December 25, 2005
So... Monkey killed himself. He was never really that healthy anyways, so now I can get a new one. It freaked out my grandmother... ha ha ha.
My brother was being a little ass this morning. I think I'm going to burn that disgusting chair of his and takeout the batteries to his radio.
I got a call from Rusty... Yeah.. same old stuff...
So I gave my number to Kevin and I's waitor. He texted me that next day. We've been talking, he hung out with Kevin, Julie and I, And well... he's not my type.. I didn't get any of those good vibes. And he told me I was hyper... not cool... So He's not a keeper...
I was wishing for someone to kiss for New Years.. I've never had that.. And it looks like unless I kiss a gay guy, it's not going to happen...
December 15, 2005
So I called Rusty a few times... and he never picked up... I sent him a few messages.. and still no dice.
I don't know why I ever expected anything from him... It was just never in the cards, me and him.. I know I went on and on about all of that crap about me and him being meant for each other, but honestly, that was just the rantings and wishful thinking of the overactive mind of a poetess..
December 12, 2005
Aw man. I would kill for Taco Bell right now. One of those crunchycheweesy things.. or a grilled stuffed burrito... That sounds yummy to the delish power.
I'm taking yet another break from my paper writing. I'm working on page six out of a maximum seven pages. Actually.. I'm on that "In conclusion" paragraph. Which should be easy, right? As a writer, one measly paragraph should be no match for me, but man it's kicking my ass.
Wait, this just in, I'm Finished! Oh yeah!
This means I now have time to study for my OTHER final tomarrow, ya know, the one I actually have to sit and take.
So I know what I want for Christmas.... M.M.M.S.... I'm so shameful... and somehow gulible, too...
I don't really have a chance with him, do I?
December 11, 2005
So this is final week.. pretty cushy...
I just have four, two hour exams. This is a week of sleeping in late, studying and taking tests... And people freak out over this? It's just another test in class... no biggie at all...
Crap, I totally spaced my study session for history... It was at four today.. damnit.
Well anyways, I'll be fine...
December 7, 2005
I ventured out into this sub-zero degree weather to go to Barnes and Nobles. Grandparents are sending me some money, so I decided to get this little red leather book I've had my eye on to write love poems in. It's small, fits in my coat pocket...
I might somedat give it to someone I love... or maybe I'll just keep it, a momento of my life. Perhaps I'll give to my fiance... if I ever find him.
So back to the cold. Em and I go outside to walk to my car. I get out into the courtyard before I realize I forgot my hat, so my ear are cold right from the get go. So we go to the Corbett parking lot, and I'm clicking my alarm to find my car. We can't find it in that parking lot so we go to the next one, the rec center's parking lot... It not there either. So by this time, we have a few cars follwing us for a parking spot. So we go BACK to the corbett lot and there is weta, in all her snow covered glory. By this time, my fingers have frozen dispite my gloves. In fact, I can't feel them when I bit them..
And all this so I could write my poems in a pretty book, which was $12...
December 5, 2005
THe sound Nazi graced my presense AGAIN to demand absolute silence. We have to be silent as death when she is in her room. She'seither studying or sleeping, and neither allow anythingover a whisper. She comes in like three times EVERY DAY to request that we be quiet. Well damn, maybe she should invest in some earplugs. Now she's slamming shit around in her room because I was laughing. Yes, my laughter brought her out of her cave. She told me she heard heard everything little thing we said last night while playing spades till one so we could watch Boondocks and didn't sleep very well.
I can't wait till she has kids. Because do you think they are going to be quiet? Hell no. Man, I go to sleep and I'm out like a light. and I have to listen to the guys next door watching TV, listening to music and banging girls till the wee hours of the morning. I can deal, why can't she?
December 4, 2005
I really want to live in New York. I've never lived in one of those huge cities. I think I want to live in a crappy apartment where I know everyone in the building. I wnat to be freezing cold and hungry, living on a meager paycheck.
I think I might be falling agian. I've fallen for this person before.. and it always seems that when I fall, he's not exactly there to catch me. I know it's just circumstances, but it's hitting the ground pretty hard anyways..
December 2, 2005
Well, I sure do hope I'm not being played. I have a feeling every time that I'm being... used (would that be the word?) for others distractions... I don't like that...
December 1, 2005
Oh man, I feel like I've been hit with a Mack truck. I have this small cold that's been brewing for a few days now, and this morning, I went to class, then I came home feeling all melty... My sinuses are are discomblobulated, and my throught feels all metalicy. So I went to the gym, in hopes that would make me feel good. My iPod's batteries died, so the last ten minutes of my workout wasaccompanied by that the gyms music, which is by far not loud enough to motivate me.
So went home, took a shower and slept for, like two hours. Well, I never really fell completly alsleep, because Leah had cartoons on... But I did get some much needed rest.
So now I'm still sleepy, and feeling all stuffy inside.
And there is this just awesome feeling of what if that's floating around...
November 24, 2005
It seems like I'm the only person of my group of friends that has even considered to get drunk, well besides Erin... I mean it'a like all the people I know feel this need to judge me because everyonce in a while I decide to the collge thing. It's not like I'm going out every night with the uys on my floor and missing classes because I'm hungover.. It's just every now and then I go out and have a good time.
It really hurts me that my so called friends would be so judgmental and hypocritical, on top of everything else.
Well, how about Thanksgiving? I Can't beleive the Cowboys lost. It was so close.
November 14, 2005
I must just be an unlovable person. No one wants to date me. No one has ever told me I am beautiful to my face. No one. It's been said over the phone, told to others and relayed back to me, and in several different ways over the internet, but never to my face. Never said where I could look into the person's eyes and know that they mean it. No one has ever done that for me.
And I regret what I did with Colter most of the time. I didn't have anything with him. he didn't give a rats ass about me either. And yet I still kissed him all those times. I just feel violated when I think back to my conduct with him. Maybe that isn't the right word, I felt like whore. Just a thing.
But I do remeber that look in his eyes, adoration, maybe, or was it just that tedius efficency of his?
But that's all in the past now. I'm over him, as is he was over me the day he called.
I just wish I had someone that was special to me. Someone that I was special to as well.
But well, I want to strangle my roommate if she keeps smacking her damn gum, so I have to go restrain myself from homiside.
November 13, 2005
So I went to a party last night. I had fun. I think I might of called a certain someone and-I don't know...
It just seems that everything I do I seem to just end up inadiquate. And no matter how I try to explain it, it doesn't change, and no one understands what I mean.
November 8, 2005
"Make-out kids never had a chance to be best friends."
Today the quote starts off my little journal entry-type-thing. Because it's so true. Most, well all, of my relationships have been unemotional make-out sessions. I don't want to be that girl. But I also didn't want to that depressed chick, but that has seemed to happen as well...
So this chick hung herself in my dorm last week.. Kinda scary...
And Cupid is throwing rocks at me again....
October 31, 2005
So my horoscope was right. For once. It said someone very important to me from my past was going to visit me. And well, Rusty called me today, out of the blue.
I don't really know what to feel about him. I have done this whole "I think he's really special to me" bit before, and it always ends up just kinda making me feel sucky about this whole thing we call love. He says he wants to come up here next year for school, and he wants me to stay single and all that jazz. I don't really understand what he sees in me... I am really and truely a war zone. But I'm thankful, that at least one guy in this world is thinking about me...
Which leads me to wonder if he's been constantly thinking about me or is it just the every now and then that he calls me is when my memory floats into his squirrly mind...
October 29, 2005
Two days before Halloween. last night we went to go to a costume party.. but well.. no dice. We helped a few guyson the floor with their costumes, and then we visited a couple of partries, tha pretty much sucked, so we went home.
And of course, Emily bitched about being bored and wanting to go to a movie. I get so sick of listening to how what we do isn't good enough and isn't her version of perfect. We were driving around, trying to find a party, and she kept whining that she was bored. well no shit, we haven't been anywhere yet. She kept buggung me to go to the moovies, but i have no money to go to a stupid movie. But a party is free, and that's why I wanted to go.
