Well - these dialogues are NOT written by Victor Hugo, but by people adoring his work ... and his characters ...
Let's get started....
This is between Gavroche and Eponine up in Heaven:
Gavroche: Eponine!!! Hallo!!! Ponine!!! Now how could you have let yourself get killed like that? At least I died heroically.
Eponine: I loved him! And don't call me Ponine! Only HE can call me Ponine.
Gavroche: Okay, Okay. But I heard that he liked you.
Eponine: No, HE only liked HER. THEY got married, remember?
Gavroche: They fought in your name. Marius, excuse me I mean HIM, suggested it.
Eponine: Of coarse HE suggested it, no one else knew my name
Gavroche: That Enjolrias guy did. He's really cute and really nice he let me fight.
Eponine: Really?
Gavroche: Yeah, and he's right over there!
Eponine: Oh he is cute, I shall have to go polish my halo. Oh thanks Gavroche, I always liked my little brother
Gavroche: Hay, LITTLE YOURSELF!!!! HUH calling me little, Someday I'll be taller.
And it was a match made in Heaven!
Valjean, Fantine, and Javert in Heaven.
Fantine: Oh, Monsieur!! Did you find Cosette? Is she all right? Oh, my poor baby!
Valjean: Yes, I did.
Fantine: Oh, thank you so much!!
Valjean: No trouble at all.
Fantine: How is she doing? Is she happy?
Valjean: Yes, she's doing fine, and she is very happy. She is married now, too.
Fantine: Oh, you are too kind Monsieur!!
Valjean: Just doing my job.
Javert: Ah-Hah!! There you are!! No. 24601!!
Fantine: Auuuughhhhh!!!
Valjean: Oh, Crap.(starts running from Javert)
DIALOGUE 3: Kristi
Enjolras is running into some trouble with the ladies....
Enjolras: Ahh. This is the life. No more misfit students to look after, no more barricades to build, no angry government down my throat, just peace and quiet.. (Enjolras's keen hearing picks up a rather noisy convo among some ladies.)
Lady1: Ellen, you have got to get rid of those idiots for men you're dating up here.
Ellen: How am I supposed to know if they're bad or good, Sue?
Sue(Lady1): You should observe their behavior, not just their looks.
Ellen: Don't you think so, Linda?
Linda: Of course. That's why my marriage was so good. I waited for the right guy to come about.
(Enjolras turns around and glares at the women.)
Enjolras: Please be quiet. I am trying to rest.
(Enjolras turns around again, the three ladies stare at each other.)
Ellen: Is he good? (heads toward Enjolras) Hi!
(Enjolras turns around)
Enjolras: What do you want?
Ellen: You.
Enjolras: Get away!
Ellen: No way, sugar-lips!!
Coureyrac:(from a nearby cloud) Sugar-lips? SUGAR-LIPS? Oh, that is too much. (laughs hysterically)
Enjolras:(blushing)Mademoiselle, please leave!
Ellen: You are sooo darling!
Bahorel: (on a cloud by Courfeyrac) Darling? DARLING?
Courfeyrac:(in a high-pitched voice) Ohh, sugar-lips, you look sooo cute when you're mad!!
Enjolras:(at Courfeyrac) Shut-up. That's an order!!
Ellen: Don't pick on him like that!
(The students are now all aware of Enjolras's dilemna)
Students:(mockingingly)Don't pick on him like that!!
Enjolras: Joly, give me some of that asprin, pronto.
DIALOGUE 4: Maria Gavroche
GAVROCHE & EPONINE IN HEAVEN (I'll create some on earth as well but you inspired me!)
(They have already met before. Now Ponine aproches Gavroche.)
PONINE: Hi, I have been wondering about something.
GAVROCHE: Shoot.
PONINE: Have you seen Mother up here?
GAVROCHE: Don't be silly. She ain't here; she's deeper than us! I actually wonder why I am here too! *grin*
(GOD: IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIED FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE NO EVIL IN YOU AND SO I DON'T CARE IF YOU DID BREAK SOME OF THE TEN COMMANDMENTS...)
PONINE: So she IS in hell.. wonder how she's doing..
