160903 - well here i am, back from learning to live again in what i couldnt stand before. rather amusing when i come to think of everything ive gone through to be able to sit here, in this infamous hell...that i now hold in some form of warmth. not sure right now. im so pumped with every medication known to man, for every symptom that has caused him so much grief, but made him so human...who am i?...im human, unfortunately. sigh...ive fallen in love with this little disc here, with so many lovely words, and so many more melodies that sing so beautifully together. rather nice, yes. perfect circles so much farther than i expected, that i do respect them. fools do not. one that im particular found of is called 'the noose', which made me smile, but i hope there is a deeper meaning than the one ive supposed, which is around death sadly. i mean, did they do something so horrid as to give them their own noose? maybe their own halo, their goodness destroyed them. if so, that is tragically beauitful in itself, because i think there are so few who die in such a way to redeem themself that way. or maybe its a sardonic pov or cynical or even sarcastic! by jove! ha. well, it breaks my heart all the more just listening to it, and i think the tears are evident enough of that. im happy that daniel gave it to me, it brightened things this afternoon. the pirate! arh! haha, what a goose. im also glad hes doing so well; i think i shall draw him something for such a wonderful consideration, for even knowing i was around! hmm...!...ill put a link to the lyrics i found, so that i can view them again later! yes! good idea, hvroom?! haha. amused so easily, thats sad. oh well! lets see...i found an email from josh in my inbox, surprised i surely was, i mean, how the hell did i know i was alive, or even remember it. i have suspicion of alex, but ill leave him out of it by due respect, and will leave the email where it is. it broke my heart in a fond way because i wasnt sure how to answer it...even though i should know how to fix the pain, i cause others by now. i could always provoke him and tell him to go to hell, i mean, what can i do for him anymore? how may he benefit? i guess ill send my apologies and goodbyes in the future. hell be fine without me im sure, he always was! i hope at least...well! what else. dinner was great at mum and pops house, and they were a happy bunch! elle went so far out of her way to cook some bazaar food for me, i was sort of scared to even eat it. but it was wonderful! oh!!!! and she was very pleased with my health too! she said she was going to make me a chubby little boy before i ran off again! help! haha, shes fantastic. pops was almost startled to see me as well, and stayed a bit afar for the most part. i guess its just odd seeing me again after so long. beyond that odd, its frustrating staying at the house, since i have to stay in my own room, major bummer indeed. bah, anyway. my first week back as been very refreshing and enjoyable, because i mostly spent it with alex himself, which i loved entirely. we stayed at a relatives house since they were gone on vacation. sometimes we went out together to get things, but mainly we lounged about talking. it was very precious and comforting, and even needed for the both of us. buddha, over three months of not seeing him. a huge pain right there. well...the time away was good to us both, and im doing better and fairly healthier than last time. bugger, i forgot to put my can of pineapple in the freezer to eat...have to type more till then. yes, healthier. hmm...aha! i saw matt for the very first time since way back! gorgeous man, we had a good time horsing around with alex at the park playing basketball. im sure if the public was staring at both alex and matt or at me unfairly, for various reasons i would guess. eh, matt won though, bastard. i almost did if i hadnt gotten kicked in the rump to the side. it was just good being back with family and friends in, the end. i could tell they missed me immensely, and im greatful. they know its returned, so its good times. aside from being back here, staying at alexes relatives house was awesome. it was just weird. the doctors were weird, almost nicely normal to me. the people around town were even more nice to me. strange, but nice. i even made some excellent friends while there, all were alexes of course, and a couple that were friends of the relatives, jojo and steve. i sold some paintings while there and read quite a lot. right now im even reading pride and prejudice, which i adore and even love darcy. i just wish the dialogue wasnt to boring as opposed to the descriptions. this woman, named cari-dawn, gave it to me to read. i became good friends with her right up till i came down here. she was very sweet, extremely understanding and supportive of me, and helped me out with a problem or two when my thoughts caught me off guard. that was around when they took me off the depression medication, because it was clashing with the anti virals for the hiv. but thats ok, maybe theyll find a more suitable pairing, and i can get back on it if i need to. im supposed to meet up with this guy i met at factory tomorrow or so to go to shakespeare in the park; theyre having macbeth! itll be grand since i havent been to too many things like that in a long time. i guess ill go take a nap before i get ready to go out with the others to go bowling. typing all of this is wearing out my poor fingers anyway. im sure ill have much to type about later, so ill end this here.
170903 - morning
"beauty is something very abstract, beauty comes, goes and never stays. beauty in its pure form is not enough. beauty can only be seen if you also have ugly things to measure it." - rudy r.

"as always, i will carry you, kicking and screaming, and in the end, you will thank me" - :w

reality is what you make it,
woven like your very dreams.
like the wakeful nightmares,
nothing is what it seems.

the comfort you deserve,
is not what you need.
blanketed by your own lies,
from which you feed.

it tears you apart,
to neglect what you've seen.
knawing at your empty heart,
they know not what you mean.

so, have you fallen past
what they know is skin deep?
can anyone reach in, and
wake you from your sleep?

maybe you're forgotten, and
lost in your own screams.
or perhaps someone has
offered to help set you free...
190903
ughh...i cant feel my eyeballs, they hurt that much, and its sad, really. the best bet of them getting better might be to not stay up late painting and to get some sleep while its dark. besides my eyes, alex is having trouble getting me out of bed to go do stuff with him, since im usually tired. ill compensate for him eventually, once i sort some subjects out...yesterday, well, the other night when i woke up, me and alex went and got some smirfnoff triple black, which is pretty nice, and went to the beachs near out by tybee, got pissed and whatnot. the ocean was beautiful, even moreso than the last time i saw it...which has been forever. the waves were really huge due to a hurricane being so close to us, and it was really chilly and windy. i loved it so much. it was so quiet too, except for the occassional people strolling out around there or sitting down, too. for the past few days we havent had a chance to sit down and just be with eachother because his parents were always around or someone was visiting, or just something annoying. it reminded me of when we used to go for walks at night in jax, and when he gave me my ring. we talked about the stars, about black holes and various things dealing with them, about what it would be like to be out on the ocean in the pitch black with no one around, how society seems to worsen, how his generation hates mine for not being true to themselves, and how its annoying of how all true forms of everyone seem to disappear when you go in public. and how the older generations think down on us too. i think after so much alcohol, i just wigged out almost completely. all i could see was the ocean, the waves, and his hand where it was wrapped around my shoulders. but then again, i guess with only that, and the warmth by my side and hearing him just talk, without being coherent of it...it was enough. i realise the patience, devotion, and care, from all of those small things, plus all the other small things i always see. it was a nice night to remember for sure, im glad we got home safe even though he had been drinking. i know he wouldnt have drove home if he knew he couldnt, he wouldnt risk it. anyway...this morning was nice, since i watched him sleep and couldnt sleep myself. i did the whole lot of them a favour by fixing bunches of pancakes for breakfast, tons of toast and juice and the like. it made them very happy, so i was pleased with that. although, i thought elle would freak out if i used anything in her kitchen, its like her damn chauldron. evil cool lady, hehe...eh...ohhh...i also finished pride and prejudice while he was sleeping. it was obvious darcy and elizabeth would get married in the end, but reading it happening...it made my heart light with content, because it was not only so sweet, it was ideally wholesome in that, despite his over abundant pride he was taught of and her prejudice hypocrism, they compromised for each other, because they loved one another that much. i loved that. i almost wish there was a sequel!now, only if the dialogue wasnt so bloody boring. hmm...one of alexes friends i met a day or so ago offered to lend me a book to read by the guy that wrote fight club. they both said i would love it, due to my oddness and general eccentricities. so ill be reading that book, choke, and the restaurant at the end of the universe, and this book called emma, that elle gave me to read. she said it was a sappy romance novel, shes sly like that. so ive got a romance novel to look forward to, a satirical one, andddd a gorey one. and i do imply gorey with the extreme...im going to go snuggle, too lazy to draw right now, or type...
200903 - morning
i cant believe i had to change my passwords. i cant believe i forgot he checked the damn things. so i wonder now, should i be upset because i forgot, or because he cant mind his own business, which i respectively leave him alone with on his side. jesus and his monkies...hmm...i should go eat breakfast, but i want to add a few things before i go. pops and mum have taken such good care of kittie, he even added some mass...which is creepy as fuck. hes stronger too and more playful, almost nuts. im happy though, that hes doing so great. and thankful they took him in. with all the traveling alex did, im surprised my cat isnt scared of him or anything that moves. ill buy the cat something special later, and buy the rents a token of appreciation too. i think as each day passes, and everytime i watch alex sleep, he becomes more beautiful than he already was to me. in those few hrs i can find out so much that i forgot about him. everything by the way he looks so peaceful and happy, which i hope he is when he is awake, to how much he cares about people, how much he trusts them. i remember, about five days ago when i was chasing his uncles dog lucky, and i busted my ass, because the dogs stronger than me, and fairly bigger than me...he pulled my ass. and i ripped my pants legs and scraped my knee bad on the sidewalk. i guess it wasnt too much his fault that he saw a squirrel. but anyway, alex fixed me up like it had been my cat who got mawled by another cat. the looks on his face were adorable and made me smile. he cared a whole lot, and did it all with care, like he does everything. now that ithink about it, i feel like a little kid almost...hes been tucking me in bed like one. although i got a kick out of when his mum came to get him to reach something in the cabinet, she smacked him and kicked him in the butt to mush along. lol, his dad had to sit him down for a sex talk, lol. and i thought that i was going to be the one for that. elle made me and her special cookies and milk so we could listen to them talk about it. i think when we had to keep each other from laughing and our surprised looks at the language of pops, that was good times. last night i slipped out to watch him sleep all night. well...not all night. after watching him for so long and remembering all of the good memories i have with him or of when i thought fondly of him...it made me cry some...i was happy and sad...for the both of us, for him...so i crawled in bed, trying not to wake him up, and got as close as i could to that caring...because thats the only place i want to be. only place i need to be anymore...i fell asleep for a couple hrs, and i woke up just, enclosed by his arms, and i got teary eyed again...because what i needed form him would always be there even if i didnt remember or know it, but he would...i need to go eat breakfast before i literally get carried off...yeah...i love him...
200903 - noonish
oh. my. buddha. underworld...was so amazing. and a bit funny too! i loved the girl, she was violent, and gore riden...and kicked everyones ass! she had my combat boots, i thought that was neat. i went and saw it was alex though, and he got bored in some places and attacked me. 'it was just too gothic'. 'you live with me alex...i am the embodiment of pure stricken despair and evil. and you love meee!'...thats ok...i think hell has a nice surprise when he wakes up in the morning, once ive planted it though. i bought, well, borrowed money from pops, to buy a halloween mask. right when hes waking up im going to scream like all hell while wearing that. i cant wait lol!!!! ah...im bad...hahaha, and its so spiffy. sigh...we all watched anger management after i got back, me, alex, dave, daniel, uhh...ash...oh, and matt and drew. crazy stuff. i think one of the best parts was when the doc farted in the bed and asked 'did your hear that frog?'!!!!!! XD good times. dinner was great btw. we had vegan lasagna, italian bread with margerine, veggies that i cant remember, a fruit bowl, andddd waterrrrrr...i had water though...i beat alex in eating the most and miss elle gave me an award, which was a superb hug and kotc. sweeeeeeeeeeetness...

