.:.o.u.t.s.p.o.k.e.n.:.

bored out of my mind...come to realize life just plain sucks

now playing: blue and yellow by the used


me.



_____to ^everywun_____
thanks to the people who hate me: u made me stronger
thanks to the people who cared: you opened my heart up
thanks to those who left: you showed me that everything isnt 4ever
thanks to those who stayed: you showed me the meaning of a true friend
thanks to those who have entered my life: you made me what i am today



the 4-1-1 on me

.: name: stephanie :.

.: niks: stef, stif, ste :.

.: 14 yrs old :.

.: school: st basils :.

.: b-day: june 18 :.

.: sign: gemini :.

.: music: punk rock :.


thumbs down: people whu complain about their amazing lives, people whu turn their backs, n most of all, people whu r boring.
thumbs up: people whu make me laugh, guyz whu look past clothes n looks, crazy people, skater boiz (the real kind, no avril lavigne wannabes) sleepin in n boiz whu play guitar.

enjoy colors? go for the gold! change the background.

thouGHtS

05.25.04
People really are confusing . they expect me to have no reaction to being played with like a doll . pick me up when you’re feeling great , then throw me on the floor and keep me hoping for ‘another day’ when you’ll actually look at me again . don’t worry about the way I feel, just push me further away until I’m completely diminished . when did my feelings ever matter anyways ? you’re capable of being perfectly fine around everyone , including the friends you made because of me, yet you cant find it in yourself to look me in the eye . I think everyone has a time where they like to be focused on , but when you purposely try to undermine your friends , by trying to be a better version of them … how great do you really think you’re doing ? I really never saw a point in trying to be like anyone else in the first place . what is so dissatisfying by being who you are . people try so hard to be ‘different’ and their own person .. yet they follow the same trends and try to be the same people . its evident that I myself don’t like who I am .. but how does that automatically turn to me wanting to be someone else . people focus so much on how other people act .. but they never really get a clue of who they really are .. but what does that matter .. I mean its image that counts right ? I should really stop bein sarcastic .. people might actually believe im serious . well enough rambling for today . later days

10.11.03
and just like i said it would happen, i'm back to where i started once more . lonliness. and im not gonna blame anyone but me for thinkin i could change the way a person looks at me. i was kidding myself. i dont no why i bothered trying but, at leats now i know for sure things will always end up the same. im.. okay with being nothing. moving on, turkey days is comin up. im gonna be spendin the day walkin for a really long time and watching guys ride on bikes. thats right. a bike race. fun. its one of those days where i have to shut up and fake a smile the whole time. oh wait, i do that all the time. im so funny . anyways, i think im gonna go . later .

10.04.03
hi . i kno i havent been on in a while. a lot has been goin on . it seems like the more i think about stuff, the more confused i get, and the less i know what to say. school is ok . iv met someone .. and i kno that ive previously stated i wouldnt fall for another guy, knowing id get hurt, and i really hate to contradict myself bc in the end, the same thing always happens.. but this time.. im not sure . i cant just predict whats goin to happen in the future, but having been hurt before, so many times.. its what puts me in that mentality. at least now i know i have no one to blame for my pain except me this time. my family's the same. constant fights, all about the person i am, and me sitting there listening to it all. i cant say ive changed much tho, but then again, i never really was going to in the first place. time jus seems to repeat itself. i dont want to be able to hold on to every moment ive enjoyed in my life, but i also dont want to let every second slip away from me because of false hopes and promises. i still cant undertsand why people try so hard to build dreams and futures when they cant even predict what their next step will be. my opinion remains that people are so power-hungry that they strive for things they cannot control, as a sense of pride in trying in the first place. *god forbid i dont have control over every second of my life, it would just be tragic* people waste so much time trying to figure things out that once they realize they cant, everythings already passed them. life.. is more of a chore to me now. i get up every morning thinking, why am i getting up. what do i have to look forward to today. if everythings always the same, why do i bother pretending im interested. i guess sometimes my thoughts dont generally make sense but, when you start to wonder what the relevance of your existence is, the outcome is this. sometimes people can be so blind. you just want to jump right in front of them screaming out. i also dont get why people want to be the same. the whole 'barbie is queen' thing is getting quite annoying. societys done a real good job tho, bc it seems like everyone loves those trends *wink* thanks to all the 'perfect' people in the world . hmm.. the wonders of a dictated life. sounds UNinteresting . well.. i think ive rambled enough for now. catch you later.

