on day downtown at some shop, and it's the rainbow triangle, he stuck it on his car mirror in the front!...he said he wants a rainbow bumper sticker saying something about 'my kid is blehbleh'. i don't know if he was fooling around, but it was funny. we helped my mum fix dinner, which ended up being taters, lots of veggies, rolls, and my fake veggie burgers. my dad wofls those bitches down like no tomorrow!...heh...i went to bed early, or supposedly, and my mum came in later on to drop off some of my clothes she washed, sat down on my bed, eventually laying down...all i could get out for awhile was 'they know, they both know'...and i swear on chris's grave i wouldn't pull some bullshit like 'they used me' unless i really believed the shit. and i swear, they have/did, are...i can give some leeway for james, but alex should know how i am, should know this is hard for me...i'm just sinking...i was shaking so bad telling my mum everything, and she was angry, and i thought she was angry at me, so i kept saying 'sorry i'm a slut' and all, and she told me i wasn't, it wasn't my fault 'altogether', but i didn't really hear it...she's mad at them. i told her how i had tried crawling out from james before and i couldn't, how i had asked alex to shove off when i was 'shopping' in public, and how i had asked him to be careful, they ignored me, 'it"s ok'......my mum had been hugging me, and she asked me about the scars on my arms, which have died out to just pink lines from what they were a while back. i layed on my back and i showed her the ones i put across my stomach one night, and some of the ones from where i made bird's feet showed around my pj hem...she put one of the sweaters she had just washed on me and tucked me in and left after looking very sad...i layed in bed wondering what to do with my life...so much was going on now. i'm stuck between two grown assholes, my mum's pregnant, my dad's getting better and more open, i'm getting sicker, and am on teh verge of pneumonia as is...reminds me of a while back, when my stomach was upset...i coughed, and all that came out was blood, splattering against the palm of my hand...it hadn't come from my throat, it just had been from my mouth...i remember asking myself how something so deadly could be hiding in my blood, how i couldn't see it or hurt it...my mum was scared i had anemia after that...the doc was too...my dad had answered the relatively loud knocking at the door, and it was alex...i was scared and anxious, so i grabbed random articles of clothing and shoes and all, and i ran for my mums room and climbed out the window...i ran until i fell down holding my chest, long enough to put my shoes on and a jacket...i ran straight for richard's house. he didn't want me to get a warped neck, so he let me stay in his bed, after i threatened to rip off his dick if he so much as advanced on me. he reminded me of the time in gym when we lagged behind the rest of the class to test gravity...descriptive fucker =| i woke up missing my clothes in the middle of the night, having to use the restroom...i shook him awake asking where they went and all he mumbled was 'you looked hot, go back to bed'...i shook him harder to wake up and he leaned on his elbow and asked what the hel was wrong with me. 'you punk, where'd you put my clothes', 'you were burning up, so i took them off', 'my pants? =|', 'might as well take it all off boy', and at that he patted my front through the cover, and i turned over and made a dividing wall with it. he tugged my hip close and told me to be careful 'making offers', i told him to go to bed, and he laughed...i woke up awhile ago and got on here since he was gone, to either work or to hunt down his g/f. i talked to josh a little bit, don't know how that went...i got off to take a shower i'll regret later, i know...i think i'll borrow richards skateboard and make my way home, my mum's probably worried sick about me, and i don't want that for her. i just hope when i get there, there's no surprises, and i'll be fine, and my family will be fine...ithink i've figured something else out about being around james and alex...i don't remember being able to say no...i hate that...
231103 - morning
my mum and dad just woke up and kelly, ethan, danny soon afterwards, and amy by chance, are bringing me breakfast this morning before i go this afternoon. danny told me over the phone he understood how i felt right now and that i was nervous, so he said he'd bring over some friends to cheer me up. i have no idea what they're bringing, but i hope it's big and filling, because i'm starving. danny's also going to go with me to the hospital, and even took the day off so he could do it. 'sick', yeah right. we had gone together the other day to talk with james and to tell him where i was going, and he said he wouldn't be able to get off work to go with me, but that he wish he could have. danny was edgy and snapped at him that he would take me, since 'asshole' [pointing at james], wouldn't go with me. he went on saying how it was funny he didn't have time to go do something important with me, but that he can make time to go for a quickie in the 'backroom', or to take me home and get in my pants, or for five minutes in the bathroom, etc...he went on and on and was embarrassing him. james was telling him to quiet down and that it wasn't true and he really did want to go, and danny just got in his face and told him 'fuck you', and preceded to walk off tugging on my art bag...i don't really care who's going with me, but if i get bad news, i would really like someone there to hug, and if good news, someone there to see i can do something right and get better, someone to be proud of me for five seconds, which seems like forever to me. idunno...i'm really scared, shitless almost...i wish i could do something right...

well, i'm back. well, i've been back since around two this afternoon, but yeah...it turns out whatever they took dropped some, and it really shouldn't have done anything, so i go back in wednesday ish to talk with someone about how i've been living, about the meds, how i'm doing health wise, and stuff...and he mentioned stress...boy is that an understatement...it's not a whole lot of loss though. it's just hard for me to grasp, considering the jobs of what i take is to slow down replication and put it near null. he told me, the doc, that he was a bit worried that they might have to take me off of what i'm on, and i'm on the strongest thing they've got, trying to make everything slow down and stop almost...that means i'd have to quit for awhile and start back up and by then i could get sick and i would have to wait longer, especially since it's the cold season, i'm bound to catch pneumonia if i don't watch myself. i get a little shakey just when i get paper cuts...idunno...he was really proud of me for taking in an effort to gain some mass on my bones, and wants me to come in on the same day if i can a little early so he can check things out and see where everything stands, like my heartbeat, which used to stray towards being irregular alot, and to make sure i'm not gaining a load of crap. i asked him about wasting, and he said he could get me to take this test, which i now know is the same i took for my stomach/intestines, so they might do that. idunno...danny sat through most of it with me until i had to undress and let the doc check my back to see if it was curving or anything and to check my skin for any of the infections he told me about. he wanted to be sure i wasn't getting worse than he thought i could. it was odd, i didn't feel so weird as i once did with someone i didn't know too well touching me, unlike my first visit to a doctor, i fucking freaked out completely and had to have alex hold me down just to get the blood out of my arm. but yeah, and he wasn't like alexes dad or any of the other guys i had been to, who had sort of rough handled me at the time. my mum changed the last doc i visited because he had went out on me and did a zealous thing saying i was going to hell, and this mind you when my mum picked me up. not a good idea on his part. but no, he's really nice and considerate and all, so it's good. he almost didn't let me leave though, because he was prodding my soft sides under the ribs and i felt like biting his head off, it was really sore. he asked me if i had been jogging or playing sports, and technically i have, but not anything technically legal anywhere...and i talked really low because i thought he was going to yell at me, fairly intimidated...and he sat down next to me with his clipboard and said i had to be careful or i'll only make things worse, asked me what i had been doing, so i told him, he said he wasn't surprised. he gave me this booklet, had some phone numbers and web links on it, and it's about how to have safer sex after you've contracted hiv, and he gave me some other things to take with me when i left, and i'm supposed to call him, his cell, if something should happen or the muscles in my stomach won't let up on me. he told me finally that i wasn't doing anything wrong, and that i might just be sore from having muscles and using them at all, which is true, because my arms have been sore lately, as well as my upper legs from walking alot...yeah...danny dropped me off at home, and that was delayed because alex was sitting on my doorstep, waiting for me, and him and danny almost got in a big fight, in which i got a bit hurt trying to keep them apart. i cooled danny down and got him in the car after i gave him a hug, and he said if he came by tomorrow and i was in pain he was going to kill alex, seriously...everything was so...good...seeing him, being around him, everything...he hugged me at first, like he had the day after i had met him...he treated me like, he used to, before all the tiny arguements or all the hodgepodge with me and being ill in every way...he talked to me in that old school tone of his, laid back and positive, asked alot of questions about how i'm doing, that he called my mum awhile ago, a week ago maybe, and heard i was going to the hospital, that i changed the day, and was wondering how that went. he was concerned...so we decided to go get some coffee from starbucks and to go for a walk like we used to, just like we used to when he was trying to get me to open up, and not be afraid anymore...we sat on thsi old bench and drank our coffees, and i told him how everything went at the hospital, and said that was really good to ehar all that he told me, that he knew i'd be fine no matter what anyone told me. i was sort of greatful he hadn't been hanging on me at all, or trying to hold my hand, and even kept his distance, even when we were walking. he said he's missed me alot lately and has been having trouble keeping focused at work, which is boring as is and doesn't help the problem. he's been knocing his head trying to figure out how to fix things between us, and everytime he has he's wanted to break down and cry and give up because he realises how bad he's fucked up...idunno...when we went back to my house it was fairly early and my parents were either at work or out, but not there anyway, so...yeah...i didn't love that fact...but, we went and saw gothika instead, and that was good, my second time seeing it. i'm just glad thsi time no one was in the theatre and there were no girls screaming, but then again, we went when people were at work technically. so we got to prop up in the back row, and i ended up using him for a pillow and using the seats as leg rests. i tracing his hands and sung a song from 30 seconds to mars, and he told me under his breath he loved me even if i didn't love him anymore...and i didn't know what to say, other than i didn't stop loving him, i was just hurt. and...i sort of forgot there was a movie, it didn't matter to me a whole lot...and he looked at me, like whoa...and...he moved my head to rest on his chest and just, looped his arm to fit snugly under my arm. i knew that sort of moment, it's like a truck hitting you and you going, oh yeah that. instinct?...when the movie was over and i had stopped to catch the time and to have a smoke, he asked me about going over to the house and stuff, maybe eat something or watch a movie, play some video games, so i said sure. and i said it like i knew what it meant, even though it didn't mean anything at all. idunno, we didn't eat or play video games or watch a movie, bricks out the window to me. instead i dressed down like i would walk around my own house when no one's home, and hugged him into a nap. i didn't do anything with him, i just slept, although, he woke me up shaking my hip, asking if i was aok or not, because i felt like i had a fever, so i leaned over him to reach my bag and crammed half a handful of asprin down my throat, regardless if i had a fever or not, and just snaked into the crevice of him and my bed. he told me when i woke up that i didn't look like a child sleeping like he had said to me not long ago...and said i looked this and that when i had my hands buried under my chest and my hair everywhere...he traced the bones in my shoulders and collar...idunno......the other night, uhm, tuesday i guess...i was really sick, or in pain actually. i felt like i was going into labour or had major cramps in my uhm...muscle, pc something at my hips, and on both sides, and then both sides next to my diaphram...alex helped me lay down and it hurt some, but he kneaded the spots with my dads bengay, hah, and that helped some, but i couldn't sit up or stand up or anything, it was horrid. he wanted to take me to the hospital when i bit my hand, and i ate some asprin then too. i was seriously contemplating eating my mums midol, even though i probably can't. before all of that crap i had been home alone most of the day drawing a few kommissions and trying to take it easy. i got myself worked up somehow later on and was going to call alex to come over, then i realised how low that was, then i compared it to my alternative and was confused on what to do. i mean, i had already brushed my mum by accident reaching for the pita bread on the top shelf, and she knew about it, unfortunately. so i'm pretty sure she knew why i took a shower. i'm greatful for cold water, but damn i have to pick cold water on a cold day =| dumbass. after that and a warm shower though, and a mini nap next to alex, i felt better. he stayed for dinner and stuff too, so that was nice. good thing my dad and mum decided to eat by themselves...hmm, and today, wednesday, i went to the doctors to see this and that, and i talked to my doc, which was surprising, and he was really nice and said really positive thigns that motivated me. i asked him about my stomach and i took off my shirt and he prodded me and pushed me and everything, and asked me what i had been doing, and honestly all i've been doing is walking around and sleeping, occassionally driving a bit. nothing else surprisingly. he asked me about eating and all, and i found out i was mostly right, i'm gorging myself and it's all got nowhere to go, so, my stomach was expanding to accomodate things, that's my diaphram that was being pushed on, and my pelvic muscle thing hip, he thinsk that's from my intestines or something akin to me 'excercising'. he upped my meds for the xanax to the next level =\ right after i explained my situation to him. he told me to stop drinking the sodas for the reaons i was drinking them, and to not eat so much and to sleep more, and to generally stay calm for awhile nstead of worrying like mad about things i can't control. he wants me to really step back away from both of them and to take time out for myself and work on my health...he told me he wasn't happy with my test results, but that he won't change my meds right now and told me to do what i've been doing.i asked him how long he thought i might live, and it hurt for me to say it, to even ask such a thing of someone to tell me. and i know he doesn't know, but i asked for a guess, and he said 'i can only hope you can live your entire life out'...he didn't answer me...danny picked me up after work and took me to his apartment, and kelly and amy and darby and stitch were there and were asking about me, had kelly hanging on me. she kept making insinuations and motions to me and everything, and i was getting annoyed and upset, and i stormed off to danny's room, and i went out saying people just wanted in my pants and thsi and that and no one cared about me. 'i just want to see what underwear you have on!', his joke... i told him it wasn't funny and all and kelly just went on hitting on me and playing with my hips, swaying them to some fucked up music while i attempted to down a smoothie darby gave up on. i pulled on her and told her, pointing at kelly, what i was going to do if she didn't stop, and i don't think kelly cared much...i stormed out upset with her, majorly pissed off. amy, got mad at me for storming out and i was somehow, a dickhead too? yay?! danny said for them to get off their horses and they snapped at him. he took me home and went back to work to blow off steem in the backroom, he said he was going to anyway. it was fairly late in the afternoon when i was getting home. my mums machine had messages on it for once, one from my doc about some more tests i took, one from my mums doc, one from my mums coworker i guess, one from my mum saying she'd be late getting in, and one from my dad saying he'd be by later to pick up clothes, but that he'd be rushing for a plane to new york. he has to fly up and do some sort of meeting with some men about some thigns the guys fucked up. said he'd be home later on tomorrow for thanksgiving, which my parents were going to either go out for or meet up with some other people. i told them i didn't want to celebrate due to the fact i can't eat one thing in the entire setting, so i'll probably stay home and sleep if anything...i fell asleep on the sofa drawing, and i woke up to the knock at the door after it started to annoy me.it was alex, and he had food...he was hoping i hadn't eaten yet, mmm asian food. anyway...we ate and watched some movie with drew barrymore on the tele, something that was just...odd...kittie had settled between my legs on the floor with me, doing my indian style sitting, oh yeah. well, my lap, but he was trying his damnedest to get my food, so i shared and he didn't like the noodles much. somewhere between the movie and talking with him, i got up and took a shower, and he was falling asleep on my sofa, it looked, so i moved him with the good intentions of not letting him get a stiff back or a crook neck. he fussed about me touching him and not having to be so nice and this and that, and i told him it wasn't a problem considering i was attempting to help him and be nice and i didn't care about touching him or not. i had been leaning with a hand on the back of the sofa and moving his foot, and he pulled me down. i didn't realise exactly what happened until my mum pulled up in the driveway. i of course, got up like a bolt and went out to help her with groceries when she honked the horn. even though she was polite to him, i know she didn't want him there. so...she went to bed early when she found out we ate already, and said she was tired to cook anyway...about an hour later, i had been doing something simple, i was falling asleep in the chair, and was pretty much passed out until he moved me and slung me in my own bed. we had only been laying down, and i was getting back to lala land, and he started kissing my neck and stuff...i woke up, a few hours ago, sore and tired, and i think i just fucked up my situation more than it already was. congrats -mike-...fuck...
201103
well...hell...-belch-...hmm...i went out and got trashed and boy is that a statement. what happened, originally, is, me, danny, and danny's little posse got together, since everyone made time to be off, and they went and bought alcohol, me being the only one underage. so, we had this backseat of one of the cars, fills with backbacks of smirnoff, wine coolers, mike's lemonade, skkyblue, and whatnot and a big cooler of other shit. we had everything, even those stupid chocolate shitty drinks. and we had vodka, god yes...and tequila. i stoleded the vodka, i did i did. anyway, we went back to the house and had a mini party, got fairly drunk, i was buzzed with some other guy, so i drove a car over to starlite, because i needed something in my stomach, so i got a shitload of coffee, and some veggie wrap. so, if i was going to get drunk, i might as well keep it all in unless i'm pissing. we were having a dandy time sitting in the parking lot, one of the guys, i want to call him eric, but i know that's not his name, he was a big goofball, so it was nice. but upon me going to get more coffee, in an attempt to sober up, which never happened, james...fuckfuckfuck...i ran into james while he was delivering a plate of food. he came out with me and had a few drinks and asked if i wanted a ride home, and he was looking at me funny and i think asking danny if it was aok, danny, gone, so gone, said yeah. fucker. so i agreed, only after 'borrowing' a backpack of smirnoff/raspberry wine coolers. when we got to his house, i proceeded to get drunk off my ass, that includded the bottle of vodka that was in my art bag. i was fucked up, good shit, bad to drink fast. i learned that the hard way, the quicker the liqour goes down, the more fucked up you are, hence, i was fucked up...but i wasn't so much fucked up i didn't realise some things, or remember them. i did. i know, somehow i got real easy, and i fucked james or was fucked or something, repeatedly...but idunno. i know i only messed up my plans doing it all. and instead of doing the cuddly thing i had gotten up and took an icey shower to wake up, and walked around and settled on laying on the living room floor. a long long time afterwards, after i had snoozed a wee bit on him, i was eventually on the net talking with a bunch of people and finishing off my supplies with poptarts. i had been talking for awhile and josh came on, and he didn't know james was reading everything i typed, or that he was in a sheet for that matter. he kept tugging on me to come with him everytime josh avoided talking about sex with me, saying he was shy and whatnot. blah blah. i spent the day sleeping off the oncoming hangover. next day i spent time with kelly in bed again after i had stumbled upon her and amy laughing at porn and eating popcorn. amy got upset at her for leaving her to watch it alone, so i ended up laying down with both of them, except amy was the more clothed of the two, extremely...amy left after kelly had made some sounds. kelly wants me to get some more piercings and to redo my ears and stuff. then again, that's all she likes, because she used to tug on my earrings i had left in on the hard part of my ear. she wants me to get my silver hoops that did a spiral on the top of my ear, my nipples for some...odd, reason...and if i did, it would at least keep her fingers out of my mouth from here on out, because she kept playing with my stopper when i wasn't talking in bed. her mum made her take all of hers out, her earrings, her lip ring, which she wants me to get too, and her nose ring. i remember those too...very provocative looking. she's really toned down from how she was dressing awhile back. she was always wearing some fishnets and a skirt or tight pants, makeup, and all...i found out from danny that she stopped because she saw me more, and i hadn't kicked her out of the bed yet. she wears loose dickies, loose tshirts, and eyeliner. she barely straightens her hair out anymore, and i admit, it's rather pretty, but it makes me wonder too...she stopped trying to get in my pants though, which i'm greatful for, she still hangs on me like she used to and makes insinuations when i fail to realise i left open a statement to get fried. she played some hacky sack with me and we wrestled around some. sometime between last week and today i did a bunch of stuff, in which order i have no clue, but i'll guess...it's just all one big blur anyway...i think the day i visited amy and them i spent it with danny, or it might have been the day afterwards, but one of those times i spent time in bed with him half asleep watching the matrix and lord of the rings two towers. both very good movies, and i adore the blonde elf...very handsome, to say the least. it was time well spent. i don't get time alone with danny much anymore. amy's a bit peeved at me, even though i should be at her, considering she made a sharp comment about 'yeah, well, don"t make him walk funny', or something. like i'm going to fuck him or toy with him =| he's pretty handsome and has his own sex appeal and all that crap, but i wouldn't do that for one, and i wouldn't do that two, for moral reasons. and i've known the guy since i was a kid. 'you grew up!', i remember hearing him say when i saw him by accident at ht. i certainly have, that's for sure...plus he's always working or with amy or something...besides tackling him for the remote, when i kept rewinding the dvd of two towers back to the blonde guy, we had a nice talk about random things, and it seems we're both in the shitter, because amy thinks he was going to cheat on her with some slut from a show. when in reality, he wasn't, he had been helping the girl out with money trouble and kicking her b/f's ass for hitting her. and well, i'm always in the shitter for something, whether i know it or not. he thought me ignoring everyone for the most part was a nice idea, even though fucking james sort of fucked that up, and now james probably thinks i'm all for it, when in reality, i was just too drunk to give a damn, not that i don't, but hell...i asked him which one of by flings he would go out with or screw, and he said he'd go out with alex to see how much of an asshole he was, and james to see him without clothes, then he asked if i was an option, since i was already there. and after a moment, which i was a bit wigged out of, he said 'kidding'...today, being the 20th, i went to school with kelly, she's a senior this year, and so far has me set as her prom date even if she has to gag and tie me...then she said she wouldn't go to prom in that case >.>...everyone kept asking if i was her boyfriend or something, and she had told one of the girls something, because she asked me, angela, something which i didn't catch, and i found out kelly had told her she saw me naked, and thensome =| what angela had asked was if i liked this or that, which i dare not write for my mental purposes of staying sane...in fact, i found out everyone thought i was her boyfriend, because according to angela, and a couple others, she talks about me quite alot. scaRY. so i went with it, i held her hand in lunch and did my best to charm the undies off her friends and i already knew i acted way more mature than them, because they giggled when i said some words, or when i was talking to myself in german about how stupid they were acting, or something they had said. her first mod was rather boring, and full of ignorant sophmores, a maths class, in which i could do everything in my head, and ended up disliking the teacher because she treated the students like sheep and talked a southern drawl that annoyed the fuck out of me, quite literally. second mod, economics honours, i got a kick out of that class, especially the teacher, who was the wrestling couch, very funny. her friend in there, carl, kept asking if i was a goth or something, and i asked him inquisitively if he was fond of stereotypes as much as i was at looking at him, and i smiled and said not to take it personally, and he got on better spirits when he looked at my sketchbook, well, one of them. third mod, aplit, i hate, her teacher...it's like she's out of her mind and ignorant too, like a mental old lady, and stern. although, i saw some good eye candy in the class i wouldn't mind getting personal with. she went to trig after that and they did nothing, so me and her kicked back in the library and i caught up on some chitchat with mrs layman, who missed me shitloads. i used to clean up the library for her and take care of the desk so she could go get lunch. she loves me. then we went to lunch and i was forced to suffer through more of her friends, and i'm sure they're good people, but GOD DAMN, they more than personify mallrats with their intelligence and clothing alone. it irks me tremendously. and this isn't an elitist thing entirely, it's experience. and after being annoyed for the final straw, when again, a girl named jessie, a girl who i've met before, she asked, if i was her boyfriend, and i turned to kelly, and her pale cheeks were very pink, and she was looking down. i wasn't mad or angry altogether, but why would someone do all of what she did, talking about me so profusely with others instead of with me. and jessie was still looking at me and asking well...so, i bent a little and got her attention and kissed her chastely on the mouth, nothing i hadn't done before, but i slowed it down, giving her friends a show i guess, and i pulled away, and she looked really confused. i had dug my hand into her dark hair and i french kissed her and pulled on her lip when i stood back up. she looked REALLY confused then. i wasn't trying to toy with her at all, but if she's going to fuck around and say stuff to her friends, she gets bitten for it. it didn't mean anything to me, at all. just like all the kisses i've put to lips before to my friends, just things, nothing more...i walked off in the direction of the soda lady and went out into the courtyard and sat on a bench, crossing my legs and relaxing. i had let my head roll back to just get rid of all the frustration and to listen to the bird i heard and the wind rustle some paper. i lost the peace when she poked me in the gut and asked why i kissed her, and i explained it to her, and she was hurt, but...she asked me if i'd ever do that again or something, and i explained to her my situation and she told me to fuck my situation and talk to her in english instead of running in circles. i told her i didn't know, because i didn't, i told her it didn't do anything for me, that it was fireworks for her show, and that...i just didn't know. she had been sitting on her legs, hands on knees, piercing me with her gaze and words. i knew how she felt, i'd been fucked with in such a case, and on purpose...there's no way i can believe she actually cares more than she says, i just know all she feels has to be puppy love, and it'll die out. at least i'm sure it will. i probably shouldn't have gone and done what i did, for more than obvious reasons, but i kissed her again, same way, just i held her face in my hands. i pulled away when the bell rang and it took her a bit to get it together, but we walked to apeuro, slowly though since it wasn't far, and she held my hand, mostly because she couldn't walk at all, she just wasn't paying attention. i didn't talk to her during her next class, i talked with her teacher, who i got into a heavy conversation with, and found out she enjoyed my company or at least my intelligence a ton over her only sophmore in the class, who was supposed to be the smart one. and he likes her, i can tell by the way he acts and talks to her. and there was more than one time he couldn't get her attention from me for a question. me and her were mostly talking about the philosophes and some french stuff, sicne that's what they were on. she was awesome and funny though, talking about bongs with her students and stuff, about stealing random objects for points/extra credit. that woman shares my humour and cynicism. if only she wasn't married, i swear to god i'd marry her for her personality and intelligence, and she is rather pretty. she met her husband in a liqour store, now that's classic...anyway, we went to marine biology next, and i got caught up talking to her teacher about wolves at one point and about the sea at another, and on the latter, i thought of james, and how he had taught me some things about the sea i didn't know. she was nice too...i spent the latter of the hour with kelly and she was telling me what she knew and was excited, and her friend greg poked at me and asked about kelly, things kelly would probably kill him for, and my mind wondered, it happens...i took her home, then she wanted to go visit amy, who wasn't there when we got there, and if she hadn't have showed up in the fifteen minutes afterwards, i probably would have jumped in bed with her and did the deed. i left then and went home, and my dad was saying james called, and wouldn't stop calling and that he was going to kick his ass if he kept calling when he was trying to do work. so i called him and had to get him to stop, he asked me over, so i went when he came and got me. and we started off good and he fixed some food, and i crashed on the sofa, my legs over the arm, headphones plugged into the stereo, listening to my 13 seconds to mars cd, shirtless because i had spilt coffee on my shirt, randomly petting buddy's head, avoiding his silly and yucky tongue, and it did feel like seaweed. james finished the food, and i finished, and i went back to chillin' on the sofa, comfy as all hell and oblivious of everything. i was planning on falling asleep right there and napping the night away, even though it was about 630...well, that idea was thrown out the window and i had james creep up on me and practically eat my nipple. i tried pushing him away at first, but that idea, like so many others, flew out the window too. and it's hard spoiling good things. so i was a bunny for awhile, unfortunately. i ended up throwing the phone when it wouldn't stop ringing, on the second time. and if it weren't for locks, it would have been very embarrassing at one point...

221103
slept in today and stuff. also went to get coffee alome and stayed til closing, andrew watching over me and my stuff. good guy. i saw one of alexes friends there with pat but didn't do anything...i ended up falling asleep in the chair curled up. apparently there was a fight during that period too, andrew was surprised i didn't wake up, there were fire trucks and an ambulance and police. the guys that got in the fight had taken out two of the huge windows across the street of some clothing store. poor store, they've been struggling for awhile now. but yeah, andrew called james and he came and picked me up and put me in the car, and i woke up upon arrival...idunno...i wish i knew the name of the guy who was singing and playing the guitar lastnight...

i wrote that in the early a.m.s...i had just gotten back from being out all night and wrote that all down. james wasn't really talking to me at the time, not sure why yet, or if he'll tell me...he looks how i feel, that's something i do know...i was wary when i had to get a ride to my house, because he didn't acknowledge me until i started to apologise for not checking in last night or if i hurt his feelings or something...he drove me over and dropped me off, even leaned over and kissed my cheek. my parents weren't awake yet, so i mosied about. i was laying on the sofa watching garfield when i shifted and felt something stab me, and i pulled it out and it was a journal, my dads...i shouldn't read his personal things, but...i found he writes similiar to me, very...the words are delicate and chosen to fit the emans, very sad even...one entry was about him and my mum fighting, and it upset him and made him feel shamed to have sunk to the point of nearly hurting me again...and there were a few entries about his class, and about me. he loves me more than i thought he could...he's very worried that he'll lose me again and i'll leave, he hates seeing me sick and unable to get up, he doesn't like me feeling so bad about soem things...he's hoping whenever my mum is pregnant, that the baby will tie the knot and brign us all together again, and that i'll be able to see the child grow up...he's scared...that i won't make it...today, i was supposed to go to the hospital for my checkup, to get a count on my tcells, to talk, and all...but my mum called and changed it, because i had forgot...i'm sort of afraid to go even...the last time i went and got that test i was just going under the 500 count...and that means i'm not exactly at the beginning of this anymore...the meds should be helping me and slowing it down. when i got my med for my stomach, the doctor was worried that it would botch my haart regime i have...i found out that, after reading the better part of the day, that i might have lost so much weight, because of what i have...it's called wasting, but it shouldn't happen until the latter parts of the stages...but it's just a maybe. and i might have more trouble than i thought if i'm doing bad in gaining weight, because it might not be muscle mass, it'll be fat...but i don't think that's the case, because i feel stronger, after all the jogging i've been making time for, and i'm counting the sex as excercise even if it isn't, that involves just as much compromising as jogging to me. i can lift things and move things around the house i couldn't before and stuff, so yeah...if i find out my cel count is lower, they'll switch my meds again after i'm off of them for awhile. but, i'm going in tomorrow afternoon to do it, and james will be off...so i might see if he'll go with me, and if not, i'm going to ask danny. danny came over around lunch and when it was silent i had started talking about it all. he listened sincerely and commented on what i said, stayed positive, made a couple jokes that made me feel better. he said boyfriends come and go but that no matter what happens, he'll stick with me through this, even if we forget to keep in touch sometimes. matt told me that once, but i know i can believe in danny, and even janis. janis said if i didn't have anyone when it got bad or anyone to take care of me, that he would drop it all to do what he could. but yeah, danny...we watched terminator three together after we talked, that was good. i didn't always feel confident in what matt told me, but even when i moved i talked to him sometimes but i eventually lost contact. amy might get upset about him going with me, but he keeps telling me he doesn't care, because if she cared about him the way she says, she wouldn't bitch about me at all...because i've never wronged them. i read also today before he came over, that i can't handle my cat's litter box anymore because of some infections i could easily get. i shouldn't even have him, but because he stays inside, and he potentially and seriosuly keeps my spirits up, i can keep him. which makes me happy, because if i didn't have him...idunno...kittie's always been there...idunno...i don't mind talking about any of it anymore, because no matter how bad i don't want it to happen, it's going to happen to me anyway. i'm hoping, regardless of how scared i am, that tomorrow will still be good, and have good news...when i was talking with my dad earlier after he got off work, i mentioned seeing his journal, and i asked about the possibility of the baby still...and he thinks this next time around my mum will get it...he heard from her that something's been wrong...and he told me then too, that she and him were surprised, because i came so easily for them, even if by a fling of fate. i asked him if they would be able to go on if i wasn't here anymore...that was a stab...he wanted to argue that i looked so healthy and i was doing so good and taking all my meds everyday, that i would definitely get to see the baby grow up...and that's when i told him something one of the first doctors told me, even thought they said they might be wrong and it was just a guess from what they knew of me and of everyone else...that it's hard to say how long i might live, but that i could live my entire life like i would have and be fine, and might have never crossed into aids...but because of how sick i had been getting beforehand and how long it lasted, and then comparing it to my situation then, a near six foot 115 pound male with past problems of eating disorders and depression and anxiety...he wondered if i would even make it nine years...i'm going to ask the same question tomorrow to the doctor i'm seeing, and hope it's fruitful, because things have changed so much sicne then. i've gained all the weight i originally lost from when i was fourteenish, i'm getting all the strength back i had then too from skating, just energy in general...it made my dad a little blue to hear it, but i ended the conversation on a happy note, that at least i would see it grow up some if that was the true case and that i'd have time to spend with both of them too instead of none...even if that long, i'd hit thirty just about, and that's when i'd go into the aids stage, and that's where the real battle would be near the end of this. all of the internal infections and physical infections would come on and attack me, instead of some of the fevers i get now. plus then, my meds would change and i would probably get more of them to take, and all the vitamin suppliments. i wouldn't just have the three now, plus my intestine med or my xanax, or the protein pills, or the few vitamins i take now. i'd definitely drop weight then and would have to go on several things to keep just what i have on...i'll be fucked then...but if i'm good to go, i can look forward to at least eleven years, and if i'm doing really good by then, a lifetime, and then i can definitely see my little brother or sister, hang out with them, teach them and love them. i hope with all my heart i can see them grow up...it's one of the view things i'm holding on for...lately my depression and anxiety has been setting in, and i see so few things i have to hold onto now...and they won't last...i hope in the next month the meds will kick in all the way and it'll releave some of the stress, it would really help me right now...i think i'll get off of this and go help my mum with dinner...
151103
...tonight uhm...me, danny, amy, and kelly, rode out to starlite, which is a bit out of the way and through traffic at the time we went...we had coffee, we shot pool, we talked and laughed, and somewhere in there, i got stuck talking to james, who had tried repeatedly to get ahold of me, but somehow was busy or i was avoiding him tremendously. i spent most of the night trying to seem like i was with kelly, so no one would approach me about alex, or james, or whatever reason, or even the scars on my arm. i held her hand and kissed her on the cheek often, and paid her alot of attention, and i had told her not to take it all too personally, i just wanted everyone else to leave me alone. she said if her hands roamed, not to take it personally, which i didn't care once i had downed some alcohol, which wasn't mixing with the coffee at all. i taught her how to play pool better too, and the four of us played each other, girls vs. guys. guys won two out of three. only because amy kept hitting my stick...we talked alot, and i ended up talking really personal things with amy, who i ended up hugging for thirty minutes just trying to calm down from where she had worked me up. she told me, that she thought me going back out with anyone right now would be harsh, but that me going out with alex would be even worse. she agreed he's taken care of me, but then he's been a real asshole over the last year as well, he may have reason, but asshole nonetheless. she said he probably can't help me through half the things i go through, which are random and huge. then she compared james, and said he's too old and it's insane he thinks he loves me, because she doesn't believe in love at first sight. she thinks he's half full of shit in liking me. like me, she thinks he'd rather be with someone his health, age, and stature, all of which i'm not. well, stature i take back, my parents are pretty well off as it is...she told me if anything, if i don't go with either of them, not to go out with kelly. kelly is starstruck, her words, and she may like everything about me she knows, but all she really wants is sex...and unless i'm officially dating again, drunk, and don't give a damn about the other person, i don't see this happening. although i came pretty close to it the other night when she was 'spending the ngiht with a girlfriend'...both fairly naked, and one of which was humping the other...yeah...oddness. when i was eventually cornered by james, it was on my way to the loo, and he pulled me out the back again to talk. i tried making excuses and saying i didn't need to hear it all again. we sat on our own crates and stuff, and told him i didn't know how to believe half the things he's said to me. he wants me to give him a chance and see what happens, to let him prove who he is and that his feelings are this and that...i don't know...i might as well toss a fucking coin in the air to see what happens. maybe let them settle this for me, they're calm and rational adults =| somehow i'm starting not to care anymore, i really don't...it hurts like a bitch, and makes me confused enough on how i feel...but it's not like i can do it. i could, but i can't. i feel so caught up in the midst of it all too...he told me he wasn't going to chase after me anymore though, because he said if i actually cared and wanted him, i'd let it happen...and he said the same for alex, in which i started at that how did he know that and shit. i was angry when i was done talking to him, and it was in one big circle, and made no sense. i was probably going to hit him for being an asshole to me, and he was, if he hadn't have hugged me and said sorry...i should have been mad still, i should have wanted to still hit him...but i didn't...the past few days, i haven't really hugged anyone for a long time, and i may have kissed cheeks or held hands...just props. and amy's hugs...girl hugs don't seem like a whole lot, especially when they're smaller than you, well, shorter...just one, big engulfing hug, someone that was just...there......i...i don't remember what he asked me, i just nodded my head. i wanted to hear what was being said, but it's like someone reached in and turned it off for me. all i knew was i was being tugged along. i went up a ladder, that more than likely went to the upstairs of starlite...opened a window. i was a complete dumbass to follow him...dumbass...i must have sat down with him with what seemed like an eternity, and he was still talking between the kisses and him cradling my head...i remember seeing my fingers twined around the loops in his pants, and watching my hands glow almost...i tried thinking aout my mum, my dad, my cat, danny, something to grab my attention for one moment...and they didn't exist. i felt as if i were going through that car crash all over again. i don't even remember doing what i did, i remember sitting in his lap...i remember falling over, but not leaving the room. i woke up this morning in his bed, really warm, but a mess. it was all a mess, i looked around me for a note, only saw buddy on the floor asleep. i stayed in bed, mostly because, i couldn't see my clothes anywhere, not on the bed, the floor, nothing, not even my shoes. i got up to walk to the closet, to 'borrow' some clothes, and i couldn't walk, barely...i, panicked. i ended up wearing a one size too big buttom up and slacks i had to hold up with my fist. i tore up the phonebook looking for the number, and i asked for him over the phone, and when he got on, i screamed so loudly into the phone asking what the hell happened...that i feel everyone ehard me on their end...he didn't know what i was talking about. he remembered everything, he just didn't understand what i was saying. i nearly threw the entire phone at the floor, if i hadn't realised...i called home, no one, then i called amy, and kelly picked up, asking where on earth did i go last night. she said danny searched the entire place for me and i didn't turn up, so they left. amy must have snatched the phone when she heard my name, and she was worried...everyone knows i never leave them unless i tell them at least a place i'll be at, or how to get ahold of me, or a note if i have time. i know people deserve that courtesy...i told her all that i could remember and everything i had seen so far, and she said to either give her the address or she'll go over and kick jameses ass for it. i had to ask her to bring me some clothes, or at least soem of hers. i didn't let kelly coem in the room, but i showed amy...it wasn't 'hey look what i can do'...all the covers were thrown aroudn the room, the lamp was knocked over, the bed's matress was crooked, the bin full of crap...together we looked for my clothes, but they weren't there. the fact they weren't even my clothes to begin with is what pissed me off. she drove me back to their apartment. i took a shower, and they fixed breakfast...i ended up sitting on the balcony upstairs, near chain smoking...kelly came up with a blanket and sat down with me. she finger combed my hair out of my face, kissed my cheek, tried telling me things would be aok...i got up and got on here around 8ish to talk with josh, things seemed good with him. dani came on while josh was on, and i talked to him for a bit too...dani told me to keep calm and not jump to conclusions, and otherwise, make sure i was fine. kelly finally pried me off and got me to lay down with her in bed. i didn't notice until she got closer to me, that she was only wearing a nightshirt. she kept me warm under the covers, maybe too warm, as i talked about what had happened, since i had only told amy...i brought up her being near 'nakey' around me probably was a bad idea and even gave her a list of reasons. she really didn't care...she didn't care about my two...whatever they ares...she cared a little about me sick...when i brougth up her age and that she probably didn't know what she really wanted - that pissed her off. she's just barely sixteen, and she called me a hypocrite for 'going out with' james...i don't even know if i did. ..she said all i was doing was dating people when it came down to it...she left me and i pondered on what she had said, and her accussations...i didn't get anywhere doing that...she came back awhile later, and i asked her if she went to talk to amy, and she bluntly told me, like she was really proud, what she really went to go do...she took off her nightshirt and fell asleep on me...i ended up having to take off most of the covers we had, and my clothes because it was too hot, and i couldn't find the thermostat thing...i even opened the sliding door to the balcony, and that helped me fall asleep. amy shook me awake way later and asked me what the hell i did, and i whispered a 'what the hell do you mean'...and she was pointing at me and kelly, kelly who was still covering me and quite pale from how cold it had gotten in the room, and i explained to her what happened from whati knew, and she scowled at me and commented on further evidence i wasn't aware of. i've come to the conclusion kelly's not very modest...i got up to use the restroom, and my pants, or should i say danny's, were unbuckled and whatnot...i told amy that was it, that she was sleeping with kelly if i end up staying over here another night. she said it was fine as long as i didn't make danny walk funny the next day, and she was angry with me! i didn't even do anything! i threw danny's clothes, all the ones i had borrowed, on the floor and put my old clothes on while walking out the door with my things. i only got so far before danny and jen picked me up. he believed me alot easier and honestly than amy and said amy's just jealous probably, and i asked of what, and he said because she can't seduce him like i can...which i didn't get until he explained that one time in ht i was snoozing in the back and had him trying to hide a hardon from the preteens in the store. all i had done though was talk about amy, which was probably enough for him. they came in for a bit and met up with my mum, who had stayed home a little under the wind, which i hadn't known. i took care of her the rest of the day, getting her juice, damp rags for her forhead, bucket, the works...james called several times...and then i blocked his number...
Love's Requiem

