The following was written in response to a newsgroup question (on alt.wedding) from a Spanish bride wanting to incorporate some American traditions into her wedding. After looking through some catalogs from American wedding vendors, she wanted to learn more about the unity candle ceremony, flowergirls and what they do, the bride's garter, wedding bubbles, and the proverbial "sixpence in your shoe," and whether she had to include them in her wedding day planning. The simple answer? You don't have to include anything in your wedding unless you want to!
First thing's first: don't panic!! The good news is that most of the traditions you have mentioned are optional. The most "traditional" sense of an American wedding would have a garter and a flower girl, but the other things you mentioned are not done universally. Actually, nowadays, the garter and flower girl are not done universally either. It's looking like I will have neither.
First of all, the sixpence in your shoe. This is from a rhyme, "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, [and a sixpence for your shoe.]" The sixpence part I put in brackets because it's often overlooked. Something old is supposed to represent your past, your family and old life, and keeping with tradition. This could be a piece of jewelry that belonged to a grandparent, a handkerchief that your mother has had since she got married, or even the dress, if it is a family heirloom. Anything old, preferably from your family, will work. The something new represents your new life together. Anything that you wear or carry on your wedding day that was purchased just for the wedding (or very recently) is fine. This could be your dress, your engagement ring, etc. Something borrowed...I can't remember clearly what this represents...maybe it was something like relying on others, or the community helping you in your new life, or your friendships with others, or something like that. Anyway this can be anything borrowed that you wear or carry and usually would come from a friend. Maybe earrings or something like that. Something blue...blue is supposed to represent divine protection as well as fidelity and I think I read somewhere that it also represents the Virgin Mary? I'm sure there are other meanings too. The something blue can be anything...a lot of women will have their garter in blue, or wear blue lingerie, or something else that is out of sight. The sixpence in your shoe (finally! I'm getting to the point!
Second, the unity candle. This is a part of the ceremony and represents the uniting of the two families. Like I said, this is completely up to you. It's not at all universal in American weddings. I am choosing to do the unity candle ceremony because I like the symbolism. You have one central pillar candle, that represents you and your fiance's marriage and new life together. Then you have two taper candles, and these represent you and your fiance (separately). Usually I think you would either have his mother light his candle and your mother light yours, or you could have both of your parents each take a lit taper and light yours and the same for your fiance. This represents the families that created you, or maybe your family passing on the traditions of earlier generations to you, or something like that. Then you and your fiance each take the lit taper that represents you individually and simultaneously light the larger pillar candle. This represents starting a new life together by combining the pasts and traditions of both families to start a new family.
There's a bit of controversy about whether you should then blow out your taper candles. It's up to you. If you choose to blow them out, this means that you are now united and you cannot be separated again. If you choose to leave them lit, this means that while you are united together in marriage, you are still individuals. Mike and I are having our mothers light our candles, because his father and mother can't stand each other, much less stand next to each other and do something together. We haven't decided yet whether we will leave the tapers lit or blow them out. To be quite honest, I'm not really worried about it. I like the symbolism of both about equally.
Next is the garter. I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to represent as the bride wears it. Maybe it doesn't represent anything, and was originally worn just to hold the stockings up. At the end of the reception, when the bride would traditionally throw the bouquet (and the single woman who catches it is said to be the "next to marry"), the groom would then take the garter off the bride's leg and throw it to the single men. The man who catches it is said to be the next to marry. He would traditionally then put the garter on the leg of the woman who caught the bouquet. A lot of people don't like that, though, because this man and woman might not know each other, and might feel strange about him touching her thigh like that. Plus she might feel weird about hiking up her skirt in front of everyone. Someone posted a suggestion not too long ago that you might have the man who catches the garter just wear it on his arm, and share a dance with the woman who catches the bouquet. Or, if you like, you can skip the whole tossing bit. I think a lot of couples do that now. We probably will because my bridesmaids all said they would be embarassed to be expected to stand there and vie for the bouquet as if they desperately need to find a husband. Plus one said she would be totally humiliated if some man touched her thigh like that in front of everyone. Since it wasn't that important to me, I decided to skip it.
The flower girl...you don't really need one, unless you just want to have one. I am not having one because we are having adults only at our ceremony and reception. Plus I don't really know any little girls that I am close to. If you decide to have one, you would usually choose someone that is close to you or your fiance or your families. She should probably be no younger than about 5 or 6, but it depends on the maturity of the child. Remember, she will be in the procession, so think how she might act when she walks into the church (or wherever your ceremony will be) and sees all these people there, most of them staring at her. She may run to her mother, cry and refuse to walk out there, or sit down on the floor and hide her face. Or she may not do anything unusual at all.
What is she supposed to do? Traditionally she would sprinkle flower petals on the aisle so that when you walk out, you will walk on the flower petals. In ancient times, this was done for royalty. I think they were too good to just walk on the regular ground and their passing had to be celebrated by laying down a path of beautiful scented petals. So it's kind of like you're royalty. There may be some other symbolism I'm not aware of also. Well, the first problem is that flower petals are slippery. And many brides just don't want slippery on the place where they'll be walking in these (often) high-heeled shoes and big heavy dress, with everyone standing to stare at them. A solution to this is to have the flower girl sprinkle the petals to either side of the walkway. But she may forget in all the excitement or she may just not understand. A second problem is that many flower girls goof up the tossing the petals thing. They may throw out big fistfuls. They may use up all the petals by the time they're halfway down the aisle. Or they may forget to throw them at all. I have even heard of an overzealous flower girl who walked a few steps down and then turned the basket over and emptied all the petals in one big pile. To solve this and the previous problem, many couples nowadays choose to just have the flower girl carry a small bouquet or basket arrangement of flowers. Instead of heralding royalty, the flower girl position is usually now just a way to honor a little girl who is special to the couple or their families.
Next up: wedding bubbles. This isn't even a tradition, but rather a new twist on an old tradition. In the olden days, as my mom used to say, when brides and grooms would leave the reception at the end of the night, they would come out the door and their guests would be gathered all around on the sides of the walkway, and would throw rice at them. I'm not really sure what the rice represents. I guess it's being showered with luck or something like that. I'm sure someone will post and list all the symbolism I've gotten wrong!! Anyway, the problem is that rice is left all over the ground and when birds (or other animals) eat it, it absorbs moisture inside their bodies and expands, killing them. I also knew a man once who was deaf in one ear, because on his wedding day a piece of rice lodged in his ear and he lost his hearing in that ear. So next they went to rose petals. This is nice. You have to ask if the place where you're going to be allows it, because sometimes there are worries that the petals might contain some kind of plant sickness or pest that will hurt the landscaping there. Also I think I read somewhere that those rose petals can stain. Which is a bad thing for a white dress that might have cost you hundreds of dollars. Next they came up with the butterfly release. This can be bad because it releases all these live butterflies into the environment, where they are not a native insect. This could mess up the ecosystem locally, if they don't have any natural predators in that area or if they can't find any appropriate food or something like that. So that leaves bubbles. They're nice. And I don't think they hurt anything. If they do we're sure to read a hundred responses telling me so!! :o) The last alternative is to use nothing at all and just have people cheer as you go by. Oh, I forgot, there is one more alternative. That's little wedding bells that you give to your guests so that they can ring them, making a "joyful noise" that celebrates your departure.
Research other wedding traditions at Amazon.com!
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Anna mrs_colley@hotmail.com
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