09.20.03
im sick..sick of pretending to be fine when im so mad .. its not jus being told what to wear anymore..of people not notcing im there..but the fact that i live like this .. the fact that.. a lot of things are the way they are. i dont know how to feel anymore. i cry .. and i dont no why tears are rolling down my face . i smile so much now.. i dont no the meaning behind it . schools alright . the same things happenin over again.. i don want to end up hurt this time..but if i do..i kno its my fault. ive been writing too. it really does help . well, im done for now. later dayz, and heres the poem :
strands blowing in the wind, moving with the grass we once laid upon . the smile that lit up my face is now gone, and your eyes have gone blank . life becomes a chore as quick as you fall from me . your place above the shelf is now gone . unable to be seen, haunted as I walk down this empty hallway . nothing sounds, only the silent screams of pain . but you cant hear . the innocence is now gone , and morphine only numbs the pain . until im gone youll be the escape I never had the guts to take . perfection is no more . a tear forming around the blank holes that were once filled with happiness .
your out of reach .

09.07.03
hey. i kno i havent been on in a while, its just been really crazy. i started highschool last tuesday..its pretty cool. ive met some new ppl..and somehow found my classes haha. walkin in i was a little scared but its not that bad. ive been thinkin about alot for a while now.. and ive been writing some lyrics too. i usually never write, but everythin kind of just built up until one night. i just didnt no what to do with myself. i cant even look in the mirror sometimes. its not just..expectations.. but when everything comes down on u...everything you knew you couldnt avoid.. its scary, what ppl do in those situations. i cant say ive been thru this 'major drama' in my life or anythin..bc that would be straight-forward lying. for someone to have to check which outfit you wore to go out everytime.. it knida feels like im an invalent. i dont think ill ever understand why a lot of things happen the way they do..and im pretty sure its a good thing. well, i thik im off. later dayz.

08.12.03
whoa. i havent updated in AGEs. sorry about that ive just been so subdued. there hasnt been much excitement in the past month, and just that should tell you what i've been up to. ive been trying to skate more...getting my ollies higher..almost landed a kicklfip..haha i suck. well, the only excuse i have for sucking at this would be that my plans are not to go pro. *lame*, but it works *thumbs up*. ive been thinking a lot about school, getting lost in mAJor hallways and falling on my face n such..hmmm... interesting isnt it? ive also been thinking about the decisions i make. i noticed that almost every single plan i ever tried to follow thru on was cancelled, because my parents told me i couldnt do it, or couldnt go there. bummer really...to not be able to do anything but sit at home. but why you ask would my parents want this for their *daughter*? well, their opinion on the matter is basically 'theresstuff to do around the house; clean , go for bike rides..' sure is! doesnt it sound fun? a whole TWO options. its craziness. i get to be not only locked in my *house* but even told what to do!this summer proved to be loadz of fun! well, enough with the sarcasim, i might start smiling soon. neways, theres about 3 weeks left until highschool, and to tell u this much, im a little freaked out. not knowing what to expect is way super but this time its a little freaky 2. well ill just have to face it when it comes. im way stoked for tomorrow. tomorrow im going to collingwood to see my cousin. i havent seen her in so long and now i get to spend the week with her. its gonna be great. and they have a skatepark there too..so it shud be fun. i also went to niagra a few days ago and it rocked. we didnt do exciting shit but jus walkin and drivin around making jokes while half asleep was what made it that way. we went right up to the falls...it was crazy. the water was so mesmerising..it looked like it was gonna pull u in. haha im talkin about water *:S* i still need earphones. grr. i broke mine cuz i didnt like them and ever since i've needed them but noone wants to pay attention! i must have said it at least a million times by now and my mother just keeps saying..ok stef.. its not like its a huge deal or anything i just want to make sure i have a resource of sound when i dont want to listen to her yelling anymore. no wonder it was so quiet before...hmm... on another note, i havent really been having any problems with the way i dress or anything. maybe they are just giving up, or waiting until the right moment. whatever it is, i dont care as long as they dont tell me that who i am isnt 'right' or anythin..whaaatever i gues im fine with things.. well..i guess thats the update. not much else to say..except later days ! and if you have the time, you might want to check out my other site just click here

7.10.03
hi. today was a pretty cold day, considering its summer. i unno. i didnt really do much of anything today. i just sat around. i went to yorkdale yesterday with a friend and it felt..just..awkward. we werent talking much..and i felt stupid going into stores. whatever. just another morning i guess...well really nothin else to say...so ill write back when something remotely interesting happens. later days.

