Here are a few brief reviews of some random new flicks I've watched lately. Most of them were rentals, others appeared on late-night cable. Amongst them are some classics in the making, so be sure and seek them out if they sound good to you. If you happen to see one you liked, be sure and let me know!

THE KILLER EYE (UNRATED VERSION)
Take one of those cheesy monster movies from the '50s, add sex and drugs, and you've got this film. It's made by FULL MOON, but is actually decent. A scientist searching for "The 8th Dimension" puts a few drops of liquid into a young male prostitute's eye. The eyeball grows so huge that it pops out of the kid's head. In seconds, the eyeball is a huge monster that walks around using its retinal nerves or whatever. It has some weird power that makes people who look into it very horny. Now that's a great setup for a movie, isn't it? The big-ass eyeball lurks around, fondling women and stuff, and it's up to the scientist and his whoring wife to kill the thing. Not bad at all.

JERRY SPRINGER: "I REFUSE TO WEAR CLOTHES!"
Due to its explicit nature, this episode couldn't even be aired. It's now available on video, unedited, for your sick viewing, um...pleasure. Basically it's about this blonde woman who doesn't wear clothes. In addition to sitting butt-ass naked the whole show talking to Jerry and the audience, they show clips of her walking around town and shopping for groceries. They bring out her approving boyfriend, her disapproving mother and sister, and her supportive best friend (who also comes out butt-ass naked). On one hand, you could say this represents the bottom of the barrel in exploitative television, one step away from a televised execution. On the other hand, it pales in comparison to what is commonplace on television in other countries, and only serves as a reminder of what a conservative society we have in America.

DINOSAUR ISLAND
Man, what a great movie. I've actaully seen this one many times, and have owned it for a few years now. A late-night cable favorite, this one has a cast to die for and was directed by Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray (two giants in the field of modern B-movie filmmaking). A group of army soldiers get stranded on an island inhabited by a tribe of amazon women. Mistaken for gods, the men are forced to do battle with "The Great One", a fake-ass rubber dinosaur. Knockout performances by Michelle Bauer, Antonia Dorian, and Griffin Drew (Nikki Fritz also has a minor role) make this a must-see for any B-movie fan. I love it when the guy shooting the T-Rex says, "Take that you dinosaur dick!"

WES CRAVEN'S MIND RIPPER
This one's been around for several years now, and I avoided getting it because Wes didn't really have much to do with it. His son produced it, that's about all. The movie's not that bad, and the cast will surprise you. Lance Henriksen stars as a scientist who quit working on a government project when it turned out they had evil intentions for his work. When things go bad, Lance has to step in and set it right. Get this: his son and daughter are played by Giovanni Ribisi and Natasha Gregson Wagner, and they have big roles. It was neat to see them in something like this before they went on to more serious stuff. Hey, the story's not bad either.

IN THE WOODS
Rarely do I watch a movie that I cannot find at least something good to say about. When it comes to low-budget horror, generally I look for lots of blood, nudity, a whacked-out premise, or some really over-the-top acting. Sometimes they can be so bad that they're funny. Sorry, whomever made this movie here. It had no value at all. Not only did it lack any of the aforementioned qualities, but I truly felt ripped off. A warning to those who may be fooled by the cover box, in which this film is compared to BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: it doesn't even remotely resemble that film. It's about an alcoholic fireman who unwittingly sets loose an ancient monster (which doesn't even try to be scary). The previews on the tape are infinitely more entertaining. Rent THE LAST BROADCAST if you're looking for some real horrors in the woods.

FROM DUSK TILL DAWN 3: HANGMAN'S DAUGHTER
In short, this is way better than part 2, but of course, still nowhere near the original. The production value is unusually high for a direct-to-video movie. If the characters & dialogue were a tad better, this definitely should have gone to theaters. It takes place in the early 1900's, and centers on Ambrose Bierce's journey to join Poncho Villa's army in the revolution. His trek is interruped by vampires, and he ends up in the famous Titty Twister bar. It's got cool as hell effects (done by KNB, who supplied them for the original), enough nudity and gore to satisfy horror fans, and a good enough cast. It's especially cool to see the origin of the Satanico Pandemonium character (played by Salma Hayek in part 1), which is one of the major plot points. Definitely worth renting, check it out.