Confusion writhes around our hearts impatiently
It drains the faith that lights the dark and sets us free
From the chains of our war
And the pain we once called love

The poison of doubt enslaves our minds and we bleed
We abandon the trust that kept us blind and disappear
Under the crimson wings of hate
Where the lost are safe until they love again

The heart of darkness is hope of finding you there
And that hope will be our love's requiem

We pray to the serpent of delight desperately
The questions are answered and we try not to weep
Until we are sure
We're suffering for love

In the dungeon of our dreams we're so weak
The promise made to be broken still haunts our sleep
And we won't open our eyes
Afraid we would die for love again

The heart of darkness is hope of finding you there
And that hope will be our love's requiem

The salvation we seek will be waiting us there
In the heart of darkness lonely and scared
With a promise of death for our love

And now that we're free
From the chains of our dear love
I am lost
So lost

The heart of darkness is hope of finding you there
And that hope will be our love's requiem

Take me into your arms
And sing me your beautiful song
Hold me until we're one
And sing me you're beautiful song

today's thursday, i'm at jamesies house, staying here to get better i guess, or until i can walk without a limp 'gimp boy'...twat. i'm sort of sort of not glad i was able to come over and stay. i missed him a good deal and everything, and at least here i don't have my mum fussing over me and trying to check up on me when i'm trying to cool down, which i can't do wearing fucking thick cottoned pjs and a shirt =| no offense or anything in the case...but the downsides is, he's been talking to me alot since i came yesterday or so. i do realise how things work and what i've gotten myself into by now, but then i'm also caught between two people that...are like some people have told me, aren't going to let me go without having their says, much less letting me go, and i don;t understand it at all. danny was sent from james at work, because alex had heard from some girl that saw me in the wreck and from danny and jen, that i was in an accident, and he's really pissed because no one will tell him where i'm at. but he scribbled a letter to me on the back of some paper flier...and it pretty much asked me to tell them where i was at so he could please see me, and please was underlined to where there was a hole in the paper. it said he cared about me and that he missed me...it sounded like something i would have written if i was in a hurry. and when danny brought it by he looked so frightened and was telling me everything, how he looked, how he acted, that he was fighting back yelling and crying because no one would tell him this or that, all they said was i was going to be aok probably. 'he looked like he hadn't slept mikey'...danny helped me get dressed, helped me to his car, buckled me in and all...and i had to fight with him before to take me anyway to see him. 'james won"t like this man!'...james this james that...fuck all of them. just because i was hurt by him and everything, i'm not going to deny him the satisfaction of knowing i'm aok, it's wrong. it's like me with holding someone's child from them hostage. no one has the right to say who can see me after doing that. if i had been in his place i would have done the same, even if he called me names. i care, and he cares...that's enough, right? anyway...danny took me by the apartment, they weren't there, so we went to the house, and they weren't there, so we drove back to the apartment, and i stumbled around looking for where he was working or something, and found a number and his work schedule. and i sent danny in the building to look for him, there was no way in hell i was going to walk all around looking for him. and after awhile, about twenty minutes, he came running out of the building, literally and stopped and danny caught up with him and they walked...i was on the brink of passing out from beign tired...i got danny to back off and go sit somewhere so we could talk. he grabbed me and hugged me to death and i yelped out in pain and he said sorry repeatedly, brushing my hair. he sat on the seat with me, just holding my hand and kissing it. he said stuff like i'm so glad you're alive love, and stuff...i told him how sorry i was for everyone being an ass and not telling him where i was, and he went on saying how it was fine since he was the asshole that cheated on one of the best people around...he told me in a soft voice that he missed me, missed having me around and talking with me, how sorry he was for doing what he did, that him and matt worked everything otu between them after matt kicked his ass for calling me every horrible thing he could...i asked how long he had been seeing matt behind my back, and it turns out he had only done it that once...because he thought it would have been aok, since we had doen things with matt before together, and both apart...and matt's his own person, and alex knows i'm not stupid, far from it...so he said he slipped, he didn't mean to, and before he knew it, there they were and done...he didn't do it anymore afterwards either, matt did sleep in the same bed as him though, clothes and all, and he did kiss him on the cheek, but i don't care about that...and the stunt they pulled at starlite hanging on each other was trying to egg me on to say something, and when i left afterwards sad, he didn't know what to do...i asked if i asked matt would he tell me the same thing, and he said he didn't know...i asked if he tried to sack daniel...and he said he did, several times, almost did when dani was drunk one night until he said my name...i asked one more time about matt, and he said it wasn't the first time, but that he meant what he said...'jesus christ mike, i"ve been asking everyone what happened and no one would tell me if you were even alive'...he never calls me mike...something's changed...idunno...what can i say? at least he admits it?...i can't believe him anymore...i already remember once, way back when i got beat up once and he was out of town taking a shoot for someone, he screwed someone, it's not that i could tell, but there was a note in his film bag from someone saying thanks for the 'great sex' =\...i ignored it though, just hoping for the best...that's also when i was at my lower points, almost dead from refusing food and pretending i was eating...james doesn't seem like he would do that, and both tell me they 'never would'...he won't even look at other people 'like that', that or he pulls off modest half ass like i do...he does make little jokes like the one he gave richard and jared the other night. 'what, think i"d share that easily?'...i'm either leaning heavily on paranoia or i'm really being fucked around with here...so much doubt...i'm tired of being lied to is all. if i go back to alex, regardless of what he tells me, there's this high chance of him going behind my back, and considering he had lied to me while i was in the car, right to my face...and if i go back to james and stay, there's a chance i'm being used because of my age and where i am in life and him leaving me altogether. but either way, i'm going to get fucked over one way or another and it'll hurt. so why go back to either? i don't like either thought...and i honestly can't trust matt anymore, his friendship's been fractured with me for sure...the only people i seriously have now, are my friends, who would kill for me, my parents, and dani...who's half a world away...i emailed him about what happened too, and he was really worried, hyped up on coming immediately to see me and to take care of me if i needed it. but instead, last night i called him and we talked about everything going on in his life and mine, his seemes just as fucked up, because his ex tried to get back with him, and thouroughly trashed his apartment when he said no, and dani kicked his ass for it, got kicked out, had to find another apartment...sucks big time because i know it's got to be hard finding a place over there...but we were talking about james and alex, and i was trying to figure out what to do and he said 'simple, come live with me'...and i started thinking about it, really thinking about it...he hasn't fucked me over, he knows my faults and we know each others secrets, we never yelled at one another or got mad, even when i pushed him out in front of traffic for ripping a drawing on accident, we ended up wrestling and alughing and smacking each other around for it...i got along with alex, but we got in big fights some times...that reminds me somehow when we were in church, the same day we got kicked out, and we were talking about sex, and some kinky fantasies he had, and random things that don't belong in a church. and on my side of the conversation, i was using 'gay' and 'sex' in english, because i'm used to it like that, along with some other stuff that i don't usually use. and when i said something along the lines of him taking on the reverend, he said the guy probably wouldn't like that, but! when the reverend turned and was walking and pointing and reaching for this big cross, he said in english 'he"s got a nice ass', and this old woman turned to us and i said sorry and that janis was from germany, and he patted my pants >.> and said sorry too, then he said 'she"s just jealous because she can"t do it'...and everything that got us kicked out afterwards ensued...i can't talk like that in public with alex, i get caught and smacked by him because, well, everyone can speak english around me =|...idunno...i use the word love sparsely, but i do love dani in some way or another, even if i never attempt anything, i'll love him like family..."cause i was waiting for you, waiting for all my life, and i've been crying for you, dying for you all this time"...nice lyrics...i don't really care anymore, i could live without someone and manage fine, and i'd have the love from ym family and friends, although i'd eventually be kicked in the ass for not being with someone. i already get that from my mum. but if i could find someone that would stay with me, put up with my eccentrics and painting, random bits of sadness and melancholy, and all the other bullshit in between, and just love me and take everything i'm able to give...i would be happy...and i tried that with alex...and it didn't work for some reason..."oh girl, we are the same, we are young and lost and so afraid, there"s no cure for the pain, no shelter from the rain"...in joy and sorrow, my home is in your arms, in a world so hollow, it's breaking my heart...i can't believe james told me he loved me...he doesn't even know me or fathom half the things i've said. idunno...maybe that's why i can always go back to daniel, he's already been where i am and understands it, he's just as sad as i am and able to get by, and loves the darker side of things, while also being able to sit with me up on someones roof and describe how he feels as the sun comes up...i like that alot...i've never met anyone else that ever said they're afraid when the sun was coming up...'why are you afraid?', '...because everything could go so wrong before i even open my eyes'...i love that...i'd love to cradle him again when he's like that, and i remember doing it once after we had been drinking a little, and we were sitting on the ledge of the patio, and he was telling me he didn't want to go back home...and when i told him i didn't want to go home either, he wouldn't let go of me until someone came up...idunno...so much to think about, so many people...alex had tried to take me home after we were done talking, so he could watch over me the rest of the time. and danny said i was supposed to go see james as soon as danny had come over, if i was able to walk. alex kissed me on the cheek and brushed my cheek and said he loved me...and when we were driving off, i told danny to keep me away from all sharp objects, meds, and guns the rest of the day or i was going to hurt myself, and to not leave me alone, because i was bound to do soemthing after hearing hsi words. how do you go from calling someone the worst person, to 'love you'...I DON'T GET IT =|...i'm beign fucked with...danny said, after i had said i'd kill myself if i got the chance, well, he more than offered, he demanded i stay with him at his apartment, where he can take time off from work and watch over me for a little while, where as, james can't, and my parents can't...plus i wouldn't be around james...he told me james had been talking about me, saying how he thought i was the sweetest person he had ever met, and just...danny told me he thought james was going to try and hit on me or something when he got home, or might infringe on my personal space to show some love, and i immediately told him i'd stay with him then...and that he didn't have to take off time from work, but to take everythign dangerous out of reach, since i can't get around on my own...so he did, and he went to see everyone, and ended up coming back with kelly and amy, amy happy as ever since they fixed their relationship and she kicked his ass hardcore for even thinking about cheating on her. the girls delayed going out to party for next time to take care of me. amy fell asleep with my headphones on in the bed, so kelly ended up trying to help me get the the restroom to take a bath. and when i got in there, she just sat down on the toilet, and i asked her if it bothered her i was undressing, meaning it was bothering me, and she said no, and was smiling, eating her straw. and when i was setting up the tub full of hot water, she ended up helping me, because i could barely stand erect or get my shirt over my head. and i believe danny now about when he said she liked me, because let her hands linger a little too long when taking my shirt off...and...yeah...she had been talking to me about the car accident and just stopped when i was taking off my bottoms, and i had to lean on the wall so i wouldn;t fall, and asked her if this was post mordem shock or something, so i wrapped a towel around myself and hobbled to find amy, and pushed her off the bed to the floor, and she woke up bitchy. 'kelly was too busy staring at my package, can you please help me in the tub so i don"t krack my head open on the tiles', and of course, amy tried to see what i meant and i almost furthered injury getting away from her hands. she helped me and was all fun during it all, and kelly was still in the same spot, but now staring at the tub. and when i fell asleep a little in the tub, and i woke up and she was still there, only sitting on the edge of the tub now looking at me, which was creepy...really creepy. she helped me out, because amy had gotten on her case for not watching if i got hurt, like danny said...and she helped me to bed, and once i figured out - ello amy's not in the apartment, that's when i worried. she helped me in bed and even took the wet towel from me, how sweet of her =\...i think she was trying to pull the thing where people think they have confidence to go through with something, but really don't...if i hadn't found the nerve to get out of the bed and into some clothes, which she tried to help me with, and it's bad enough she already brushed something when she was helping me around. she hung on my back while i was tying my shoes, just whispering in my ear stuff, kid stuff. she made a list of things i've ehard from people before, except she added a cute annoying poppy voice to it all, like she was star struck by a plane. i was losing respect by the minute with her. bye the time i had most of my clothes on and i was hobbling for the door, amy came in laughing and all, and when she saw me still quite wet and cold and tired and about to fall, she helped me to a chair and asked what was wrong, and i pointed out kelly touching me and all and she just smiled 'yeah, dan told me! rar! mikey, guess what?!', 'you"re going to buy me a tank?', 'no! but good guess! it"s kelly. she was naaauuuggghhhttyyy', 'o.0...', 'please tell me she didn"t touch me when i was asleep', 'no, but she did herself! that"s why i left! i"m so sowwy mikey-wikey! fowgive meh? ;d'...and i was talking to myself, counting all the weird moments i've had with her, and this one tops the cake so far. and when i went back to get my jacket...kelly was quite nakie...and...busy...amy did take me to see danny and the healthfood store so i could pig out on fake icecream snacks. those things are the shiznit! but when i told danny, he told me that wasn't the first time kelly had done that after hearing about me. she apparently fell asleep at amys before and was dreaming about me o.0...now i must think of all the OTHER people that might have been doing that, and decide how weird that is...but then...yeah...creepy...i was forced to see james, seeing as i'm a cripple, and i ended up outside in the back with him on a crate...i just wanted a hug, but i guess that wasn't enough, and when he was done he was talking about how alex came by and how i shouldn't have gone to see him and all...and then i told him not to tell me what to do, and he backed off, saying fine...but to remember what he said, because all alex is going to do is use me until i don't have anything left to offer except what alex wants. and i popped off saying that's all james wanted and this and that and he looked...he looked like i had just shot him...he sniffed and went back inside and came out with my coat, and told me i was going to catch the flu again if i didn't bundle up, and how throwing accusations at him was fine if it made me happy, but that...he called me a selfish bastard for not considering all the emotional strings i've been pulling on him lately, how before i came around he was just the coffeeshoppe guy who stayed at home reading, how he always wanted someone who he could share things with and stuff...and that it hurt being around me because of soem thigns i did, and that it hurt hearing those words come from me, that i was all hyped up on his age and his appearance beign different from the random people and the indie goers and hipsters and hardcorers, the rivetheads and all...my friends in general...that he knew i was a sweet person and all these wonderful things, but that i needed to step back from my situation and consider what it's doing to others...and his eyes were covered in water on the inside still, and his hand was on the handle of the door, and he said...that...he would love, being in love with me...if only i could see that...and he left me out back, in the cold...i have been thinking of others feelings, even if i haven't mentioned it. i don't want to hurt any of them, as always, and i know i'll make them cry or something. i don't have a clingy man to me exactly, buit after a few days or so, he's dumped his feelings on me for what they are...that takes balls, i know...and the other, he's alreayd sliding, and iknow that's not my fault, but he'll blame me and i'll feel like shit for not being able to help him when i should be able to...idunno, he was upset talking to me about things just as i get to be, so i understand...danny took me back to his apartment, and i went to sleep on the sofa, and i had a nightmare...i was burning up in some place, and there was this horrid monster, vicious and everything, ripping me apart, eating my insides and grinning/smiling and laughing at me, pointing...i woke up on the floor, overheating and shivering all at once and danny and amy were over me, trying to turn me, and i wouldn't at first, and i was sweating, hardcore, and their hands on my throat and chest weren't helping. and i figured out what was wrong when danny was saying 'michael, michael, do you have medication to take for this? michael'...and i realised, i hadn't taken my meds this morning at all...no wonder i was upset all day so easy...and stuff...they called james and he brought over my bag from his house, and they got it for me and in me, me meds for my metabolism and pain killers and stuff they gave me...maybe it wasn't why it happened, but it could have been, so better safe than sorry. they got me into a cold bath, and i put up a fight for it after what happened with kelly...i'm fucking paranoid that's all anyone wants from me anymore. it's almost revolting when i think about it. but when i lunged forward from my stomach it was easy for them to just push me in in all my clothes and take them off afterwards, well, james did...he didn't want me to be passed around in such a case...danny came in and dumped a bag of ice that probably came from a convenience store, in the tub, and james made me lie down while he talked to me, saying he was sorry for earlier, and it was too late, i already thought i was an asshole by then and told him it was fine sicne it was true...he got me to go back to his house afterwards and gave up his bed to me, which buddy ended up taking a post with me...james got me up later on and helped me to the kitchen, where he fixed vegetable broth for me and sprite...he looked liek he hadn't slept at all in the afternoon...he layed down with me and just kept brushing my face, and we kept telling each other how tired the other looked, and he added in a sorry every now and then...i know i was tired to hell and back, and i doubt he was any less...i just wish i could have fixed it for him......my fever and all broke around six, and i was feeling better...i can't say the same for him, for he lapsed into this fragile state, where everything i intended and meant to be good and wholesome and truthful, was rejected...and when i finally asked why he was acting like a child, he told me he wasn't, he was being blunt in his statements, because he knew he's already lost me, that i'm going to just go back to the person that's been cheating on me since buddha knows when, who called me every name that even examplified himself, and only kept me because i was something tangible. how he was offering to do this and that and love me and all...'if you loved me, you"d realise it"s hard for me too'...and he stopped talking to me...he barely looked at me even...i told him i couldn't handle his antics or alexes, about using me as a tug of war thing...and he said i was making excuses to bide for time......i stopped talking myself, and went into his bathroom and took a razorblade out of a packet, and walked back into the living room, just a little behind him, and when i stood in front of him, several feet away and he tried to make a fuss and told me to stop being dramatic, and i explained i just wanted him to see that i wasn't pulling legs, or trying to get sympathy, i wanted him to know how real everything was to me...and he begged me to stop, so, i cut horizontally across my stomach, right to left...and when i wasn't satified with that, i did it a few more times...and i told him i wouldn't say sorry ever again since i remembered it was permanently on my left him for him to see if he needed it...he got up and i thought he was going to hit me, so i brougth my arms up in defense, and he hugged me...i whispered to him that i didn't want him to feel bad anymore, i didn't want him to feel how bad it could get...he told me he's already been here before, just with a different person. he doesn't want me to do silly things like that, to try to prove my point, that he should have believed me because i wouldn't ever try something akin to fucking someone over...he just hugged me and said he would respect whatever decision i made, that he could get over it even though it would be hard and he'd miss me...and i mentioned we could probably be friends, and he said we probably couldn't...that he would remember too much and it would be pain for him...the way he put it, using such intricate words, is what stole me away...i asked him if he really meant what he said about never leaving me and that this wasn't some fling, and i wasn't being used...and he made all the right answers, and even went out on a limb to talk about things, asking why anyone would want to leave me, and he could understand the fling thing, that's what he had wanted the first day he saw me before he met me the next...he's not going to use me because he's been there before, in the same position, different reasons maybe...i brought up age and appearance two more times, and he asked me some questions and the answers came out something like this...people age anyway, they look like shit eventually, you live with it...me and him don't look shit at all, he may be able to swim more laps than me or run 20 miles mroe than me, but nothing's wrong otherwise. 'so what you"re sick?'...he'd rather have me for ten years, than never...he'd rather help me through being ill and be with me and know me til then, and live with me and enjoy his life with me, rather than never...rather than being alone and having to wait for something that may never come at all...and i couldn't really believe him somehow, and then i could...i realise how hard it is to find 'sane' people, or 'normal' people, whatever people fit your way of life or intellectual stimulation or who make you laugh and you enjoy thouroughly, it's hard finding those people...i guess i hadn't been thinking hard enough to see that maybe whoever he's looking for, is barely findable...maybe the fact i've been through half of what he has and twice as much as most people...maybe that's something...thirty four...idunno...he tells me he doesn't care about getting sick, but i think he does...he's still a little scared of dying, and he's very anal[no pun] when it comes to cleaning and stuff, more so than i am...and various things that just say he does care...alex was the same so far......i really don't know...when dani mentioned me going to live with him he was being silly and serious...and i told him it's something i wouldn't mind doing...and then i told him i liked him, and i remember i told him before, but i'm sure he though i was just beign a goof...and he went a little quiet, and spoke up saying he did too, but that it didn't help talking about it if, one, we lived an ocean away, and two, i was caught between two other people...that don't seem to grasp some concepts i talk of like he does...when i talked about being hurt by people from school or when i got sick, everyone pitied me, yeah...but dani's been there before, because his and his little brothers cousin did the shit to him when he was a kid...it's all sick shit, and we can say, i'm sorry, and mean it, and feel it, and grasp the concept that we'll never get over it...alex has never been hurt in his entire life, minus the schoolyard shit, and few real fights where he didn't even fight for his life...james has been in fights and used and abused emotionally...but yeah...stuff.......i didn't do my confusion any justice when i went out to get coffee with him and just hang around while he was talking to some people, and the only time he made it look as if i was with him is when i had gone up to him to ask the time, and he wrapped his arm around my waist to look at the dial...unlike before when he would hold my hand or sit by me or fix my hair because it annoyed him when a piece fell away...pat talked to me the rest of the time and took me home to jameses...he was a bit nervous i guess afer everything he's heard and after being around me in general half nakid before...yeah...he talked about the baby k might be having, and was really happy to talk about that instead of what was going on with me. it was all good though. as soon as he left, i went to butchering, i started on my arm, and it went sparse and i moved to my leg, where i dug a well it seems, and i ended up cutting where i try not to, due to the fact i almost got the balls[no pun] to cut it off once when i was upset...but between my hip bones it looks like a bunch of baby birds did a hell dance there...and i wrote in where i could...the word, easy...and then, fuck...and the latter ended up being bigger and deeper than i wanted...taking a shower, was pain, it really was...and trying to tie a bandage around the one on my leg was hard, because the fabirc of my pants and the bandage kept fucking with one another...the ones on my arm will go away in a few days though, so that's good...he came home, and found me limping, and when he tried to hug me i couldn't because of the pressure he was putting all over the hug...so i made the excuse to go to bed, and when i was laying down he was touching my stomach from earlier and going over the slices where they puckered a slight bit...i was falling asleep to it because it was soothing...i don't know why he moved his hand lower, but he brushed on of the marks and i flinched, and he turned on a light while i adjusted my pants up to my armpits practically, and he pulled them back down to where he could see, and he pretty much jumped up saying omg...he went outside, and i called danny and asked him to come pick me up, and i gathered my things and started walking to hodges street to meet up with him. he wouldn't let me sleep on the sofa since amy was there, but rather, they both got me to stay in the big bed with them...i was crying a little bit and amy hugged me, shushing me and all, and i told her i had done 'it'...and i got around to telling her and she walked me into the bathroom where she inspected and fixed up where i did a pisspoor job, and told me i needed to take it easy and to not walk alot...it was like she was my mum...danny came in, keys in hand and asked if we wanted to go catch a movie, and they looked tired, so i said i'd go catch one, and he said he only asked because kelly wanted to go see one, but wasn't old enough to go alone. so i said i'd take her, and i met up with her at her house, she was dressed and decked out in normal clothes for once...flair dark denim jeans, black casual boots, like doc martins, and had this nice and big black turtleneck, she didn't have nay of the makeup she always wore, just lipgloss, and her hair was shaggy to her face still, lavender as ever...and me...i ended up borrowing clothes from danny because i forgot my own at home, so i ventured out in my black skater shoes, some black dickies, and one of his skater shirts, as well as a sweater of amys. i was fucking cold though waiting in line for our tickets, and she was fairly rosey herself, very happy. she ended up wrapping her arms around me, however futile it was, to warm me up, and i settled for holding her hand in mine, which somehow accumilated sweat because of her squeezing. we settled on seeing elf, and we had to wait through twenty minutes of previews until that, plus our thirty minute wait, so she stood outside with me while i smoked a couple, chit chatting about things at school, some boy that liked her and she refused because he was a pop brat spoiled at birth, about a job she might be getting at envy and stuff, and how that closed and now she had no chance in hell...and she went to say more about this boy and soem other boys, and i told her she must love the attention, and she said no, because she didn't like them like that. i felt like i was talkign to a ten year old about her/his crush. we got seats at the top in the theatre, so i could prop my legs up instead of crossing them, which got aggravating switching them from falling asleep. ten minutes passed and some really young couple came in and started sucking eahc others faces. it was a like a horror flick. anyway...the movie went well, and kelly held my hand half the time and used me as a pillow...when we got out we went by to visit a friend and to get free coffee, and he hit on her quite a bit before i could pry her away so we could leave. she seemed flattered and irked at the same time...i had bitched about being cold alot, because i was convulsing and my teeth were making bass sounds, and she offered to 'warm you up'...and i told her there was heat in the car once i got it running, and she said she meant another way. i repeated my situation that i did to dani, and she said she had ehard, and didn't find her offer wrong in the least, even though i did. so i compromised after fueding it with her...since dannys roommate was out of town again for a few weeks, i'd nap with her at dannys there...what i meant by napping was fully clothes, all covers, nothing else...which turned into mostly no clothes, all covers, nothing else...she tried to make it something, but ifixed that. she fell asleep and i slipped a tshirt on her that i had been wearing, and her underwear for her. i sat down and drank at least 6 smirnoff, with a straw, god forbid...i went back to bed and she was undressed again, and the covers were barely covering her, and i refixed things and layed down. she ended up taking it all off and pressing against me, asking what was wrong with her not wearing clothes, and i expressed the direct reason of me being able to go to jail for one for even being next to her, and two because she needed to be modest. she said i was one to say, and i blatantly stated i'd been around enough to deserve the honour. she never put her clothes back on, and even took my shirt back off and tried again to do something. and succeeded a little sicne i had fallen asleep for a minute...when i woke up from the daze out she was dry humping me, and i tried to back away, but she pulled me in and just did her thing and got off, which i didn't entirely comprehend, but knew the end results...i got up and walked around for awhile, and even turned the heat up some and came back and she had lusty eyes...i had to get it out of her to not do anything to me anymore and to get some sleep...
061103
...james came home today from work, that's a duh right...and he told me thank you, and i was thinking 'i must have broke something', or similiar to that...and i was just blinking and asked what, and he said the picture...i painted a picture for him. it's really...it's something i usually wouldn't paint, in fact it's not something i would do unless i was paid to. i'm proud to say that i've gotten better at the painting than the drawing...but, it came out something like pop art meets surrealism butchering cubism...it was funky and bright...and it was just him and i had little things to relate to him, flying around the picture. idunno...i put the paint on really think, so that puppy ain't drying for a while. i uhm...i was looking on the bed and floor for my shirt and either it mixed with the colours or i just couldn't see...i think it was both things...i was leaning on an elbow, switching occasionally to see if somehow it crawled under the bed, ya know it happens, socks run away too, and he was asking me questions about what i had created, and i honestly didn't hear a god damn word of it, i was really focused on my shirt. i find it amazing when my clothes just vanish, it's like my food, only not. he ran a finger down my spine and damn it was creepy. i instantly thought of pinhead at that moment, and of the moment when the big worm is sucking the guys brains out. fucking creepy...i don't know if i said it or not, but i was asking myself where i put it. and i was confusing myself and i called myself a dumbass for being so worried, but i mean hey, how many old school manson shirts do you see floating around these days. NONE =|...right...he was very touchy feely with my bones and it was sort of irking me, because i was going to be pissed if the dog ate my only manson shirt. and i know his dog eats thigns because it ate one of my black shirts...most of it at least. i sighed and gave up and he sat on me and asked me why i wasn't listening to him or saying anything, and i told him i was opening up his dogs chest cavity if it ate my shirt. 'you don"t need a shirt', 'yes i do', 'no, i do', 'you look fine without one', '-thinking on some random act of violence- =|'. i asked what happened at dinner the other night when i fell asleep, after he wouldn't talk. dinner went well, they talked and laughed alot and were surprised they didn't wake me up, the other michael wants james to move back up north with them this weekend and start teaching again. he made me an excuse it seems and michael said there were tons of young guys up that way, and since it was nearing their time to go home, he didn't get peeved about it, blew it off. he talked to bill about me when michael went to get ice cream. bill said he was taking a risk with me, but that if he thought it was the right thing and it was filling his life with the missing something he said there was, then to stay, or at least bring me with him. james told me personally he didn't want to move, that i would probably miss my friends and family too much, and i needed time to get better. plus all of his are older anyway, so they can visit him =\ he was laying his head on my chest and after a couple moments he said my heart beat was so soft and odd. 'another messed up feature, congrats'...it disheartened him to hear it... i also found out when i stopped by the doctors this morning what all was up. and the first thing i got to do was get my height and mass, which to this date, i r officially 6', bim, and i somehow mass in at 146 now. the doc told me i need to pig out for another lucky 20 pounds or so...and then she paused and said 30...then 40...and i thought she was trying to make me a pig. that's something i'd hate...i don't mean to seem vain or something, but i don't think i could stand myself if i started gaining so much mass i pugged out. i bargained with him to gain 30-ish more pounds or until i filled out without being able to find all of my ribs and hips and spine. so i'm bulking up on pasta for awhile =\ fuck it'll get boring. nah...but he did give me some of the medication the woman had said i would probably be on, and it'll take my metabolism down from being fast, or hyperactive, and put it where most people have it, which i'll pray is still moderately fast. when i mentioned it he said because i'm a male for one, it'll be fast still anyway. catch is, if i don't eat it'll fuck me up or fuck with me. and if all else goes bad, hospital...so yeah...i get on that as of today and it should kick in whenever. he told me to work my muscles if i don't want all the mass just going nowhere, at least then i'll have reason to eat alot. i wonder if i'll end up like danny. he can eat something like four big burgers from booger king and not gain any mass. if so i'm fucked... that was off track, but anyway...i had to tell him to get off of me after so long, because he was too heavy. he said it was so weird to hear that from me, since i never said it before...we made out until someone was banging on the door, he came back and said someone saw his dog running around, and he said he forgot to lock the gate this morning. he left and i slipped on my pj bottoms and ventured out into the dark house. i was cursing buddy the entire time between then and getting my smokes. i walked around and layed in the grass out back, and attempted to blow smoke rings at the moon, not always succeeding. he came out in the back yard and said he found buddy barking at some other dog and sat back up on me. the grass felt weird against my back, and it's really been awhile since i've had a bare back to grass, not since i used to go out skating and crash on my friend's front lawn, or when we played soccer...he played with my hem and was talking about his day and all that had been going on, some jokes he heard, people he met. i was sort of paranoid and blew smoke at him and he coughed really bad, which made me laugh, so sorry. i can't help it. he blew me a raspberry and i wanted to smack him, because it just went into tickling and the two do not go together when i can't get up =| but haha, so he's, so it worked out, and we rolled about getting grass in our hair and left over leaves, just laughing, and i started calling uncle because i was laughing so hard i couldn't breathe. he picked the random bits of oddness out of my hair and was just smiling and he looked so happy, and i guess i was happy, but he looked like my mum when i did something really good...he put a hand to the side of my face, he brushed my cheek and under my eye, and it was a bit difficult to do where i was, but i leaned up and kissed under his bottom lip and told him thank you for being him...instead of faking me out, for not using me, the general admiration i thought he deserved for being so amiable...i finally got it out of him to let me do something though, which he wouldn't let me the last few times, i'm not entirely sure why he wouldn't let me anyhow, unless it was from previous mishap. but...yeah...i think we almost got caught, because there WAS someone on the otherside of his fence, taking out garbage or something. and honest to god, i'm fairly sure they heard him. i had to stop before he did get any louder and just smothered him in a kiss, just hugging him, and he shook a little, like a shiver. after what i THOUGHT was a door closing, i went back down, tucking hair behind my ears. my jaw got sore after a little while, and i was going to just give up and say got ya, but i thought that would be mean, and it probably would have, but i just hummed. i still want a gold medal for the shit. i've met maybe two or three people that knew how to do that or even did it or what it was. 'hum? what"s that?, '-.- dumbass'...james is my rival though. i'll end up starting a competition with the bastard. anyway...that door never closed, because james went 'uh' and then there was a 'hello?...', our eyes lit up and he was making the 'sh' motion. i propped my head on my arm and was trying to clean up so to speak...you know...with some carbos in liquid form, maybe a glass...i could probably eat the stuff on a regular basis if i had to...even, though i technically could do that...i was done, and tired of waiting in the grass for whoever it was to leave, so i stood up and james was a bit whack...i mean, c'mon, who else lives where his house is? and i delicately placed my fingers on the top of the fence, which i could almost see over, and i ran a hand down the wood and answered yes, then the man, who sounded older than even james, asked what the hell was going on. james kept tugging on my pants, and they kept falling, telling me his neighbour didn't know, and i told him i would tell him and get it over with, or else he'll be even more pissed if he ever actually hears ME...i asked the other person if he knew a man lived next door to him, he said yes, and i asked if he knew he was gay, and he said no, faltering, like he was ashamed, but still peeved, and i told him 'well now you know what the hell"s going on sir. goodnight'...james sat on the ground and i went inside. as i did that he asked me something, and i ignored it, i hadn't even heard a syllable, and i grabbed my car keys and a new lighter and headed for my car. i told him i didn't hear him, but that if it had to do with putting me back in a closet for telling on him, i wasn't going to go through that again. he grabbed my arm and spun me around asking why i was upset, that all he had said was thanks for informing his neighbour, and asked what i meant 'again' as. i was nearing being really, really angry, really quick. it just hit hardcore on a note i wasn't even thinking on, and i spilled it all out, very rashly and when i was done i was choking on my words...i flung my car door open to get in and was just making a motion with my hand and saying bye to him, and sorry. i said sorry like i had just told a virgin 5 yr old the in and outs of outs going in outs...it was wrong...he grabbed the keys from my door and put them in his backpocket, and that pissed me off because i took it as a sign of aggression. since, last tiem someone took my keys they were...he told me to come inside with him, and i just wanted to leave. he was looking around and he got close to me and said he didn't know about that, and the that i had talked about was when i was going to sandalwood and i was forced into staying in the closet at the beginning, and that by getting out of it i ended up getting hurt. i didn't want to go back in a closet and come back out to get hurt. i told him about red and his friend...and how i had to go to the hospital...when people asked me what happened and i was willing to tell them, they never believed me, alex only believed me because he knew i couldn't protect myself and i wouldn't stand up for myself anymore...and that's why i ended up choking on my words...i felt like shit, and i'm sure i was headed for an anxiety attack right then...i had told him about being threatened, about getting sick, about being beat up several times...but somehow i couldn't tell him before about that when i was calm...it seemed the worse out of it all. i remember it the best, because it was the worse one. as he was trying to get me inside, i was clawing my ribcage, digging in and scraping, and when i broke real skin and had a bit of blood on my fingers, i stopped and pulled my hand to my face...he closed my car up and lunged a hug at me, and i was till looking at my hand, and i was weeping quietly...i fumbled...and said i couldn't take it anymore...he tried getting me inside, but i told him i didn't want to, 'why', 'because i don't want to do something i don"t want to do', 'what?', 'i don"t want to', 'michael...'...he got it and explained to me he didn't want to do that, that he just wanted to go to bed...and i said i wanted to go get some green tea, i can't stay 'here'. so he asked me if i at least wanted to clean up before we went. so i did that, and i brushed my teeth until my gums bled, and i went into the closet to find some clothes. when i pulled out a big sweater and some big jeans, he gave me a weird look and asked me what on earth i was doing. i told him it was freezing out there. he pulled out one of his shirts, which turned out to be a tank top, and handed it to me. i explained clearly why i couldn't wear it, and he said he knew, but that i also couldn't hide it forever. so he put it on for me even as my frown deepened. he pulled out a pair of my dickies, and gave me my black skater shoes. he said i could bring my zip up black jacket if i needed it, if i was actually cold...the tank top had a bunch of dates on the back, was black, and had a bunch of skeletons on it, i think iron maiden. he told me to keep it because it was too small on him. he insisted on driving, and when we got there, i was clutching the jacket with a white fist, and staying very very close behind him, almost stepping on his heels. and i said i could feel their eyes on me, and he asked why i cared...and it was because they could hurt me too. i was humiliated. not only could you see the slight long marks on my lower arms as usual, but you could see all the onws on my upper arms and across under my collar, and the fresh few on my right arm from awhile back. plus, my wrist had been better, so everyone could see that beyond the few bracelets i had. he went to the counter and his friend said hello really softly to me when he was ordering our drinks, and some veggie wraps. i looked down and clung to his left arm...he ventured over to where i usually sat. i curled up in my chair, leggs close, arms close. pat and k were there getting their fix and came over to sit with us. k smiled at me and pat rubbed my arm asking if i was cold in so little clothing. i said no, and james asked pat what he thought of the tank top on me, and pat paused to sip, and then looked at me while spekaing to him, that it looked like something i'd wear, and why i hadn't worn one before now. 'because he wanted to embarrass me', and james gefawed and said i looked fine. k added that i looked fine too, and that since i wasn't some macho and had no hair all up my chest or under my arms that it worked. i didn't know whether that was a comment or an insult, but it didn't make me feel better...after awhile, like an hour or so, alex came in with matt, and some girl and guy, and even though james and them were talking, i was staring at alex occassionally. and no matter when i did, he was groping or holding or doing something with matt, and they settled down on a sofa, and alex had his arm across matt's side of the sofa, just talking. they were really touchy feely and it seemed like a put on, because i've never known any one of them to be like that out in public, matt like's spooking kiddies with girls, but he's alot more modest than that...idunno, maybe i was wrong. james was trying to get my attention, and i just got up and walked outside for a smoke. in fact, i smoked half a pack while outside, and when i hit number two, someone asked me if i was cold or not, and i turned and saw jared grinning at me and hugged the life out of him. i haven't seen him since school, back in the day. he didn't know anything except what i did back then, which was flirt with everyone when i was nervous, drink, and do amazingly silly things, like jumping off the roof of my school. he put the jacket i had left inside on my shoulders, and i buried myself in it, telling me some cute guy inside told me to put it on. he put an arm around my neck and walked around the block with me smoking. by the second lap he wanted to play hookie and hit a dark corner. about then we met up and stood around shooting the breeze with sara and richard, who i couldn't help calling dick...richard loved my drawings and i quote 'i wish i could drill a hole in his head and skull fuck him', which made me quirk my eyebrow like this o.0...'i think you could do that without drilling a hole in his head rickie'. that's why richard and jared set out to get an orgy going. and the only excuse i had 'james wouldn"t like that i think', they tried to get over and around. then they asked me if he was there, and where, and i told them. they both went to find him =| i situated myself to leaning on saras shoulder and when they came back they were REALLY happy, because james said SURE =| 'go back and ask him to tell you a certain something', they did, and came back even more happy, and i asked what he said 'he said you give great head', and i looked through the window and he waved and grinned. fucker =| it took me another two times before they came back a little baffled. 'can we do it anyway?', 'what the hell"s wrong with you people', '-in unison- horny', 'go fuck one another then =|' which they didn't do, and they presided around our little group while i tried to keep my jacket on as jared kept trying to get in it, and won. my 'small jacket' isn't really small at all...and that was proved by fitting two people in it, one who kept runing hands over my chest =| crazy guy...i'm sort of greatful james came out, or else i would have been fighting with jared trying to undo my pants in public, and undo them nonetheless. he put an arm around my hip and rubbed my side for friction to get warm. my features were blue-ing over =| i looked rather dead in fact from what sara said. we went back inside and he still had his finger in the hoop of my pants, fixing my jacket and got me another greentea. he found me looking at alex and whispered why to me. and i didn't answer, because i had caught alexes eye. and i think he felt as sad i was...because he removed hi arm from matts and looked longer than he probably should have, and then turned slowly back to the girl in their conversation...we left and i curled myself in the seat on the way back. just trying not to exist. i went straight to bed and stayed as far as i could from him. he started a one way conversation, and it only made me feel worse, because he was mentioning this and that about alex, how i could try and go back if i wanted to, that i was an independent person. i hushed him and got his pants off along with mine and asked him to do something for me, and he said he wasn't going to do something i didn't want to do, and i got it through to him that i needed to forget right now. i barely gave him time to get ready or to make me ready. i just put a tux on him and sat down. even though that's what i intended, i wasn't ready for the pain i expected, so the me doubling over was a bit much. he went to get up, and i had to grab an arm to tell him to stay. and not that long after, the pain fought over my thoughts and were winning. sometimes they got the better and i had to stiple a sob, but in it all i kept my face in my hands and arms, just curling into a little place i made. he stopped halfway through and asked me to let him stop before he really hurt me, i asked him to trust me and to not feel bad. i don't know if he felt bad or if he was stopping feeling bad, but he went on anyway. even though it's one of the stupider things i myself have asked, and on several occassions, it's alot easier than dealing with hurting myself, because then there's either blood or bruises that take forever to heal...and all the mental things icause myself with them. doing something like what i asked for though. it hurts, and it's not a sadist thing, but it's the only thing i knew that would make me stop thinking. i could go jogging, but i think worse when i'm doing that. i could play basketball, but i still think. i can't think because of the pain, because i get tired and sore especially after not taking any time for it, and every time i have done that, i've almost always fallen asleep afterwards, too exhausted to do anything but breathe. maybe in someone elses eyes i'm quite frankly a moron, but then, they're not me, they don't have to put up with thoughts like...well, me blowing my own brains out, or mutilating, or what it would be like to rip a gash in my stomach and pull my intestines out, about the time i tried to cut my own heart out, about how vividly i see those things happening, or how vividly and surreal my thoughts get when it comes to my own despairs and griefs and melancholy. it fucking tears me apart. i have to have something bring me to reality, and i feel i made the right choice...but...anyway...i didn't fall asleep afterwards, because james kept me awake asking me to explin what had just happened to him, and when i did, i'm pretty sure he got most of it. i just made him a little sad is all, and i apologised to him if it seemed like i used him...which it seems i did. even though he brushed it off as something that helped me, i still think he felt bad.i understand though, i've been there in his place, so i'll take it good or bad, just knowing things are out in the open with it is a relief at least and we can move on and try to develope something for next time it happens to me. because otherwise, i'll end up hurting myself, because i promsied myself i wouldn't put him in that position again...it took a bit more effort on my part, because of me walking around, but together we got the bed changed and took a shower. i started whispering to myself when i was washing my hair...and in german so he couldn't understand...i was trying to figure out how i could be such a dumbass every day for years and years, and still be alive. telling myself i'll makes him just like alex, who wanted to get away from me i guess...i looked up from staring at the wall, and he was looking at me with his head tilted, leaning on the very wall. i apologised, and he said it was nice to hear me speak at least, and even more interesting to hear it that way. he said it was pretty, because i was speaking it harsh and edgy like his old high school friend used to. my mum does that when she's pissed off. i stood under the showerhead and let my imagination go, and i thought about these pictures i saw in my spanish book once of the falls in puerto rico, very pretty. than i thought of the heat, and instantly didn't like it anymore. heat and humidity are two things i really don't like at all. i mean, who the hell wants to be hot, sweaty, and sticky when it's bothersome? plus if you're one of those unlucky people, who end up smelling to high hell of musk, it's creepy in a garbage way. but...yeah...i went into the kitchen afterwards and we made some oatmeal and some juice and sat down in the living room to watch the tele a little, the news even and stuff. i ended up finishing last and playing with my hair, trying to straighten the mess it was currently in. he came back with a brush after washing the bowls, and made me sit in front of him to brush my hair. the bursh felt good against my scalp, and i haven't had anyone literally brush my hair since my mum did it. but it kept running across my shoulders and neck and that felt a bit funny. the phone rang and he got up for that, so i stretched on the floor, and was sort of surprised i could stretch so far. it turned out he had to go by someone's house to talk, they were having problems, so he asked if i wanted to tag along, and i asked if that would be being in the way, and he said not really, they wouldn't care. i brought all my him cds, thanks to my little danny boy >.> i had a nice little delivery from danny, razorblade romance...i was super happy. i gave him a kissy poo! he'sa cute when he blushes. anyway, i grabbed my jacket for when we went over, so as to not blind people with nakeyness. he wouldn't let me wear it when we got there, saying i didn't need it =| i find lies in that statement. it was sort of odd not having a shirt around someone else. and people don't seem to care as much as i thought they did. and after james had conforted his friend she kept touching my stomach, for no particular reason, which somehow made her feel better o.0 i'm still trying to grasp that one...maybe if i would have worn jeans or pants instead of my pj bottoms that were hanging off my ass, it would have helped my situation. i ended up wrestling with her and tickling her. he let me put my jacket on when i got in the car finally, and i bundled up in that, making sure all the windows were up and the heat was on. i don't get how people can't be cold outside. he let me put on my third him cd in his stereo, and i layed on top of him at his midsection, and fell asleep there...when i woke up he was up on me like a cocoon, and i was buried under the pillows and him. we got dressed and ready and stuff, and went to go buy me a wetsuit to go diving in. since, his wouldn't fit me and he only has one, and going in the water, cold water, would be insane. we went to one of the nearby high schools and used their indoor pool to practice things with, and i can't remember any of the names, but i could do everything without a problem. we ended up swimming more than practicing. i got to kiss him under the water, and it was spiffy, something i haven't done in awhile. mad skills. i took things a bit far in the pool though and he almost drowned at one point, plus there were kids in the water for awhile at the shallow end...