7.03.03
hello. today was ok, but then turned into shit in just one sentence. "i read your site." usually, these words dont phase me, but coming from my sister, this quite irks me. having people read your feelings, when you write only to get AWAY from them, isnt quite the joy of my days. nonetheless, i was really PISSED off to say the least, so the only thing to do is switch sites. i've already done that, but keeping the domain angelfire is not exactly my idea of switching, therefore, dubbing this my *temporary site* where i'll still have a place to write, and giving me time to find a new domain. this sounds confusing but really isnt. what irks me is the fact that my family will never allow me to have any privacy. i know the fact that i HAVE a site and that it is easy attained, is pretty obvious, but i mean, i dont purposely go looking through peoples things just to tell how they feel when they are pissed off. i think ill stop now, since im leaning on the complaining side. later days.

6.29.03
today was pretty interesting. i just finished reading a book, but thats not exactly the reason. actually, i dont no why i even mentioned the book. hmm.. it was actually because i can now say, "im done elementary." the ten years i spent believing that roaming down the halls would never end finally has. graduatian was a good night. mostly goodbyes. i guess you really cant hold on to things once you seem to have just noticed you've already grabbed on, being there so long. its not like everythin is changin now that im going to high school, but i do no that not everything is going to be the same. i no for a fact that people are going to make false promises, and even though previously saying they would never leave their friends side, will indeed, bark off, in search of "better people" to talk to. and im also sure that once everyone notices the "high standards" they will adapt themselves, conforming to the ridiculus beings. only natural i guess. im not really bothered by it i guess. i mean, its nothing unusual. its everywhere. conformidity. its as if i owe something to the world. seems odd to me. people can insult me for acting this way, but in the end, its not as if i havent previously told them that their opinions would never impact my life. its as if they WISHED they could have some sense of authority over me. hmm... well..i really don want to go on about the matter, because thinking about it makes me itchy. tomorrow is a big day, as im going downtown once again. *yay for me!* well, i guess thats it. nothing else really to *report* later days. keep rockin the free world



6.18.03
hello! its my birthday!! yay for meee! today was pretty cool..it was really hot..and a few ppl had water fights n stuff..overall it was cool..ppl actually new it was my birthday. tomorro is my schools play day..which means one full day of getting soaked...awesome! then, the entire next week is grad. i really cant believe i have a week left of elementary school. it sounds so wierd to me. we r gonna have a grad trip on monday...goin 2 wonderland..which shud be fun. im excited i guess. then after that..its all ceremonies and masses. and then thats it. high school seems so close..its freaky. i went to get my uniform this past monday, and i felt wierd..different. i unno..jus have 2 wait and see what happens i guess. right now..all i wanna do is have fun while i still have time..since its the only thing you cant have more of. no wonder people waste their time trying to find a way to hold on..because its pointless! hmm..breakthrough..well..i also noticed that exactly one week ago i predicted i would be here saying i hate life..but im not..which is actually a shock. meh. well, i guess thats all..later days..and ITS MY BIRTHDAY lol
jaded

freak

6.11.03
whoa.been a month since ive written. sorry. ive been so caught up in everything, since its graduating year my teachers putting alot on us. we had to organize everything for ceremonies and trips. i guess you could call it fun, but to me, still work. i got valedictorian, which means im gonna be up there,in front of a lot of people talking about...nothing. everythin has been good...im learnin to let a lot of things go...bc..its jus not worth it..and even tho im probably gonna be back here in a week telling you how i hate life...i guess im still learning? there r 2 weeks left of elementary school. im glad to leave, i guess. 10 years...never thinkin i was gonna be out of that school..and now i am. its really odd. anywaiz, enough about grad. i wanna go to the afi show ReALLY bad. its in july. and the warped tour is coming, but it jus so happens to be on my sisters birthday, and god forbid i miss that. whatever, afi is still in the running. my birthday is next wednesday, in other words one week, and perfect timing. present = ticketS!!! *yay for me!* other than that, my life has been the same. very boring. i guess those are the highlights. ill be posting up new sites, one of which is all random pictures friends and i toke. well, later days, and keep on rocking.