gravity - a perfect circle

lost again
broken and weary
unable to find my way
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go

i am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
i choose to live

i fell again
like a baby unable to stand on my own
tail in hand
dizzy and clearly unable to just let this go
i am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
i choose to live [3x]

catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
help me survive the bottom

calm these hands before they
snare another pill and
drive another nail down
another needy hole
please release me

i am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown
catch me
heal me
lift me back up to the sun
i choose to live [2x]


i felt like that quite a bit over the past month...i wonder how long it will last, or if it even will. and if it doesnt, will the man i love so much, be there, in case i slip completely. is he able to love me that much...does he ever get tired? am i ever too much? anyone is capable of what he is, but is anyone able to stay that way...and not breakdown themselves?...i hope he never breaks. if he breaks...then, were both doomed. i wish i could take the love i feel and have for him, and open his chest cavity, and place it safely in there, with a fragile sticker on it. surrenderings a nice word...because i feel as if thats just what i have done. i have given up what pride i had in death, and surrendered to his will of wanting me healthy and alive. i gave up my struggling, fear...my emotions commited suicide for him...so far he has opened me up and still kept me safe from everything that has destroyed my innies. how does one do that? i guess i have this profound respect for him in general, but also because...well, if this were your average joe relationship, hed be the guy, totally. hes the protective one, the one that can fix anything with superglue, just...hes everything. i cant stand the thought of me slipping up to where i was, and him leaving me. i doubt he would do it, but anything can happen...i know in order for me to be healthy and everyone else happy with my decisions, i cant...stop eating. i eat so much, it makes me sick, even if im not full...idunno, bs. i still feel so small and unimportant in the schemes of life. it seems no matter how much mass i can get on me...it doesnt seem to be there. maybe these scales are broken. i would love another 20 pounds, hell 25. i still have a dip where i should have a tummie, and a big one since i eat so much. hell if i care...it seems like alex lost some mass, and even got sick that i heard of from his parents. elle was telling me has ill he had been looking, of how they barely saw him get out and about...im worried. i mean, he seems fine now. all smiles, laughes, and he glows. he looks fine, but i know from experience, that hes probably fucked up on the innies. and from my position, im not sure what i should do to help him.we talked about it when i actually got to ga, and he just clung to me, and we fell asleep like that. i thought i would be crying to finally see him, but i wasnt, he was the one crying, and i couldnt understand it. well i could, but i mean...ive broken something in him. hes probably been through so much more than he ever has, and even he cant grasp all of it by himself. he even said he was so lost when i left state. about all of his long and tedious talks with janis, and he did help him only so much. janis told me that even the caring needed to be cared for, and thats all he did while he was with him. i owe janis a shit load for taking care of him while i was gone. speaking of, it was fantastic to see him again after being so far away from him for so long. we freaked out a bunch of old ladies one day because we were violently speaking german to one another and smacking the hell out of each others head while doing it. which led to us tackling each other on someone elses lawn, and us being chased by a huge dobermen. i swear, it almost bit janises leg off at one point. we were caught playing tag in a superwalmart...that didnt go too well. i think if he hadnt have been laughing so loud we would have pulled it off another hr, at least. before that, i know we got in some dresses, and paraded in the dressing room singing. he looks really goofy in anything but black, thats for sure. deep purple was nice on him though, haha. then right after we were leaving, we stopped and got some candy. well, on our way in, they only had one more dew left...so we ran, we fell, struggled, kicked and bit each other...and still...I GOT THE DEW...hahaha...mwuahahahahaha...i won. other than that, he can now play hackie sack. ohh...we watched a whole lot of garfield...and made fun of alot of porn on the tele...while drunk...which wasnt the best of ideas because we got caught laughing and making fun of the oddest asian shows. weirdness. when we got to watching monty python, all hell broke loose...and we got in more trouble conversing behind random peoples backs in german...andalexes relatives church kicked us out for laughing at the sermons. besides...we were right. and...janis screamed krieg in the mens room at golden coral...and totaler krieg...we made these huge straw things too to suck our sodas from the glasses at the ends of the table...we had to patch them up with napkins at the leaky points. this guy at the convenience store was flirting hardcore with some whore, so we sucked slurpy juice out of the machines...it was a great time. plus we talked alot, which helped me get over some issues. i miss him a great deal, so i hope that eventually sometime in the near future ill be seeing more of him. welp...this is way too long and incoherent, so i shall go and...do random unmportant things until i fall unconcious on the floor...again...
210903||20903
...im so...fucking...tired. im glad jobie came and picked up his kids. i love them terribly, but they wrecked havoc on my body and my ability to stay awake. i shouldnt have stayed up talking with josh...all it did was get me bad things. plus, it didnt even go anywhere significantly important that i can assume right now. idunno, it just felt like a waste of time, right around when alex found me up. first it was 'hey love, you need some sleep', to 'why the hell are you talking to him'. he didnt even seem mad, just...lethargic. and hurt. i cant understand why he hurts because of josh. i know josh probably did something again he isnt aware of, i just cant make it out as to what. alex was upset and told josh i was alive and well, josh was acute and said thanks...idunno. maybe its all too much for alex altogether. i could stop talking to josh but im unsure of how that would go in either direction. he wouldnt even acknowledge me when i asked him about it. he ignored me, and that hurts, because he probably thinks josh had the idea of me asking. i asked again later on and he told me that all josh did was expect answers he couldnt give without blowing me off. that josh couldnt get past the simplicity of details to see bigger pictures. and maybe hes right, but he didnt answer my question. i used to do that sometimes, look at the details, so im wondering if i bothered alex more than i thought, way back when. i cant believe he ignored me.he flinched away, he told me to go away and leave him alone. i feel like ripping josh a new asshole right now. and kicking matt in the ass for telling me i was going to have a cat fight. i couldnt do the jerk off motion'i dont care', since i had a 7 yr old by my side. the seven yr old was adorable, the 12yr old kept following me around and asking me really absurd questions about myself. she asked me why i was so skinny, if i had a girlfriend, what i liked about girls, what i liked to do. i couldnt right out say one thing, so i just answered them the best i could. she kept tugging at the holes at the knees of my pants and shit, which got annoying because whenever i would chase the seven yr old and smack her with a pillow[we had a minny pillow fight me and the little one], the 12yr old, michelle, grabbed my belt, which she was very fond of, like my drawings, which she ran away from me with. i thought she might rip them or something or get them messed up. and when i was in arms reached, she stuck them in her shirt for crying out loud. grr...i did like nikki though. she sat in my lap while we watched toons, and we coloured in her books, and i spun her around and stuff. she was great company. i think when i squirted her in the head with a pistol, is when i was then chased all around the second floor, jumping over beds and random objects. i remember at once point i got some time to ask alex about when jobie was picking them up, and i think thats when we got in the first arguement about josh, well, him ignoring me at most. i shouldnt have held his hand or anything in from of the little ones. oh well. i watched the emmys with elle, and those were ok. i got pissed when fraiser and will&grace didnt win tons of things. me and her were talking about gay actors, and she was surprised to know niles and jack were really gay. we had a jolly time picking out all the nice looking people, whom elle remarked on one, shed loved to see one in a speedo...which i forgot who, but it was weird. i asked her if pops ever wore a speedo and her eyes got big and she giggled alot. and i dont want to imagine him in one...i think i would die in humiliation, and never look at alex in the same way again...he went to bed a few hrs ago. didnt even say goodnight, or hug me, or even incline he was going to bed to me. i found out from miss ele when i was looking for him, that he had gone to be awhile ago...i went up to see if he was ok, and when i got to the top of the stairs, i could hear him shaking, and wracking himself in dry sobs. between those he was talking to himself, and i wish i could hear about what, but i heard noise so i got up quick and moved. im scared to death for him...he wont tell me exactly what josh did...i know whats wrong with him right now since we talk...but he just got worse overnight...when i stumbled back down to ele after being at the stairs, i asked her, or rather begged of her, to let me stay in one room with alex. i promised her i wouldnt do anything extremely naughty, but that i just wanted to be able to be with him so close so i wouldnt have to check myself every five minutes for them. she asked pops and he said fine after saying some things, he left, and she asked what was wrong. i said i thought alex was getting sick, and she didnt want me to get sick, but after being a prick for a few, she gave in. so tonight ill find out whats wrong with him entirely, and why hes upset with josh. so now...bedtime...
