If you're going my way, I'll walk with you.

Should I smile, Cuz ur my friend, Or cry..Cuz that's all we'll ever be?

No guy is worth your tears & when you find one that is, he won't make you cry.

Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again....skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts!

Everyone says you only fall in love once but thats not true, everytime I hear your voice I fall in love all over again

If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be broken but a circle goes on forever

You laugh because im diffrent i laugh because you're all the same

To the world your just one person but to one person you could mean the world

DONT HATE ME BECASUE IM BEAUTFUL HATE ME BECAUSE YOUR MAN THINKS I AM

DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME UNLESS U REALLY MEAN IT, CUZ I MIGHT DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE BELIEVE IT

When I first saw you I was afarid to talk to you*When i first talked to you I was afraid to like you*When i first liked you i was afarid to love you*Now that I love you I m afraid to lose you

whats betta? a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?

Last night I looked up at the stars And matched each one with a reason why I love you I was doing great, but then I ran out of stars

A KISS BLOWN IS A KISS WASTED THE ONLY REALY KINDA KISS IS A KISS TASTED

a peach is a peach a plum is a plum a kiss isnt a kiss without some tongue

milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink?

Loving *U* is like breathing...how can i stop

I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. Turned off the bed, and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me good night

If yOu ReAlLy LoVe SoMeThInG sEt iT fReE, iF iT cOmEs BaCk iT's YoUrS, iF iT dOeSn'T iT wAs NeVeR MeAnT tO Be

A MiLLi0n WoRDs Would Not Bring You Back, I Kn0w, BecauseI've Tried. Neither Would A Million TeaRs. I Know, BeCause I've Cried

A MeMoRy LaStS 4eVeR NeVeR DoEs it DiE TrUe FrieNdS StAy toGeThEr AnD NeVer SaY GoOdByE

A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes, A Person Who Doesn't Is A Fool Forever ...

Love Is When You Don't Want To Go To Sleep Because Reality Is Better Than A Dream

Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back

If I could be anything I would be your tear, so I could be born in your eye, live down your cheek and die on your lips

If you love me like you told me please be careful with my heart you can take it; just don't break it or my world will fall apart

God made elks, god made deers,God made NSYNC a bunch of QUEERS

Everyday That Goez By It Seemz Like I Discover Somethíng New about You To Love It'z Incredíble To Me How One Per§on Can Make Such A IG* Dífference In My Lífe You Touch Me In A Way No One Else Ever Haz And Gíve Me So Many Reasonz To Love You

dOn't settLe 4 the oNe yOu Can LiVe wiTh...wAit 4 tHe onE yOu Can't Live WithOut

NoThiN iS mOrE pAiNfuL Then ReALiZiN He MenT eVeRyThiN 2 u,& u MenT nOtHiN 2 HiM

Don't push any1 to hard, if it's meant to be, it will happen

I wasn't Kissing him, I was just telling his lips a secret!!

do u believe in love at first site? or should i walk by again?

Roses are red violets are blue god made me pretty what happened to you?

NØ ØNE CaN TeLL Me WhaT Tø Dø ¡T's My L¡Fe N i'LL L¡Ve iT ThE WaY *¡* WanT To

GUYS ARE LIKE ROSES WATCH OUT FOR THE PRICKS

who let the dogs out??... WHO WHO WHO WHO? who let the dogs out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO??!?!?! please e-mail me back if u have the answer, my dogs have been missing all day!!

ReMeMbEr mY nAmE * ReMeMbEr My FaCe * CuZ tHeRe AiNt nO oThA hOnEy ThAt CaN tAkE mY pLaCe

I'm Loved by some, Hated by many, Envied by most, Yet wanted by plenty

would you catch me if i fall..do you even notice me..at all?

If ur naughty go 2 ur room.. If u wanna be naughty, go 2 mine

DONT WISH UPON A STAR REACH FOR ONE

God created men first, cause you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece

It's not the size of the dog, It's the size of the fight in the dog!

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

only little boys who call themselves men say I love you, and don't mean it.

I Am A Princess, I Live In The Clouds, If You Wanna Kick It With Me, You Better Bow Down, So Get On Your Knees, And Call Me Your Highness, Cuz Baby Believe Me I'm New York's Finest!

Some times ur mind doesnt want u 2 be in love..but deep down u know you are....

Do I Look like a grocery item to you?¿?¿? I see you checking me out!!

