Dedicated To Justin ďMatthewĒ Vasquez *cough*I love you baby*cough* Let me tell u bout this guy I met got me feelin things ill never forget always thinkin bout him 24/7 and when im wit em its like heaven got em like a crack addict tryin 2 get at it but i wonít let in afraid to sin so childish and innocent but glad I didnít cuz now I know the love was never there all those times I thought the feelings were shared I was wrong to believe his foolish lies he jus wanted to get between them thighs but I was better than that constantly worrying where heís at always a problem but we never can solve em Iím finally free he can be where ever he wanna be I can enjoy myself leave our memories on a shelf Iíll put to rest what we had like you do with all things that go bad Though he still the guy I had met who gave me feelings Iíd never forget there will be always thing I will regret like meeting him and spending time and wasting my minutes to hear his rhymes they were weak jus like what I heard of his performance bed and another thing I regret is those tears I shed to think he was worth it for me to put up with his shit well Iím glad I got smart cuz weíd probally end up livin in a shopping cart or would have left w/ sum whore and broke my heart he told me he loved me and I know it was true but he never had time for me he only chilled with his crew but itís cool I stayed clean didnít catch your STDs donít care for you now go do what you want cuz on da real this isnít to taunt go try to find some one who can match up to me let see whoíd take you umm.. Some whore on da streets your small ass shit will probably fall off from beatin your meat porque no hay nadie mejor de una latina y tambien yo se que soy muy fina Iím sorry mijito pero perdite mi amor Damn boy you must be torn this isnít anything but a release of stress to be true when it comes to me and you I could care less ~*~July 10th 2005~*~ :Diary entry on: July 10th , 2005 Damn it seems every month I got something horrible 2 say of Justin and yet I think I love him... well i know i love him but well I think I'm in love wit him I dunno I can't make up my mind I think the only thing holdin me back is the thought of gettin hurt he used 2 say he never wuld but he has b4 ... I haven't talked 2 him in 2 days and I'm goin insane this is insane i promised my self I wouldn't grow 2 like a guy so much but hes the only guy that makes me feel good .. evrything i look @ reminds me of him I can't even listen to my alicia keys cd shes my favorite artist.... but that cd brings so many memories...and i thought maybe if i give it sum time i'd get over it but whut if im wrong and when i call him hes moved or found sum new gurl he didn't really sound like he cared when i told it was ovr or w/e but...hes the only guy i ever thought i could have a future with well if i saw him more and talked 2 him more which isn't completely my fault or his no one is really to blame in this matter but it has 2 do w/ my age so it's more my fault if anything which really isn't makin me feel any better right now well what can u do lifes a bitch and then u die i doubt he'll even pick up da phone if i call which i'm not even sure i shud call considering... i was such a bitch 2 him ovr the phone .. ok i called him his voice made me feel like crying and knowing i would never hear it again jus made me wanna die he has no idea how much i cared and hopefully no more tears will be shed over this shit i gotta be strong people go through worse and manage to keep a smile but when i smile i feel like i'm jus lieing to myself decieving no one and jus streching the muscles on my face i need sum 1 a friend a lover a fucking dog for all i care confort is no where near here so i guess i'll jus keep streching those muscle and pretending that everythings alright when a part of me is dieing... if thats what u gotta do to survive then i guess i'll keep reassuring myself it was gonna happen eventually im doin myself a favor and if it was meant to be the we'd still be together right? god i hope so i used to pray for that man at church but i guess not even my prayers could keep us together so its time to say good bye and leave those times we've shared together to be memories... I loved him and lost him so i guess I truly know what is to love & lose.. Hopefully god will guide me in the right direction keep me strong and keep me pure as I have been for 15 years of my life.... God i pray my daughter or son doesn't feel what i feel now. and hopefully me as a mother never put my children through the obstacles my mom has put me through in life jus to see some one I love she thinks evry is out to hurt me and maybe they are but... i know who worth getin hurt by for the memories we shared and the ones that aren't. may 8th,2005 I misss justin he just came back monday but i haven't seen him and its already sunday!!!! grrr well its not completely my fault its his 2 he doesn't try to hard and i got pissed @ him yesterday (on da phone) and promised my self i wouldn't call him that if he cared he'd call me and i was not stressin him at all but now im bored so... i jus think of him which I shouldn't cuz he didn't think of me much when he went outta town for 2 motnhs .... he actually got alot of "action" so to speak which i jus found out is a huge turn off to me he's a lil freak i'm sure he got some STDs goin on in that lil penis of his...... yup I'm bored so thats all Happy mothers Day! I'm so sick of my family! The shit they do drives me INSANE. My ma got the biggest mouth I swear tht bitch