220903
tiredtiredtiredtired...blehhh. i was attempting to look up transgenderism, only to find out it was complicated as chemistry itself. and then i went on to read about bisexualism...and that was edging on too much for me to read, even for me. some of the writers are complete ninnies and have no grasp of what the hell theyre saying. its making it difficult for me to find out the information for summer. she told me today she was ready to figure it all out, and she was really confused. she hates having periods, she hates having boobs. sigh...she told me she could see herself with other men, but she could barely see it being a girl. then she went on about how she doesnt want kids, or the risk of it. she was a mess, thats for sure. i wish i could help her, but i just dont have the knowledge to do it this time. it was hard enough for me to recognise who i was alone...anyway...i stayed up all night talking to alex about everything, and i think i have a good idea of whats bothering him, and now i can plan around how to help or make things livable for him. i had left being on the net to go lay down, and when i did he did what i used to do to him, and just caved in to me. ive never seen him cry quite like that, except for maybe once a long time ago. im pretty sure he cried the entire time i talked with him, going from mild shallow breaths, to not being able to breathe. he kept repeating 'you almost died' and the various similiar things to it for the longest time. i dont think he knows, how much i freaked myself out the same way. how i just, died, when i missed my head, entirely. i cant believe i was so malnurished i couldnt hold it steady to my head. and when i heard it hit the wall...its one of the deepest and most irrational feelings that ever moved me. i cried because i wasnt dead, i cried until alex came home and found me heaving and rocking...all he could do is stand there shocked. he seemed fine even up till i left, but what he told me the other night was...he couldnt get the picture out of his head...and he kept seeing me pull the trigger, and hitting my mark. he spewed so many whys out. he still cant understand what went wrong, and he cant piece together when i say i was ready. he got angry and pushed away from me, raising his voice to me and telling me 'i loved you, i cared, i cared'. and then he went right back to clinging to me. his mum opened the door, and i know he had to have known she was there, and i think her heart cracked at seeing and hearing him cry. she left and he started talking about how horrible everything was. how everytime i cut myself he thought he would go insane and scream, how it killed him to see the scars and remember he could have stopped all of it, that he could have helped me. so many apologies he made. it took me a few minutes to get it to him that nothing was his fault and everything would be ok. how that he didnt have to worry anymore about those things. that we could be happy and live together without fearing something bad to happen. how it broke my heart to having to see him that way, or previously when i owed him my life. he mentioned how he had gotten to a point when janis was here, that he just didnt want to be around anymore, that the thought of me not being here, was killing him entirely.i begged and apologised just like...when i used to to him. i asked why he wouldnt talk about josh with me, and he just went all out upset. he thinks josh will ruin me all over again, that hell take me back to not being able to see alex anymore, that ill ignore him, that josh is a selfish prick, that he doesnt understand whats wrong with me at all or never did, that he cant comprehend how alex feels, that he fakes his sympathy...just so much stuff...i tried to tell him that josh wasnt all of that and he just said he cant bear it...and then...we decided not to talk about josh anymore. josh was now a hurdle in which alex didnt want to pursue or fix, and obstacle he thought would come between me and him. and then, i did what i told miss elle i wouldnt, that i promised not to do at all. i just want to remind myself now, before in the near future i blame random things on myself, that he wanted it, enough to where he didnt give a damn if we were in the middle of a church on sunday. i felt so bad, one for betraying elle, and 2 because...it felt so much like he wanted me to just...just...it wasnt right, i know it, and he knows it because he isnt mentally all there and he didnt want it truely. he wanted me to do what he did to me one time when i was really upset, and just make everything go away.....he clung to me....it hurts knowing, that he cant control that medium, that unbearable suffering he knows nothing of. its like trying to fathom the universe for him....he was finally able to fall asleep around five am...he woke up around noon...and he looks, just, like, me. same tired eyes, same hidden frown, still...he put on a mask for his mum, and she was glad to know he was feeling better, and i was glad she didnt know one damn thing from that night. pops would kill me if he knew.....we took a walk down the street together, arm in arm, hand in pocket thing...it was easier this time around i think, because it was harder to tell who i was, so we didnt get asked alot of questions or anything. we rounded some corners and got some thai to eat. we didnt really talk, i just kept giving him reassuring looks and he smiled, and i dont think hell could have parted us the entire time, not even when some girl hit on him....we spent the rest of the afternoon laying down on the sofa watching the tele, and he fell asleep again, so thats why im here typing, to catch up with myself....i need to go wake him up now, so we can go to the grocery store and get some grubs for tonight. so, i think ill go do that now...
240903 - morning
i wish i could get the password on this to change...stubborn bugger...pops was gone at work all day and elle went out with one of alexes aunts to go shopping for once, so the whole house was really quiet, for once. having so many people, other than me and alex, is just too many to be calm. besides, i wouldnt ahve gotten to sleep all day/stay in bed if they were at home because they would have thought there was something wrong. and they act like theres something bound to be wrong, and theyre right, but i dont need a babysitter every minute of my life. it may seem like it, but i dont. i wasnt too sure where alex went yesterday either, which was odder than most things. since they were all jetted, i tried to draw/paint some, and that got old because i didnt want to do it enough, so i snooped around alexes room for a stuffie, and when i found my old teddybear buried among all his things in a corner, i went and crashed on my bed, right after i put a chair in front of the door so noone would come in. when i woke up it was really dark outside and the door was opened a crack. plus someone had taken the time and put a light blanket over me. and after awhile, i started feeling just like when i lived at home with my parents, when noone was home, or like when i lived over at the apartment. i was lost...kittie was curled up on my legs. hes such a goof...when i got up to go see what everyone was up to, i saw that they were all still gone and there wasnt a note, which was even odder of them. i raided the kitchen for food since i hadnt eaten all day, and found out all of the food required me fixing it, so i gave it up as a lost cause and suffered. ifed kittie and left that. i guess no one else thought to feed him the other day, so i felt sort of bad. at least he remembers to let me know when me and him need to eat...by the time i got upstairs, i ended up taking a shower again...and it felt wrong, not because i was used to taking one when people were there, but because i was afraid to be alone in a house and around a bathroom still. i found time in the little space of time i had created...and i found myself tracing all the scars i had. and i never realised how many there were...i even still had 'brother' in my chest, a faint 'im sorry'...so many words...every time i traced a scar and remembered why it was there...i felt like a little piece of my crumbled to the floor, and disappeared...i never really see them anymore, but the ones on my lower arms bother me...because i can see them, the long ones that stretch to my wrists, but werent deep enough, and so can everyone else...theyre fading away though, like the faint ones on my wrists from a long time ago...and when i got out finally to brush my teeth, i was scratching my back, and i saw in the mirror the really faint patch at my lower back...it was hard enough seeing all the scars reflected in the mirror...but that was too much for me to see anymore still...i just cant forget things like that. i laid my head on my arms on the counter and started dozing off after awhile, trying to make the things in my head, the pictures, go away. it bothered me more than anything...its part of the reason ill always be sick now, so whenever i take my meds and ask myself, why am i having to eat these horsepills, ill go, oh right...right..., and thats just...what can you do?...i pulled my hair into a pony, grabbed my shirt, and got out of the bathroom before anything else was remembered. and when i did, i ran into miss elle and covered myself. no need to have her strain her eyes...she was more understanding than pops, and i had already done the motion before, so she got it, and hugged me, told me goodnight, and went to bed. i started heading for alexes room, then i just grabbed the blanket in my room instead, and the teddy, and threw my shirt down, and went and crashed on the sofa. next time ill have to remember how cold it gets in the house, but i found my sleeve shirt a few ago, so alls good...actually, what woke me up from being unconcious, was a nightmare. i would have brushed it off if it hadnt have been about what i remembered in the pottie. but it was too hard to do that...because i can remember the voice, i can remember the pavement tearing up my shirt and back, how it felt...all of it...the sofas looking comfy...and this was pointless again...
240903
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/selfinj.htm, http://www.selfinjury.freeserve.co.uk/flash.html, http://depression.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.selfharm.net%2F, We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."
250903
http://www.gender.org/resources/getting_real.html
http://www.gendertalk.com/info/resource.shtml
http://www.ftminfo.net/links.html

