My diary, Tottally un-edited

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This is my on-line diary for the school year of 2002-2003 tottally un-edited and real. Please if you have problems w/ swears,real-life issues and bad spelling please leave now.

Starts September 4 2002

September 4 2002.
First day of school ok so i went to phs today, IT SUCKED!!! i didnt know ONE PERSON. and no one even said hi to me. the school is huge and you have know idea how many times i got lost. i even stopped counting.so my dad dropped me off at the side doors this morning and i followed people around aimlessy till i found a sign that said 10th graders to the theater. so i went in there and this man called out the names of people to go to their academic facilitatores, well guess who's nome wasn't called, yup, mine. so then this girl lisa showed me where the guidence room was and they told me where to go. so i went to the room and when i walked in the lady said "meagan?" "yea?" "you dont have a locker, go to guidence" where i had just come from, it took forever and finnally i turned in a sheet saying i didnt have a locker and went to my first period class. (needless to say i couldnt find it and was way late)the next few periods went by without and real stories, except im music there is this kid named charly who i know from 8th grade orcestra, and i HATE HIM HE DRIVES ME NUTS CAUSE HE WONT SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways at lunch since i didnt know anyone i had to sit all alone and i was across from this whole group of retarded people and now i dont have anything agains them but they kept making weird noises and it was driving me nuts. so since i didnt have a locker i was lugging around TONS of book and it was killing my back. so at the end of the day i went to get a locker and the lady stole my schedual so now i dont know what to do in the morning, and my locker is WAYYYYYY down in the basment, scary place. and i got lost again trying to leave that god forsaken place, i absolutly didnt know how to get out!!! finnally i found the door and it was like 40 minuets after school had let out.
so that was my first day please leave me comments in the guest book on my main site, i mean its the least you can do after i wrote all that and i HATE typing.

P.S. my history teachers name is Ms. DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bye, meagan

Septemper 5th
hello my fellow fans (yea right) anyway my day wasnt as bad as yesturday, but it still sucked. i had to sit near the retarded people again, cause i left the form at home that my parent signed saying i could leave the school groungs for lunch. (i tryed to anyway but i saw officers so i figured they would ask me where my pass was so i decided not to risk it after all it is only the 2nd day and i dont feel like getting into trouble already) and i figure if i gotta be alone at lunch and look like a loser i want to look like less of one because no one will see me. i did talk to some girls today because i had to do a lab with them so i did talk to people today.and i thought i look good today too cause i really tryed, now i didnt look bad yesturday just not good, so today i wore a long black v-neck shirt and pinstripe pants, with these HUGE heeled shoes, my math teacher even asked me if i could walk up the stairs with them on i said "yea" but i acually had to hold onto the railing to assure that i didnt fall. i LOVE english class i sit right next to the window it the WAYYYYY back, infact i think they added my seat after words because they had too many people so i am practinle hidden behing the file cabinet, which i case you were wondering is a very good thing, i would hate be be in the front, i guess god decided to be gracios to me after i was MISERABLE there.
anyway im hungry so i will stop not, again please stop now PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me comments in my guest book dont even worry about filling out all the stupp there just leave me comments. thanks meagan

September6th
good morning my fans, it is 6:56 in the morning, and i am waiting to go to school, normally i would be out doing my route but i stayed in bed this morning trying to delay the sure to come horror, school, so mom when she came home a little late already to find me not ready she was more than a little man, oh well i most likly will have to pay her double or triple, that sucks.i really dont want to go to school, for the past 3 days i have woken up sooooo sick feeling, i honestly thought i was going to throw up my tooth paste. i dont know if i will write more later because i am just soooo tired, i mean i went to bed at 6:00 last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! man that is early, so i dont know how long i will last today. i didnt even do any homework, though i had mom cover my math book, well dad wants to leave now so i g2g please leave me comments in the guest book and ill talk to ya later meagan..... ok its still the 6th but now its aroung 6 at night and i am upset at a few things, #1 i wouldnt have even been awake now but the little kids that live in this house plus a million of their friends( who by the way are sleeping over) *grone ARRGGG HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT WORD?????? ok anyway they woke me up because they were like screaming right out side my door. #2 i just checked my guestbook and did anyone leave me messages???? hmmm??? NO!!!!! PLEASE leave me messages or this will be a compleate waste of time for me, and you know what??? i havent typed this much in like forever, and if you will remember i HATE typing so in conclusian please leave me comments. *sigh i have so much homework to do. :( meagan oh yeah 2 good things happened today... i got to go off grounds for lunch today ( i went against every thing and got a wopper, it was very good) and the other thing was that mikki came to visit me at school today and i got to complain about all my troubles to her :)

