...my bloody valentine - when you sleep... aok...so it's been a really long fucking time since i've updated this shiznit. well, i have my reasons, and i'm not going to list them all, but i will try i suppose. so yeah, fuck, where to begin. i have been off and on medications like a bunny in heat. i just took myself off of a really high dose of paxil. what the hell was i thinking by taking that. i don't take xanax anymore either. i was so fucked up i'm now on effexor. also, a really high dose. i was at a really low weight a few months ago, shit, more than a few months. i was committed to a clinic for anorexia, among so much else. i have never been more pissed. i got out when they realised i was an old fart and slightly more rational then i was accused. i went with some guys to the hostel in the forest a bit after that. most amazing, wild, memories i'll ever have. i stayed there for a week i think. came back and stuff. i've changed apartments like underwear as well. i now live with some very hot goth chics who are steadily wooing me towards their beds despite how hard i fight. and with both. cheerrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssz. hmm...speaking of undies, i have slowly started to realise that my disliking for boxers was a very bad thing. although, increasingly harder to hide erections, but very easy access. speaking of such things, alex. not that alex is easy or i am...well...i might be, idunno. but yeah...not so much going out anymore. we've decided on an open relationship, despite my many prevailing medical flaws. he takes care of me though and speands whatever free time he has or when he has it, which is often. he'll just hang around the flat and watch me paint, help me clean, and stuff. we don't talk so much anymore, just small talk. i've taken a lot out of him in the recent months, mostly from all the hospital visits i've made from cutting and shit. there was one week i caught an odd flu/cold and was laid up in bed for a bit. i had to have an i.v. hookup for something another. i've also had a lot of blood drawn oddly enough. which alwas leaves me with these kakamainy bruises the size of baseballs. people believe i'm a heroin addict mroe than ever. oh well, fuck em. i also saught out a job at a convenience store, nightshift. i babysit tasha's sister's kids on the weekends. during the day sometimes i drive friends around and get money that way, kind of liek a cabbie. so, kudos...i really need to get to bed though, i'm fucking exhausted...and tasha's wearing something cute...and is cuddly...>.>

well, first off i would like to apologise for not writing guys, and for my bodacious spelling errors, because they don't matter right now. so, anyway...yeah, hospital. i think...no...well, what happened is, as some of you know, i uhm, i let myself wither, and that's my fault, and i antagonised it by working too hard in too many areas. i won't elaborate, it's obvious. so yeah, it hit me hard one day...i had been, well, i hadn't slept in awhile, even with pills, and i hadn't eaten anything that stayed in me, so two bad things. on top of that, i was exerting myself in excersing and 'physical' things. the only time i wasn't was when i was laying down or taking a shower or something. the day this happened, the night before i had been the best fucktoy anyone could ever want, almost programmable! and i cleaned the bed, i cleaned house, i took a shower, i made everything look 'perfect'. fucking perfect. the only reason i had done anything that night when i didn't want to is because i found out i embarrassed james in front of his friends with my scars and clothes. they were those sort of frivolous people. i couldn't go running after doing my jobs or cleaning because my body was too tired, and i couldn't lift a knife to mutilate my own body even, because it was jsut too much. so i went to bed, on the floor in a spare room. i tacked seets on the window, i clsoed the door so the dog couldn't come in, i made a pile of my clothes to sleep on, the works. i slept a couple hours, i woke up with cramps in various places, one specifically in my chest, i eventually spat out blood/mucous/'food, and fell asleep. that's a key factor, because i clean up after everything i do, it's sad. i had hot and cold flashes as the day went on and i went in and out of sleep. i got up, i took the dog out, i came back in, i fell asleep. i fell asleep and i didn't wake up until i was in a hospital bed. i had...a ton of tubes in me. things in my nose, blood stuff, some clear liquid. i woke up with alex holding my hand, like he had been crying or something. he looked like he wanted to say sorry so badly. i knew my parents had to be there, they wouldn't have let him in the room otherwise. he kept repeatedly brushing my hair to the side and touching my face and kissing it too. i tried talking and couldn't, so i pulled him in, r just, well, he cam eon his own, and i asked him what happened. he said they ssid that...i was, undernurished. the doctors had cussed my family out almost for not watching me closely. and he was going to say more, but he just hugged me. and he started crying, telling me 'you"re so small michael, so fucking small'...he can fit two of me in his arms, i know it. i know he hates running his hands over my skin because of the bones. but then, i know he loves me too much not to. i fell asleep in his hug, i slept all the next day until he came again with my parents, parents left, alex crawled up in my bed, plenty of room, and i fell asleep again. eventually, i got to go home, back to my house. it was weird, because i haven't been able to dress myself in days before then. alex brought me new clothes though, they smelt like him too, which gave me some security. as i walked out of the hospital, some people looked at me, and i asked alex why, and he told me 'you look like shit, love', and put his arm around my shoulders. when we got home there were a ton of my friends around, hugging me, kissing me, sending their best wishes. everything was really loud, and i asked jobeth for a mirror, the vain bitch she is, and looked and i was disgusted. i looked like i had two black eyes, the things in my neck stood out...i dropped t and walkes straight to my room closing the door, even after everyone kept calling my name. my nicknames. the name i got called when i was raped. they called me everything except mean things. i wanted to tell alex so much about the jackasses i had met at jameses. not just from lunch, but from the guy's whos name i can't even get right, and no one will believe me. not even the people i told yesterday. 'stop fucking around mike, you must get raped by everyone and everything'...it might have not been rape, but god dammat i know it was molestation. i KNOW it...it hurt when i was told that. it really did. so i guess, all those times i was used, no, those were just MY doing. i really wanted to get fucked and fuck and those things, hell, i love all of it! i love not being able to breathe or get away from someones hands, oo ahh. FUCK YOU ZACK...fuck you...i went right back and stayed at uhm...dani's...amy cussed me out when i got there, and i think he may have just left her then. he grabbed his clothes and some random thigns and just left, and took me over to ethan's, and we slept in the basement. p.s. the basement happens to be his room, very larhe too. ethan and him and have been working though, but in the evening, ethan will come home and help me out. he makes sure i take my meds at night that the doctors gave me, and dani helps me in the morning. they've been spenind a lot of time with me lately, and it feels good. they won't let me be abusive to myself or depressed, they always get me up and going somehow. but it still doesn't help. and i still want to die. but i'm glad they gave me a chance and haven't made me do anything i didn't want to do. i think i'm going to go crawl in bed, maybe with fani because it's super cold. i think i'll visit matt soon...
