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Child of the Darkness

I look through the darkness,

I look at the world.

Itís events come to me in deep, murky swirls.

I remember the sadness,

I remember the joy.

My thoughts bring him back to one little boy.

He grew up too fast,

He grew up too quick.

He canít remember the times when a sword was a stick.

His childhood came,

His childhood went.

He canít remember if the time was well spent.

He cries in the darkness,

He cries for the past.

He wishes he hadnít tried to grow up so fast.

The darkness surrounds him,

The darkness holds tight.

He fights at itís grip with all of his might.

I look back on time,

I look back and see.

I remember him now, this boy is me.


Is It All An Act?

Is my whole life an act? Do I just dress this way to cover up what Iím like on the inside? I know this is how I want to look, but why do I want to look this way? With the leather, chains, spikes, and studs I look like Iíd be one of the meanest people around, but on the inside Iím weak and shy. I can hardly talk on the phone Iím so reticent.

I keep my feelings to myself and donít tell people what I experience on the inside. I avoid people, events, movies, and social functions because I donít like to be around groups of people. It takes me a long time to get to know others because I keep to myself so much. If I like a girl it takes weeks, even months, for me to tell her because I fear rejection so much. I can flirt with girls and have fun hanging out with them but when it comes to telling one how I feel I hit a brick wall. nine times out of ten the girl ends up making the first move because I have such a low amount of confidence. By looking at me and seeing how I dress youíd think I have a lot of confidence, but on the inside Iím just a shy, teen with low self-esteem. So, for this reason, I have to ask, ĎIs it all an act?í


Alone

I feel so alone. I only have one good friend here, and the rest live at least an hours drive away. I canít make friends or get a girlfriend, and I have to wonder if itís my fault. . .

I try so hard to be me. . . to be myself that I push others away, I donít go to social functions, I donít participate in activities, and Iím naturally anti-social. And I wonder why Iím so alone? No, those canít be the reasons because if that were the answer why canít I find very many friends online? I tell people the internet is my life, but my life there isnít any better than here.

All I want is a girl I can cuddle with and talk to, is that too much to ask? All Iíve ever wanted is some one who understands me, some one I can confide in.

I spent all that time in ďPeer HelpersĒ and ďThe Student Support TeamĒ learning to help others and, in truth, I canít even help myself.

There is such an emptiness inside of me that it hurts, I have to do something, but I donít know what. Hopefully Iíll figure it out soon because being the Wayward Soul is tearing me apart. . I feel so alone it hurts.


Thoughts

Too many thoughts, too many problems, too much of everything and yet not enough. My life feels like an empty void. I am one, lone person surrounded endlessly by nothing.

Few friends, no job, no activities, all love is to me right now is a cruel joke. I donít know what to do, I donít know where I am in life.

So many plans but not enough time to do anything, yet I have so much spare time I spend it doing nothing.

My life is an enigma that I canít figure out. How can oneís life be so much and so little at once?

I try to reach out of the void for the comfort of another but all I pull back is more of the darkness that surrounds me. If anyone hears these pleas help me.

My time in the darkness is taking its toll, my search for myself has left my life empty, all I have are my thoughts and the riddles that come with them. . .


Still Wandering

At last I feel as if I have found my inner-self, with the start of the Camist Bible I have set my beliefs, and I feel comfortable with how I look. Yet, I must continue to be the Wayward Soul.

Though I have found myself I have left life behind, while wandering I took to total anti-social behavior so I have few friends. Now, I must wander in search of the life I lost, but I do not believe I will find it here.

Now as the Wayward Soul I must venture into the real world rather than into myself. I must, once again, discover the joy of life, if it exists. Hopefully I will be able to obtain that which I seek and still keep a firm grip on inner-self.

So, now I still wander as the Wayward Soul, but this time I have a different goal I must acquire.


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Email: cayral@yahoo.com