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This is supposed to be some sort of journal....

or something like that.....

 

            1-5-06

            I have definitely had a lot going on recently.  Me and my girlfriend Kristi got engaged and we found out she is pregnant.  Before she got pregnant we were really close, but anymore I feel like we are slowly falling apart and I don't know why.  I don't want our relationship to end.. 

            1-16-06

            Well....  A lot has happened in a short time.  We've come so close to falling apart, but held together by a thread.  Now we're coming back together.  All I have ever asked is to be faithful and to tell me what you want and feel.  You have been faithful, but you still don't share everything with me.  That's the next step now.  You want me to share everything with you, but you don't want to do the same.  I don't understand why though.  It's been extremely hard for me to trust anyone, and you know why.  However, I have tried to get past this and have told you things that I have never shared with anyone, or even one other person.  Considering how much after the fact this is, that should mean a lot.  To me, it shows how much I do trust you, and how much I do love you.  I see that you love me for me, and I think it's time for you to know more about the me before us.  Before we ever met.  Before i ever thought about things the way I do now.  Some things you already know, and that should show you a lot about how I feel about you.  I love you baby, and I'm getting closer to the baby ahead.  Just keep being yourself, the woman I feel in love with, the woman I won't live without.  I know I can go on if we don't make it together, but I won't want to.  Life is a lot better when you're with me.  I know I may seem clingy, or needy, or call it whatever you want because I always want to be with you.  It's not like me, it never has been.  This is how you make me feel.  I never want to be without you.  I want to sleep beside you every night for the rest of my life.  I want to kiss you when i wake up and go to bed.  I want to hold you while you're sleeping.  I want you to know that I will always be here for you.  To hold you, to comfort you, to pick up the pieces, and to love you.  You are my greatest fear, because you hold the two most valuable things in my life in your hands.....my heart, and yours.  I love you baby, and I always will.

                1-19-06

                The following is a post by my fiancee on her xanga site at:  http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=monkey702

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear Kristi, Happy Birthday to me!!!

Today I turn 22 yeah. Last night I was at Aron's house, and he gave me my birthday present. Very pretty earrings. He said that he didn't know what to get me. I told him that I would like anything that he got me. We went and got his parent's christmas present. Then we went back to his house watched a little TV, and then I left cause it was getting late. He called me at 11:30 and we talked till about 1:00. We were arguing in the beginning because he remembered a coversation completely different then I do. Finally I told him lets just agree to disagree. Then he brings up that all that we have been doing lately is arguing. I told him that is because of the hormones that are going through my body and him being stuborn and not wanting to just give in sometimes. Then when i came in the house he brought up the fact that we won't be us anymore. Just because we are having a baby. He thinks that we are going to get closer that the baby is just going to stop that. I told me we will get as close as we make it. If we both work on our relationship together while we have the baby then we will get to be as close as we want to. I keep telling him that he needs to stop thinking about 6 months from now because it is scaring the crap out of him, and he needs to start enjoy'n the pregnancy as it comes.  I've tried to explain to him that if he doesn't enjoy it he will regret it after the baby is born. If he doesn't stop worry'n about the future and start enjoy'n our last 6 months alone he will regret that to. I hope he comes around and starts to see some things differently. Well I got to go chase Charli down.

                Now then, what I say to this is::

                I was right about how close we are.  The closer I try to get the harder I'm pushed back.  It seems like I'm the only one that wants to make this relationship all that it can be.  I'm the only one that will put us near the top of our list of priorities.  It's number one on my list, but I guess I just see us differently.  I'm willing to make every effort possible to hold us together because I love her.  I haven't been puling away.  I have been trying to get closer, that's what the hell I want.  FOR THE LAST TIME, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?  You talk about our last 6 months together.  Well, now it's more like 5.  Yea I'm hurt about your reason for not coming out here tomorrow night.  Do you care why?  HELL NO!!  Maybe someone else does though....let's find out.  You were going to take your nieces for tonight, but decided to do so tomorrow night instead...ok, whatever.  On a night that you know we wont spend together you don't do these things.  You wait to do them on nights that we can spend together.  You like doing this too, but whatever.