: Diary :

April 7- God. So. Hard to write. I can barely sit up, but I decieded to take down all of last night's events before I forget. I was leaving school, last night. It was dark. Three or four kids, boys, jocks, that type, just grabbed me and sorta dragged me off. To the old Bleeker house in the woods. Where no one lives. All the 'cool' kids hang out there. The last thing I remember was someone holding me down and someone ripping my shirt off. Then someone started carving into my chest. With a knife. Eventually, they just punched me around and crap. The very last thing I remember was someone swinging one of those baseball bats. My mom said someone must've rode past the house late and threw me into the yard. Can't say I haven't had an eventful week.

April 8- Whoever said that pain is just weakness leaving the body has never felt true pain. Truly. I'm so emotionally and physically wrecked, I just know why Josh took the way out that he did. Yes, Josh took his own life. Because he was going through what hell I'm living in now. I mean, sure. Nik, Auristi, and Mel all stopped to see me. But they all seem so, uncomfortable, for chrisskes, around me. I just need to get out of my white prison. Into the real world. I need to go home, to my piano. To my church. Everywhere. I feel so, contained where I am now.

Early April 9- I'm in deep sht at the hospital. I snuck out of the room, today being Good Friday and all, and stole a wheelchair. Then, I rolled myself down to the chapel. You know, to pray and stuff. What else would I do there, anyway? It was nice, for a change, to get out of the room. Anyway, then some stupid doctor found me out of bed and got all pssed. Like I might traumatize the other patients. Me, the blood-stained wreck I am. But they finally decieded I was stable after this little incident and they finally let me out of the friggin' bed. Just to get a fun little x-ray. My collarbone's busted, probably the reason I couldn't sit up. And now, I have a stupid sling that rubs across my chest which REALLY hurts. Stupid jocks.

Later- The hospital somehow got wind of my little emotional breakdown with Aus, so I have a feeling I'll be living out the rest of my days in a mental ward. Sometimes there are only certain ways out we can't avoid.

April 10- I passed the 24 hour holding test in the mental ward, so I'm out. But just as soon as I get out, I find out Nik is in jail. NIK. Of all the people. Life just turns itself around all time. I have a feeling this won't be a very happy Easter.

Easter- Today was uplifting at first, but what goes up must come down, as they say. Nik was innocent and free to go. I testified and sent four guys to jail. However, when I came home, dad was majorly drunk. What else is new? But then he threatened my sisters, and that was the final straw. I couldn't leave them there. I called my aunt and had her pick up and Asher and the girls. Mom will have to fend for herself now. I said my good-byes and left a short, but sweet, note. Then I grabbed my stuff and got the hell out of there. For a while, I just sat on the curb, not sure of where to go. Then I realized what day was coming up. So, I jumped on the next train upstate. I fell asleep until my stop came up. I was home. Nothing like sweet New York City to make you feel at home, eh? I visited Josh's parents around 8. Then, I went back to Grand Central to sleep. Luckily, Cue was still there. So, I'm sleeping under some tarp in subway Tunnel F next to Cue and some rats. No place like home.

April 12- This diary has been confiscated to be evaluated and used in the imprisonment, excuse me, placement of Thomas Jonathan Chariv in a correctional facility for the depressed.

April 13- Yay! Got my trusty diary back. Suppose there wasn't much interesting stuff in here. I don't even fucking remember what happened yesterday, so I won't bother writing anything down. All I know is, my death wish carved into my chest just went and infected itself. 48 stitches. 48. Then, Nik came and visited. He dropped something in the trash and, being the curiously stupid person I am, checked it out. It was a locket. I didn't think he wanted me to know. I swore I wouldn't wear it. Yet I am. I don't know why. Ah. My little depression place isn't any different. Boring. White. Therapists. Yeah.

A day- Whatever. I've taken refuge in my bathroom. Just spending my days looking through pictures. I never thought looking back on all the laughs would make me cry.

Later- I think my social worker is stalking me. Seriously. I go to school and she's watching me. I should get a restraint order. Like that'll happen.

April 18- Wow... I've been thinking a lot about Grand Central today. For two reasons. First off, I saw the therapist today. He asked about the scars all over my palms and fingers. So I told him about "blood brothers". Rusty, my first Grand Central friend, introduced me to the concept. Each person makes a cut on their hand. Then, you prass the cuts together and let the blood mix. It's supposedly a bond that keeps you eternally connected. I had a lot of blood brothers. Rusty, Cue, Josh, Jack, Autumn, and Jill. Okay, so I had blood sisters too. The strange thing is, nothing really bad ever happened to us. At least stuff we couldn't prevent. Jail trips and a few scrapes. But nothing else bad. It's like the bond kept us alive... Okay. My second reason is the motley crew is here. Cue, Jack, Rusty, and Autumn, I mean. Jill didn't come because she went back home to Cali. Anyway, they said they wanted to say stuff about me in here.