well that went well...too tired to look further today, and thats just being lazy but i really am exhausted. anyway, back to summers problems whcih i care enough about to look up. yeah, theres several ways to get the operations. first you would do a 'top' surgery, to get rid of the breasts, which summer has small ones so itll be a sinch. and thats not too expensive and some organisations may even pay for it. but its 1800 i think, somewhere along there. then if she wants to go on, she can start a 'bottom' operation, which will 'remove' her genitals to create her new ones. they can do them 3 ways i think. one they take the skin from your forearm, another they stretch your belly down, and another is they directly take the clitoris/vagina, whatever, and. well i got mixed up here, but i think they cut it or stretch it or something, but this is the best way to do it, because shell be able to get all of the same things she would get out of having what she has now, except she wont have sperm or offspring, which floats her boat im sure. also with the latter suggestion, theres minimal scarring and screw ups possible. the only draw back is, is that few can do it, and even fewer can do it 100%. its the least expensive out of the three too. that reminds me, if she does, and probably might if she does the 'bottom' operation, shell take hormones to fill her out in a boyish way, or shell become more androgynous than she is now. but if she did that then her current bottom would grow out and theyll make the new bottom out of it, then do an additional surgery later so itll be bigger and shell have somethign closer to the average male. but after reading all of this, there are two things i worry about. they mention alot about urinary tract mishaps in most of the ops, and two, how much she would do all of that. i know shed get rid of her chest. but maybe shes only bisexual. so until she knows who she truely is...its too risky...i just didnt realise this is what everyone, at least ftms, went through to be able to live with themselves. the mtf seems easier for some reason though. eh......i woke up again this morning when everyone was knocked out for once. alex was still dressed from wherever he went the other day which bothered me because he doesnt do that unless hes sick or upset...given. i took care of that before i did anything else. taking his shoes off were easy, but getting him out of his button up and jeans were harder. only harder because he was difficult to work with laying down..would have been easier if he sat up >.>...i jogged downstairs to feed kittie before he ate something inedible. it was all so strange. i threw on some sweats and a tshirt, and a spare pair of tennies, and a trusty hairtie. and, i went jogging at 5ish am. i jogged all the way down to the stores, and turned on douglas st heading towards piggly wiggly and some houses. i went into the gas station nearby to get a water for my trip back. i got to chatting with the guy running the counter, ron. he asked me where i was running from, told him, he said it was a bit far, i asked for a gold medal, he gave me free ciggies, bought my water, and gave me a smile. he was really nice. he wasnt having such a good morning because he worked the night shift, but i told him to keep his head up, that id probably see him around again, and my thanks for the water...jogging back seemed to have taken so much longer, until i got there and found out it took lots less because i ran faster. everyone was also up and runing to get ready for work, well, mostly pops and elle. while i was talking with elle, she was telling me about how theyd be running late because he was going to work at another hospital, and how she was helping some woman with he sisters wedding. i just nodded my head and smiled, having no idea what she was saying most of the time. as soon as they left i got more clothes to take a shower. idunno what hit me, but the hot water was amazing. i just hugged the tile. i got out, and went to bed, and i even put a bigger chair in front of the door. no need for the parents to walk in with me in my skibbies...and i slept all day, so i didnt get time to think much on anything important. or when i was jogging, or taking a shower...but thats ok...i guess everyone needs a break once in awhile....
270903
...it rained the other day, and not many were home yesterday either. contradictory to what i said previously about not being too fond of being alone, i take the entire subject back. i whole-heartily welcome it now. alexes father is becoming more distanced from me the more i attempt to get close to him. i wouldnt doubt if he knew something i couldnt dust under a rug, but in any case, i would expect him to at least be the man men claim to be in matters such as this, and tell it to my face. i do know however, that he still holds a grudge against me for when i had slept with alex before, when i was really sick. that whole arguement itself created a crack in their relationship, because of me. they wear some fantastic masks though. i believe, his father having to come to terms with his overall situation is making him really angry, since his son was so obviously perfect before i came into the picture. im a large threat to the entire family it seems now. even though this is all my direct opinion, its a just one considering what i have thought of. i mean...they have housed me, fed me[minus all of the money i put in from commissions], paid for my bill at the institution, paid for my medications. they have done a great deal of things im having trouble paying back. elle wont let me help with the house at all, pops wont allow me to go find a job so i can pay him back. and even with the facade they give me, i know in their minds they want me to repay them, especially after alex. at this point, i have decided ill move in with matt and crash there. matt was able to move out of the rosses and his house and into another apartment on his own, so itll be both convenient and quiet because matt will be working everyday, and i wont put a damper on his bills, since i will probably get a part time job to help out, aside from my commissions, and i can clean up the apartment in return and the like. so itll then be mutual. the only problem i will have then, is being able to take care of alex like i have trying to do here, which isnt going anywhere beneficial, because he only gets worse when i talk about it. the other problems i will have will do with my health. i wont have the ability to go to the doctor as much, and maybe even have to cut back on a medication. i should be fine though. and if not, thats life...i wish i didnt feel like i have to go, but i cant help it when the things i witness and am a part of are going sour. such as pops. when i went to bed on thursday, alex woke me up to talk. then we didnt talk and he told me to get dressed, so i got dressed, and then i couldnt find him and went outside, and we went for a really long drive. it wasnt even morning or close to it, maybe 2am...he didnt even talk to me when we were walking, not even when i asked where we were going. i started falling asleep soon and made me a cozy bed out of the seat and my blue buttonup. but then, even as i did that, he chose to talk a bit. he apologised for snatching me out of my sleep and for not deciding where we were going to go. after about an hour or so, we werent in any part of the big city or subs, it was like we were driving out towards tybee a little. he finally pulled up into a motel and we got up, and i was really upset by then. i threw the 'why the hell are we here', 'you brought me here for...', 'whats wrong', 'whats wrong with you', and a good bit more at him. he was honestly shocked. he went on to detail everything i asked, adding he didnt like not being able to sleep in the same bed as me or talk to me as freely as he wanted, because of his uptight dad. that he didnt like having to hear when i wasnt there how his dad didnt like this or that about me...he just wanted to be alone with me. i spent the next few hours 'sleeping' with him before we were even able to settle down and just talk to one another. he seemed fine, a whole lot better than what he was in fact, and maybe that was because he wasnt at home, or it was less tension, but he was happy. his whole face was lighted up, his movements were genuine, it was him being true to him. that alone made me happy to see. we took a shower awhile after that, and he talked even more to me than before about everything and anything he was thinking, like he used to, and as he became more alive...i couldnt help sinking back and away on the inside, wie ich felt myself go numb...the water that was so warm, turned so cold against my skin...he touched my face and everything swayed, slurred and even faded in and out at the same time. when i shook my head it only got worse. i grabbed his shoulder and slumped against him in an effort to stay vertical. he took me out of the shower and wrapped me in a towel, laying me down on the floor. he wanted to call someone, so i reached up and grabbed his forarm, telling him it was really ok. i had neglected to tell him i had been overly exerting myself lately, what with running in the morning[s], staying up late to paint, and now the sex with him...i was only tired. he took my word and we layed in bed for awhile until i could say officially i would be fine from there...i only wish i would have brought my meds that morning, but then i only thought i was going to talk with him at the house. we dressed, him talking about his dad...all i did was listen, because i didnt want to taint his perspective then. we drove around until we found a diner/wafflehouse, und had breakfast. he was excited and mentioned how he wanted to see about getting another apartment with me somewhere around town or maybe even in jax, then his eyes got wider and he mentioned seattle and germany. so its all on a maybe status right now, because he wanted to go home and talk with his parents about how they were treating me and him currently. he didnt like that a good bit either...i stayed quiet so he could talk, and mostly because i was busy eating and didnt want to do those two simultaneously. he had paused though...he leaned in and kissed my jaw and told me he loved me, again, and that he loved me even more that day. very soon afterwards i heard faint commotion at the bar-dining area, and this older woman was tlaking to another older woman, one worked there, the other didnt. a guy even started to get up, until another pulled him back into his seat. i dont think alex heard or noticed any of it, because he was paying too much attention to me, even though he was sitting on the outside...the drive back home i dont remember at all, because i had kissed alex and climbed in the backseat to nap. when we got home it was around noon, and we found a note on the kitchen counter that said 'alex - need to talk. call cell', and that was clearly from his dad since his mum didnt have one. alex made a face when they were talking, and we were to drive over to the hospital for lunch. well alex was supposed to go alone. i only went because he wanted me to go really bad, even though i said i wanted to stay away from hospitals the best i could. when we got there he made a deal with me and let me nap on the minnie sofas outside. i woke up awhile later to them yelling at each other on the other side of the wall. and alex was in one of his panic stricken yelling moments it semed. and if i went in, his dad would probably freak out at me even being there, even if alex mentioned i was, and alex would attack his dad if his dad verbally yelled at me...so...i stood up shaken and began searching for a sodapop machine and maybe a snack too. i found out it was around the corner at the end of the hall, which is further than i would have liked in case he came looking for me. when i came back alex was waiting on where i had been waiting, with his dads door cracked open...his dad came home and went to bed, and elle upset, watched the tele with me, and alex stayed gone until late in the night when he woke me up and slept on the sofa with me. we woke up later and went to bed upstairs in his room with the dresser in front of it. hes still asleep even now...i hope we get through this...