sorry i havent updated in sooooo long, but i tryed twice and both tmes it got delited, and the last time i tryed the entry i wrote was HUGE you just have no idea, i hade the worst day possable, and i wanted to tell you all about it but there was no way i was going to type all that over again, sigh, im sorry anyway i have a new guy, i cant tell you his name but i will tell you he goes to my school, hmmmmm what shalll i call him???? Mr. X. that will be his name. well i'll try to updat soon sorry bye hi, i went to see tuck everlasting and i just want to tell the world that i think you should all go see it, it was the best movie, it tied with lord of the rings!! so then it must be really good. anyway about the rest of my life... it sucks. thats all i can say, i havent made one single friend at school, that is sad, im just a loser i guess a anti-social loser, i thought i was making some friends, i foun some poepole to sit with al lunch and i tought theey were my friends, but today i guess they decided that they were sick of eating with me so they sat at a differant table, and its not like there wasnt any room, because there was plenty. oh yes my dad sighed me up for psat's online but it turned out that you can do that at my school for some odd reson so i was stuck looking dumb because i thought i had them and i didnt. i borrowed a wicked cool shirt from johanna today and i thought i would get lots of complaments... did i? not one, noone said one word about how i looked, i have decided that i am invisable, and thats all, why dont poeple like me? i had a bunch of friends at taconic last year but none this year, i dont understand, i hate my life. goodday.

im starting over, becauseas you can see i havent made much progress,

january 14, 2003

tuesday,
yesturday was orlando blooms birthday, so of course me and johanna had to celabrate, so we baked him a cake, and threw him a party, but of course i have troubles baking cakes, so it fell apart, but we fixed it and noone really knew. school is better now but i still have almost zero friends, and i still like that guy but there is someone else too, he is im my spanish class and he just moved from somewhere and he has a really pretty accent, ( i always fall for the ones with the accents ) anyway the only problem is i think he is younger that me :( but he doesnt seem it at all, he is very mature and even has a little goetee thing going on. anyway moving on, my locker got stuck 3 times today, and i had to keep going to these horrable ladies in attendance to help me find a janitor to help me unlock my locer and the last one didnt even belive i couldnt get it unlocked, like i want to spend more time than i have to at that damn school. stupid people. i went to an addition sunday in boston for the school of american ballet, the new york city ballet school. it was so much fun but i dont think i got in, but i knew i wouldnt, but you never know, maybe they saw something they liked in me. i will go now, goodbye

january 18 2003

i hate being poor, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate being poor, i hate having to spend so much time a week just trying to find some clothes to wear because they are either too small, big, ugly, warn, or have holes in them. all because im poor, i hate having to get up every morning at 5:00 to go to my paper route to pay for ballet because my father has no job and hasn't had one since last march. all because im poor. i hate not being able to invite anyone to my house because it is falling around our ears, all because i am poor and my dad will not get off of his obiese butt to do anything. i hate that my dad will not look for work. i hate that i feel that this is what i am doomed to be, that i will never escape this life, poor, poverty, fat. i hate that i eat when i am under strees because i am poor. i hate that i hardly have any friends. i hate that i may have to quit ballet, the thing that i want to make my life, because we have no money. i hate that they will not give us any more unemployment. i hate that we ever moved to this hateful place and i hate myself.

