Leroy done bought a pig from Pappy. He only give $30.00 dollars fer hit. Pappy gonna let him make payments of $10.00 dollars a week fer six weeks so he will get hit paid fer pretty quick. Pappy sez as how he aint gonna charge no interest seeing as how he am family and all. Leroy sey am one of the prettiest pigs as he done ever seed, got little horns and wears a little bell so you always no where hit am. I reckon it is might odd that that pig am got fur, but ifin Pappy sez am a pig hit must be cause pappy knows bout such things

Course I am put in the mine of the time we all went a huntin fer coon's . Pappy was a leading the way and me and cuz we were in the back a funin around. Well old Blue Pappy's favorite hound dawg started a baying and was hot on the trail of somthing fer sho. Me and Leroy we lit out after him and ran through the woods like a painter was after us. Pretty soon we come up on this here big oak tree and Old Blue was a yelping like there was no tomorrow. Directly here comes Pap and the other gentlemens what could not walk fast.(causing they were drunk and all). Any how Pappy walk round dat tree and he sez one of you boys gotta shimmy up dat dare tree and shake dat coon outta der. Well Leroy being the lightest He jump fer the chance and up dat tree he went in a flash. Pretty soon we hears Leroy holler down and he seyz Pappy dont a coon pose to have a tail. Well Pappy was a couple sheets in the wind so he holler back up jest shake the dang thang down boy.Leroy lows as how hit done got dark up in dat tree and he cant see all dat good. Pappy who am always a thinking sez as how he will tie a lantern to a limb and raise hit up where Leroy can see. Poor pappy get right under dat tree and Leroy comes ince to shakeing that branch and out falls this here big old Bobcat right on Pappy's head, now I dont know which was de scaredest but Pappy did some of the finest dancing you done ever seen a man do. Look like a time or two that Bobcat was a gonna win but then Pappy would just make a quick turn and dey would go fer it agin. One of my cuzin lowed as how we outta shoot that Bobcat, but we was fraid as how that might make Pappy mad seeing as how he never was one to tolerate any body mettleing in his bussinnes. Anyway pretty soon Old Blue see his chance and jumps right square in the middle of the rukus. Deys was one more af a fight going on but po cuz up in dat tree got cited and fell down right on top of ebverbody. Dat kinda broke the whole mess up. Course Pappy was fond of seying that he dang near had that Bobcat whooped but tween you and me I think the Bobcat was a winning.

Well Sir Seems that one night po cuzin Leroy fooled round in town a little late and had to walk home. Now jest pass the forks in the road is a old grave yard that all the local folks seys am haunted. Here goes Leroy walking home when all of a sudden he done noticed it was near on to midnight. Now anybody in their right mind knows that them haints like to come out bout this here time. Leroy he starts to whistle cause they am a rule that seyz a ghost cant get ya ifin you whistle. Anyhow, bout the time poor old cuz gets even with dat grave yard he hears the most terrible moaning he done ever heard in his life. (seems as how a couple was a having a good time, course he dont know this). Leroy decides that he am gonna run fer it. He opens up as fast as he can run. Now in these here parts country boys dont wear no underwear and no shirt jest their overalls. Seems that one of his gallus came loose and flew over his shoulder and patted his behind. Well Sir poor cuz thought it was the ghost a teching him so he really open up, he was running as fast as he could. That dang gallus has got a metal buckle on the end of it and it slid down his backside, all he could feel was the cold of the metal. Needless to say he really out done himself and he was really in a all out run. All the dawgs comes inch to a barking and poor old Pappy picked that time to open the front door. Leroy ran right up pappy's chest, done a dance on his head and ran down his backside. Pappy was not sure jest what in tarnation that was that done him in that night but from then on, drunk or sober Pappy always stood to one side when he open the door, And cuz was always home by Ten or you wouldnot see him to the next day.

Unkle Zeek decides dat the thing two do is borrow pappy's old mule and ride hit down dare. Dat way dey kould find hit write easy when dey was all drunk and time to light out fer home. Now I kin tell ya Cuzin he thinks dat am bout de best idea dat Unkle ever comes up with.

Very next weekend here dey go off to 'Lanta a ridin dat mule. When dey get to the ball game dey rides write through dat gate and ties dat old mule up next to a sign. Dey was a smiling to der selves how smart dey am. Into de ball game dey goes and starts to get drunk write away.

Long bout 1:00 in da morning dey decides dey will leave a bit early and beats all dat crowd and out de door dey goes into the parking lot. Well Sir dey sho was shocked when dey see bout ten dang mules all tied up where dey done tied pappy's mule. Cuzin Leroy most near started crying he was so mad seyz he "How in tarnation are weuns every gonna find our mule". Unkle Zeek he starts a grinning and seyz "Taint no need to carry on so fer I think I knows how we kin find our mule". Unkle Zeek he walks up behind de first mule and raises hits tail and he sings out "Dis here aint our mule". He does de same thang with the next two mules. Poor ole Cuzin cznt stands it no longer and seyz he "Unkle Zeek why am ya looking at dem mules butts". Seys Unkle Zeek "Now shush up boy, when we comes in da gate dat gate keeper seyz look at dem two assholes on dat mule, all we gotta do is find dat opne and hit is ourn">

Well Sir seems dat cuzin Leroy most dang near got what was shot da otter dey. Us folks dont has no indoor outhouse up here where weuns am from. Po Old Pappy dun got himself a case of da Tennessee quick step. His innards was carring on sumthin ferious and he dun had to went real bad. It was dun gettin dark outside and he sho hate to go all da way down to da out house which am near da graveyard.

Finally da pain dun gets da better of him and off he set at a fast trot. Well bout da time po pappy dun gets all seated down dis here woodpecker comes inch to pecking on da side of dat out house. Pappy sings out give me a few minutes I gots to go bad. Well dat woodpecker jest goes back to pecking. Pappy hollers git away from here I is taking care of bussiness. Now dat old woodpecker jest keeps on to a peckin and Pappy am getting madder and madder.

Pappy starts to really cussing up a storm den ya hear he throw duh sears and rareback gainst duh wall. Out comes pappy mad as a old wet hen, his drawers was hanging loose and he looks eber where to see who dat am a knocking. Course he dont see no body causing dat old wood pecker dun flew off to him house. Well now Pappy gets to thinking dat maybe am a ghost what dun came a knocking since he dont see nobody. Back to da house goes Pappy in a dead run and grabs hisin shotgun, den quick as wink he run back to da outhouse. Meanwhile cuzin Leroy done has to take his turn and dare he is sitting on dat two holer when Pappy snatch dat door open. Needless to say scared cuzin so bad dat he finished what he was doing rite dare, and pappy thinks he sees a haint cause cuzin face am so white and he squeeze of both barrels and messed his drawers to boot.

And dat am duh reason ifin ya eber go to da outhouse after dark ya dont mess with yo