Quotes from Jeff

Jeff says many interesting and...quite thought-provoking things. Some of these quotes are said at the spur of the moment, though he probably does script some of these. But, lots of them come from the heart itself...well, just read them.

I’m trying to look cool, but I’m this close to having to change my underpants.
You can milk a camel, okay, not that one, that’s a male.
You hear that? He’s bubbling his soft pallet. My stomach was doing that after I ate a bunch of curry last night.
There is a bathroom and interestingly it is a hole in the floor of the train and you just do your duty.
Well there you go, an Asiatic black bear, showing us how he climbs a tree, takes care of an itch, walks on the ground, and makes the naturalist move away very quickly.
That’s kinda nice, stop it! Stop it! I’m a married man! (talking to a bear licking his ear)
Orignally I was bouncing around this cave like a drunken ballerina.
I have just netted the smallest flying mammal on planet. On my planet, my planet Earth.
Don’t ever catch an owl, they hurt.
Is he okay mommy? Is he gonna be okay? He’s gone to heaven sweetheart. (talking about an empty turtle shell)
It’s a little dirtier down at that end (after touching a bear’s butt)
He’s producing some nasty smells at the backend.
I know I’m getting close, not because I can see them, I can’t see them. But boy can I smell them.
Ow stop it, you’re getting frisky!
He came here to find the fountain of youth. Did he find it? No, cause he’s dead.
Another skank. Tons of skanks. They’re all over the place!
And I’m gonna tell you a very happy story. It’s about a ballerina-wanna-be…
When this guy’s in a bad moon, you might be missing a leg.
Something like 70% of all rattlesnake bites involve alcohol, and I don’t think it was the snake that was drinking.
Cow patty, just for you.
Remember, it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing.
In fact, looking at this green color reminds me of that lovely shag carpet we had growing up, what can I say. We had a lot of class.
What you do privately in your underpants is your business, just don’t run away.
On and remember, what happens on the road, stays on the road. Alright?

…he has just peed on my head.
He has attached himself to a very nice supply of blood. Thank gosh he is a few inches below another very important supply of blood. (think about that important supply...)
When I daydream it always seems to turn into some disaster plot.
Who need potato peelers when you got sticks?
I am face to face with one very large, very horny creature.
Jeff: You think what I’m doing is interesting, you should see what Amy is measuring. Amy what are you measuring? Amy: I’m measuring the testicles Jeff! Jeff: You can’t get enough of that can you? Good for you!
Monkeys give me willies.
Look at my legs, oh god that can’t be good…three feet of bat crap.
Remember when I said I’d kill you last? I lied.
These guys are good. As you can see champagne and oysters are not necessary (commenting on two mating turtles)
So make like a tree and go away.
I feel like I’m in a 1950’s Japanese horror movie!
In Thailand, I did an interpretation of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Jeff.
Oh he jus- sorry I can give you a lot of things, but I can’t give you milk.
*cough* *gag* I just inhaled a mosquito.
Pero um a nosotros um quieremos caiman negro. No? Si, we want the black caiman. I gotta learn Spanish.
This a- ouch! Stronger than I thought, I was gonna say, this is a useless claw, but they got some strength here.
I kid because I love.
It’s funny, there are many beautiful angles to a cow, but the angles I’m getting, ain’t so beautiful.
I broke the lanuage barrier (talking to otters)
I said I’d give you peanuts, stop that, what is it that you need? You’re needy, you have issues (talking o a young elephant that was interested in his..um..)
I feel like there’s something very powerful between my legs (riding an elephant)
Poisnous snakes crawling out of the sea, covering an entire island? Sounds like heaven to me!