i have chased the shadows
from your eyes
pulled down the night-time's
shuttered blinds
i have pulled the daydreams
from my grave
exorcised the angels'
sighing praise
i have drawn the noose
around my neck
swallowed razor pills
of bitterness
but this echo of you rings on.
280903
today...has been nothing but hell. i woke up to pops and alex yelling at each other, and elle trying to keep them quiet, even though this was all right outside the door...alex was crying and coughing on flem...elle was saying 'michaels sleeping!'...and i heard...so many derogatory words come from his dads mouth...alex was telling his dad to shut up, and his dad kept saying 'fag lover', 'how bad do you want to die'...i heard him faintly like a curse, say all i wanted was to get in someones pants...i never thought his father could be so cruel. elle was trying so hard to defend me...trying to defend alex......i cant believe i made them fight that bad...all of a sudden i couldnt be there anymore, or else i would probably burst, so...i got out of bed, grabbing some jeans...when his dads deep voice threw out a no, i felt the salt on my lips...and somehow hated myself for ever being welcomed there...i slipped into my pants and into my favourite green shirt...i pushed all of my medication into my artbag, stuffed an overshirt into my bag...i almost freaked when i couldnt find my shoes, then found them under the bed...the only way i could get out was through the window, by jumping down...the more i got done, the louder they all became...and i was actually scared, because what if his dad would have come in and foudn me getting dressed of all things...i quickly got it together, and got the balls to jump down, rolling over on my back even...while i was taking a few stray leaves out of my hair, i made my way to the front porch to get my skateboard, and i thought i heard something smash, and then a light came on...skateboarding to matts apartment is one of the more sillier things ive gone out and done, considering i went the longer way, and that it was further than i jogged sometimes...but i got there nonetheless. he was already up by the time i got there, and had said elle had called looking for me, and he said i wasnt there. matt called back and said id be over in the morning to talk. matt was already upset before he called, because i told him what pops had said. he fixed us some coffee and english muffins too...i think after all the time ive known matt, he understands me more than most people...so, when he offered for me and alex to stay with him, i took it in a heart beat and hugged the hell out of him. he smiled alot and ruffled my hair when we got up to go crash. im greatful matt isnt weirded out by most people, and that he still cares about me enough to let me sleep in his bed without having to expect something odd, like he gets from his girlfriends...thats something else i found out while i was trying to doze off, and i couldnt help getting out of my head, due to matt being the occassional perve...he said hed stick to girls for awhile. he told me that that one night with me and alex was special and stuff, but that girls had that funny little giggle he liked...i didnt ask in fear of laughing though...although even though he said all of what he said, he added that hed do it again if he ever had the opportunity...matts got a good heart......i woke up this morning and matt and alex were talking in the kitchen/livingroom, and they seemed in good spirits. when i came out of the room alex looked so despondent with his coffee, and his half ass smile...it was beautiful, but it was also so sad. i went to the bathroom, and when i came out, matt threw another muffin at my head, which left we wide eyed, big mouthed and speechless. which didnt last for long when he started up with something pervish, which i only half heard. im beginnign to wonder how deprived he is lately...we ended up not going over there today, but we did go out to the mall and they dragged me all over, threatening to put me in victories secrets clothing...assholes...we did go back to the parents house later on, and even they were gone somehow...so, once again...me and alex went back upstairs to go to bed, putting the dresser in front of it...im not sure whether he always did that so they wouldnt know i was in there, which is foolish...or if he did it, just so he could get me out of my shirt and pants to sleep...i think ill go back to bed now before the parents decide to come home...
290903 - morning
im glad i woke up when the parents were gone. it makes waking up without a headache a great joy...kittie even took the liberty of clawing my back to wake me up, so kind of him...fucker. my bigger problem was getting the dresser moved, considering it took both of us to move it in the first place. and why does he even have such a large dresser? anyway...i didnt realise until i got downstairs, how cold it was. and i really didnt notice for no other reason, other than i wasnt wearing a shirt. but it is cold and windy outside, so thats nice at least...i chopped some spam up for kittie, and he seemed to have liked that alot. matt gave me some spare english muffins, so i fixed those too with some coffee. its been a real nice morning so far, with the occassional loud bird chirps. you can almost hear the trees, the silence, and the wind whisper...its perfect. the fact that i can run around without a shirt the rest of the morning makes it even better, because usually i have to wear a tshirt or something because of elle or pops or someone else. since its monday, everyone will be at work or school. i even had the guts to venture outside and sit on the bench with a blanket for awhile. alex came out after awhile, stretching and rubbing his chest. he looked so cute, like a little kid even when they just wake up. his smile, his 'goodmorning' were so wonderful, that i even smiled. we sat for maybe fifteen minutes in silence, just looking around, him fiddling with one of my hands...i almost spilled the rest of my coffee when he started kissing my fingers saying 'one little piggy...', he was being a dork, and it was great. and i went back to sip from my mug, and all i heard was a gut wrenching 'hi mrs cazoney!'...i stared at him like he was fucking insane, and all he made was a 'tehe' face and this weird eye movement. i leaned in and said 'she was staring, so i thought id make the best of it'. i asked him what him and his dad had been fighting about exactly, and he went quiet for a few moments, and then said that his dad was really disappointed in him because he chose to stay with me. his dad wanted him to do a pity party kind of deal once he heard again, that i had been intimate with him. his dad only knew, because alex came home with me in the morning that one day, and we went to the hospital to see his dad and talk. his dad told him, that he must have some kind of deathwish to be doing things with me. and alex told his dad, that even though he loved his family...hed rather go out if i wasnt here anymore. pops went far enough to blame most things on me, why im sick is my fault, why my family doesnt want to talk to me is because im sick, that i take advantage of alex because im sick. he defended me with those accusations, and i felt warm. because even i knew none of that was true. when his dad blamed me for making alex do things, alex shocked...the living hell out of his dad. alex even told him weve been acting like dogs in heat for the last couple of weeks when no one was home and when i first got here. that nearly gave his dad a heart attack form what i heard. pops almost kicked him out if it wasnt for elle. elle was upset with pops, major. i know how his parents feel, and i can understand why they dont want us doing anythign together, to be celibate, but then, elle understood even more why we did. im not all alex has, of course, but...i dont think he could live if i wasnt here, i believe him. hes worked too hard, put too much energy in making thigns work, in taking care of me even. and if he were to die, i would go ahead and kill myself...the world may go on, but i dont have the heart to sit through the same thing twice.its...special. alex aparently sat down with his mum for breakfast this morning and told her that we were going to move out and maybe in with matt. his mum was sad, but she said we were always welcomed and that she loved him terribly so......he dragged me inside after that, because he said my features were turning blue-ish purple...we came in and watched random things on the tele, like garfield and some of frasier[a rerun]. the frasier was when frasier has accidently thrown his dads favourite chair out the window. it was pretty good...im not sure why we did what we did next or how, but we ended up kissing, quite alot. it was great and all, but i couldnt help feeling guilty at first because his dad had just basically said were both a disgrace to him...i got rid of that feeling though, as soon as his uncle walked in on us, then i was only embarrassed as all hell. his uncle cant be more than 34-ish, and he didnt seem to give a damn at all, all he did ask was if he had just walked in on some form of male erotica. i buried my head in the corner of the couch and waited until hell froze over...which didnt happen, since i was pulled up and we all sat down and talked. his dad had sent his uncle over to 'check up' on us. and his uncle was being a tease! 'gee, should i tell your father?' and he was smiling! the crook! sigh...he promised he wouldnt, as long as we fixed him something to eat, which were doing now as hes making alex laugh in the kitchen and stuff. i guess ill go in and fix some pancakes. im really hungry and all...i think ill skip taking my meds today, its too nice to take them i think...
300903 - evening
i really, really should have taken at least one of my meds. i am officially sick...god. the least i could have done is taken an ibprufen[sp] or the xanax[sp]...both too far to reach...too lazy yo go get the bottles just for this silly thing. ahh...sigh...i got to watch the brats tonight, since their parents wanted to go out to eat, and alexes parents went with them, and alex says im better with kids...i think lifes setting me up to hurt someone...joking. i let them wreak havoc on everything in the house, i gave them all my fruit, all my snacks, i gave them all my juice...dammat. my ribs hurt bad...i played with playdoh with the younger one, nikki i think. im glad its nontoxic, because she ate it...then she made me eat it...then i had blue oddness in my teeth...a reminder in the future to myself, dont chew the playdoh. it made her laugh like there was no tomorrow, so at least there was an upside. we also sat down and played spyro the dragon. she lovecd that. i gave into michelle and let her hang on my back and play with my hair...which is now a funky and rat mess from her putting knots in it...yes, i think ive gotten a bit vain about my hair...maybe shes just jealous hers isnt that untangled and not in some perm. i finally got up at one point to get my squirt gun, and began mercilessly squirting michelle in the rump when she annoyed me...which only made it all worse, because i guess that was a come on for her. damn every generation after me. maybe if i was a hardass babysitter they wouldnt like me but thats just mean. right now im just waiting for friends to come on the tele, then will&grace. maybe the older one will take a hint when she sees the latter. i dont know who couldnt. i cant wait for frasier and w&gs new shows! jack and will are supposed to accidently get in bed with each other, and frasiers gone homo with 'jean luke pacard'! oh yeaaahhh. some 'fine guys' and an old handsome guy, nice. or theres a new show called its all relative coming on soon too. hahaha 'youre just going to gay up everything arent you!?!?!' haha...im almost delighted at the fact americas now turning all the good shows gay. even ellen degeneres has her own show. mad props. i remember a time when all i wanted was to be accepted among so many that hated me for that one small thing, because i had romance and variosu things with guys. and now, to see american tele shows slowing shifting gears and welcoming it...it could be cryable, at least teary eyed. its one of those things that makes me want to hold onto alex forever and say over and over, 'i cant believe it', or 'is this real', or are they pulling my leg...i feel like jody foster in contact, when she reaches out to touch the universe, because its so beautiful...i guess america can be beautiful too......i was going to email josh before friends came on, but idunno...i know it would be a nice thing to do, and whatnot...but...what am i going to tell him? i have nothing to say. he knows alexes familys going to hell in a handbasket due to me, that alex is sick but getting better...i could tell him how i feel on the inside truely, how i can feel all the same feelings i felt when i first moved in with alex, like bile in the pit of my abdomen...that i feel like curling in a ball crying my eyes out, because i have to fight to retain every once of love in my heart for anything...i cant begin to describe any emotion i have of alex to him, and why should i? i feel so melancholy...lingering on the borders of convulsing fear...fuck i need a ciggie...but i cant, im sick...i shouldnt even be aroudn the kids. oh well...i think one good thing i accomplished today was, i finished five commissions, and got some money...my ribs hurt...
300903 - evening two
dammat...i depend on a tele show to rot a kid, and it doesnt even try! bahhh...-looks at mugs bottom- funky stuff o.0...friends wasnt even that good...im disappointed dammat. sigh...hell and highwater. at least they were moderately quiet while watching it all. but, no one came to pick them up and elle and pops arent back either, and its around past close for most restaurants. im wondering where they went to now. like the good sitter i am, i did open a spare room and toss the brats in there, tucked them in, got an extra blanket, etc. i even went out on a limb and gave them some stuffies to snuggle with...right now im a little peeved that alex isnt here, or in fact, wasnt here to help me out, because i was nearly attacked and chased to death when they were first here. i cant even let the little one hug me, because she wont let go after that. she just ran up, and pretty much clung to my leg like glue. shes not even taller than my hip! they keep getting shorter o.o......i have enough caffiene in me to take down a mad cow. i dont think i can stay awake until everyone else gets here, and i certainly cant go to bed because of the kids. and i cant crash on the floor in the spare room i dumped them in, because pops will kill me. argh...speaking of killing...michelle grabbed kitties tail when he was in my lap, and yanked it, and i got nailed. i almsot bitched slapped her for antagonising kittie alone. i swear, at this point, i wish nothing more than to rip her intestines out of her ass...that and i wish i had some english muffins...fucking hungry. here comes nikki, up for some reason. the dark. she can read, haha, and goes 'oo' at the cuss words. cute. id type in german if i knew how to not butcher it. i should take a class for it so i can learn how to spell correctly and use my grammar right in writing. but that costs money, and its not like it matters. as long as janis and ollie can tell what im writing in english when theyre drunk, everythings fine. pottie break. relief...i think whenever alex decides to show up ill draw him tonight. he barely moves, so that would be great. plus i want to see how well i can capture the moment, since i havent drawn real people in awhile. plus, chaing what i draw once in awhile changes it eventually, so itll be a win win situation. id draw nikki, but shes too hyper and not static......hmm...
defiance is beautiful. the defiance of power, especially great or overwhelming power, exalts and glorifies the rebel [unknown]
and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music [friedrich nietzsche]
i do my thing, and you do your thing. i am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. you are you, and i am i, and if by chance we find each other, itís beautiful [frederick e. perl]
the sadness goes on - [van goghs dying words]
there are no t-shirts that can capture our screams - [patrick jones]
believe in voice, your vision, your words and fuck convention - [patrick jones]
don't do anything by half. if you love someone, love them. if you hate someone, hate them until it hurts. [henry rollins]
even damnation is poisoned with rainbows [leonard cohen]
i am looking for someone who can take as much as i give, give back as much as i need, and still have the will to live. [indigo girls]
you're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend. [rich jeni on going to war over religion]
people who live happily ever after are into some serious denial. [daria]
once you are real, you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand. [the velveteen rabbit]