feb, 24 2003

i am back in school after feb vacation, and hating it. i did nothing the whole time, samta was sick for a while and so was i, and joie was skiing in utah so it made or a hard time to hang out but i did see more movies in this vacation then all year but it has only been two monthes. i saw daredevil and how to lose a guy in 10 days, than a bunch that i rented. im gonna talk about valentines day, there is this guy names ricky who i think may like me and have sent me a message in our school newspaper it said, " to meghan graham, happy valentines day, from someone who loves you" and he said it as from his friend but i know other wise, he is so wierd, nice but so weird, he talks like a girl and just is creepy, i sent a candy gram to a guy, and it was so corny what i said i said, : even though you may never know i really do like you, and i hope one day you will know it and like me back too. m, p.s. i have blond hair, i know he will know it is me and im about to see him, we pass each other in the hall. the bell just rung, goodbye
now i am at home, and really cold, andyway, i was that guy, his name is luke, and he didn't even say anything. my friend ocksana likes him soooo much and she told him so and he got all freaked out and won't talk to him so i think its not worth it to fret. ocksana said i should ask him to the sadie hawkinds dance where the girls ask the guys, cause she won't since she is mad at him, but i said NO! cause i remembered what happened at the last dance i ever went to, it like ruiened all dances for me from now on. ok change of subject, i wish i was back at taconic. i have been feeling this way more and more these days, but i can never go back im sure, noone would accept me, i think it is just best if i stay at phs even though i hate it more and more everyday. ok, change of subject again, i feel like i am the only republican in this whole darn place, everywhere, ballet, school, joies everyone says how much they cant stand bush, and there are more and more anti- war protests at park square, and it is driving me nuts! for all the word to hear...I LIKE GEORGE BUSH, AND I SUPPORT THIS WAR AND I KNOW WE WILL COME OUT ON TOP!!!! AND I DON'T CARE NOONE WILL CHANGE MY MIND! I AM A REPUBLICAN!!!!!!!ok now i feel better, itsjust that everyday i go into history and always have to say stuff to support my stands because everyoone is staying other stuff, and its clear that i am the only one in there, i swear that is supporting this. we had to write a journal question an wearth we supported the war or not, and my teacher saidi wasthe only one out of 80 of her students that was pro- war. oh well. i wrote alot i'll stopp now bye bye

march 17, st patricks day.

ok i am supposed to be writing a spanish project but i dont feel like it. i am in the computer lab. i hate this and i hate this school, it makes me mad, i am so stresed out, i have a chem test, a history test, and a chem project due. and i am just cracking under the pressure, but its weird, nomally i could care less, i think its the month of march that makes me so stressed out. i hate march. i think i have that sort of thing that is called a monthly depression, and march is my month. anyway next month is my birthday, i will be 16. the sweet 16 only it most likely wont be sweet. i told my mom that i didnt want a party, but i sort of do. but i hate parties, like what if noone shows up,hold that thought., ok never mind i thought my teacher was comming over to check on me but she wasnt. i think she forgot about me, i gues i am invisible. cool.anyway back to the party, what if everyone is bored, and just wants to leave. i am so fat noone will want to look at me, and at parties you are the center of attention and i dont want everyone looking at me. maybe i should stop drinking so much esspresso, i think its making me go crazy. im feeling very paranoid, but i dont let it show. maybe i am having a heart attack. i think i am, oh well then i will be dead and wont have to worry about chem projects or birthdays. if i were to die, i wonder if the people who were so mean to me would be sorry. i wonder if many people would come to my funeral. i want to be creamated, so the worms wont eat me.i hope my parents will bury me right away instead of leaving me in a closet like they did to grandma. for 4 years. grandma's d' day is comming up. april 4th. it will be 6 years. i dont know why her death hit me so hard. everyones grandparents die and most eveyone gets over it but me. oh well i already know i am crazy. i sort of hope noone reads this, it has become more of a personal journal instead of a public one. i wish i was skinny. oksana keeps telling me that i am a twig but i dont belive her. we are staying after school to work out today. it will be fun even though phs's workout room sucks. i hate this school. some kids in my spanish class were just talking about me. i hate them all. they must die. heeheehee. i wish i could do what that lady on the progressive commercial does, i will make all their heads shrink. fuck this school and fuck all the people in it. why do they make fun of me, i didnt do anything to them, i wish i had more friends. them i could laugh at them, and be supported. i will go now. goodbye.

