Cleaning the slate
Mood:  caffeinated
Now Playing: Tim and the Dancehall Docters
It's an interesting feeling going through another year of school and also knowing it will be my last. A part of me is exhilarated to get out of the high school ritual, and the rest is just plain numb realizing that I have to make something of myself. I've gone through all these years of teaching and now I have to use the knowledge I've gained to make a choice of which college to attend to, or if I'm even going. Years of slacking off have come back to taunt me. Perhaps I should have not blown off the one major project of the year in Math Modeling... then maybe I wouldn't be stuck in another semester with Ota and many retarded Freshman. Then again, most of the assignments we're doing have to do with budgeting and searching for the best apartments- things which I'm going to have to deal with soon.

Although I guess you'd need money to do that sort of thing. I've been through the whole job searching thing. I spent the past two of my summers filling out apps, calling, doing interviews, and nothing. Maybe I'm just unlucky, the college crowd always beat me to it. Or maybe because most of the time I wasn't "experienced enough" or "too young". It's really heartbreaking when you get done with a good interview but they never call back. Especially somewhere like Dairy Queen. I had a great interview but never heard back. It was like them saying "Sorry, we don't want you. We need experienced fingers that can push big buttons". Sometimes I actually take pride in my non-ability to work. My parents still have to support me and I still have no worries under their wing. I imagine it'll be hard to adjust later to a working schedule but I'll take freedom any day I can. Not to say I don't want to work. I do, trust me. After hearing the repeated lectures of 'time wasting away' i would much rather be out doing something then setting on my bum as I am now. But it does give me a refreshing time to reflect on the past and present.

I think that's why our faces turn sterner as we age. We don't have enough time anymore to stop and look around. Sometimes we bounce from the minutes in our day worrying about deadlines, traffic, and what-nots. We need to be able to have more than a couple scattered holidays and two-week vacations that I feel are only to catch up on the much-needed sleep. Maybe it's just me but I think thoughts are too deep and weighted that they sometimes need a couple hours to sink in. More than anything we need to let go of our controlled schedules and brain-washed minds to swallow a little of what we are. It's hard to comprehend at times, and usually the inner fights hurt worse than the fist. As someone once told me, we should just do things without the fear. What is fear anyways? One could say it's just in the mind, right? The mind is a part of us. So it's really just being afraid of yourself. Which is ridiculous. So why worry about it? Just do it.

This senior year is all about trusting myself and throwing fear aside. It's about noticing what I want more. It's about accepting what I am and what I have grown into. And it's about reaching for what I can be. A new beginning to the race, a fresh start, a clean slate.