i love the velveteen rabbit...screw the rest of them, im going to bed...
010903 - night
ugh...i feel like im dying, in the most unhumourous way i mean that. i lost my voice for the most part, or rather, i cant talk for a long time. the kids when they came over seemed to have gotten a kick out of that, except nikki was sad i couldnt laugh with her. im -gags-, im glad alex went out and bought me some halls cough drops, i probably would ahve been spitting up blood from my throat if he hadnt. god theyre horrid...the kids came over around 5 for some reason i never found out, and i couldnt take care of them with even one hand. i remember i was standing up getting some juice for nikki, and i dropped the carton and it went everywhere. i was so dizzy. i had to refrain nikki from licking the tiles clean. she didnt seem to care that much. elle took over for me after that to watch them, and im thankful. i made it upstairs and i crashed on my bed after getting my shirt off, it was too hot then. i fell asleep instantly, and it seemed like five minutes went by, which was probably more, then that nikki was pulling on my arm for me to wake up. i thought something was wrong and all she asked was if i would come play. she looked so sad too, and that made me sad, but i told her i couldnt, that i was sick too, since i ahd gotten ehr sick as well. shes not as sick, so thats good, but shes sneezing a little and rubbing her noise often. she said michelle was being mean to her too, so i asked her if she wanted to take a nap with me, and she climbed up on the bed, i gave her my teddybear, and we napped. i got up and got on her around then and i loaded up msn, which took forever to download, and as soon as i signed on, some insane girl im-ed me calling me a liar and said shed call the cops, and i though 'what the fuck did i do now', i checked, i did NOTHING. then i realised, hey, michael, its one of those girls...and then nat came on, but i didnt know it was nat until halfway through the convo. i could barely remember her, nor why we had fought, and she wouldnt tell me, so i had said screw it, bygones go bygones, and we chit chatted. the former gave me a headache, and i hope her boob falls off...i was waiting for josh to get off his lazy perfectionist ass and talk to me, or at least ann, but theyre both probably busy, so screw it. so now, im going to bed...
030903 - the h/w that wasnt mine
no thesaurus, no dictionary. i hope she fails. and i must remind myself for the day when i correct this paper from being a rough draft, that i was ill and near killing someone from a headache


There was a primal goal that could be found in anything he ever attempted. Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish his dreams from reality, for they seemed so similiar. In those preternatural moments, it took violence to shake him from his apprehensive blackhole he had been sucked into. He could not help feeling anything but disdain for what almost always made him lose control, what always left him feeling lethargic.


He knew he could never be quite like Galahad; too much had been seen, too many bitter-sweet goodbyes he had made to the world kept that form of humanity out of sight. Even Alexander the Great could not obtain what the former could. The only thing he could ever be, is a man dressed in sables, praying to the incubus that had layed waste to his mind like it may have once done to the indefatigable Senecas. Remembering that alone meant he would never be out of tune with his sea of troubles.


Still, not a day passed that he had not already tried to transpose his life back to some form of a jocund state. His solemnity wouldn't allow it. Its transcendence was as common as true happiness, and that itself was not very credible. The only empathy he could not refute occurred when raindrops would hit his face and tickle his ears, whispering to him how much his despair doubled their own. His only option was madness during that previously and exceedingly harsh realisation, as his punishment could only be for the clarity of his thoughts.


When truth came to truth, standing was more tiresome than walking, even breathing was a deep pain he felt to the depths of his soul. Everytime he came close to emulating his fears, he would scourge himself until he either wept or remembered the rapture of life that was so far away, and that the stars did indeed burn his eyes. Life, however, continued to bemuse him nonetheless. Even the tumultuousness that was found surrounding him could not destroy the frigid tears on his cheeks nor his bitter resentment of everyones ability of shear ignorance. Sometimes those things made him want to sleep forever...


Lastly it can be said, that when he was found among so many deceased, only the willow trees could hear him faintly utter, "Jove!", as if He Himself would come dashing from the stars to save him. He resolved himself, after so long a time since that visit to the dead, to fingering the ankh around his neck, which in doing so he found enlightenment. In the end he came upon the most acquiescent way that he could possibly indulge his curiousity, which would fix his languor and find complacency for himself, by giving the world an answer, what the world really needed: more space.




