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"If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses"
-Lenny Bruce


Christianity and capitalism, its a great combination. Theyíve been a successful duo for over a thousand years, back when the priests could save you from hell, for a price. The Church knew how to get the job done when it came to making money. Nowadays itís not just a soul-saving business. Jesus is such a marketable guy that he is the inspiration for a myriad of worthless products. The one item that I personally enjoy the most is that damn WWJD band. What a concept, you can support your savior and make a fashion statement at the same time! Maybe instead of just sporting that gay apparel, you should actually sit down and ask yourself that very question: What would Jesus do? If his life were any indicator, he would probably lie, manipulate, and get his sorry ass crucified. It's funny how this guy is revered as the great martyr who died on the cross. The cross is immediately identified with him like the light bulb with Thomas Edison. It's not like he was the only one to get nailed up there; the Romans crucified everybody back then. Haven't these people ever seen Spartacus? Now that's a guy I can admire. He led a slave uprising and revolted against the Roman nobility. He terrorized the coast for months before they finally took him down. There should be wristbands saying WWSD. All Jesus did was lay the foundation for some stupid religion. David Koresh did the same thing; why don't you guys add him to the top of your role model list? Besides, it's not exactly a tough goal to follow in Jesusí footsteps. If you really want to be like him you should form a cult too. Make sure every single facet of your religion contradicts the facts of science and you will be well on your way to emulating your precious Savior. For those of you Christians who want to be a latter-day saint but donít possess the intelligence, (All of you) Iíve taken the liberty of creating a to-do list. You can mark off each objective as you go.
  1. First you have to borrow the beliefs of another religion; the way Christians took the Old Testament. It would take too long to come up with your own creation myths anyway. You might as well take the Bible.
  2. The next step would be to gain some disciples. This isn't as hard as it may seem. The world is full of idiots like you, just act friendly and you will have your apostles in no time. When all this has been done, everyone will probably ridicule you. Don't worry, just look at your wristband and ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?Ē
  3. Now you have to rebel against the elders of Christianity; and while you're at it you can proclaim yourself the son of God. Maybe you're Jesus' younger brother or something. Don't forget to relate the miraculous story of your virgin mother giving birth, which makes it even more believable. (Wouldn't Joseph be a little suspicious that his "virgin" wife was pregnant? They didn't tolerate adultery too well in those days.)
  4. Your final step is to be executed for blasphemy, which the Christian churches would be happy to help you with. The government would have no problem with it, considering the vile Christian elite has them in their pocket. It might be some kind of Waco incident that befalls you, who knows how they'll pull it off. In any case, the modern world is no place for a Jesus of Nazareth. How long would it have been before they committed that fool? If you can avoid that fate, then you will be able to achieve your goal of sweet, sweet death. In your last dying moments, look down at the letters WWJD, and know that you have done your duty.
  5. If everything goes well, maybe your disciples will report a vision of your resurrection in a couple of days. It's pretty likely, a lot of people have reported seeing visions of deceased loved ones, and science has proven it to be true. They're called dreams.
For those of you who donít want to follow these steps, all I can say is that you are not abiding by the principles of Jesus. Your all-loving God may understand your plight, or he may sentence you to an eternity of pain in the dark pits of Hell. If this is the case, just grin and bear it, and ask yourself that wonderful question. What would Jesus do?

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