Caring for your Spork

Naming your spork
Upon bringing your spork home, you must give it a name.  It does not matter if the name is feminine or masculine because sporks are hermaphrodites.

Clothing your spork
Properly clothe your spork.  Clothing can be made out of anything from paper to vinyl.

Housing your spork
Shelter your spork.  Sporks love flower pots with fake flowers and shoeboxes made into houses.  A simple drawer occupied with other "normal" utensils will not do.  Sporks are "high class" and deserve better.

Feeding your spork
Feeding your spork is as simple as feeding yourself.  Actually, it is feeding yourself.  You must eat with your spork at least two times a week.  The spork's plastic skin will absorb food particles, and that will satisfy the spork's hunger.

Bathing your spork
When the time comes that you must give your spork a bath, make sure you calm it down.  Some sporks dislike baths very much.  The best way to bathe your spork is to put it in the dishwasher with the other eating utensils.  Sometimes company is relaxing.  Be sure to remove the spork's clothes before placing it in the dishwasher.

Disciplining your spork
You may come across a spork that will convince itself that it is going to take over the world.  We love our sporks very much, but we know that sporks cannot take over the world.  The creator of this website is going to.  And she cannot take over the world if these sporks are believing that they are going to do it.  So to properly discipline your spork, lock it in its house for two days (maximum) without contact of any sort and no food.  After the two days are up, hold the spork in your left hand and flick it with the fingers of your right hand three times and tell it that it is not going to take over the world.  So far this method has been efficient.  Better methods of disciplining your spork will come when technology is updated.

Praising your spork
When your spork does something ingenious, or something that is just praiseworthy, dine with it.  What better way to reward your favorite eating utensil than with a meal?  Just never tell it the story of the Last Supper.  Results may be bad.

Burying your spork
There comes a time in many spork lives when they snap.  Sometimes they just fall apart and other times it is an act of murder.  If and when your spork breaks, it is only proper to have a burial.  A simple burial is all you need.  Just place the pieces of your spork in a box, wrap it up in something nice, say a few words or a prayer (depending on your religion or lack of), and place into the ground.  Cover the buried box with dirt and mark with a headstone of some sort.  Long live the spork in our memories.

 

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