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BENEFITS OF GETTING OLDER
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
- Your eyes won't get much worse
- Things you buy now won't wear out
- No one expects you to run into a burning building
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first
- You can live without sex but not without glasses
- Your back goes out more than you do
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper
- You sing along with the elevator music
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You send money to American Cancer Society
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television
- Your ears are hairier than your head
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans
- You got cable for the weather channel
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it