11th and 12th grade

11th and 12th grade

i wrote a lot a lot of poetry about the darling of my heart in this time space. fortunately i have now realized the error of my ways. but... i still enjoy most of my words because... well... they're not as bad as some of the others.

10/99 10/11/99 wish list 9/3/99 cradle me 12/28/99 spoon 1/28/00 8/5/00 change (in the house of new life) 9/25/00 daddy i had a bad day 10/17/00 10/29/00 poetry 4/21/01

10/99 new crush. same wish. it's oh so cold change the day and drop the degrees yet it's not old but i still think i'm going to freeze hop into bed you - since friday and forever you can't be led stick around and don't say never thinking of you once again - if i had the chance what would i do? being friends - a little romance? happy dreaming exactly - dreams and nothing more yet - me scheming bring you home and show the floor

10/11/99 just to see you walk by saves my sorry mind make me relax a bit from all this dirty shit but i know it can't be real anything i feel i "am not old enough to understand that stuff" then you speak a word to me so maybe this secret dream will be coming true in reality instead of an escape from normality but i'll just keep ignoring you it's worked the best of all i do thinking on my own sweet time and writing you this little rhyme

wish list 9/3/99 i always think of this as the kind of poem some junior high girl would send to seventeen and then there would be all these letters about "i so totally know how she feels! tee hee!" and "this is just another example of how western culture puts too much pressure on young girls" *wry grin* i wish i was prettier so then maybe he'd love me. i wish i was smarter so that then maybe he'd love me. i wish i was nicer so that then maybe he'd love me. i wish i was more popular so that then maybe he'd love me. i wish i could make him smile more so that then maybe he'd love me. i wish i was more refined so that then maybe he'd love me. i wish i was perfect; then he'd love me.

Cradle Me 12/28/99 my birthday. i always want to cuddle. i can't remember a point where i would have refused cuddling since i was like 12.(that doesn't mean i'm a cuddling slut though. we have to be pretty close friends at least.) Whisk my cares away love Hold me a little while Here I’d rather stay, love With you and my contented smile I think too much I know Worry about things that don’t matter So I just won’t go Stay with you and let my soul get fatter Just cradle me a little longer please Hold my heart in your hands You put me at such ease Break my time sands

Spoon 1/28/00 like i said. cuddling. :) You and me So in love Just be close – please Hold me like this Let me fall safe Into your arms Cause this is what I love Lay down with me I love how I fit in you just so I was made for you and you for me For in this simple being you hold my soul

8/5/00 i wrote this to my mum when i was quite... livid.. towards her. she's never seen it. Yah I lie here a miserable little fuck One more nobody in a world full of them And of course my emotions mean nothing I am, after all, only a teenager What could I possibly know? As if anyone cares anyway Just force me to sit here Just force me to bottle it up That’s what your parents did Pass on the tradition That’s alright – I’d rather tell a stranger my secrets than tell you Cause if you glimpse my soul it feels like you stole it Yah so here’s one more worthless poem you’ll never see By me

change (in the house of new life) 9/25/00 senior year something made me wish harder that i was popular. desperation, i guess. Nobody ever changes But the times always do And all I ever needed Was to be with all of you Acceptance is what we crave And I’m trying to change your minds But some things never change And I’m just not your kind I’ve only got eight months left I just hope that’s all I need Change to better if not best To change your minds about me

daddy I had a bad day 10/17/00 I wish I were pretty enough I wish I were nice enough So that somebody would love me Why do I always have to run to You? Why do I always run away from You? Why can’t I just stay? Why can’t everything be okay? When I feel Your arms around me I can stop crying Because I know it’s You and I know You love me Even when I don’t

10/29/00 i write a lot about the passage of time. because i am very aware of it. i have obviously been conscious of it since the first thing i ever wrote. Time weighs on me like the clouds in November They’re dreary and dull from the first to December Every second another one’s passed And one of them soon will be my last Involve ourselves in the petty things Forget the fun that living brings Even people who die very late Would rather their death should wait But I am only complaining This will not help my remaining I just wish it didn’t go so fast Life just starts and it’s already passed

Poetry 4/21/01 This is everything to me But no one else can see Cause I am too afraid And I will not be made To show them who I am And let my soul be slammed It is so much to me To sometimes simply be To live and breathe and feel Just to know that I am real main