121103
fuck, time just seems to have disappeared to me...i don't even remember when i left jameses house...i just remember giving him a long hug and him going to work...maybe it was sunday then...yeah, i think it was, because i think that's when i moved everything and all...it was such a long day doing all of that, and emotional...i really didn't want to leave, and to make things worse...the day i unpacked and had everything hunky dory for the most part, he called my mum at home and got directions, and came over the next day...i had been a mess that day too, a fucking emotinal wreck because i decided i'd be a smart ass and not take any meds at all, no anti virals, no xanax, no nothing...i was wired for sound. i didn't let him in even, and my parents didn't, they were at work at the time, and it was about noon. he should have been at work...i was a mess, i can't believe it either...i had managed to stay in my room all through the previous night and no one bother me, my mum didn't even say goodnight. and i took it upon myself to just hit my ribs, and i hit them until i thought i was about to break them. that's when i had stopped to clutch the sheets and cry...i don't really have a reason for being so silly, other than not beign on any meds, really tired, and feeling miserable for ruining jameses life and fucking with alexes...he cleaned my lip with a damp rag from where i had been biting it, and put icyhot on my whole ribs and back to help, and just...layed down talking with me...he was really upset i left without even saying anything or lettign him say anything. that i should get us all together to talk, and i tried telling him that i tried. he told me alot of options i could have done, that would ahve been better, and a few a did attempt...and then he was asking me, if i cared about him, whether or not i'd stay with him, if i'd go back with alex...and i really don't know...that's why i left him, so i wouldn't have to make a choice, so i could leave as is...he layed there with me until he heard"Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." Sade, from a letter to his wife, written in prison, November 1783 come to the edge, he said they said, we are afraid come to the edge, he said they came. he pushed them...and they flew. - apollinaire "Love has its reasons, which reason cannot know..." - Pascal a car pull up, and he hopped into my chair, straightening his clothes like he had just done something wrong, which made me feel bad he would dare to think like that. it turned out to be my mum, and all she did was say hello. he asked if i would walk him to his car, so i did, and when we got outside, it was still early, around six maybe, kids were outside, people in general were outside doing what made their lives interesting...i was caught between him and the car, and trying to get to the door, and he hugged me. not one of those family ones or friends, but we touched like hugs should be, and he took his sweet precious time, and before he left he kissed me on the cheek and asked me to call him later...my mum later on said he was really handsome and nice and this and that...i wanted to snap and say i knew already, but that would ahve been wrong...i slept and woke up and got dressed and ready to go out and do something, what i didn't know. now, this is the thing. i've been driving illegally and sparsely for years, i can light smokes while driving, and multi task, i'm an excellent driver, complete stops for signs, blinkers, no speeding unless i know i'll get away with it...i fucked up tuesday in one of the heavy areas of traffic around, and it's this intersection with one stop sign that fucked me over. i had braked completely for the sign and was switching a cd in the process, everything was fine. i looked left to see who was coming and pulled out right, and this other car slammed head on in front of my car, mostly on the left where i was located, and the thing is, he clipped ME, i did nothing wrong at all. after that my foot slipped and i hit the gas and it only made it worse. the airbag came out and knocked me good in the jaw and all right after my chest slammed the wheel, taking out my breath. my right knee slammed the wheel that was then too close, and my left joint of thumb hit the wheel good with my shoulder, and then the bag hit me and fucked with me, that's when i wigged out to pass out. i thought my car was on fire so i unbuckled to crawl out the passenger's side, but i couldn't open the door or mine, so i crawled out of the back, and when i did the man that was in the car with his wife grabbed my shirt and shook me, telling me not to run off, i owed him a brand new car, which his was a piece of shit! so he was trying to pull it off as my fault, even though he was coming to turn into the adjacent lane to me and went in MY LANE. bastard. their car was fine too, mine was totaled on the left front and i was bleeding at the chin and brow, and aparently my windshielf broke and shards flew at me too...later on, after everyone gets it in and knows damn well it's all his fault, and he gets a citation and fine and i can sue his ass if he tries me...that i had whip lash, so my neck's sore, plus my hip hurts from my knee, my entire shoulders are hurting, my chest is bruised...my mum was so worried when they called her, then she happened to call my dad and james, and they ALL flocked to see me at home asap. james ended up taking me to his house because it was where he could keep an eye on me, even though i bitched about him taking care of me, but my parents told me to stay since they couldn't do it. he cleaned up my hands from where the shards got on my knuckles and under the skin, and my chin from the airbag, then proceeded to pamper me for some reason o.0 later on in the night around eight i got really sick and tired and he was standing by with sprite, with asprin, with a rag and all...and i eventually konked out good and slept til noon today and then my chest and all cramped up and he had to help me into a warm bath so i could move some and not get stiff, and then i slept til five this afternoon...i don't know what to think of him anymore...i was thinking he was the best thing ever, then i thought he was just trying to use me because it seemed all easy...but now...he's taken care of me when i needed it, always tells me where he's going and where he's at, how he feels, inquires how i am, askign questions when they need to be asked, does thigns when they need to get done, always thinking...idunno...if he was an action figure he'd be carnage from spiderman......he asked me to stay again, told me he thinks he's falling for me, which i don't understand at all. he could go out and fidn someone ten times better than me in every way. and he just goes 'no, i wouldn"t', then explains it wouldn't be the same, they'd end up assholes, they've only seen the good part of life, blahblahblah...and when i couldn't get up from the bed, he let me smoke in the house...i can't get over it all...i know he can do better, and can find someone his age. i don't understand why he'd want me to hang around. idunno, i'm too fucking sore and tired to sit up here...

041103
welp...i slept in a little today and stuff. i walked buddy after i fed them and this old couple stopped me and asked if that was my dog, and i told them no, that it was jameses, and they smiled and nodded and just said it was odd not to see him out walking buddy is all. they were really polite and a bit more modest than most people. they've seen me in and out of the house and walking buddy from the other day and asked if i was a relative visiting from up north or just rooming with him, and i wasn't going to lie, but all i said was not exactly. and the elderly woman nodded and smiled and so 'ohh'. i said 'i'm...' and i hesistated and she nodded more and said it was ok. he apparently goes for a jog in the morning with buddy usually and says hi on his way, and he must go right past her in the morning because she lives all the way down the street. and she must be a little snoop too. she went on about how sweet he is and good mannered and i just smiled, letting her talk, and her husband tugged her to come on with him and she shoo-ed him away and did that get close to the other person and talk to them, even though it isn't that low, and told me it was nice to see a friendly face around, that no one's really been around since he moved into the neighbourhood. she added that she hadn't seen him in awhile and was worried too. and he finally got her off my back so to speak and i went ahead and finished my walk back to the house after touring the neighbourhood. i went and got back in bed and napped a little longer, got up and took a shower. i love his shower about as much as i love mine, i r amazeded. i finished some drawings and was just a general loafer, and when i was in the middle of watching some show during the day, the phone rang, and i let the machine pick it up just in case, because i didn't know if i was allowed to answer the phone, and it was him and he said if i was there to pick up. he said he would be working a longer time today and the rest of the week, since he didn't get a chance to tell me this morning. so i told him it was peachy and said for him to have a nice day, he told me to be good and hung up. i got on here awhile later and emailed ann back finally, and it was pretty short too. but i guess better something than nothing...i walked around his house and looked at the photos he had out, trinkets, a stuffie was in this one chair. i found his photo album under in a cabinet and i pulled it out and onto the sofa with me. i felt really warm inside as i flipped through each page, cherishing it like ti was my own. he was a nice looking kid, always smiling, a real smile. his parents weren't too shabby. there was this picture of him and his dad holding a big fish up high. one of him blowing out candles on his fifth birthday. a picture of his mum and dad sitting on the sofa, family all around opening gifts. he has a really big family it seems, or he did. some of the pictures were really old and brown. black and white...he had a card from the funeral, with a rose decaying behind the plastic. there was a letter from him on the next page, and his speech from the funeral. it was so heartfelt that my eyes swelled. maybe i shouldn't have been lookign at any of it, but i couldn't help looking. in a loose packet of plastic were some other pictures. they were of men, and probably previous engagements he had. some of them had little notes on the back, dates. there was more of one than the other, and i couldn't find a name, but he looked a little like danny and pat mixed together, real guy features, but still young. and the photos were older...i closed the album when i was done, tucking it neatly back where i found it, and i got my shoes on and went to see danny. i owed him a visit anyway. him and jen gav eme big hugs when they saw me and were asking if i was aok, where i'd been, alex had come in mad raving looking for me the other day and all...i updated danny with what was going on, and he was pissed when he found out alex hit me 'i"m going to break bones', and when i got into saying i was staying with james, he eyed me and asked me who he was...'someone who i thought alex was'...danny instantly wanted to meet him, and jen was whining because she had to work. he gave me the first teb cd and i immediately turned that to track 12 when we got in the car, throwing the other cd he had for me in the back...i told danny more of who james was while i drove over to starlite, and his eyes just got bigger and he finally said omg. i explained things and it wasn't such a shock to him after awhile. he said he wasn't one to say anything since he pissed his g/f off...we finally got there and got some coffee for danny, or some mochachinno thing, whatever, and my raspberry green tea and i asked james if he would coem sit when he got some time, and i found my favourite big chair and sat my scrawny ass down. me and danny got into talking about kelly, and he kept telling me she liked me and this and that, and i tried to explain to him i dropped her off with her b/f one night after they made my room their jungle gym. and he said she didn't have one. and i asked him what he wanted me to do, clone myself. and he said 'for the love of god, don"t do that, please'. and that's when he was grinning and pointed, and james was leaning on the back of my chair and he asked if he could sit down with me, and he sat down, and pulled my legs over his lap sort of and shook hands with danny and they chatted a little. he had to get up a few times to serve drinks to the back, but he stayed and talked with him, asking about his g/f and how she was, giving soem advice to cheer things up with them, thanked him for taking me home on halloween and keeping that stuff away. danny asked if this all meant alex was over with me...and i didn't answer, i didn't know how to begin to. and he rubbed my leg and said 'after he dogged him out the way he did, i don"t see how he would want to go back'. or something similiar, i wasn't paying attention because i was just...gone. i was depressed...james asked how we got here and i answered, and he asked if danny would go wait outside or in the car for a minute. he said sure and said it was ncie to meet him.he pulled me into his lap a little more, rubbing my arms and just holding me, and he said 'tired?', 'more than you"ll ever know', 'go home, take a bath, take your sleeping pills, get some sleep, and i promise i"ll be there when you wake up'. i dropped danny off to pick up his car and went home to a barking buddy and a meowing kittie and i gave kittie catnip and buddy his bone and skipped the bath and all and went straight to bed...

i woke up early in the morning, and i was on one of my thoughtful trips...that usually turn horrid before the morning is ever fully over. i fully hated myself, and i realised it. i stopped as low as alex, even though what he did let the chains go and sent me packing, literally...everyone else seems to think it's something good to happen for me. i don't understand how something can be so good, and i can feel so horrid. like bile...i stumbled through his room in the dark to look for the overlarge shirt i had been wearing beforei went to bed...and i found it across the room and put it on, pulling my hair out and hoping it was long enough...i was sort of paranoid beecause i had been fairly dressed when i fell on the bed, even with a shoe on...anyway...i tiptoed to the kitchen yawning, picking up some rum on my way and my smokes, that looked like my cat had been trying to eat them again. i went outside in the back and sat down on the small porch, and buddy and kittie followed awhile after me, running through the doggy door...the stars were pretty...but yeah, i thought alot more than i should have been doing. i was really upset and depressed, and not to mention absentmindedly drinking. i was so much all of that, that i literally wanted to take a bullet in the head. not joking, or saying, but quite so...this entire thing, i could be gravely mistaken. i'm basing everything on something i heard from danny, who was slightly drunk. basing it on what james told me her served...but then i think of all the names he called me and the littles snicks he made at me. why would he do those if he still cared? he must have done something to get so hostile...i wonder if there's a chance still to mak amends, probably not, but...it hurt hearing all those things he said. what made them sting is i think he meant all of it...i'm baffled...i thought we'd always be together after i went through all that crap to get better...he always seemed liked we were going to, that everything was hunky dorry. nothing seemed wrong. and if he was going behind my back with matt, he could have been doing that since the beginning for all i know. and i could believe it nearing the end maybe. i was gullible to think someone gave a damn that much. i was right in my original thinking, most people are lying to me. i guess i was trying to be too happy to notice or care. and i'm almost certain, if everything is as is, he wanted me to get him sick so i'd feel guilty and stay if i ever knew. because i probably would have stayed...it should have hit me sooner. me depriving him of all he wanted for months and months, then just by chance and fucking blind bad luck, i get sick, there goes the toy...good until you're broken...

i never finished writing up that last one...i think i've been smoking a little too much lately...it's really cutting in with me trying to eat, because i end up not being hungry. that and i just feel sick. it probably doesn't look like it, but i feel like my stomach's caving...i called the doctors office this afternoon, because i just can't stand this anymore, and they told me to come in between today and friday in the morning, that they'll fit me in. she was telling me that i probably have sort of unbalanced thing going on. she told me if she thinks she's right, it'll be my metabolism, and they can just set me up on medication to balance it to normal. they're going to check my intestines somehow i think, because she thinks from my past few visits, they're fucked from not eating in the first place, and throwing up so much. and i was doing that, just throwing up food because it was making me fucking sick as all hell...that's why i've been drinking so much more green tea, because it settles things, well, so does the pain killers...

"So Far Away" - staind
this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams
that i'd never lived before
somebody shake me
cuz i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]
now that we're here,
it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes,
one life contained
they all finally start to go away
now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day i can forgive
and i'm not ashambed to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay
and this is the smile
that i've never shown before

somebody shake me cuz i
i must be sleeping

[chorus]

i'm so afraid of waking
please don't shake me
afraid of waking
please don't shake me


"Nameless"
The walls around me caving in
Cracked and grey
Remind me of myself, I need some help
There's no one else
I'm empty
Addicted
Pissed off
And still afraid
Of what you
Have left me
To live in
This mess you've made

I feel...
Useless...
Jaded...
Nameless

the ride is over I've come down
Hate to be
Can't rely upon myself, for my own health
I'm so fucked up
Distorted
Dysfunctional
and drained
All my deep rooted
Fears seem to get
The best of me

I feel...
Useless...
Jaded...
Nameless

I hate the way you fuck with me
You can't rely on open eyes to see
I force these painful visions from my head
You won't be happy till I break down

I feel...
Useless...
Jaded...
Nameless

...but my morning...i just thought way too much...i sunk to a newer low, and i was immediately crying at how fucked up i was, how fucked up my situation was...it's way too much for me. first i was dying because of what i'm doing, then it was because i might have hurt alex, i hit alex, then i might have everything backwards and now i'm the bad guy...it came in spurts...each one, worse than the last. i rocked myself and tried staying calm and quiet, quiet i did aok...calm just went out the window like a brick. i was so scared of what i had done. i messed everything up again, i know it, and it's probably all my fault. i ruined someone's life because i'm not stable enough to trust someone...buddy had come up tp me and nudged my back and when i looked at him he just sat there...and i didn't know what to think anymore...i couldn't help envying how lucky the dog was, and i cried more because everything's so hard. he barked and i covered my head with my arms and shook. i was just shaking...he'll never forgive me...he'll hate me and never talk to me, i know it...i'm such a horrid person......i held myself and said sorry so many times, and i couldn't breathe...i felt worse once i realised how pathetic i was......the dogs constant barking must have woken him up, because within ten minutes he was outside, buddy wagging his tail and grinning...and he smacked him on the rump and told him to get inside...he sat down right beside me and rocked me side to side, kissing the top of my head...and i just buried my head in his chest...he never asked me what was wrong, he just rocked me...i began to stop and wiped my eyes, calling myself names, saying a great deal in german and just trying not to cry and failing...he pulled me back in and said i was so frail...and that only fueled the fire with me...he went on talking, telling me that whatever it was, whenever i was ready to tell him, he'd be ready. i got up with him and went and got in bed, and as soon as he slid up next to me, i got the worse image in my head, and i ended up crying myself to sleep, with him right by me, trying to help...i woke up around breakfast and he was already gone for work. there was a note on the dresser reminding me he'd be late, but that bill and michael might be coming over, so to make sure i was dressed...danny must have gone by to visit james, because he found out where the hosue was and came by, dropping off another cd while he was at it. i didn't even know he was there until he woke me from sleeping again. when i pulled the cover off he whistled because my legs were bare, and he was out of reach of being smacked. i ended up pulling the cover back on, and he dragged me, literally, out of bed. he told me he knew if he left me alone i'd go right back to bed and stay there getting good and depressed. he got me up and into the kitchen, sat me down on a stool. he tried acting like a chef, doing the french accent and all, rubbing his chin and stuff. i didn't smile until he burnt himself fixing me a grilled cheese and soem soup...he left when i was done and told me to call him later about all the bjs i owe him. when i stood up and started undoing his pants he went 'whoa, that mr., will get you in trouble'. which trouble he meant, i really don't know. i mean, if he's gonna bitch, i might as well do it, and of course, that's what i do, right. i just do whatever i get, whoever, whenever, however, whatever. because i'm mike, and that's who mike is. of course. he left and i went back to bed. james shook me awake whenever, and he was asking me to get up and clean up before they got there, and i asked if i could just stay in bed...he leaned on his elbow and just looked at me...he was looking into my eyes and he said fine, that he would see me later when they left. i didn't...i slept like a log...
031103
diary of dreams

mother see, that all my life
i planted flowers to survive
and as they faded i stopped to speak
i painted flowers
and nobody knows why...

no awakening, no lullaby
i only felt the need to try
to have the guts or the stupidity
to grab for stars, that i can't reach at all.

father see, that i have tried
to find that angel deep inside
that you once promised i would meet
and once again i ended in defeat.

even here i could feel your eyes
heard your whispers and felt your eyes
brother said "come back to life"
i asked some friends
and nobody knew why...

nobody had ever seen
my flood of tears
i can't believe you found me here.

it took some time to find these words
i wrote them down in hope that they might help
watch me walk barefoot on glass
insecure as only a newborn child can be.

others came to laugh at me
they pointed fingers as i could see
believe me saying it's not the skin
it's the stranger living deep inside.

mother see, that all my life
i painted flowers to survive
and as they faded i stopped to paint
i fell asleep
and nobody knows why...

father see, that i have tried
to build a world with only me inside
millions of flowers surround my bed
now i still grab for stars and i can reach them all.

