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»WaRnInG«
Some jokes aren't for kids.. heh heh heh.. so don't blame be fer bein sick er nuttin eh.. they funny so they there.. don't freakin complain... and if yer a newfie.. no offence ta yaz =)
I AM A CAPE BRETONER!
Hey, I'm not a coal miner, or a fisherman and I don't live in a company house or own a kilt or play bagpipes, and I don't know John MacDonald although I'm sure if you knew his father's name or his family nickname, I might. My father is on pogie...not Employment Insurance. I speak Cape Bretonese not English or French - unless I'm from Cheticamp I say "Yous" not "you" when I am referring to more than one person. I can proudly sing every word to "The Island". I believe in saying Arsehole not Asshole, that Ashley MacIssac was fine until he went to Toronto, that "bet up" is the past tense is beat, and that after fifty you must go to "the Bingo". The stick is something Ma threatened to beat you with... you are a minority in Cape Breton if your Grandmother didn't have at least one picture of the Pope or that portrait of Jesus Christ and a "puck" means a really hard punch or hit, not just something you use in hockey. Nothing nice ever comes after the phrase "that one", your cousin is your cousint. Just as a conversation can begin with "What's going on B'y"....you can ask a complete stranger to "saves a puff". Moonshine, if drunk well, will give you the shits and you don't laugh really hard at something you "roar" at it. A BUNGALOW IS A COTTAGE YOU DON'T PRONOUNCE THE ''H'' AT THE END OF KEITH'S AND HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU PRONOUNCE "H" AGAIN? BY THE WAY, IT'S A ''POINT'' OF RUM, NOT A PINT OF RUM CAPE BRETON IS AN ISLAND OFF OF NOVA SCOTIA THE FIRST NATION OF TARBISH AND FIDDLE MUSIC AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA MY LAST NAME STARTS WITH "MAC" AND I AM A CAPE BRETONER!
You Know You're From North of Smokey When...
●Driving down Smokey in a snow storm "Ain't dat bad". ●You can get picked up hitchiking within 10 minutes. ●You know the name and rank of "Da new cop". ●You hit or came close to hitting a moose more then once. ●Not a week goes by without you hearing a story.. or a dozen stories about moose. ●School population lowers 85% “Settin' Day” . ●Having the fastest Ski-doo will get you skin. ●Charlie Ceff cuts your moose meat . ●You gave a tourist the finger or told them wrong directons at least once... and chances are they ended up in Meatcove or The Abby . ●You are or were a regular patron of the liquor store at 16 . ●”Da Legion” is the closest thing to a bar you will get . ●You got “bard” from da legion . ●You know ”Austin’s”, “Bert's” or “Doucettes”, “John’s Dairy”, “Da Co-op”, “Melvin’s” or “TnT” are stores, while “Scott’s”, “Donny’s”, “Wades” and “Gerald’s” are gas stations. ●You wish that “they” would just “take out wreck cove” when going to sydney . ●At the bottom of Smokey the technical speed limit becomes 120 “clicks” . ● You own a scanner.. and no not the kind you use to scan pictures. ●You have a “cb” in your car . ●You own a “Toronto Blue Jays World Series 94” shirt and still wear it faithfully . ●AC/DC is the shit and will always be the shit . ●A mullet is still fashionable to some . ●Not liking lobster is looked down upon . ●You get “wolsocks” for Christmas and wear them all year round . ●You live in a old trailer but still have a “dish” ..or three . ●You have to let all your realtives know your going to “sidnee” . ●You have more “runnin around” to do for other people then yourself when in Sydney . ●You know who were the last 5 owners of a dirt bike . ●You know the last 5 people the person you are seeing went out with . ●You were friends with the last 5 people the person you are seeing went out with . ●Arm wrestling or more then just a game . ●You saw or know somebody that saw Kevin Costner . ●A pastime is going to watch bears at "da dump" or up the mountain to watch the moose.