And so we rented a bunch of movies, but all she does is critisize about how the stuff that goes on isn't real, or not just like Buffy. I want to scream. I juat want to enjoy the movie for it's scary properties.
But there's no sense in bitching about it... whatever..
October 16, 2005
So hey guys!
I am now oficially a college student! Last night I went with Leah, Emily, and a couple of Leah's freinds to find a party. I wanted to get drunk, and Emily was just glad to get out of the house. And Leah and her freinds wanted to dance and have a good time. So we ended up going over to Summit, another dorm here, and hung out with these guys. I had like 5 shots of apple and craberry vodka. Tipsy, yes, I do think so... Fun, yes, I do think so. Hungover, yes, I do think so.... I gad a blast, dancing in the dark with these hot guys. There was this one guy, half latino, half korean, Growl, was he yummy.
So now I have to finish my homework.. so ciao!
October 14, 2005
Dude. I'm so depressed, and it's bugging Emily. I just want to lay around and listen to country music.
My life totally suck.
October 13, 2005
This is so lame. I just want to be normal for a while.
October 12, 2005
Maybe I don't deserve to be in love. Which is why all my relationships go straight to hell.
I'm just so sick of getting hurt.
later that same day....
Quite frankly my dear, life sucks.
October 11, 2005
Emily called me a twitchy freak.
I guess I am, kinda.
I just talked to Kevin, and he noticed I was all wound up tonight as well. He told me to breath,to calm down. He just dumped his boyfriend. I'm so proud of him, that ass was so abusive to him, making him cry at the club and whatnot. He even badmouthed me. I'm a bigfogiver and all, but you don't trashtalk someone's best friend and expect to still be together with that person.
In other news.. I'm spazing ovre midterms.
October 10, 2005
How cute, these guys are sitting outside of my door telling scary stories. It's like the RA and the boys that don't really talk to me.. oh well...
A lot has gone on this weekend, with Josh and what-not.
October 6, 2005
So hey ya'll..
I'm going home tomarrow. It's gonna be cool... I'm going to watch my old high school's homecomming football game. I'll get to see the new school renovations and see my old friends. I'm totally stoked. I get to see Kevin and Erin this weekend, and I get to see Josh, and my little brother, and everyone else!
October 5, 2005
We are watching White Oliander. A good movie. One about a goddess woman that kills a lover that decides to discard her after he's through with her. And then the aftermath of her daughter going through the hell of foster care. I wish I was as powerful and dignified as her mother. Her mother is like ice.
Sometimes it's easier to be mean, to not let anyone in, because then there isn't a way to get hurt. It's hard these days, to try and keep myself open to those around me. I'm open to Kevin, but that took what, a good three years? Kevin is like, my life. The best friend anybody could ever have. I know me and him will probably live in an apartment in New York together when we get older.
I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't be so weird about everything, but it's just who I am, ya know? I'm not normal. Never will be. Because I'm not one of those girls that's gonna sleep with someone just because she thinks she's in love. I mean, what is love anyways? Love is like a bedtime story, it's santa clause. Something you want to believe in, but it's not that easy. It's not smart, to set yourself up for heartbreak.
I'm babbling, now...
Gotta stop that...
October 4, 2005
So today. So yesterday, for starters. Josh called. He's nice. It's always fun to be complimented.
He's a little intense... but well.. it's cool.
October 3, 2005
So Saturday Emily and I went to go eat at the Melting Pot and go see Wicked. Well, we went to dinner, but tha play was supposed to be on Sunday (And by the way, went up Sunday, and we didn't have tickets to begin with). So Kevin brought his boyfirend, Eric, and one of Eric's roomates Josh ans Jessica to the Melting Pot. I had talked to Josh on the phone a little when Kevin was at the house they live at. And we really connected.
He smokes, but he's so... different.. And sweet and gentle...
I'm supposed to be mad a Kevin right now, because he left me with the tab at the melting pot. $350. I need that money back. I can't afford that, especially when I don't have a job right now.
I just really want to go to the springs and see someone special...
September 29, 2005
In some ways, I've outgrown my high school friends. You see, I'm a differnt person than I was last year, and the people I knew then still want me to be that person. But I don't want to be that person. It's in my best interests to be the person I am becomming now. I call it "Zia Uncensored". I don't fit into that old Zia costume anymore. I was so fake, so immature, so... high school. And I don't want to be that person. I'm not that person anymore.
Drew came into my room today totally stoked that he had found a kindred spirit that loved The Smashing Pumpkins as much as he did. He then preceeded to make fun of the fact that I was making a timeline for my art history class that wasn't assigned. He left, and came back in like, two minuted later. It startled me. I jumped. Well, actually, I was sitting on the floor, so I bounced....
11:11.. make a wish...
He gave a burned copy of the Smashing Pumpkins CD, Siamese Dream. I just finished listening to it, and it's awesome!
Drew is such a spiffy dude.. I'm glad he lives on my floor(like across the hall and down one door). He's tons better than the other guys that live on my floor... a bunch of drunken whores...
well.. I'm outy...
September 28, 2005
THe aformention bullshit is still in place. It's crap that I can't find friends here, and that I don't fit in like every other drinking 'do me' bimbo here. Colege is supposed to be a place where everyone has a niche and no one is left out because there are so many people. But I now know why some poeple hang themselved in their dorm while their roommate is away. Because at least then you get some kind of attention. Yeah, you're dead,but at least people feel soemthing about you.
It's true, bad publictly is better than no publicity.
September 27, 2005
Jeez. Why can't things be simpler. Why can't I have someone to love me here. It's all just a bunch of bullshit.
September 26, 2005
Didn't see Wicked this weekend. Didn't even see Kevin. Apperently, they turned the play we were going to se into a hurrican benifit. Asses. So we're going this saturday. I think.. I'm going check, just in case.
September 22, 2005
Today has been interesting... Classes sucked, as usual. I chatted with Drew for a while.. neato... Emily, Leah and I went to Wally World for groceries. Talked to Kevin, he was as a club. And This Saturday, I'm going to see Wicked...
September 18, 2005
Sunday. I should be doing homework, but I'm bored... So I'm not.
September 17, 2005
So today... yeah..
I've been my old melancholy self lately. Things have been rather strange and boring. I'm in this holding pattern of not having many friends and my friends from home are ditching me.
Speaking of, Kevin. He's dead meat. He told me that he was going to visit me here. And I was stoked, we made plans to include him. And he never showed. I can't believe he would do that to me.. He better be in a predicament...
September 16, 2005
Kevin is coming to visit me! Yeah! The only guy I have over truely loved... well on a platonic level at least, but we don't get choosy when we have no one to love us...
But I'm Not Complaining! Al least one of my friends love me enough to come visit me...
September 14, 2005
I'm gettig sick. I had a nose bleed this morning, a runny nose for three days, and well.. not much sleep since I got here. My nose hates me.
Speaking of things that hate me... everything.
I guess I have been watching what I've been saying. Mostly because I've been busy. But also, I have way too many things on my mind to discuss. Because I really care about someone... (Oh who could it be?) But at the same time I wish I had a fling here at CSU... Someone to be with in person.
But I have to weigh both things.. Someone that's perfect, that (dare I say) really cares about me, or someone that's here and availiable for dates and PDA? I did this with Colter. I chose the person that was close. We all know how that went...
We hada fire drill today. How high school. But I did get to chat with Drew from down the hall. That was fun... But the ciggarette smoke that was coming from all the smokers sucked.
September 13, 2005
Alright, Zia deffinitly has ADD. That's the only explination to why I can't focus for the life of me. I should be doing homework right now. But my brain is fried. I have broken my thinker, three weeks into the school year. How will I ever make it through all four years of college if I can't even make it to the forth week without giving up? I am a failure at being a college student. I havn't even made many friends up here...
September 12, 2005
I'm, well, I'm not bad, But I'm not doing perfectly either. But Zia needs some lovin'.
September 11, 2005
Hey world. Life is just so bla these days. I wish something exciting would happen. I wish some random guy would send me flowers. Or just a letter. Or show up at my door without any reasonor rhyme or reason. Or just thought about me every now and then.