...i went over to jamesies house today. we watched some movies, like the rock, teenage mutant ninja turtles, and something else...it was roughly 3 or 4 when we were done, giving me two hours until i had to call my mum and tell her i'd be over later to get snazzy to go out for dinner and that i was going. we sat around talking, and i asked questions about him, because i don't really know him beyond the social level where i met him. i found out, he owns his house and whatnot, he's not close to my age...in fact he's almost double my age, and he doesn't even look it, he looks like he's bordering on 28 or something. he has a dog, who's currently at the vet because he's been sick. it's a black lab. he's been working at starlite since i pretty much left georgia the first time, and before that he was a teacher for awhile, but couldn't stand the disrespectful kids. i can say mutual things about that. he talked about diving and how he does that as a hobby, since i mentioned my hobby was painting for the most part. he's been doing that since he was really little, and even offered to teach me if i wanted to go diving with him some time out on the coast. he said if they got together every time he was off it would get done quickly. and i wouldn't mind going to go do that, i love water and the sea, and otherwise i'd have to pay a huge amount of money. he asked me about alex and how that was going, how long i've been with him, why i was with him if he pulled that stunt, how'd i get sick. he asked me alot of questions like that and some about my parents. i got rid of my sick, my parents, my cat, my painting and all the little things that have always been apart of my life or seemed to have been, at the beginning of the conversation. i talked about alex way more than i thought i could with anyone, telling him things i don't think i've told people. like...i don't really ever mention when he snaps at me sometimes, because they happen very little, and usually it is my fault. like when i forgot to wash the wet clothes from one of our outings and they just sort of went bad. i didn't mean to, ya know. i mentioned things that have been happening lately, about his parents and mine blowing up occassionally and for frivolous matters, about how confused i was right now over alex, because i have no idea what happened, and i don't know if i can trust what he says after this morning. and i mentioned going out with my mum later and i asked about his parents, if they had the same effect on him, did they ever hate him for being him, or just been mean, and he told me he wouldn't know, since his parents died in a car wreck about ten yrs ago, when i was just a kid.and i hate to say it, but that instantly made me feel better...i didn't feel bothered by it at all, i admired he had that weight off his shoulders...i couldn't help admiring him at all, he's done alot of good things, and he seems relatively in good manners. when i talked with him before last at starlite, when i wasn't feeling all to great and he was fooling around asking and making jokes, he had been a little tipsy, and he apologised for that. i had started looking around the room, actually looking at it and the things in it, and his home was very wholesome, very family-isk. i started when he touched my cheek and asked me something, and i didn't hear it, so i asked what he said. and he had asked, why i stayed with someone that only used me as a fucktoy and to be there, why i would consider staying after that, how do i know he hasn't done it before...and i told him i stayed because he's the only one that would take me wholly for certain reasons, because he's taken care of me for over a year, that i've done the same thing by accident to him with a girl when i was trying to make him go away and leave me, that he's the only one that cares...i wanted to say because he's the only one that loves me, but i realise, i have plenty of people that love me. i have my parents, my friends, and stuff...i did say i loved alex, and i do...and james just, he brushed it all aside and asked what the certain things were, he said he could take care of me better, that if what i did was an accident it wasn't wrong, that even though he doesn't know me he cares about me and finds love in a friendship between us. i told him i didn't want to repeat soemthing i've done, and i don't want to be a whore anymore and i don't want to cheat on alex just because i'm confused. he took his hand from the side of his head and put it on mine and told me that halloween eve, alexes table ordered columbian coffee, capachinos[sp], the girl ordered water and heinekins the entire time, and that the same girl bought one pitcher of beer for the table they were at. alex, wasn't drunk...i stood up and asked where the bathroom was, and ran for it, and all the smoothie from earlier just, fell in the toilet, along with the sandwich i had snatched from mums...when i raised my head, he was there with a damp cloth to help me and he told me if i wanted it there was scope in the cabinet, so i got some of that...we sat back on the sofa and he rubbed my hand and said he was sorry for telling me, and that the person that was the bartender that night was a girl who he talked to often, but that he's the one that took over the drinks to everyone...he was just trying to spare my feelings and give me hope...he asked me if i would stay with him for awhile, so i said yes, and i said it without a second thought or glance, or anything...alex starts work tomorrow, i'll grab everything then and come stay with james, he has two free rooms and i doubt he'll care, or wish me to stay alone in a room by myself. he rubbed the surgical tape and asked me why i was wearing it, so i undid it, little by little, and showed him what was there, and it was a bit puffy, and pink, but there it was, a cut along the width of my right wrist, smiling back at me. he asked me if that was something i did often, and i told him i only did it because of what i heard from danny...i pulled up my sleeve and showed him rows and rows of scars, piled on each other and i said i used to do it everyday until i went to a psychiatrist and mental ward up north for the summer.i told him that's why i had stayed with alex, because he could put up with it for one, and two, because he was the only one that could. and james told me he'd already been there with an ex, that they split up because his ex didn't think he understood it and just left, with some of his money even...he asked me if he could kiss me, like little kids ask, almost shy shitless, and i didn't say yes, and i didn't say no. i on the other hand, asked if we could take a nap, before i went out tonight, because i was tired. he said fine, and i asked which room he would let me borrow for awhile, and he asked if it was ok if he took a nap with me, and in his room. so i nodded and kicked off my shoes and got under the first cover. i got too hot and had to throw it off, and he said if i took my shirt off i probably wouldn't get so hot, i hesitated, and he pulled it off for me. he moved in closer and said 'better?', and i asked if this was all just some excuse to get in my pants because i'm confused and tired and hurting, and he told me it wasn't. that from what he saw, from what he overheard of my conversation and what he's heard from me, the way i speak, that he wanted to because he liked me. he said he could back off if i wanted, that he would never try and be like alex...he wouldn't use me because i was vulnerable. it was all hard for me to believe, because james doesn't look anything like half the people i hang around. well, not entirely. he's clean cut and shaven with black short shaggylike hair and healthier than matt. i just...i don't know, i don't know if i was being gullible or what or he was truly sincere...but i went with it, i believed it. i gave in. i let him kiss me and i didn't care for the most part, things just die anyway, don't they. like my heart and my love...i have too much love to give and no one that will use it right or will stay on this planet long enough to let me...he took off our clothes later on and pushed them off the bed or to the side, where i pretty much lost them. he didn't do anything like alex at all. i never said this before, but even though i acclaimed alex for being gentle in most things, he wasn't gentle in these respects, and this is where i gave away brownie points like i owned a factory. he didn't act like he was in a hurry or that that was all pointless. it wasn't sex at all even...he treated me like he had known me for years, like i was his best friend or something of the sort, like i was made of glass...he treated me alot differently than everyone else i had ever been with...and i asked him, why he was treating me the way he was, and he talked softly near my head and told me that it was special...that if this was his only chance he wanted to make it a beautiful thing to remember...that if i did come back, i'd always remember the first time and who he really is...he told me later, that i wasn't a fucktoy...i was a human being...i mattered......i don't know how long it lasted or when we started, all i remember is everything going slow, like a nice walk, that everything wasn't focused on our nether regions, that it was about holding each other and kissing one another like you would kiss a babys cheek...he didn't squeeze my arms or hips or dig nails into me i didn't deserve, or clutch my shoulders as he went into me repeatedly...he held me sometimes, sometimes he let a hand snake into my hair to cradle my head and neck, sometimes he paused and looked at me and said some words...and when we got close, i asked him to speed up just a little, and he did, just a little, and then a little more, and a little more, until i just lost my sight for a while...and he went on until i felt warm on the inside, and he hugged me and kissed me and got the hair out of my face from where i had turned my head. and he didn't say thank you, or this or that, or anything that would make me feel like a two bit this or that...he just told me he'd always remember 'this'...when i could see everything without sparkles again, i had leaned on my arm to look at the clock...and then it hit me he hadn't used anything, because it was still on the dresser...so i picked it up and hung my head and asked him if he did it on purpose, and he said he didn't but that it didn't mean anything to him either way...no one lives forever...it was five when i looked at the clock, and i asked if i could use his shower, and he pointed out where things were. his detachable shower head really did help out too. as i was washing up in there, i thought back to previous times in the shower and i realised, i had been doing more with alex than i ever have. and i hadn't even started half of it...and when i did, i felt like i had to...alex hasn't done what james did since way back...it just all sort of went down hill. maybe alex has been seeing matt ever since i left...maybe i'm just getting paranoid again and need to take my medication again...

aok, well...i went home from jamesies house, and before i left he gave me a warm hug and told me to drive careful since i was extra upset, and if it wasn't too much, to call when i got in. that was really sweet of him, and i did call when i got to my mums. when i got there it was hell trying to find something to wear out to eat, but i found a black button up long sleeve, and i already had my jeans alex bought for me and i managed to grab my chucks, so i wore all of that and it looked peachy enough to go out in. so me and my mum went out for dinner at some restaurant downtown, very snazzy. i looked like a goof, but me and mum didn't care, so it was aok. my mum made me part my hair at the nape and told me it looked better, so after hearing that four times, i give in. whatever she ate looked so fucking weird until i figured out it was pasta and some other stuff. i ordered some very odd soup, which i had to argue the waiter over to turn vegan for my scrawny ass. he was pissed when i was done, but little did he ever know of the spit balls attached to his coat. me and mum had an interesting conversation about dad, seems jerry straightened him out downtown after mum threatened to kick jerrys ass. so my dad is now officially going to therapy for awhile or anger management until he can resolve whatevers bothering him. she asked me how my day went, and i told her i spent it watching movies with someone from the cafe i go to. and she asked about that, and i said the movies went fine. she brought up alex calling our house at least 13 times asking where i was, that it was important. my mum told him to he deserved to go to hell for what he did, and if he called back she would get him for harrassment...and i choked on my bread and she asked if i was alright...and i told her i'm going to hell with alex...and she asked why, and i told her what i did this afternoon, and i had tears welling in my eyes. the last thing i want my mum to think is i'm a fucking whore. it would kill me...and she didn't after i explained it to her, and explained how he was and how wonderful he seemed and how if alex didn't want me anymore because i wasn't good enough, then someone else surely would because of being me...james said alot of good qualities from the inside...alex always saw the outside...james said some things about the outside too...but that's not my point. she grabbed my hand and told me what i didn't wasn't neccessarily wrong, but that i need to find what makes me happy, and keep it. and that's a two way street, because alex does make me happy...but that was just so wrong of him...i mean, i've never done anything wrong that i know of, i've been loyal, i've been relatively honest and open, i try to work through things, i take my meds, i try to be a sweetheart and make sure he's fine, and take care of what i can for him...idunno...i dropped my mum off home and walked her to the door, kissed her goodnight...and i asked her if i feel from the sky, would she be there for me...and she said she would catch me on my way down...i went back to jameses...and when he opened the door, i was praying not to be rejected, and he didn't...he just came out and hugged me, and thanked me for staying. he brought me in and locked the door, and i sort of stood around clueless and fidgety...so he took my hand and walked me to the bedroom and he closed the door, and i heard some music on, and it was beautiful and i recognised it...pantera...well, the opening looped is beautiful...i pushed the off button...he crawled in bed with his bottoms on, and i crawled in bed with my clothes on, curling under the cover away from him...he told me goodnight and rolled over on his side...i sat up and took off my shoes and socks and unbuttoned my shirt and let it slide to the floor. i moved in closer against his back and just curled there, and he turned over and said i didn't have to do that, i didn't have to do anything i didn't want to. i just tucked my head close to his chest and folded my arms up close to my face. he asked about my mum and dinner, and i described her and the dinner to him. he said he wouldn't mind meeting my mother one day for some coffee with me. he asked me if my mum looked anything like me, and i told him i looked more like my dad these days...i told him about how we almost got kicked out of the restaurant, after i made my mum laugh out loud. how i made her happy and i made her sad, and then hopeful too. she was happy because i mentioned james and how wonderful he was, sad when i mentioned alex and how i felt, and hopeful when i told her i was staying with james for awhile...she wants to meet him too. i've never felt so warm before...i haven't even got chills since i've been to his house, it's rather comforting in most respects. alex hasn't enquired for a long time about my parents or my thoughts on them...he just bitches about our parents...james said he was just still young, and i was too old to be where i am. i asked if he felt bad for doing what he was doing to one of his better friends, alex, right now or about me being so young...apparently i'm the only person who knows that's worried about this, because he said alex deserves it and age is just a number...and it is, really...i asked why he hadn't settled down with someone already, and he had a list of reasons that were harsh to him and made me want to shoot his previous engagements. he told me none of it mattered, to stop worrying because we were there and that's all that mattered. that i didn't have to worry about him running off with someone or this and that. i asked alot about appearances and he said if he didn't care to be there or want me there, why would he ask me to. when he moved in on me i could finally hear the rain, and it began to pour...i don't remember falling asleep, i barely remember what i did or he did, i remember the rain...i remember yelling out. this morning i woke up to the sound of the shower on full force, of him getting ready to go to work. i wasn't used to how bright his room was in the morning, so i had to hide under the cover as i walked to the kitchen. when i got there i could uncover some, and i had to because it was so warm in the house. he looked rather spiffy when he walked out, he kissed my cheek and made some tea, pointing out to me where there was food and all, i had to mention again i was a vegan, and he slapped his forhead and put a hand on his hip, and said sorry. it was cute. he told me when i go get my things today, to put them where i would like, that i can use one of the rooms for my art supplies and art if i like, and to just throw my clothes in his closet if i want. if there was food i wanted to bring over to just throw it in the fridge somewhere or the cabinets, whatever was good for me. he told me to be careful and if there was any trouble to call him at the cafe and he would come over, and i told him i'd probably call danny, just to be careful with james. he said that was sweet but to call anyway. he asked me if i would pick up buddy at the vet later on or whenever, maybe take him for a walk after giving him some grub and make sure the latch on the fench out in the back yard was locked. so he wrote down the address for me and gave a call to the vet telling them to look out for me to pick him up. he left for work and the house didn't seem empty for some reason...i washed the covers on the bed and cleaned up around it, and put fresh ones on and made it all neat and tidy. i took a shower and straightened up the bathroom some. after doing all of that i grabbed a couple of carbage bags and drove by the apartment to get my things. it took me longer than i wished to find my clothes and put them in the bags, and it took me equally as long to figure out how to get everything in my car. the last thing i got was my food and jugs of water, and i put all of that up front with me. i wrote a note before i left to both of them, and it went along the lines of 'i"m sorry for being in the way and such a burden to the both of you. i really thought you were my friend, and you my one and only. i wish you both the best even though you both have hurt me tremendously enough for me to physically injure myself. if you ever need anything or whatnot, you can leave a message with my mum, she knows hwo to get ahold of me - love, michael'...and i left the ring alex gave me to hold down the paper, and the bracelet matt gave me from one of our trips around jax. i also left the bandage from my arm, which was completely soaked in blood...i ran everything by the house and tried to put things out of the way and where i'd remember them, and i cleaned the fridge out and put my stuff in, while making his neater...and after that i rode over and picked up buddy. buddy is a beautiful black lab, and healthy and energetic. the vet stayed with me while buddy got acquainted with me, because she didn't want him to tackle me for beign a stranger. he stuck his head out the window as i drove, which was really cool, and he howled to some of the music i had blaring. it was awesome. i fed him and waited to take him for a walk, and i had to be careful, because i almost got lost in the neighbourhood. which happens to be veryvery pretty. full lawns, nice houses, lots of trees. very nice. i put him up and made sure he could get inside if he wanted, which only involved me fixing the overlarge doggy door. and it hit me...kittie's still at the apartment. so i had to go by starlite and find out if buddy liked cats and if i could bring mine to the house, and i nearly ran into alex, who was with some girl. the entire visit involved me sitting on the floor behind the counter next to james. he told me it was all fine and dandy to bring kittie over, but only if he was litterbox trained and wouldn't run up and down his furniture scratching it. and that made me laugh, because that's the last thing he would do. and then alex came to the counter to get a refill and asked if i had been in for my green tea or anything and they actually talked about me while i was under the counter sort of =| james said he had heard from someone about alex sleeping with his roommate and asked if i had said that, and james said i might have, he wasn't sure, and alex said i was just being a dumbass, trying to get him in trouble again. alex was joking about me sleeping around and asked if he got me held down if that would be something james would like, or if it was just alex and james. james didn't reply and alex whispered something really really vulgar to him i'm not going to even type. james told him he was already seeing someone, and alex asked who, and i was scared he'd say my name until he said 'one of your friends i think. tall, dark, handsome, you know. very sweet, full of love, kind and caring. but then, everyone you knwo is like that alex', 'no one i know, but good for you all the more'...i had my head in my hands again and james squeezed my shoulder, saying i should probably go home and shake it off, that he'd be there in an hour or so...i put on some really sad song by him and just curled up in bed after i found the strength to take off my shoes and pants, just curling up in my shirt and the covers. i slept all day, having nightmares and dreams i couldn't understand. i woke up and wandered down the hall and into the living room. and he had a couple over talking with them. i wandered around to the kitchen and got some juice and some pita bread and wandered back in the bedroom to look for my pants and i couldn't find them, nor any of my clothes, so i put on one of his shirts which was long, and wandered back into the lving room and asked him where all my clothes were. he told me buddy had pulled them down off the hangers and used them for a bed, so they were in the wash. he said then 'besides, you don"t look bad in just a tshirt'. the couple was two guys, and i say couple not because there was two of them, but because the way they were situated. they looked older too, so maybe they've known james for awhile. he patted the seat next to him on the sofa, so i sat down with my legs under me. it took me awhile, between him finger combing my hair and being lost mid conversation, that they were talking about me and my problems. the blonde guy was an accountant, michael, and the darker haired one was bill, who i think was an accountant too, or something like that. they had dropped in on james from up north and were seeing how he was doing after all this time. they said they came by around 10, but all they got was the dogs answer. i kept quiet unless they asked me something directly, and stayed close to him. they mainly talked about alex and everything like that or associated with him. bill apologised for going on and on about my problems without consulting me, and i told him it was fine, i was used to it...i was just a little hungry. so they proposed all of us going out to eat. and i reminded them i didn't have any pants to wear, and that there was a low chance of me fitting in any of there clothes. so james said it was fine, we'll run by the store real quick and grab me some jeans or something. they decided together we'd go to this thai restaurant downtown and we'd meet the others there as soon as we got some pants for me. so we went to walmart and i ask how he was supposed to get me in there without them being mad i'm pantless. and he pulled a pair of swim trunks out of his trunk and told me to put those on, and he dragged me inside, hiding behind my hair and under his big shirt. he told me to look for my size and i was baffled. because i didn't know my size. so he grabbed a pile of pants and went and got me to try them all on until i found a pair that fit. i had to have him go get a 3234/3032 after figuring it out. they were still a bit big on me but that's aok, i needed the room. he went in the dressing room with me and tugged on them to make sure i wasn't going to fall out of them, and they slipped a little when he yanked, but he said that would be fine for future uses. i told him the last good use that came out of big pants was in a grocery store after hours. and he asked me if that was one of those situations where alex made me do something i didn't want to, and i had to get him to realise i started that one...when we got out to the car i took off the swim trunks and overlarge shirt while we were still in the parking lot. i had to dig in the bag hunched over trying to get the shirt out, which wasn't cooperating with me =| and i got that on, which was a black/charcoal tshirt. and then i finally got my pants on and went to button them up and zip them, and he said he's 'got it', and did it for me...i really didn't want to go out to eat after that =\ i just wanted to jump in the backseat and go at it until my limbs fell off. and he did that at dinner too, just casually touching my leg, or resting his hand whenever i stopped talking or i just dazed out. i didn't mean too, but god damn, i can only understand accounting so much when it comes to maths. it's just god damn boring! i tried, i really did, to find something interesting, but alas, i know i'll never be an accountant >.>...they went on and on about this and that, and i just tuned out, i wasn't ever going to have any info they didn't already have on whatever they were talking about. i did fill myself up though on noodles and veggies and some weird soup...

"some things can never be explained why every sky still looks the same and i wonder how my world would look without you some things can never be explained like how our scars remain the same and i wonder how the sky would look without my star sleep seems a dream away and a year too late words that can't be spoken stream off my face i want to be selfish you are my everything some things can never be explained why does your love remain unchanged cause i know it wouldn't be the same without you sleep seems a dream away and a year too late words that can't be spoken stream off your face please don't forget my name and take me with you when you leave i've got a lot to lose i've got to let it go please don't forget my name."~The Juliana Theory

we left there, and i wanted to pick kittie up finally since i hadn't earlier...so we went by the apartment, and matt and alex were home. i asked james to wait in the car while i went and got the cat food and stuff. when i stepped inside they just stared at me. and alex asked what i wanted. and i told them quietly i came to pick kittie up and his things. i got kitties litter, litter box, and food and put them in the trunk, and i went back in to get kittie and alex was holding him, and i picked kittie up and put him on my chest. he asked if i would stay to talk, and i told him i couldn't, that i had to go. he said he was drunk, and i told him i knew he wasn't, that someone from the cafe told me. he said he'd never do it again, that he was sorry. and matt left the room. i told him i've been beaten, i've been raped, i've been used, i've been harrassed and abused, outcasted, but that i couldn't handle what he was doing. i can't handle his parents prejudice against me, i can't handle him calling me names, i can't handle him lying to me or going behind my back, that i didn't do anything wrong to deserve it. i gave away everything i knew to stay with him, i gave him everything he wanted. and he just did what everyone else has ever done to me.

"The end will come quickly now, my love. There is a pain beyond pain, an agony so intense, it shocks the mind into instant beauty. We will find immortality together, and they will remember me through you." -Vincent Price

then he tried to pull something along the lines of, he's done this or that and i need to do this or that to compensate. and i told him i'd rather be raped by every person that ever hated me, then to stay here with him, where i know he'll end up doing it, since he already tried. i walked out the door with kittie hissing up a storm and i got in jameses car after putting kittie in the back, and james got out after he told me alex saw him already. and he went to go talk with him. they kept pointing at the car where i was holding kittie and they took so long, i eventually got out of the car, and just started walking. i heard yelling, i heard my name, but i kept walking. and i walked so far, i got into the bad neighbourhood. i went straight into a bar and showed my fake id. i drank liquor until i was laying my head down on the counter. i walked to the restroom and sat in one of the stalls curled up. at some point someone was undiong the fly on my pants and i started pushing and kicking, and i finally wedged both my legs against the biggest part of them and pushed, and i started yelling and one of the bartenders came in and kicked the other guy out for being way too drunk. he offered to call me a cab, and i told him i would walk, i wasn't that wasted, or couldn't be. which i found out otherwise while trying to walk upright. i eventually tripped on the sidewalk, because there was a piece of edge sticking up, which i'm sure anyone sober could have busted their ass on in teh dark, and i fell and when i hit the ground i said fuck pretty loud...after so long a car stopped not too far from me. my first thoughts were 'i"m a dead person'. and then james was over me, fussing about me walking, and then being peeved at me drinking, after i told him i shouldn't be drinking. he scooped me off the sidewalk and got me vertical, i grabbed my head to try and stop it from spinning, and that just was a really bad idea. he tossed me in bed and took my shoes off, yanked on my pants, and i was a bit paranoid after that. and just him getting on the bed was too much, so i got out and made my way to the bathroom, quickly...he came in later and sat down by me and put my head on his shoulder. he told me if i went back i would probably feel better, rather than sitting on the cold tiles confused. i said alex told me the same thing once, but at the time i hadn't wanted to. he asked me to trust him to let him do something for me. so i did, i felt better, nothing to say about it.i wouldn't write it down amy unless it actually meant something. when alex made me feel better, either that way or with some sorbe and a camp out on the sofa, it was nifty, but...i wasn't all there. i was always detached, thinking about something else. it was mostly some problem i had found or made or encountered and couldn't fix by myself, and neither could anyone else...like this one time, i was so fixated on trying to figure out how to work something out with his parents, so they'd get over everything and grow up, and i only wanted to fix it, because if i didn't i was going to feel like perpetual shit until my grave. and i was sitting there sharing soem raspberry sorbe with him, and i asked him something like, hey, do you think if i sat down with them they might get off there high horse? if they see me sick and take in some form of pathos for me, and he just said for us to talk later, or that it didn't matter right now, he'd take care of it, fixed on the tele. so i let it go, and things went to hell with his parents. the sex thing he did one time, i didn't even want, i didn't want to be touched or anyone near me, i just wanted some time to cry and get it out of my system and get over it. but he didn't listen, and i only felt like shit later. well, guilty if you want a word for it. and the time he rubbed my shoulders in the car i was too pissed off to give a damn, i just wanted some space. truth, i did want some space when james was sitting next to me, persuading me to go get in bed. but i did want off the cold floor and wall, i wanted to be warm. i wanted to get some sleep, but i was too upset to sleep, to upset to do anything other than cry. but he got me to get up and to sit in bed. he was digging through his dressed and told me to take my shirt off...and that was a battle with me. i was going to get really cold if i did and i was lacking clothing on my side as is. and he just waited until i took it off, not frowning, or yawning, or demanding. just smiled. he asked me if i knew what 'this' was, and i took it and looked at it, and it was oil you use or proffessional massagers use, and it smelled really nice too, like vanilla or jasmine or something like that. he got me to sit indian style and poured that stuff on my back and started working the muscles in my neck and back, and my skinned warmed up quickly, and i didn't recall that until then. it probably wouldn't have been so cold at first if he had rubbed it in his hands. he told me he wasn't trying to strip me, he just didn't want to get it on my clothes, which won't come out by the way...he took all of the tension out that most people never get all the way out of my neck. it was awesome fore sure. he did the same thing to my arms and chest and my legs and whatnot and i felt a whole lot better, i didn't feel bad about alex anymore, i was just sleepy. he asked me if i would do the same for him, and he pulled off his long sleeved shirt, and i was sort of afraid to go on the request, because coming from alex and the last time i did that, he hated my thin fingers to hell, and i told james that, and he said he trusted me. after i flipped the cap on the bottle, that was diminishing its lifespan, he pulled me into a hug and pulled up the covers. calling alex a dumbass for belittling me and for using me, and i asked 'is that not what you"re doing', and i offended him. he said he didn't expect anything from me or want anything, except for maybe a bit of love. that he did everything in the last few days because he thought i wanted it, that he did it in the best intentions and considered how i felt. i indicated 'this' that just happened, and he said he wanted to make me feel better, he didn't want something out of me or to stick me or whatever. that he didn't want some fling, that he wasn't alex, he knew what he wanted. and i actually thought he just wanted a fling, because i'm turning nineteen, i'm hurting and lost, and he's just the opposite...he reached over me and turned on his stereo, and i recognised the music, and i whispered to ask who sung it, and he said jeff buckley, and i realised why the name seemed so familiar to me when josh told me about him. he used to be close with radiohead. i even ahve a cd somewhere, buried in my crap where i can't find it. he sung the song that was on, and sweet baby jesus, i love his voice...as i listened to the words, i began to cry...hard...and i found the lyrics for the song...

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then I'll go :
you gave me more to live for,
more than you'll ever know.

This is our last embrace,
must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Baby, maybe it is just because I didn't know you at all.

Kiss me, please,
Kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know,
it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye.

Did you say "no, this can't happen to me,"
and did you rush to the phone to call?
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind saying,
"maybe... you didn't know him at all."

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memory
Of her sighs that, "it's over... it's over..."

...he wiped the tears away and asked me why i was crying so...and i told him how i had believed in him and i was mislead by what i was fed...and he asked me if he fed me the same thing and meant it, would i stay, and i told him i didn't know anymore what love was. i'm not sure i want to know anymore...the music made me sad...i stood up and slipped on the jeans from earlier and got my him cd out of my car, forgetting my fly was open as someone walked past. i came in and put it in his stereo, and i got him to lay on his back so i could lay over him, and i placed my headphones over his ears delicately, and told him that this is what made me feel alive, and it's truth...i love ville, always have. i cranked up the volume on max, and told him to listen and to feel it, tell me i'm wrong...and this is the song i let him hear first...

Thereís a flame that leads all souls astray
No oneís safe from its tender touch of pain
Everyday itís looking for new slaves
To celebrate the beauty of the grave

We are like the living dead
Sacrificing all we have
For a frozen heart and a soul on fire
We are like the living dead
Craving for deliverance
With a frozen heart and a soul on fire

Again weíre falling for disgrace
And hate will shelter us from the rain
We are enslaved by the sacred heart of shame
And gently raped by the light of day

We are like the living dead
Sacrificing all we have
For a frozen heart and a soul on fire
We are like the living dead
Craving for deliverance
With a frozen heart and a soul on fire

Addicted to our divine despair
The venom of the cross we bear
The guilt will follow us to death
We are like the living dead
Sacrificing all we have
For a frozen heart and a soul on fire
We are like the living dead
Craving for deliverance
With a frozen heart and a soul on fire

...and he was shaking...from how high i had certain riffs put up on his stereo, the tweaks like i have in my car. his hair was standing on end, and he asked for more music, so i switched to buried alive by love, circle of fear...he eventually took the ear phones off and just hugged me, my hair sticking to his chest from the oil. he told me he liked my music, that it reminded him of me, somehow...and i asked him if he wanted to know something else, and he smiled and nodded, and i told him he had pretty eyes in german, and his smile widened into the biggest thing ever, and he went wow. he was starstruck like a little kid, even alex wasn't like that. i told him about how i grew up and my mum always spoke to me in german and stuff, and that i had to learn english later on from her when i was going to go to school. he asked if both my parents were german and if i was from there, and i told him no, my dad was italian and i was born in seattle, moved to georgia when i was five ish. he really liked my german though, kept asking me to say things then tell them what it was. i taught him some basics which aren't that hard, like hello, goodbye, good morning, goodnight, thank you, how are you, which altogether aren't that hard. i called him a silly goose too because he was trying to roll his tongue for one of the r's and he sounded funny. i've never met anyone that interested in knowing something. everyone else always goes neat or laughs and stuff. he tried pulling off some spanish and french in front of me but i knew those a bit more than he thought. i don't know hwo to write the french, but i know he said 'this is the language of love', and i told him unless he has some funky cheese stuffed in his pocket, a funny shirt and hat, a bad smell, and a french accent, it could work. but he didn't have pockets, nor a shirt or hat, and he smelled wonderful, like the oil, and i rather much like his deep voice than a french accent, at least to me...-coughes-...ehm...i got on to check my email, and there was one from danny, he was working, and sent me this thing below, but i read the one about the pigs, and starting blushing and thinking he was a goose. he said he has another cd for me, adema, er...yeah, i guess i can listen to it. i went back and told the pig one after some of the other funny ones, and he said 'wanna try and see if they"re wrong?' and i asked if this was something like alex would do, and he said he really wanted to see if he could. we both tried one another, and i still think that pig's god damn lucky =|...the phone was ringing while he was trying to do something >.> and when he picked up i was trying to scream in the phone we were busy. but he just leaned on his elbows talking into the phone and brushing my nose and eyes and he asked 'can it wait til tomorrow', and they wouldn't have it, so he said fine and he hung up. he told me alex wanted to talk with him, and i frowned. i didn't want him to leave, and certainly not to see alex, because he might kick his ass or vice versa or it'll get to yelling, and it's about me, it has to be, why else would they want to meet up. and i said/asked 'i guess i"ll see you when you get back if i"m not asleep', and he asked what, that he wasn't leaving until we were through. he wasn't like that. he didn't even rush it and i gave away brownie points again. and when he got up i asked if he was going to take a shower, and he just went and washed his face and threw on a hoodie and some sweats and said he'd take one with me when he got back, if i was awake. i dozed off in all the covers and sheets and pillows, just comfy and oh so warm. buddy even got up on the bed near my feet, and kittie was curled up right by my face purring when i fell asleep. he woke me up when he got back, and pushed the hair away and said i felt like i had a fever, and i just felt warm is all. he asked me if i wanted to take that shower, and i was wigging in and out thinking about a shower, but not really saying anything except no, and he asked me to take a bath, bath=no standing, so i breathed a yes, and stumbled into the bathroom. he said while the oil was nice, it's probably a better idea to get it all off just in case. i asked about what had happened when he met up with him, and he said he firstly commented on his smell and that he didn't mean to bother james if he was busy. and he had said he was busy, but that he got what he wanted to finish finished. alex asked why i was staying with him, and he told alex i was styaing with him because alex didn't know how to treat me good. which, pissed him off for being accused of such, and pissed james off because he thought i deserved better. alex asked if i had already got on my knees or not and he said not to talk about me like that around him. he reformed the question to simple terms and he told him that we had both wanted it in one way or another. he apologised to me though, because he said he found my smokes in his pocket where i had thrown them, and he ended up smoking half of them. he told me he understood why i smoked now, i have to aroudn alex to stay calm. which i laughed at and told him i smoked because i had anxiety, and for when my meds run low. he said alex asked alot of questions that didn't necessarily require brain cells. and james said whatever sometime inbetween, and that he was going back home before i worried. alex finally asked him at his car window, if he liked the fact i was fucked up and unhealthy and beyond repair. and james told him he didn't give a damn, because those thigns can be healed and gotten over. that if he really gave a damn about me he would realise what a sweet 'kid' i was and how much i have to give to someone. 'obviously you can"t see that, can you'. alex tried to argue that he did care about me but that this and that just screwed it over and accused him of just using me as a fuck buddy. and james snapped at him that i was fucking human and that i wasn't put on a guilt trip into having sex, that he made it a choice for me. he told alex he was a dumbass, to his face, because one would have to realise all the bullshit i went through to udnerstand. that alex didn't get how me being hurt at school or where i got hiv from, or how i was harrassed at school affected me in those respects. that i was literally fucked up on how to trust people with it anymore. and the way he put it, i understood and had thought about it once beign that way, but discarded it as just me being a dumbass before...i always did have trouble, and before alex, i made sure i was good and wigged out before doing anything. i probably would have said no everytime if given the chance and tiem to think over it. i never really needed it or anything, i thought about it and may have wanted it when i couldn't help it, but still...i think the way he put it was a solid explaination. alex tried to argue and asked if i had tried saying he tried to rape me yet, and he told alex, the way he was talking, he'd believe me about it. he told alex to go grow up. alex called him a pedophile. and that's when he almost got out of the car and hurt him he said. the last thing james said was along the lines of 'let"s see who michael stays with'...i told him i was sorry he had to put up with alex, and he said he was sorry i had to put up with him. i emailed dani and told him what was all going on, and he told me he didn't know whether or not to tell me that before, but that alex had tried getting him to sleep with him when they were in germany, and several times while in seattle. he only put up with him because he was my boyfriend and i acted like he's all i had. i apologised for that and he said it was aok. but yeah...bath was nice and warm and huge. i had my forhead against his shoulder most of the time, just resting and dozing...he asked me how i stayed so pale, even though he was sure i wnet out every now and then...and i grinned...no one ever asks me that, so i thought i'd just tell him and laugh at my ingenious secret...sunblock...the best sunblock or highest i guess...works like a charm. he even washed my hair for me, after i kept dropping the shampoo. and he didn't yanked my hair like alex did, or get his fingers caught or matte my hair. he said he really admired me for keeping it so long, and leaned me back to wash out the shampoo. i asked him if he was always so nice and caring or if it was a show just to prove alex wrong, and he asked me to stop comparing him to alex for one, and two, that he wasn't...i apologised and he grabbed my shoulders and told me to stop saying sorry for things i couldn't help, that i'll feel better. we dried off and went and got in his bed went to bed. i felt very safe and warm...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee . (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)! A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (K, In my next life, I want to be a pig!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home............................ maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") ...