5.12.03
sorry that i havent written in a while. there jus really isnt anythin to talk about. its been rainin the last couple of weeks. im ok with that though. theres somethin about rain that i like. but only when it poors. im so tired. everything is just becoming too much to handle. im not so much upset anymore at the fact that im alone. i know that ill be ok...and that dudes dont mean shit. whats the point of askin for things you know wont be answered? i think ive had my head up in the clouds way too long. i say this almost everyday. dreams r pOINTLESS. i dont even no what to do anymore. whats left from here? well, i guess the only way to tell is by waiting. and thats just what ill do. well, im goin now. later

5.04.03
today is may the 4th. ive been bottling up a lot of shit for the past few days. i went to ottawa on the 28th...which was last week. it was fun..took a lot of pictures n shit. there were a lot of cool people. i had a lot of fun. i felt like i didnt have to worry about anything, even if it were just those 3 days. i could dress the way i wanted, and have fun...for once. when igot back, it was like i never left. nothing changed. i didnt exactly picture a dramatic change bc it was only 3 days..but...i realized that all my problems...never left. i got into a fight that night, on how i was acting stupid. of course. no surprise there. you know, its like, sometimes, im so disgusted with myself, and my life. i cant even look in the mirror. i dont matter. my feelings sure as hell dont. then, i get comments like, "u do this to urself" i dont even no what to say to that. its like a viscous cycle. no matter what, i will never be able to say that i feel "fine" it seems the word has dismembered itself from my vocabulary. i am but a statistic. that is all i will ever be. ppl dictate my life, then yell at me cuz im not doing it right. a walking zombie of society. maybe im complainin too much. maybe i shud just stop. theres nothing left to say anyways.

4.25.03
hello. today had to be one of the bad days in my life. i jus...broke down. everythin jus came to a point where i felt like everythin was jus too much. my dad had to pick me up from a party...and in the car he started tellin me that he would "like" to see a change in me. i use like very lightly because its not his exact use of words. again there was that pressure on changing. i truly do not understand why i cant be myself. i try so hard, just so that i can accomplish something, and then, when i do, i dont get SHIT. although its always been this way, i feel like crap, becuase its almost as if what i do has no meaning whatsoever. whats the point of trying? its not like i dont get yelled at anyways. i feel so..stupid. . i dont even make sense. i feel like im just another person in line, follwing the path society has ever so kindly engraved for us. i don even no how to react to everythin that has gone on in the past 24 hours. all i kno is that i jus wanna be able to live without having to worry about every single little thing. i wanna be able to have fun. i just dont know how to react anymore. u would think i would be prone to everything, but surprisngly, im not. i need to stop dreaming. dreams never come true. all they do is get your hopes up for nothing. even after beeing through everything, and trying to forget all the shit thats happened, everything will come back at one point, just to say, "hi remember me, i hurt you and now im back so u can remember all the crap i put u through, just so you can go thru it one more time." its so wonderful. well, im gonna go, because i dont make sense, im tired, and im complaining too much. no one will ever care, and i guess im ok with it.