September 10, 2005
We went to a drive-in movie theater last night. It was awesome. I know most people go to a drive-in to make out and have sex, but it was just us three girls. I thought is was so cool. (I know, how lame am I?)
I am so tired of waiting on people. I was waiting on Kevin to come up and visit me this weekend. He, of course, flaked out and isn't coming. I'm tired of waiting for a relationship to develope between me and a guy. I'm tired of waiting for things to change and for people to like me. I want action! I want Kevin to keep to his word and visit me, because I need him here. I want a guy, any guy, for I am no longer choosy
about who sends me their admiration, I just want to be cared about. I need that security.
September 9, 2005
It's friday. Oh goody. Kevin isn't coming. So my weekend is gonna suck. I wish I could persuade some boy to come up here and meet with me... But Alas... Life sucks.
Ya know what? Why should we even bother to fall in love at all? We all know that love ends eventually. But still we set our selves up for the disapointment, anguish and hate that is unstoppable at the end of an relationship. I think love is a flawed institution. And I will continue to think that untill someone changes my mind.. And so far, no one has really tried.
September 7, 2005
Jeez, I am so depressed right now...
I'm just tired of being this meloncollie chick that won't let anybody get too close.
That;s why I don't have any friends here. I'm like this brick wall that stinks of pain and anger. Nothing has ever gone right for me, and now I'm damaged.
Can I die now?
September 6, 2005
I am such a fool. I really and truly don't know why I waste my time on these fickle emotions. It depresses me to think that I am socially unsucessful.
I am truely damaged, broken, not worth fixing.
So yeah... I said some stuff I don't know if I mean... I just get caught up in the moment of something and get all emotional about it. Then I get inspired to write about something I think I feel, and because I am a writer, I make it sound so dramatic and pensive.
God, why can't I just meet a guy here that will be good to me and be around to kiss, hold, ect. Out of like 28,000 people, you would think I could find one guy to connect with. But no. My heart(and all that poetic love BS that comes with it) chooses someone that I've seen a grand total of four times.
I might as well declair my one true love to be Elvis.
September 3, 2005
It seems I keep coming back to Rusty. Ever since I met him, I have liked him, in some form or another. I always think about him, even if I havn't seen or talked to him in months, he's there in my mind. The whole time I wasted with Colter, I was comparing and weighing the differences. I shouldn't let someone have such an effect on me..
I was telling Emily about Rusty one evening at school. Ya know, talking about how he's just a big a goofball as I am and whatnot. Then she met him today, we went (well I dragged them) to the state fair so I could see him. and Em thought he was my counterpart, my other half, "Zia in boy form"... I thought it was funny.
There's a deeper something about him, but I can't type it, I can't find the words to capture this, whatever it is. (I know, shocker, the english major doesn't know what to write.)
This is why I write poetry. Because, after sixty poems, you somehow have a grasp on what you're dealing with. It's easier to handle in poetry form.
Oh, and I saw Colter this evening. He's still hung up on me, even though he was the one tha dumped me. I went inot starbucks to get a drink, and while he was making my drink, he was slamming stuff around and banging things and pretty much being angry. Emily took note tha the seemed pissed, and I informed her that he was the infamouse ex. She thought it was funny that he was still not over the girl he dumped back in May.
It's weird being home for the weekend. My room is no longer mine. And I feel like a house guest instead of a daughter. i'm anxiouse to get back to the dorms, back to my normalcy.
Well, it's late and I can't sleep.
August 31, 2005
So I've been here at college for about 2 weeks give or take. So let me give a report, because I know you guys are all just livid to hear what's going on in my life.
MY roommate Leah... Shes vegitarian, alergic to grass, asmatic, has exema, and the list goes on. So she complains about it. And for the past two days, she's had a stumach ache. how do I know, you ask? SHE NEVER SHUTS UP ABOUT IT! I'm sure I'm just being a little bitchy in my new suroundings.. but grr.
I'm really getting along with Emily, though. We seem to have both been left out of the social loop here. Everybody else is all best buds with everyone and made their little chiques and whatnot, but my and Emily, it seems we're are our only friends... Leah has had no trouble making new friends at all. Everyone knows her.
Yes, I know, I'm a little resentful..
well, I have to go to class now!
August 21, 2005
So this is my few monents of reflection. I'm at CSU for school. Everything is good.. I'm mad-crazy missing my buds from high school. But I'll live.
Cute boys everywhere.. how will I focus?
August 15, 2005
Life has been crazy. And mostly becasue of my mom, who has gone in this sporadic mode wher she cries and gets bitchy every now and then. So I've been trying to just do my own thing as much as possible, but she's getting a little clingy, too. Like today, for example, I waa wonder if my, Kevin's and Erin's families wanted to have a farewell dinner for us all. So then she gives me this vague answer that she's too busy. So I ask if I could go, and she says I should stay at home with my family, whom I had just tried to invite to come. So I was pissed that she was being unreadonable. And then just a few minutes ago she gives me this guilt trip that we can't afford it. If she had said that in the first place instead of using that weak bullshit lie I would have been fine with it. Then she goes on another one of her ranting tirades telling me if I don't get my way I throw a fit every time. Whatever.
So, I'm leaving Woodland Park. Kevin has promised to see me at least once a month, and Erin has promised to write like every week.
August 3, 2005
Life is just so shot to hell right now. And I have about two weeks untill I leave for CSU, and I'm scared shitless. Absolutly. I hope I find a nice to guy to date when I get there... I need a good guy for once... one I can actually call mine..
July 18, 2005
Kevin got a call last night from CPK, but no one left a message. Kevin thought maybe it was from Chris, but not sure. This morning, he got a text message from this anonymous person. The person was Chris from CPK. He has realized that Kevin and I don't come ine for the pizza, it's his hot butt, smile, nose, hair, eyes... ect, ect... He wants to hang with Kevin and I. So I guess we're going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory again with him.
We still can't decide if he's gay or not... He told Amy he wasn't, but she was being a judgmental bitch that day(as always).
"She only drinks coffee at midnight, when the mood is not right"
July 17, 2005
Kevin and I went to the Renaissance Festival today. It was fun... Pictures will be up soon.. We did everything today, Puke and Snot, The Wenches, Two jousting tournaments, watched the vegitable justice guy pick on people,I got a henna tattoo(that picture is up). so many hot guys there...
Then we went to CPK for dinner as always. Chris, our hottie waitor guy we ALWAYS get was like, Kevin thinks, hitting on Kevin. He sat down with us and was all asking us what we were doing later.. Me and Kev just now realized that was like him asking to tag along..
So now I'm chatting, winding down... ya know.. whatever..
July 13, 2005
Sorry guys, I've been neglecting my duties as the proud owner of a web site. (11:11, amke a wish) I havn't been updating this place like I used to. Actually, every night i log on, check my email and then groan at the thought that I will have to type up my daily junk. So, summer seems to be winding down, and the day of doom where I move out and start at CSU is way too close for comfort.
College is something that is going to be so foriegn to me, my mind is just dumbfounded about it.
I just want the wating to be over.. I was never really good at waiting.
July 1, 2005
Right now, my room looks like a bomb went off. everything from under my bed and in my closet is now on my floor and bed. I'm am utilizing the only avaliabe space, the tops of my pillows on my bed, to sit and type. The cat is giving me concerned looks because I'm not doing anythign about it. I'm going to have to clean it up before I go to bed, so I can get under the covers without killing something.
It should be fun.
I am poor. Send me money.
June 24, 2005
Well, this week taught me an impotant lesson. It taought me that I am delusional. I was delusional because I thought that things would ever get better.
Now I know I made some mistakes with Rusty... but I was hoping I would get a second chance, a chance to- I don't know-a chance to really be happy, maybe? But karma's a bitch, ain't it? I dismissed him, and in return, he dismisssed me. That's what went wrong on the most remedial level.
And the suck thing- the real kicker I think-is that Rusty would be all with his new girl, holding hands and dancing(which I was happy for him, that at least one of us was happy. Ok, so I was a little jelouse, too, but I wan't letting it show.. I don't think..) And then he sees me and saying something witty or cute or even flirty to me. And that would totally throw me off. He even called me the night of the farewell dance. I had left my phone in the room, so I texted him back to see what he needed. He said he was "just bored"... Then he told me he was going to bed and that I "shouldn't ever let anyone make me do anything I didn't want to..". What is that?! Did he really want to call me to tell me to not let myself be bossed around? I wonder what he really wanted...