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig........................ can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
011103
void - pulse ultra

you're sad cause you found yourself
and the boredom is killing you
you know all the cracks in your wall
they're staring right back at you
in time you will see
you're not alone in this tonight
i know your void
the boredon is killng you take flight
away from yourself

disguise yourself in your masks
you're balancing on the thin line
you'd better rush back to shore
in time you will see
there's no running

you're not alone in this tonight
i know your void
the boredon is killng you take flight
away from yourself

a restless static in your being
alters everthing you're seeing
when all the outlets seem so worn
you shouldn't feel so torn

you're not alone in this tonight
i know your void
the boredon is killng you take flight
away from yourself
you're not alone in this tonight
there's more than one
person inside of you take flight
away from yourself

close to the flame - him

the kiss sweetest
and touch so warm
one smile kind
in this world so cold and strong

we're so close to the flame
burning brightly
it won't fade away
leave us lonely

the arms safest
and words so good
the faith deepest, yeah
in this world so cold and cruel

we're so close to the flame
burning brightly
it won't fade away
leave us lonely

so close to the flame
burning brightly
won't fade away
leave us lonely

close to the flame
burning brightly
won't fade away
leave us lonely

muh...last night...was sooooo long...firstly, i went out...wait, i knew i forgot something. my car. i keep mentioning i go places amy, but i've forgotten about it. my mums friends daughter just bought a new car and was getting rid of the old one. since they're well off and all, my mum and the daughters bartered together for something low and sold me the car. my mum went ahead and paid for me, apparently my parents have more money than i thought. 1992 honda accord...euroness. deep deep midnight blue, near black...i just hugged the damned thing when i got it, just petting it. and it seems the dear daughter had some class friends, because the engine has some CLASS work on it, lots of vibrant blue tubes, which means, if i can figure out how they're hooked, someone was racing the car before. and they also replaced the ignition hole and stick, so the ignition hole has a turqouise glow in the dark ring when you get in the car at night. and the stick is a similiar blue metallic colour. it's purdy...and spacy in case i >.> yes...but anywho...i went out last night to wal mart and bought a shitload of lollies, jolly ranchers, tootsie rolls, snickers, m&ms, warheads, and a bag of random lollies. finding a damn bowl to put it all in was even tougher =| i also went by my mums to step in and say ello and see how she was and if my dad was still a halfwit or gained some clarity since i technically ran away. she's really happy, and it sort of grossed me out to hear, but she told me her hopes about having a baby now, because they pretty much went at it again...and have been doing so. so yeah, that's that. she was actually setting up to hand out things to kids as i left too...i went home and did the same, and matt was there. it was really quiet and it bothered me, because he's usually going off the wall with some comment of his. he caught me between him and the sofa when i was getting rid of the trash and he spilled his beans and said he was sorry, but that the little tricks i did weren't funny at the time. and that's just about when i told him to go fuck himself...there is no way in HELL i'm going back in the closet for his or alexes sake, just because some dumbass thinks he's god and is doing something to help a friend. NO WAY. it took me forever. i can't believe he even said it, he asked me to keep mature when he brings people home and to act normal until he gives an aok. FUCK THAT. i told him bluntly if he brings over a girl and gets fuck, merry christmas to him and i'll go for a drive, if he brings voer some close minded bastard, i'm going to jail for killing someone. i mean, what the hell. what if one of those 'lovely' people come over while they're both gone and i'm here by myself painting or something, what then. i can't keep my own entirely, and i only scraped by the other day getting in a fight because i was so pissed off already and agitated and my limbs were screaming to do something. if someone catches me off guard, i'm screwed. it just upsets me that he would ask me that, and he should know better...i shoved him and got dressed to go out with danny and some guys. i couldn't find my loose jeans so i just threw on the ones alex had bought me the other day and a black button up. i couldn't find my combat boots either, so i just slipped on my chucks. i handed out lollies until alex came home and wouldn't stop messing with my clothes and hair. i left and went to the mall to meet up with danny. he gave me another cd, pulse ultra, who i like muchly. he also gave me another him cd, dark something and brilliant highlights. very, VERY worth it. i asked how much i owed him and he told me a blowjob =|...right. i think he was being serious too, that's the sad part. and before i go on, i'll add that i almost gave in to the request after getting really really drunk later on. and i only say that because he mistook my hair and started humping my hip =| assmonkie...we did a round about though and got maybe 3 others, who i didn't really talk to, i just talked to danny most of the time. we went to starlite, and everyone was decked out and dressed up and handing out lollies. we went to equinox and club one. they threatened to leave me at club one to be man handled. and this is about the time i started drinking. we drove around and about ad somehow we made it to tybee island and the lot of them went skinny dipping. our very nice looking sober driver was watching them in case they suddenly drowned. like the good drunks they are. when they came back from swimming i couldn't help staring, and maybe that's why he ended up humping my hip...we went all the way back to starlite, where at least half the pop was sober, so that worked. and that's when i ran into alex, with several men and women chatting about. i grabbed the biggest chair there to lounge in and i dozed off, my special smoothie melting probably somewhere on teh floor. someone with really big hands touched the back of my leg when i was still trying to wake up and slipping out of that. when i woke up again i was passed out in a car with someone trying to get an arm under my legs to lift me. i woke up on a sofa that wasn't mine and i hadn't seen before. i looked around and got up...i couldn't find out who i came home with, and i know sure as hell i didn't do anything i'd regret. but when i got up to use the restroom, i found dannys ht id laying on the counter, along with a note from someone, his keys, and stuff. i peeked in his room and he was sprawled across his bed, a bottle of skyblue tipped over on the floor. he looked like he was going to regret drinking last night later. i poked him in his right ass cheek until he woke up, which wasn't long, and layed on the bed with him, propping myself on my hands, and i asked him, why i was at his house. he covered his head and told me to go back to bed, that i didn't want to know. i asked if i had done anything wrong that i didn't know, and he said no. i asked if i broke something or got in a fight - no. 'god dammat you overgrown penis, tell me then'. and he got up and splashed water on his face, renewed his his drink with water and told me to sit on the bed, and he was standing over me just shaking his head. and at the time i thought, maybe he's lying, i might have really done something horrid last night and alex would be so upset with me and leave me and all this bullshit. he fixed my crazy hair and patted/rubbed my shoulder with his free hand. and he just, said it the best he could, taking pauses, which didn't help me. it was agony i didn't want to be put through. he told me, he took me home last night, which took forever because i was drunk and kept giving the wrong street. which i evidently couldn't remember. when he got me home he took me out of the front seat and picked me up halfly to walk in, because i had to fiddle with my key and the keyhole to get it right. two drunks, do not make a right. we finally got it with some teamwork and stumbled into the living room area and he said he dropped me on the sofa after i missed and fell on the floor. he had to go through two doors before he got the right door to the bedroom...and he told me, that...when he opened the door, and looked in, he saw alex, and then he saw someone else, with short hair, a guy...going at it...literally...no laying down or whatever. this sobered his senses and pissed him off...he slung me over his shoulder, me unconcious, and placed me in the back seat. i remember being put in the backseat...he didn't know what to do, so he brought me home with him and tucked me in on his sofa, with the help of his room mate it seems. and i know why he told me to sit down...it shocked the hell out of me...i don't know who it could be, and i believe danny, why would he lie. he didn't want to leave me in that situation...did want me to get hurt or hurt...i tried, i really did, to rationalise that danny might have saw wrong, he was drunk, shitfaced...that alex wasn't when he was at starlite. and then it just, i lost all of that rationalisation and gave in that maybe it did happen...i just sunk my head in my hands and started crying. he hugged my shoulders and rubbed my back saying it was going to be aok, and it wasn't...i know it wasn't...i left with him to go to the apartment and i went straight for the bedroom and there they were...alex and matt, sleeping. i picked up a book and threw it at alexes head, and i threw a shoe at matt. for a moment they looked around, at each other, at me...and it had to have hit them, but alex moved to get up to me. and all i could get out was 'you fucking asshole', and i left with alex trying to hold me down, and danny told him to get away from me, alex told him to stay out of this, so danny pushed him away, he stumbled over the sheet and fell on the floor. he told me not to leave, that it was a mistake, they were drunk, this and that. he can hold as much alcohol as i can almost, there is no way in hell he was gone that much he didn't know what he was up to. maybe i'm wrong. i said something, and he threw at me that i wasn't any better than him, that i've fucked up to, and that i fondle people when i'm sober and hug them and brush them and all that random stuff. so i'm a flirt, sue me, i do those things, i admit it, but i don't do them with any intention of pushing the borders, i do it out of fun and smiles. people know it, i know it. i called him a bastard and he told me not to be a hypcrite, and if not for danny grabbing my waist and lifting me away, i would have punched alex. the things people say to me are so FUCKING SILLY and LIES...danny dragged me to the car and buckled me in and went back to his house/apartment. more like a condo...i went up and layed on his bed while he went to work to get some things to all, and he came back and got in with me, and i asked if that weirded him out, and he stated he used to sleep in the same bed as his brother, it couldn't get any weirder. we slept off our hangovers...not like alex would find me anyway...not like he wants to...

buddha i feel like perpetual shit...i don't even remember eating anything or drinking yesterday, or whatever...i don't think i was near anyone sick, i didn't go outside in the cold without a jacket...i just went to my apartment and got bad news...maybe that's why...after i tossed my cookies though...i was clinging to the toilet, and i wanted so badly to make how i felt go away, that i was seriously considering hurting myself...i tried watching the tele, i fixed food, i went for a walk, but when i came back...i didn't do it though, i called my house to see if someone was home, and my mum was, she doesn't work this weekend i guess, surprisingly. i asked her what i had done wrong to see that last night, and she had biasedly taken my side for some reason.then i told her that her doing that wouldn't help me. she asked me what i wanted her to do...and i was a little prick about it, then i said sorry...she said she was going out for dinner tonight since dad wasn't there, and if i wanted to come, call before 6pm...and that if i want to come over before then, to just go ahead, she'd be home all day...that was a couple hours ago, so she probably went back to bed...right around when i hung up, is when i just lost everything i worked for...i couldn't reason out why alex did what he did, and i couldn't believe he was drunk at the time. but...i took apart one of the razors in amys stash cabinet...which i was wondering why it was a mens razor to begin with...and i just cut my arm and i didn't do a whole lot before danny came in, probably wanting to use the restroom...and i begged him to turn around, to not look. he said my name a couple times, telling me to give it to him, and i did...he gave me a rag to wipe off all the blood, then grabbed a guaze bandaid out of the bandaid box, little ones falling on the floor...and that's about when he noticed my wrist and tugged on my arm...he called me a fucking dumbass, and i explained to him i wasn't trying to kill myself, that that wasn't even the right way...i just wanted to watch the blood fall out. he kept mumbling 'i"m going to kick his ass', speaking of alex. he put another guaze on my wrist and wrapped in with surgical tape around my whole wrist...and when he was done i looked at it and i almost wanted to die at seeing how small it was...i can't wait until i go to the docs...i know they can do something about my mass...they have to......i asked danny if he'd take me to my apartment so i could get some fresh clothes, and that if he said yes, he can't come in a kill alex...danny took me over and let me go in to get something to wear, and i was digging through our closet while he was asleep, trying to find something, and when i did, i moved for the bathroom where all my medication was, that i desperately needed to take, and on my way out, alex nailed me to the wall, holding my arms, and as i tried to move, he squeezed the hurt one, and he must have heard the sound i made because he let go quickly. i put my hand under my shirt to press against it, and there wasn't any blood seeping out so that was a relief...he asked me what happened and i spit out for him to go fuck himself, then i corrected myself and replaced him with matt. and he said it was an accident, again. he said he was drunk, again. i called him a liar and he asked me if i was jealous or something, he said a bunch of shit after that, along the lines of matt being better than me, that he wasn't a whore, that he had meat on him, that he wasn't a dumbass like i was...and i said to him that he better be fucking drunk...i could smell the alcohol three feet away, so he had to have been drinking at some time...he leaned in as i looked away and whispered in my ear matt was 'waaaaaayyy' better than me...and when i pushed him to leave, he squeezed my arm really hard, enough to make me want to cry, and i decked him...and i continued to hit him and eventually danny came in and found me hitting him and punching him and saying fuck...and i was barely getting the word out, sort of like the song fuck frankie can't say the word...and danny grabbed any limb he could to get me off...and the last thing i got in was a kick to alexes side, which sent him curling. and he wasn't the only one who got hit, he hit me back when i wasn't hitting for his face, and he at one point was on top of me trying to pin me down, but i kneed him, and that's when i flipped over and started just throwing anything i could...danny grabbed my arm and flung me out the door, grabbed my clothes off the floor and the meds that spilled out of my bag and we went to get my car so i'd be able to drive around...
'pray your life was just a dream, the cut that never heals
pray now baby, pray your life was just a dream'
...i cried all the way to get my car, and when i drove over to my mums, i gripped my wrist so i wouldn't cry...i didn't take a shower, because my mum probably doesn't have fresh bandages...so i just put on my tshirt and dickies. with my shirt you can see the bandage...i twisted my hair up and pulled out my beanie from my bag and stuffed my hair in it. when i crawled in bed with my mum, she hugged me and got upset when she saw my arm and wrist. she fell asleep so i left her a note saying i went to go get coffee, so i went by starlite and instead had a smoothie, lounging in my favourite chair...i was there for maybe ten minutes or so, and james came up to me and sat down. after i didn't talk for awhile he asked me what was wrong and i told him he didn't want to know, and he said he did, so i told him what danny saw the other night and james didn't seem shocked...he told me him and some girl that worked there saw alex leave with someone. i asked if they had been drinking, and he said i'd have to ask the barternder from that night...he told me to come by his house later and we'd watch a movie or something, and to call there before coming over. i don't know if i'll do that...mainly because he told me he'd make me feel better, and knowing him there's a good chance that isn't some cookies and milk...but i don't know how much i care anymore...it's fine, people fuck up,...but alex never fucks up...he wants me to stay over at his house until i fix things, but i told him i might be staying with danny or my mum, but then i fixed that, because dannys roommate might not like that, and i think i don't want to be at home alone for the next few days since mum goes to work...so i might just end up staying at jamesies house. idunno...i will go over to my mums later to go out to eat though, she shouldn't have to be alone, and i certainly don't want to be alone, so it'll work out...i'm gonna go and call james and find out where he lives or follow him home...i hope i can figure out when alex is sober what the fucks going on...because this is just fucking bogus otherwise...
301003
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck...goddammat...aok, i got off of here and took a snooze, as i had predicted, yes, matt AND alex brought people home. matt was upset about the lube on the mirror and the balloons a little, only because it was seen by outside forces. while that happened, one guy, straight, stumbled into the bedroom with me and my sheet. he obviously doesn't know about something, and freaked out. the freak out, woke me up, groggy, alex came in, threw clothes at me, told me to get them on pronto, i obliged while cursing in german and stuff, which only provoked 'what the fuck is he saying about me' from the dumbass. i grabbed my sunglasses, my keys, my artbag, and left. i didn't even say where i was going, i left. i didn't say for one reason, and only one, matt called me an asshole. he did it while he was upset with someone else, and to the wrong person that didn't deserve it. that's wrong. one hour and over later, alex finds me at the mall falling asleep in the store room of hot topic, danny watching me. he asked why the hell i left, i had asked what the hell went on back there. it just escalated from there to where i was yelling over him. i leave out the backway to the mall and we go and he follows me to some preppy cafe down the road. we settle down and he explains to me how they couldn't tell henry stuff, because he was doing something for his friends band. fair, but stupid. as we were talking and sitting outside, i had my fingers entwined with him, just for some connection and level ground where i wouldn't look away or leave while he's trying to talk. i do that when i know i need to, and especially since something was fucked at the moment. this preppy, wanna be surfer dude macho man, dumps on us holding hands and alex fixing my hair from flying around and being a mess. i asked him nicely 'i would appreciate it if you would mind your manners', and only because he was being a lowlife after he kept talking. i went on talking with alex, working it out that i was wrong to leave in a hurry, and he was wrong to bring someone negative like that into the apartment, a threat. the fakie jumped in with some comments, and i asked him to please leave us alone. i continued with alex, explaining it was shock having a stranger in the room, and freaking out, and all this stuff. and the surfer guy hit my last nerve, the one i was struggling with over alex and henry and matt, and he said the most stupid, loudest, comment yet. i hauled off and knocked the shit out of him. we took turns knocking each other around until i got to knee him and slug him and slam his head into my table. i couldn't believe hsi fucking immaturity. i had blood dripping off of my brow and lip and nose i know. the manager wanted to call the cops, but a lot of people saw how the guy had treated us and most of them confirmed he assaulted me. i was a god damn wreck after that, holding my head and chain smoking on the curb. i was shaking so bad just from the adrenaline. he drove home and i told him i would meet him there, i forgot my bag at ht, and when i went to go get it, i apologised for being an ass, and he told me it was aok for me to be an ass since i'll probably never have one...little does he know...he gave me a cd by trapt, or trapped i guess. he told me the entire album suited me way too much for me not to own it. and he only knew i didn't own it because i had asked 'what"s that'...i really love the second track, so i listened to that on the way home, and i caught a song by simple plan, perfect...i started crying after that and had to pull over to the side of the road, since i just...lost it. the day had just been too much for 'little ole me'. when i got home i didn't want to go in, but i knew matt would be inside, and it's not like i could have gone anywhere to get away =\ so instead, i bypassed the living room and kitchen and went straight for the bedroom, peeling off clothes in the process. he never came in. in fact, he's pretty much asleep on the sofa...damn forgetting to finish...i sort of crawled to bed last night half asleep. it was weird, because i think i busted my ass, because my ass hurts...alot, which only leads me to believe, i busted my ass on the floor. just interesting..i should probably be taking my sleeping pills again.it's just they're bigger than all the other pills...and if i take them i'll be konked out till this afternoon. but that probably wouldn't be a bad idea. sleeping in the same bed as the two of them is weirded me out last night, so i moved to the sofa. it was just...yuhuh...two many hands...idunno why it weirds me out, i used to do this before, or at least they were kind enough to answer for me because i was afraid to sleep alone. -head hits desk-...i can't believe i held up and attempted to beat sense into that guy...i couldn't take it though...blame it on my underlying violent tendencies...i wish right now i had some muffins...and some fake cheese...
281003
ehm...yesterday after i finished typing this out, i got alex into the swing of things to go shopping. and just like i thought, that really did distract him. not so much so he'd forget it, but he felt alot better, i'm sure. he dragged me around to jcpennys, to sears, to dilliards, uhm...he actually took me in some womens stores too...and i hate to say it, but other than having a bit wider shoulders, i can fit in the clothes. what really fit me were the pants, and that was reaaallly freaky. but yeah...we ended up going into old navy for awhile, and that's when i wanted to shoot myself the most. he had to pick me up kicking and take me in. and afterwards i just clutched a portion of his shirt trailing behind him. he bought another air of pants, sort of like the others but not so worn in looking, like some ranchers. the shirt he picked out is a mid sleeve with black sleeves and some funky print on it. it's worn in and that's all that really matters to me. i can't stand new clothes in general due to the 'newness' they've got, because i have to break them in and unstiff them. but these clothes lately are comfy as hell. i stopped by hot topic and rubbed the doorway as a 'thank god' movement. i was perusing the bars and plugs, because i lost my plug, and jen and kellen told me to just high jack one on them, because they get them for nothing it seems >.>...sooo...i have a black plug again in case i plan on getting a job that won't let me where my bar. i finally got my 'vegan' wristband in the mail today, pretty happy about that. i just wish it could have been black or something, green's just too...out there for me. blue would have been nice. mmm...rain...beautiful...it's been raining for a good while now that i think on it...anyway, before i jump into that...we left the mall and went to the more downtownish area where they have trinket stores and stuff and moseyed around there. while we were down there, i almost got a tattoo >.> i won't name names as to whos idea it was. nor the idea to get another piercing =| that was just insane. the guy who would ahve done it looked mental, no fuckin' joke...funny, real funny...i saw some really cool mosiacs also, which makes me want to do it a little, maybe to my mums bathroom even. i think it would look nice in some funky blues and greens, maybe some yellows/whites and definitely black. all i would need is a hammer to break the tiles, tiles, some sandpaper, and grout, or water they use, cement maybe. it would give me an alternative to do, because i don't feel up to painting right now. it's one of those dry artistic moments for me...since we were closer to alexes house, we rode over to matts apartment, then to his work, but he wasn't at either one, so we left and went by his house and visited his mum. she was really glad to see him, telling him about how excited she was about helping her bestfriend meredith with her wedding plans and stuff. and i guess she saw that he wasn't smiling ear to ear anymore and asked him what was wrong. and he just said 'i wish i could do that'...they got in a little hassle about his pops and what he had said, and his mum wouldn't hear it. we left without him hugging her or kissing her on the cheek, and that's a first for sure...he was telling me in the car he didn't understand why his mum and pops was so against him for not doing anything but sticking up for me, and he asked if that was so wrong for him to do. he already knew the answer, he just wanted support. i gave it to him and replied that i knew how he felt if it made him feel better...he soon said i must have gone through more than he could understand if i had been like that with my parents all the time...i got him to park somewhere down the street and to go for a walk with me...i had managed to forget to bring a jacket, so he let me where his blue one with the white stripes down the sleeves...it started to rain after awhile and all, so we turned back after walking so far, and he kept leaning in by my ear to saying things, like how i had pretty eyes...and he kept saying similiar things until i leaned in towards his ear and told him he had a beautiful heart. he smiled at that and just held my hand as we walked. when we got in the car i was trying to dry my hair without taking it out, but he ended up taking it out of its ponytail for me and parted it and let it fall around my face. and i asked him why he always parted my hair at the nape, and he told me it looked nice that way. so i left it. when we got home, to my house at least, there was a note saying they went out with friends for dinner at sonnys, which sort of irked me a tad, because she said she'd fix dinner tonight. i as tempted to crash on the floor, but alex nudged me toward the back patio, which i probably haven't mentioned, but it's enclosed with a roof and screen on two sides, the other two are walls from rooms in the house. we have a couple soft chairs and a lounging cushion chair out there, which i have fallen asleep on many a time. but i sat out in one of the chairs, and he came out with my red light blanket and got me to curl up with him on the lounge chair. it had gotten really dark, so it was really nice. at least where i live there aren't tons of lights, or yellow street lamps, which i'm thankful for. so seeing the stars even a little is pleasant. he sung me this song that i didn't recognise...but it was really tragic and had touching lyrics...and then he sung me true love waits...and my eyes started to water after that...i really enjoy hearing him sing. he's one of the few people i know who can actually do it and not sound like a jackass...i fell asleep listening to his heartbeat, murmering things that i hope he didn't hear...because he might worry, and just everything might go down hill, and he wouldn't be able to understand what i'm doing...i woke up in my bed somehow in my pj bottoms and one of his shirts, and with kittie curled against my chest...i woke up around 9 i think, and my parents were obviously at work, but i looked around for alex and found a note on the kitchen counter saying he had went for an interview with someone...seems he went to several interviews when he came back home around lunch...

hell, i forgot to finish this. hmm...well, he got home around lunch and we played some hackie sack until his legs gave out >.> which was his excuse to quit without hurting my feelings. he hung around and left to go out with friends, and he invited me, but i thought he might have a better time without me, so i made an excuse for doing some commission and some sleep. i did draw a little, but it bored the hell out of me after so much of it. i really do think i've lost the juice for awhile...i did manage to get some sleep and it was really nice. i bundled up in some sweat pants and a sweater, some socks and had some green tea out on the back porch before i snoozed, and that helped me crash. it was really good to sleep that well. i had left my radio on while i snoozed and when i woke up this song by dashboard confessional was on, hands down...was sweet. plus i had a large warmth behind me that could have only been alex, and it was. i had snuggled against him for even more warmth and i woke him up because i was so warm and toasty. he mentioned that matt said we could still move in with him and all if we wanted, since he had told him about how my dad was drinking a little and his dad was being a complete jerk. so, hopefully we'll be moved out by this weekend, and maybe even do it tomorrow so we can go out for halloween or something. i'll definitely hand out candy for awhile, but after that we might all be getting together with some friends to hang out and all. if we go to starlite then they can drink and stuff and play pool, darts, whatnot. and i can drive us home. i only offer that because i'm not supposed to be drinking anymore. i don't see what a binge here and there is though. alex only wants to move because it's like being at his house, he can't really sleep in the same room as me and get by with it. which is so silly to me, because my parents sleep in the same room, his parents do the same, i don't see why i, a grown man practically in a fairly stable relationship of what, two yrs or so, can't sleep in the same bed as them. celibacy wasn't on my job application =| besides...where's the fun in that. all fine and dandy of course, but god damn...it's like me trying to start eating again. it's a bitch to do =| hmm...yes...matt found an apartment that's got another room and is a little more than what he pays now, but smaller all together, so that's looking good. i'd say screw it and we all share a bed, but with the way i'm going lately, that might not be wise. idunno, maybe we will. it would save money for sure. i did fall asleep with alex all nice and cozy, and i woke up being shaken to answer the phone, and it was amy asking to come over. and i kept saying i didn't care. i neglected to realise what i had said and my current state of fashion, and she hung up...she came over and asked me in person about some things going on with danny, and she was upset for sure, but i couldn't really fix that. she told me she was going to go stay with a friend a little north for awhile and if i would watch her cat, so i said yeah...today's been odd though. i took some sleeping meds and konked out the better half of the day, and i woke up wanting to sleep more. but when i woke up there was a note that told me he was moving thigns from his house to matts right now throughout the day, and apparently he had taken a good bit of my things over there too. so that was nice. and it was all small things it seemed, just my clothes and art things, my art bag, that sort of stuff. come to think of it, i don't own a whole lot of material possessions. i've got my clothes, my art things, cards that meant alot to me i kept, some jewelry, some shoes, my puter, whereever that's at...wow...i'm sure i have some more, i just can't think of it right now...he took me back out this afternoon when he came home to get some clothes. apparently i've created a monster =\ it doesn't really matter to me i guess...it's just super weird to be wearing clothes that fit me. i always have to smack him though when he tries to get me into something with a high crotch like girl pants. that just doesn't work for me =| it would be impossible in fact for that to work. i finally stole his keys to drive home, because my legs were definitely giving out. i had walked way too much for my poor legs, and i had definitely exerted enough energy to make einstein pissed...he ended up sitting on me when we got back home, and he massaged my back for me. i had offered him one but he declined. he said the last thing he wanted at the moment was me to do that...and the last time i gave him one i had been pissed and grounded my boney fingers into his shoulders...but he did that, and my dad came home tipsy from happy hour, or an extended happy hour, and thought alex was pounding into me i guess, which he wasn't, he was just doing his thing and rocking because i had a knot near the base of my neck.he stood up and asked my dad what he wanted, and when my dad said something stupid along the lines of derogatories, alex slammed the door and locked it. he told me to get whatever else i was bringing over to the apartment and to come on. my dad continued to beat on the door as we pried the boards off my windows, or window actually, and climbed out. we actually then didn't go to the apartment, but rather we went to his mums house, and unless he strategicly had this planned, his parents were gone. after some coffee, some smokes, and some tele later, he asked me if i wanted to give my dad something to bitch about tomorrow, so we went up and locked his room and went at it. i got him to at least let me leave the window open for two reasons, one so i could actually hear someone coming and two because the cold air outside would probably help. it took alot of bsing to get him to let me, because he said i'd be loud enough to let someone know =| i know how to be quiet when i need to be. even though he cracked the window a wee bit, it got really cold in there and he had to close it. when his mum came home we were forced into the same predicament as a few nights ago, and then he couldn't go tell his mum he'd be right down, so he yelled that and took his shower. i couldn't get up to even do that, i was way too tired. and subject to not getting up and walking around last night, i ended up walking funny this morning trying to make myself some green tea. i found out from him when they were done talking that she had to go and rush over to his aunt elaines because she had a heart attack and was in the hospital, so she had been there a great deal of the night. i don't think he cared as much as he put out in their conversation, he was just trying to sympathise i think. while they had been talking though, i managed to take a shower, but i ended up falling asleep once i got warm enough, so he had to come pull me back out, which i was stubborn to leave. i got irked and told him fine when he bit back at me...so i went downstairs and put my arms over the stove, and he told me i was a dumbass and he set up the fireplace. he couldn't get to sleep when he had finished. he was upset with his dad and my dad way too much and he went on and on about it, and i can understand, but i didn't think it had mattered that much.