*Twas The Night Before Christmas in Cape Breton
Twas the night before Christmas in dis Caper house, and nuttin' was stirrin', not even our mouse. The rest of da family was all fast asleep, wit' visions of two-fours delivered by Jeep. Da pit socks was hung by da chimney wit care, in hopes dat Saint Nicholas soon would be dere. And in da far corner it was lovely to see, the Keith's cans and bingo dabbers dat huing from da tree. Ma home from the fish plant and me out on parole, she was snuggled in bed, I was perched on da bowl. He climbs outta da fireplace and I take a long look, he'd just like they show him in my coloring book. With vodka-glaced eyes and a stomach like a bubble, a five-day old beard and deres soot on his stubble. His teeth when he smiles look like Grampa's weed saw, and he wore tennis shoes big as grizzle bear's paw. This old Caper eld gives me nothing to fear, as he heads for da kitchen for cookies and beer. He kills off a six pack then belches and smirks, and reaches into the present sack, ready to work. Now under da tree he's starting to set, the most beautiful presents us Caper's can get. Dere's a new breadmaker and snowblower for Mudder, a steel chainsaw and some gumboots fer Brudder, Some mud flaps, CB, and new-used weedwacker, a helmet and nightshirt dat say "Cape Breton Eagles". He closes up da sack and he jumps in da coals and hollerin' "Ouch" up the chimney he rose. He grunted and groaned as he tossed out his bag, and cracked such a beer fart (ugh) I'm startin to gag. I must watch him leave so I rushes outside, I looks up at da roof while in the bushes I hide. And what does I see when I looks through da twigs? A rusted old car body, pulled by eight pigs! Santa jumped in and he gave 'em all hell, "Let's go all you's pigs, don't just sit there and smell!". On Mushy and Lushy and Lempy and Joe, and all you's others what names I don't know. Fly over Glace Bay and turn to da right, we make Dominion, Reserve before I get tight. Then I hear him exclaim with a cynical sneer, "Pull in at dat Keith's sign, I run outta beer."
North Side Chick
A young woman in North Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the young man brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the deck hands," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the PORT-AUX -BASQUE'S Ferry"
Tuff Women
Three Canadian men were traveling in the USA and happened to meet at a bar in NewYork City. One man was from Toronto, one from Montreal and one from Nova Scotia. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from Toronto began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well - the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." Then the man from Montreal spoke up: "I sat moi wife down and tellsted her, dat from now on she hav' to do her own shoppin', also da cleanin'.r Da first day I sees nothin'. Da second day I sees nothin'. But on the turd day when I comes home, da whole house was spotless, and in the pantry da shelves were filled with da groceries." The fellow from Nova Scotia was married to a woman from Cape Breton. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well - the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye..."
You Live In Cape Breton When...
You Know You Live In Cape Breton When: 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway; 2. "Vacation" means going to Halifax for the weekend; 3. You measure distance in hours; 4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once; 5. You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day; 6. You use a down comforter in the summer; 7. Your grandparents drive at 100 km/h through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching; 8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events; 9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked; 10. You think of the major food groups as deer, meat, fish and Keiths; 11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them; 12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time; 13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit; 14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow; 15. You think lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas; 16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction; 17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a hurry, because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town; And finally, You Know You Live In Nova Scotia When....... 18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends who live in Cape Breton.
Cape Breton Style
An older man in the Maritimes calls his son on the West Coast and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - thirty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the older man says. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Toronto and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately, and screams at him, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The older man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for next Christmas?
Today's News
I just received this important notice for those of you who are planning a trip to Cape Breton in the next little while. There has been a major shortage of hotel rooms in Sydney as reported by the Cape Breton Post on Saturday. It seems that all the rooms are booked and even some people are renting out rooms in their own houses. Just today they have put the top officials, the Regional Police on the case to try to figure out why. Then they got a tip from someone and it resulted in the following conclusion... All the Newfoundlanders are over to watch the Olympics in Sydney....;-)))
Heaven
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous Canadian cathedrals. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Vancouver, thinking that he would work his way across the country from west to east. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Calgary. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Vancouver and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Edmonton, Saskatoon, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa and Montreal and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. Finally, the American arrived in Halifax, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over Canada and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other provinces the price per call was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here? The priest smiled and answered, "You're in the Maritimes now son, it's a local call".
Newfies ARE Smart
And who says Newfie's aren't real bright? ..."Hello, is this the RCMP?" ..."Yes. What do you want?"..."I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." ..."Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana. They swore at Mike and left. The phone rang at Mike's house. "Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come?" ..."Yeah!" ..."Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." .."Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Durtay Jokez
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist? A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job? A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie? A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse? A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex? A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy? A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
»CoNdOmS«
•Nike Condoms: Just do it. •Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. •Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. •Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. •Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. •Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. •Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. •Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. •Ford Condoms: The best never rest. •Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. •Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? •New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know. •California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? •Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. •KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. •Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing. •Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. •Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. •The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face... •General Electric: We bring good things to life! •AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.' •Bounty: The quicker picker upper. •Microsoft: where do you want to go today ? •Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... •M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!' •Chevron: use them? people do. •Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border •MCI: for friends and family •Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! •The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter •Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are •United Airlines travel pack: Fly United •The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before •Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef? •Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam •Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right! •Maxwell House: Good to the last drop! •McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served •Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities •Burger King: Have it your way •Dairy Queen: We treat you right •AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
°The Teddy Bears°
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."
