SO...
YOU THINK YOU'RE READY FOR CHILDREN???
See if you can pass these tests!!
TEST NUMBER ONE
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TEST NUMBER TWO
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. (Someone with children will be HAPPY to do this for you *L*) Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
TEST NUMBER 3
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
TEST NUMBER 4
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
TEST NUMBER 5
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
TEST NUMBER 6
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing those too, until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful and awake.
TEST NUMBER 7
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove only 10% of the beans.
TEST NUMBER 8
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
TEST NUMBER 9
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should NEVER allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the LAST time you have all the answers.
STILL READY FOR CHILDREN?
Go ahead, join the club, and be ready for the most wonderful, exasperating, patience building and patience taking, heart-stealing experience in your life!
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