INVASION FOR FLESH & BLOOD
Why do I continue to rent these ultra low-budget, shot on video productions? Well, because every now and then I see one that's exceptionally good. In this format, filmmakers can get away with so much more than we usually see in movies (see SCHIZOPHRENIAC). Anyway, this one featured Marilyn Ghigliotti from CLERKS on the cover (she played Dante's girlfriend Veronica), so that gave it some extra appeal. She's only in it long enough to strip naked and get killed by some psycho guy, but that alone gives the film value. It's not a bad movie, either. It's about some green rubbery monsters that invade earth and go around killing everybody, and has tons of gory deaths. At times it seemed to drag on a bit, but mostly it was well-paced. It was better than THE SUCKLING, which...well...sucked.

KOLOBOS
Ever watch the MTV show REAL WORLD and wish those kids would just go die somewhere? Well, if the answer is yes, then you may enjoy this movie. Five strangers are cast in an "experimental film", in which they live in a nice house together and are constantly being taped by closed-circuit cameras. The main focus is on one of the girls, who just got out of the insane asylum. When they realize they can't leave the house, the kids start getting killed one by one. Everyone blames the crazy girl, who keeps having visions of a weird guy who likes to slice the skin off his face. Guess who the killer really is? We don't know, because the movie jumps back and forth and you can't tell what's real and what's not. Unfortunately, it's very slow-moving, and the fact that it was shot on regular film takes away from the "Real World" atmosphere. Some interesting and gory deaths, but not much else here.

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU
I've always been the "well, somebody has to watch it" guy. So I picked this one up. Knowing it was PG-13, and that it was aimed at the pre-teen market, I didn't expect much. But someone had to watch it, right? What is packaged as a straight-to-video movie is actually an NBC made-for television film. No blood, no sex, no showers, no severed heads. Just a lot of scary music and screaming. The story and dialogue are so predictable that you can say the actors' lines before they speak them. However, for what it is, the movie isn't so bad. I liked the actors, and it was better-paced than a lot of the shit out there right now. But it's got a "young adult horror book" feel to it, and is ultimately something for 10-year-old girls to watch at a sleepover party. Oh my god, Becky...

BRIDE OF CHUCKY (UNIVERSAL THRILLERS)
First of all, there's absolutely no excuse for you not to have seen this one by now. Throw all the other Chucky films out the window and run them over with your grandpa's 1985 El Dorado, because this is the one and only Chucky movie. It's awesome. Anyway, I held off buying a used copy in hopes that a widescreen version might come out. It didn't, so I bought a brand new copy for $8, released as part of the "Universal Thrillers" series (along with an assortment of other horror movies from their catalog). So on the box, it says "CONTAINS BONUS FOOTAGE!". Well, now the secret's out. It isn't deleted scenes, outtakes, or anything like that. It's a 10-15 minute "making of" featurette, that has interviews with everybody involved with the movie, plus a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff on the puppetry. That's it. However, the producer mentions that there will be more Chucky movies. SEED OF CHUCKY is next, I've heard. Let's hope they get Ronny Yu as director again.

CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE 3
Well, it's a recovery from the disappointing sequel, but it's still a long way away from being close to as good as the original (brilliantly directed by Frank Terranova). This current entry in the shot-on-video series is little more than an excuse to parade naked women around. There's clips from the first two movies, and then just lesbo vampire action. If you're looking for endless scenes of nude female couples groping each other's breasts, then this is the movie for you. No offense to the people that made this, but I couldn't help but notice that this stuff comprised 90% of the movie. Perhaps in amongst all that stripping and groping, there was a story I missed. Anyway, the upside is all the girls are great-looking (with the exception of a girl we'll call "TAN LINES FROM HELL", whose nipples were the only thing indicating she'd in fact already removed her bikini before showering). At the end of the movie, the "audition" footage for two girls is shown. They strip in slow motion. One girl is attractive, one is skinny and unhealthy-looking. I don't remember if she made it into the movie or not!