...the hardest part of having so much time on your hands, is trying to find out what to do with it. and it hurts because i have to think, i have to remember, and i have to dream all at once, without so much as falling down from my pedestal, that everyone seems to have placed me on. and im scared, that they dont know enough right now to help me move along from this static i have been pushed into. im not moving on like i should, i may even be stepping back into what i dont want to repeat.i know its all familiar and its home and for the longest time its all i knew. i could live with it then. last night i came very near doubting my abilities to restrain myself from harm, and i hadnt been there for over a month, and before that two months almost. i dont want to ever do that again, i dont want to feel the physical pain or the emotional pain, i dont want to have to worry about people knowing, i dont want to have to make excuses to get by. i have the ability to accept ill die one day, and ill die sooner than most. i can deal with that, even though that hurts too. i dont like being sick or pitied for being sick, i dont like feeling so incapable of movement or normal things. i know i can get better, i am getting better. for the first time in forever, i have muscles, small muscles, but i can walk and jog and play sports, i can breathe without pain. i gained weight, and i cried. people dont realise how hard that is for me anymore. im so relieved by that, and this week alone ive gained a little bit more weight. anyway...his family is bringing me down. i know family has problems and they get fixed, but not when its about me, and when its lies. its ridiculous. and speaking of families, im wholesomely willing to reconnect with mine, no matter how much they have done against me. a week or so ago me, elle, and my mum went out for lunch, and she glowed. i love her so much. i love the prospect of talking with her, of getting back to having that closeness, that ability to confirm, my mum still loves me. i may not talk about her much or see her much, but i think of her all the time. like a little buzzing sound. my dad stopped drinking, my mum even got him to venture out to a restaurant where same sex couples frequent. he was still upset, but he didnt hurt anyone. before, he would have, he would have so kicked someones ass. mum told me he even asked questions about me, how i was doing and all. he asked questions of 'this fag thing', and i know its hard for him, but hes trying, for me. i think after he saw how my mum almost died, when i tried to die, he remembered how much he loved her. even theyre working out problems. hes not working all the time or always gone, neither is she. thats a big difference from when i was younger. im proud of them both. i hope one day, and maybe nto soon, my dad will let me hug him and let me tell him how much i love him. if i could do that, i could forget everything, i could forgive completely. my mum talked to me privately when elle went to the restroom, and she said she told him all of my problems after she had gone back home from seeing me. he had called me a stupid fuck, and then he asked if i was ok. she had taken pictures at the time, and she got them developed, and he saw me for the first time in awhile. that was when i went up later and i told him to go to hell. at that time i was ghostly and ghastly, and i had to wear lots of clothing to give me bulk. she said he didnt recognise me in the pictures or when i visited. so much time lost...i want to start fresh, but i need alexes family to grow up. everyone loves me in his family except his dad right now. they love my manners, my responsibility, my civility[sp]/chivalry, how well i treat people and interact, how i can get along with every kid ive met, that i have morals i stick to even if theyre not theirs, that i love alex...i love alex, and thats why they like me. i hope ill be able to grow soon and push my bounderies. im slowly learning to talk to everyone, even about the smallest thing that means nothing, i can go out in public and be fine without worrying. this is all great, but i have emotional issues tying me down, and for once, its really not my fault at all...im learning to wake up and go, wow, i slept well, i feel good, im happy, im hungry! instead of will they know, whos here, what did i do, im tired, i hate me. instead of rolling over and expecting to have to do somethng i dont want to do, i roll over and find out theres really a person there who doesnt expect anything, that they were smiling because, i woke up. that means so much. i love having this small boost of confidence of trust. yesterday when i was so confused and lost, i stepped outside, and it was still cold to me, and the leaves were shedding, some were still green, and even thought i felt alone in the world and vulnerable, i smiled, i real genuine full blown smile. and i remembered it was ok to do everything i do, it was ok for me to say hello and mean it, that i was normal among the people walking or tending their lawns or driving by..there is no normal, but the ability to feel at ease, thats normal. i have hope for the future, in everything that plagued me before. i remember a few days ago i was talking to joshua about laws. i dont think he grasped what i meant at all, or even what i implied. i hate relating anything i do to my lifestyle, but its a big part of what i have to fix. and awhile back, i found out they were petitioning for marriage, all across the nation. i have hope for that, and even if it fails, i know other countries will prove their maturity. people are starting to care. i copied the addy and i took a flyer off their page, and i copied it and pasted it around st.louis, and i put some up around here too. with all that i believe in, if there is any chance in hell of it working, please let it come through. not everyone wants to get married, but i would gain respect for people if that happened. i gain respect for people becoming informed or a vegetarian, or anything...buddha i ramble...i know why i came on actually. because everyone is always gone, im finding more time with alex to explore thoughts and think and develope a better relationship, since well, i guess im still a newbie at it all. today, we cut off the phones, we locked the doors, we turned off all the electronics, and instead of having all these things multiply in my head, everything was so clear. i wonder if it was that clear to him. the room wasnt so angry anymore, it was like floating in water...we layed on the sofa together, since its big if i havent ever said that, i dont think ive ever described that room since i first saw it. when you come in from the front door, you turn in from the hall to the left, and its big. the teles and all the gadgets are on the left wall, and at the end of that wall theres a slender, long window, and the wall you face is bigger than the two slender windows, really big, with these curtains, its really pretty. facing that window theres a couch and then to the right is the really big couch. theres a huge table in the middle of them and a small on the outside. but yeah, the reason i mentioned where things were, was because of how the sunlight comes in the room, it keeps it low key but light enough to see. inside the room you can feel the weather outside, you can tell how it is, because its a little bit warmer, it makes you want to snuggle into the sofa. we had been talking about his family, and i told him what i mentioned previously in here, and that opened a door i didnt think was there. he hadnt stopped to realise about me, even though i seemed calm and put together. sometime, a long time after i had been watching the light through the window and the trees, he asked me...as if he were sighing in a soft dejection, no, questioning and doubting, and hurting to know...he asked me 'do you think well make it'...and i didnt ask what exactly, or how, or why...i wanted to say i hope so, but it didnt mean that much to me...i dont think he meant 'are we staying together', or stuff...but that...are we still going to be able to live and be happy when this is over...if well survive ourselves and them...he asked me if i thought i could make it that long. he looped an arm under mine and across my chest, got real close to me and said he loved me. i had put a lip to him knuckle and said the same, still staring out at the window.i began dozing off and losing focus, and right when i knew i was about to go to sleep, he asked me if i would make him sick too. my eyes shot wide and i fell off, banging my knee. i started to yell wth at him and he put his hand over my mouth and asked again. he must have gone fucking insane in two months, 3 months, 5 months...i told him i would never do that, that i wanted him to live hsi life to the fullest he could. and he got soooo upset. he left me on the floor, in the living room, alone. he doesnt realise what happens or what he wants. hes asking for too much, and im refusing it. if i ever say fuck off and die to anything, itll be that. i get faintly sick just from me acting like a bunny. it definitely doesnt help me stay healthy. i dont know anymore...i think ill go outside and take a nap in the swing in the backyard. ill be out of anyones way if they come home and away from alex so he wont be upset anymore at the time...i know i said the right thing, even if it wasnt perfectly said...
040903 - morning
fuckintastic. buddha...im so upset i dont even know where to begin. this is SO fucked up...i was sleeping, in alexes room, in the chair, fully clothed, even overclothed, AND DOING NOTHING WRONG. pops came in and shook me awake, hard. i went wide eyed because, hey, maybe the house was on fire?!, but no, OF COURSE NOT. he made me go downstairs to talk. and we talked. everything he ever said behind my back he told me, and anything he ever said about me to alex or elle, he told me. why did he tell me if i obviously knew? WELL I KNOW. he asked me to leave, for good, and to do it or else, and to do it if i LOVED alex, and if i LOVED alex, id stay away. and because i was in a fit of rage about to burst, and on the edge of crying like a whore, i said fine. i said fine, finefinefinefine...at 2am, i got together all the clothes i could find, i got my art supplies that would FIT in my bag, and anything that looked important. i am so FUCKING STUPID...i asked if i could call matt to pick me up. and he said no. i asked why, and he said matt was alexes friend, this and that, blahblah, NO. so, i asked if i could call someone that doesnt talk to alex, and he said OF COURSE. he left the room, so i called my mum. she was pissed, worried, ask if HE HIT ME, then said shed be right over. and i know i told alex 'i promise i wont go back to my mums until my dads completely sane', BUT FUCK HIM. he said hed get off his ass and talk to his dad and wed leave this weekend. no, he didnt even mention it to his dad. no offense completely, but fuck his family, no, fuck his dad. i have never said anything mean to that man in my life. at least i waited to do something stupid until they were at work. and it wasnt my fault in the first place...im tired of being a toy...alex wouldnt look for me at my parents, he avoids it too much...my mum came over with her car, i threw all of my things in the car, ran in and got my paintings and commissions and put them in her trunk. she went to talk to pops and he closed the front door, and she almost went ballistic on that if i hadnt had run to catch her. she gets pissed when people do thsoe sort of things. we drove over home, and i guess she wouldnt talk to me because i had my head out the window and looked asleep, even though i was far from it. when we got there, she helped me unload my things into my old room...and it was scary...but when i stepped in the room...it was like nothing had changed. she told me my dad had wanted to use the room for something i long time ago, but she wouldnt let him...and i felt a little better, that my mum, kept my room. my bed was still on the floor, sheets were gone though, my desk was still there, except it was dusty and some of the things were knocked off. there were still school papers lying around on the floor, my lamp was knocked over...i had a book right next to my bed, and it was 'hard wired'. my closet still has some clothes in it, jeans on the floor, a beanie, some boxes...and i know one box had mutilating things in it...and my window was still covered...i turned around and hugged my mum and she said 'welcome home'. i sat down on my bed and shrugged my art bag off...i hadnt noticed the little sticky notes on my desk. i dont remember having them. there was a picture of kittie...and i forgot kittie...dammat, ill get him later...there was a ticket from a movie with the name luke on it...there was a sticky note that said 'history test friday[underlined]', 'call angie', 'call coleen', 'new cd tomorrow!', and then some of them were on the ground...like...'talk to family'...i was supposed to talk to them that weekend about not being straight...when we were supposed to go out to dinner because my mum had gotten a raise...i pulled the box down with all my 'tools' in it and i forgot how much i had...bandages, bandage tape, a syringe, 4 fresh packs of razor blades, bandaids, a brand new box cutter, a brand new and a used xacto knife, paper towels...neosporen, alcohol, qtips......i pushed the box away, and i rooted in my pants for thigns that may have been in my pcokets...i found alot of numbers from guys, a few girls, a review w/s, gum...i found a tattered photo of chris...hes just laying down in the grass smiling......i took all of the things out of a pair of the jeans, and tried them on...they were a bit big, and they smelled like theyve been in my closet for awhile, which makes sense...since they were...i cant believe everything was still in my room...all i needed was my puter and it would be the same thing...i didnt see my dad when i came in the house, and i wanted to talk to him, but i think after me intruding in his house to say im back, was enough already...it was really cold in my room too...i went to the linen closet and got some sheets to literally throw on my bed. at least things so far hadnt been changed around. i went to bed after that, and slept a few hrs. i got up around 6ish, and stumbled to the loo, then i came back and slipped on a shirt and went into the kitchen to fix some breakfast. like a good chef, i tucked my hair behind my ears, even though it fought with me and fell out, and i washed my hands and made eggs, sausage/bratwursts, grits, toast and whatnot. my dad came in while i was fighting with the sausage, and he got something from the fridge, and made some coffee...he was always far away from me, and then he came up to me and grabbed my arm, not roughly, andhe ran a thumb over a wad of scars, and he asked what smelt so good awhile after...my mum came in and asked me in german if everything was ok, and i told her so my dad could understand, that i was making breakfast, but i dont think she heard me, since she made a beeline for the laundry room. she ran off to take a shower and he asked me what she asked, and i told him, he went oh...he said thanks for fixing breakfast as i was throwing it on plates. we sat down and ate. he said 'so your not fucking that guy anymore?', and i almost choked on my grits. hearing my dad talk about it, and then even inquire...its bogus...and i looked upi and he had this disdainful look, and i almost didnt answer him, but mum did when she came back, and said there was a problem with the 'boys dad'. they talked about that some, and then i finally asked if they wouldnt anymore, and if they wouldnt say where i was if they called. mum left in a hurry to get to the doctors office, she had to go see if she was going to have a baby, since she had a miscarriage...my dad, however, didnt leave...he actually stayed home. i washed the dishes and pans, and i asked him if i could borrow his car to go get kittie from the rosses, but he wanted to tag along. i told him if he went he had to stay in the car, and try not to show his face, so he put his palms up. i went and got a pair of faded jeans and my boots, and put on my funky deepblue longsleeve shirt, and i met him out at the car. it took me a minute to get the keys because he was being an ass about it, plus i had some trouble finding my id in my pockets. on our way over i told him i need to go get my meds too and grab my skateboard. he asked what meds i was taking and what for. apparently my mum neglected to tell him i had serious hiv, instead of just joking with him about it. i think he almost laughed too. i slammed the breaks and turned to him with a serious face, and told him i wasnt yanking his chain and that if he was going to be a dick and fuck with me over it, i would just leave the house and he could explain to mum why i left, and then shed get violent with him and maybe leave too. by the time he got over being annoyed and said ok i had cars honking at me. i flagged them off and drove. when i DID get to the rosses, alex was still asleep, so that was good. elle though, was home. she asked why i hated alex, why i left him, what did they do wrong...im guessing pops filled her head up. i told her the truth and she was pissed afterwards. i told her when her family was fixed to call matt, and ill check in with him that way, and to not tell i was here. then she said she had to tell him, because he woke up upset and went looking for me. so...i climbed the stairs and he was curled in bed, shoes still on and all. so i took those off of him and pulled the blanket up, kissed his forhead and left the house. i had to run back in and grab my meds, then i left...and now im here at home in the living room...but i think ill go see if dad wants to have lunch somewhere...i needed to do something...