will learn sumthin and in an hour the whole US would kno.. no lie it would be on TV and evry thing shes crazy and if u give her 3 hours on da phone she'd up and call the whole damn universe. I sorta like this guy when my parents knew we were together they made sure I never saw him now that we are apart I STILL CAN"T SEE HIM! they don't even know I still talk 2 him and they still manage 2 ruin my life. MY brother is an ASS by ass I mean stupid faggot that needs 2 shut the hell up and stop being so damn nosey! He saw Justin smokin so what did he do!?!? He told my mom WTF OMG I wanted 2 strangle him!!! SO what if he smokes it's not like it was a joint even if it was how the fuck does that affect him in any way??? it doesn't!!!! Not at all.. He says hes looking out for me !!! FUCK THAT hes looking out for himself he's mad cuz he can't get nobody!! Thats not my fault!! Maybe u should get a life, act normal, and stop being such a fuckin fag. My dad hates him cuz he has a dick, hes a guy , hes 4 years older than me and well u get the point.. But my dad supports my brother for everything i bet if my brother finally found a girlfriend(yea right like tht will ever happen) and she was 4 years older my dad would hand him a comdom and drop him off @ her house which is why i hate bein a girl Guys will never kno how good they have it. First of all they r bein encouraged to have sex, have a girlfriend, go out w/ friend, and do what the fuck they want. And when they have sex the only thing u have 2 worry about is getting out of her house b4 her dad find u(unless shes a freak cuz then u got STDs 2.) We got 2 worry about pregnancy then we also have a nice lil gift from god that makes us bitches once a month we have over protective parents (well sum of us do) And another thing if a guy has lets say 7 girls @ the same time hes a playa.. hes a pimp.. but a girl does the same thing.. with guys that is.. we're whores we're dirty we're nasty and thats just stupid which makes me think the world is still sexist and definetly still racist but its not just the whites im talkin about every1 hates every1 over sumthin as stupid as color Who the fuck cares what color u are its ridiculous how stupid ppl are 2 think that if ur skin color is black u must be stupid, ghetto, and poor or that all hispanics cut grass or pick fruit or white ppl are lazy bastards that sit there countin money while they have their easy ass jobs where they sit on thier asses drinkin tea...Well newayz lets not get 2 in to that cuz i may say sumthin I'd really regret. I kno i don't got it that bad though... cuz my familys still 2 gether and not 2 many folks can say tht. and i got a nice house we can afford 3 meals a day and ALOT of ppl can't say tht. And even thou my family is up my ass all the time I guess it shows they care.. they care way 2 damn much but they care. All this is sayin 2 do is look around u if ur a prep stop bein so damn happy cuz the world HATES u and ur cheerleading self. And another thing stop usin the phrase "OH MY GOD" cuz honestly thats as played out as that one Outkast song evry1 knows. And for the goths stop bein so damn sad and gloomy. I swear next time i see 1 of u im gonna take u by the hand drag u in da mall and point 2 any bright colored shirt and say look this is a color.Well sorry 2 offend u which i probally did and im proud of u if u got this far w/o throwin the computer or X out of this so give ur selves a pat on the back. Wow this is it!! THE WORST DAY EVER!!January 28th 2005 This takes waking up on the wrong side of the bed to a new level. I wake up late(a good way 2 start a bad day.)Then I go 2 school and forget my gym clothes (so thats a zero)and forget my make up and a bunch of shit for school (so now i look like shit and im gettin bad grades all at the same time!!)yes at this point i do sound like a prep i appolgize I promise the day gets worse..... At school i have 2 avoid the dean so I have 2 skip lunch which was boring as hell then i almost get a dress code twice and that would be BAD BCUZ IT WOULD B MY SECOND DRESS CODE WHICH = DETENTION oh and last period i forgot 2 do homework so she gave not1 but 2 zeros on class work so i've started this 9wks failing and i suck @ her class so i have 2 try rele hard 2 pass now which is just wonderful.So not only are my last 9wks grade low but these are, now just as low so my grades are slipping and everytime i feel like i've found some stable friends they always let me down im ready 2 stop having friends all they seem 2 do is stab me in the back...So thats FRIENDS AND GRADES so far... I'm supposed 2 go to the mall w/ the twins and then meet up w/ sofia (my ,now, ex best friend)but my mom had told me on thursday she wanted 2 cum so the fact that my mom hates sofia and told me never to see her sucked (at the time)So i called her thursday told her i couldn't hang out so now back 2 friday my mom drops me off and tells me 2 go w/ the twinz while she talk 2 to their mom so i left w/ the twinz I saw Sofia after maybe 30 minutes of being there she was pissed for no reason and she was with Tenisha so i figured i'd jus forget about it cuz it wasn't worth the trouble and then 10 minutes later the pass by again and I didn't notice them so Tenisha calls my name so i look up and start walking towards them and Sofiaís exact words were"Get the fuck away from me!!"So naturally I did and I was confused but my day was bad 2 begin with i didn't need this to make it any worse, okay my out fit was all army, in school everyone loved it in da mall... well