4.21.03
you will never change the way i am. i cant believe i put up with this. my family seems to haate me, otherwise why would i be lectured every single fucking night on how i act, dress, and "present myself" i feel so downsized...like my opinion has no meaning...at all.its like im locked up in this fukin hell hole. they tell me that in the end, their decision is the one that counts on my part. they keep saying that once i hit high school everythin is gonna be different, and im gonna end up doing drugs. u kno..i always thought parents were supposed to trust their kids..but i guess that factor got FUCT over in this situation. i try hard in school, im a "good student" and sumhow...i still get yelled at. maybe im being stupid by sayin all this...but this is whats on my mind..and i cant help it. ...im considered as sumthin u wipe up off the floor. i try bein myself, and im forced to change bc its not "appropriate"? to me...thats FUCT up BIG TIME. but i wont change for them. i wont change for anybody. if u dont like me, or think that im wierd..then hey...super. nothing is gonna change that, not the clothes i wear, not the way i act, bc thats the way i am, and thats me. if u dont like me, for me, then theres nothin to say. not everyone is going to like u...and u jus have to deal with it..not try to change urself so everyone is happy. whats the point of having an individuality if ur jus gonna be like sum 1 else. im never going to alter my actions just because sumone doesnt like me. im not going to open my mouth when my family yells at me anymore, bc i kno once i do, its jus gonna prolong the entire lecture, and il have to sit there for a greater time period. why would i wanna prolong a lecture..when i could be doin other things...like lookin at the sky or sumthin. haha arent i so funny. super. well...now that ive explained to u my living conditions, cuz basically thats what they are, since i have to deal with this everyday. its like theres a time slot that reads "lecture stephanie for being different" its so fun...i must tell u. and the ironic part is..i dont even dress the way i usually do in front of them. whenever they r around...i wear track pants and a sweater or tank top. if they new how i change everyday...not only for the fact that do it without their knowledge, but because i do it, hmm..the wonders of my hiding spots. so conviently hidden. yesh...i kno its bad to say u hate ur family..so i wont...but my feelings..although strange sometimes...will remain the same. well, im off to see the wizard of oz. later

4.14.03
hello. today has been an ok day... today i got to talk to a friend that i havent talked to in a few years. we occasionally say hi and bye, but there was never really any more conversatin than that. i guess you could say we drifted apart. mainly my fault for screwin up. but today, it was like we just knew we had to talk. we made up on lost time i guess. it was a super conversation. *hmm...i wonder if there are any more cookies left...* ...sorry...dozed off there..but ANYWAIZ..today was hoT! bring on the heat PLzzzzz i luv it! summer rocks. today was like 23...and it feels like jus yesterday it was snowing....oh wait that really happened...HA ha. yesh...well i must be going. laterrr to all the freaks out there, RIGHT ON to u!

4.12.03
no one will ever know or undertsand me.

4.7.03
today is april 7th....and there is snow on the ground can sum1 pls tell me why...bc i thot this was spring. how odd. whatever. im jus waitin til i can sit outside without 5 layers of clothing on. i hate this dam weather. its so depressing.......whatever im jus gonna wait it out cuz its not like i have control over it. im really tired.........and i have a competition next week..i have to run 1500m but its probably gonna be cancelled cuz of this shit. last yr..i was probably wearin half pants. lol yea thats my name for them. im at school right now..its indoor for lunch..who woulda guessed. as u can see...im not too happy about this crap. i havent been in an exactly great mood the past few days. people keep complainin that i dont talk..or sumthin about communication..its like they cant take a hint...i DONT WANT TO TALK TO U. my mom says i shud be able to talk to her...basically tellin me to shut off my music bc it pisses her off. like anythin doesnt piss her off. she basically hates...me. she dissaproves of everythin i do..and she hates the way i dress. i change at school..and she still thinks the stuff i wear is "innaproriate" everythin i do is based on stuff i like. its me. and she doesnt like that...so is it the same as not likin me? whatever. i cud never talk to my mom about anythin anyways.my sister was always the one i went to. i still do. she plays such a huge role in my life...she helps me through a lot..and she understands where im comin from. the only difference is that shes a perfectionist. strange. when ppl jus do shit like that..like not like me bc of the stuff i listen to... its the same story..jus another stupid reason. whatever. i jus wish that i could do things wihtout ppl thinkin im gonna do drugs or sumthin...i kno i cant trust u..but can u at least gimme some credit? no matter what i do..its not gonna be good enuff. it never will be. the word encouragement seems to have been misplaced from ur vocabulary..bc u have never shown it. whatever i cant do anythin about it. mineswell shut up...bc no one wants to hear it. honestly..what entertainment is there in it? later..