SOME NUDITY REQUIRED
A documentary about the making of today's B-movies, with the main focus on the "scream queen" actresses. It was made last year by Odette Springer, who has written and performed music for numerous B-movies. This film isn't eye candy for fan-boys, it's a very personal and unflinching look at what really goes on behind the scenes. It features interviews with the likes of Julie Strain, Roger Corman, Fred Olen Ray, Brinke Stevens, Andy & Arlene Sidaris, and Jim Wynorski. Maria Ford, who has amassed quite an amount of B-movie credits in a short time, is the best part about this film. In one of her interviews, I was moved to tears by what she said. It was such a raw display of emotion. It baffles me that the big boys haven't been knocking down her door already. For a longtime fan of movies like SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA, a lot of this was tough to hear. I never stopped to think of why none of these "scream queens" ever eventually made it to A-pictures. I wish there was something I could do. Maria, if you happen to read this, I want to make you a promise: If I ever become a big shot Hollywood director, you're the first one I'd call for my leading actress. And I would never, ever ask you to be naked.

JERRY SPRINGER: TOO HOT FOR T.V. 2
What's this doing here? I think it falls into the category of "trash" or "sleaze", hell, maybe even "mondo". After all, it's that whole reality-television thing we can't seem to get enough of. That's right. Not unlike the "car crash" effect, I am simply unable to take my eyes off the screen when this tape is on, no matter how stupid it may be to even exist in the first place. If you saw the first tape, you'll know what to expect. Lots of fights (which are real, the punches do connect...so do the chairs), hair-pulling, horrid language, and the occasional guest that takes her clothes off. The appeal is, of course, that none of it has been censored or edited. However, I think the second tape tops the first. All the fights go on longer, more people are involved in them, and they're more intense. Overall it's more of the same, just double. The fight scenes are like the "Where's Waldo?" books, because Jerry seems to just disappear when they happen. I like to see if I can spot him amongst all the chaos, but I never can.

THE DIVIDING HOUR
For once, a shot-on-video independent film that's seriously good. If your video store doesn't carry this, demand they buy it. Hopefully, the industry bigwigs are paying attention to the people who made this. The story centers around four friends who rob a bank together. After the getaway, they get into a car accident along a deserted country road. In the middle of nowhere, they end up at an old house, where a young woman and her blind/deaf/mute father live. Strange things begin to happen, and the madness sets in. It's very well made, and the acting isn't half bad. I'm waiting for the buzz to start.

RAZOR BLADE SMILE
Now here's a cool idea for a movie: female asassin, clad in tight black leather, runs around busting heads and killing folks. Now the twist: she's a vampire! The movie's good too, despite a few slow moments. It's British-made, so there's some interesting dental work (or lack thereof) going on. The bad quality of the film stock used makes it look older than it is, but there's some really cool camera tricks and visual effects. The title sequence was quite good. A-PIX released this (they also released KILLER TONGUE), but there is no nudity or sex. I was pretty surprised, but then again...it's British.

FREEWAY 2: CONFESSIONS OF A TRICK BABY
This movie was so twisted that, unlike the original (which premiered on HBO and has become a classic in its own right), no movie company or cable station would touch it. FULL MOON, of all people, finally released it. Thank goodness, because it's incredible. Matthew Bright wrote and directed again, proving that he could do the impossible...out-gross the original. That's right, kids: this one is darker and weirder and sicker. It stars Natasha Lyonne as a delinquent who escapes prison with a teenage female serial killer! There's bulimia jokes, projectile vomiting, lots of blood, and even a transvestite. Like the original, this one is based on a fairy tale. This time it's Hansel & Gretel. Rent this, you will not be sorry you did. If you are, then you're sorry.

KILLER TONGUE
In this Spanish-made production, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 3's Mindy Clarke plays a criminal who gains weird powers after ingesting part of an alien meteor. Sound cool? It is! Her body is covered in a black laytex-looking skin, and her tongue gets a life of its own. It flies everywhere, wrapping around stuff, killing people left and right. In one scene, she thrusts it though a guy's mouth and out the back of his head. While still impaling the head, the tongue then rips a guy's balls off. Oh, and in some parts it gives her what appears to be "oral pleasure". It's a pretty wild movie, which at times makes no sense at all. Still, it's fun to watch, even just to sit in awe of the fact that it was even made.

LET MY PUPPETS COME!
Made in 1977 by DEEP THROAT director Gerard Damiano, this one finally made it to video shelves in my town. The cast is made up almost entirely out of puppets, except for a few assorted human actors. A bunch of executive-types owe money to a mobster, and are given one day to come up with the cash (or they're dead meat). They decide to raise the dough by making a porno film. Let me just say that even though this movie makes Peter Jackson's 1992 all-puppet film MEET THE FEEBLES look like an epic by comparison, it's still good for a laugh. Seeing puppets curse and have sex is hilarious, man. I loved it.