again, i forget to finish. hmm...well, he went on about our dads, explaining how equally they were assholes. and whenever i gt a chance i should talk with my mum, because if he's drinking and bent on kicking my ass for being a 'fag', then i'm going to kick some ass or leave =| i might not survive it, but i'll be damned if i don't put up a good fight in the process...this morning we got the rest of the stuff over to matt's, and i had went early to pay, with my own money thank you, for the net, and he already had the phone hooked up, so that was good. -rubs puter-...yes...i took it upon myself to clean up the apartment from its trashed state and to add some pizzaz[haha!] and funkified everything somehow. he already had weird things anyway, i just put them where they belonged! hahahahahaha...oi...i was cleaning out his room to put stuff in, rather my clothes and alexes, and i just happen to find this really nice -gag-, video!...mymy, my little boy's all grown up. poor guy...i'm not letting this one go. i'm just going to haphazardly have it on when he comes home, with a window open so i can flee if need be...or flee to the bathroom. i can't wait to see the look on his face. the last time something like this happened he chased me down and left the biggest damn bruise on my arm trying to wrestle me to the ground. ehmm...but yeah...i situated the 'living' room around so i could prop up my painting things in a corner. that really wasn't too hard, i just found it a bitch to move the sofa around, as was the rest of his crap. i cleaned out the bathroom too and found LOTS more interesting things in there. i left him some balloons >.> and drew a smiley face on the mirror! awww...he'll love me for that one. the easiest thing to clean was the kitchen, because that just lacked everything. i drove by the grocers and bought a bunch of food for their sorry asses, in which i expect my money back for all the crap i got them. it should last them awhile i hope. unless they decide to pig out on my expense. besides..i got a nice boy to take the groceries out for me >.> little young though =\ fucking deceiving appearances. i think that's the only reason i like going to the grocers, other than for some fruit and to see if they have any new things i can eat in the 'organic' section...hmm...speaking of checking out random people in public places...i miss ann. i'd email her and say 'yeah, tell me all about what happened when you get back'...but idunno...it sort of sucks her relative died, but she's probably going to be aok, and is happy she doesn't have to work anyway. she's a goose like that...i think i'm going to go lay down for a nap since no one's here. and i'll pray they bring no one home and decide to stumble in on the bedroom. he REALLY needs to get a lock for that thing asap...
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meh...i forgot to finish again. ehm...-rubs arms-...i had been talking about my dad asking me questions. i'm pretty sure he was drunk, because he wouldn't have asked me if he was sober, because he's the one that walked in on me and alex having sex one day, and all he did then was go 'whoa' really weirdly, paused, and then left when alex didn't stop >.>...-turns music up-...mmm ville, sexy man. idunno, i remember catching my parents in the act a few weeks ago. and this is weird, but it didn't freak me out as much as it probably should...it was more like 'eh, aok, out of here'. yeah...tonight was pretty nice. i had to pick something up from the mall, a package for one my my little underage friends >.> -cough cough-...yeah, i'll leave it at that and say it was naughty and they're deprived obviously. i mean, i can only comprehend so much to myself when it comes to that crap. and that reminds me of when i was talking a little with joshua about erotic writings from the older days, since it came up with some quote. i'm not going to be some little pussy and say i've never read one of those books, but they weren't like some romance novel for women, and those are fucking weird. if anything it was educational or had educational things in it i didn't know. anyway, underage friend will remain nameless. but i ran into danny by accident leaving and he handed me a burnt cd of him and i swear to god...nevermind, that's too perverse to say, but i was happy. and when i was stopping by starlite to grab a smoothie i ran into kelly and a band of her friends, half had to be dumbasses from highschool. yeah, i drove around for over an hour with them in my car just listening to the cd 'because him is cool!'...=| i should have killed that one. him and cool do not mix in one sentence. hmm...yeah, around 8 maybe, it was dark though...i didn't even listen to them and i pretty much ignored kelly when she was talking to me. i didn't mean to entirely because i was listening to the music and just feeling it, so yeah, sorry love. idunno, driving around leaning on my hand and just driving aimlessly was inviting...but i would have rather liked to do it alone. matt and alex know already, if i'm driving and have music on, not to fuck with me. i'm in that 'mood', where i'm caught on thinking and being 'upset', whatever...kelly paid me for gas money and i dropped her scrawny ass off, barely escaping being tackled. i did however, drive home and decided to pick up alex and drove around aimlessly with him, and it sort of went out of bounds from there. i drove out there and it was pleasant. i came to a fast halt at a gas station/food thing and used the restroom. and i walked out toward the edge of the lights of the place to look out at the pitch blackness and i could still hear the music in my head...seeing all of that frightened me. it was bigger than i would ever be, it would live longer than me, and i loved it like i loved the edge of a blade. it's one of those moments where you're built up on the surge of emotion and seeing something like that makes you feel so small and pointless and you just...you feel as if your eyes will go blind from the light you can't see...alex came up from behind and asked me what i saw, and when i didn't answer, he told me he wouldn't doubt i saw myself out there. 'i feel as if all i've sacrificed was in vain', 'why? because all you have is me?'...and that was a sharp pain to hear from him...i wish i could be given the same feeling i get when i listen to some music, where it seems like something so much bigger than me has taken my entire being and thrown it into this warm fluid, like a cushiony bed. like a dream...he asked me if living was that difficult and if i was that childish, to assume something's worth when i was only allowed so much, and that much being him...i could have withered away and died right then...i walked away fixing my shirt, and climbed in the backseat, throwing the keys out of my pocket onto the seat in the front. he crawled in the back with me and tried laying down with me, and ended up laying on me because he couldn't fit on the space leftover...i think i was laying closer to him than i ever have before, like we were trying to fit our bodies together without any space whatsoever, like we wouldn't have to ever part...he didn't say anything to me, and i couldn't say anything without feeling as if i was being torn apart...all he did tell me was, or ask me...'do we have to leave'...i told him people always have to go...and i didn't catch that he meant do we need to leave for home, until i caught him in silence. so, he drove us back home, and i tried to fathom the nothing in front of me...i would have liked to, nm...we got home around 10ish when my mum was cleaning up the rest of her and my dads plates. she pulled him aside to talk, and i knew she wouldn't be letting him go for awhile, so i went to take a shower...and i ended up crouching/sitting in the corner in a ball, wrapping my arms around my bare knees, my head tucked into the small space my limbs made...i wish i could have found some great answers to life while sitting there, but i didn't...all i felt was the immense heat and water...and i couldn't will myself to get up...and i know i spent at least a half hour in there until alex came and slid the shower door open...and when he had gotten me to sit up blood was dripping from my mouth, because my stomach had started to hurt...so to keep from screaming i had bit my lip...and when it stopped, i had felt bad about biting my lip, so i did it more...he got on his knees and sat close holding my head and kissed my lips and licked and sucked the blood from them even. i think that had to be one of the stupider things he's done now that i think about it...he's definitely going to need to go get tested in a couple months after that and some other stuff he's pulled. like the coffee trip from the other night...it didn't really matter to me at the time...i was just too in love with him, to lost in his eyes and trusting him to care...i was lost with him, and it was ok...he hugged me forever while the water soaked his clothes, while he sat there above me...he held the back up my head and told me he loved me and to not let go...to never give up...on me...on him...i don't know why he told me anything, why he stayed there or the like...i guess i realise though, how much i need someone to be there, literally, with me and holding me and explaining things...i don't think i wanted to give into that before, because that made me even more vulnerable...i wigged out even more though and i didn't understand i was being lifted up and having my clothes put on me a little so he could get me out in the hall. i remember my teeth chattering alot, and him trying to warm me up. when i looked at my own hand it was so distant to me...it was so pale and blueish and cold...i never really looked at my hand in a long time...my fingers are so long to me, that or just really thin...when i got a blanket around me tight, we were like we were in the car, really really close, limbs completely locked in...my dad came in to say goodnight and said something...and i heard alexes deep voice right against and away from my ear 'he"s cold', and my dad must have been drinking because he turned on the lights and i recoiled under alex. he said something and i heard alex say i was cold, but louder. he left and i heard my mums name being called and she came in the room and whispered for us to leave and go somewhere, so he picked me up for the most part and we took his car and drove away. first we stopped to get a couple of snacks and a couple of drinks and then we drove out toward where it's really dark and we parked somewhere away from this station/fix car thing...we locked the doors and he climbed over the console and layed down on the back seat, limbs a mess. i put my jacket underneath his head and layed on top of him. even though it was fairly cold outside of the car, i took the shirt i had thrown on, off and undid my pants so i wouldn't feel so trapped. he pulled the blanket tight over me and him and after awhile said he was too hot, so i took his shirt off of him and undid his pants too. he talked about my dad quite a bit, and said how much of an asshole both are dads were. he thinks my dad would have kicked my ass if i had stayed, and i can't help wondering if he would have. i woke up this morning to a trashed room and my clothes missing, and a missing alex. so i got up and found him in the living room on the sofa, konked out but clothed. i woke him up and he was sore, and i asked what happened to my room, and he explained that he almost killed my dad last night, but that my dad no longer drinks after having slammed him into the floor and held him there. my dad though, said alot of bad things it seems, like calling im a rapist? and saying how he turned his little boy into a fag? how revolting it was to see him near me like that...my dad apparently tried to throw him off but it didn't seem to work. my dad actually thought alex was trying to sex him up. but alex grounded him into the carpet because my dad was heading to kick my ass since he couldn't kick alexes. my mum had came in right about then and called the cops to come get him and set him down for a talk, since she and pops were friends with someone. at least alex only got hit once in the ribs, i'm thankful for that. i go on here after that and my dad came home and told me to put some clothes on...when i got off the net with joshua, i took a shower with alex to help his ribs...and that sort of side tracked because of me >.>...i remember my mum saying 'be quick, i need a shower' and then i'm pretty sure i forgot about it. the only bad thing to have happened or almost happen, is that my mum almost came in, and two...i almost probably broke the shower head by holding onto it. the only reason my mum didn't come in on us is because i uh stuff. i lost my grip on the shower head...really, really, bad idea that was worth it...half because THAT'S what kept my mum out. i know my mum must have left with dad for work, because it was definitely past time for them to be gone...he wanted to get out just in case they hadn't left, and with what strength i had, i held him down and got him to sit on the tiles, he tried pulling out too, but i told him to please stay...and it wasn't about sex or anything of the sort...i just felt really alone. i obviously wasn't but i mean...in my chest i lost contact with the world, and alex was the only real thing i could grab onto and say 'ah...i am here...this is real, it won"t leave'...i wondered what it would be like to be ripped from life like the ghosts from the movie final fantasy...to be there one moment, and see yourself die and fall...like a dream...a few tears left my eyes and mixed with the water, and the only notice he had of it was the shudder i sent offfrom realising how horrid that all would be if alex saw it happen...or if it was even him...i've never craved more than then to be full of anything, even if it was despair...and all i had was him, literally...and he rubbed the back of my neck and back and asked if he had done something wrong or i was hurt...i asked if the damned get to keep their souls, and he told me he didn't know what was out there, only that it was a flip of the coin...i let go of hugging him and held my head in my hand against his chest...i feel like a freak at a freakshow in a circus...when the children point and scream...i felt that way because...alex had taken his hands and traced my ribs...and then he whispered to me very tender words that made me feel a need to run away. he got us up and him out and washed each other. just like the other time that my vision and balance wigged out...i started to fall. when my head knocked the wall he yelled my name and i thought i would go deaf...i blacked out i think, but i couldn't have, because i woke up and my cheek hurt some, and alexes face was right over mine, with his hair falling around his face and water dripping from it...and his eyes were so wide...he moved his mouth but i didn't hear the words...i was grabbing where my intestines would be and i know i was trying to say they hurt, and i think he got it because he started kneaded it and massaging it. and that's why i blanked, it hurt that bad that all i saw was white and black even. it eased up but wouldn't go away. he fumbled through the cabinet looking for a pain reliever and considering i used to eat those, i ate more asprin than one usually needs and washed it down with water. he helped me up and slipped me into my pj bottoms and we worked ourselves to my kitchen, because he thought it would be good if i ate something then. all i heard was things banging together as i sprawled across the table with my arms. i ended up eating a huge bowl of pasta, with sauce and fake cheese and enough spices to kill a horse, and some water and i'm pretty sure i ate an entire thing of fake meat too. i ate tons i know that much. he checked my breathing and eyes to see, then rubbed my ears and asked if i could hear fine, then came the part i dreaded, he pushed on my stomach and sternum and diaphragm. this time my stomach hurt when he pushed in. and at least 30 minutes had gone by for the drugs to kick in. he got on the phone as i went to lay on the sofa, and he must have been talking to his dad, because he was talking doc talk, saying this and that. and i heard 'what do you mean is my stomach hurting that bad? i"m talking about michael!...dad, he"s getting really sick. something HAS to be wrong with his stomach...yes he"s been eating! everyday!...he doesn"t sleep around dad!...dad, please let me bring him by so you can look at him, please...FINE you want to play big man and let him get sick?! really?! WELL FINE DAD! guess what? no really, guess...no, i"m not that STUPID, but i did do something very wonderful...why are you angry at me?! so you hate him because he"s a slut and because he's gay? WTF, do you hate me to dad, do you?...well that"s good, because you can start now...oh the thing i did? how about i use two simple words and you can guess, hmm? NO CONDOMS, how do you like that, me getting sick is inevitable...yeah, bunches!......[quieter] fuck you'...and that's pretty close...and he came and sat down by me and ran a hand over my cheek and smiled, and i hugged him, he needed it. i can't guess what his pops said...but i don't think he'll ever speak to him again...he made a brave face though...he rung the hospital and told them what was going on with me and asked for an appointment with my doctor and they were giving him a hassle and said i needed the appointment soon...my mum came home for lunch and saw us on the sofa holding each other and asked what had happened. and alex tried explaining how i had fell in the shower and my stomach hurt and how he tried calling his dad then the docs and he doesn't think i'll be aok...and that's when his mask broke and my mum held onto him and rocked him. she's supposed to make me an appointment for this weekend since i apparently didn't get something right the last visit...i think i'll get alex to wake up from his nap and have him drive with me over to the savannah mall instead today and see if we can occupy ourselves. i don't think anyone of his friends is playing a gig today, so, sort of limited for now...maybe i can get him into buying me some more clothes he likes and that should really occupy him...
261003
nice day, but long. i managed to squeeze in more 'quality' time with alex before my parents came home...i think after all of everything, it was just nice to lay down on cool sheets and just be there. when my mum did come home, she had opened the door to my room, which was pitch black and alex was asleep, and i was just laying there looking, then she left. what i thought would be a problem is when my dad came home and did just the same, because he stood against my doorframe longer and i was wigging out. he had gotten my mum and asked her where my clothes were, where alexes shirt was. i curled tightly around him just in case and i said mum and she said hi sweetie. i sat up to drink some water and my dad asked where my shirt was, and i told him i had taken it off with alex. and my dad told me to come talk with him in the living room. he asked me alot of questions, mainly, do i respect him, have i been sleeping with him while at home and no one else was, if i was doing aok, why did i have to do what all i did...and when i answered everything he asked me if i wouldn't sleep around in the house, and i told him, honestly, that i didn't think i could do that....i'll finish this later, too tired...
251003
vroom...last night was strange. me and alex went up to a coffeehouse, starlite cafe to be precise, and we met up with a bunch of his friends to sit around and drink and talk and whatnot. i've met half of them before, but i stayed quiet nonetheless thinking most of the time. i heard them talk about everything from the latest movies, to books by philosophes, to joking around and telling stories about what they've been up to, and this and that. random b/s. the place is set up something like our starbucks, there's an outside with stools to sit on, then on the inside there's one large area that's got the bar and then lots of hard chairs and tables, and then where we were sitting was where there were the big sofas and chairs. the whole lot of them sat together, one of them was behind me standing somewhere, and i was just confused and ignored most of them unless i was smiling or commenting on, like when i said this one guy...buddha what was his name...he's from the late renaissance, i forget. but he was a dumbass anyway. i sort of faded out of talking and looking at them, and found a nice place to gaze at. on this one wall there were alot of 'paintings' and various things. but eventually i became accustomed to glancing out the window on the far side of the room. alex had made himself comfy next to me since we got there, and i sort of forgot he was even on the sofa because he hadn't moved a whole lot. this one girl, karen?, had been talking about her b/f and how he did this and that, what he looked like, since he wasn't there. and he was a painter it seemed, because she mentioned alot of names of 'techniques' i knew. alex piped in and mentioned i painted and drew pictures too, and i was a bit jumpy then. they talked about that and i was relieved from having to explain why i drew fucked up things to begin with...and that backfired and she asked to see some of my drawings, so i showed them to her. she really liked this one i did in coal of alex when he was sleeping, because it was heavily detailed and had boxes of up closes of his face. she also liked this one of somethings innies splattering everywhere, and my dead kittie. that made her frown though...alex leaned really close to me when she got caught up talking with someone else...he seemed to be looking behind me at first, but his head was inclined and his breath hit my ears when he spoke. he asked why i looked so sad, and i asked him what he meant and he told me me i was being coy. i spilled that i was just a little blue, and i was. i was tired and anxious and i wanted nothing else than to be at home asleep in a warm bed. i asked if my looking like shit was a clue that i was embarrassing him and his mouth was a little closer and he whispered that he could never be embarrassed when sitting next to one of the most handsome and sweet guys in the room. i smiled, i really did. flattery always catches me offguard too, mostly because i don't know how to handle it. which is really strange considering how much i've received it in three-ish yrs. than again, i was either too busy doing something with the other person or too depressed to care anymore. so, that would make sense. he kissed my jaw right under my ear and told me i looked beautiful when i was sad, and when i looked up from my drawing pad that i had been paging through, karen was smiling at us, but i don't think he saw that because he had swung his head around when peter called him. when he came back from getting up he put his hand on the back of my head parting my hair again. he turned his head and asked me if i knew what i meant by what he had said, and i said no, so he briefly described what he meant, and i was a little surprised. he thinks it's nice when people smile and are happy and all those good things, but when he looks at me and sees me sad, he sees more clearly how things appear in me. because my mouth isn't open agape laughing all the time, he can see the structure of my face, because my eyes are always downcast and such, he can see how distant they look or when i've wigged out thinking on something, like when i wigged out wondering about satire in comedies that dave had mentioned. i had thought satire very sinister for those days when they used it heavily. it was like a silent fuck you to me. alex described a little more about how small i seemed, how me crying and the like reminded him of when i slept because he told me before that he watched me sleep sometimes, and when he did, i didn't look so young anymore and i was perfectly calm...karen overheard him talking, and she caught some details i'd rather he not hear...she irks me. her whole walk and the way she talks irks me because it's so fake. it really irked me when alex went to go get me more coffee and she put her palm rather low on his back =| i think she did it purposely because i think out of everyone, she was one of the three that didn't guess or seem to know alex wasn't straight =| dumb ass blonde. did she not see him kiss my cheek, or the raindbow patch on my bag, or hell, when i he had left his hand on my thigh? because those were some big ass clues to me =| and she laughed at a joke he made that she didn't even get until i explained it to her. dumbass...i was starting to wonder about this peter guy, and i tugged on pats sleeve, who i had to get up to talk to even, and he was telling me that peter had broken up with her awhile back because she kept bitching about him spending time with his son, since he wasn't married to the mum. and it seems that, if i heard right, peter got back with the mother of his son after figuring out his priorities. thank buddha someone has some fucking intelligence =| i told pat she kept hitting on people over there and he asked if she had hit on alex or james yet, and i said yeah, and he laughed and asked if she knew either of them were gay, and i got a little loud and said fuck no. he laughed at me, the bastard. so we set up to show her that and pat went over to james and was talking with him, and i reclined against the counter waiting for some stirrers, and i saw james nod and they sat behind alex, straight in her view and they frenched each other and i sprayed my coffee trying not to laugh my ass off. she had slanted to look at the both of them and quickly looked away. they got up after finding some air and walked over to me and i pointed at both of them threatening to stab them both if they did that to me. pat was blushing hardcore and james was being a little whore, i swear. james asked pat if he should tell k he was gay now and more coffee just sprayed everywhere. except, it was pats coffee >.> poor guy, teasing him's fun as hell. i pulled alex up by the shirt and got him to come over to all of us and he was saying pulling a stunt in front of her was mean, even though he was smiling about the whole thing. james wanted to pull another stunt with alex this time and he said no, so they worked out putting hands in each others pockets and all, and they walked over to the wall i had been glancing at and pointed to a few things and james layed his head on his shoulder, and alex did the same. it was just weird looking. they looked at each other, and i thought they were going to kiss each other until alex smiled and james did a shocked face and looked down at him, then back up at alex like 'yum'. i had to restrain pat from laughing out loud. it was a riot for us i know. karen and some other girl from our party got up and went to the ladies room. i just shook my head when they walked back and i had been leaning on my elbows at the time, hips way out from me and he grabbed the hoops to my pants he had bought after telling james 'one sec' and he kissed me like they had been kissing. and i think i stumbled a little and had glassy eyes when he pulled away. pat tapped him and pointed and karen was looking our way and talking with that girl, and alex turned right back around and pulled on the hoops of my pants and the hem. the girls sat back down where we were, and after maybe five minutes, left. they all high fived each other and i apologised to them and said i needed to go for a little walk, which i deperately needed to go do after being teased to death =| i went to the restroom and sat in one of the stalls for awhile. i was sort of tired from the entire day. we had gone on errands for my mum and dad and for his mum and then we got our mums to sit down and talk and we all had lunch together. his mum said how sweet i was, my mum said we made a cute pair. the three of them talked a little more than i did, because i was busy stuffing my mouth with food. his mum asked about my sickness when they brought up me going to the hospital, something alex neglected to tell his mum, and alex and my mum explained to her what it all was and stuff since his pops hadn't told her much other than i was sick and it was all my fault for being a slut =| i deny that only because sluts and whores get paid =| hearing them talk about it made me sick and i had to get up a couple times because i thought i was going to toss my cookies. when i started saying random things like my stomach hurts or my ribs hurt, alex had me lean back in my chair while he pushed on my ribs, my sternum, my diaphragm, and the lower part under my belly button. the only part that hurt a little when he pushed on it was my diaphragm. he rubbed it and my back and said i was proably just full. his mum asked him why he had prodded me and he explained how his dad used to do it when his tummie hurt. after lunch we drove over to listen to his friend's band practice, and that was nice. odd, but nice. then we got coffee with all the people, at least twelve. that was strange too. but james eventually came in and pushed the stall open and asked if i was aok, joking about relief, and i got up and splashed water on my face, warm water at that because i was cold.he asked what the chances of an orgy with all of us would be, and i told him he'd have to ask alex, not me. he did ask me if he called the shots or what, i explained to him it was a mutual thing until it came to sleeping with people. i went quiet, and when i spoke up i had to say it twice, but i told him i was ill anyway. then i had to tell him specifically, and he went oh. i said sorry, and he said it was aok, that he could probably work around it...and that surprised me. he walked out with me and helped me sit down and then he sat next to alex, who was sitting with a handful of people laughing, and he cupped his hand and spoke to him and alex looked at me, so i just looked away and drank my coffee, which was now cold, so i got some more and when i did he came up to me and asked if i was serious. i told him i was confident between us enough to trust him if that's something he wanted, but i mentioned that if by mischance i got james sick i'd probably never forgive myself. i said i was tired and that i was going to go wait in the car for him and all. -puts on smashing pumpkins-...so alex came out to the car awhile later and leaned on the door. he asked me what i wanted to do, and i asked him how clearly he wanted me to entail that right now or if he really wanted me to. he opened my door and sat on my seat a wee bit with a hand on my seat and the other on the middle console. he repeated the question and added 'what"s wrong'. i repeated back i didn't want to hurt anyone and that i felt empty, despite coffee filling every pore of my stomach. he spread his palm on my pelvic bone and asked why i felt so bad still. 'do we have to talk about this right now? it's been such a pleasant night. why make me the bad guy and let me fuck it up?'...and he leaned in, so i leaned away. he put his head down and asked what he had screwed up this time. and i didn't answer, because a simple nothing was silly, and because he didn't do anything anyway. he leaned back in and nuzzled my neck. he whispered that it would just be me and him then, and that he would be right back after he paid his tab. so we drove home, but when we got there my parents were still up and about watching the tele, so he called matts house, and asked if he would be gone later, he said no, so he did a last resort and called his own house, no one picked up, so we went there. after checking the entire house and finding no one, we fell on his bed. he made comments about my clothes as he pulled them off, like when he pulled off my shirt he said me wearing a shirt that fit me didn't help him when he was talking with people, since he could find my arms and chest without so much cotton in the way. that neither did the pants help, because he could find all of my legs, my ass, and crotch without similiar cotton extra in the way. he asked me though why i had worn a belt, so i stated that in order to keep my pants on i needed one, and he said that just doesn't help in taking the clothes off. he threw my watch on the floor and told me i didn't need on anymore. i asked why he bought clothes that fit me, that why didn't he remember what i looked like. then i told him it was easy for me when looking at people, huge imagination...we really made a mess this time though. there was vaseline smeared all over the bed and sheets, 'cum' all over the bed and sheets and floor and random objects he touched or picked up. he even got the stuff in my hair and all. i don't undersantd why james was complaining about not being able to get hard quick enough again. he must be a real impatient person that or a quickie...idunno, i couldn't go on afteri thought i heard a car pull up, so when i told him to hurry because i thought someone was coming in the house. i ended up moaning really, really loud after telling him that. something hit the window and he stopped and looked at the window, and something pinged the window again, he got up and edged toward the window, and found pat and jennifer right out the window, her giggling it seems and pat blushing hardcore. i was pissed at being cut off. i walked over to the window holding a pillow in front of me and leaned against the wall. pat said i had forgot my bag at the shop and they were just bringing it by and didn't mean to interrupt something. i yelled down, while wiping my hand on the pillow, that if i came down there i was going to fuck someone's brains out for it. i know my eyes were glassy, and i really didn't care, and the fact i was sweaty and without a shirt only made me want to act on my threat. alex told them to go ahead and come in the house and have a seat in the living room, that we'd be right down. he closed the window and blinds and i told him if he left the room without finishing what he started there was a slim chance of me not being groggy for awhile. i got on the bed and leaned on my elbows with my legs up, daring him to leave the room. and i meant what i said, i would have been groggy for a long time if he hadn't decided to finish up. if i wasn't loud enough the first time, i'm really sure our company downstairs was blushing hardcore and trying to be pleasant downstairs. he pulled out slowly after recovering andi was gone, there were angels singing and everything in my head. he kissed my collar and said 'sexy'. he ran a thumb over the tip of my head and asked me how it felt to have 'cum' weeping out of my ass and i told him he was one to ask. after about 15 minutes of him not coming back, i slipped into the only pair of pants i had at the time and walked downstairs to look for my smokes. they were all in the living room, chit chatting and smiling until i waved and jennifer just sort of stared at me, and probaby stared at me as i walked to the kitchen to get some coffee. and upon finding a whole pot of it, there is a god. i walked back into the living room and they were talking again, and i leaned against the fireplace smoking. they were talking about how these guys got in a fight at starlite after we left and the bouncer from the club across the street had to come over and kick both their asses. a great silence swept through the room and jen mentioned my pants not being buttoned or zipped up all the way. i told her i knew that and she smiled. she said something about me shaving and it was my turn to smile as i crushed my ciggie and felt my pelvic bone where there probably should have been hair. pat was cherry after that, that or he was gradually building up to it. i apologised to them both about being a mess, but that they did sort of appear at the wrong time. they said they didn't think anything of it and that it was interesting to see. i walked them to the door as alex put the coffee mugs in the kitchen. pat went to shake my hand and i pulled away telling him he probably didn't want to do that right now. he smiled and they both left. i got into it with alex again upstairs, which at one point was in his room and somehow migrated to the shower...hmm......i never mentioned why i went to the hospital exactly now that i'm reading my previous writings...well...i had been pretty sick and it was my fault i guess, but than i had things provoking it, like joshua. i had stopped eating, or i was throwing my food up. i wouldn't leave my bed, i wouldn't put on clothes, i wouldn't leave the house even. and on the inside i was really sick besides losing mass. i was mentally mutilating myself aside from the slamming my drawing hand into walls. one night, i was really really cold, and my stomach was just, it was the embodiment of hell twirling. alex had been laying with me in bed, taking care of me, keeping my hair out of my mouth and face, and even though i was cold, he said my skin was burning up. my skin, was a faint colour of pink.i felt like i was going to throw up, and i went to the restroom with a sheets wrapped around me, and when i closed the door, i let the sheet fall around my waist, and i was ready to hurl...and then i bent over screaming in silence, shutting my eyes tightly. i clutched my stomach and put my forehead to the floor. i let a raspy cough out and it came again in a wave. i tried throwing up, but that failed. the saliva from my mouth hit the floor, and my eyes widened when i felt like i was being stabbed and opened up from my stomach. and then it came again several times and i tried screaming, and it came out in silence again. i began to cry, thinking i was fucked, royally fucked. i barely had breath to say alexes name. and then it came again and i moaned out it pain and seethed and hissed...he knocked on the door and asked if i was aok and he must have heard the horrid sounds and cued in 'hey something"s wrong'. he scooped me up in his arms and ran for the front door and had to run back in for the keys to the car. i'm glad the hospital isn't forever away from me. when we got to the emergency area some doc took me somewhere. they made me stay the rest of the day because i was knocked up on some medication, and because someone neglected to inform of my hiv, i puked stomach acid continuously for what seemed forever. why can't they make meds mix well =| WHY. when the doc came in she asked alex if i had an eating disorder, and i told him to let me answer. i explained only what i thought she needed to know, i mean, i used to be anorexic, i do have hiv, i'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and i'm chronic in at least one of them and all. i explained to her my week since i thought it would help, she asked when was the last time i took any of my meds continuously. and i couldn't remember. she told me that i have to take all of my meds, everyday until stated otherwise, without any breaks in between, that if i don't, they're not going to get in my system and work. after that they sent me home and i got to going back to eating my pills regularly...this took forever to write, so i think i'll go be a bunny or something before my parents are home...
meh -burp-...i forgot to finish this damn thing the other day. hmm, where was i exactly...i mentioned us going out to eat. i mentioned being barbie. idunno. i ended up going out with shane from the mall. i met him up at the movies at the last showing of the night of kill bill. that movie rocked. uma thurman...buddha i'd probably screw her. i hate saying that, but fuck, she was gore ridden, violent, and gorgeous. the entire movie AMAZED me. it was that good! i love the way it was set up too, from the music to the chapter thing. it was pretty funny too in some cases. but man...i left the flicks happy as the happiest camper can be. fwa...-looks around-...hmm...yeah, i went out and hung out with shawn. that was really interesting...i probably shouldn't have done it, even though i was considering it a friend meet up thing...and alex probably didn't like me going out anywhere with him considering i found out alex saw him staring at me before i even walked over. and if he wasn't staring, he must love a wall full of womens undies. we even sat on the top row and sprawled on in the seats. he bought us some sodas, which i thought was nice of him. and he did something most people don't do to me in a theatre, he actually was sitting close to me, whispering in my ear comments as the movie played. i was a bit annoyed because, hell, THE MOVIE WAS ROCKING MY SOCKS. but yeah...stuff. and he kept his arm/hand close by mine or near my leg. i don't know if that was accident or not. idunno...we went out to denny's when the movie was over, which was around 1130ish and got some grub. when the person taking our orders was asking us what we wanted to eat, i had to wave my hand to get him to talk to them. he was slouched in his seat the entire time, and again, kept his leg by mine from under the table. i went outside to smoke and i offered him one, and he sort of wrinkled his nose, so i apologised. i asked how school was, what classes he had, found out he went to my old school, and some other random things. he got the balls to finally speak up on his own without me having to push a conversation, and he asked me if i would kick his ass if he told me something, so i said no. then he said cool and told me meekly he really liked me, that he thought i was cool and funny. he was sort of doing that gig that children do, having their hands behind their back, looking at the ground or anywhere other than at the other person. i told him something similiar and yanked his chain about hardcore-ism. he repeated the, no i really like you, so i eyeballed him, tossed my smoke and returned the reply and that i happened to have someone that i cared a great deal about. he said he was sorry and apologised. i told him no, that i was sorry, smiling a little. he brightened up though. i told him i was sorry if he felt like i was wasting his time, and he jumped in and said it was all good times. it was a nice night out that's for sure. when i dropped him off at home, which took me awhile to find, he asked me if he could do something real quick, so i said sure. he brushed the side of my face and ran his hand through some of my hair. i asked what that all was for and he told me 'to remember'. i was nice...ehm...stuff...i remember when i got home alex was a little upset and asked me what i had gone out and done, so i told him, and he was really jealous somehow. he asked if i had a nice lay and i was intent on smacking the shit out of him until he apologised. i gave a blunt point that there's a difference between me going out and having a little fun and brushing people, and coming back home to him and sleeping with him and being in his life. i left the living room and went and made some soft pretzels in the kitchen and changed clothes while those got done. my mum said hi when i passed her room and asked if alex could be quiet. i got him quiet and we sprawled on the sofa, me munching. he parted my hair again and put it over my shoulders, moving strands behind my ears, and just running his hand repeatedly through it all and against my neck. i ended up laying down in his lap watching some sports. it was comforting...

231003
bitches - mindless self indulgence

bitches love me cause they know that i can rock
bitches love me cause they know that i can rhyme
bitches love me cause they know that i can fuck
bitches love me cause they know that im on time
throughout the projects [3x]
bitches love me cause they know that i can rock
bitches love me cause they know that i can rhyme
bitches love me cause they know that i can fuck
bitches love me cause they know that im on time
throughout the projects [3x]
done [2x]
this is how it should be done [2x]
this style, style, style, done
pow! mutha fucka...pow!
bitches love me [6x]
love me love me love me love me
bitches love me [5x]
cause they know that i can rock
done [2x]
this is how it should be done [2x]
this style, style, style, done

