Post 13
Mood:  silly
Now Playing: Avril Lavigne's Nobody's Home
The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems
that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
and meaning.

On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurang appeared this
advertising atrocity:

NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
AFFORDABLE
An Alternative to Looking Good.

After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct
what happened lin the framing of this cacphonous come-on. Apparently, the
good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable
prices afforded an alternative for looking good. But what came out was the
message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it
out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
cartoon and comic strips:

* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by
waitresses in apetizing forms.

* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too!

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent

* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.

* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.

* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges,
the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain
and Chopin.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
other athletic facilities.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots
of women wear nothing else.

* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
& Gardens.

* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.

* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month.
References required.

* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
snacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

* See ladies blouses. 50% off!

* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204

* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

* Illiterate? Write today for free help.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating

* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.

* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00

And these beauties from the radio:

* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous
figure.

* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Post 12
Mood:  incredulous
Now Playing: Eminem's Spend Some Time
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Post 11
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: Norton Antivirus' "A virus has been found on your computer" message
One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remardks was "All I know is what I
read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in
the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the
news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.

Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and
women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.

They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief
messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be
attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each
headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.

No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down,
and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a
red-face result.

Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent
pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES

MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG

U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT




CHINESE APEMAN DATED

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY

ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.

U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED

SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR

S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW

10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT

CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY

NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT




GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION

When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become
unwittingly suggestive:

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS

CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES

WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED

ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE

STUD TIRES OUT

PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION

SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT

MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL

JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX

GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS

PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH

NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS

N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.

CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN





IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS

COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS

DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX

Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar:

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT

AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR

HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66






MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT

FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS

COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY

Occasionelly, a deformed headlinne takes on a meaning that is exactly the
opposite of the one intended:

NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE

CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR

And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious:

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE









SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION

CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

Post 10
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Linkin Park's In The End
Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job
it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.

Court is now in session, and here are my favorite transquips, all
recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin
Q: What is his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin). Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
first name!


Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.


Q: James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A: Yes.
Q: And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A: (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.


Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumber region.


Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?


Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine Mc Dowell.
Q: What is your marrital status?
A: Fair.


Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: What did yuour husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things that I didn't know about.


Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.


Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cheney and said he was really good.


Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?


Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.


Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at the time?
A: Attached to the ears.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autoppsies have been on dead people.


Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?


Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.


Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.


Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Have you ever been arrested?
A: Yes.
Q: What for?
A: Aggrivating a female.


Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.


Judge: Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
Foreman: Yes, your Honor, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.


THE COURT. Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your mind if you have any.


Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to
the station?
A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.


Q: At the time you first saw Dr. Mc Carty, had you ever seen him prior
to that time?


JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
completely open mind.


Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to
you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.


Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?


Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as
State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletecher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?


Q: As a officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Was the vehicle occupied at the time?


Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.


Q: Have you ever beaten your wife?
A: No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.


Q: Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A: I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.


Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A: Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
son of a gun -- and she did.


Q: And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was because
you feared for your life?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: Why?
A: That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons
that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.


Q: Where were you on the bike at the time?
A: On the seat.
Q: I meant where is the street.


Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange involving a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Post 9
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Britney Spear's Toxic
On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had
been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on
a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter
in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a
Webster's ldictionary, he noted that stoping means:

"extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't
extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."
Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge
declared the man not guilty and commented, "since this is Friday, the 13th,
anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

"No Stoping" is a blunderful example of the suspect signs and botched
billboards that dot the American landscape. Here are some other signs that need
to be re-signed:

* At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation:
"Eat here and get gas."

* At a Sante Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

* In a New Hampshire jewelry store:
"Ears pierced while you wait."

* In an New York restaurant"
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the
manager."

* In a Michigan restaurant:
"The early bird gets the worm!"
"Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

* On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."

* On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law."
"-- Sisters of Mercy"

* On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

* In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

* On a movie theater:
"Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

* In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed!"

* In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."




* On a New York loft building:
"Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."

* In a New Hampshire medical building:
"Martin Diabetes Professional Ass."

* In the office of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

* In a New York medical building:
"Mental health prevention center."

* In a toy department:
"Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting."

* On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

* On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
workmanship.

* At a number of military bases:
"Restraicted to unauthorized personnel."

* In a number of parking areas:
"Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."

* On a display of "I Love You Only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

* In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan.

* On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant:
"Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."

* In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

* In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

* On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
"Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

* In the bathroom of a large apartment building:
"When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar.
This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

* Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

* On a North Carolina highway:
"EAT"
"300 FEET"

* On an Ohio highway:
"Drive slower When Wet."




* On a New Hampshire highway:
"You are speeding when flashing."

* On a Pennsylvania highway:
"Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

* In downtown Boston:
"Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

* In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

* In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
"Parking for birds only."

* In a New Jersey restaurant:
"Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

* In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters."

* In front of a New Hampshire store:
"Endurable floors."

* On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place too take a leak."

* On a movie marquee:
Now Playing:
Adam and Eve
with a cast of thousands!

* In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual
light is extinguished."

* In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
graves."

* On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

* On a New Hampshire road:
"Will build to suit
Emory A. Tuttle"

* On the grounds of a private school:
"No trespassing without permission."

* In a library:
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.

* On a Tennessee highway:
"Take Notice: When this sign is under water the road is impasable."

* Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."