Zivite u Kanadi, Americi, Australiji ili vec negde drugde, daleko od
 rodbine, prijatelja i otadzbine. Povremeno vas muci nostalgija i lepo
 vam dodje da sednete na prvi avion i odletite pravo do rodne grude, pa
 sta kosta da kosta. Zato, evo kratkog spiska stvari, ljudi i dogadjaja
 u kojima ne mozete da uzivate zato sto ste tamo daleko.

 Dakle, propustate:

 1) bonove za struju umesto penzija;

 2) odlazak u Sofiju da tamo budete domaci navijac;

 3) Dnevnik Radio televizije Srbije;

 4) obnovu zemlje oslanjanjem na sopstvene snage;

 5) radost sto ce nezavisne radio stanice ponovo moci da cuje cak 2
 odsto biraca u Srbiji;

 6) mogucnost da vam na ulici prilaze zgodne devojke i da vas pitaju gde
 ste nabavili dva litra ulja koje nosite u kesi;

 7) mogucnost da vam na ulici prilaze zgodne devojke i da vas pitaju gde
 ste nabavili pola litra mleka koje nosite u kesi;

 8) mogucnost da vam na ulici prilaze zgodne devojke i da vas pitaju gde
 ste nabavili kilo secera koje nosite u kesi;

 9) mnogo mogucnosti za upoznavanje sa zgodnim devojkama;

 10) pogled na kontejner iz koga viri penzionisani profesor;

 11) bonove za benzin pomocu kojih ne mozete da nabavite benzin;

 12) kupovinu goriva u flasama od dva litra u koje ne staje dva litra;

 13) benzinske pumpe pretvorene u vazdusne banje, posto na istima nema
 ni traga od automobila ili drugih zagadjivaca vazduha;

 14) "Drinu" zapakovanu u kutiju "Marlboroa";

 15) potpazusne miomirise u prepunom gradskom autobusu;

 16) genijalne misli nezavisnih intelektualaca koji tvrde da je od nase
 vlasti gora samo nasa opozicija;

 17) kupovinu originalne americke robe proizvedene negde izmedju
 Bugarske i Rumunije;

 18) proglasavanje pontonskog mosta za kapitalni projekat;

 19) burek i jogurt;

 20) nadu da cete i bez grejanja prolece mozda uspeti da docekate
 zdravi;

 21) enorman porast proizvodnje i prodaje sporeta na drva;

 22) hodnik u soliteru pun drva za ogrev;

 23) slatku jezu koju stvara neizvesnost pri svakom ulasku u prodavnicu;

 24) konobare koji su grdno uvredjeni sto ste narucili samo kafu i
 kiselu;

 25) junsku platu u decembru;

 26) slave na kojima niko nece da prica o politici. Prvih pet minuta;

 27) cinjenicu da su se stare gace pocepale, a kupovina novih
 predstavlja cist luksuz;

 28) najveceg opozicionara Vuka Draskovica;

 29) najveceg opozicionara Zorana Djindjica;

 30) najveceg opozicionara Vojislava Kostunicu;

 31) mnogo najvecih opozicionara;

 32) Jul u julu;

 33) Jul u avgustu;

 34) Jul u septembru;

 35) Jul cele godine;

 36) generalne strajkove u kojima ucestvuje po dvesta radnika;

 37) mozgove koji misle da su odbranili mostove u Novom Sadu;

 38) generale koji u pauzi izmedju raznjica i vesalice prete ponovnim
 osvajanjem Kosova;

 39) ruski gas i americku humanitarnu pomoc koji tek sto nisu stigli;

 40) kasnjenje voza zbog kojeg bi u Japanu cela vlada izvrsila
 samoubistvo;

 41) stopedeset ljudi na vratima tramvaja;

 42) demonstracije koje nemaju veze sa zastitom foka i pravom na
 privatnost polarnih medveda;

 43) najuspesniju setvu i najrodniju zetvu;

 44) nestanak struje zbog prevelikih vrucina;

 45) nestanak struje zbog prevelikih hladnoca;

 46) nestanak struje zbog prejakog vetra;

 47) nestanak struje zbog kijavice;

 48) kijavicu zbog nestanka struje;

 49) nestanak struje bez ikakvog razloga;

 50) slavlje povodom dolaska struje;

 51) srecu najvecu sto je vasa zgrada prioritet pa vam nisu iskljucili
 struju;

 52) jos vecu srecu komsiluka iz zgrade preko puta koji aplaudira kad i
 vi ipak ostanete bez struje;

 53) mogucnost da Zorica Brunclik postane ministar kulture;

 54) studente koji uz parolu "Kulturo, eve me!" zeljno iscekuju da
 Zorica Brunclik postane ministar kulture;

 55) odgovorne izjave odgovornih ljudi da devalvacije dinara nece biti;

 56) devalvaciju dinara;

 57) jos jedan veeeeliki miting nakon koga ce Slobodan Milosevic SIGURNO
 otici sa vlasti.