mwuahaha...driving around with kelly and listening to that is mad shit right there. i think she was even a little freaked out when i was singing to it. she laughed, so i guess it's all good. i love when he goes 'pow! mutHA-fucKA'. sweet baby jesus. my morning was awesome again. i have enough energy to willingly kick someone's ass. i feel like god almost, just not so cherub-like. i can't believe she came over this morning though, and that's the only thing that could have woken me up. she just casually walked in and shook the hell out of me, and made alex jump...hahahahahaha...poor guy. i guess the whole him not being dressed was weird to him in front of someone, who always tried to grab my sheet =| damn her. at least for once she sat down and gave me time to take a shower and put the clothes all the way on. and i think i'll add the clothes were quite damn comfy, considering they fit me for once. yes, michael bought new clothes, oh yes. too bad someone went with me so i had to =| -cough alex cough- fucker. i do feel like barbie though, i barely got to say aok to any of it. i ran in hot topic at one point to flee for safety from the gap and i saw this latex/vyn corset and i just drooled thinking of kelly in the corset, and i was holding it and someone was talking to me, and then i heard a big yell of 'YOU WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A CONDOM' and i turned a little with this apprehensive look...the one i give when all my fun's ruined. people must be psychic, or just know me too well. i think amy would agree with me with the vyn stuff, at least in saying i can pull off either situation >.> hmm...but yeah, sigh...barbie for a day...he scared kelly, he really did. he dragged me into american eagle or something like that and i grabbed onto her and she started screaming. i told her if i was going to hell she was going with me. in such a process we both pretty much lost most of our clothing trying to stay out of there. and the clerk lady kept staring at ME =| AND STARING. i didn't realise i was alexes height until i looked at a mirror and pointed...it's scary. but the clothes...god help me. i now own some really funky black shoes, something like boots i suppose, nonleather i made sure, low cut which was funky, but reminded me of my chucks a little. and the pants, he had to PUT ME IN THOSE DAMN THINGS. i had crawled in kelly's shrit when i even glimpsed them, and then they BOTH held me down =| ASSMONKIES. sigh...faded jeans i could have created, that fit me nonetheless, scary...and you can find my legs! DAMMAT you can find ALL OF MY LEGS =| not only do i realise i'm tall, i look TALL =| FUCKERS XO -rubs face-...and just in case that wasn't enough, no, i had to have a fucking shirt to match. MATCH, dammat. sigh...it actually looks like one of mine, except is has some funky number on the back that probably means something i don't know. blue and some muddy colour for the trim...god...if i've never said it i'll say it now. if i didn't look like a fucking fruit ever in my life, there is no mistaking it in the clothes they got me >:| and he was going to cut my hair O.O 'lets chop it off short like an indie or hardcore go lucky guy', 'WHAT O.O'...and of everything he meant with bangs and a shaggy edgy thing...my hair...i was going to kill him in the store...i tried to when he made me walk out of the store without my blue jacket, without my dickies, without my flagging people off shirt. no, i had to walk out in the faded jeans and shoes, and the white shirt. and he braided my hair =| HE WILL PAY. I LOOKED SO FUCKING WOMANISH. god...i briskly walked straight to hottopic, at the other end of the mall. i was embarrassed and i even turned red when jen saw me. from pale to fucking cherry. she laughed, and laughed and laughed...i gave her a titty twister and she kicked me in my exposed ass =| together we found a belt to put on me, one of the double pyramid ones, and i was able to grab my watch, my lovely thickbanded watch, out of the bag kelly was supposed to keep away from me. i looked in the mirror and i dreaded walking out of the store. i looked like some damn model off of some indie punk band...and when i said that a little loud, jen brightened like the fucking sun and said she was going to enter me in the next modeling thing that coems around...sigh...oh well...assholes...i called them every name in german i could pop out, and they laughed at that too because i talked so fast...and to top it off they were talking about putting guages in my ears =| WHORES...they went on and on about it all, laughing like i was a doll. the first guy that came in i attacked. he had on the same thing almost, maybe a little taller, and had that very haircut they mentioned doing to mine. i fondled that guy like i fondle my keys when i walk around =| noy was someone jealous when they saw me =| HA HA HA HA HA...assholes...i left that to gaze at everything in the store and to look at the music, and the guy kept looking at me and looking down at me o.0 it got creepy when he didn't snap out of it. i had walked over, alex flushed from something >.> and i grabbed the guys wrist, which was mid air for nothing and asked him alot of questions. he's really naive in some things o.0...i actually left the store with him and went to the food court where i met up with a couple more guys, dressed just the same, with a little bit of differences in the hair. the guy i had been sexing up in ht was shane and he stayed close by me instead of hurdling with his own kind on yonder. he asked why i kept my hair so long, mentioning that it was pretty o.0 and corrected it with handsome when i kept looking. he invited me to a show that was coming up, some hardcore thing? i said aok to that...i probably would have forgot alex existed if kelly hadn't eventually found me. i can only keep my thoughts on so much when it comes to my hormones, and unless i'm trying to do something really important or big, they usually win, 75 to 25. and the way he tugged on my shirt and kept looking at me didn't help. she smacked me in the stomach and dragged me away. i pulled the little napkin out of my back pocket and i found that i really liked the handwriting, very edgy and mystical. but when i got near ht, alex was wide eyed and he looked like he would blow his top, and at the thoiught of that, i couldn't help whispering in his ear something really similiar, and he turned cherry and gawked at me. kelly caught a little of what i said and told jen and then they gawked a bit too, jen winking at me and pointing out the back room and the secret halls. >.>...i ended up taking him into the halls and just...well, being me >.>...at least i found a clean spot on the concrete is all i can say, and i can't say he was quite, because it's his fault that there were footsteps. when we walked back into the mall and i walked back to kelly to grab my bag she was trying to tell me something, but wouldn't because someone was in front of me looking at clothes. she ended up stuffing a whole bunch of pocket breathe things in my mouth and i almost cried, and schreeched why when i could breathe again. those thigns are so horrid when there's so many of them. she just couldn't tell me what it was, no...that wouldn't be inconvenient =| all of us went and grabbed some grub at some burger joint and alex was just zonned out, so that gave me time to talk with kelly about things going on lately and she was really sweet, giving what advice she could. most of it was about how i should be eating now and we talked about the hospital and what got me there. dammat, i need to go...i'll finish this later i guess
18?1003 - my new journal i just realised i've been typing the wrong month for the past few days...which is silly of me...and i haven't been all here, so, i'll stick to that excuse. i'm also starting this as my new journal, because i'm going downhill and i feel as if other peoples thoughts, opinions, and care aren't worth being troubled with it...idunno...instead of being able to sleep again today...kelly came over and shook me from being asleep, and again, i had to fight with her over my cover because i was naked. and i didn't really have alex there to save me...she ended up yanking most of it from me...i thought it was really cruel of her, even though i know she was only kidding around with me. she said sorry repeatedly and handed it all back and i tied my sheet around my hips...i felt so dead...i barely registered her. and i think it's because...i ate alot of ibprufen[sp?]...and everything slowed down a little...i just layed back down and she talked to me while i stared at my wall. she pulled all of the hair out of my face and to the side and asked why i was so quiet. i told her i didn't feel like playing circus freak today and she didn't understand she said...and i said i didn't want to jump through hoops or pretend to be something different today...i choked on my words. i was so fucking angry at myself, fighting back the urge to burst out and give up, to let go...i didn't even see her, only the wall as i let things fall off my lips. i felt like i was drowning...i'm so tired...i haven't taken my meds in a long time, i can barely get up and take my important meds right now...i barely remember the last time i ate...i'm so hungry...she helped me to the restroom when i started dry heaving. i forgot all about my cover in the process...i couldn't feel my anything nice anymore, my throat went raw and in pain, my lungs were jumping...i felt like i was drowning...i wish my lungs would have jumped out, i wouldn't have to breathe anymore...she got me to my feet and put my cover around me and put me in bed. she grabbed some undies, some pants, some shirt and put my shirt on me...i got up and left with her to hang out. she drove my mums car even. we drove everywhere, listening to all the depressing music i had in there...i curled in the seat and stared out the window. we drove nowhere special...to both the malls, around town, to get some coffee...the last thing i remember is some man touching my face as i fell asleep. i woke up here alone wondering what happened. alex did come in at some point and he shook me awake and was peeved i had left all day...i couldn't tell him from anything else...i told him i was sorry and i was shook more. i went outside to the back patio and layed down and fell asleep. i remember alex waking me up and was upset...i was freezing, and i thought it was just me until her put me in really hot water and i yelped...i had started turning colours before...he had taken me out, dried me off, rushing to put my clothes on, even socks, and my beanie...i told him i was sorry and he kept talking and i couldn't make most of it out...i know he yelled what's wrong with you at me when he was dressing me...and i didn't get it until he grabbed my entire side and pointed his finger at my stomach. i said crazy girl did it...but i don't think he heard me. he was so upset, and when i went to touch his face he just held onto me.i could hear the sounds more distinctly then, a please, my name, don't, whys...i hadn't lifted my arms to hug him back until then, burying my face in his shirt...when i cried...i didn't shake, i didn't sob...they just rolled down my face. i knew then how far i had stumbled down my little path, because i used to cry like that on the really bad days, when i couldn't get up or do anything...when i knew how fucked over i was...when i was ready to go. i don't know if alex knew about those things, but when he caught on that i was doing that then, he wiped the tears away by hand and rocked me like my mum probably once did...i think i slowly came out of the place i had zoned into, and when he pulled away to just hold my face and speak, i heard him clearly say things. and i didn't want to hear them...they were horrid. him telling me he was on the edge of falling off with me. how i'm hurting him so much. that he knew i did the scars, because he had traced them in my sleep...he told me he didn't want to see me cry in my sleep anymore...i asked him why he was watching me sleep anyway, and i asked if that was some perve thing to get his jollies, and i said it to get him to back off of me...he stopped touching me and told me he watched me because it was the only time my face wasn't frowning, that i looked serene and content...instead of how i looked then. i said 'and you think i look like shit right? because i'm getting that alot lately', and i got up off the floor and got my keys and went to leave when i realised the key to the car wasn't on the key ring, and i stomped back inside and told him to give it to me. he said all i would do is go out and drink or try to hurt myself or something. i said i was going to go nap at a friends house, he said i could nap here. i was going to hit him, i knew i was...i sank down with my feet flat on the ground and just held my head...i was so angry and upset with everything. i started pulling on my hair and biting my lip and he pulled my hands away and held me down when i punched myself. i pushed him off and i got in two more, and he secured his weight over me and i cried, pleading for him to just kill me or anything, that i was so tired...so. fucking. tired...he scooped me up and took me to my room and layed on top of me with the covers up. he kissed my face and wiped the tears away with the new ones, massaged my temples and did those soothing noises my mum made when i was always sick...the moe he tried, the worse i got, and the worse i got, the more i wanted to die...he took my jacket off, my long sleeve shirt, my pants and undies...he started stroking me and i panicked and told him i didn't want to feel that, i didn't want to feel that way, and he told me it would make me feel better...eventually i understood what he meant, because i pushed most of my thoughts out of my head and i didn't register most of them even when i shuddered...i was only a tinge sad and tired...i felt ashamed somewhat, but that died off. i don't understand how i began to feel so bad in the past few days...i slipped so far...he pushed my comforter away to the floor and pulled the sheets up and just held me, kissing my face and asking me why i couldn't see how much he needed me...that people loved me and wanted me around, however selfish that seemed...when i told him how cold i was he got me some pants and another blanket. he pulled me in really close and held onto me...when i woke up this morning i was in a cocoon, my entire body was wrapped in the blanket, and when i sat up i saw a note that said he went to get breakfast. i took a scalding hot shower to get clean and to get warm. i thought alot about the last few days and what i did, and i was a littel upset, but i looked past it. i put on a sweater and socks and slacks and made me some coffee to wash down the pills...i'm waiting for him to come back, so i'll go wait in the kitchen...
171003
i let alex get on to email dani, and that seems to have gone well...i just came home from dying kellys friends hair...which is now all purple except the tips that i did in black. i think it came out really good taking in that she wears her hair up in a funky style, so it'll look very casual if anything...kelly didn't want to do it because she didn't want to fuck it up and make it not last long. it should last a few months though the way i did it...i spent most of my day in bed again, sleeping...not sleeping...maybe neither because it all seemed the same thing. i remember alex coming in and feeling my forehead, and my mum coming in to feel my cheeks and to ask if i was aok...i ended up wedgin a shirt under my door to shield out the rest of the light...all the other light was gone because i had boarded up my window again...i'm wigging out already... ...i was woken up around 8, naked in bed for one, two, unannounced...i had to deal with kelly trying to lift up the cover and where to go. i drove over to hot topic and got some special effects and gloves and went over and dyed her friends hair...in which i didn't get paid......i deleted msn......dani looks like a goose...i'm going back to bed...fuck being awake...fuck everything...
170903 morningrise
i barely caught seeing it, and i felt as lost as it was...because there were no colours this morning, no smears of blue and pruple, or soft reds and oranges...it was gray...almost as if it didn't want to come this time, didn't want to try anymore. i feel like that right now. i don't feel like trying anymore. 'take your medication, you'll feel better'...no, i won't, because it's not running through me already. i don't have patience to wait for man's silly medicine and cure alls to help me. i'm quite sure i can find happiness without covering up every lurking despair in me. besides...don't we have memories for a reason...to remember, to try harder...i'll have to try harder...it's so cold, even with all these clothes i found to throw on and my beanie. my hands feel like they're made of ice...i weighed myself today to see if drinking all this alcohol put mass on me and stuff, and i found that it had dropped...maybe i wasn't meant to get better. but i got off my ass and fixed a large serving of oatmeal awhile ago, and that was good i guess. can't say i didn't try to help myself......i've been pondering over the last couple of days why i used to abuse myself, and i have it down pat why and how and all those questions, and i asked myself why i stopped...it was stupid to ask myself at all, but everyone keeps asking me 'why' or 'what are'...jane, aleksandra, kelly, ian...i wanted to stab them for their pity almost. i guess if i was them i'd act just as stupid, but i'm not them...i'm me. i dislike being me. really bad...the bruises on my knuckles have died out almost, and just hurt a little now. i know if i threw my body at the wall enough i could break some bones...nothing seems as real as it was before, in fact, it all seems like i've been deceived in the worst way altogether. maybe it wasn't real at all, maybe i even dreamed half of it all, which is nonsense...but i did everything for no true reason that i wanted...i did it all because i didn't want to hurt anyone anymore...i wish i hadn't have missed...i wish i would have died...-wipes face-...i'm thinking so much nonsense, everyone would kick my ass for it all. i don't want people do give up on the idea i can do better, but then i don't want to think i care like that...i visited danny and mark at the mall, mark works in fye, danny hot topic, and we all got togetehr after their shifts for a bite in the foodcourt. they were talking about work and all its happenings in the past few hours, about amy coming to visit them to tell i was back, and they asked about the party, and i told them i was almost demaned by some little girl. they thought that was wonderful and laughed. mark went on about something else and asking danny something...danny had stopped talking and told me i looked like shit, and i told him i loved him too 'asshole'...he told me he thought i really looked like shit, but not like real squishy shit. i left the table, saying my goodbyes, shaken and annoyed...i ended up smoking outside after tossing my sodapop. i slipped my sunglasses on regardless of it being nighttime, and drove around some before coming back to my house. and even when i got there, i just put my hands and head on the steering wheel...i was really confused besides the fact, i used to be able to seem so aloof in everything i did. that's probably something i'll start working on. i used to be able to hide what i wanted and where a beautiful mask and choose how i felt...they saw me though last night...it scares me letting people have the control over me. i've lost so much control...what if they find me, what if they take my feelings and blackmail me, and they will hurt me, not everyone is nice...what if they really hurt me, and see through the things i say to cover myself from harm...they'd hurt me just for being me, or for not liking something, or if i say something wrong. i'm scared...the last tiem someone knew something they hurt me alot. they hurt me everyday, and i couldn't stop it. i probably couldn't stop it now, so maybe becoming aloof and hiding everything again, it won't happen and i'll be aok...omfg...i forgot...i forgot. i saw red when i went to the party. i should have told nick when i saw him, but i tried so hard to stay away from his sight. i even fled to the kitchen among so many people to get away, and when i bumped into him i was scared shitless he'd know me, but he just said 'hey buddy, can you toss me a cool one'...he's the reason i slept in janes bed and stayed at her apartment longer than i should have...when i was in the car lastnight, alex had come out and touched my neck, and i freaked otu a little, and he told me he heard me drive up. he must have been awake waiting for me or something...when i went to bed with him again i felt like crying my heart out. so many things were inside my head that i couldn't think...i shook from being cold and in fear for over an hr...and he was ready to take me to the hospital, telling me i shouldn't be doing either of the two. when he tried to wrapped me up in him and the cover, i just lost it...someone touching me was way to much then...he said id i started yelling my dad would probably come in and kill him, which slowed me down...i fell asleep and woke up later on in the night, and after i got online for a minute to see if dani was on, i got off and i went to the bathroom...and i used the bathroom and washed my hands like always, but, i was holding a razor in my hand, just looking at it...and then i cut into my stomach where the crazy girl had knicked me. and i cut from around my rib to my hip, making minor ones around my bellybutton...and i was going to continue, if someone hadn't knocked on the bathrrom door, needing to use it. i panicked and through it away, and wiped my stomach off and dabbed cleaning fluid on the cuts, and regretting it immensely when it burned. i put a shirt on that was hanging on the towel rack and stepped out fake yawning. i went to my room and alex was curled up with a pillow in his arms. i went back to bed after that...
160903 - back from trip
aok amy, how my trip was...i left too late on tuesday, due to the fact i was chit chatting with ann, so instead of getting early to the party and making sure i was where it was, i ended up a little late and stuff, but that's my fault. but it was a long drive, and i couldn't give a tinkers ass where i was when i got to jacksonville, i was so fucking tired by then. and i now realise how much i hate driving in such situations. it was nice, but so much time to think by myself didn't help matters nor did bringing along a collection of depressing music...when i arrived at robs, i couldnt find a place to park and i decided to drive back towards a convenience store awhile back and park there. so, i had a long walk before i would see anyone, and time to think more. i was wondering why i had even come down to visit, it's not like half of them gave a fuck, it was just an excuse to get trashed and trash. which is all fine and dandy. when i walked up his drive way it was trashed, but i walked on and into the house, and it was louder and crazy inside, poorly lit even. i'm still trying to fathom how they got everyone in the house, because i barely saw gaps of floor. i walked towards the stairs and i heard 'where have you been you cunt', and someone jumped on my back, i found out soon it was tom. and i heard rob yelling for me with some girl. they turned off the music and everyone went apeshit fairly, then he told them to go to hell, that i was the reason everyone was here, so i waved a frantic wave and turned the music back on. i punched rob in the knee cao and headed for the kitchen, where there was bound to be alcohol. and indeed, there was! i grabbed ahold of nick when i passed him while switching rooms at one point and i told him if i eat pills give me mouth to mouth, and he taunted the hell out of me with just that statement. i hardly made it around a couple of people without him trying to take my shirt from me. it took me forever to find summer, who was crashing in the hallway with her knees drawn up and a spilt bottle of skyblue. when i roused her she was almost crying, and just grabbed and hugged me, just sobbing. i rubbed her back and sides and and asked what was wrong, and she told me she just wanted to die. she was a mess...but she was fucking adorable curled up in her black pants, chucks, and black sweater. i slung her bag over my head and helped her up, and she wobbled a tad. i made our way up the stairs and down the hall to robs parents room, then i realised the window that made an easy jump to the roof was in robs room, so i went that way. but when i got her on the roof she zoned out staring at the ground. she couldn't have been scared...just sad. i got us situated on the climax of the roof where we wouldnt fall off, and pulled a smirnoff out of my bag. i pulled her in my lap while i drank and asked if she was aok. she shook her head no a bit, and i swung my bag around so i could reach her stuffie i bought her, and i gave that to her. she rolled it in her hands and felt the felt nose with her thumb. i barely caught her thank you and hugged her. after about four of those, i had to get off the roof before i got stupid, getting back in was a little hard for me too. i threw my bag on the floor with her and got her to curl up with me. she kept crying and telling me how everything was, she really did break my heart. and she shook like the wings on a firefly...someone stumbled in awhile later and i was going to kick their ass, but she had passed out, no need to wake her up. i went down and got charles to watch her while i went and got my car, and when i came back i drove her home and even got her in her house without a problem. when i got back it sounded insane, and i think limp bizkit was playing. i ran into several girls that i ended up dancing with and a few guys i talked to, who i even got to playing hackie sack with. which was fucked, since we were drinking. i quit after almost busting my tail on the concrete, and made my way inside to use the restroom. and i went all the way upstairs to find out there was a line, so i made my way outside and to the back of robs yard where people werent so dense so i could take a piss, and i got out there, and i heard swishy steps behind me, and i turned around and it was a petite girl holding a shiny object, and she told me i was a dick and all this random bullshit for not going out with her the other year. and she asked me some very stupid questions which gave me a headache, and she started chasing me, and me drinking, her probably not so much, i eventually toppled somewhere in the grass after roaming the house, and she was yelling at me, going on about me being the biggest asshole to ruin her...she finally caught up with me, in the grass, piled on my and tugging at my pants, and she was getting ready to fucking castrate me until these guys heard me yelling and yanked her ass off. randy and sarah ran up to help me, randy turning and walking the other way after going woah. my white button up was ripped and shredded from my ribs down, and i had some knicks and cuts from that, and she broke the button on my pants and fucked the zipper =| around that time alot of people had piled outside to see what happened and sarah was getting stuff out of my hair and aleksandra was pretty much being my little bodyguard up to robs room. which i made a heavy detour for the kitchen to grab something, and haha, i found vodka =| i hunted rob down and he was boogeying with his g/f and i told him it was the last time i was going to be the man of honour at his house. someone followed behind me and explained while aleksandra tended to my wounds and gave me eyecandy for my little gig i went through. i had to wear a belt with his dickies and some silly ass blue shirt i found. i gave up and laid on his bed after slamming the door. i can recollect us playing truth or dare...which was heavily fucked up, i remember limboing, i remember jumping somewhere out of a tree onto someone while playing hide and seek with two other girls. the silly string fight, and so much more..but getting almost castrated was insane =| -pulls keys out of pocket-...ass hurts...i left for janes and met her instead at some gas station to drive to her house. which sort of turned out to be an apartment, but that's aok. we had a nice small talk since i wigged out already once. it was mostly about her breaking up were her b/f and about some drawing. i took a shower though to get all my adventureness off of me from the crazy bitch of the night, and i ended up taking one with jane...which i thought was wrong, but she told me if she goes to bed smelling as is shes kicking my ass. and she got violent when i was trying to pull the im a guy and you're not thing. so i gave up. we laid in her bed and watched the tele, mostly some infomercials, some odd talk show, some toons...i got on the net midway and talked with ann, and she seemed annoyed by me, and i was getting pissed off thinking about joshua...i ended the convo saying jane forgot her purse at the party, which she really did, but i just didnt want to upset ann anymore. so we went back and it was still lively but not as much. rob was passed out on the floor curled with his g/f, i saw nick stumbling around the kitchen trying to clean up with three girls. there was a ton of undies on the front lawn that i saw as we left...which makes me wonder vividly what happened. i did happen to grab two 6packs of triple black and a bottle of red wine out of robs pantry. she drove us back and we made alot of racket trying to get to her apartment, since we were smacking each other for jokes. but we got in our skibbies and tshirts and crashed on her bed. she was biding her time with a few of the blacks and laughing at some adult anime. which was creepy. i had to get up to find a glass of some sort and a corkscrew. i have to admit, it was some damn good wine. she kept flipping between two very, very odd shows...one which i didn't want to look at, and another that was something like...aeon flux meets eek the cat. we drank everything and she curled up against me and even wrapped herself around me...we woke up around noon and i was sprawled on my stomach, and i opened my eyes and saw her watching me, another creepy thing, but somehow sweet. i guess i say creepy because she's relatively new to me as a person. and i don't really know her enough to go, aww......she played with my hair alot and smiled. i had a hangover...and the bed was very soft, so i decided i loved it and buried my head under a pillow. she laid on my back and hugged me and asked me what happened to me. and i asked what after she said my name a couple times. and she said all of the slashes. i buried my head a little more and told her i used to hurt myself. i rolled over and my shirt had come up to my armpits while i had slept, and i asked what time it was twice. she was too busy looking at the scars i guess, so i got to get up and she hugged me. i finally got up and used the restroom and took a shower, changing into my actual clothes i brought. i called summer and asked what time we were meeting up there and stuff, and right after that i went back to bed. i woke up at 4 with jane curled on top of me again, and i just stayed because she was dead asleep...i ended up calling summer and telling her i wouldn't be there until 6 and went back to bed. i don't know...just having someone there who hadn't caused me problems, who didn't care who i was or what i had done, just letting me cash in their bed, even though a certain bloodredhead tried to fix me up with her...it was nice being able to curl up with someone warm with that sort of carefreeness...i got up when she was about to leave for work and she crawled up in her burger king outfit and told me it was nice to see me, and that if i ever need a place to crash that it's free even if someone's there. i got my things together and drove downtown to meet summer, nick, kow, kris. it was an interesting night if anything. we rode most of the rides and played alot of games, and me and nick won stuffies for them even. i think my favourite part was when we saw the laser light show. i mean, previously before then the entire night has been insane and fun and amazing...but when i sat down and made summer sit in front of me, just draping myself over her shoulders...i couldn't help but love her and her sadness...i rubbed the sahved part of her head where it was fuzzy quite a bit...it was just really soft, and she was freezing anyway. and i can understand. i reached in my bag and let her wear my overlarge beanie. she looked adorable in it. i even took out my tattered shirt from the other night and let her wear it to cover her arms that i couldn't for her. i departed from them at the gates and gave them each a big hug and set on my way for home around 11. i got home around one and i got online for a bit, then i moseyed around the house doing nothing, and called alex to tell him i was home in one piece. he asked if it would be alright if he came over and all, so he did. i know i randomly popped online a couple times to see if someone was one, but i gave up and all. i ended up locking my door and curling up with alex in bed. he had been reluctant to be naked when my parents were home, but he got down in his skibbies with me at least. i just wanted the warmth because it was freezing in my room. he asked how my trip went and i told him it was fine, but that i decided it's not something i truely wanted to go do in the first place. he mentioned his dad had cooled off a littled compared to the last time, so that's good. i fell asleep and woke up this morning wondering why i had woken up...i thought, ehm water, ehm food, ehmmm...sleep...so i got alex to stay and sleep the rest of the day away with me in comfort and unconciousness. otherwise, today has been slow, and even now i'm really tired...so i think it's time to take a nap or something...
140903 - before trip
...i've packed some clothes in my artbag, along with some things to draw with if i suddenly find the urge that too many good people are always too many in my heart. i took a shower and i didnt feel that sore at the time, and it seems to be dying away. i found my button up white long sleeve shirt in the wash with my mums clothes and put that on, rolling up my sleeves again and making sure my ankh was on the inside. when i tied my hair in a pony tail i had alot of stray hairs falling out, sort of like how summer used to do hers. kind of bothered me cause they tickled. i couldnt find anymore jeans or any that had no cat hair on them, so i grabbed a pair of black slacks and put those on. i went ahead and washed a load and squirted kittie with my little water pistol. he kept hissing, fucker lay on my clothes. i wish i could smile...i wish i could show some form of emotion on my face other than the one haunting me as of late. danny even asked if i had died when i took a stroll in the mall, looking for a gift for summer. i found my way into this little shop of stuffed animals and trickets that looked like something you would give someone just because you love them. out of all these bears and the like, i chose a small soft brown bear, about the size of my hands together or maybe hers, but big enough to hold on to. and it has a nicely tied blood red ribbon around its neck. it almost made me smile. the lady, a young woman even, checked it for me and put it in a bag, asking who it was for and when i said for a young lady she blushed. it was cute in its own way. when i came back into hottopic on my way out, holding my little bag, jen whistled and ran over to pat me down and hug me. i just let her and held my arms to the side, trying not to be infested with her makeup. she kept asking who i was going out on a date with, that i smelled good, that i looked nice, and she fished in my back to see what was in it and squeeled. it was really odd standing next to her, because she's a good bit shorter than i am. danny came over after chasing some girls out and told me a was a whore, i told him i knew, he grinned liked a jackal and asked where i was off to. he thought it was silly for me to drive all the way down there by myself, and i told him i didnt have any willing bedmates anymore to drive me. jen glared at him when we were fake making out and said she was telling on him. amy kicks him everytime too...i stayed for a little while to look around, something i dont like to do in there, and was becoming very amused my all the hellraiser action figures. some people bumped into me and said sorry, and when i said it was aok, they had turned to wave it off or something and they went 'hey!'...and i found out it was a pair of people i used to know, joanna and richard. i titled my head at him and asked who the lovely lady was, and he turned red. im sure he wasnt embarassed...i just knew him on more personal levels back in high school. in fact, i'm pretty sure he was the one i almost got caught with in the janitors room. joanna though, she used to throw paper balls at the back of my head in english everyay with 'hi' on them...i wedged past the tiny space between them to leave and said my goodbyes, when i saw alex walk in looking like a pissed bull, so i stepped back and ducked behind them, grabbing both of them. richard made a very unfunny joke in front of his g/f =| i managed to signal jen when alex wasnt looking and she crawled around a row of womens undies to get to me. together we made a team effort to get me out and across the way to the little tunnels on the innards of the mall. she said she overheard that alex was looking for me and had been to my house. she asked what was wrong, and i fibbed a joke, saying he was pissed because he couldnt get laid, which made her laugh. because in every sense, jen will probably try to fix that. when we got to the other end i stopped to smoke and gave her one and we shot the breeze. when i left to go i gave her a halfass hug and a kiss on the cheek. she pretty much ran the otherway afterwards...i drove over and stopped at a starbucks to get some coffee, and when i got back he was there at my house, looking really impatient. i almost got violent with him when we wouldnt get out of my wy so i could get inside. he asked me all kinds of questions. like if i was happy after what i made him do, then i indicaed i didnt make him do shit, i just asked and received. he told me i should have told him to quit if he hurt me, and then i went off telling him that was the point, and then softer, that i did ask once. then he yelled at the top of his lungs what the fuck is wrong with you, and i told him i didnt even know. he followed me into my house, almost slamming the door. i was annoyed and had a headache. i was having a pleasant day until he came by. when i was fixing a pot of coffee, using most of what i bought at starbucks, i went to turn around and he grabbed the top of my pants and demanded answers to questions i couldnt answer. when he pushed my tail into the counter i tod him to go fuck himself to find his answers, so i could at least get some coffee made. he let go of me and i fibbed once again and said thats how i liked doing things now, at least every once in awhile, and he called my bluff, because i already told him of when the girls came by and i went in shock. so, failed cause there. he hugged me from behind and put his head in the groove of my neck asking what was wrong. i told him i was tired and upset and that i didnt feel like playing around. he untucked my shirt and asked again, and i blurted out half of what was wrong...i just didnt add in any names. i gave him the gist of the rest of it, and added some things i had been questioning in the last day about him, and he at least answered those. i seem to be judging everything that happens to me between us poorly these days...he was talking about how i shouldt let bad things stay with me, and i was nodding my head, half agreeing, and i fell back into him, and my heart was jumping a little, and the next thing i know i passed out and woke up sprawled on my sofa. i woke up around two...oddness...he was asleep in our chair, which is even a bit odd for him...when i got done taking out my laundry and packing some things, i crawled up in his lap, putting a leg on each arm of our chair and facing him. he didnt really wake up until i rocked my hips a little. he woke up smiling and said hey. hahaha, he yelled 'ahh' when i bit into the corner of his neck and sucked the blood from there. i think it evolved into a really bright hickey when i was done...but his eyes were a bit glazed o.0...he did ask me though if i was going to pull the same stunt twice, and i sighed and told him no, that it wasnt worth it now that i felt rather despondent, more than usual at least. i at least got the rest of everything into my room where there was a lock on the door. i probably shouldnt have started any of what i did after the stunt i pulled, or for the fact i probably shouldn't have done it at all for awhile. i feel like a bunny though a really hardcore bunny, a playboy bunny even. that reminds me of the shirt danny gave me today, the one with the playboy bunny on it. creepy...ehm...we almost got caught i think because someone was knokcking on the door, i mean banging on the door. and i think its because i was a little loud -shamefull hides in hands-...oiii...i just layed down in the shower when i got around to taking one. i was too tired to stand up...alex is still crashed in bed. i dont know how he can be tired, hes the healthy one....i just told him i'll be leaving in a few bt to get some sleep and slip out before my parents get home from late work. i guess ill finish talking with my future wife until i leave...
130903 - noon
at least im still alive, heh. alex left the house afterwards, when he got it out of me how much pain i was in and after i had spent 10 minutes vomiting stomach acid into my dearest friend the toilet. he barely even got dressed, he put some pants on, grabbed his keys, and was gone. i literally crawled right into the shower and twisted both knobs on full, and just held onto them, letting the waste from my mouth wash off, the tidbits from my hair, and all the blood and 'cum'. i felt as hollow as my goal was, i couldnt feel my insides anymore, just the steady creep up my spine. i dont remember doing any of it anymore...i just remember feeling the knot in my chest uncurl and fade, like a summer ray being covered by clouds...i washed up and got out, using the wall as a prop and praying my feet stayed connected to the ground...it took my a long time to gather some clean clothes, but...i found a pair of tattered jeans, some under things, and a black button up long sleeve shirt...i went ahead and shaved, almost tempted to rip a gash in my cheek, just out of curiousity. i brushed my teeth until my gums bled and gave up. it was funny looking at the blood on my finger from my gums...so bright. i put on my eyeliner and buttoned up my shirt, making sure to roll up my cuffs to my elbows...as i was brushing my hair the phone rang, and i went to get it, and saw ross on it, and ripped the phone chord out of the wall. at least i didnt destroy it. i slipped on my boots and fished for my mums spare keys in the sofa...i was surprised i had to go to the gas station to fill it up, they usually dont leave the tank so low, despite me driving it a little. i like my mums car, even though its a toyota and everyone in hell owns one. but its black and looks exceedingly new. i drove over to wendys where matt was working, so i could get him to take a break and talk with me. wheni walked in people kept staring at me and when i asked for matt, the black guy behind the counter said some girl was there to see him. and i know he knew i was male, you could look at the collar of my shirt for a bra and not see one. but when matt came out i gave him a long hug and sat on the curb to talk, sharing a smoke and coke. i asked how work was and he said good, mentioning how his fellow workers were being jerks to him today. he asked why i had come up there, since he knows i try at all costs to avoid fast food places. i told him what happened short and quick, and he told me...he asked me why, and then why i was upset, what happened, and i told him that too quickly while eating my ciggie for the most part, and he said that the person i was arguing with or meddling with wasnt good to talk to, and that...i didnt do anything wrong that he could tell. i asked him if he would talk to alex for me, and he nodded. but...he told me i didnt deserve to be hurting, no matter what happened to me, or what someone said, or any misunderstanding. someone came out and told him he was needed, and he rubbed my arm and told me to go get some sleep or something. so i came back home and kicked my boots off, and got on here for a minute. after i finish my green tea im going to go curl up in bed. i cant be bothered to change again, so screw it...the least i can say is, i fixed my problem today...
130903 - 0916
i have to stop pleasing joshua by waking up so damn early. my ody hurts, im frustrated, and fuck if im not going down another pack already...this song by 3doorsdown, here without you, very tender...lets see about this band nurture...aok, no help there, but from what ann wrote it sounded nice....-taps head hard-...im so upset right now i cant keep my hand straight on the board.talking with josh is like talking to me, and i dont like it. i cant believe i let him push me thsi far, i cant believe i got up and punched the wall...i just needed relief from how much i hated being me right then...i cant believe i have some hate for me...i wasnt even going to punch the wall hard, but when i got up, shaking and wuggly, my lip curling...i hit the wall to the garage... i kept hitting it and hitting it harder...and by the time i had hit it hard enough to bleed, i was crying. i feel so confused...i should have never showed him who i was, all he did was hurt my innies...and now my outties. i dont think i broke a finger like i had presumed, my hand is just going to be bruised for a few days and scraped. i cant get any of it out of my head...it just keeps repeating, and everytime i listen, i feel the after affects as if i was punched in the gut, slowly falling away with nothing more to protect me than the ground hitting my knees. he hurt me...i let someone know things, and it hurt. they took what i said, everything i ever told and all, and threw it away, because i seemed like a cold hearted bastard for not repaying words i shouldnt have to say. i dont have anyone to talk to...i mean, i can talk to ann some, but i feel so bad doing that, because i dont think she wants to hear it, not that she doesnt care...but what can she do? she still means something anyway if she cant wave a wand for me. joshuas a fucking dick...thinking i can say anything to anyone, confide my feelings and emotions. yeah, to walls, how about that. im falling the fuck apart and he cant see it. i dont want to fall apart...i may be getting strong, but i cant hold myself like this...-wipes face-...i feel as if i slit my own throat...he calls my a liar so frequent it hurts...and saying this and that that i dont get this, and he fucking turned my words aorund on me on this last note...trying to be rhetorical with me even...im scared...im so fucking scared...im going to go...and im either going to finish punching the wall and break my fingers...or im going to go wake up alex, and not give a shit this morning...and just get laid until it hurts so much i want to die, until i bleed and cry, until i cant feel the pain anymore...until all the physical pain takes away everything im feeling right now...i feel so stupid sitting here and trying to figure out my problems, of crying so hard...at least if i go do this with alex, i wont break my drawing hand...and maybe hell think its some form of bdsm i picked up from the girls...at least then he wont get it...i want to forget myself and hell fix it for me...hell take away the little bit of esteem i have saved up and take away that one piece of normal humanity i have left after all this fucking bullshit...of all the caring, all the love, all the friendliness, the good intentions, my ability to be a good person, the good person all my friends love and care for...the ones they love because im me.........im sick of being me...
130903 - way early fuck
i am so fucking tired...i just got done dropping off kelly and her b/f, after they spent the entire tiem at my house destroying my kitchen and fucking each others brains out. which, by all means, go for it, but buddha man...at least my hairs dry now from the shower. i found my old black cotton pj bottoms and im rather fond of them, very comfortable too. and at least its warm in the house, so i dont need a shirt, besides no ones home. well, alex is, but i need to get him in my room or at least the sofa before this morning rolls around. i should change my sheets now while im at it, since theyre destroyed......done...i spent some time talking with joshua, and consumed more smokes again. i have put them far out of reach now just in case. ill die of lung cancer if i dont quit it. he took alot of the things i said and had them backwards...that and being mroe meotional than me made me feel like shit. and i really do feel depressed right now, idunno...im going to go pull him out and get in bed now...this week has been horrid...i feel death in the pit of my stoach currently, like bile...i wish i could throw it up...
120903 - 2041
far behind - candlebox
now maybe i didnít mean to treat you bad
but i did it anyway
and now maybe
some would say your life was sad
but you lived it anyway
and now maybe
your friends they stand beside they watch you crumble
as you falter to the ground
and now maybe
your friends they stand beside as you were flying
oh you were flying oh so high
but then some day people look at you for what they call their own
they watch you suffer
yeah they hear you calling home
but then some day we could take our time
to brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
but you left me far behind
now maybe i didnít mean to treat you oh so bad
but i did it anyway
now maybe some would say youíre left with what you had
but you couldnít share the pain
no, no, no
couldnít share the pain they watch you suffer
now maybe i could have made my own mistakes
but i live with what iíve known
yes maybe we might share in something great
but wonít you look at where weíve grown
wonít you look at where weíve gone
but then someday comes tomorrow holds a sense of what i fear for you in my mind
as you trip the final line
and that cold day when you lost control
shame you left my life
so soon you should have told me
but you left me far behind
now maybe i didnít meant to treat you oh so bad
but i did it anyway
now maybe some would say youíre left with what you had
but you couldnít share the pain
no, no, no
now maybe i didnít mean to treat you oh so bad
but i did it anyway
no maybe some would say youíre left with what you had
but you couldnít share the pain
i said times have changed your friends
they come and watch you crumble to the ground
they watch you suffer
yeah they hold you down
hold you down
maybe brother maybe love i didnít mean to treat you bad
but you left me far behind
left me far behind
left me far behind
120903 - 1430
aok...ive finally gotten my passwords to work and to change properly. at least dani can remember the password if he needs something or to get ahold of me with any of my accounts
120903 - morning
fuckeatshitanddie...yesterday, i went to hottopic, and as said, me and danny taunted young girls and drank coffee and made a general menace. well tease really. after so much we started up a bet for then and there, whoch could charm out the most phone numbers. one girl thought he was a hooker or manwhore and asked how much and i spit my coffee all over some rubber plants. 'mymy danny, i knew you looked like a whore, but i never knew you were!'. i swear he bruised my ass bone after that.when it was nearing his time off amy came and slid up to me with kelly and jen. jen was about to go work and amy was picking up danny with kelly to go somewhere i think. they were pretty early now that i think about it. but until he got off it was classic. amy was sitting on a stool in the middle of the store with a deathglare. and somehow i ended up making a osbcene scene with kelly outside the store a little ways. yeah, random groping and the like does slow down people. hmm...well, now joshua william brown and ann know what i look like. ann took it the best as usual and somehow it seems to me like i got closer to her, but maybe shes putting up a facade, which i hope sincerely shes not. him on the otherhand, he was a prick, im sorry. he lunged things at me that i knew hed say, plus some things i hadnt even said. idunno...saying i didnt care or knew how he felt was harsh. ive have so much empathy it hurts, and i just want to tell people to go fuck themselves sometimes too...i dont care anymore, my real friends know who i am and love me for it, im not going to sit down and try to please someone with what they want...unless its sex, than by all means -grins-...that probably would make me feel better, getting excessively laid and taking a nice shower. ill probably do that when im done here, i doubt ill get any objections. speaking of which in a way, i called sihn and told him something came up and i wasnt going to be able to stay with him. in all reality im going to stay with jane so i dont have to worry about being a fuck toy while im in jax. and i also set it up where im going to go down tuesday ish for the party, then the fair the next day, then ill drive back up here. and i decided to drive since i found soem spare keys to my mums car. i doubt shell mind considering im an excellent driver. and ill come back thursday morning/wednesday night...hahaha...i cant seem to knock the image out of my head of this pair of couples, probably a bit younger than me and oh so naive from the mall. kelly had dug in my back pockets and up the back of my shirt, and as she had been doing that i had been leaning of a tad biting her neck/shoulder. and the couples had been sitting down in their nice gap things and bright colours, and i gave them what must have been a feral look or very lusty, and closed my eyes and i bit harder into her neck, and she made this fairly loud moan, and when i opened my eyes back up they were staring, so, hard! i think besides that, our darker clothing probably was attraciting attention as is. i think when i drew blood and licked her neck she went to putty. that or something aguely similiar >.>...she was dressed nice yesterday too. white fishnet over a slishaed tank, bunches of bracelets with spikes, her and her favourite purple nailpolish and eye makeup, and those black jeans and boots. very pretty. although i really had to quite rubbign the shaved part under her longer hair, she started purring o.o...difficult decision...go get laid...or go get kelly and visit danny and rick...if i do the first, im liable to be relaxed the rest of the day, and not be upset anymore...if i go do the latter, ill make another scene, maybe gets jumped on and tackled by turning on kelly again and then killed by alex for going overboard, EVEN THOUGH, i saw him kiss some girl on the mouth in public, who i didnt know...hmm...but then again, i could come back later and do the former, AFTER i scare the public...i like that one better. i need to stop by a hair shop in the mall anyway and get some black hair dye for my roots anyway. i think ill go take a shower first and call kelly before i do anything. she probably has her boyfriend over as is from last night...
110903 - morning
welp, i got off my lazy ass and found out when the fair was. it starts the sixteenth and whatnot and most days its 5pm to 11 ish, and theres a lightshow among other things. so, i think i will call sihn in a couple hours and set up arrangements for me to stay with him. ill also talk about the party with him im supposed to attend at robs. im going to see if i can bring sihn, at least itll make it interesting on my part, aside from doing insane things to amuse people. also, going down monday would probably be better, that way ill come back sooner instead of having to wait for the fair til the weekend. so ill get him to ride up and get me, ill get robs lazy ass to get the party ready for tuesday, so that if anyone has a hangover -major understatement- we can sleep it off before the fair on wednesday. spiffy. i cant wait to see him, its been way too long without hearing from him. sometimes i wonder what would happen if i left alex for sihn. alex acts grown up, but i dont think hes as mature as i thought he once was. sometimes i wish i had that maturity around. i mean, i act like a goose and so does he, and thats fine half the time. but the other half of the time its difficult. i guess in those times i expect something that isnt all there. even when he fussed over me before, when i was the way i was way back...he still seemed just like a peer, even a little. i wish i could fuse sihn and him together. sihn always does things with this air...his feet kiss the floor like mine do, and the only way i ever know hes there is when he would brush my hair out of the way of my face. he never cared when i hurt myself, he accepted it and even did it himself. i figured out when he was talking then, that it didnt matter what i did to the outside, i was still the same person on the inside. he also told me, that if i gave in to taking medications for what people thought was wrong with me, i wouldnt be me anymore, and i believed it. because right now, i know its true. he treated me like an equal...i cant get over that. the day i told him about how i was with alex then...he stopped giving me hugs that made my spine shiver, he stopped brushing my hair out of my face, he stopped paying attention to my words almost. and when i asked him why he was treating me like a stranger, he told me it was useless to chase whats already held down. the last time i can remember being physically close to him is when i broke down once and carved brother in my chest among so many other scars. he returned it. later on when time moved past, a few of my friends carved the same word in their own language...that means i cant forget them no matter what, and thats important...i just dont know if he could love me or not if it ever came down to that...talking and typing is strange. well, summers going to set up with rob to have the party on tuesday. i highly doubt anyone will miss it since everyone had no clue where i went. and im probably the only one willing to jump off the top of his house and into the pool. i probably shouldnt drink a whole lot if im going, itll only mix wrong with my meds anyway and make me sick. or i could just skip taking them for a couple of days. and summer sounded a bit happy when i called compared to when i talked to her last. shes also shaved most of her hair off and left the top to grow out to the side, so that should be interesting to see...i must have woken sihn up, sucks. but at least i know hes going to come and pick me up monday morning and let me stay at his apartment until i leave the city. i heard a female voice off and on and asked if me staing with him would be a problem, and he said no, that it was just cat. and cats his fling when he doesnt feel like prowing for someone at the clubs. i asked if i needed to pack so bedthings for the couch, and he said no, that i could use his. and i guess he was trying to keep key words that would make cats ears perk, which means probably few know about those things. thats aok though, i can respect that since he probably wants to keep that image up. i was about to tell him i was still seeing alex when he told me he had to go. and when i hung up, it left me wondering if id still be just someone spending the night...i dont care. he probably wouldnt, and i dont feel like being some fling. ive done enough of that to last me two lifetimes...im not even sure why i keep questioning who alex really is. what i feel for him seems to fade everytime im near him. i feel so confused and lost as to what to believe anymore...hes a great guy, but what he did only so many days ago...im not going to forget that. it stings...im not looking forward to seeing sihn so much right now...because i know where that would go, and all i would be. he may be wise and have some answers i dont, but its not worth it...yeah, thats it. because what good would it do to step backwards and to get into something that would only be about physical contact and end up hurting me. that cant be good. no...and matt, i wouldnt go with him either. thats too close to alex and not, its like sleeping with a family member for one, and for two...hes goofier than me and my friends combined. he needs to stick to chasing skirts...not that i have those straight, so to speak, ive come back to what i really thought all along. and that was janis...i almost did leave alex for janis when he came down. i consider him like family, but its more than that. ive always cared about him, for what...the last two yrs or so, just from talking with him and through emails. i opened up to him far more than joshua, and i made sure i made sense to him instead of jumping around like i did with joshua and alex and everyone else. i can talk seriously with him about anything and get mature and common sense responses, instead of 'oh no, you shouldnt'. and i can talk with him about wild ideas instead of 'i cant believe you said that!'...which i dont get from amy much since shes downright open and exotic to my face...and, i can talk about the little small things and just anything. trying to talk philosophy with alex is like talking to a wall. talking about books is difficult with anyone, but janis has already read half of what i talk about, everything from the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, to the book of tea. and i can talk to alex about some foreign films, but i cant get in depth reports like when me and janis were laughing about some movie, i think the title was davey goes nazi, idunno. it was weird. i think what will never sperate me and janis, just like me and my mum, is the fact hes my background. he knows the ridicule, the language, the history, the almost ancient forest and everything to do with the country. thats one place i wanted to take my mum, was to the forest in germany, or just for the snow. maybe ill see about staying with another friend while im in jax. i could probably stay with amys friend jane, since she mentioned it the other day. that way i wouldnt have to worry about sihn trying to grope me, and i wouldnt have to worry about jane since i think shes got a boyfriend. and if otherwise, ill be sure to set some rules or at least make sure im well guarded with string cheese to attack her with...amy told me she was scared of things that shot out at her...which made me laugh nonethless when amy made some vulgar motions with her hands. mmm...coffee...janis...im going to ask him what he thinks about all the things i feel about alex right now, without mentioning my affection for him himself. he always seems to have the proper answers, or at least the ones that seem correct to me. i mean, when i was cutting he told me me and him were both dumbasses for doing it, but because we hadnt learned to cope better, it worked. that made sense. and when he came down, he told me he had officially quit, because if i had the will power to live, he could at least get rid of something as silly as that. that made me feel good both ways, because he was helping himself, and stating an influence i had made...this is interesting= http://magazines.ivillage.com/goodhousekeeping/print/0,,420108,00.html ...now i understand why i keep weight on a lose it too! haha...maybe drinking all this damn water helped my downfall, sonofabitches haha...oh well. eat all my meals, eat a bit more salt, drink coffee and random alcohol, smoke, and excercise...no wonder o.0...hmm...alex has gone to bitch to his family more, so no fun there...matts at work being a slave to the wage...kellys probably with amy and unconcious from terrorising every kid in hottopic...dannys probably working, so...i think i shall go see what hes up to. at least itll get me off my ass for a shower, and when i get there, hell be making enough obscene gestures and movements towards me to get rid of the mallrats there. hed probably like both of those things. but i need to get some more eyeliner and some random things from a healthstore/vegan store there. maybe afterwards me and him and go get some coffee or at least hit on the mallrat females in hottopic. then i can tell on him to his gf for being a little whore XD hahaha...i cant believe she beat him with a bottle of shampoo...good times...well...yeah, done...
100903- evening
i got around to calling kelly to ask if she had a scanner, so i got her to scan a picture i drew for someone so i could show them, so that was nice. she was also done toying around in some program with the photos i lent here, one of which i loaded here too. sweetly, insane...-drools-. shes a god. maybe we can play this weekend if shes up for it. that or we can go tomorrow and tease people at the local coffeehouse. at least if i attach her chain from her collar to my pants she wont wander so far away. i lost her at equinox when she spotted 'a must see' person. who no doubt she stalked home to do something odd. or maybe we can just grab some coffee in the mall and wander around there looking for cds and her some more clothes to destroy with her talents -throws cd- i wish i had some black metal...or at least some headphones that dont bother the back of my ears. i watched just shoot me and friends with alex before he fell asleep. the episode of just shoot me was really weird...finch started working out with eliot because he couldnt pick up the big thing of office water, and when they were in the sauna? together, heat room thing, and he took his towel off and eliot gawked at him, because later on you find out he was 'lucky', so...the point of the episode was when he was on this ego trip about being bigger, and when this lady was gettign some water, finch said alot of comments about how he doesnt need strnegth, how all his energy goes below the belt, etc. and eliot and the boss laugh at him and say they win, and i forgot why...but it was cute. and the friends episode...idunno, i just liked when fibi attacked the smoke detector that wouldnt stop beeping and she kept screaming 'what do you want from me!!!', shes a nut...but yeah, alex fell asleep...my couch isnt huge like his parents, but i managed to make a pillow out of his lap and to curl up. i woke up to the smell of thai. and it was hardcore, so he must have just gotten it then. while we were eating, well, him eating and me trying to teach my cat tricks for veggies, the phone rang. and i picked it up and it was his dad. i handed it over and they got in a heated discussion. alex ended up hanging up the phone and smiling. i asked what he said, and alex said he didnt know since he hung up mid sentence. that wasnt the first time his dad had called either, but i remembered this one because about twenty minutes later my parents called to check in on me, really my mum, and i told her everything was fine and also i had patched things up with alex, so dad didnt have to kill him. but then my dad over heard and asked me if i was sleeping with both of those guys, matt and alex, and i explained to him that matt had spent the night because i was upset, and he did sleep in my bed, but like little kids do or like a kid and a stuffie. and that i was mono to alex. and i explained slowly in case he wanted to pipe in. but he got it even though he was annoyed. i told him alex was there and that nothing had gone on, the house was stil in one piece, and that i had thrown no parties, and he got my humour and it eased him, so its all good. i put the phone down and alex was flipping and landed on some sports, or baseball to be exact. and it wasnt soccer, or soccer, or anything with entertainment in it, because they kept hitting homeruns, so i just took my place right back to using him as a pillow. kittie tried to hog my place and bit my hair and pawed at my head trying to move it. goose.i ended up leaving the living room since he was preoccupied with the game, and i went to bed. i rolled in the covers to make me my very own eggroll and started nodding off. but then his parents called again, so i got up because his dad wanted to talk to me, and here i am, talking to him and typing. i deserve awards for not mixing up things in my head yet. he keeps telling me hell pay me to leave alex. that hell cut off my meds, whoop de fuckin do for the guy with a death wish. like i really care. i mean, id like to live for the hell of it, but damn. im wounded, haha. aok...im quite tired now and hes boring me with very conforming things that arent suiting my heteroclytic ways. oh, oh, i hit the end button, oh well...before i go...i want to mention something that i dont know if i should say or not yet. but since joshuas on this recover all things lost trip, ive wigged out from being ill. im wondering if i should tell him the last secret ive got right now, or if i should save it for when i got to germany so i cant talk to him until i get back. that or ill tell him before i go to jacksonivvle for the fair and sihns house, because ill be gone all weekend in that case. yeah, i think ill do that instead and get it over with. somehow i highly doubt hell believe me, but thats fine. if it comes to ending a friendship, i can live with it this time around...well, time for nighty night...
100903
...this morning was priceless, it really was. i woke up about the same time alex did, which was about nine i guess, and it seems like everytime i do wake up with him, things change and get better. -puts ring on desk-...keeps sliding off...but, i woke up and i was very, very cold, and i had no clue why until i remembered that i left on the tempt low...and instead of getting up and changing it, i curled under alex and pulled the blanket back up, and it looked like there was another blanket that wasnt there before, which i guess he got up and found. he talked very softly, and almost right next to my ear, while he combed my hair out...he said hed go today and set things down with his parents officially and tell his dad how things are going to be. that no matter what, before he leaves there hell make sure things are fixed. and if he has to make blind threats to him, hell do it. i told him problems dont get fixed by blowing them off. and he told me he wasnt, he was just handling things the best he could under the circumstances. that if his dad is that put off and set for me to not come back, alex wont ever go back home, or talk to his family, or go to holidays. he loves his family...his dad just doesnt love me. so i said fine. i said fine because, i barely know what to say myself to his father. i never knew how to tell someone who was stubborn how to live and work things out. thats why i couldnt live at my house. at the time change would never ensue. if it cant change at his house...idunno. its a frilly matter i dont want to go through again. either way, were going to set up looking for apartments, or rather, studios in a couple of weeks now. that or we may get matt and all mvoe back in together, but alex said that would feel odd to him. so hes going to go talk with matt and fix things between them later. it doesnt really matter to me because ill be home when theyre not, or when hes not. ill be at work in the morning and painting/sleeping in the afternoons/nights. alex said he might go to working restaurants or something. i told him to ask his mum to pay for college or something, so he can do something better than that. he could even get into accounting since hes good with that, or get into computers. either, it would be something, but then again, it would be a bit boring to him. he needs action and people half the time. he ket saying all of those things in my ear though, and i just ignored them, because its no good until theyre put to use, so i nuzzled his neck for warmth and crawled as close as i could get under him. he asked me after so much time had gone by, which didnt seem very long...if i would ever trust him the same again...and i said yes, i would, always have. and then he put it to me, if i trusted him enough to allow him to be sick with me. and hes already told me his whys and reasons, and theyre understandable...so i told him, if by one day, were both empty pocketed, or neither one of us care, or it just happens, then fine, but that i wanted him to stay healthy. healthy is good for him, it works and manages him very well. he could probably even handle being sick far more than me, because his immune system is superman, but i dont feel like risking it. telling him that, it hurt him more than ever when i have told him. i cant fanthom everything in his head, but thats just something he needs to deal with. well, needed to deal with...i opened up to him this morning, when we were tangled in limbs in that little haven...that i still hurt from way back. and he asked how did i mean, and i told him, that it hurts living, just a little. about when i woke up once, and i felt too real to the world. i didnt like the wind nipping at my damp hair and bare face, how the water burned when it was cold and when i smiled at strangers, i still saw ghouls there...i was so not worried, that i worried. it was impossible to be that easy, i mean, if i knew it had been that easy before, i wouldnt have tried so hard...i feel vulnerable when im not entirely vulnerable...i told alex of the day i almost slipped up, because i was alone in his house, and i was taking in every mark i had. he pulled me in closer when my voice cracked, and told me thats how life is, that its not completely perfect, and i understand that, i always have...i just guess i missed the disclaimer 'bad things still happen too' somewhere...he said after he thought i minute, that he was happy i didnt slip up, that meant i was strong and handled it well...that if i continued to do that, i could live still. that i would be good at living. and i think he made a good point...he had touched my nose with his and pulled up my shirt, and pushed the blanket aside, despite the chill...and he asked me, why i focused so hard on 'all these scars', instead of seeing past them. and with each word, he pointed one out, and he didnt even have enough words to point them all out...he probably never will...he pulled my shirt over my head, messing up my hair and pulling the cover back up some to cover my back. he put a hand over my upper arm and told me he doesnt see them anymore. its not that he doesnt want to, and not because they dont matter, but because...they dont worry him anymore. he doesnt have to feel scared for me in seeing more gashes, or ribbons in my arm...or scared of hurting me. and thats where he paused...and he told me, he was always scared he would hurt me...that he didnt want to do that. that everytime he gazed at the ribons on my arms when i was sleeping, he was so horrified of the world, so angry with it for being able to induce in me those feelings. and as he said the last part of his point, he ha slid a few fingers in the hem of my pj bottoms and told me he only want 'this' and love and everything inbetween them, with me. i hugged him and tried to regain the warmth he had cause me to lose, and when he tugged the side of the hem down and rolled away and said i would go take a shower and not to let anyone inside the house. i didnt want to do anything, i just wanted to step under the shower head and feel warm and clean. what i love about our bathroom, is you dont have to turn on the lights to have light in there, because of the smallish window we have around this corner, which is some funny glass and it had a blind over it nonetheless. and the other thing i love is the shower head. its pretty big and covers all of you when its on, unlike half the ones i ever see. plus the water pressures great. i loved taking that shower, one of the best. the fact i was pfficially warm was the best part, since i didnt want to catch a cold again. i had been leaning against the tiles with my head propped, just thinking about being happy and hopeful for my mum, that maybe soon shell be having another child who will get everything i missed out on and more. i think that would complete everything that has faults in it right now.i dont really care if its a boy or a girl, because i know i can be happy either way. but i can teach it how to skate or skateboard, and do tricks. all the pranks i know for sure. get it started on music of all kinds and teach it how to dance with my mum. then me and my dad could teach sports, or me and my mum could do fashion and weird things like cooking...i could teach it from the start how to keep an open mind and how wonderful things in the world are, how unique things can be...i thought of alex too, and i wondered how that future would be between us...i drew a blank when i tried to see it, and it shook me, because i can usually imagine anything......alex came in the bathroom and asked if he could get in with me, and i said sure and started washing my hair. he ended up doing that for me, and massaging my temples and neck. i remembered something then while he was doing that, and i asked him if the only reason he liked me or anything, was because i had long hair like a girl, or a girl ish body form or anything feminine i did that i wasnt aware of...and he asked where i got such a stupid idea, and i told him joshua was mocking me some while i mocked him, and said that. he told me he was a a stupid guy who needed to get laid. or beaten badly, one of the two. he went on to tell me that i only looked a bit feminine, but that it wasnt really there. that the way i walked was like a guy, or the way i carried myself i should say, and my voice wasnt near a females, and that judging my anatomy, i certainly wasnt one...and alex said he wasnt looking for a female anyway...when he said the last two sentences, he had touched low on my pelvic bone and rested his chin on my shoulder from behind. thats sort of when our shower went in the wrong direction i intended. i told him i didnt have any rubbers with me and he told me it was aok. i thought he meant it was aok he had some or it was aok, we wouldnt go there...but it wasnt what he meant entirely. we ended up kissing deeply and milking each other. he wouldve gone further if i hadnt have asked him not to, and by as the time went by i got impatient and told him, no, i pretty much gave an or else thing, to go find some, even if he had to rob the grocery store, and he laughed. and i was irked and he said 'i cant see myself getting caught with an armful of condoms running from the law'. i gave a glare cold enough to freeze water and got out of the shower trailing my clothes with me. he was shocked so bad i wanted to laugh, and he said i couldnt be serious, and when i was fully dressed he had gone by then. he came back and told me i must be lucky since he had some in the car...which i found, very odd. i told him curtly i was dressed and dry and unwilling to take another shower so soon, and his jaw dropped slightly. he tackled me to the floor after i kept laughing at him, and unzipped my pants, and i almost lost concious of being in the living room from his manhandling, until i told him to carry me or something to my room. he pulled one of those 'but we did it before' things, so i went to get up and he carried me instead. i think we ended up using most of the box, half because i kept shooting them off like rubber bands, dubbing them useless, but i dont remember that because he ended up pinning my arms down and torturing my mouth. and when i tried shooting a couple more across the room, he stuck his finger in me and my hips shot, and i told him i give in. all i know is, when it was all over, i dont think a handful of people could have pried me from alex. after we both took a quick shower, he left for his parents around noon. amy called me an hour afterwards and told me her and kelly were coming over to my house. and amy and kelly are two beautiful...oh my buddha...girls. they are to die for. amy has a shifted mohawk that falls to the side of her head, thats a very deep blood red, and kelly has something close to purple or lavender shower hair, thats shaved all the way up to her temples, and falls around her face. i swear on my life they are a wet dream come true. just having them around me is insane lately. when we went out to a few different clubs awhile ago i had to get danny to save me from being put in nipple clamps and some very odd things that looked like they went around a couple of coconuts. and of all the god damn things they did to me...when they got to my house, kelly put something in our vcr, and they both tackled me on the couch, and amy screamed out 'porn!' and i never tried to move so fast in my life, i even tried closing my eyes until kelly held them open and said 'hey mikey! he likes it!' which i did not! =| and can i now say what type of porn it was? oh yes, bondage =| and for the love of bloody mary, some if it looked painful which i couldnt escape from looking. 'and you want to do that to me?! -giving the wtf look of im dying crazy suspense-'...we ended up turning that off and puting it in her purse, and i got dressed again from my pjs. kelly wanted to play fucking barbie =| crazy bitch<3...she made me get in a pair of torn jeans and handed me my dying black tshirt, and my combat boots. then when we headed for the door to take a walk around my neighbourhood i asked if i could get a jacket, and they told me thats what they were for...thanks girls. so we went around walking, and generally freaked the hell out of my neighbours all around. they blew kisses to old men and amy licked my jaw in front of some mum. kelly kept fishing in my pockets for my keys, telling me she forgot where they were?!?!...ello. we finally got near amys house and met danny there, along with thom. they all drove me back home because i was cold and they didnt want me to walk back alone. when we drove up to the curb there were quite alot of people outside, and kids getting off from school. kelly and amy got out and said their goodbyes to me, gave some hugs. and just as i neared the door for alex, who was waiting, they screamed 'mikeys a nice fuck alex!!!' and they grinned so big that i fell in love with them both, and yelled back that they had lovely pussies themselves. they bowed and all of them carpooled to hot topic to kick danny out to work...todays been insane, so i think ill go watch the tele with alex for awhile...
090903 - morning
my parents left this afternoon for north. my dad has business and asked her to go along with him. i told matt it was aok for him to go back to his apartment, and thanks for taking care of me. he was a little hurt, but i explained to him how i wanted to be alone this weekend to think, so he was willing to go, but said that i could get ahold of him if i needed him. he weather got terribly cold around the house, and i left it that way. the phone kept ringing all day, so i eventually got up and turned the ringer off. kittie followed me around while i did laundry and fed him and took out the trash, and just stuff. i took a nap with him this morning and hed curled around my chest, it was cute. the doctor had given me meds the other day and it really cleared me up. he said i needed to work on some more excercise and eat more...i dont know how badly i wish to do that...i havent eaten in quite some time...there was a knock at the door around the afternoon sometime, and when i opened it, alex was standing there wet...he said '...please talk to me...'. i let him in and he shrugged off him jacket and i told him to take off his shoes. the house was a bit darker than outside, but i made my way without knocking things over, to the kitchen...and made him a cup of coffee...he came in there, and he was shaking cold, and i gave him his coffee, trying to be polite. i layed my cards on the table, and he answered all of my questions. i wanted to know why he used me against his family, and he said he hadnt been trying to do anything of the sort...he wanted to show his dad that he didnt care what he thought. that he was going to do what he wanted. he wanted to be ill forever, because hed rather suffer by my side then not have me around. he apologised for calling me names, but that he only wanted me to listen to him and i wouldnt...because i got upset and kicked his ass. he thought it was wrong what i told matt, since it wasnt all true...i told him how much it shredded my heart when he was trying to make me do something i didnt...that i thought he was going to rape me...and when i said that, he set down his coffee and sat by me...i flinched when he held my hand, turning it over, tracing it like i used to trace his...i used to do that, when i was afraid of touching people, of being touched...when i was tired of running away...i looked up to his face, and he was coming to the edge of diving off into the deepest seas of crying, and he quietly said, in the slowest, meaningful way he could 'im so...sorry'...i looked down, and thought how horrid i was to jump so far ahead and say things, but i really did believe them then...i got up and locked the door, and i made my way for my room, and i let him come in and climb in my bed, i closed the door and joined in...i nuzzled close to him, for comfort and for wamrth. he took off his shirt and pants because they were damp, and pulled up the cover...and even though there werent a thousand smiles between us...the caresses, the feather kisses and hugging, just being close in our little cocoon...it was liquid...i fell asleep, and woke up later embraced in a close hug...i got up to to use the loo, and came and got back in bed, and his lids were heavy, but aware...when i climbed back in i layed halfway across his chest and into the groove of his shoulder...he wrapped him arm around my shoulders and arms i had snuggled to me...he ended up shifting to where he was hugging me from behind, so he could cover me more...i went back to slumbering, knowing everything would be fine...and that...he loved me, and i loved him...
080903
im just waiting for matt to come pick me up right now. i was watching mr rogers for a little bit, and i miss it now that i think on it. it made me sad when i heard he had died, he really did a good thing for childrens television. if i had kids, i know thats what i would want them to watch. i was talking with joshua this morning, and it made me think more than i wanted to. thinking is good, but not on the sort of things that plague me. i got the guts to talk about alex to him...and i honestly didnt want to tell him a god damn thing, because i knew it would make things complicated in my mind, and it did. idunno...im not trying to break up with alex for being a dumbass or asshole lately, and i truely do love the hell out of him even if its a learned love from an awkward situation. im just upset, that, he used me against his parents to defy them, or rather his father. and i have this gut feeling thats why he wants to get sick partially. but staying in my house as a guest, and trying to make me do that...i hate it. thats the closest ive been to being raped again or harrassed in months. having that so close to home scared me immensely. i felt betrayed completely. and anyone that says i dont have that right can blow me, they werent there. im afraid hed do it again if i tried to refuse it. i mean, theres nothing he can get out of being so ill, and if he cared, hed realise theres a chance of me getting even sicker than i am now. it just bothers me...once i find out the hows and whys...maybe ill understand better. i called danny this morning and asked him what he thought, and he told me if 'the fucker' is treating me like that to leave. that all alex wanted was a boy to fuck with, and quite literally. and if he messed with me again, danny was going to hurt him severely...danny remembers how i used to be, suicidal in an extreme and an emotional wreck on the inside. he was more than excited to see me again and in good terms. i had showed him a picture of alex, and he laughed, asking why i was decked on a cheery person. this coming from danny, the bdsm whore =| or whatever they call it now. im going to call sihn when i get back, and see about going down to visit him. if anyone can help me work out this random bullshit, its him, or even matt. but i doubt matt wants in the middle of the situation. so sihns my best bet. and if anything hell even drive up and get me. i cant wait, i miss him alot. well, my rides late and here finally...
070903
without faith - thoushaltnot