If You Luv Me... Let Me Know... If You Don't... Then Let Me Go

*::--;LoVe iZ LiKe QuiCkSanD-dA DeEpEr u FaLL iN iT ThA HaRdA iT iZ 2 GeT OuT;--::*

Ur HuGz N KiSsEz R LiKe ThE StArZ U LiTe Up mY LiFe wHeN tHiNgZ gEt DaRk

Did u fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!

*ThEy SaY tRuE lOvE hiDeS bEhiNd eVeRy CoRnEr...I mUsT bE wALkiNg iN CiRcLeS!!!*

If Your asking if I Need U the answer is 4Ever.. If Your askin if I'll Leave U the answer is Never..If Yur askin what I value the Answer is U.. if Yur askin if I love U the answer is I do

what's the difference between boy's soccer and girl's soccer? oh ya girl's make it look better!!

Love is like sand, if ya hold on to it too tight.. It might slip away~!

¨*:·.PeOpLe ArE gUnA tALk BoUt u SpEcIaLlY wHeN tHeY eNvY u N tHe LiFe U LiVe...lEt ThEm..U aFfEcTeD tHeIr LiVeS...tHeY dIdNt AfFeCt UrS...·:*

Did the sun just come out or did you just smile at me?

Give a mouse a cookie, he'll want a glass of milk

*I wAnTeD 2 KiLL dA sExiEsT PeRsOn ALiVe ThEn I rELiZeD....oHh Ya! SuCiCiDeZ a CriMe!*

Well if i called the wrong number, whyd you answer?

There's a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it's not a train.

*4GeT THe TiMeS u WaLKeD By* 4GeT THe TiMeS u MaDe Me CRy* 4GeT THe TiMe u HeLD My HaND *4GeT THe SWeeT THiNGS iF i CaN*I cAn No LoNgEr PrEtEnD*I GoTTa ReMeMBeR NoW uR JuST My FRieND.*

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

When I look at you my heart skips 1 beat but later that beat could mean a life time of tears wasted on some thing i knew i could never have!

an angel is what i was meant to be thats why bein sweet come so naturally!

Friends r like stars they come and go but da 1's dat stay r the 1's that glow

~If I could be an angel, I'd make your every wish come true, but I am only human, Just a girl who's loving you~

How can you be friends with someone if everytime you look at them, it makes you want them even more?

*I wish I may, I mish I might, be the one you wish for tonite*

"it's quality not quantity"

You never know what you have until you lose it, and once you lose it, you can never get it back

You know your in love when the hardest thing to say is goodbye.

you used to make me smile, you used to make me laugh, but now your attitude makes me want to yak.

Don't be a guy, The world is full of guys.Be a MAN

Love is ... Running into his arms, Colliding with his heart, And exploding into his soul.

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

I know my calculouse it says U=ME=US

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!

When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself, why isn't he taken?

My heart was taken by you...breaken by you...and now it is in pieces because of you

guys r pigs ...... n of course i always get the runt

º°x·:He HoLdS Me WheN i StArT 2 cRy ø´¨`»MaKeS Me SmiLe WiTh JuS HiS eYeZ ShAreZ My HoPes DrEaMs FeArs«´¨`ø ø´¨`»WiPes AwAy ALL My TeArs i LoVe hiM wiToUt rEgReT«´¨`ø i JuS hAvEn't FoUnd HiM yEt·:·xº°

Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his one need.

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

A star fell from the sky, and I knew I cought it... then when I fell for you where were you to catch me?

I may not always be rite but im NEVER wrong!

-I never meant tø hurt yøu- -but- -yøu're pretty when yøu cry- -I never really løved yøu- -but- -I'm pretty when I lie-

give me a vodka on the rocks....hold the vodka i'm a designated driver...umm soo....give me glass of ice and that'd be nice!! !

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Hate me because....well....Okay!...Hate me because I'm beautiful!

you got no reason to be jealous, ive never been untrue...so whats it really matter if theyre lookin, im only lookin at YOU

Girls go to college to get more knowledge Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!

I look at her as a friend, then i realized i loved her

The only guy a girl can trust is her DADDY........ guys you have BIG shoes to fill b/c my DADDY will sure be hard to beat

I'm not a blonde!! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

What lies before us and what lies behind us are tiny matters to what lies within us.

Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.

Lil boys know they love you because they need you, Men need you cuz they know they love ya

Wit a X n' a O im out lyke whoa

East to the Sea,West to the Lands,Death to the girl who Touches my Man!

u can say u love me but until u prove it the words mean nothing 2 me.

I KnOw I'm NoT PeRfEcT,bUt I'm So ClOsE iT sCaReS mE~!~

a broken heart continues to beat..

