SCENE 1: RUSTY COCK
SETTING: On set with Derek Van Dyke and Victor H.
Sexy for their new movie. “Rusty Cock” A telling tail about two farmers and
their magical rooster named Rusty. Both DVD and VHS are wearing dirty farmers
clothing and both are sitting on a bench.
Lights……Camera……..Action!
Director, “Okay guys, it’s the last scene of the movie. We
need to you be sad. Real sad! Rusty, your beloved rooster has just died. I want
to FEEEEL the sadness in your speaking.”
DVD, “Sad as in, my dog just got hit by a car?”
VHS, “Or sad as in, my wife just divorced me and took the
kids sad?”
Director, “ Okay, I’ll make you
guys out a scenario. You come home, your dog just gets hit by a car, your wife is so angry she divorces you on the spot and takes
your kids. Leaving you with a dead dog. Now how is
that for sad?”
DVD, “That’s pretty damn sad. I can work with that.”
VHS, “ Me too, now let’s hurry up.
I want to get out of these stinky ass farmer clothes before I vomit all over
myself.”
~ DVD and VHS take their places on set.~
Director, “Rolling……ACTION!”
~ DVD and VHS run up to the dead rooster. They both drop
to their knees next to the rooster. DVD picks it up in his arms.~
DVD, “ WHY? WHY did this have to
happen? Rusty! You were the only darn thing we had on this farm!”
VHS, “ It’s okay Cletus! We’s gonna get another Rusty Cock
soon! Don’t you worry.”
Director, “Cut, cut!”
~ Director walks out onto the set.~
Director, “That was terrible! I didn’t feel like your dog
got ran over OR your wife divorced you! We are paying you Millions for this
Rusty Cock movie. Now I want to see tears! If I don’t we will shove a lemon in
your eye!
DVD, “Dear god no!
I’ll do it right this time.”
~ Director takes a step back.~
Director, “ Rolling…. Quiet on the set….ACTION!”
~ DVD and VHS run up to the chicken, but DVD starts to
slow down. He falls down crying like a baby. He starts slamming his fist into
the ground. VHS needs to follow suit so he jumps to the ground as well, rolling
around crying.~
Director, “ CUT!”
~ Director storms out onto the set!~
Director, “ Are you guys f*cken serious? That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.
Go with it! You guys never cease to amaze me.”
~ The Director gets off the set.~
Director, “Take it from there boys! ACTION!”
~DVD and VHS roll around on the ground bawling their eyes
out.~
DVD, “WHY?? WHY did
they done go kill my rooster!!”
VHS, “Don’t worry Cletus, we’s gonna get a new chicken. Better than Rusty Cock! I
promise!”
DVD, “I sure do hope so! Let’s get out of here before they
done come back and shoot us!”
VHS, “Good idea Cletus!”
~DVD and VHS run off camera as the shoot is finished.~
Director, “ That’s the wrap!
Excellent job guys, I felt the sadness there. I could feel the divorce papers
hitting me in the face and the dog dying. Great work.”
VHS, “Get out of my way! I’m getting out of these tacky
things!”
~VHS runs to his trailer.~
SCENE 2: Bad news and the NEW idea.
SETTING: Inside VHS’s luxury trailer. Both VHS
and DVD are sitting drinking a vodka on the rocks.
Lights…..Camera…..ACTION!
DVD, “That was probably the worst movie idea I’ve ever head
of. Rusty Cock? What the hell is that?
VHS, “And the make up crew was terrible. I looked like a two
bit whore out there.”
DVD, “I bet the 6.5 Million we are getting will make it all
worth it in the end.”
VHS, “ Yes it will! But now we will
have to do all that PR with the stupid slimy, greasy
fans all around us, trying to get hugs and kisses. God, fans make me sick. I
wish fans will all just die sometimes you know.”
DVD, “ I hear ya!
Just the other day some slack jaw was asking for an autograph and he probably
hadn’t showered in like twelve hours. It was nasty!”
~ VHS looks intrigued.~
VHS, “What did you do?”
DVD, “Thank god HD was there with hand sanitizer. Or I would
have been sick for days.”
~ There’s a knock on the door. Harold Davis, Derek Van
Dyke and Victor H. Sexy’s agent walks into the
trailer with a stack of papers.~
HD, “Big new guys and it’s NOT good.”
DVD, “ Oh what now? Another fan
suing because I pushed him over a guard rail at a party at Times Square?”
VHS, “I thought that case got thrown out of court?”
DVD, “Oh it did, I bribed off the judges with tickets to our
last film.”
HD, “It’s worse than any law suit I’ve ever seen guys.”
VHS, “GOD! The suspense is killing me! Tell me what it is!”
HD, “In people’s magazine, the insiders are saying you
are losing ratings in the demographic from 18-35. All males! The women still
love you. We need a quick fix guys and we need it now.”
VHS, “ Another kung fu movie?”
DVD, “ Or an action-thriller?”
HD, “We need a quicker fix than that! The management crew
has thought of something much quicker that will work!”
~ HD throws two black t-shirts at them. DVD and VHS
scramble then look at the T-shirts.~
VHS, “ Is this shit made out of
100% cotton? You know I only wear Silk Harold!”
HD, “Sorry, it’s all they had!”
~ DVD and VHS look at the t-shirts. There’s huge
letters…. X….W….F.~
DVD, “What is this? We told you HD, we would never do a gay
porn movie. It’s just not our style. What is this XWF crap?”
HD, “It’s a wrestling federation. Our management team has
noticed that wrestling gets the biggest draw in 18-35 demographic. So it’s
oblivious that we get you guys in there and in the spotlight. This could boost
you guys even more in
DVD, “Wrestling? HD,
April fools was a month ago. Nice try.”
VHS, “ He almost had me for a
minute there. HD, you sneaky bastard.”
HD, “This is not a joke. We’ve all ready signed you guys
up.”
DVD, “What? When do
we start this new role?”
HD, “Next week!
On Monday Night Massacre it’s called.”
VHS, “Massacre, what kind of lame name is that?”
HD, “It doesn’t matter. This scheme is going to work. Try
to be the good guys. It’ll really help out in
VHS, “ Really? What is it?”
HD, “ After hours of
deliberation with the marketing crew we’ve come up with…. PROJECT
DVD, “Wow, that’s amazing! I love it!”
HD, “Great! We’ve scheduled a training session for you
guys. Better snap to it! It’s in fifteen minutes!”
~ Derek Van Dyke and Victor H. Sexy quickly grab some
things and bolt out of the room.~
ROLL CREDITS.