i wish i could say that my last couple days have been worth loving and all that bullshit, but they weren't. i, traditionally, will whatever fits on my body, and some things that are way too big, any colour, no names or familiar sayings on them. yesterday, i went out with james and some of his friends. his friends are slightly well dressed and that sort, do gooders in whatever the hell they do. i was completely out of place. not only due to my hair btw, but i have on my t shirt i had a girl make for me waaayyyy back in the day. the shirt's blank black on the front, and on the back is the satanic demon thingy/pentagram. it's not hard to tell what it is, it looks just like my red tshirt with the same symbol, only that symbol had latin written under it. i had my skate shoes on and a pair of coal/gray slacks, one knee working on being ripped from lots of wear and tear. although, i was nice and tied my hair into a pony tail so at least they could see my disgusting face and that sort. but, i did not wear long sleeves, so as usual for those not embarrassed to be seen with me, you could see old scars and if you were lucky, the new ones too, since my shirt is sort of small anyway. anyway, to my point. the whole lunchtime thing we all did, they did nothing but make innuendos about what i do and who i was, insulting me and calling me blatant names, which i shrugged off. james didn't say anything, which i guess was a sign of my good stability to deal with people? no. i sat at the table digging my nails into my palms and the outside of my palms. only when they started bleeding did james take me to the loo and talk with me and wipe my hands off for me. i tried pulling off the 'i"m fine' thing, and it didn't work, so we went back to lunch and he defended me from there on out. i did something wrong though, which i shouldn't have done and would never actually do, but i took all my bottled up rage, true rage, and took it out on james with sex. lots of clawing and biting and blood and just, it was stupid to do, but he didn't seem to realise what i had actually done or why, it was just something 'kinky' i guess. that pissed me off that he didn't realise my true nature from me being in pain or just hurting on the inside. but i got over that by slamming my fist into a wall, more sex, a bit of walking, and washing his dog. oh god...i was so tired and worn out that i had managed to get his dog IN the tub, but when i tried getting him out, i just...he toppled me over with his full weight and when i hit the tiles i yelped out in pain because it was all bones and just...god...he just slobbered on my face and licked me like it was all good and gravy. i called home after that to ask about getting my prescriptions filled and no one picked up, so i'm screwed with that. not good though. sooo...i think i'll go buy some sleeping pills in a bit. i can't take this much longer without breaking down. and i would liek to add, that lunch with those fuckheads really messed my system up, yay...