GAVROCHE: I can show you!
(They go to a hole in a cloud where they are able to see Hell..)
GAVROCHE: There she is. Working her ass off. Poor woman.
EPONINE: Don't tell me YOU feel sorry for her..?
GAVROCHE: Well she WAS my mother. Although she was a bitch.
EPONINE: She wasn't that bad. She did love me and Zelma.
GAVROCHE: Whatever... I don't give a damn! *smiles*
EPONINE: You're in Heaven, you shouldn't swear!
GAVROCHE: That God he thinks he's something
But it's me who runs this 'town'
And my theatre's always open
And the curtains never down
Trust Gavroche, have no fear
Don't you worry auntie dear
You can always find me here....
DIALOGUE 5: Caroline
Many years after 1832.
Courfeyrac (peering over the edge of his cloud): What ho, Joly! It appears we have a new arrival!
Joly: Who is it?
Courfeyrac: How should I know? Do I look like Saint Peter?
Enjolras: Quiet, my friends, they're coming.
(Courfeyrac turns to the door and his jaw drops in utter surprise)
Courfeyrac: Well, if it isn't Marius! How's life on earth, my prim friend?
(Marius looks around him in amazement, seemingly unable to speak. Though he was quite old when he died, he is young again, and notices that his hands no longer give him arthritis pains. He stares at them in awe. Jean Prouvaire comes up behind him.)
Jean Prouvaire: You are lucky, my friend. You lived a good life, with a rose for a wife and a romance like a poem, beautiful and everlasting.
Joly: And you needn't worry about your arthritis. There's no sickness here, and doctors like me just go to waste. (He leans back on his cloud with an expression that makes you feel as though he's happy to go to waste.)
(Marius seems to realize who's speaking to him.)
Marius: Jean Prouvaire? Joly? Courfeyrac? But you're dead! You've been dead for years!
Courfeyrac: And so, my friend, are you.
Marius: WHAT??
Combeferre (realizing what's going on): He's died in his sleep, fellows. He doesn't know what's happened. (Turning to Marius) My friend, it seems your time has come. You've joined us in heaven.
Marius: It happened so quickly. I didn't know. I didn't say goodbye to Cosette, or my grandchildren, or my children.
Jean Prouvaire: That's how it must happen sometimes. We did not get the chance to say goodbye, either. But don't fear. They will all join us here soon, and you will have forever with them.
(Marius is consoled by the thought. He smiles slowly, and embraces Jean Prouvaire)
Marius: Well, then! It is so good to see you, my friends! I never told you what those days were to me, how-
Combeferre: You needn't. We already know.
(There is a general excitement and much noise as all the friends of the ABC are reunited. Those on other clouds can't help but here the noise. Gavroche and Eponine are distracted from their game of cards)
Eponine: What do you suppose is going on over there?
Gavroche (with a shrug): Who knows? It's not anyone we know, anyway. Deal, so I can beat you already.
Eponine: It is someone we know. It's the students.
Gavroche (getting up, with pretended resignation): Fine. I'll go see. (He leaps, flips and cartwheels towards the students, looking completely free and entirely happy.)
Gavroche (to Enjolras): What's all the commotion, my captain?
Enjolras: The last of us has come home. (He smiles, and there is a beautiful radiance to his face. All the severity is gone.)
(Courfeyrac hears Gavroche's voice, and joins his "little friend")
Courfeyrac: What is it, Gavroche? *grin*
Gavroche: What's going on?
Courfeyrac: Marius is back! Just arrived!
Gavroche: You mean the chap who tried to save me? (Courfeyrac nods) Boy, do I have something to show him! (He runs off, whispers to Eponine what's going on and keeps going, as if searching for someone. Eponine approaches the group of students cautiously. She reaches out a tentative hand and taps Marius on the shoulder. Marius turns, and a sign of recognition flashes across his face.)
Marius: Eponine?
Eponine (nodding, with a broad smile): How did you know it was me, Monsieur Marius?
Marius: The look in your eyes - they look as they did just before you died. And your voice - it has that same sweet pitch.
Eponine *blushing*: Oh, Monsieur Marius, you shouldn't.