So I know Rusty will probably read this.. and I don't know how to defend my feelings... They are just here for the taking, and anyone that reads this will use them however they want to...
I had fun, though. Meeting new people and seeing old friends again. I danced, I laughed, I even had a pool noodle fight with a hot guy named Dillon..
I learned I was a Peacemaker Blue: nurturing, avoids conflict, open minded, creative, emotional, ect..
I swear, with all the crap stuff that's been happening to me, I'm going to need Prozac.
June 16, 2005
That was the price of my first step to freedom. I got the cartliage on the top of my right ear pierced today. I havn't told my mom yet that I Got it.. I ust thought I'd let her find out slowly...
I am so friggen tired today.. jeez louis!
I guess I'll goto bed now then...
June 15, 2005
mom is driving me insane.
MY parents and my brothers are leavign friday for the weekend. I can't wait to be in the house alone for a while. Erin and I are going to hang out a little bit every day..
I thinkI goin to get my cartilage peirced tomarrow.. that should be fun..
It's only likr $25... I hope...
June 12, 2005
I'm in Texas right now..
I made freinds with my new distraction, this hottie from australia.. God, he has a delicious voice.. yes, he had a mic, and yes I listened with a "horn-dog smile", as Lindsay(Key) would probably call it.
I've been remebering things about El Paso, and got the ccell number and texted Chris Lucas. Maybe he'll show me a good timw while I'm here.. All he's done so far was send me a blank text message back..
I'm totally over what's his name... Now I'm just looking for someone new to keep myself busy. You would think, as many times guys have told me I'm beautiful, stunning, sexy, whatever, that at least one of the m would show up now that I'm avaliable and ready to get back out there..
But I guess that's just my luck, I find a boy, then another. snd then, just like that, I loose one, then another... Ok, so not a very good anolagy.. it makes me sound like I cheated on someone in the process.. I did not do that. I made sure that didn't happen.
June 9, 2005
Kevin got in a wreck yesterday. He had finally got a rainbow sticker on the back and cleaned it. He was 3rd in a 4 car fender bender type thing. So he calls me and tells me he's been in a wreck and needs a ride home. I was at the top of the pass, but of course I would go back down to pick up my totally stressed and stranded best friend in the whole wide world. So I show up, his car's back looks fine, but his bumper is like hanging off. He call AAA and the tow truck comes and takes his car to a body shop somewhere near Denver. So we went to Fazollies to get dinner and then Kevin drove Guerra (pronounced wed-da) home because I had a killed headache.
The headache was because I had 31 kids running around all day long at the Summerfest kids day camp. I helped them all make Silly Putty. That was me just asking for a migrane.
Poor guy. But now he's going to get a new car most likly..
June 5, 2005
My goodness.. my language has regressed into something you would hear a thug use. every other sentence involves a cuss word or some lude comment. Why? Even Kevin had noticed. Well, actually he probably noticed first, he thinks it started when I was dating Colter.. Seems the only good thing about that boy was his kisses, and that's just because I have no one to compare him with yet.
Kevin, Erin and I rented some videos last night. We were in the video place for like, and hour. Not looking for a movie, but actually talking to the girl up front and her hot hot boyfriend.
June 3, 2005
Blue skies. Wind in the air.
I'm bored out of my gord. Need a job.
Nothing left to say..
Later That Day..
I was doing so good! I was talking to Kevin about how I was ok with Colter finally and was even thinking about being friends again. And then, we were going on Bluebird Hill and we see Colter's car going into WP. I totally lose it, when I see him rubber-necking to see who's in Kevin's car and I yell "Speak of the fucker- AHHHHHHHHH" And sent him the birdy. I'm sure he saw me..
I have regressed back to ground zero... oh well.. at least it was fun..
June 2, 2005
I have a laptop that I get on the internet anywhere in the house. No, I do not have a wireless internet connection. No, I have enough phone cord to reach both unstairs and downstairs from the same phone jack under my computer desk. it's riduclouse, me trailing around this extra long phone cord. Right now, I'm in the kitchen, whch means the phone cord is hanging down the stairwell and maeandering all over the downstairs.
So I was texting Kevin's older brother, Ryan, last night. He kept asking about Colter and if we had taken him to Elitches and stuff. SO I guess Kevin just wasn't going to tell me that he's been talking to Colter. Jeez. I think I should know if my best friend is trying to make friends with my ex-boyfriend. That's reasonable, right? So Kevin tells me he had called Colter, or Colter called him... I don't remember... and they said hey, and I guess were just chatting and then Colter was like "dude, what was your deal?" and Kevin hung up.
I feel sort of betrayed. I don't think I should. I mean, I wish Kevin's friendship with Colter didn't have to end just because we broke up. But, well.. I don't know..
I got kinda bitchy yeasterday after we were done with elitches and dinner. I needed a soda.. my blood suger was like low low low.. and Kevin, always a showboat, took us to Jillians to sit down and get a soda.. I totally bitched him out, saying i needed to go home and what-not.. I know I was being a bitch, and I did apologise, but grr...
May 30, 2005
Rusty called one of those days after achool was out. I think he was a little freaked out by my post-dumpage depression. Probably wanted to see if I'd killed myself yet..
I'm hungry.. but there isn't anything in the house I want to eat. I'e already made my own lunch... chicked alfreado with toast. But well, what else to cook? My foods teacher would flip... but well.. the only appetizing thing in the house is some cheese...
May 24, 2005
Today was my last day ever of high school. It was cool. Today was the first time I didn't flip off Colter's car.
I think I'm going to be ok... Now I just need to get out there again and find a great guy to have a summer fling with. And if not, well... I'm good single, too.
May 22, 2005
I said I wasn't going to get close enough to get hurt. I boasted I was steel, unable to be broken by some boy. I guess I was wrong. Becuase here i am, moping aroud in my room with this lump of tears and anger in my throat. In the coarse of two voice mails, Colter told me he couldn't trust me, and therefore couldn't be friends or in a realtionship with me. He also went on to say that he couldn't be friends with Kevin and Erin. The reason being that he got wind of "specific details about physical things we had done". He couldn't trust us. I keep having to listen to the voicemails he left me to make sure it really happened and wasn't just a really bad Nyquil induced dream. It's real. It happened. My first real breakup by my first real boyfriend who also happened to be my first real kiss.
I want to make him hurt like he hurt me. I want him to feel so pathetically hopeless that he's reduced to something that can't even find the strength to smile or pretend to be happy. I tried. I told him via text message that it sucked things didn't work out, but he had served his purpose. Mean, huh? But I want... I don't know. I wish I had never... no... I take that back. I want him to regret what he said and beg me to take him back. But I wouldn't take him back, and I know he's probable moved on. I wish I had someone to move on to. Someone new to distract myself with. But i don't. All I have is myself and my mind that keeps reminding me that i screwed up the only good thing I've ever had in my life. I wish I could at least go back to talking to Colter while he makes me coffee. But I know I can't even bear to look at him, his car.
Oh God. I hurt so bad. And nothing seems to make this broken heart of mine stop hurting.
I did this to myself.
But at least it's not a sticky breakup. At least i won't have to see him everyday. I can easily melt away out of his life. He won't see me. And when he finally does, I will be my same old self, over him and just in for coffee.
But still, I wish he would change his mind. Just so I had that option. I wish we could still be friends. I wish I could send him the occasional funny text message and make stupid chit-chat at starbucks. I wish I didn' have to avoid him. I wish I didn't have to keep him a secret. I wish he would of told the whole world he loved me.. I wish he had loved me.
I wish.... I don't know... I wish I wasn't this fucked up person that never does anything right.
May 20, 2005
I am absolutly heartbroken. Colter turned into this horrible vile crocadile. He didn't even think we were going out. He completly spazzed out on both Kevin and I about how total stranger asked him about how we were doing. And they knew "specific things that we had done". I feel so used. I was crying on the phone with kevin.
