(We find Harry at home, having yet another trecherous summer at the Dursleys, the day before the Weasleys are going to pick him up for the Hogwarts Express ride...)
Harry: Dudley! Get away from my milk!
Dudley: But it's choooocolate milk!
Harry: So what's your point?
Dudley: You better give me that milk...
Harry: Well, you'll never get it!
Dudley: And why is that? You can't do magic outside of that school of yours!
Harry: *Lowers his voice* Because, Duddikinns... *Buggs his eyes out, and throws his head back* I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
Dudley: NOOOOO!!! *Runs out screaming about derranged cops, and candy machines*
Vernon: Harry! Give me your chocolate milk!
Harry: 1942, Alex!
Vernon: What the heck are you talking about, boy?
Harry: Nothing...but I think you should know this...for your own good...YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! GOODBYE! *Runs out of the kitchen, and into his room*
*Hedwig flies into Harry's room carrying a red note*
Harry: Oh no! A howler! *Opens it*
Howler: I'M COMING TO VIPE YOUR VIDOWS!
Harry: NOOOO! SOMEONE IS COMING TO STICK A VIPER IN OUR WIDOWS BREAKFAST... *pause* Or...or something similar. But wait, we don't have any widows... UNCLE VERNON, AND AUNT PETUNIA ARE DIVORCING!
*Harry runs dowstairs where the rest of the family is watching TV*
Harry: Uncle! Is it true?
Vernon: No! These are all actors, you twit! Now go back to your room!
Harry: Are you and...
Vernon: GO!!!
Harry: Fine! *Goes up te stairs, and sticks his head through the staircase poles when he's up* Magic...magic...MAGIC!
Dursleys: AAAAAHHHH!!!!
*Goes back to his room, and sees Hedwig has another letter*
Harry: Lets see...it's from Hermione...
*The Letter Reads:
*Dear Harry,
*I need to tell someone! I just have to! So guess what, Harry? I'm dropping three classes, and I'm going to be ditching Charms every other week!
*Hermione*
Harry: Wooow...
*Vernon comes up the stairs, and opens the door to Harry's room*
Vernon: Harry! These people wont be coming in...flying cars, or...or anything, will they? Because if they are...
Harry: Don't worry, Uncle Vernon. They wont.
Hedwig: He needs to get over his grudge about magic...
Harry: EEEK! YOU TALK!!!
Hedwig: People can understand animals as long as they're pure of heart!
Harry: Am I in a spin-off of Gordy?
Hedwig: NO! *Pause* Guess what, Harry? I brought you a little present!
Harry: *Queasy* You didn't...
Hedwig: Yep, I did! Just to warn you, it may be a little bloody at first. As a matter of fact, I think it's unconcious at the moment! I left it in the watering can! *Flies outside, and brings back a grass snake*
Harry: Oh, Hedwig! What is this for?
Hedwig: Now you can order it on Vernon, and and Petunia, and Dudley, and all your other enemy people...
Harry: Great, Hedwig...uh, thanks...
Snake: *Whoozy* Easy squeazy lemon peasy...
Harry: Are you awake?
Hedwig: You know, Harry, if you don't want him, I could...
Harry: No, no, I think I'll keep him. Snake, are you okay?
Snake: We all live in a yellow submarine...
Harry: No we don't! You're inside a house! Wake up, snake! What's your name?
Snake: I'm Nagino...
Harry: Your name sounds like...
Nagino: Yeah, I'm Nagini's cousin!
Harry: EEK!
Nagino: No, no. I've given up on the whole evil thing...I'm to short...
Hedwig: I'm not invisible!
Harry: Why am I talking to two animals?
Hedwig: WHAT ARE YOU BOTH HISSING AT?!
Harry and Nagino: Nothing!
Hedwig: I can't understand you! Goodbye! I'm going to Ron's! HISS HISS! I DONT KNOW WHAT I SAID, BUT I HOPE IT WAS AN INSULT!
Nagino: Why did the owl just say I needed a tic tac?
Harry: Well, Nagino, no offence, but...
*At that point, Petunia barges into Harry's room to tell him that it's time for dinner*
Petunia: Harry, I always knew you were insane, but I never thought that you would... *sees the snake, and that it can obviously understand Harry* AAAHHHHH!!!