(Marius places his hands on Eponine's shoulders, and looks into her face.)
Marius: I am sorry, Eponine. I didn't know. I couldn't see. Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for bringing me to Cosette. You changed my life.
Eponine (smiling sadly): It's alright now, Marius. You helped me when I needed you. It's no one's fault, I suppose.
(Marius kisses her forehead.)
Marius: I couldn't ask for a better friend.
Gavroche: Ho! Marius! Thank you for trying to rescue me. Incindentally, here's someone I thought you might like to see. (A young man with dark hair who looks very much like Marius steps foward. Marius squints, the face seems familiar.)
The young man: You are probably looking for the saber scar. It isn't there, my son.
(Marius' eyes grow wide)
Marius: Papa! (they embrace)
Fin
DIALOGUE 6: Roser
Jean Valjean arrives to heaven and he meets Javert, who is taking a walk between his stars...
VALJEAN: We meet again! Good evening, dear inspector, lovely evening my dear!
JAVERT: Valjean, at last!
VALJEAN: Oh, please, don't start again! We're in heaven, isn't it? We're angels now, and we don't have to figth or discuss nevermore!
JAVERT: Well, now it's you who don't understand. I was whishing that you arrive here! I waited for you a long time! I felt very alone here. The schoolboys hardly talk with me; they don't understand me (well, maybe Enjolras do, we aren't so differents...). And the worse thing is that little Gavroche! Now that he has wings, he's always fluttering around me and molesting me, like a fly...
VALJEAN: Oh, it really sounds sad!
JAVERT: But now you're here. We know each other quite well, since our youth in Tolon. And now we are at last togheter, and we have all the eternity to talk with calm...and maybe to be friends...
VALJEAN: I'm glad that you consider me a friend, not a criminal! In fact, I think about you as an old and faithful friend! You never abandoned me! By the way, what are you doing here? You commited suicide!
JAVERT: Oh, yes. But I couldn't to suffer life in hell, with all those sinners! And, perhaps do you believe that you're the only one that can redeem and that can be forgiven by God? I was my whole life on the good way, I can't go to hell! And there's more: If I commited suicide, was only because my repentance for my one and only sin: be wrong about you and pursued you all our life!
VALJEAN: Oh, it doesn't matters! In fact, if you didn't pursued me so much, we wouldn't be so famous now!
JAVERT: Did you realised? From here above, you can see the Earth very well. And, do tou know? There's a lot of people who are always talking about us! Can you imagine? Even they say that they like my hair!
VALJEAN: Well, I suppose that they aren't very busy...But it isn't bad, to be a sort of legend, is it? In fact, they must to know what's happening now in heaven, because the things can change a lot between us. Do you know? We are made each one for each other. I believe, dear inspector, that it can be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
THE YEAR OF 1826. IN PARIS (I hope this is right; when did the Thénardiers move?? okay, it doesn't matter. Maybe it takes place in Montfermeil.) ÉPONINE IS TEN, GAVROCHE IS FIVE. (ca.)
(The scene starts in the kitchen. Okay, it's Montfermeil. Little Éponine is eating at the table when Gavroche enters from the backdoor.)
GAVROCHE: Hullo.
ÉPONINE: (looking at him, remembering what her mother said about ignoring him..) Where do you come from?
GAVROCHE: Outside.
ÉPONINE: What's the use of you coming in?
GAVROCHE: I was freezing.
ÉPONINE: Close the door.
(He does and comes back.)
GAVROCHE: Do you have any food for me?
ÉPONINE: Ask mom. Not me.
GAVROCHE: But she doesn't give me anything.
ÉPONINE: Why do you think I would then?
GAVROCHE: Cos you're my sister?
ÉPONINE: She's your mother, and when she doesn't feed you, I shan't either. Go out again instead, there you can steal from someone.
GAVROCHE: You said I wasn't to steal.
ÉPONINE: (unsure) Well... I haven't got any food for you anyway.
GAVROCHE: Why do YOU eat?
ÉPONINE: Mother gave it to me, and Azelma. But she's finished, she's in our room.
