The Brother From Another Series

THE BROTHER FROM ANOTHER SERIES

by

Ken Keeler

ACT ONE

FADE IN: SCENE 1 SIMPSON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING The FAMILY is watching TV ON TV

SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - STAGE SURROUNDED BY CELLS

TV ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Live! From Springfield Penitentiary's fabulous Big Open Area in Cell Block It's the Krusty the Clown Prison Special! KRUSTY strides onstage dressed in black and carrying a guitar as JOHNNY CASE-TYPE MUSIC plays. The CONVICTS (some in folding chairs, some in surrounding cells) APPLAUD and CHEER.

KRUSTY

(SINGS) I slugged some jerk in Tahoe They gave me one to three / My high priced lawyer sprung me on a tech-ni cal-i-ty / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / (RUBBING IT IN) I get to sleep at home tonight CONVICTS (ANGRY MURMURING) KRUSTY (TRYING TO SAVE SELF) Hey, I kid! I kid cause I love.I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk. CONVICTS (ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS) ANGLE ON THE SIMPSON FAMILY, WATCHING BART Man, those cons love Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy. LISA And vice versa. MARGE Just remember, Bart, convicts aren't "cool." They're bad people. BART Maybe so. But they get the job done. BACK ON TV Krusty is in the audience of seated convicts, "talking" to them. KRUSTY (PATTING FAT CONVICT ON STOMACH) Hey, now I know where my tax dollars are goin', huh? > FAT CONVICT (APPRECIATIVE CHUCKLE) KRUSTY Hey hey, it's my old TV sidekick, Sideshow Bob! Why, I haven't seen you in years. Whattya been doing with yourself, Bob? SIDESHOW BOB (MILD) Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier ... Let's see, I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you ... KRUSTY (PRETENDING TO REMEMBER SOUND) SIDESHOW BOB And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.. ON THE SIMPSONS, WATCHING BART (POINTS AND SCREAMS) He runs upstairs in terror HOMER (CALLING AFTER HIM) He said "tried" MARGE (CONCERNED MURMUR) Someone should really go up there and talk to him Nothing happens. After a beat Lisa gets up. LISA (HEAVY SIGH) HOMER (RELIEVED SIGH) MARGE Ho-mer. HOMER (RE-READ) (CLEARER) (GETTING UP, GRIPEY) Oh, all those stairs. They head upstairs. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BART'S ROOM - A MINUTE LATER SCENE 2R> Marge and Homer try to reassure Bart. MARGE Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey. HOMER Your mother's right, Bart. (DOWNPLAYING) Sure, you're the one who ruined all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes - MARGE We're very proud of you, by the way HOMER And sure, he's probably so insane with rage that held butcher you horribly if he could -- MARGE ("YOU'RE NOT HELPING") But he's safely locked away! HOMER (FIRMLY) In a medium-security prison. MARGE For life! HOMER Unless he gets out somehow. MARGE which is impossible! HOMER Or so you'd think, except he's done it so many times before. BART Thanks for trying, guys, but Sideshow Bob wants me dead, and Sideshow Bob is an unstoppable killing machine. HOMER That's the spirit. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - CHAPEL - THAT MOMENT We see a - shot of the prison chapel with a letterboard reading: "TODAY'S SERMON: Please Stop Stealing Spoons From The Cafeteria". INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - CHAPEL - CONTINUOUS TIGHT SHOT: SIDESHOW BOB, SINGING He looks impossibly angelic. ORGAN MUSIC: "AMAZING GRACE" SIDESHOW BOB (SINGING) I once was lost but now am found. WIDEN TO: INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - CHAPEL - DAY The stained glass windows have bars over them, so the apostles appear to be in jail. Bob, in a choir robe stenciled 113539-1211, sings for a congregation of convicts SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) ... Was blind but now I see! As the HYMN CONCLUDES, REVEREND LOVEJOY ascends the pulpit. LOVEJOY Well, that was lovely, Robert. You other cons could benefit from his shining example CONVICTS (UNIMPRESSED MURMURING) SIDESHOW BOB "TUT-TUT") Really, Reverend, your praise is going to get me beaten up. LOVEJOY Oh, I'm sorry, Bob. But your transformation is truly inspiring. SIDESHOW BOB Yes. I'm a good, good man The convicts stand and file out INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER REV. LOVEJOY and Bob walk down the hall. Bob is now in