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My Personal Thoughts

Pen-notes of a Wayward Soul

I was like them once; fitting in, having fun with the ďinĒ crowd. I spent many years of my childhood following the people I thought were ďcool.Ē I was like a lamb being led to slaughter.

No matter what the style was or what I had to do I wanted to be ďcool.Ē No matter the cost. I made some bad choices and got into trouble before I realized the truth.

One day, like a slap in the face, I truly understood. It didnít matter what I did, what I wore, or even who I hung around with. If I stood up for my own beliefs and followed my heart I would always be ďcool.Ē because I was me.

Now I dress how I want to and stand up for what I believe in. Being one of the ďinĒ no longer I am often mocked and ridiculed by some and understood by few.

ĎOf course,í people say, Ďhe has moral courage.Ē but would they ever spend a day living my life? NO! Most of them are too caught up in being who everyone wants them to be to live their lives for themselves.

So, in the end those such as me are a rare breed. Everyone is different in certain ways, but it is the ones who truly strive to be themselves that will rule the day.


It is unsafe for me to be out. My kind is not welcome here. . . My kind? What am I saying? I donít have a kind, Iím a mix of kinds. Iím part punk, part Goth, even a little bit of a skater, but mostly Iím in the ďI donít careĒ group.

I look different so I am outcast by many. Some people look down upon me, but I donít care. All I want is to be me.

Yet few accept me and fewer still understand me. Only a handful of my friends are even close to understanding me. Mostly people outcast me because of my dyed and spiked hair, my chains, spikes, and all black clothing they donít accept the way I look because they see me as a bad person when Iím not. At least I donít try to be.

If people would take the time to get past my looks and see the inner me they would better understand me. They would find that Iím really a kind and gentle person, I donít want any trouble, though I may not look it. Alas, few even try to get past my looks and it pains me to know that I am part of a race that judges people by their looks and not by who they truly are.

Many people look at me and think ďWhatís his problem?Ē or ďAre his parents crazy?Ē I am writing this because I believe if we keep thinking this way we will destroy ourselves. Sure, I look different and act different, but if people just took their time and got to know me they would find Iím a lot like them, Iím a nice person and not what they may think.

I donít ask them to change do I? no, of course not. Then why must they ask me to change? We are all in the human race and we should be able to accept one another despite how we look. All I am asking for is some acceptance, which with the way things are going Ií fear Iíll never get.

Iím not only talking about the differences in clothing or styles Iím also talking about differences in color. No matter our style, nationality, creed, or skin color we should be able to accept and at least try to understand one another. I hope someday we will reach this but maybe I am just hoping too much.

To all who read this I ask that you try to get past someoneís differences and look deeper, see them for who they truly are and strive to find your common interests so that we can make this world a healthier place.

Now that I have said what I wanted to I hope that you can try to get past someoneís looks, but if you cannot I only want you to remember one final word. . . . ACCEPTANCE.

Misery Loves Company (Or is Company What Misery Needs?)

People say, ĎMisery loves company.í Thatís because most of the time misery is miserable because of loneliness. no matter how much you fight or how much acceptance you gain, there will be times when you feel alone.

Sometimes I just sit back and look at life, and see how alone I really am. Iíve gained respect, Iíve gained recognition, but I am still a loner and slightly outcast.

Am I saying I want to change so people will accept me more? No. Iím saying I wish people would accept me more for who I am.

I know I canít change people so Iím not going to try, but living in a small town itís hard not to feel alone when youíre as different as I am.

Yes, I do outcast myself by skipping school activities and not participating in community events, but thatís not what I want. I want someone to listen to what I have to say and to just sit and talk with me at times.

Religion doesnít seem to be helping and these writings are getting few and far between.

Life has itís ups and downs and once again Iím on a down-trip, so I become the Wayward Soul.

Who Am I?