GAVROCHE: Why does she give you food?
ÉPONINE: Because she loves me! And Azelma, too.
GAVROCHE: Why doesn't she love me then?
ÉPONINE: I don't know. Cos you're a boy, and too small, maybe.
GAVROCHE: I ain't too small.
ÉPONINE: (shruggs) Oh, okay. I don't care. (continues eating)
GAVROCHE: (walks to the locker, takes out some bread and closes the door again.)
ÉPONINE: Hey! Who allowed you to do that?
GAVROCHE: You said I could steal (smiles).
ÉPONINE: Not from US! Put that back.
GAVROCHE: I know somewhere I'd rather put it (starts eating it)
(Mme Thénardier enters)
MME THÉ: What are you doing here? And what's that you're eating!?
GAVROCHE: I live here and I am eating bread.
MME THE: That's MY bread. Give that here you little bastard!
(Tries to grab him but he jumps away and opens the door)
GAVROCHE: (throws the bread at her) Take it, then! I can find food somewhere else. (He leaves)
ÉPONINE: (to her mother) Why are we so mean to him?
(Mme The murmurs something, swears and goes away, leaving her in the kitchen all alone.)
Jean Valjean returns from the Rue des Filles du Calvaire, where we all know whose grandfather lives. He finds Cosette in the parlor, embroidering with an unhppy look on her face, and he fears that Javert is there, and that he has told Cosette the truth. Before he can panic, however, he notices a tear drop out of Cosette's eye and onto her needlework.
JVJ: (softly) Cosette.
(Cosette looks up, startled)Cosette: Papa! Where have you been? I woke up and you were gone! I was very frightened Papa, I thought something terrible had happened.
JVJ: There have been no callers?
Cosette: Callers? At this time of night? No, Papa. I wouldn't have let them in anyway.
JVJ: Where is Toussaint?
Cosette: She's out. She went looking for you, we were both very worried. Why didn't you tell us where you went?
(JVJ opens his mouth to answer, but Toussaint rushes in)
Toussaint: Oh, M-m-monsieur! Th-thank God you're s-safe. (*author's note: Like Hugo, I find it really annoying to write all of Toussaints stuttered words, so just imagine it from here on in) There's been an awful riot. A terrible massacre, I saw it with my own eyes. When I got there they were taking away the bodies, and identifying them. They were all schoolboys, and I remember one name, Courfeyrac, isn't that an odd name to be christened with? Thank God you were not in that, Monsieur. But you're filthy! Here, let me make some tea, and get you some new clothes. Saints in heaven, if I didn't know better I'd think you were walking in the sewers of Paris!
(Jean Valjean smiles with effort, and doesn't say anything. Cosette's work has fallen to the floor unnoticed, she's trying to remember why the name Courfeyrac is so familiar. Suddenly, the memory rushes back to her..."I live at no. 16, Rue de Verrierre(sp.?) with my friend Courfeyrac" Cosette gasps aloud, and both Jean Valjean and Toussaint turn to her)
Cosette (rising, grabbing Toussaint's sleeve): Toussaint, you're quite sure all of them are dead?
Toussaint: Oh, yes, madamoiselle. Dead as doornails.
Cosette (under her breath): He was with them. He must have been. He told me he would die without me and now he has! Oh, Marius! (she sinks into her chair, trying to check her tears. Toussaint goes to prepare things for Jean Valjean, leaving Valjean and Cosette alone)
JVJ: What's the matter, Cosette?
Cosette (in a very shaky voice): Nothing, Papa.
JVJ takes a deep breath, he has dreaded this moment for a long time.
JVJ: Do you fear for your Marius?
(Cosette looks at him startled)
JVJ: I saw the blotter, quite by accident. It is good that I did, for as I was walking home, I passed the Rue des Filles du Calvaire. Two men were bringing a wounded man inside, and they announced to the porter that it was M. Gillenormand's grandson, Marius Pontmercy."
(It's a shaky story, but Cosette is too excited to notice)
Cosette (with tears in her eyes): Then he's alive! Marius, is alive! Tell me, Papa, do you know if he's ill? Do you know if we can find out?