4.3.03
today was such a wierd day. it was hailing..and it hurt. it was really cold, and the buses were taking really long. its so depressing...cuz everyone is so morbit. they look so droopish. ohh well. im really tired...im gonna go. later

4.2.03
holllly. ive been wanting to write for soo long. i had to change url's, which took longer than it shud have. friendpages is really stupid. anyways...life has been wierd for the past few weeks. i dunno...i just hate how i have to be compared to someone or something ALL the time. ppl EXPECT me to be perfect. they think im an innocent little girl that hasnt been corrupted by any bad things in the world. why!! im not that fukin stupid. its like i no nothing about anythin...yet im perfect? how odd...i..basically...dont matter. im just..a thing. i hate it when im something to compare to. i hate it when ppl underestimate my abilities to do things...jus cuz im younger. i dont fukin get it. first im "perfect" ...then im incapable of anything. do i make sense? uGH! things r jus so confusing right now. i dont even no what to think about anything. there r just so many things goin on in my head...all about hate...and regret..i unno. theres jus too many things to do...that are EXPECTED from me. yea..and i have time..since my life is so DAMN "PERFECT" RIGHT? whatever..all i am..is basically..a statistic. thats it. bc according to everyone else...im nothing but a toy. jus pick me up whenever u want and pick me apart, then throw me away like garbage. fun isnt it? i think ill stick to my corner, thanks. watever. its not like they rnt zombies of society anyways. whatever..then my friends...they give me a lecture like everyday on how i shud think about things in a SUPER way. its not good enuff..pretendin to be happy n shit..but now that they finally realized..after 10 years..that im not THAT happy...its the end of the world. "i care for u, i dont wanna see u get hurt" u think its a bit too late for that? hmm...ill let u be the judge. yes...i get mad..and NO U DONT CARE..is it such a shock? well i cant blame them too much..all they see is fake smiles and energetic-ness. im not always in a bad mood...but when i am...can u pls jus LET ME DEAL WITH MY OWN PROBLEMS. thanks. im a big girl...u dont need to watch my every move anymore. i think i can walk on my own now. anyways. im gonna go..cuz what im thinkin doesnt kae sense right now. time to sort out thoughts. later

3.9.03
well hellooo today is a good day! today i dont have to do anythin! thank god for march break!! well everythin has been pretty cool lately. i went to yorkdale the other day and had a lot of fun. im going back on tuesday...which is the day after tomorro...to go buy some pants i saw that i liked...haha im broke...*go me!* ohh well, i guess thats cool. the only thing thats not cool is the snow on the ground. grr i hate snow. lol. im dying to go see gc and nfg in concert together on april 19th in mississauga, the only thing is i might not be able to go..no ride :(:( that SUX..they r my 2 favourite bands..but i WILL find a way! *he he he* well, im gonna go now....bye!



3.6.03
hi. whats goin on. past few weeks have been pretty..weird i guess u could say.ive been so tired. people have come in and out of my life in a matter of 2 weeks. i like a guy, get turned down for my FRIEND,,,but in the end..im supposed to smile? yea..its pretty easy to smile..the hard part is tryin to keep all the pain in..whatever..its like ppl give a shit..they jus want somethin to talk about. and then later..ppl ask why i cant trust them..what a fuking question..sorry...after bein knocked around a few times..it can be difficult. whatever. im too tired to say anythin else...bye

2.19.03
well hello there. i hate me. what a way to start things off. its funny how everytime im mad..it ends up here. what a coincidence! well...i hate life. im such a spec..i feel so..belittled. haha i like that word..belittled..it jus sounds so funny. well ..today wasnt to great..u kno how when somebody finds something out...blasts it in ur face..and then acts like nothing happened the next day? well thats what happened today..it was pretty bad..but i probably walked right into it..knowing me the stupid chick. i found out some marks that r goin on for my second term..i was kinda happy that i got 99 in geography but..nobody fukin cares so why bother working so hard...what the fuk do i get...ohh thats nice. thats FUKIN NICE? i work my ass off..and i still get yelled at! what the FUK is that? well..whatever..its not like they dont dictate my life anyways. im tired of doing work..and im tired of being clueless all the time. i hate it when people prejudge me. its like i dont matter..only thing that does are my fukin clothes..GOOD JOB SOCIETY...U RAISED US WELL! anyways...im gonna go..bye