his. prison blues. Lovejoy looks Bob over. LOVEJOY You know, it's hard to believe this model prisoner could be the same monstrous fiend who once ran for Mayor. It's a pleasure to have recommended you for the work release program. SIDESHOW BOB (SURPRISED) Me? I'm touched, I really am. But you'll never find anyone willing to hire a five-time loser like me LOVEJOY I already have. Lovejoy dramatically opens a hallway door labelled "VISITING ROOM." SCENE 3 INT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - VISITING ROOM - CONTINUOUS A sign reads "Please Visit Only YOUR Convict". Lovejoy ushers Bob to a seat at a glass visitor's window. SIDESHOW BOB Cecil? Across the glass, as if it were a mirror, CECIL TERWILLIGER takes a seat. He is physically to Bob what, for example, Niles is to Frasier on "Frasier," with a shorter, unremarkable version of Bob's hairstyle. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) (SHOCKED) Is it really you? CECIL Hello, brother. I'm happy to see you. SIDESHOW BOB But it's been ten years! We haven't spoken since the ... unpleasantness. CECIL You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake? SIDESHOW BOB No, no, no. I mean our falling out CECIL (DISMISSIVE) Oh, that. That's ancient history. Let's make a fresh start. Come work for me. SIDESHOW BOB But this is wonderful! ... You do know I used to have a ... (CLEARS THROAT; AIR QUOTES) "Problem" with trying to kill people? CECIL (SARCASTIC) Goodness, I had no idea For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade. In a cave. With my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears. SIDESHOW BOB Touchë. CECIL I'm aware of your felonious past, but you are still my brother. And blood is thicker than bread and water SIDESHOW BOB You don't have to worry about me brother. I'm all murdered out.BR> LOVEJOY Praise the Lord GUARDS open a door and Sideshow Bob walks out and embraces Cecil. CU - SPINNING NEWSPAPER The banner headline reads "MANIAC TO LIVE AT BROTHER'S APARTMENT". EXT. SPRINGFIELD PENITENTIARY - FRONT STEPS - DAY SCENE 4 An angry CROWD, including the Simpsons, has gathered outside. Some are carrying protest signs reading "Keep Bob Locked Up," "You're Making A Mistakes," "Ban the Bob!" "Crime Yes! Criminals No!" etc. Bob emerges through the gates, flanked by Cecil, Rev. Lovejoy, and MAYOR QUIMBY. CROWD (ANGRY YELLS, BOOS, ETC.) MARGE How can you even think of releasing Sideshow Bob? BART He's just faking it to get out of jail He's a maniac! QUIMBY Bob is no maniac. He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all, and assure you they were perfectly sane. CROWD (ANGRY MUTTERS AGAIN) SIDESHOW BOB My friends, please! (CROWD SILENCES) I make no secret of my past, but isn't our system of justice based on the idea that a man can change? WIGGUM (SOTTO TO EDDIE AND LOU) Uh, have the boys check into that. SIDESHOW BOB I know I don't deserve another chance. But this is America, and as an American, aren't I entitled to one? MAN IN CROWD (WITH CERTAINTY) Probably! SIDESHOW BOB Can't you find it in your hearts just to let me live and work in peace? CROWD (ROARS APPROVAL) Bob smiles warmly as the crowd rushes to embrace him, all except for Bart. Someone now carries a sign that reads "WE (heart) BOB." As Cecil hurries Bob into his Volvo, Bart confronts Lovejoy and Quimby. BART Don't you see what you've done? Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed! He's pure evil! Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking. As the car DRIVES OFF we RATCHET IN on Bob with a SINISTER RATCHETING STING. SIDESHOW BOB'S BRAIN (V.0.) (CHEERFULLY MUSING) I hope they still make that shampoo I like. They drive past a sign that reads "WELCOME TO SPRINGFIELD -- PROUD HOME OF SIDESHOW BOB." A SIGN PAINTER is just putting the finishing touches on it. FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO MUSIC: "SIMPSONS" THEME IN "FRASIER"-STYLE JAZZ ARRANGEMENT WHITE TITLES (IN "SIMPSONS" TYPEFACE) ON BLACK: "'FRASIER' IS A HIT SHOW ON THE NBC TELEVISION NETWORK" FADE IN: SCENE 5 INT. CECIL'S BROWNSTONE APARTMENT - THAT NIGHT Cecil escorts Bob into his tastefully decorated home. CECIL Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Châatour and a rather indifferent Rausan-SéR> SIDESHOW BOB I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator. CECIL That would be the Latour then. He starts to POUR. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - BART'S ROOM - SAME NIGHT Bart is praying as Homer and Marge peek in from the hall. BART And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie, and please, God, kill Sideshow Bob - MARGE Bart, no! BART (HURRYING) it's him or me, 0 Lord! Marge and Homer rush in and, GRUNTING, pry Bart's praying hands apart. MARGE You can't ask God to kill someone! HOMER Yeah! You do your own dirty work! Homer and Marge exit. Off Bart's worried look CUT TO: INT. CECIL'S BROWNSTONE APARTMENT - LATER THAT EVENING Bob and Cecil are having a nice meal, eating in prissy silence. SIDESHOW BOB Well, I suppose I should ask you what you do if I'm to be working with you. CECIL For me, Bob. For me. (PROUDLY) I am Springfield's Chief Hydrological and Hydrodynamical Engineer. SIDESHOW BOB Hydrological and hydrodynamical? about running the gamut CECIL Snigger all you like, Bob- SIDESHOW BOB Thank you. I believe I shall. CECIL ... but you'll find one gets more respect as a humble civil servant than as a homicidal maniac. (QUIETLY) Or a clown's sidekick. SIDESHOW BOB I knew it! You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you! CECIL I can't imagine what you mean. SIDESHOW BOB Oh, come now! You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons? The four years at Clown Kollege? CECIL thank you not to refer to Princeton that way. SIDESHOW BOB The point is, you obviously still blame me for what happened at your audition. DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK: INT. KRUSTY'S TV STUDIO - 1986 SCENE 6 CHYRON: TEN YEARS AGO A banner reads "SIDEKICK AUDITIONS TODAY." 1986 BOB, even more punctilious than today in a double-breasted suit, hair tucked under a Homburg hat, and holding a briefcase, waits backstage with a puppyish 1986 CECIL in an Emmett Kelly-style clown outfit. 1986 KRUSTY and staff are in the audience seats. 1986 CECIL Thanks for driving me, Big Brother These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but they do make it difficult to shift gears. 1986 Bob impatiently checks his watch. 1986 BOB That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it? 1986 KRUSTY Number 73 -- you're next. Make with the laugh-laugh! Cecil walks onstage to a microphone 1986 CECIL (CLEARS THROAT; STIFF) Hey, children, meet me Sideshow Cecil. 1986 KRUSTY (BUZZER NOISE) Next 1986 CECIL Uh, I have prepared a pie-in-the-face take? 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 16. 1986 KRUSTY (GROANS, BORED) All right. Knock yourself out, kid. Hal? A pie SLAMS into Cecil. He strikes a weak comedy pose. The effect is just sad. 1986 KRUSTY (CONT'D) Free comedy tip', Slick: the pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity (SEES BOB) Like that guy Hey, Hal, pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there! A pie flies in and HITS Bob. His Homburg flies off and his trademark hair POPS OUT. SFX: SPROING! 1986 BOB Oh, dear EVERYONE BUT BOB AND CECIL (LAUGHS, APPLAUSE) Bob's eyes narrow in cold fury, but he's softened by the reaction. Finally he bows genteelly. 1986 KRUSTY (HYSTERICAL) That guy's a genius! He's going to change the way we think about getting hit by pies! Chumley, you're hired! Off Cecil's disappointed look we go ... 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 17. BACK TO SCENE: CECIL When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank After all, it led me to my true calling. SIDESHOW BOB Cecil, no civilization in history has considered "Chief Hydrological Engineer" a calling. CECIL (CLEARS THROAT MEANINGFULLY) SIDESHOW BOB Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine. INT. SCHOOL BUS - THE NEXT DAY The bus PULLS UP to a red light. Bart looks out the window to see Bob and Cecil in front of a futon store (called "I Wake Up Screaming Futon Shop"), strapping a futon to the roof of Cecil's car. CECIL Now don't pull the tag off, or they'll you away for good Bob looks toward the bus and his and Bart's eyes meet. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 18. BART (ALARMED GASP) He said he wouldn't rest until he killed me! And now he's getting ready to rest! LISA You're being ridiculous, Bart. First of all, no one can rest on a futon. Second, I believe Bob really has reformed. Even Reverend Lovejoy thinks so BART Fine. But I know he's here to kill either me, Krusty, the whole town, or me and Krusty. And I'm not gonna let him. EXT. SPRINGFIELD RIVER GORGE - THE NEXT DAY SCENE 7 Cecil and Bob stand on a cliff overlooking a RUSHING RIVER. CECIL There it is -- the future site of the Springfield Hydroelectric Dam. SIDESHOW BOB Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care CECIL Because you'll be supervising the construction crew. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 19. SIDESHOW BOB Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. (TRYING IT) "Oh, yeah. Shake it, madam. Capital knockers." CECIL Come on, Bob. This is your chance to show the people of Springfield you can hold down an honest job We PULL BACK to see the scene in a BINOCULAR MATTE. EXT. SPRINGFIELD RIVER GORGE - CONTINUOUS Bart stands on the opposite bank, peering at Bob through the binoculars. MILHOUSE stands next to him.' BART He's planning something evil, I know it. It must have something to do with the town's water supply. MILHOUSE Maybe he's gonna pee in the river BART Um... Nah, that's not his style. NEW ANGLE Bob notices a glint of light coming from the opposite river bank -- the glint from Bart's binoculars. SIDESHOW BOB (SQUINTING) Who is that? Why, it's Bart Simpson. (CALLING OUT, JOVIAL) Hellllooo, Bart! Sideshow Bob waves to Bart, who ducks down behind the bushes. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) (TO CECIL) He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times. CECIL (KNOWING) Ahh. INT. CAPE-STYLE RESTAURANT - A FEW DAYS LATER Bob and EDNA KRABAPPEL are sharing an intimate dinner in a booth. SIDESHOW BOB I really must thank you for this moment of tranquillity, Edna. You know, I haven't been on a date in six years. KRABAPPEL Oh, the pleasure's mine, Bob. It's so exciting to be dating a killer SIDESHOW BOB To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone. KRABAPPEL Oh? (LOSING INTEREST) I see ... She spears a piece of asparagus and starts chewing it NEW ANGLE At a table across the restaurant, we see someone reading a "Kid's Menu." It lowers to reveal Bart peering at Bob. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 21. BACK TO SCENE SIDESHOW BOB (TURNING ON THE CHARM) I did once try to kill the world's greatest lover, but then I realized there are laws against suicide. Simultaneously: KRABAPPEL (CHARMED GIGGLE) SIDESHOW BOB (COY CHUCKLE) He takes her hand and leans in for a kiss. KRABAPPEL Oh, you! BART (O.S.) Mrs. Krabappel, nooo! That's Sideshow Bob! Bart runs over and tries to break them up KRABAPPEL (EXASPERATED NOISE) Well, that's the last time I announce my dinner plans in class. Krabappel gets up and leaves the restaurant in a huff. Bob turns angrily to Bart. SIDESHOW BOB (PISSED) That was Edna Krabappel. You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel. I hope you're happy. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 22 BART I won't be happy until I find out what you're up to. Wherever you go and whatever you do, I'll be there watching and waiting. Bart backs away, his eyes locked on Bob. WIGGUM (LEANING OVER FROM NEXT TABLE) He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty quickly SCENE 8 SPRINGFIELD DAM SITE - DAYS LATER - ESTABLISHING Cement mixers shuttle to and from the now partially completed dam, which is holding back water. A construction trailer sits on the overlooking bank. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - CONTINUOUS A frazzled Bob examines blueprints as Cecil enters with a briefcase. CECIL Hello, brother. All's well, I trust? SIDESHOW BOB It most certainly is not. The workmen you've given me don't know their asses from the hole in the ground they accidentally blew yesterday. CECIL Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels CLETUS rushes in in a workman's uniform, PANTING. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 23. CLETUS Mr. Terwillidjer, come quick! There's trouble down to the ce-ment mixers Sir EXT. SPRINGFIELD DAM SITE - TOP OF PARTIALLY COMPLETED DAM Bob, Cletus and Cecil approach a group of SLACK-JAWED CONSTRUCTION WORKERS by a turning cement mixer. CLETUS See, Cousin Merl and me was playin' fetch with Geech, that's our ol' smellhound, and-. We see they're gathered around the concrete-encased form of a dog. COUSIN MERL is petting it brokenheartedly. COUSIN MERL Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwillidjer. SIDESHOW BOB (EXASPERATED) Oh, Cousin Merl, really! CECIL Temper, temper. You know Cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately. SIDESHOW BOB (ON EDGE) I'm telling you, Cecil, I can't take much more of this! Rustic workmen who've turned the SaniJohn into a smokehouse We see black smoke pouring out of the Sanijohn. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) Coveralls that don't quite cover all ... 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 24 The backflap on Merl's coveralls POPS open. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) And a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me. (NOTICES) This little boy right here Bob turns to a large section of pipe hanging from a crane and gives it a push. It rotates, revealing Bart crouching mot ionless inside, glaring out stonily at Bob. The pipe continues to rotate until Bart is once again out of view. SIDESHOW-BOB (CONT'D) (QUIETLY) Sometimes I wish this dam would burst and bury this cursed town. The camera DRIFTS in on Bob's face. EXT. TERWILLIGER APARTMENT - EVENING, A FEW DAYS LATER Bart and Lisa walk into the alleyway next to Bob and Cecil's apartment. Bart stops by the dumpster and-starts to climb in. LISA Hey, you said we were going to Dairy Queen. BART I lied. Now help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues. Then I promise we'll go to the water slide As Bart starts RUMMAGING through the garbage, a shadow falls across the dumpster. (It is that of Bob.) BART & LISA (SCREAMS) 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 25. SIDESHOW BOB You again! (OMINOUS) Well, that's it. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - LATER SCENE 9 Homer and Marge answer a fierce KNOCK to find Bob scowling savagely. SIDESHOW BOB Madam, your children are no more! than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers. WIDEN TO REVEAL he's holding Bart and Lisa by their collars. HOMER Lisa too? SIDESHOW BOB Especially Lisa. But especially Bart. (SUPPRESSING RAGE) If he crosses me one more time, just once more ... well, I can't be held responsible for my actions He drops Bart and Lisa, turns and SLAMS the door HOMER I hope Bob fed you, cause I ate your dinners. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - A MOMENT LATER As Lisa and Bart head into their rooms, Bart looks grim. - 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 26 LISA I know it's hard to accept, Bart, but face it: Sideshow Bob has changed. BART he hasn't. He's more the same than ever. And I know where the evidence There's only one place it could possibly be. LISA Bob's trailer at the construction site? BART That's even better. Let's go there LISA What were you thinking? BART (ASHAMED) The Haunted Mine. EXT. SPRINGFIELD DAM SITE - MIDNIGHT The dam is largely complete; it's holding back water from the gorge. There's a door to its interior near Bob's trailer, some way below the top of the dam. INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - CONTINUOUS Bart and Lisa climb in through an open window, turn on the lights, and start searching haphazardly through the trailer. BART Blueprints ... concrete invoices. construction schedule . 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 27. LISA (DRY) It I didn't know better, I'd swear Bob was building a dam. BART Oh, yeah?' Then explain this! Bart holds up an open briefcase so Lisa can see. LISA (GASPS) Bart, there must be millions of dollars there! BART What is Sideshow Bob doing with The locked doorknob suddenly RATTLES VIOLENTLY. Through the frosted glass of the door window we see Sideshow Bob's silhouette. SIDESHOW BOB (V.0.) (INSANE ROAR OF RAGE) His fist SMASHES through the glass and reaches for the inside knob as we FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 28 ACT THREE FADE IN: SCENE 10 INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - CONTINUOUS Bob enters. Bart and Lisa have vanished SIDESHOW BOB (ANGRY) Who left the lights on?!! Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl? Big Hungry Joe? Bob looks across the room and sees Bart hiding behind a water cooler, his face distorted and greatly magnified by the bottle. BART (TIGHT-LIPPED) I hink he nay have spotted us. The water cooler BURBLES drawing Bob's attention. LISA (O.S.) Run! Lisa and Bart dart out from behind the water cooler and head for the door, Bart grabbing the briefcase. SIDESHOW BOB (GASPS) You two! EXT. DAM SITE - NEAR TRAILER - CONTINUOUS They emerge, Bart still clutching the briefcase, and dash through the door into the dam's interior. Bob chases after them. SIDESHOW BOB Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there! 