JVJ (smiling sadly): We shall prepare some bandages for him, and take him to the Rue des Filles du Calvaire tomorrow.
The next day, Cosette awakes and dresses early, despite her late bedtime. By the time Jean Valjean, an early riser himself, is dressed, Cosette has pile of lint (does anyone know what they used it for, anyhow?) and a moderate stack of neatly hemmed bandages piled on the end table next to her chair. She is humming as she works, the song that Marius liked. However, her back is tight and there is a crease in her forehead as she bends over her work. Valjean, startled to see her up, is even more disconcerted by her expression. He hates to see unhappiness in her face.
Cosette (looking up from her work): Papa! I was afraid you'd never wake up! I couldn't sleep, I've been making bandages for hours instead. (she gives a small laugh as she gestures to the fruits of her labor beside her, but it's a laugh without any heart. She looks at him soberly)When can we go, Papa?
Jean Valjean: Soon, Cosette. After breakfast. (He strokes her hair with an affectionate look) But don't trouble yourself anymore with those bandages. You've made enough to last him for days, don't you want to return with more tomorrow?
Cosette: Oh, may we? Papa, thank you! (She kisses his cheek)
(the two eat a quick breakfast of bread and cheese. Jean Valjean hastens his meal as much as possible, noticing that Cosette is too excited to eat and obviously impatient to be off. He takes his hat and taking the cue, she ties on her bonnet with an anxious face. They take a fiacre to the Rue des Filles du Calvaire, Cosette clutching tightly to the package of dressings. Valjean hears Cosette murmuring to herself as she looks out the window. Curious, he listens closely - she is saying her prayers, with tears in her blue eyes. They get out of the carriage at the Gillenormand house, and Valjean rings the bell.)
Basque (opening the door): May I help you, Monsieur?
Valjean: Yes, we've brought this package of bandages for Monsieur Marius Pontmercy. We were wondering where we might leave it so that it would be of service.
Basque (with a courtly nod): Here, monsieur. Monsieur Gillenormand, grandfather of Monsieur the Baron Pontmercy would like to thank you. Who should I say left this?
Valjean: No one. Come, Cosette. She takes his hand and begins to turn with him, but stops and turns, catching Basque just before he closed the door)
Cosette (in a small voice, finally finding the courage to speak): Please, how is Monsieur Pontmercy?
Basque (disconcerted somewhat by Cosette's expression): It is uncertain at the moment. I must attend to him. Good day, Monsieur. Good day, Madamoiselle." (with a bow for each of them, he closes the door)
(Valjean and Cosette elect to walk home, each absorbed in thier thoughts. Cosette is very preoccupied with Marius, while Jean Valjean is trying to give up Cosette unselfishly. As Cosette pauses in her musings, she hears Valjean muttering to himself)
Valjean: I could not keep her forever. I must give her up to the man she loves, who obviously has loved her for a long time.
(Cosette starts, surprised at this. Truthful as always, she confronts him immediately)
Cosette: Papa! You do not think that because I love Marius I do not love you! There is room in my heart for the both of you. Papa, please don't be sad. I shall always be your daughter, and I won't have any more of this talk about giving me up. I shall cling to you whether you like it or not. (and with a decided and imperious air, she kisses his cheek affectionately. Valjean smiles, and pats her hand.)
Cosette and Eponine...[children]
(Cosette is on the kitchen floor scrubbing away vigorisly with and old clothe. She quietly hums to herself as she works.)
(Eponine enters from a side door and proceeds to a cupboard where she takes out a slice of bread. She then climbs up on one of the big kitchen chairs and begins to eat)
(Cosette looks up at Eponine with her big childish eyes. Eponine notices her silent pleading of hunger.)
Eponine:Mama says you don't get no supper until your done with the scrubbings!
Cosette:(Looks down sadly, pausing for quite a while) Prehaps, Madame will let me finish the rest of my chores tomorrow.
Eponine: Prehaps. (Shoves more bread into her mouth)
(Cosette begins to hum again, a sadder tune this time, as she stands to ring out the clothe over a bucket of murky water, revealing her dirty, bare legs. Eponine watches her as she works.)