And I'm sick. One of the reasons i hung up on Colter was I didn't have the strength to try and explain my self to him.
I thought I had found a good guy to fall for. I guess I was wrong. There are no good guys left out there. Not for me.
"Love humiliates you,
Hatred cradles you"
--Ingred Manussin, White Oliander
I wish I had love. Just once.
May 18, 2005
I wish I had someone to love me. All I've ever wanted was to be held in someone's arms and be loved. I guess I ask for too much.
May 17, 2005
Well, I turned 18b yesterday. I had a birthday party on Sunday. And Kevin and Erin took me out on my birthday. Colter ditched us both times. I'm starting to really get annoyed with him. It's like he doesn't care. I know he doesn't care. All he wanted to do was kiss. It was just lust... so it won't hurt as much if we break up... it's inevitable...
I need some love...
May 13, 2005
So... The L-word...
It hasn't ben said yet. I think I feel it, but I don't know if Colter does.. But, I'm not really too oncerned about when, if ever it gets said. Because I know if he says it, he's going to mean it. And when Love is serious like I know he is, well, it's like thousand ton weight that if I don't watch my step, I'll get squashed. Sometime, I think it would be easier if we didn't bring love into the equation. I think we could do fine with just lust. But tgen there's a part of me that wants this love. To share this something so big that you have to have another person to help you carry it on your sholders. I've been carrying around everything I have all by myself. Dealing with my friend having a baby, moving, not having a normal high school life. Well, ya'll can read. I want to share...
But I don't want sex. Not yet. That's just too much commitment...
Choose The Right
May 11, 2005
Wednesday. We got our cap and gowns today. One more day closer to my enivitable growing up. I don't want it.
We're going on our little weekly date thing. Kevin, Erin, Colter and I will probably go to dinner and a movie.
As I speak my dad is being his usualy self, the asshole. I wish, for once, he would give his children a break.
May 10, 2005
So. What to talk about? There's my whole turning 18 next monday, which is cool-I guess.. and then there's my whole graduation thing, which scares me to death. I am going to grow up so suddenly and against my will. I don't want to enter this new stage of my life just yet. I mean, living on my own, wow. And after college, all these things I have been talking about for the past 10 years are going to happen. It scares me to death that I'm not going to know anybody, not even my little brothers, or people who moved with me like I did when I restarted here in Colorado. But at CSU, I won't know anybody really. I won't have anybody to hold my hand. I'll be completly alone, completly green. Yeah, I might know a few people from 4-H and school, but really, I don't know those people. They aren't Kevin or Erin or Colter, or anyone else I know and trust. If anything, I might run into some of those people I know somewhat? I'm going to have to make my own friends. I'm going to have to start all over again. And on top of that, I'm going to have to take care of myself, all by myself. No one there to take care of me if I'm sick. No one to lend me some money when my job sucks.
I don't want to think about the end of the summer. Because that means things will change, and they are so wonderful right now. I mean, I have Colter, a real live guy that likes me. And I have friends like Angela and Amanda again. But When the summer ends, We are all going to be thrown to the winds and leave, Colter still here, Erin to Gunnison, Kevin to Denver, then London, And me to Ft. Collins...
I don't want this change. For Once, I don't want it.
May 5, 2005
Today is 5/5/05... cool...
So, wow... Things are just speeding along with Colter and I. There has definitly been some great kissing, and Frida and Louise enjoy the special attention they recieve...
I guess we're an "item" now.. he was talking to Kevin (who let me know I difinitly caused a rise in some lower areas of Colter) and he was saying stuff like he's a little worried about what I'm going to do once college rolls around.. So I guess he's pretty serious... Kevin thinks he might be picking out wedding rings and whatnot in his head...(While I'm here imagining a fun summer fling. but then again... Colter's really my first real boyfriend, at my age, I have a right to be weary, especially since I've seen how guys have walked all over my other friends) Anyways, it kinda was a reality check that this isn't a game, dispite it being so fun.
I have a lot invested in Colter already... I hope he doesn't break my heart...
Also, Rusty is still calling around.. which is good, sine he's such a cool friend... I don't really want to tell him, "guess what? I'm dating this sexy beast!" But I think he might know I now have a b/f.... I don't know..
Colter and Zia For(just the summer)ever
April 27, 2005
Today was good. Dispite the killer tummy ache I had a good chunk of the day. I also was texting Colter all day, too... He said he would promise me anything I asked... I have no idea what to ask him.. well, I was thinking about asking him to take me on a date, or for flowers, or something... but Kevin thinks I should try to get something more elaborate, like Colter has to always hold my hand in my presence, or he has to kiss me everytime he sees me. I don't know...
Prom was last night. Colter came. I swear, all he wants to do is make out. Not that I don't mind...
But it's nice to talk, to learn more about him, so on and so forth.
We all stayed at Kevin's last night, which pretty much resulted in no one sleeping. I was laying on Colter in a big comfy couch untill he just up and left without a word or a kiss.
Everybody has a feeling Colter is hiding in the closet, which would make me the "I'm still in denile" girlfriend.
I'm too sleepy to continue...
So last night, I broke the vicious cycle of me being single and unkissed. Kev, Colter, and I went to dinner. Colter and I like made out in the back of kev's car the whole way up the mountain. it was nice, I gotta tell ya... although, I sure did think it was going to be more complicated, or magical.. I mean, the books really give kissing more hype than it truely deserves. But I enjoyed it..
I got my nails done today, acrylics... what was I thinking? I can't type, write, eat, or drive properly... Oh, and by the way, Colter is joining us at Prom.. Thanks to kaniving kevin... I really owe kevin big friggen time now...
He's so cute! Cutie Starbuck is just adorable! We (Kev and I) went too see him at lunch, he was so cute! He was like leaning on the register screen, his head on his arms, he was just so deliciouse... I wanted to just take him with me! And he was looking at me is this really cute, soft, like, curiouse way... Oh my, my... Thank you God, for answering my prayers...
Kevin was telling me that Q.S. thought it was a little like, first grade to flirt by tickling. But uh... in love, I'm at about 1st grade. But I did enjoy th whole just holding hands and cuddling.. (I guess he told Kevin he did,too) I know I'm taking things kinda slow, but, well.. it's a lot of firsts here... YEAH for the imature 18 year old girl who's never been kissed!
I lost Rusty's number... I was going to call him and chat, but... well... it's hard to do without a number.. So I guess I won't..
Q.S. and Mr M.M.S. are different... Mr. M.M.S. was like fun to talk to, and I didn't have to worry about being too childish, because he was just like that. Q.S. is more serious, I think, although I don't really know him that well (but I want to).. I don't know..
Prom is this Saturday.. I was going to invite Q.S.. but one week isn't enough time to get stuff together.. So we're all going stag! Woo hoo and yippie!
I hope for more stuff done with Q.S.. a date would be nice.. but hanging out with Kevin and Erin(even though I think she doesn't really want Q.S. "ruining our fun") is fine. And that way ther's no silence... I dunno..
So Saturday, Kevin, Erin, Katie, Colter and I went to Mushashi's with Kev's parents... then we went to target, then we sat in Kevin's car in the parking lot of safeway listening to music for an hour...
Erin says I had my first cuddle session... I had my hand held for the first time, and would of had my first kiss if my head wasn't so far up in the clouds. It deffinitly was nice...
I'm deffinitly sheltered....
Life is so sweet right now...
Tickling is the perfect activity...
I love life!
Well, life is uneventful... I'm at school right now trying to pass the time away... And it sure is draggen along... Maybe Kevin will frind out weather or not Colter can come to his birthday party tomarrow night. That would deffinitly make my day.. then I could figure out a way ask him to prom.. I have two weeks....
Wish me luck!
Well. This week has been a mix of really good days and really bad ones. Well, one good day and the afterburn of the good day. But the rest of this week blows. I was hoping that Monday would lead on to something really really cool happening, but no.. Kevin's great sceme just made me look like a meanie..
Just what I needed...
Round two.. I thought I did this already..
So I guess I messed up big time today. Oh well. I don't mind being single, this old rejection thing, it doesn't hurt anymore..