it was half an half.... who cares i like it thats all that matters 2 me. Any wayz after that whole incident i didn't see her till maybe 8:45 or sumthin and i didn't even pay her any mind I just walked past her cuz well thats what she wanted...So i'm goin past her by myself in the cafe and go out the exit cuz i wanted 2 meet justin behind the theater and I guess she follows me and sees me with him(by the way she hates him by hate i mean wants 2 kill him slowly)So she starts cussin me out loud as hell jus last year, when we were close, she used 2 say how she hated ppl like that cuz they were so low i guessed that change... my advice don't assume u kno anybody cuz u don't! i don't care if u known them since u were in diapers and u grew up 2 gether or any that shit ppl change and most the time it isn't for the best. They will stab u in the back for money, out of jelousy, or for no apperent reason ppl are crazy there isn't a damn thing u can do about it u will get hurt and its not gonna be a total stranger that does it. it will b the person u thought u knew the most, it will be the one u trust the most, the one u love, care for, or adore So advice from a young girl w/ experience don't trust anyone but yourself. u r the only person u can actually say honestly has ur back when friends bail and all else fails u still got urself and if u still got ur pride, ur dignity, and ur balls then ur good 4 life. So i guess this just means keep your back against the wall cuz noone really has your back yea im sure a couple ppl beg 2 differ and thats fine! thats u and ur life best way 2 learn from mistakes is 2 live thru em so u can have ur own memories 2 look back on. Some ppl are sayin well my friends are always there when i get in to fights I bet u if they heard those sirens they'd say screw u and run nobody like the cops or gettin arrested by em so naturally u hear sirens+u did sumthin wrong,bad,ect.= run screw evry1 It's natural instinct u can't hate em for it but u cant trust bcuz of it. Well the fight ends w/ me pissed as hell cuz she won't let me get a damn word in and after I told her 2 shut the fuck up she only got more furious so i just said FUCK U and walked away as she yells ďI GUESS U DONíT CARE ABOUT US THEN!Ē I held back bcuz I was about 2 start a fight that i wouldn't finish coinsious. Oh yea in the middle of it justin freaks out and says bye 2 me and her and bounces i cursed him out 4 interupting me i felt bad cuz he didn't do anything and drove over there 2 see me. well anywayz he left. He comes back like 20 minutes later. cuz i was supposed 2 see hide and seek w/ the twinz and him but after he shows up i tell him 2 leave cuz i wasn't 17 and i couldn't get in 2 the rated R movie so he drove 2 see me twice 2 get cursed out and then jus another pointless, waste of money, drive (i feel bad).Well the twinz were there for a b-day party thing 4 their friend trisha so they left and so did justin ...again and i was alone so i decided 2 go inside theatre 2 wait til my mom got there and I missed a fight that happened, sum1 got stabbed. Oh yea and the twinz w/o noticing ignored me most the time when they were w/ me which was most the time we were @ the mall..... Let fast foward 2 when my mom picks me up So I was embarrassed cuz i was walkin w/ my mom and naturally im in a bad mood so now im walking w/ my mom 2 the car and evry1 is lookin @ us cuz we are talking/yelling/arguing but what can u do.... This was one long day I forgot 2 mention Luisís sister ,Sharty, and an old friend of the family who kept shooting me nice lil looks for no reason so many people hate me and its just getting on my nerves because I havenít done shit to them.. Okay, Sharty I made out with your brother get over it heís done worst w/ hoes worry about them I havenít done ne thing w/ him 4 over a year now that was once. I forget the old friends name thatís why I said ďoldĒ hint hint well she has no reason 2 hate me I shud hate her she used 2 make fun of me all the time and since I was a nice child I took it This story isnít saying donít b friends w/ anybody or be a loner or donít talk 2 ppl cuz theyíll hurt u itís jus sayin watch ur back cuz every1 is gonna hurt u eventually its jus a matter of knowin whoís worth the pain and whose not and in my opinion that will b one of the hardest decisions u can make in life so stay tough bcuz life has no mercy. Ok Shawns leaving my skool so we broke up but he aint leavin til January but I dont want to risk rele likin him and gettin hurt so im tryin 2 avoid da pain play it smart if u will.. and well I'm afraid hes gonna get wit sum1 else i mean i wanna b wit him.. i kno i shuldn't if i wanna avoid gettin hurt and 2 see sum1 wit the man u wanna b wit well it aint easy and i dont wanna deal wit that but ill have to.. cuz hell prob get another gurl right quick.. well as for Justin afta all tha b/s of wantin 2 b wit me he once again bak down w/e i aint tryin 2 deel wit him hes a scrub i mean he'll be 20 yrs old on da 28th of thiz month i think... sum where around der newayz this is gonna b interestin and i dunno if i even wanna go 2 homecomin ova dis drama i dunno maybe im trippin i dunno what is up wit my luck and guys on da reel if it wasn't so nasty the thought of likin another gurl i'd def go lez right now i mean dam men or boys w/e dont seem 2 b workin but ooo well im strait i gotta deel wit dat shit i always get a piece of shit.. well on my shit or a good guy that i either dunt want cant have or it jus dont go as planned... what can u do.... its life...