The South
To be frank, I find these people
anything but deep.
I was in Birmingham, Alabama, working in
a small
comedy club called I Don't Get It.
-- Dennis Miller
Nice people down South. They take their
guns
seriously. We passed a pickup truck. It
had a bumper
sticker: "Guns Don't Kill People, I
do!"
-- Jon Haymen
For a black man, there's no difference
between the
North and the South. In the South they
don't mind
how close I get so long as I don't get
too big; in
the North they don't mind how big I get
so long as I
don't get too close.
-- Dick Gregory
People down South are incredibly polite.
Even their
war was civil.
-- Dudley Moore
In the South my grandmother used to tell
me, "Hey,
James Wesley, put down that
wheelbarrow--you know
you doesn't know anything about
machinery."
-- James Wesley Jackson
Three men were talkin' about a new
scheme, and one
of them was an engraver. He said,
"I can make a batch of money, and
we'll pass it
out and get rich."
He showed up with the money--all
eighteen-dollar bills.
The other guys said, "You must be
nuts!
Nobody'll take an eighteen-dollar bill."
He said, "Don't get excited. I know
where we
can get rid of 'em--down in Tennessee."
They said, "Well, come on, let's go
get rid of
'em fast."
They drove down to the mountains of
Tennessee
and they pulled up to a filling station
in
front of a little country grocery
store. The
owner came out and said, "Y'all wanna
get something?" They said, "Yeah,
fill it up
with Hi-Test, boy."
The guy filled it up and said,
"Anything else?"
One of them got out an
eighteen-dollar bill and
popped it a few times and said, "
You got change for that?" The
country boy
looked it over a few times, popped it a
couple of times, and said, "Hell
yes. Whaddya
want, three sixes or two nines?"
-- The Duke of Paducah (Whitey Ford)
I love those slow-talking Southern
girls. I was out
with a Southern girl last night, took
her so long to
tell me she wasn't that kind of girl,
she was.
-- Woody Woodbury
They talk about people "relating" to
each other ...
Relating? Me being from Macon, Georgia,
"relating"
means dating your cousin.
-- Blake Clark
I was in Tennessee and they hated me.
They knew I
came in from California. A guy stood up
and said,
"At least here in Tennessee we don't
drive all over
our freeways and shoot and kill people!"
I said,
"No, but you should."
-- Pam Stone
A hillbilly boy married a hillbilly girl
and went on
a honeymoon. They were supposed to stay
two weeks,
but they didn't stay two weeks, they
stayed one
night. The next day the hillbilly boy
came back up
to his pappy's cabin. His pappy said,
"Hey, boy,
where's your woman?" He said, "I shot
her, Paw." He
said," You shot her? What fer?" The boy
said, "She
were a virgin, Paw." He said, " I don't
blame ya,
boy, if she ain't good enough for her
folks, she
ain't good enough for us!"
-- Dave Turner
The hottest day I ever lived
through--Monday,
Memorial Day. When I was a boy in
Kershaw, South
Carolina, I remembered how good it was
to swim in
the creek. So I took my clothes off,
hung 'em on a
bush, and dived into the creek. I was
really
enjoying myself, but all of a sudden I
heard a bunch
of girls giggling. They grabbed my
clothes and run
with 'em! I got to scramblin' around in
the creek
and my hand finally come across a big
ol' dishpan. I
just held it up in front of me, and I
took off after
'em. I run eight blocks, right down the
main street
of Gatlinburg, and I finally caught up
with 'em. And
I run up to the ringleader and I said,
"Young lady,
do you know what I think? Do you know
what I think?"
She said, "Yes, I know what you think.
You think
there's a bottom in that dishpan!"
-- Ralph Smith
They laugh at us up North, they say
we're ignorant.
Of course, we realize it. They laugh at
us.
They say at nine, ten o'clock at night
we're home in
bed. That's all right, two o'clock in
the morning
they're still searchin' for it.
-- Brother Dave Gardner
You might be a redneck if:
You consider a six-pack of beer and
a bug
zapper quality entertainment.
If you honest to God think women
are turned on
by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
If your dad walks you to school
because you're
in the same grade.
If everybody you meet can tell what
kind of
underwear you're wearing.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been
destroyed
by a ceiling fan.
If your family tree does not
fork.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
There are two kinds of guys in the
South--good ol'
boys and rednecks. The difference is,
good ol' boys
may raise livestock, rednecks get
emotionally
involved.
-- Blake Clark
We was out visiting Uncle Ronnie
Ledbetter, and my
brother and I like to have had a heart
attack. There
was a hog out there in a pen--with a
wooden peg leg.
And my brother said, " Uncle Ronnie,
what in the
world is that hog doin' with a wooden
peg leg? Why
has he got a peg leg?" And the man said,
"Sonny,
that's the most wonderful hog in the
world. My house
was burning about a year ago, and that
hog rescued
the baby, got the baby out, saved its
life.
We love that hog, that hog's just like a
member of
our family. And a year before that, a
little boy was
drowning down at the baptizin' hole in
the river,
and that hog jumped in that river and
grabbed him
and rescued him. And that hog's like a
member of my
family. We love that hog!" My brother
said, "Yeah,
but you still ain't told me why he's got
a wooden
peg leg." And Uncle Ronnie said, "Sonny,
you just
don't eat a hog that wonderful but one
ham at a
time."
-- Jerry Clower
There were two nice-lookin' fellers
standing next to
me, and one of them said to the other,
"You know, I
believe I recognize her. That's that --
Minnie
Pearl. She's been down there at the
Grand Ol' Opry
for 175 years." He said, "She carries on
like she's
from the country. I bet she's not from
the country.
I bet she don't know a goose from a
gander." I
turned around and I said, "Well, at
Grinder's Switch
we don't worry about that. We just put
them all out
there together and let 'em figure it out
for
themselves."
-- Minnie
Pearl
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