Harry: No, wait!
Petunia: VERNON! HE'S NUTS! HE'S PLOTTING WITH SNAKES AGAINST US! I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME! HE'S CRACKED, AND HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL! *Trips over her own feet, and falls down the stairs* VERNON! GET-OW! DUDLEY OUT OF-OW! OUT OF THE HOUSE! OW!
Vernon: Petunia, dear, what is he doing?
Petunia: He's conversing with a snake up in his room, Vernon! And the snake can understand him! I tell you, Vernon! He's plotting with that snake! Soon that snake will be out into the woods getting all his animal friends to attack us! Soon we'll have...we'll have...elephants running through our living room!
Vernon: Well, I don't think a snake can go that far. Now calm down, Petunia. I know the boy is a nutter, but there is no way he can converse with a SNAKE!
Petunia: But he was hissing at it, and...
Vernon: Now, Petunia...calm down. We'll just have him skip dinner tonight, so we don't have to bother with him.
*Back at Harry's room*
Nagino: What was that woman screaming about?
Harry: Well, she's one of the worst Muggles there are, and she absolutely hates magic, or the mention of anything that defies physics. My uncle is the same. Four years ago, I had a dream about a flying motorcylce, and I told him about it. All he said was 'Motorcycles don't fly!'
Nagino: Excuse, me, will you part your bangs please?
Harry: Sure...
Nagino: I knew it! I knew it! You're Harry Potter! The great Harry Potter! Nagini will be so envious of me!
Harry: You're not going to tell them where I live or, whatever I do, are you?
Nagino: No! Of course not! Hey Harry, can I ask you a favor?
Harry: Sure. What is it?
Nagino: Harry...WILL YOU SIGN MY HEAD?
Harry: Your head?
Nagino: Well, I don't have a house, so I couldn't hang it up, or anything, and without arms, I can't possibly carry it around with me my whole life.
Harry: But wont the ink be a little dangerous to put on your skin?
Nagino: You're right...man, I hate being a snake!
*Vernon comes up the stairs*
Vernon: Boy, I just wanted to tell you that you scared your aunt, so you're not having dinner tonight! You're just... AH!!!! HE'S TALKING TO A SNAKE!!! EVIL BEING! EVIL! EEEEVVVIIILLL!!!
Harry: Uncle Vernon, please! It's just a game!
Vernon: *Eyes bulge out* AAAHHH!!! The boy is crazy!
Nagino: Stop screaming!
Harry: He can't understand you!
Vernon: HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!
*Vernon runs out of the room screaming for Dudley*
Vernon: Dudley! Duddikins! Quickly! Get out of the house! The boy is conversing with snakes! Quickly!
Petunia: I told you, Vernon! He's going to kill us all! Dudley! Dudley boy, can't you hear me!
*But Dudley is in his room, listening to a Britney Spears CD*
Dudley: OOPS! I did it again! I played with your heart! Got lost in the game!
Vernon: *Rushes into Duddikins room* Dudley! Harry is...is...oh, Dudley, is this Britney Spears? I love Britney Spears! The one who does the coca cola commercial, right? *Sings* My heart won't skip a beat! Ride! Just enjoy the ride!
Petunia: *Comes in* Dudley! Vernon! Oh, is this Britney Spears? *Sings* Don't need a reason why everything's a ride! Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba! Oh, pepsi cola!
Vernon: Very good singing, Petunia!
Dudley: Now, what were you going to tell me?
Vernon: I was going to tell you that Harry's gone crazy, and is talking with a snake in his room, but we want to listen to more Britney Spears!
Petunia: But getting out of the house is more important than Britney Spears!
Dudley: No it isn't! As a matter of fact, I've been madly in love with her since I was eight!
Vernon: I must admit, she is very cute!
Petunia: Vernon! *Slaps him*
Vernon: Ow...
Dudley: Quick! We have to get out!
*So the Dursley's fled the household, and Harry was left all alone with the snake. Tune in next time when the Weasley's come to pick Harry up at home! Without the Dursley's, who knows what will happen? Oh, and by the way, the two things that the Dursley's took with them on their journey far, far away; was a discman, and a Britney Spears CD*
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