Who am I? What the hell do I want out of life? I donít have a clue anymore. So many things have been happening and so many people are fucking with my head, I donít know what I want anymore. Living your life how you want to, hurts especially when people donít understand or like what you want to be. It kills knowing people wonít take the time to accept me for me.

And after taking a long look deep inside myself, and evaluating my life I have realized there is only one way to deal with the put downs, the mocking, and the regulations you put against me, and that is to say ĎFuck you all!í I donít care what you think anymore.

The more restrictions you put on me the more Iíll protest your subjugation of me, the more you call me names and mock me the more Iíll live up to the name ďFreak.Ē You canít hurt me anymore, you canít even affect me anymore. Iím me and thatís all I want and all Iíll strive to be, you canít stop me so donít even try.

Religion I

Religion, god, Faith three words that have little meaning to me right now. I gave up on it because I began to look too deep and find too many flaws or conflicts with religion.

When you look in a dictionary the definition of religion is: Belief in God, faith, spirituality, devotion, worship. But this is not what I see when I look at most of todayís religions.

To me religion has become a product and the belief system is a sales pitch. every denomination, sect, or order is trying to get you to join by making their religion sound better than the rest.

They reel you in with flashy promises, and catchy phrases and once they have you hooked they send you out to do the same to others.

Am I saying religion is wrong? No, Iím saying we, as a culture, no as a world, have lost the main idea of religion and turned it into a business. we have the right idea of being kind and accepting to one another, but in our quest to one-up any other religion have lost sight of our true goal; peace, harmony, tranquility, and happiness.

At least thatís how I see it.

Religion II

Once again my thoughts have turned to religion. This one is going to be centered around some faults, that I see, in the Christian religion. So, if you are a Christian please do not take offense at what I am about to say.

Number One: I have begun to realize that many Christians see themselves as more than just followers of a religion, they seem to believe that they themselves are prophets. They know what is best for everyone and cannot be questioned because of this. They preach to you about their beliefs, they instantly assume they know more than you and say you are wrong if you so much as question one thing they say.

Number Two: I have started to wonder if the bible is meant to be used as a recounting of past events, somewhat like a tool, to help follow God and his rules; or if it is just something people memorize and recite to nonbelievers even if they do not fully understand it themselves.

I have nothing against the core Christian beliefs and ďThe Ten Commandments,Ē most of them anyway. My main problem is with the followers and how far their hypocrisy can go. They preach about loving one another yet they still put down others because they are ďheathens.Ē They say that God is above all else, yet it seems, at time that they raise religious leaders, saints, or martyrs above all else to further the cause. They say that, at all times, their beliefs are to be followed, but they drop some of their morals or change certain beliefs to gain more followers.

Iím not saying that all Christians are totally wrong, or that all of them act this way itís just that I wish more of them would follow what they preach.

I am not just speaking from opinion, I am also speaking from experience. I was a Christian, I was one of those who was a hypocrite. I made mistakes and I didnít always follow what I was preaching to others, but most of all I put my religion before my heart and made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. If you are a Christian and you read this heed my words and watch yourself, because if you do not you may make the same mistake I did and hurt someone you truly love. That is why I find it so hard to follow any religion and push for religious reform.

Back to Square One

Well, here I am again back at square one. for six long years I fought for acceptance and equality from my peers and just as it comes into reach I let it slip away and move to a new town.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if all my strife in Ely was worth it. I ponder over the possibility of becoming just another face in the crowd so I can gain acceptance more easily, but there is a nagging voice inside of me that keeps saying I at least showed a few people to look deeper than outside appearance.

Does that make it all worth while? All the pain and suffering Iíve endured just to show a handful of people not to judge a book by itís cover! Is it truly worth it? I donít even know anymore.

I feel so alone it hurts, does anyone really understand me, does anyone know what Iím going through, do I truly understand myself? So many thoughts fill my head I donít know what to think anymore.