 A sta propustamo mi, koji jos uvek nismo uspeli da postanemo dijaspora:

 1) sve ostalo.

 -----

 ENGLISH TRANSLATION:

 You live in Canada, the U.S., Australia, or elsewhere, far, far away
 from family, friends and homeland.  Occasionally you suffer from bouts
 of nostalgia and you feel like taking the first flight back to the
 native land, whatever the cost.  For times like that here is a brief
 list of the things, people, and events which you are unable to enjoy
 because of being so far away from home.

 You are missing out on the following:

 1) Energy coupons as substitutes for pensions;

 2) Trips to Sophia, Bulgaria, to act as local supporters for your
 football team;

 3) Serbian State network news;

 4) Rebuilding the country with our own resources;

 5) Delight at news that independent radio stations will again be
 broadcast to a whole of two percent of the Serbian electorate;

 6) Chance that you might be approached by attractive women in the
 street who ask you from where you got those two litres of cooking oil
 which you are carrying in your shopping bag;

 7) Chance that you might be approached by attractive women in the
 street who ask you where you got that half-litre of milk which you are
 carrying in your shopping bag;

 8) Chance that you might be approached by attractive women in the
 street who ask you from where you got that kilo of sugar which you are
 carrying in your shopping bag;

 9) Lots of opportunities of meeting attractive women;

 10)Sight of garbage cans from which peep retired professors;

 11)Fuel coupons which can't get you fuel;

 12)Buying fuel in two-litre bottles that can't hold two litres;

 13)Petrol stations turned into air spas, because there isn't a trace of
 cars or other air polluters anywhere around them;

 14)Drina tobacco sold in Marlboro boxes;

 15)Odoriferous underarms in stuffed public transport;

 16)Independent intellectuals making astute observations about the
 government being surpassed in incompetence only by the opposition;

 17)Shopping original American goods produced somewhere between Bulgaria
 and Romania;

 18)Pontoon bridges being declared projects of national importance;

 19)Burek and yoghurt;

 20)Hope that you might salvage your health through the winter in spite
 of no heating;

 21)Huge increase in the production and sale of wood stoves;

 22)Corridors in residential buildings filled with firewood;

 23)Shudders of uncertainty running down your back every time you walk
 into a shop;

 24)Waiters who are deeply offended because you only ordered coffee and
 water;

 25)June salary in December;

 26)Parties where nobody talks about politics.  For the first five
 minutes;

 27)The fact that your old underwear is coming apart, but replacing it
 would be pure luxury;

 28)Vuk Draskovic, greatest opposition leader;

 29)Zoran Djindjic, greatest opposition leader;

 30)Vojislav Kostunica, greatest opposition leader;

 31)Lots of greatest opposition leaders;

 32)JUL in July;

 33)JUL in August;

 34)JUL in September;

 35)JUL all year round;

 36)General strikes in which only 200 workers participate;

 37)Geniuses who believe they saved the bridges in Novi Sad;

 38)Army generals who threaten between their third and fourth course at
 dinner parties to win Kosovo back;

 39)Russian gas and American humanitarian aid which are about to arrive
 any minute now;

 40)Train delays of the kind which would cause suicide of the entire
 Japanese government;

 41)One hundred and fifty people hanging on the door of the tram;

 42)Public protests which have nothing to do with the protection of the
 sea lion and the polar bears' right to privacy;

 43)Power cuts caused by excessive heat;

 44)Power cuts caused by excessive cold;

 45)Power cuts caused by excessive wind;

 46)Power cuts caused by common cold;

 47)Common cold caused by power cuts;

 48)Power cuts caused by nothing at all;

 49)Celebrations to mark power resumption;

 50)Utter joy that your building is declared prioritary and you haven't
 been subjected to power cuts;

 51)Even greater joy of your neighbours from across the street cheering
 when you get your power cut after all;

 52)Chance that Zorica Brunclik might be nominated Minister for Culture;

 53)Students cheering "Culture, here we come!" as they eagerly await
 that Zorica Brunclik gets nominated Minister for Culture;

 54)Authorities making definitive assertions that the Dinar will not be
 devaluated;

 55)Devaluation of the Dinar;

 56)Yet another huuuge protest rally after which Slobodan Milosevic is
 CERTAIN to resign.

 And what are we missing out on, who haven't managed to get the heck out
 of here:

 1) Everything else.


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