Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did this upset you?

A: My name is Susan

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at the time?

Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy

There is no destination, other than the one that occupies your mind...

Hello! Welcome to the Suicide Hotline....please hold...

Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?

We (my jazz and rock ensemble from school) were playing at this retirement home. The room was full of all these old people. We heard the front doorbell ring and Chad says, out loud, "oh hey everybody, death is here!"

If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets in a huge car pile-up, does that increase the number of vehicles in the pile-up?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs over a person, does it stop to help them?

Why is it that Donald Duck wears a towel when he gets out of the shower, but he usually doesn't wear any pants?

Hey I just noticed that Aladdin has no nipples.

Why do we call it getting your dog "fixed" when afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

Why is it that we are represented as a nation by a man from Texas who can't pronounce the word nuclear (not nucular, stupid).

Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if they aren't there for you the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

Mean people are like turtles. Once you take away their protective shell, all you have left is a stupid, naked, fat, lumpy lizard.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb? One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

I have come to realize that if it weren't for electricity, we would all be watching the television by candlelight.

Here Lies

All Cold and Hard

The Last Damn Dog

To Poop in My Yard

If quizzes are quizzical, than what are tests?

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. (A quote from Moses)

Pull the pin and then count to what?

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summer's suit. Because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?

Why is it called a drive through when you have to stop?

How come banks leave their doors wide open but chain the pens to the desk?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?