Chapter 28

© Copyright 2006 by Kendra Cornell



Ellen woke the next morning after a fairly restless night. Though she had been used to falling asleep without Tom, usually he had crawled in bed next to her at some point in the night, always kissing her cheek and curling around her before he fell asleep. Last night, there had been no cuddling, nor any repose. It was a constant reminder that she was alone, and it was of her own making.

It had taken enormous restraint not to rush to Tom’s bedside when one of those silly interns had called her cell phone in a panic. But Ellen quickly ascertained that Tom had suffered a panic attack, and was in no mortal danger. And Ellen knew if she had gone, Tom would easily have talked her into coming home.

Surely, he had her note by now. But he hadn’t called… not even to leave a message. Was this so easy on him? Ellen exhaled, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. There was nothing to be done now except to keep moving. The pain of the situation was catching up to her this morning, and Ellen didn’t want to succumb to it.

She washed and dressed, going down the stairs to find her two granddaughters fighting over what to have for breakfast.

“I want pancakes!” screamed five-year old Jane.

“Well, it’s my turn to pick, and Mom said we could do French toast instead,” replied nine-year old Michelle, who thought herself infinitely mature and therefore much wiser.

“How about if I make both,” said Ellen surprising them both. She was rewarded with squeals and a flurry of hugs.

“You’ll spoil them, Mom,” said Sarah, who had come down the stairs and was tying her long hair back into a pony-tail.

“So what? It’s Nana’s prerogative,” Ellen replied airily.

Sarah just smiled and commenced to making sure that everything was in order for Michelle’s schoolwork and lunch. School was almost out for the summer and there was that end-of-the-year activity that could drive a person insane.

“Mommy? Can we please go to the zoo today? I want to show Nana the polar bears,” said Jane.

Sarah looked at her mother, who shrugged. “That’s a great idea Jane. We’ll pack a picnic lunch, too. How about that?”

Jane shrieked her approval, and ran off to get dressed. “I’m wearing my pink dress today, okay Mommy?” But she didn’t wait for a response, tearing up the stairs at break-neck speed.

Ellen puttered around in the kitchen, mixing up various ingredients for the simple breakfasts. Sarah leaned against the tiled counter and asked her, “How’d you sleep, Mom?”

Ellen tried to hide the fatigue in her face, “Fine, Honey. Thanks for asking.”

Sarah bit her lip. “Dad called this morning, Mom. He wanted to know how you were doing.”

Ellen spun around, flinging dredges of pancake batter onto the floor. “What did you tell him? Oh, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to… I guess I’m doing a poor job of pretending I don’t care, aren’t I?” And she bent over with a wet cloth to wipe up the floor.

Sarah bent down at eye level and covered Ellen’s hand with her own. “I don’t expect you not to care Mom. I know how much you care for Dad. Anyone who’s been around you can see it.”

Ellen began to cry, although she tried with every fiber of her being to stifle the flow. “I’m so sorry. I just can’t seem to stop it.”

“Then don’t,” Sarah said simply. “I told Dad that you were fine and that if he wanted details, then he’d better speak to you because at the moment, I was pretty put out with him.”

“Honey, please don’t feel like you have to do that. I don’t want this to drive a wedge in the family.”

“I was being honest, Mom. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll remember that there’s already a pretty decent wedge in this family.”

Ellen knew exactly to what Sarah referred and withdrew her hand, straightening up. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“No, Mom. You never have,” Sarah said resignedly. They’d had this battle before, and now was not the time to pick up that thread of conversation.

“So what about the zoo today? Does that sound like fun?”

“Absolutely,” said Ellen recovering her wits.

Before Sarah walked away, she looked into her mother’s eyes. “Mom… I hate to be the one to mention this, but have you called a lawyer?”

“What on earth for?”

“Mom, even a separation should be legal.”

“I don’t even know that I want to separate yet.”

“It couldn’t hurt to talk to someone, Mom.”

Ellen thought for a moment, drowning in the feeling that she just couldn’t deal with this right now. “Alright. I’ll call someone before we leave this morning.”

“It’s for the best, Mom,” Sarah said, squeezing her Mom’s arm and walking away to get things in order.

Ellen sat back and said quietly, “I’m not so sure about that.”

Two hours later, the trio had dropped off Michelle at school, and Jane was chattering excitedly about the animals they’d see.

“And Nana, I’ll show you Roger Rhino, and the hippos- they have a big pool to swim in! And there’s two baby polar bears and everything!”

The zoo sported handsome copper sculptures outside its gates. Being members, they walked right in, and Jane ran delightedly ahead to look at the lions and hyenas in the large enclosure. Sarah wanted to talk.

“So, Mom… Have you given any thought to what’s going to happen in the next couple of days? I mean… the election’s tomorrow. And I didn’t want to tell you, but a couple of reporters called the house wanting a statement. How they tracked you down, I will never know but…”

“I didn’t think about that,” said Ellen softly. “This has hurt your father in ways I’m sure he never even considered.”

“And it serves him right, if you ask me,” said Sarah who was dressed comfortably in khaki shorts and a red tank top, her hair still pulled into a pony tail.

“I am more angry with him than I can even express right now. But that doesn’t mean I want to see him suffer. Did you catch the news this morning? Did he mention anything about yesterday?”

“Only that he’s feeling fine and not to worry. He said to tell you to call if you needed anything.”

Ellen thought with sarcasm of all the things she needed right now- reassurance, a faithful husband, her life to get back to normal. Sadness replaced her anger. But that’s not the way it works, she thought.

“Mom, do you remember the camping trip we took when I was ten?”

Startled, Ellen replied in the affirmative, “Yes of course I do. Why?”