Eponine: Are you very hungry, Cosette?
Cosette:(Ignoring Eponine's question, continues to hum...)
Eponine:(Interupting) Are you tired, Cosette? (Cosette wipes her hand across her cheek leaving a smudge of dirt.) Poor Cosette, oh how tired you must be. Always working. You should eat something. Do you want some bread? If your hungry why don't you just get a piece?
Cosette:(Sadly) Oh, Eponine I'm so terribly tired and hungry.
Eponine:Then get a piece of bread, silly!
(Cosette stands, looking towards the cupboard where the bread is kept.)
Eponine:Go on!
Cosette:(Pausing)Oh, I don't know Eponine, I just can't...If Madame was to know...
Eponine:I promise! I won't tell Mama that you took it. It can be our secret! (Eponine smiles wickedly)
(Cosette looks around first to be assured that no one else is there. She slowly walks to the the cupboard and begins to open it up...) (A noise is heard, prehaps in another room...)
Eponine: (Quickly jumping up to her feet on the chair) Oh, hurry Cosette, hurry! (raising her voice as if to be heard) Before Mama comes! Before you're caught!
(Cosette fumbles with the piece of bread in her hand as she quickly turns around, but too late for Madame Thenardier swings the door open and quickly enters slamming it shut and pressing her back against it as a barrior.)
M. Thenardier:(Speaking in her horrid voice)What's going on in here? Is it yelling I hear?(Eyes the scene of Eponine standing upon the chair and Cosette trembling in the corner holding a piece of bread.) Well, answer me!
Eponine:(Speaking up)Well, yes Mama but...
M. Thenardier:(Yelling)I told you before I won't have any screaming while there's people staying here. Do I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!! (Grabs for Eponine's arm and pulls her off the chair roughly)
Eponine: But Mama I...
M. Thenardier:(Grabs Eponines jaw firmly)Now, listen here little missy. We shall have no more of that! I have enough trouble without the two of you getting in the way! (Looks at Cosette)And what's this? (Points at the piece of bread in Cosette's hand)What's this I see?! (Cosette drops her eyes and holds out the piece of bread. M. Thenardier grabs the piece of bread harshly, crushing it in her powerful fist!) You little wench! How dare you try to steal from us...
(Suddenly the door swings open! It is Thenardier himself. He stumbles into the room apparently very drunk!)
Thenardier:(Grasping the table for support)What have the little brats done now?
M. Thenardier:It seems we have a theif amoung us! (Holds up the crumbled piece of bread and points to Cosette) Stealing from the own hand that feeds her. You ungreatful little wench!
(Cosette is sobbing silently now)
Thenardier:I told you before(takes a step back) she'd only be...Ahhhgaah! (He trips and falls over the bucket of water still sitting on the floor. Water runs everywhere leaving a mess with Thenardier sprawled in the middle of it!)
M. Thenardier:You old clutz!
(Eponine covers her mouth trying to hide her giggles)
Thenardier:(Somehow managing to get up, looks himself over, his trousers now dripping with water. Grumbling to himself as he quickly staggers out...)I say...
M. Thenardier:(Grabs Cosette by her stringy hair and flings her to the ground) CLEAN IT UP! (Cosette crys out in pain as she hits the floor) And if I ever catch you stealing again I'll peel the skin from your back! You hear!
Cosette:(Brushing away her tears)Yes, Madame! (Begins to soak up the water with the clothe)
M. Thenardier:Eponine! Get to bed before I baux your ears!
Eponine:Yes, Mama! (Runs out of the kitchen)
M. Thenardier:(Turning back to Cosette) As for you, tomorrow after you finish your chores and run some errons for me, you can scrub the kitchen floor AGAIN! For heavens sake it needs it again after this!
Cosette:(Gulps) Yes, of course Madame!
(M. Thenardier exits)
(Cosette sighs as she continues to clean up. She is terribly hungry! Perhaps singing will help! She begins to hum again...)
I am blinded by tears, I can't see! Bring me home...
The Official Les Miz Pages (where this comes from ...)
More of the wonderful writers of Le Café - [poetry]
More dialogues!