Oh My Goodess. Oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!
Kevin and I decided to go to dinner last night at Feista Mexicana. As a joke, I suggested that Kevin invite Cutie Starbucks. Kevin did, and CS joined us. I was speechless! He sat right next to me and we chatted and Oh My Goodness he is delicious! After eating, we had a spitball fight, only I was left strawless. That was fun. Then Kevin "accedently" let it slip that I'm like uber ticklish. So Colter decided to tickle me. Even more fun was that Colter is just as ticklish as I am. So I got my sweet and fun revenge. As Kevin put it "he loved putting his hands on me.." lol
I'm so estatic, and really unprepared for any of this. Soposedly, he's already planning another date, well I guess it would be considered a first date, since last night was just dinner with Kevin. Oh jeez. this is just crazy. How is it that I'm like this close to actually dating the guy that last year Kevin and I oggled over at our favorite coffee shop? This so isn't me. This must be someone else living in my body.
I'm an idiot. I can't do anything right these days. Kevin is trying to hook me up with Colter, and I'm greatful, because I would never have the nerve to even get close to persuing anything beyond a simple conversation while he brews up my coffee. But, jeez, I'm new. But apparently, he's just as afraid of me as I'm afraid of him... lol.. I bet.
Like a absolute biscute like him is shy. Bull-crap.
Today was a Saturday... it was pretty boring, pretty uneventful..
I didn't go to starbucks today.. that's like, what- the first time this week... (they say I'm obsessed, a stalker.. no, I say I'm persistant, deturmined.)
come walk with me
out of left feild.
let's leave the norms,
the petty beleifs that
There's a little poem for ya,
Oh Happy Day!
Oh Beautiful Day!
Oh, oh! YEAH!
Me and Erin, we are so good to go!
Wow... this is new... I don't like this part... You know, the part where you realize things have changed between you and another person... not really being dumped, but having a conscensus that whatever was going on isn't really anything special.. isn't really anything at all. Just a glorified friendship...
I guess now I should begin my look again.. last time I started looking, it took me 17 years.. Oh well. I guess this is what I wanted...
People can really suck sometimes. They can lie, and cheat, and just be plain mean. I wish people were better than that. I mean, we have science to cure so many things and do so many things, but still we can't seem to find the cure for hate.
"Sooner of later, you're gonna hate her..
It's snowing outside. And it's cold. And the sky is dark and brroding and some how looking vulnerable. And I feel like that right now. Like I have a cold darkness inside me. It's hard for me to deal with some of the things in my life. I wish I could just put these hard to deal things in my life on a shelf, so I could handle it sometime inthe future when I'm not so sressed and pressured to do so many things at once.
Erin got dumped, poor girl. David is oficially an asshole. His excuse was that he needed to find god and she was in the way.. jerk..
I'm so glad I have Kevin.. he's really helping me think my problems out.. I know he's a little bias, but his opinions are valid. I just wish what needed to be done was easier.. I don't know if I can do it. But things would be better if I went through with it.. I would probably, heck, I know I would sleep better..
And then I think, maybe I should leave well enough alone. I mean, I have a good thing, why try to find something better. But don't I deserve... I don't know...
I think I'm falling in love... And falling is the perfect word for it. Because you really are just flailing around, trying to gain some sort of control over the situation are not being able to get a foothold on anything. Ya know that feeling that you get when you're on the side of the pool and you think you can
lift yourself out of the pool by your arms? And you get almost to that point where you can put you butt up on the ledge of the pool and you arms are just not strong enough or long enough to do the job so you fall weakly back into the water. That feeling of almost complete helplessness and weakness comes over you, and it's a little sad, but not too bad of a feeling over all.
So that's what I feel right now. I've usually had the upper hand in the things in my life. I mean, freindships I can control and manipulate. I know I shouldn't it should be 50-50 (but it's more like 75-25), but I know I'm keeping the ball in my coart. My friends usually don't care that much. But with Mr. M.M.S., well, he's leading this dance I think. And I'm here flailing weakly about trying to get a handle of these feeling and words I'm saying, and I'm finding it's getting harder and harder to do. Like everything is covered with Vasaline or KY (Grodey comparison, I know, but it's fitting in a funny, ironical way).
Now I know how a peice of fruit feels in a jello mold... just floating there not having any say...
I don't know if I like being powerless. It's like I'm being an actual girl, not leading like the butch freak mean people compare me to behind my back. But I like Mr. M.M.S., and I love him (in that shallow, but wanting to be an in depth way that teenagers feel), and I like talking to him, and I'm anticipant to see him again. And tha's another thing. When I do se him again. My first kiss at almost 18 will be enevitable, which get's me wondering what kind of a kisser I am. And I know he won't care, it's the thought behind it, the emotions, that are the reasons mushing two people's lips together is romantic. I know what kind of a kisser I'll be, a stiff prude. I know I'm harsh on myself, but at least I'm honest. And besides kissing, there'll be hugging and hand holding and keeping our bodies in close proximity for long amounts of time, and I don't know if I like my body enough to let someone else be pawing it... And definitly no sex, not now, not for a few more years. Teens shouldn't be having sex. Lindsay had sex, and look at her now, a high school dropout with a baby. So definitly no sex for a while.
But love. Love is for now. And it scares the crap out of me.
(Grmble Grumble) Stupid weto, that prick!
Scared the bejesus out of me...
I'm going to kill him, and tell God he died...
So I'm in Texas right now. And I'm smiling like a fool. Ya'll can guess the culprite. Mr. Makes Me Smile... once again living up to his code name. He left me a new good for soul saying and I just now read it before dinner here at my grandparents house. It was hard to keep this goober smile hidden through out the meal, but I managed. Right now, I am too far away from Mr. M.M.S... it's like 14 hours as apposed to like 4. Just entirely too far away. I wish I could have kidnapped him and taken him with me here to El Paso, them I could do with him what I please.
You guys are going to be so jelous of me whan I tell yall what my grandparents got me today. First, they lead us around the house and show us a white 2004 blazer. Guess who just got a car for college? so that's cool right there. But then, they say to me, "Zia, go look in the utility room." I do and there is a nice nice laptop just wating for me. I am so stoked. So if Mr. M.M.S. was here, everything would be perfect.
The car trip was friggen crazy. At least I didn't have to drive. Me driving with all of my family there makes me a crazy little child.
So a few days ago, I found these two cd's at the dollar store. They're pretty good for only being a dollar. Jon Fulton and Exiter Fluid. Not too shabby at all.
Kevin is snowboarding with Colter today. Lucky butt-munch. I am so jelous. It should be me. At least I could look cute fumbling down the slope pretending I don't need help while actually I do and he knows it...
Oh I'm Bad...
In other news...
I am officially allergic to smoke. Usually I cough when I around smokers, because that sudden rush of pollution in my lungs isn't what my lungs like to breath in. But most of the time it's just because I'm trying to make that cancer stick sucker feel bad. But My grandmother smokes. And I can't be mean to her, she's just a cute little of lady. So I suffered through an evening of smoke, trying to escape from the wafts of smoke by going outside when every I could. (Which led to a trip to the high school to watch a basketball game with my cousins which led to my cousins showing where I my dad had carved his name in the wall of the girls' bathroom back when he attended Jal High.) That night, after my aunts had taken my cousins home, I started to feel like I was about to puke. My only escape was the bedroom where my grandmother hadn't been in while.
Another part of visiting my grandma that grosses me out is everything is dirty. Food in her fridge neeeeeever gets thrown out. she broke her dishwasher so everything is washed poorly by hand. so everything is greasy, old, moldy, dirty and smokey. yu-uck.
What is this love at which fickle teens play?
I was thinking about that line while in the car today. I wanted it to be the starter of a poem, but I couldn't think with the bumpy roads beneaths out tires. I think it's a good line. How can fickle teens say they feel the same emotion mature adults use to deturmine if they want to spend the rest of their life with a person? It's crazy. I don't think teens should say 'I love you' so flipantly. We should have another phrase to say to the person we are extremly close to. Like, 'I promise myself to you'... or something chivalrice like that. or maybe we could say something like, 'Someday yours'. There we go. that's a good, short. and it would convey our emotions.