THE LAST ROAD
The consistently excellent Julie Strain takes a departure from her usual "femme fatale" roles in this drama/romance/race car movie. I liked it, but to be honest, seeing her in a goody-goody role had its drawbacks. I felt like the guy she gets with in this one didn't deserve her. However, who really does? In this film, we get to see Julie act drunk, which was funny. There are, of course, several nude and sex scenes for you as well. Anyway, this one is exclusive to the Showtime cable network right now, so it may never surface on video.

BIKINI HOE DOWN
I have recommended this to many of my friends. This sounds dumb, and it is. However, that's one of the great things about it. This movie shamelessly copies and borrows from many sources, but it works to its advantage. The film is set up like an episode of DUKES OF HAZZARD complete with country narrator. The plot and acting resemble an episode of SCOOBY DOO (characters see a ghost and all run away). And, of course, there are inappropriately long sex scenes and lots of breasts. After all, this does have the word "bikini" in the title. The town sheriff has a teddy bear he calls "Mister Fuzzy"!

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 3
The first NOTD was a classic. It had the usual rostor of B-movie actors, sex, and death (seeing Linnea Quigley jam a lipstick tube into her nipple was something I'll be telling my grandkids about). Part 2 was not as good, but still had its moments. Most of it took place away from the house, so it wasn't as scary (and we were treated into another "monster breast" scene: this time, a pair turned into hands and choked someone). Anyway, part 3 is actually almost as good as the first. It's interesting even before the demons show up. Like the first one, you have several characters going to a party that would never in real life be hanging out together. The "psycho" delinquent character shoots a cop at a convenience store, so he and his friends take refuge in the house from the first movie. Angela, the main demon, still lives there (and still has that stupid voice) and has the place all fixed up. The kids get posessed, kill each other, and a couple do escape just like in the other movies. It has some decent acting and a good script. Also, a lot of gross things happen. My kind of movie. What happened to the good old days when the point of a horror movie was to see who died next and how?

BIKINI HOTEL
Another movie with "bikini" in the title. This one stars J.J. North as a girl who inherits an old screwed up hotel that she turns into a hot sex joint. The awesome Julie Strain shows up as part of the staff who's secretly a bad guy. Ok, this movie is a comedy and it's actually funny. I'll admit to laughing at a lot of the jokes. Maybe it's because some of the delivery was so bad. Anyway, it has a basic story similar to BIKINI CAR WASH and BIKINI TRAFFIC SCHOOL, but features 2 name actresses that you actually don't mind seeing naked. Plus, the comic relief from J.J.'s two male friends is great.

POISON IVY: THE NEW SEDUCTION
Here's a prime example of a series that's gone downhill. This one has some annoying blonde that's supposed to be Drew Barrymore's sister from the original. She's sinister alright, but has a scrawny body. I wanted her to die a lot sooner than she did, but I realized that's the effectiveness of Jamie Pressley's acting. (Remember THE CRUSH with Alicia Silverstone? It made a lot of people hate her, but only because she was so good at being evil.) Anyway, if you want to see Pressley in her brilliant role as a trailer-trash slut, you have to rent RINGMASTER. It's destined to be a staple of late-night cable.

RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH
Man, this movie kicks ass! Andy Sidaris has been on a winning streak: his last couple movies have all been good, thanks to the presence of the L.E.T.H.A.L. force (featuring Julie Strain and Julie K. Smith!!!). Continuing the story from DALLAS CONNECTION and DAY OF THE WARRIOR before it, this movie is chock full of explosions, huge silicone breasts, guns, sex, nice cars, huge silicone breasts, and kung fu. There's some plot but I never understand them anyway. Testosterone was leaking out of my tv by the end of this one!

SKYSCRAPER
Anna Nicole Smith plays a helicopter taxi pilot who accidentally transports some criminals to a building that they take over. She ends up saving the day in this lame DIE-HARD wannabe rip-off. However, Anna's horrible acting and dialogue delivery, a couple scenes where she unleashes those huge fake misshapen breasts, and the presence of Jonathan (CASTLE FREAK monster) Fuller as the villain make it all fun. You will die laughing at how they managed to put two sex scenes in this movie.