again, it's been awhile...well, i'm off the xanax for good, my therapist though i could handle it and that i didn't have to see her that much anymore, the once every month thing...i think i made a mistake, but i don't know how to admit it. and this is where my problem lies...i was taken off of that, so i still had roughly five other meds to take, one of which was for my stomach, so i'd eat...now...myabe for the past five days, i haven't been able or willing to eat. i mean, i do what's required and might pop a cracker in, but it's not enough i guess...and i think i figured out why i was having cramps and those things...i wasn't taking my stomach med, and not even takeing it right. now, if i stop eating and still take it, that's bad...and it's even worse if i stop taking the med and stop eating...my stomach will go back to eating itself once it can't find any other nutrients to supplement my needs...i'm upset for what could happen, and mad because i can't stop taking them. and everyone wonders why i never liked taking meds, they'll take over your life. just like my antivirals did, i have to take those now, no matter what, or else i'll feel extremely wasted and shitty. and i think i've been taking those the longest too...anyway, they're all mad at me, es[ecially alex and my mum. my dad doesn't really get why they're upset, but he can sympathise i guess?...my mum's cried, alex has not only yelled at me and walked out on me while talking, but he won't stay aorund me for long without yelling himself. so...i hopped around houses...i went to danny's first, danny was really concerned for me being so tired, amy got mad at him, so i left from there and stayed with some gay friends, which almost cost me an orgy, then finally i went to jameses...and stayed. it's only been a few days, but he seems to be really happy that i'm around, and has talked, well, explained a lot of things to me...between that and the little amounts of sleep i got, i slept a lot with him. not only because i didn't have anything ot draw on, but because...to fill up time, to not care maybe...i did it, before he went to work, on his lunch break, when he got home, before dinner, after dinner, and before bed, no exaggerations...i haven't actually been wearing clothes lately, just some sweat bottoms of his...and the not sleeping thing, i stopped taking the sleep meds, it's not like i need it anyway...anyway...i don't even fuck around with alex that much, so...idunno...i've slept when he's gone to work and at night when i can catch it...i think he noticed the toll everything was taking on me, because he asked if i want4ed to cuddle up for a nap this afternoon instead of whatever we could get up to. reminds me of when i came by the first day, and he was going off on 'oh you look great' 'oh you look good' just, going in one ear and out the other. i found out right after that he loved this and that and though i looked so healthy since last time he saw me...i know he cares about how i feel and if i'm all right, but i doubted it just a little then, because he was practically drooling and undressing me with his eyes, without me even having to staple a tag on his forehead...my ass hurts tremendously though...it honestly feels like the last time i was raped by those guys...i think james was in a hurry a few times and neglected to put on enough lube and just, yeah...i know for one thing, i'd feel completely embarrased if i had to even walk to get his mail, because i can't walk straight whatsoever...i told him that and he must have felt so guilty. 3we took a hot bath together, and he did nothing but rub all the muscles in me that were sore. and after that, he took his precious time doign everything. he greased me up like the tinman and just...went so slow, just like he did the first time and a few other times. it wasn't as painful as it had been before to me, it was very compassionate of him to do that...a day or so ago when we were really at it before dinner, alex called me on my mobile and went quiet, asking what i was doing, who was there...two questions that took me awhile to answer betweenjames moaning and me trying to breathe. i think he was shaken up a good bit when i told him where i was and what i was exactly doing. then he asked me when i thought i was coming home, that he was sorry for getting mad so quick, that he missed me and stuff...and i know i was agggravated and really busy, but i think i said something i shouldn't have, and that was...was about him missing me...and i said 'all you miss is fucking me', and he said...said 'i"ll talk to you later mike, hope you"re doing ok', and hung up...sort of reminds me, i emailed josh and he never wrote back...idunno anymore...
...been awile since i've been able to get on here and type, much less write in my own journal for that matter. i think i'll stop writing in my real journal though, people might find it and think i'm going suicidal again, even though...i do think about it more now. lately it's been a little hard. during/around the new year i came down very ill with the flu. originally i was supposed to go get a flu shot because my mum was paranoid. i never went to the hospital, but i did spend roughly a week in bed, pretty much on the verge OF dying.i scared everyone really bad, and i didn't even mean to. i didn't hawk up blood, surprisingly, but i did....my mum and alex took turns watching me and helping me get to the loo to throw up. i couldn't really eat either, and they had a bitch of a time trying to get me to take my medication, much less flu and cold syrups. i lost five pounds that week...it's both scary and makes me angry, because i worked so hard for them...i got better and fooled around a lot with alex, only to regret it later...one of the days i was feeling better, i was somehow put on display...well...we were busy in my room and my mobile kept vibrating on my dresser which is only a foot tall maybe and metal, and he eventually snatched it and said i was busy fucking, and turned my phone off. ten minutes roll by and kelly, and a couple of her friends, knocked on my front door, i answered it only after struggling to get away from him before they gave me a headache. i threw on sweatpants and got the door, they came in and stuff, we sat down, they talked. her friends were very enthusiastic about me, while kelly was just, being shy or osmething. he came out of the room, holding a sheet around his hips, and i don't know if they caught it, but he was struggling to keep a boner hidden in a fist of cloth in front of him, but anyway...he sat dow in the chair with me, or rather on the arm. before then, they had been asking me questions about sex and those things, and i answered the questions, but everytime i did i kept getting mental pictures and just...wanting to run to the loo. that's not what happened. what did happen was alex got impatient and asked them questions. somehow, one way or another, we ended, well...i was pretty much dragged back to my room and hopped on/in, something >.>...and the girls just sort of came in and shut the door and made themselves comfy, and one of the questions alex had asked was 'wanna watch'. i thought that was a joke, i relaly did, until they were in my room and i was asking them to leave and being shut up with another mouth against my own. all i know after that is one of her friends got off and i had a hard time not ignoring them for a while...but in other news...few days passed, happy happy joy joy, a little scene from me on mutilation went, and then something, again, happened...during the days after i had the little girls in my room, alex kept teasing me about it, saying i liked it, i wanted more, that i enjoyed it, just those things. i kept threatening to rip his balls off...i'll finish this later