1.26.03
wow..people worrying about me again. life couldnt get better *disgusted* not only do i hate going thru every day, but i get made fun of the stuff i listen to? i know it might not make sense, so ill try hard. people say i listen to "pussy punk" or "poser shit" bc i like good charlotte? or nfg? well guess whut..its a really simple reaction i like to give...I DONT GIVE A SHIT! i like what i like...whats it to u? well it shud be nothing...but since u wanna make something of it go ahead..ill sit here and laugh. wow that was easy. now onto me dying..people r scared im straving or somethin...iron deficiancy? who knows. they say im too tired and pale. i couldnt care less. im still alive arent i? *sigh* well everythin else is pretty good i guess u can say. its almost february. i hate the spelling. why cant it be febuary? why does there have to be that extra r? who cares? ..NEWAYS febRuary means valentines day...a pathetic excuse for a holiday i might add. not only do i think its stupid..but what is there really to look forward to? an empty corner screaming my name out? YIPEE! valentines day ..to me.. is overrated simply because its there, an open invitation for everyone to make out and be mushy around everyone else. im sorry..did i puke on u? OOPS! well, thats it for now. i think ill go sleep..since im so tired.



1.13.03
Somethings not right…n I can feel it. But I just cant figure out what it is. I guess its just somethingi don’t know about yet. I hate it when people label me as something, and then as soon as I change a detail in my lif, people are all over it. I hate how people judge on how perfection is the highest level. WHAT THE HELL IS PERFECTION? A SKINNY TALL BLONDE WITH BEATIFUL HAIR AND A SIZE 0 WAIST? WHO HAS DESIGNER CLOTHES? Is THAT perfection? Well FUCK PERFECTION. I HATE THAT WORD! Ive been thinking about everything, from my brains, to my appearance, and I can say this much..i hate myself. Not only do I hate myself, but I hate life, and how it treats me. People keep telling me that life is what you make of it..sometimes I try to tell myself that, but really, what control do I have. The weather? Its like people want to believe it so bad that it’s the only thing they’ll say. Maybe because they are scared that if they thought they didn't have control, it would be the end of the world. Cuz god forbid I couldn't have something under my command, it just wouldn’t be the same. I hate how people are afraid of life, and I hate how when I say something, people turn their heads, like I don’t even FUCKING exist. Ill show them though, ill show them how FUCIN WORTHY I AM. They’ll see later on. I hate how revenge is the only thing that’s keeping me alive right now. I kno its stupid, and its really a stupid little thing. I don’t even KNOW what's gonna happen in the next few years, or what ill end up to be. All I know is what people WANT me to end up to be. FUK THEM. I can be my own person, and I can be what the FUK I wanna be. Revenge is stupid. I am stupid. I am just a stupid chick with stupid thoughts. This is my way of RELEASING ANGER. Normal people take sports, but I write. Well fuk the sports bc nothing could beat this. Label me a liar, bc I cant get shit through, but I kno who I am inside, even if sometimes I cant find it, I know that the real me is down there, deep down.



1.10.03
hello. well, couple new things been happenin lately. i am now in a play for my school..which is..interesting. im so lonely, and i hate it.its like there isnt a guy for me anywhere! its pretty frustratin sometimes bc u know exactly what you want...but theres no way to get it. ive had a lot of time to think to myself about stuff, and what i realized was that i spent so much time thinkin about what other people wanted of me, and i forgot who i was. i guess this whole life thing is takin me somewhere i dont know of yet. i jus hope that whatever happens..changes my life completely. i hate right now. i hate how im sitting here right now. i hate how everythin is so "perfect" but i still feel like everythin sucks like shit. how can a person tell you that you have a perfect life..is it like they r inside of you, and know exactly what your definition of perfect is? school is another story..its like you think you can trust someone, and two seconds later they walk right over to some one to tell them ur darkest secret. u can finally trust someone, some one u think understands you..finally, and they dont even want you around. i hate that. people then wonder why i have trust issues. i feel like yellin in their face "BECAUSE OF YOU, DUMBASS!" ...i dont think i ever would tho...and im not even sure why. i guess its just not in me..or im a freak. does it matter anyways? well, im gonna go now. i think i wrote enuff for now. later.