If anyone hears these pleas and knows what it feels like to be alone, recognize that you are not the only one out there who feels this way. We all go through it at times, some more than others, to get through it I think we need to know that others feels the same at times, it takes the edge off some of the pain. Maybe someday people will read my pen-notes and use them as a source for strength, but right now I the implorations go unheeded and I feel as if all my work is in vain.

Are We All Hypocrites?

I preach about accepting me for me, I lecture about letting me live my life how I want, then I go and judge people by how they dress.

Most of the writings in this book are been or will be about accepting people for who they are. I will talk about how I (and others like me) are repressed for being ourselves, but what do I turn around and do? I put others down because of who they are. Some people live their lives for themselves even though they still look like the ďinĒ crowd. Sometimes I forget this.

Not everyone is totally eccentric when they are themselves, but others are. so, how can we stop the put-downs and mockery everyone faces at times? we canít, thatís all there is to it. there will always be discrimination in the world. It is so inbred into our culture that we canít get rid of it. Unless we take an effort as a world for many generations discrimination will always exist. Even though I know this I will try as best as I can to change as many people as possible in my lifetime. I will try to change myself and accept others for who they are, but I fear it will be too hard for me to overcome.

Since this can go no further, I will end this with one final statement. We should all judge others for their actions and not their looks, no matter how hard it is.


Drugs have become a huge issue with my peers and with kids younger than me. Itís kind of scary watching people you know destroy their lives over something as trivial as drugs.

To me drugs users are sorry excuses for human beings, they are so pathetic and out of touch with themselves that they have to resort to taking something to help them feel good. They are so shallow and self-serving that they donít, or canít, find other ways to enjoy themselves.

ĎI do it Ďcause I like it.í and ĎItís fun.í are too common excuses I hear when people are asked why they do it. Experts say teens do drugs to give them a calm feeling, and get them away from lifeís problems. To me anyone who uses those reasons are lying to themselves.

I do things I like, that are fun, and that help me get away from my problems for awhile and I have never done any illegal drugs. People like to find the easy way out and doing drugs is the easiest way to get away from your problems. That is why they are used, in my opinion. I writer, play games, hang with friends, listen to music. If I need a ďhighĒ feeling or a rush Iíll just go rock climbing or something.

Iím not saying Iím perfect, far from it, but I am saying that if I can find the strength to say no to drugs other people can too. People donít need drugs they just need to find activities that will replace drugs in their life.

I know I preach about letting other people live their lives how they want so I wonít interfere if people do drugs, but I believe anyone can live without them. They are so useless, unneeded, and expensive it makes it pointless to use them. At least thatís how I see it.

Devil or Angel

You will often hear people compared to one of these two beings. Either they will be angelic or devilish, but I donít think that anyone is either one.

I think most of us reside somewhere in the middle. We are all capable of good and of evil some of us just lean more to one side at times, but no matter how much we try to stick to one side there will be times when we falter.

I try, to the best of my ability, to do benevolent things, but no matter how much good I do or how much I help someone I never want to be known as angelic. This is because I know all too well how evil I can be. The images haunt me and act as a reminder that I have to watch how I deal with life.

Iím not saying there are no really good people or really bad people. What I am saying is that even the most upright person is capable of doing horrendous act and the most corrupt person can display mortal character. We are all capable of doing what we please I just believe that we all need to keep are emotions in check so we can use them to the best of our ability.


I donít want to sleep, the dreams will come back. My fears incarnate. My faults, my shortcomings, my flaws they all come to me in a macabre dance. The images rend my soul, they tear my heart to pieces. Can I accomplish my goals? Am I too weak to get what I want? Will I ever find peace? Will I ever find myself?

Too many questions assail my mind, so sleep is not rest. I must find the harmony within myself and hold it tight or the specters of my mind will come to me and destroy any hopes that I have. Or are my dreams the reality and this world the illusion? I donít know anymore because both have destroyed many of my dreams and crushed my hopes. Perhaps some day I will be able to discern which is the dream and which is the truth.


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