Jeez, I don't know..
Over and out
I got contacts today!!!! Well, actually, just a contact, since I only wear one in my left eye. It kinda itches a little.... like I have an eyelash in my eyes.Turns out, I can put the contact in like a pro, but it takes me like 10 stupid minutes to get the little bugger out...
I'm going to be at District Retreat this weekend. Then Monday I'll be snowboarding. Then the rest of the week I'll be down in Texas hanging out.
So Jon, our extintion agent for 4-H visited my web page and said quote, "you web page is scary". I believe there is a difference between scary and friggen awesome...
Well, I have to stock up on silly string and duct tape for the trip!
Bye, bye, bye!
So hey guys.
Spring Break is coming up, and I'm so bummed. I can't go snowboarding! I have a 4-H thing to go to, then I am going to Texas to visit my grandparents, get a prom dress, and aquire a killer, sexy goddess tan. A double tan*, to be spicific. So I have a lot to do in those times, all to look good on prom night. I don't even know if I'm gonna have a date, I mean, Kevin will always go with me, and we'll have fun, but.... no, I had a date last time and it sucked, I think I'll just stick with my best friend in the whole wide earth. Soposidly, we're getting a red hummer limo... we'll see if that happens. (we all know how reliable Kevin is...No worries puddin pop, I still love ya till it hurts!)
I'm in this weird mood, I'm listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, and their music, well the cd I'm listening to currently is all slow and you could probably waltz to it. (Lily, my one and only, I can hardly wait till I see her. Silly I know I'm silly, 'cause I'm hanging in this tree, in the hopes tha she will catch a glimpse of me.... Lily, my one and only, love is in my heart and in your ey-es....) They are real mellow and cynicalish... I like 'em. another song of theirs is "Love is suicide". I agree sometimes. (Beautiful, you're beautiful, as beautiful as the sun. Wonderful, you're wonderful, as wonderful as they come.... But you just can't tell who you'll love and who you will want...)
So I guess I'll say good bye now...
*a double tan is when you fake-n-bake* and then lay out in the sun for a while, thus, you get a double tan in a small amount of time.(I think a regular tan is in order, then I can use the sunless tanner to fill in any tan lines I get)
faken-n-bake is the act of using sunless tanner
It's kinda hard for me, I think, to let myself fall completly in love. I mean, that's giving yourself over completly, letting all of your defenses down, leaving yourself vulerable. I've tried to do that in the past, but it always seems like all that happens is I get burned, screwed over, rejected.
I don't know why I'm typing this, because someone will read this and probably use it against me. But I would hope people are better than that.
I would hope...
It's 1 in the morning and I can't sleep.
So this thing called love. I don't really understand it. Why do people say that they love someone they hardly know? I mean, why would you tell a person you chat with on the phone a few times a week that you love them? Because in all reality, you know you don't love that person, you really just care about them a lot. I mean, David and Erin, they can tell each other they love each other because they see each other all the time and they know both their imperfections and they can still tolerate one other. So today, when I told a special someone I loved them, I thought to myself, 'Do I really love this person, or am I just saying it back as to not sound like a heartless bitch?' I realized I was just saying it because it's what I should do as a psudo-girlfriend. That's not good, it's not honest. But I hope someday I do really mean it in that 'I want to grow old with you and I don't care if you have hairy knuckles' kind of way. But for now I say it in a 'I really enjoy your company and I like you a lot and you make me feel special even though you embarrass the crap out of me with some of the stuff I say or type and you think it's cute so you read it back to me' kind of way.
I think some people think I'm a cold, heartless bitch. And I guess I am, to a point. But it's easier to be a cold bitch and never get your heart broken than to be some clingy airhead that chases after ever heart-breaker and sobs and sniffles her way around for weeks when he looses interest in her.
David told me something pretty wise today. He was telling me that to a guy, the type of 'relationship' Mr. M.M.S. and I have is the best type because there's no real commitment, just a few phone calls to keep the girl happy.. He also gave the three week rule: if we don't talk for 3 weeks, the breakup is understood and accepted by both parties.
We didn't get to go to the Flogging Molly concert because Erin didn't have any ID... it sucks.. but life goes on..
I am so busted...
Mr. M.M.S. decided to call me today, because he "stumbled" across my journal and PRINTED IT OFF!!! I swear, that's cheating. He then proceded to read all of my entries pertaining to him aloud. No one is really soposed to read these. This is like my website for my eyes only. It's hard to rant about people when they read it.
This wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't of written some of the awful stuff I've been writting these past few days.. I think Mr. M.M.S. called becuase he was afraid I was going to run into Starbucks and make babies with Cutie Starbucks (which I would never, never, ever, not even in my dreams think about doing at Starbucks) or kiss every pretty boy I see at the Floggig Molly concert tomarrow (because have you seen the guys that go to those concerts? most of them are weirdos that actually got dating tips from Napoleon Dynomite). But I don't know.. I think this journal thing is no longer working.
I have a seriously crazy week. It's CSAP week, so I don't have to come in to class untill 10:30. So me and my friends have used this oppurtunity to going into the springs for breakfast and general goofing off. And I had a huge research paper due today, and on top of all that, I've been torn between keeping a fizzle long distance relationship with Mr. Makes Me Smile(whom I care deeply for and would do anything to not break his beautiful heart and I wish I could see him more often) or going back to my bitter, single, controling, independant, and lonely self. And my freinds don't really help. They are all rooting for me to let him off gently, and hope that at a later time when we live closer that we can pick up where we had left off. But they also say that what me and Mr. M.M.S. have isn't exactly anything "official" and I shouldn't lose any sleep if I can't see him or talk to him everyday. I know I need to talk to him myself and work everything out, but I don't want it to end badly. I don't really want it to end at all.
Jeez, being in a relationship is tough work. I thought it was all kisses and hand holding and deep conversations. I really havn't missed out on much have I?
So I really, really like Mr. Makes Me Smiles. I do. I might even love him. But he lives so, so far away. It makes me sad. And I havn't really been sucessful with planning an outing closer to him where he can actually show up. I'm sure the next time I'll see him is in June at State 4-H Conference, where I met him.
I talked to Cutie Starbucks on Friday. Wow. He complimented my green shoes (old navey converse know-offs I got for $3), we chatted about music and snowboarding. I showed him my horseshoe shaped bruise. Then he did this...
Cutie Starbucks "sigh I'm just going home and hoping something fun will happen sigh... What are you guys doing? I'm sure it's going to be so much fun..."
Kevin "Oh we're going to watch a movie and have a blast!"
Cutie Starbucks "oh sigh that's sounds like so much fun! sigh
He sounded like he really wanted to go.. I wanted to invite him to come with us SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad. But I was too shy/wired on my chai tea frapachino to do much inteligent talking, and Kevin didn't want me to be embarassed the whole night. So he didn't go.. And I was so bummed.
I went looking at some other people's web sites, and, not to sound like the concided jerk that I am, my website is a lot better than most out there. Most are like, "Hi! I'm so and so, and I rock, no, I suck... look at my links! I haven't updated my site in 6 years!"
Sorry, I had to get it out. I'm bored with no cure. I don't even think a call from Mr. Makes Me Smile could cure this boredom.
Ok guys, a quick piece of advise: If a girl that you like (and she likes you) but she lives far away(heck, even if she lives down the street) invites you to do something, it's not just for your company, that's what a phone is for. She wants to BE with you! That means you could definitly get some hugging, kissing, snuggling, and cuddling, and maybe even some hanky panky if she's a slut in.
Are boys just complete idiots? Or are girls just phenomenaly smart? Probably both...
So I just did something really stupid...
I was doing some spring cleaning in my web shell, and managed to delete this page! So I just spent the last fifteen minutes redoing it. I'm such an idiot....
March 1, 2005
Smile, I said something a little dirty.
February 28, 2005
Yikes.. I have this massive headache and a massive amount of homework to do as well.. not a good combinaion.