Cue: Alright. Tom is a good kid. The best out of us, no matter what you think. He never messed with drugs, never smoked. So what if he drank the most out of us? He quit. He got out of Grand Central without death or jail. Maybe we can, too.

Rusty: Okay. I stole the pen from Cue. Tom was my first and best friend ever. And my first boyfriend. But still... He says he's got our little make-out pic. That's creepy. Anyway, he's getting better. Cause he's not messing with beer and vodka anymore. I couldn't say the same with morphine, though. He finally got off it mostly, though. Okay. Jack wants to write.

Jack: Tom is an unbelievable person. He was the light in the dark tunnels of Grand Central. He could always make you laugh. Plus, he was an excellent car thief. No lie. Could do two cars in five minutes. I know for a fact 'cause I used to be look out for him. And he never kept anything he took... Our own Robin Hood. Steal from the rich, give to us bums. God Bless.

Autumn: I don't know where I'd be without Tom. Probably six feet under or on welfare. He was always there for me. All the time I was pregnant. In the hospital. He was like the father Travis never had. Hell, he even stole for me so I wouldn't starve. And just for that I never spent money he gave me on crack. I'll never meet another person like Tom. He's our Angel.

April 19- Ugh. I need something to drink real bad. Beer, vodka, brandy, rum, anything. All because of my stupid stability. It means I'm living at home part time. With dad. God, I'm not ready to go back. I can't stand the fights, the compulsive drinking. I can't stand home life. That's how I ended up in Grand Central in the first place. Because of good old dad. Cue asked if I wanted to go back with them before they left. I almost said yes. Back to the comforts of home. My family of paranoid crack addicts and my bedroom under a station platform. But I don't want to leave everyone who's stood by me behind. I'm torn in two. It's so damn hard and confusing. I need to go find something to numb everything. Mom keeps some morphine in the garage. A shot of that and I'm good for a while...

April 20- Ooh... Morphine rocks. I'm energized... Anyway, Aus did my hair and it's pink. And everyone loves it. I made a new friend, Rivers. She rocks.

April 23- I hate holding back my feelings. But I don't want to put my life on the line. Not again. But it's so hard to keep it bottled up. But I don't want to ruin what I have so far with him.

April 24?- Gay teenagers are three times more likely to attempt suicide than straight kids. Last year, nearly 1500 hate crimes based on sexual orientation were reported to the police. Get the picture? I'm another statistic.

April 30- With each sharp turn of this train, I feel like I can't stand the pain anymore. God, it hurts so much... People have been staring at me the whole upstate trip. Wondering. But I haven't forgotten. It all comes back clearly. Like a movie in my head that won't stop playing. And I'm helpless, I can't stop watching... An arguement. I forget what about. Mom, dad, the triplets, something stupid. Hell, it might have been about me. We were pretty fired up, me and dad. Only he was drunk, I wasn't. Anyhow, dear ol' dad grabs a beer bottle off the floor. I thought, hell, I'll just black out again. Then it hits me. Square in the temple. This time it was different. A bottle, cracked in half. Within seconds, I'm on the floor and my face is covered. With blood. I can hear crying. It's mom. Or is it me ... ? Then comes the blackness. So terribly nice. I can't hide there forever. Or else he'll finish me off. I struggle to open my eyes. Success. I'm not dead. Somehow, I'm out of there. Gone. Now'm here. Heading home...

May 1- There is a time in your life when you just can't take it anymore. And that moment just happened. I'm shaking as I write this... Me, Rusty, and Cue were going to turn in for the night. We jumped into the tracks late, so we had to do double-time to make it through the tunnel. We were almost out when I felt the light blind me. I turned and the headlights weren't far back. I stood in the middle of the tracks, staring down the train. Cue and Rusty were screaming at me to go. But I stayed. Rusty ended up tackling me to the side of the tunnel, hitting us both against the wall. I was screaming so much, I thought the train had hit me. I wanted for it so bad to happen until I actually thought it did happen. Me and Rusty just curled up and cried... I don't even know how we got back to our spot that night.

A Day in May- I don't know anymore.

May 29- God. Been a while, hasn't it? Not much to say. Love? Love's love. Friends? Met Isaac. Haven't seen Nik, Aus, or Rek in a while. God, miss them.

May 31- Cancer.
I hate that word.
Death.
Hate that word.
Love.
The only word that'll save you.

June Something- Met Shadi... Talked to Oen, Rivers, and Nik. Rafe tried to kill himself. Haven't seen Mel and Aus in ages. Or Rek