March 18th

ok, i will tell you about my day. i stayed in bed as long as possable them got out but i didnt have time to iron my pants to they had killer wrinkles in them and it was so emmbarresing.the 1st period we had a speaker in our class who told us about hondourios, and it was really intereting. 2nd was fine. 3rd is chem and we were suppossed to have a test today but my teacher had to go on a field trip with her honors classes and we would have had to take the test anyway but there was no sub. so we didnt. but... what we did do was, 1. steal the test that was on her desk. 2. leave. 3. throw stools out the window and hide them in the ceiling so it will fall on my teachers head one day. 4. play with the eye wash. 5. turn one of her desk drawers upsidown so when she opends it all the stuff will fall out. 6.lots of other stuff. what was she thinking leaving our class alone. how stupid. anyway 4th period. health. htere is this stupid girl there who copyed my idea for my brochure, we both did anorexia and he seemed more impressed by her's than mine. AND i also found out she dances. and she acted all proud when i asked her about it, she was like " oh yes, i do ballet AND pointe." like it was some huge feat. i do ballet nd pointe also much more that you and i do it at a better school and i am prettier!!!!!!!!! ( she is really ugly) anyway moving on 5th. nada to talk about that one. ok now comes the importaint one. yestarday i found a mesage in my homework book that said... " whats up? nothin here. i like your kitty, i hear it is fluffy." then at the bottem, crossed out it said, "meagan likes it doggy style." i didnt know what it said at first but during health class today i figured it out. i was so mad and yesturday in math i had asked if some guys in my class had writen it, and they all said no, but there was one guy who was out that day and so i figured it was him. so i was so mad, and so i told him but he denied it, but after a while he made me so mad that i snapped and said, "fuck you kyle!" then me and my friend decided it wasnt him but this other guy named cris, and so i blamed him and was really mean, and them my friend said, " maybe it was someone in another class." at first i was like " no" but then i remembered the kids in my spanish class yesturday, and that i had left my homework book on the table they were sitting at, and i felt soooooo bad. it all made sence now, why they were laughing, and saying my name, and i felt to terrable that i had blamed cris and kyle, and i said i wassorry and they said it was all right but i feel so bad anyway. i got kyle's s/n and i plan on talking to him tonight and really apologizing, he is the one that i feel the worst about being mean to, i dont know why, i should have known he would never have said anything like that to me. ok well that was my day. i will go now, goodbye. p.s. i saw the skinniest lady i have ever seen, she must have been 5'11 and 70 lbs.she was walking down the street.

january 3rd. 2004
so here i write again, a year later. alot has changed, im now 16, almost 17, still at phs, made some more friends, but not alot, and i have a boyfriend. and that is what im going to talk about today, since it is a saturday night, and i have nothing better to do, and im really hurting about this. my boyfriends name is tom, he is my first boyfriend ever, but he doesnt know that, and im not planning on telling him anytime soon, in fact, ever. so i like him alot, i met him through this guy at my work named ethan. extreamly beautiful ( ethan is) and i was attracted to his friend ( tom) because tom has lots of peiricings, and tattoos, he is covered in tattoos, i love them soooo much. so we began hanging out, and drinking, and this one time we were drinking, we went to the lake, and ended up kissing, ( my first real kiss, i had kissed alot of people before, but only when i was drunk, so i counted this one as real, except, come to think of it, i was drunk then too, hmmmm, i get drunk alot( im an alcohalic, or at least i want to be)) and finnally he asked if we wanted to be together, i of course said yes. that was on october 17th, my half birthday. so things were good for a while, he said he loved me, and never wanted any other girls, and he wanted to be with me forever. i think things went bad when i found out how old he really was. 20. and he is going to be 21 on march 8th. but really thats ok with me, i love him, i love everything about him, how he looks ( he isnt that cute though) and how eh talks, his expressions, his tattoos, his peirecings (penis!!!!) the way he is great at the guitarr, everything. except the way he treats me, its nothing sexual, he said he would wait for me forever, but its how i havent talked to him in a mad long time, hasnt seen him in over 3 weeks, thatis crazy, and how he didnt even call me on christmas, or new years, or anytime!!! i always wait around hoping he will call me, or answer my e-mail, or come online, i check my e-mail so many time, because thats really the only way we talk. i would call him, except i never know where he is going to be staying, he lives so many different palces, his life is so messd up. he said that he does love me, nad he just needs to get his life straightened out. but my friend samta says, and im beggining to think this too, that he has found someone new. josh says the way he treats me is B.S. and im stupid to letit continue, but he's all i ever wanted, and i really do love him. i dont know what to do, i wrote him 2 e-mails, no reply, and i called his dads house too, no reply, i left a message. i dont know waht else to do. for 3 weeks, i have been waiting, every timethe phone rings, i think that its gonna be him, and it never is. i dont know what i did wrong, but i need him back, or im gonna go crazy.

Email: snowflower_87@yahoo.com