Three Dickless Guys
Three Dickless Guys There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's. The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "I have no dick!" So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week. The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks. "I have no dick!" The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week. The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week. A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!" "Why?" asks the doctor. "Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out. The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!" "Why?" the doctor asks. "Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out. The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!" "Why?" "Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"*I've Got A Rash*
I've Got a Rash This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?" The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work." The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work. The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants." The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?" The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"3 Wishes
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream." So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass, to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.Sunburn
A man fell asleep on the beach and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony. The Doctor attending him prescribed continuous intravenous feeding of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?", the nurse inquired. "It will keep the sheet off of him." answered the doctor.Rhyme
There was a young lady from Kew, Who said, as the bishop withdrew. 'The vicar is quicker, and slicker and thicker And three inches longer than you!'Goin' To Chicago
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in Chicago!**Lil' Poemz**
There once was a man named Dave, who kept a dead whore in a cave, she had only one tit, and smelled worse than shit, but think of the money Dave saved.There once was a man from Kent, whose cock was so long it bent, to save himself trouble, he put it in double, and instead of cumming he went.
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose cock was so long he could suck it, while licking his chin, he said with a grin, if my ear was a cunt I'd fuck it.
There was a farting contest coming to town and people came from miles around the first fart was extremely loud the second fart pleased the crowd the third fart, the judges cried "He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
There once was a security guard Who had some troubles keeping it hard He jerked it off nightly And squeezed it tightly while looking at his identification card.
There once was a man from Peru who fell asleep in a canoe while dreaming of Venus he played with his penis and woke up all covered with goo
Gorgey Porgey puddin and Pie. Jerked off in his girlfriends eye. When her eye was good and shut, Gorgey Fucked that one eyed slut.
There was an old lady from Wheeling, who had a funny feeling she laid on her back, and tickled her crack and pissed all over the ceiling
Hickery Dickery Dock The bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dropped my goo And dropped the bitch off at the next block!
Jack be nimble Jack be quick Jack burnt off his little Dick!
Old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to fetch her poor dog a bone. But when she bent over, Rover took over And the bitch got a bone of her own!
Mary had a little sheep, And with this sheep She went to sleep. The sheep turned out To be a ram And Mary had a little lamb!
A sexy young maiden named Jill Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill They found her vagina In North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil
There once was a man from Moline who made a jack off machine at thirty-two strokes the cock sucker broke and turned his balls into cream!
^The Newfie Mountie^
Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "what the hell was that for?" The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The Mountie runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks him up side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true." The Passenger says, "huh?" The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"~-The Signal-~
Through the pitch-black night in St John's Harbor, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change YOUR course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call.".^.Newfie VS Taliban.^.
A large contingent of Taliban troops was moving down a road in northern Afghanistan when they were startled by a voice from behind a sand dune. "One Newfoundlander is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander selects ten of his toughest troops and sends them over the dune. Gunfire and screams ensue and then...silence. "One Newfoundlander is better than one hundred Taliban," the voice from behind the dune exclaims. Furious, the Taliban commander sends 100 of his battle-hardened troops over the dune. Again gunfire and screams and again... silence. "One Newfoundlander is better than one thousand Taliban," the voice proclaims. The enraged Taliban commander musters an elite thousand-man force and sends them over the dune. Gunfire, explosions, screams fill the air as the battle is fought. Then...silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and cries out. "Don't send any more men, it's a trap! There are two of them!"-Short_Jokes-
George: Did you hear about the 4 taliban terrorists that's got caught in Newfoundland b'y? Albert: G'wan b'y, how'd they gets caught? George: Well the local's got Bin Sleepin', Bin Drinkin', Bin Fightin' down at the tavern, but they say they'll have a hard time finding the fourth, Bin Workin'Did you hear about the Newfie terrorist who tried to blow up a school bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Did you hear about the Newfie who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
How many Newfies does it take to go ice fishing? Four. One to cut a hole in the ice and three to push the boat through.
Did you hear about the Newfie who went ice fishing? He caught fifty pounds of ice and his wife drowned trying to cook.