1.01.03
hi.happy new year 2 everyone. i know i havent written in a while...mainly because of school and the never-ending amounts of work. but now that im on my break, i still have work. but i really dont feel like doing anything bc...i just dont. well things have been going pretty well, i guess. things r boring. i moved into my new house, which ive been waiting to do for six months, and its pretty good. i finally have my own space, comin from my grandmothers house. im really tired, and im not exactly thinkin straight. well, im gonna go sleep now. have fun in the new year....later



12.05.02
couple of thoughts
true colors sho when you are with people you luv and when your with friends, it doesnt matter where you are from or what your background is. ive learned that you can know somebody all your life and still not truly know them at all. you can spend years finding something to talk about, but if the connection is true, things will just click. you become close with the people you never thought would, and realize they are your best friends. change happens for the good and bad, we just have to realize it when it happens. life should be taken for what it is...life, and nothing but. you can make up many explanations of what you think is connected to it, but in the end, its just ^life. full of heartaches, surprises, joys, and tears... jus wanted to say that...





11.28.02
i don't even know how to start this off. the past couple of days have been pretty...strange. everythin was ok and stuff but then the guy who ditched me came bacl and wants to talk to me now. i'm gonna try to fight it bc i know its wrong but shit man its fukin hard so far and its been like what...5 minutes?! i don wanna be one of those people who contradict themselves 24/7 and MOST OF ALL, i don wanna get screwed over again and get hurt like the past times. i'd rather wait it out and hopefully find a guy whos right 4 me. its hard but i think itll be worth it later. i cant wait 2 go to high school so i can be with the people who were in my school last yr. i really miss them cuz i spent most of my time with them rather than with people in my own gr. oh well, i gotta go anyways so later i guess...if anybody even reads this.



11.22.02
whoa. think that sums up the past couple days. been busy and pissed. hehe. i've had 2 projects and on top of that been lectured for like 3 days straight on RESPONSIBILITY. all i have to say is fuck that shit. i really dont care how much it pays off. and then they wonder why im "angry at the world" i think thats just gay. shouldnt i be able to live my life without gettin the thrid degree about every little thing. holy shit. they talk about all this shit like "i only do this cuz i luv u" and "its a phase" holy fuk jus leave me alone and stop treatin me like a fukin science experiment. being watched 24/7 watchin what i'll do next! (dull) well, i'll try to do some shit to the page. til then, later.





11.19.02
another pointless day. we had a supply, and naturally, the class went crazy. what we didnt expect was for our real teacher to come back int he afternon. we are stupid. after she saw the shape the class was in, that was enough for her to want 2 kill us. shes a neat freak and if there is one tiny piece of anything anywhere other than where its supposed to, shell flip. after she read the stupid notes the supply left, she got even more mad. we ended up writing letters o our parents. what a punishment. like i give a shit what my parents think of what i did that day. other than that, the da was alright. i spent most of the day trying to walk because of my new boots. its hard to get the hang of it, but i managed...i think. the downside of the day was when i started talkin 2 sum guy and he jus turned around like i wasnt there. harsh. doesnt bother me too much tho, i kno its irrelevant. but hey, what IS important in this fukin world? well, that was basically my day. im not too good with endings as u can tell. well, ill try to write when i can. and im tryin to fix up the site too. l8er





11.18.02
there was snow on the ground today. enough said. not only do i hate cold weather, but i also hate snow. of course this was a huge opportunity for the poeple at school to snowjob all the girls. lets just say that the amount of water i soaked up in my shoes and socks alone could fill up lake ontario. i was freezing. we also had to walk about 10 miles (literally) to a retirement centre as part of our community work for school. what fun. staying with old people that smell and have no teeth, and helping them with bingo. i dont think i could have been more bored. i was very happy once i got home, so i could change into warm clothes. well, now im here, thinking about how to update this site...nothings coming to me. well ill write soon, if anybody reads this. l8er



11.17.02
today was one of those days. i am just realizing that life will never, no matter how hard i try, get better. the person you love the most will always hurt u, and theres no way to stop them. in my case, i thought i was in love with a guy ive known for a while, but in the end as always i got screwed over bc im the one that doesnt go out places n garbage. yea, im a freak. so basically i learned that not only does love screw u over, but everything in this overrated world does. i wonder whats next for me in this fuked up world...jus gonna have to wait n see. think thats whats keepin me alive..hmph.. what motivation.
the site is shit i kno but im gonna be workin on it as much as i can everytime a get a chance. l8er

links of sites done

wicked band, next blink

my eye candy