- evening
prostitute - neuroticfish

this is not a noble game
it's also not the price of fame
expect that i may lie
about the things you have to try
you always see me from behind
always think that i am kind
expect that i may see
whatever you have planned for me

when all is sealed and signed
you prostitute your mind
when all is sealed and signed

this is not a noble game
and i am not the one to blame
feel free to conquer me
but what you want i'll never be
the little things you want to know
make me big and make me grow
expect you'll never see
the face behind my decency

when all is sealed and signed
you prostitute your mind
when all is sealed and signed


mmm...industrial...ehm, im so tired of this all. im not about to sit down and take this like some whore anymore, because thats all ive done. i refuse to go back to the rosses until they grow up and get laid. elle called matt repeatedly throughout the day 'make him come back matt, please', then matt called me after so much 'dude, alex wont stop calling. im going to kill one of you fuckers if you dont fix this'-'I DIDNT DO ANYTHING'-'fine, im disconnecting my phone. if you suddenly croak dont expect me to find out unless you come over. seeya'...since all has gone to hell, im going to go out tonight to a club, and maybe ill be smart and ask of the most current one with industrial music or at least some damn ebm. ill get my combat boots nice and pretty in case i want to shove my foot up someones ass. ill dig through all the clothes i brought over for my mesh shirt, and if i have to spend money to go get another one, im going to rant to the sale clerk till hell freezes pigs in fetus juice. maybe danny at hot topic will help me get 'dressed up', thatll be a sight. yes, ill treat myself to conning alcohol from people for being the nice person i am and the violent one too! wait...dannys gonna want to put make up on...dammat...at least me trying to fight with him will be fun. i can test my almighty and unwrathful strength. maybe dannyll go with me! yes, ill ask him out for it. and hes old, so he can buy me alcohol! im in love! kick bum. i cant wait either, so maybe i should go over there now in case the mall closes early. maybe if im lucky danny will have jen and rick there and maybe even jill. soo coool. hmm...yeah, ill go take a quickie and ask to borrow dads car. that remidns me, i had a great lunch with him, even though he at first didnt want to eat the food we ate, but thats aok. i have him hooked on carrot dogs now, which is funny. he liked the room though, because it seemingly was decked out in random things like my clothes. i liked that alot, very indie. we talked alot as well. he told me about what hes been drawing up for people and how much him and mum have been going out and doing things. i suggested us all going bungee jumping then. he REALLY liked that idea. he also told me how this woman was hitting on him at work. he asked me if he should tell sam so she could go kick her ass. i said yes, of course. but only if mum took heavy artillery - eggs. i loved how easy he talked with me, he even tried to stray away from talking about my problems, except he mentioned one when i took off my jacket, and because my sleeves were short. he asked why i would want to go and do that. and i couldnt find the exact words to sum it up, so i told him what i could remember. that ive been doing it for years, five or so, that instead of getting pissed at others or when i was upset with me, i did it, that it was relief, that i was aok when i did it. and what caused it, was everything around me, abuse mainly. and thats emotional mental and physical. and he went dead silent when i said the latter. i swear my dad was going to get teary eyed, then he hissed and moved closer to me with his chair. he opened up to me, my father, the guy who created me, he told me as plain as day, that he was struggling to cope with what 'your kind'[which is nice coming from him], that he wanted to work with me to get over everything hes done to me, and he was choking on his last words, about how sorry he was he beat me 'that day'...he was even touching my lower arm. and he was looking at my face, and my dad didnt always do that...and he had the same eyes i used to have, when i was pleading with someone to get my life over for me. and i was awed...wonderstruck...i dropped my fork and i hugged him, almost knocking him over. and it was a full hug, with both arms squeezing tight. he put one around me and another on my shoulder,...i told him i loved him with my whole heart for once...eventually he said 'i think people are staring' so i let go, and he was grinning. he looked proud of himself, and he should be...although i freaked him out with the hug i think. i asked my dad what bothered him this time around about 'my kind' and he told me not to worry about it, that hed learn for my sake...'because thats not who i want to be'...i am so fucking proud that i think i could actually say thank you to a homophobe without being violent...bigger than the universe proud......i mentioned already that i was going out with some friends and thensome to a club and that i might be late, so he gave me his spare key to the house. he told me to go ahead and take the car to get what i need, so im going to get danny to meet me over here after dressing me up to drop off the car. im to go socially whore around...
050903
im so cold, really cold. i put on a ton of clothes i know, but fuck...i hate to say it, but i feel dead. i think my body wants things i cant really give it anymore, because im better. matt came over today in the morning, and thats when i got off the net. what i didnt know was that alex was tagging along outside. they came in, and it took matt forever to calm me down, another forever to calm alex down, and altogether another forever for alex to explain things and get him off of me. i didnt want to remember what i left. and thats what alex thought, he thought i was leaving him because of his dad. and i wasnt leaving, i was getting away from being hurt. he promised me hed move out and all, and i told him it wouldnt make me budge. that he needed to fix it with his dad. he said fine, lets go, and i told him to do it by himself and not use me as a tag pole. meanwhile, while i had to listen to random promises i wouldnt see, matt was raiding my kitchen for food, settled on a pb&j, and crashed on my sofa. alex wouldnt let go of me again and matt said i was on my own this time. he kept begging me for this and that and saying he was sorry, and i didnt understand a word he said. i gave up and said fine to everything though, and hes going to go over tomorrow and talk to his parents hardcore and fix things or else hes never talking with them again, and that should make them talk. but otherwise, i let him stay here, and i even called my dad to ask first so alex wouldnt be a she in the morning. and my dad said, just to make sure we didnt do anything that looked gay outside, so i said aok, because i dont want to embarrass him. and i can live one day like that. matt said adios and went home and said nto to call unless someone was dying. i went to take another shower to try and get rid of the sick smell. he came in and asked if he could get in with me, so we showered and got out. he tried to pull something, so thats why i got out at least. he kept talking though, about his family and how hed make things better. and i told him not to make promises he couldnt keep, so he went quiet on that. i toldhimi wasnt going back until he fixed it, and that made him a faint upset. while i was drawing he had come up and sat behind me and he kept playing with my pockets, taking things out and putting his hands in. which made me mess up once.he kept kissing my neck and stuff and i got frustrated, and i told him that the only reason i got kicked out because he was a horny bastard. then he said because i participated it was my fault too.so i pushed him hard and left the living room, slamming my door while i was at it. and he asked if he could come in, so i told him to go fuck himself. i told him if he was going to act that way to leave my house, to go play his games with his dad. he came in anyway and layed down behind me and said he was sorry. he started the same bullshit and i tried to get up and he wouldnt let me, so i flailed my arm and struck him him when he wouldnt let go, and he just kept telling me to hush and to stray still and kept holding my torso and arms. the more i fought, the closer i got to hurting him each time, and i was soooo fucking pissed. i rammed my elbows and dug my nails and kicked and yelled for him to get the hell away from me. i just couldnt get out of the grip, or when he locked my leg down. he made my ribs hurt...a few tears left my eye, when i started considering the worst things imaginable, and i kept asking to be let go. i started to actually cry and he let go of me, adn turned me over to face him, just holding me. he rubbed circles against my back and unzipped my pants, and i asked him to go away and leave me alone, because i didnt want to see him right then. i didnt want to be around him...by then, my dad had just gotten home, and he knocked on the door to check in with me, so i said id be right there. which got me out of bed. my dad asked if i was ok and put a hand to my forhead, and he said i was burning up, so he took my tempand i had a high fever he said. my mum came home and fussed over me going out at so late a night when i was sick, that it only made it all worse. dad went to the store to get me some veggie brother and mum helped me change into some super clean jammies, and she sat on the sofa while i layed down on it, head inher lap. i asked what she wanted me to cook for idnner, and she told me not to worry about it tonight. she patted my hair back and rubbed my shoulder and arm, i ate some soup, which i trhew up later on...i passed out on the sofa while she was watching just shoot me...i just now woke up, so i think after writing this, im going to go now...its been a horrible day...