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 page 29. INT. DAM - CONTINUOUS still Pursued by Bob, Bart and Lisa run along a series of dizzying staircases and catwalks to ... INT. DAM - TURBINE ROOM - CONTINUOUS The room is dominated by three huge hydroelectric TURBINES turned by massive CASCADES of water that collect in a huge drainpipe at the bottom. Bob appears in the doorway. Bart and Lisa are cornered. SIDESHOW BOB Will you children stop tormenting me? I've done nothing wrong. BART Give it up, Bob. We found the money Bart opens the briefcase. SIDESHOW BOB (SHOCKED) Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life. LISA Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it SIDESHOW BOB (BUILDING ANGER) I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore. You want to know what I've been up to? Here's a clue for you, Jack: (GESTURING AROUND HIM) One hundred thousand tons of reinforced concrete uuncreLe 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 30. He BANGS THE WALLS, which EC-') with a WEIRD THUD-CLANG. Then pieces of concrete fall from the ceiling. One large chunk SMASHES open, freeing Cletus's dog, Geech, who BARKS HAPPILY. More walls and part of the ceiling COLLAPSE, revealing the inside of the dam looks like a flimsy Hollywood backdrop. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) (SHOCKED) My God, it's completely hollow What happened to all the concrete? LISA You cut back on building materials and kept all the money for yourself! That's what happened. BART Get 'im Lisa charges toward Bob. He holds her at bay with his hand. SIDESHOW BOB (PLEADING) But I wasn't in charge of the money. Cecil was. Now let's stop bickering and get out of here. This dam could collapse at any minute. CECIL (V.0.) One minute past sunrise, to be precise. SCENE 11 They whirl around to see CECIL standing in the doorway with a gun, tossing a bundle of dynamite and grinning evilly. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 31. CECIL Once I blow up the dam, there'll be no evidence of missing concrete, and I walk away with fifteen million. LISA everyone will know you did this! CECIL (IRONIC) Perhaps. Or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal. You know, the one who's been working at the-dam and has a grudge against Springfield. SIDESHOW BOB Now I know Cousin Merl has had his troubles with the Revenuers, but he's hardly a master crim -- oh, you're referring to me. CECIL Yes, I'm framing you and I'm doing a really excellent job, too. BART He's right, Bob. I'm hearing him confess and I'm still not sure you didn't do it. CECIL the whole thing is classic Sideshow Bob. (SNIDE) Except of course that this plan will work. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 32 SIDESHOW BOB Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of isn't it? CECIL Off the record -- yes. But officially, I did it for the money. Speaking of which... hand it over. Cecil motions with the gun. Bart hands over the briefcase. CECIL (CONT'D) Cecil SLAMS the door. A second later it REOPENS and Cecil pokes his head back in CECIL (CONT'D) I forgot to mention -- I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside. SIDESHOW BOB obviously. Cecil SLAMS the door and BOLTS it. Bart runs over and STRUGGLES with the knob. LISA It's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 33 SIDESHOW BOB (HURT) Oh, I see When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough But when Cecil tries to kill you, it's (MOCKING) "Hopeless, utterly utterly hopeless." (RESOLVED) Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him, I'll have to do it myself Bob runs to-the turbines and JAMS one with a two-by-four, stopping it. As pressure builds up, the beam CREAKS ominously. He leaps to the edge of the huge drainpipe. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) Come on, quickly now! Lisa follows, but Bart hangs back. SIDESHOW BOB (CONT'D) Bart, for once I'm not trying to kill you. I know it's an awkward situation, and I don't like it any more than you do. But you've got to trust me. Bart and Bob share a meaningful look as the CREAKING builds. BART Ah, what the hell. He joins them. Bob tucks one kid protectively under each arm. They take DEEP BREATHS, then Bob leaps into the drainpipe just as the twoby-four SNAPS. The force of the turbine blade and the CASCADING water catapults Bob and the kids downward through the pipe. INT. WATERFILLED DRAINPIPE - CONTINUOUS They shoot excitingly through the pipe. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 34 EXT. DAM - CONTINUOUS - DAWN From outside, we see the water ROARING out of the end of the pipe, which emerges high up the side of the dam. WATER PIPE - CONTINUOUS Bob, Bart and Lisa HURTLE toward the mouth of the pipe Daylight looms beyond. BART/LISA/SIDESHOW BOB (UNDERWATER BUBBLY SCREAM) Suddenly, they SLAM to a halt, lodged against a filter grate at the mouth of the pipe. Bob struggles upwards, unscrews a circular pressure hatch, and drags the kids up into ... DAM - MACHINERY ROOM - CONTINUOUS Covered with leaves and crud, they clamber to safety, CHOKING. BART (COUGHS WATER, THEN) Let's go again! Let's go again! LISA (HORRIFIED) No! SIDESHOW BOB (IMPATIENT) Come on, children Let's go thwart my brother! TOP OF DAM - CONTINUOUS Cecil backs up along the top of the dam, UNSPOOLING, a wire behind him and carrying a dynamite plunger under his arm. He stops to anchor the wire around a railing post, then continues on. The sun rises over Springfield far below. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 35 CECIL SINGING) I'm on the / top of the world, looking / down on creation, and the / only explanation I can find Boo-boo-boo SCENE 12 EXT. DAM - BY CONSTRUCTION TRAILER - A MOMENT LATER Bob and Lisa crawl along a catwalk toward the dynamite, which Cecil has placed near the center (top) of the dam. Bob cautiously begins to examine the dynamite package. LISA Um, do you know what you're doing? SIDESHOW BOB (SUPERIOR) Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a few things about dynamite. EXT. DAM OVERLOOK - CONTINUOUS Cecil now stands a safe distance from the dam. CECIL Plunger? Check. Hardhat? Check. (PUTS ON HARDHAT) Fifteen million dollars and a gun? (OPENS CASE) Check-mate. Goodbye, Bob. Meanwhile, we see Bart circling around to hide in the bushes above. Cecil grabs the dynamite plunger and is about to press it, when suddenly, Bart leaps onto his shoulders chicken-fight-style, covering his eyes, pawing at his hair', etc. BART Guess who! 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 3( CECIL Maris?! Bart grabs Cecil's hardhat and starts BONKING him with it Cecil swats at Bart with the suitcase, which flies open; the gun sails over the edge, followed by the money, which blows away and FLUTTERS down the face of the dam. CECIL (CONT'D) (MOAN OF RAGE AND DESPAIR; THEN: Shoot! FOOT OF DAM - CONTINUOUS The gun falls in front of a small house by the river bank where HANS MOLEMAN is trimming a hedge. Then the cash RAINS down on him in a huge pile. He pokes up through it MOLEMAN (LOOKS UP) Thank you, God! (POINTS GUN AT SKY) Now hand over the rest of it. Nice and easy. Moleman points the gun at the sky and motions with his other hand. One more bill FLUTTERS down. MOLEMAN (CONT'D) That' s it EXT. CENTER OF DAM CONTINUOUS Bob and Lisa are working on the dynamite with pliers. LISA Bob, look! points to the struggle going on on the far bank EXT. OBSERVATION POST - CONTINUOUS Bart continues to cling to Cecil's head in an effort to hold on. Cecil's head jerks up and his eyes go mad. In a maniacal BURST OF RAGE, Cecil overpowers Bart and lifts him high overhead. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 37 CECIL At last, I'm going to do what Bob never could -- kill Bart Simpson! BART By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you? CECIL (ABACK) Ooh, I suppose it is. He lowers Bart, then promptly lifts him overhead again. CECIL CONT'D Heh. If anyone asks, I'll lie. He hurls Bart over the edge of the dam BART (TRAILING SCREAM) EXT. CENTER OF DAM - CONTINUOUS LISA (GASP) Bart! Bob sees Bart falling, grabs the dynamite pack, and leaps off his perch. Swinging on the wires, he arcs down across the face of the dam just in time to catch Bart. Bart slips out of his grip, but grabs Bob's ankles. They dangle, hundreds of feet above the ground. Their weight yanks the plunger away from Cecil's safe overlook. It slides across the top of the dam and LODGES in the railing post, causing Bob and Bart to lurch down another fifty feet. SIDESHOW BOB & BART (SCREAMS) Far above, Cecil's maniacal face appears over the railing with the plunger. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 38. SIDESHOW BOB (SHOCKED) Cecil! CECIL And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears Fortunately you'll be nowhere near them. (STARTS TO PRESS PLUNGER) BART (TO BOB) I guess this is it. Thanks anyway. SIDESHOW BOB You know, I could snip the wires. We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town. (HOLDS WIRE-CUTTERS TO WIRES) Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble? BART Do we have to? SIDESHOW BOB Yes. Bob SNIPS the wires with his pliers. He, Bart and the dynamite plummet down the face of the dam. SIDESHOW BOB & BART (LONG SCREAM, DEEP BREATH, LONG SCREAM) At the last second, Bob SLAMS crotch first into a long, protruding pipe projecting from the dam. SIDESHOW BOB (VERY PAINED SOUND) 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 39 Bob reddens in pain, then slowly rotates 180 degrees around the pipe so Bart, who is still holding onto his legs, is elevated. Bart reaches for a nearby catwalk and yanks himself onto it, then helps Bob to safety as well. MUSIC: CLIMACTIC STING SIDESHOW BOB you saved my life, Bart. BART Yeah... I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh? SIDESHOW BOB *(SINISTER) Oh, I don't know about that. (OFF BART'S LOOK) Joking! Joking! They start climbing up a series of inset rungs. In the background we hear approaching police SIRENS. EXT. DAM OVERLOOK - A LITTLE LATER SCENE 13 Cop cars are parked along the overlook. Eddie and Lou are handcuffing Cecil. Bob, Bart and Lisa are standing nearby. SIDESHOW BOB (RE-READ) You've brought shame to this family, Cecil. Oh, I don't relish having to write the Christmas letter this year. CECIL I to read it. You know, Bob, all this time I thought you were a bungler, but destroying a city is far tougher I thought. Wiggum DRIVES UP and gets out of his car LOU Here's your man, Chief. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 40. WIGGUM Cecil? I think not. This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob. LISA No, Chief, Bob's innocent! It's the truth! WIGGUM The truth, huh? That sounds like the testimony of crazy old Lisa Simpson. Uh, Cecil just voluntarily confessed, Chief. WIGGUM That's some good work, Lou. You'll make sergeant for this. Uh, I already am a sergeant, Chief. WIGGUM Perhaps you are. But I say Bob goes back to jail. Wiggum SLAPS cuffs on Sideshow Bob. SIDESHOW BOB But surely- I mean, I caught Cecil ... WIGGUM Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 41. LOU No I didn't, Chief WIGGUM Quiet, Lou. Or I will bust you down to sergeant so fast it'll make your head spin. Bart turns to look out over Springfield BART Heh, funny, isn't it, Lis? Those people down there have no idea how close they came to complete destruction. PAN DOWN to the face of the dam. A thin crack forms, then the entire dam COLLAPSES, unleashing a COLOSSAL TORRENT of water that shoots through the gorge and towards town. EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - A MOMENT LATER Homer exits the house. HOMER Marge, I'm going to look for the kids He turns to see a giant wall of water SURGING down the street. HOMER (CONT'D) (SHORT SCREAM) Homer dashes back inside the house. INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS Homer quickly SLAMS THE DOOR and PANTS IN TERROR as we hear the water RUMBLE past. After a beat, HE OPENS the door. Outside on the lawn is a wet bed containing RALPH WIGGUM. Ralph sits up and looks at Homer. 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 42 RALPH I think I wet my bed. MEANWHILE - BACK AT THE OVERLOOK Eddie and Lou put Bob and Cecil into a police car. As it begins to pull away, Bob turns back to the crowd. SIDESHOW BOB But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives I'm a hero! CECIL (SOTTO) Tell them they'll live to regret this SIDESHOW BOB You'll live to regret this! (TO CECIL) Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy. The car DRIVES AWAY. WIGGUM There they go. Two criminal geniuses, locked away together .... Who knows what diabolical scheme they might concoct? SMASH CUT TO: INT. SPRINGFIELD PRISON - SMALL CELL - ONE WEEK LATER The cell door SLAMS shut on a grim Bob and Cecil; a guard walks away. They immediately race for the top bunk and, SPUTTERING, start wrestling over it. SIDESHOW BOB (TEETH CLENCHED) But I'm older I get the top bunk! 4F14 FINAL 4 1/28/97 Page 43 CECIL (TEETH CLENCHED) Oh, poppycock! I called it at the arraignment! Bob shoves Cecil down onto the floor; Cecil lands with a THUD. Bob hops victoriously up onto the top bunk. Cecil gets up and DUSTS HIMSELF OFF. CECIL (CONT'D) (CHIPPER) So ... when do they bring us the menus? FADE OUT: THE END