'prove yourself to me', you say
a skeptic waiting for a faulty word
a sole mistake, a lapse of timing
i release your arms to show you trust
to make the miracle, to will the rain
to part the seas, to press the wine from water

but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye
but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye

and as you pull your eyelids shut
the buttermilk will boil to blood
and onyx black, the net of sky falls to reveal the light beyond
and still you swear upon your heart
that you can taste the wind and hear the ground
beneath you, yet you still refuse to see

but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye
but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye

with your doubt, all is comfort
we are all as we appear
no more questions left unanswered
no more wonder, no more fear
nothing is beauty, nothing's feeling
blood where there once was a soul
so i ask you, prove yourself
make me believe that you are whole

but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye
but without faith, i am nothing
to demand is to deny
for an instant you will see me
as i flicker from your eye

prove yourself, make me believe that you are whole

...today i woke up from one of the better sleeps ive had since ive come back to georgia. matt stayed the night as he said he would, and will continue to stay until, well, whenever. i was really happy. i got to sleep in my pants without having to worry about someone barging in on me or being talked down to about something that isnt a very big deal at all. i mean, kids sleep half nude together i know, so, hell. well, kid boys. kid girls would be odd to me. and instead of having to worry if alex was ok, if he was upset or pissed off, or his fantastic plans he always hid from he. come to think of it, i dont think there were a whole lot of times alex made his intentions clear, 'hey, i love you', whatever. i mean, i did that every damn day i know, because elle was always telling me what a good boy i was and how she thought it was sweet the way i treated him. i was a fucking dream come true if i would have been female. anyway...i never thought about that, that he was doing something malicious. at least it seems that way. but matt slept in my bed like he used to, just like a brother, even though we are probably a little more due to some things from before, and i woke up hugging him instead. if something happened between me and alex, i would like to try and keep things friends between me and matt. weve 'been there and done that' and know its there, but we just get along too much as buddies to complicate things. and if anything did happen, im confident it would be really nice, because me and alex werent really like that. when i first moved in withthem i was paranoid as fuck of alex more than matt, because alex was intimidating, and matts my height and relative weight and friendly as anything. me and alex werent buddies like that. he was always checking to see if i was aok, if it was warm in the house, if i needed to be looked after when i was sick, if i was in trouble...he was like a guardian. and...i cant believe im actually thinking these things...i remember when he came out and told me how he felt, and that night was horrible, because i had been harrassed at school or something, and it just got worse staying in the same bed with him that night. i didnt love him then. i learned to though, because of all he had done for me and all. all the effort and shit...i felt guilty, i know. i mean, who wouldnt after everything he had done, after seeing who he is. i owed him...so did i warp my own feelings to fit what i had?...this is messed up...omfg. no...fuck. i dont know anymore...omg. why did i even think of that, why havent i? because i was stuck in a rutt, yeah. because i was literally dying, i didnt have time to think that far...all that mattered was that...someone gave a damn...it doesnt mean i dont love him i think. thats silly. would it be necessarily bad if i loved him for those things?...i remember waking up with him, remember walks...it has to be real. did he want me to make him sick...so i couldnt leave? or does he really care?...i think im going to cry.....................i think that wall i built to help me get better just cracked, i dont know how else to explain it...all i can remember to get rid of that, is waking up with matt his morning, and thanking him in my ehad for being my friend, to stick up for me when he knew something wasnt right. for keeping me company when i wasnt safe even to myself, for giving a damn because he always did...i got up this morning, and i blew in his ear, and i was smiling at the faces he was making. i blew again and he made another with his eyes open, and tackled me sort of and tickled me. he always did goofy things like that...alex always acted like he was older than me...after i had gotten a raspberry and got him in a headlock, my mum came in and was wondering what was all the racket, which she probably knew, but she was just smiling. and i kept pointing and laughing at matt, telling mum it was all his fault...both my parents love matt, and they were a bit upset when i brought him in, but when i told them what alex did exactly, my dad was pissed and my mum just said aok. even when we ate dinner tonight, they were smiling and having some laughs when matt was talking about what happened when we lived together before. my dad got the biggest kick out of our huge waterfight we had. or when they stuffed me in the cabinet for almost lighting the apartment on fire. when me and her were cleaning up the plates she asked me why i hadnt ever thought of getting with matt, even though she used to think alex was a good boy. 'because mum. matts one of the few i can go out and feel normal with'. which is true. him, janis, and sihn, who i need to call deperately. and thats another thing, if i broke up with alex, i have all these wonderful people that want me to be around them in a relationship, and intimate. matts the most playful out of the bunch, janis is like my damn twin its scary, and sihn...god, sihn is so much. hes like a mature all of them. hes reminds me of how i act sometimes. very graceful, powerful, cynical, romantic in the most death-ish way that its a turn on, hes just, amazing. he blows my mind. and he...i remember he told me one day, after knowing me for a long time, that he found me attractive, that he wanted to sleep with me, that he wanted to dwell into my thoughts past all the bullshit and find me. and he had kissed my on the cheek. i told him i couldnt, and he said fine. it mattered to him, but he wasnt going to blow it out of proportion. it wasnt a big thing...but with alex, i had to. i was always persuaded if i wanted to sleep, or just tricked cheaply into it. its nto like i have a easy on off switch when it comes to that either. sihn gave me control even in our friendship. janis didnt have to do that, neither did matt, because i was always in on whatever was happening. if me and matt were going on a round about to do things, i was ready, and if janis wanted to launch waterballoons off the roof, i was willing...but i couldnt always do things with sihn. alex always wanted me to go do something or whatnot, sometimes i felt bad and told sihn that alex might not like it if i went out. because at the time, i still had trouble holding my liqour and keeping track of what i was doing. and one night i know i did that very thing, and sihn found me in a an odd part of the building. and sihn found out a few laters i was fucked with, and he told me lastly after he had wrung the guyses asses....i just feel so lost...right now i feel...it hurts thinking of all of this, because i know im helpless at this moment...matt helped me call the hospital my family is in with, and they told me they had a thing for people in my health condition that could get help if my familys income was low or i had money trouble, which i myself do, but my family is fair off. but i can get help anyway, so my meds wont be so expensive anymore, i can get practically free visits for checkups, phsyicals, blood tests, everything. my mum also got on the phone and explained how i wouldnt be on their medical plan for a bit, but if everything would be aok. and they said yeah, so im going to go in for my first real check up next weekend to see how well the meds i have now are helping, if we can find something better for me, if im getting excercise and eating right. just make sure im on track. and if everythings aok, i can leave without any big worries. and also, i got a call from hot topic, danny, and he said i was in something like a top ten and that i should get a phone call in a couple of weeks. there was also on the caller id, ross, and it was about 12pm, when we were asleep again. oh yeah, i forgot to mention it rained today, so when we woke up, we just layed in bed and just listened. it was nice...just having warm flesh to keep me warm, even with the blankets, and thankful. i think he even intended more than i was getting at, because he had pressed my back closer to him and curled half over me. he just treated me, like we were going out, or like one of the many people i had whored around with. he was attentive i guess. matts the only one that i know of that i ever told, that i didnt like talking when i woke up, and even now that applies...right now hes sitting down watching smallville with kittie in his lap...idunno...
060903
if i ever said i was more pissed than i ever was beofre, i want to replace it with now. i can barely type right now as it is, im a fucking wreck...i was talking with josh this morning i think, again, i heard the doorbell, so i got offline in case it was important. i heard matt yelling 'im on my break, get your scrawny ass out here mike' and when i opened the door, matt pushed passed me pissed and alex barged in. and as he barged in a moved fast for matt and held his shoulder and asked why the hell alex was here. he told me he needed him to come over and talk with me, so we could fix things. i asked fix what at the top of my lungs. matt was irritated and found my kitchen again. when he came back in i was pushing alex away and telling him to get the hell out of my space. matt asked what was going on, that he thought it was just something silly. i was dumbfounded and asked him what alex told him, matt said i was really sick? i told matt if he didnt get his perverseness out of my house i was going to kick his ass. then i explained to matt when he didnt believe me, what alex had done. alex said i didnt understand anything, that i was being a bitch, and then i told matt more of when i found out alex had dragged me not only a few hours away to get laid, but that he did it in spite of his dad. alex then, for some dumbass reason, called me a whore, and i slugged him with my full weight in the cheek and he wigged. after that matt needed an army to get me off, because i kept wailing on alex and in tears at that.matt grabbed me torso and all and pulled me off in the process of ripping alexes shirt, and placed me in a chair and stood in front of me, hands on the arms. i kept shaking my head and holding it, saying get out. matt pried my hands away and made me look at him. and he told me it was alright, to calm down. i kept telling him alex pushed himself on me, trying to make me do things i didnt want to do. matt had the balls to ask if i was saying that because i wanted alex to go away or if i was fucking with him, or if i was having a relapse in my memory. and i grabbed his shirt with what grip my hands could afford, and was pleading with him that i was being serious. that he tried to take advantage of me. and i cried. i said please so many times too.i said i never lied to him, ever. matt touched my leg and walked over and got alex out. alex made a fuss and told matt i was lying. matt told him to stop with 'this shit' and to go home. matt came back in and closed the door and kneeled beside the chair and said he was sorry he listened to alex to come over. that he didnt know. my lip was convulsing, and i just kept staring out the window. he asked me if i wanted him to stay awhile, and a little bit later, i asked if he would stay at my house with me for a few days, a week, anything he was willing to give. he left to ring his work, told them his mum had fallen down the stairs. i got up while he was doing that, and locked the door, dead locked it,e verything. matt hugged me and i wobbled. he got me out of my jammie pants and put me in my bed, and i pulled him to get in with me, so he did, and took off his work shirt, headset and shoes and just curled up with me. i didnt want to be alone, i didnt want alex to come back. i asked what if he came back, matt said hed either kick his ass this time or get him to go away. my dad pulled me out of bed later, demanding who the hell was with me this time, and i quieted him down and said it was matt, that matt took care of alex, that matt was my best friend. my dad kept looking at my brow, and i asked what was the matter, he told me it was bleeding a little. i told him i attacked alex and beat the hell out of him the best i could. my dad asked who got the better of the deal, and i said he got hurt more, so he was happy. i went to crawl back in, and matt asked what alex had really done, and i told him alex wanted to get permanently sick too...matt called him an asshole, and i konked out, and that brings me to now...which ill go back to bed, and keep matt with me at least...