Amaze your friends! Startle your neighbors! Alarm authorities!
Utilizing this nifty 5-Step method you too can place small lizards and toads under a mesmeric trance! All you need is a cooperative small herptile*, an audience of gullible yokels, and a few theatrical tricks and mystical phrases (provided below). Try it!
- SELECT A VICTIM, errr . . . SUBJECT
- I live in Florida, so finding creepy-crawlies is not much of a problem. I mainly employ wild Cuban Anoles (Anolis sagrei). These are delicate, skittish lizards of the iguana family with antigravity pads on their toes. People are used to seeing them zippity-bop up walls so they're really impressed when you immobilize them by the powers of your mind. You can use your pet lizards, if they're small enough to hold in one hand. I have successfully hypnotized small Iguanas, Bearded Dragons, Monkey-tailed Skinks, Basilisks, Thai Water Dragons and a Tokay Gecko. You can also hypnotize toads (frogs are too slippery). This method doesn't work on snakes or turtles, who just get really upset. I suppose you could try it on alligators; if so, be my guest and tell me where to send the flowers. Besides, it's just cuter with little tiny reptiles.
- GRASP THE SUBJECT FIRMLY BUT GENTLY RIGHT BEHIND THE HEAD
- This is essential, otherwise the Subject will turn around and chomp you. It does NOT impress people to see the Hypnotist let out a yelp and toss the Subject over a fence, sped on it's way by a volley of viperitude. Crade the rest of the body in your palm with your fingers curved over it. At this point, a toad will probably dribble on you. I suggest roughing toads up a bit before you start the show to scare the pee out of them and ensure a relatively urine-free performance (on the Subject's part).
- STROKE THE SUBJECT ON THE HEAD AND MUTTER ODDLY
- This should make the Subject close his eyes in what looks like dreamy ecstasy but which is actually only an attempt to protect his eyes. Tell him he's getting sleepy, sleeeeeeepy. If you can't think of a suitable mystic phrase to intone, select one from this handy table:
What can I say, I'm a sucker for the classics!
|Cthulu fhtægen! Ðnßgguk elrÿab-ûpsì!|
|Ach! Du hast deine schone hosen mit schokolade geschmutzt!|
||Twizzle, twazzle, twozzle, tome! Time for this one to go home!
||Eye of bat and drool of dog, nose of newt and toe of frog! ||
- TURN THE SUBJECT OVER WHILE MAKING BELA LUGOSI GESTURES WITH YOUR FREE HAND
- Keep your fingers firmly locked - don't drop the Subject! The mystical gestures will make it look like you're doing something vitally psychically important, and also distract the audience.
- RELEASE YOUR GRIP
- If you did everything right, the Subject will remain motionless on his back! Tah-dah! Rub his scaly little belly like you're still hypnotizing him, but this isn't required.
How is it done?
SPECIAL BONUS SECTION!
Simple, really. Reptiles don't have diaphrams. They use their torso muscles to pump their lungs. When they're on their backs, the weight of their limbs in an unnatural postion makes breathing more difficult. So, to conserve oxygen, they go into a trancelike state. Think of it as putting their batteries on 'standby'. Of course you don't want to hold them on their backs too long.
Anolis earrings! Very swell and pretty!
- YOU NEED:
Two matching lizards. Anolis are preferred because they are small, lightly-built and have ittybitty teeth. In this instance I'd switch to Green Anoles aka American Chameleons(Anolis carolinensis) which have longer mouths and are a pretty green color.
- STEP 1: PISS THE LIZARDS OFF
- This isn't hard. You don't need to cast doubt on their manly abilities or belittle their family tree. Picking them up is usually enough to accomplish the proper degree of righteous indignation.
- STEP 2: HOLD TORQUED LIZARD UP TO YOUR SOFT, FLESHY EARLOBE
- And Nature usually takes it's course. The lizard will clamp down with all the measly strength in it's jaws. You let go when the hurting starts, and there's the lizard, dangling from your earlobe! Gorgeous! If the lizard refuses to hang on, perhaps you haven't pissed it off enough first. Try jabbing it repeatedly at the earlobe. This usually works.
- STEP 3: REPEAT WITH OTHER EAR
- Now you have a matched set! Ready for a night out on the town, you are!
- This requires the ability to ignore pain. But really, it doesn't hurt any more than clip-on earrings of the nonbreathing variety. And of course there's always the chance your earrings will get tired of being jewelry and wander off for a nap.
- Using lizards as tongue-jewelry (as I've seen occasionally on TV) is a good way to catch salmonella, a possibly fatal disease. Yuk. Don't do it. Besides, you've seen what lizards put in their mouths. Do you really want to swap spit with an insectivore?
* No, I did not misspell 'reptile'. Herptile refers to any poikliothermic squamous tetrapod (that is to say, a reptile or amphibian).