I smile b-cuz I have no idea what is going on

A girl and a guy can be just friends, but at one point or another they will fall for each other..Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever...

The first time I saw you, I knew it was true~That I'd love you forever and that's what I'll do~You don't know what you do to me~You don't have a clue~You don't know what it's like to be me lookin @ you!!

guys are like a peice of gum, when they loose there flavor, you pop in a new one*~*

*See my haylo* * Bright n shiny* *Mess wid mee* *I'll kick ure hiney*

"GURL,I GOT MORE GAME THEN A PLAYSTATION."

°i Do BeLeiVe DaT GoD aBoVe° °CrEaTeD Me FoR Ya To LuV° °He PiKeD Ya OuT MoNg Da ReSt° °CuZ He KnOs iD LuV Ya Da BeSt°

If U Want Me To Fall 4 U... U Gotta Give Me Sumthin Worth Trippin Ova

I taught you everything you know but not everything I KNOW

the closest thing u will ever come to a brain storm is a light drizzle

I can find anyone to -hold- me, what i need now is for *YOU* to -love- me

Boyz Are Great, Every Girl Should Have One

I Dont need Your Attitude, I Have One Of My Own

WhAt U SeE iS WhAt U DoNt gEt sO -DrOoL oN -DrEaM oN -MOVE ON!!

****I'm not werid! I'm gifted****

You just lost the chance you never had!

~*~Luv Means Never Having 2 Say Ur Sorry~*~

keep the pictures they neva change only the people in them do

You will wonder where he is at night, You will wonder if he's true. One moment you will be happy, One moment you will be blue. .

If you get a chance to see him, Your heart begins to dance. Your life revolves around him, There's nothing like romance

Boys never give their hearts away They play us girls for fools, They wait until we give our hearts And then they play it cool.

You might regret what you do- but you'll you regret what you don't do SO much more

You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!?

A smile is a curve that can, Straighten out a lot of things.

As part of you has grown in me, together forever shall we be, never apart maybe in distance but not in heart.

When in LOVE: be fair and honest, even when it hurts.

WiLl I eVeR fAlL iN luV aNd If I dO wILL iT bE wItH u??

who would win a fight...a cougar or a bear?

let them notice you, not you notice them

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, but I call them my best friends.

he broke my heart, so i broke his jaw

*Don't ever be afraid to come to me n cry* *Don't ever hesitate to look me in the eye* *Don't ever be afraid to tell me how you feel* *Remeber ur my gurls n we gotta keep it realL*

*Roses are red Violets are blue, Are you happy with me coz I know Im happy with you. *

I'll Try Anything Once, Twice If I Like It!

To Say That You Can Love One Person All Your Life, Is Like Saying That One Candle Will Continue To Burn For As Long As You Live

The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water

~what a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!~

The oposite sex is the most dangerous and addictive drug out there, but the high is unlike anything else

*He looked me deeply in the eyes. he lied and said "i won't make u cry" and when i thought it was 2 good 2 be true, he blew me off and found someone new*

*FrIeNdShIp Is JuSt A wOrD bUt My GiRlS gIvE iT a MeAnInG*

it takes two people to lie, one to lie and one to listen

If you love someone that means you have a good heart. If someone loves you thats flattering. If your love someone and they love you back thats special!

Mystify people with your intelligence, and if u cant do that, mystify them with your B.S.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why we call it the present!

We are giving away FREE CAMERAS!!!

**friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men**

**I ran into my ex the other day.... put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN!!!**

*Once Upon a Time* *Something Happened To me* *It was the Sweetest Thing* *That ever could be* *It was a Fantasy* ~A dream Come True* *It was the Day i Met You*

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If I ever get real rich, I hoe I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?!

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you.

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.

If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ``That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way. Cars, too!

I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.

Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, ``Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in THAT.''

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then ``skinned.'' I'm not sure what the fourth stage is.

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused?

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?"

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to try something!

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!

The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head". Normally, you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who had beautiful swept-back features, as if flying though the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

One thing about my Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national forests.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars.

I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn't that better?

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.

Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.

The old-timers around here still shake their heads and chuckle about that city slicker who came through, trying to peddle "hair restorer." He took everyone's money in a poker game, so when he tried to sell the bottles of hair restorer, nobody had any money left to buy it!

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you.

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground. You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable. Then just walk up to them and go, "Hey, have you seen Fred?" And they'll say, "Fred who?" And you say, "Fred of snakes?" Then cover your ears, because big laughs are coming.

I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before I start, you have all the jewelry and so forth on the body, because I am NOT unwrapping him later."

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I "swarm about" to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: "Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that. You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"

Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.

Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night.