“Do you remember when you and I hiked up to the lake, and I sprained my ankle trying to get down that steep hill to the water?”

“Vaguely, Honey. Why do you ask?”

“Because, Mom, that’s one of the earliest memories I have of your impact on my life.”

“Well, that’s rather dramatic. What was so life-altering?”

“Mom, I couldn’t walk, and I was too big for you to carry over the hills. But you wouldn’t leave me there. So you shouldered as much of the burden as you could, and asked me to walk.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice, Sarah. As I recall, that area was home to mountain lions. And leaving a child who couldn’t walk made no sense at all.”

“Okay, you’re right. And we got back, and you spent the rest of the week in camp with me since I couldn’t do any real hiking.”

“I remember Sarah. What are you getting at?” The two continued to stroll past the enclosures of animals basking in the warm spring sunshine.

“Mom, it took a few years, but whenever I started to face something tough, something I didn’t want to deal with, I thought of that time. You took as much as you could bear and asked me to do the rest. You didn’t carry me or coddle me. You asked me to face it. That was a big lesson for me.”

“That’s always nice to hear.”

“I’m not saying it to stroke your ego, Mom. I’m doing it because I know that you want to talk to Dad. And I think you’re petrified. That’s not the woman I know. The woman I know would ask those around her to help, and face the rest of it on her own. Don’t hide from him, Mom. It’s obvious that it’s killing you to be away from him like this.”

“It’s only been one day, Sarah.”

“But you’re in love with him. I can see it written all over your face. I can’t imagine how this hurts right now, but that doesn’t mean that avoiding it is the best course of action.”

Ellen bit her lip, walking in step with Sarah and keeping a close eye on Jane who was pointing at the elephants. Finally, she said, “You’re right. I want to talk to him desperately. I want to know why he did this. But I’m afraid he won’t tell me the truth. Why should he?”

“I don’t know, Mom. But maybe you could find out.”

Ellen smiled at her daughter. “You’re a smart girl. How’d you get to be so smart?”

Sarah smiled back, “I guess it just runs in the family.”

“Just in the women, Sarah,” she replied, tongue-in-cheek.



Several hours later, Ellen had returned to the house, where Sarah was engaged in getting Jane to settle down for her ‘rest time.’ Ellen knew it was a thinly veiled way Sarah had concocted to give her privacy. She went to the guest room and picked up the phone.

Her hands shaking and her stomach roiling in nervousness, Ellen dialed her husband’s number. It rang only twice before he picked up.

“Tom Delaney.”

“Tom, it’s me.”

“Hang on just a minute.” The background noise faded away quickly. “Sorry- I’m at a luncheon. How are you, Ellen?” His voice was formal and distant.

“Fine, thank you, and you?”

Acid tinged his tone as he replied, “I’d be better if I hadn’t had my wife walk out on me two nights before the election.”

Defensiveness gripped Ellen quickly, “You know why I left, Tom. And there’s no way you can blame that on me.”

“Point taken, but you could have waited. At the very least, did you have to be so callous as to inform the media?” he hissed.

“Tom, you have known me since I was a girl. Do you really think I would have done something like that?”

He deflated immediately. “No- I guess not. Although I’d love to know how they found out. I suppose you know they ambushed me last night?”

“No, actually we haven’t watched television at all.”

“Don’t you even care about this Ellen? This may have cost me the election!”

“I guess the more pertinent question to me, Tom, is don’t you even care about our marriage?”

“Of course I care. I just wish we could have dealt with this privately after I was elected.”

“Well, that would certainly have been more convenient, wouldn’t it.”

Tom heaved a heavy sigh, “Why’d you call Ellen? What do you want?”

Her voice cracked, betraying her tears, “I guess I just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to see if you even cared about what you had done.”

“Yes, Ellen. I care. I just honestly don’t have the time for this right now.”

“Well, I’m sorry to have bothered you then.”

“Ellen, don’t take it like that,” he started, but Ellen hung up.

Bitterly, she replaced the receiver and clenched her fists. Curling up on her side, she turned her face into the pillow.

“It’s not fair! It’s not fair God! How could you do this to me? I’ve always tried to do the right thing- sought after you- prayed… And this is the reward I get?” Ellen was just getting warmed up. She had never felt so betrayed in her life- not only by her husband, but by a God who was supposed to love her.

“What did I do to deserve this?!” she screamed into the pillow. “How can he not care? How can he not see what he’s doing to me? Why isn’t this killing him the way it’s killing me? What do you expect me to do?!”

At this point, Ellen sobbed into the pillow and cried out all the rage and hurt that filled her soul. Hot tears flowed for many minutes before she no longer had energy to cry. And it was then that the Lord spoke gently and softly, There is a time to cry and a time to laugh- A time to grieve and a time to dance. The words from Ecclesiastes had always been among her favorites- What comfort there was in those words! The Lord had never promised that His path would be easy. But He did say that those times of difficulty would end at some point, and then… then there would be laughing again.

Ellen prayed out of desperation, Okay, Lord. I know this isn’t over yet. And I have a strong feeling that there’s more hurt coming. But at least for now, what do you want me to do? What am I supposed to do?

Eyes puffy, Ellen pushed herself up and she picked up the Bible on the bedside table. It fell open to the Psalms- a chapter that had been her lifeline in other times of personal siege. Her eyes focused on Psalm 27:14. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

She exhaled, knowing this was her answer for right now. It wasn’t an answer that she particularly wanted to hear, but it was the answer the Lord was giving. And that had to be enough for right now.




HEY! and don't forget to e-mail Kendra Cornell if you have a comment! She would really like to hear from you.





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