So Kevin is apparently hiring this uber hot ex-aberchombie and fitch model to pose as his boyfrind at school.. and I get to see him. Sweet bliss... I hear he's an absolutly delectible, delicious biscuit...
Let's hope Kevin remembers to share...
February 26, 2005
So, I'm chatting with The Poet.. it's kinda awkward while trying so hard to not be awkward which makes it even more awkward... Oy Vey... But I'll press on...
Poor guy! His Computer cratered on him, causing him to loose all the stuff he had wrote.. I so feel for him. (Remember we thought out comp crashed, when in reality all that happened was a buttload of viriuses?)He was asking me if I had any of his work.. I did somewhere, but I think in a fit of 'I'm so over him' rage, I deleted it all. but of course, I didn't tell him that... I guess we're both going to the same university... yeah... (not)
So Mr. Makes Me Smile called last night. So I guess I'm not giving up on him... I think I have strong girly feelings for him...
I'm such a nerd...
February 26, 2005
So the moon looks pretty tonight. Big, full, silver.
I was going to try to chat with The Poet tonight, but my computer says I have to download a new version of MSN, and it's taking for-ev-er! So maybe tomarrow...
I've given up on Mr. Makes Me Smile. He lives so far away, it's silly of me to even think I could start and keep something like I thought I could with him. So I'll enjoy him when (if ever) he calls, but I'm not going to call him my 'boyfriend' or any of that stupid goobery stuff.
Some may call me a bitch, but I'm just realistic..
Maybe that's the real reason I am so unlovable.
February 25, 2005
So life sucks real bad around my house. I'm pretty sure, like, my whole family hates me.
And I pretty much sobbed on someone I don't really know that well's shoulder this morning because I was so upset. So now I feel like an idiot, and I'm slightly scared to go home tonight. I'm probably going to be grounded from like everything.
Jeez, I hate it when my mom acts like a drama queen and makes me look like this evil devil child. Ya know, I think I'm adopted, really and truely. Becuase, 1) I don't look like anyone in my family and 2) they treat me like I'm not really their kid. Like I'm baggage.
Maybe they don't want me to come back once I leave. Maybe they're just trying to make sure I hate them enough to leave for college. Or maybe, just maybe my mom was in a crappy mood because she lost her job and she's taking it out on me because everybody hates Zia.
I don't know. I give up. Slit my wrists and let me die already....
February 24, 2005
I am sad today.
February 23, 2005
So I went snowboarding.
It was just Erin, Kevin and I. We tons of fun. I obtained a few knarly bruises (Photo's of The Bruise will be posted in the photo gallery as soon as I get my camera developed).
There's this one bruise I got on my knee, I've been showing it off. I am so proud of my injuries. The other bruises are in unshowable places. I gots one on my hip and two on my bum.
On your bum?
yes on my bum. and also there's this one on my knee that's turning green.
And one on your bum.
Yes, there are bruises on my bum.
But that's been like three days ago. So now, here I am, not having any fun and trying to figure out a way to lure Mr. Makes Me Smile down to where I could see him, since the snowboarding trip didn't exactly acomplish that.
So, speaking of Mr. Makes Me Smile, I don't know what to think about him.. I mean, I don't exactly think I can call him a boyfriend, because that usually involves dates or a least saying 'I love you' a the end of every phone call. He's like a friend, but a little more. I don't know.
THIS, is why I'm undatable. Because I can't find myself attracted to someone that lives close, or liked me, or knows I friggen exist.
February 18, 2005
Tomarrow, I am going snowboarding. For the second time in my life. It should be fun. And painful.
Wish me luck!
Am I damned to be single for all of eternity?!!!
February 17, 2005
I'm going snowboarding this weekend. And Mr. Makes Me Smile won't go with us.. :(
Which kinda defeats the whole point of going on this silly trip. You see, I have snowboarder once. I did a great job of flailing and tumbling down the hill while my dad video taped the whole bad ordeal. Mr. Makes Me Smile is this like pro on snow. So I planned this whole sceme to give me a reason to see him. But, alas, he's busy. Some crazy excuse about baby animals.. Once again, 4-H screws me over.
In other news. I have a four day weekend! Yea!
Ok, how wierd is this, I have a thing for lefties. I've noticed that I look to see what hand a person writes with before anything else...And if their a lefty like me it's like BAM!, instant connection...
dude, I'm so weird...
February 14, 2005
So it wasn't so bad. I'm just a dork.
I got a rose. (From myself, but I don't care)
I got chocolate. I gave balloons to my friends.
I even talked to Mr. Makes Me Smile. We didn't talk too, too long.. I thing he was distracted mutilating a teddy bear...
Right now, I'm eating hershey hugs and kisses and some with caramel. This is the only part I like about Valentine's Day, chocolate, and lots of it.
Who ever ends up marrying me will have to use lots of chocolate. I can see it now, proposal with chocolate. He'll smother me with kisses. (Both chocolate and real) and then he'll get on one knee and pop the box open. In it will be a silver wrapped hershey kiss with the tag saying "Will You Marry Me" and a ring sitting around the peice of chocolate. Now that's romance.
I wonder, is it possible to get a white gold wedding ring instead of gold? I look yucky with gold jewelry.
I have decided that taffy is the fruitcake of the candy world.
Well, I guess I have nothing else to type about. I mean, I have tons to talk about, but, well, I can't type all I want anymore. My friends are frequenting here... OH!! BIG WORDS!!
February 13, 2005
Twas the night before Valentine's Day and all through the house
The Blue collar comedy tour 2 was on every tv.
And there I was all comfy on the couch
And for the first time this week
My cell phone went off.
Once again I've realized I've goofed
And that I think just too much
A friend of mine
I wish he was more.
and tell me what up
Ok, so I can't do any more poetry... I think too much.
Turns out Mr. Makes Me Smile and Kevin have something in common. Scary huh? They both were phoneless this week. lol..
So I bought myself a rose. I know I ain't getting one from anybody else, which is cool by me. I got balloons for all my friends for V-Day...
February 12, 2005
So yeah, sorry about my little break down there yesterday... It wasn't a very good day. This whole week's kinda sucked.
I'm kinda doing my day dreaming thing, thiking about something cool that would happen. Like a secret admirer coming into the shop and sweeping me off my feet with a huge kiss..
But then someone walks into the shop, and it's not a georgouse man that smells good. It's that crazy lady that wants to talk.
Ya know, we have these heart shaped balloons.. but when they're not fully inflated, they look a little obscene. Like a pair of boobs..
Isn't that great, we girls get the weirdist names for our femmy parts.. Boobs.... that sounds like a neanderthalic grunt. Ugg... Boob.... ::roar::
Oh sigh.. if only I had a cute boy that likes me in close proximity... I did, but we all know how that went... He wasn't exactly all over me. I think I secretly disgust him. That he's been taking to me all these times thinking I was some other person. And then he saw what I looked like and he quietly was appauled. Maybe he even went into his room and threw up.
I must say, when I saw him for the first time again I was in awe-ish. Mr. Makes Me Smile has a very intense
appearance. Georgouse, crystal-waters blue eyes, red hair... Oh yum..
Now, really, I shouldn't be getting all worked up over some guy that might like me. It's just a setup for another broken heart.
I'll be back, I'm sure... it's only 11:11...
(make a wish!)
February 11, 2005
I'm a Wreck.
Work is actually busy and I just can't handel it right now. I'm going spazzo on the customers and the printer is evil.
Valentine's Day Sucks. I just realized that even if I'm like I don't with Mr. Makes Me Smile, he lives far far away. I will, once again, be alone on V-Day. There will be no one kissing Zia by candel light. No heart shaped boxes of chocolate except from my mom...
I'm like ten seconds from crying
Who am I to want one friggen perfect day? Who am I to think I could even not be alone.
February 7, 2005
I don't know if this really makes LDC any better, but shortly after I typed that last post on Monday night, Mr. Makes Me Smile called and told me he was all types of horrible for ditching me at LDC. I then proceded to tell not to worry, I would survive.
We chatted untill like 9:30-ish. His phone disconnected us, he called back, I made sarcastic remark, he hung up again, he called back I said "I knew you would call back" he hung up again. then called and was quickly disconnected.
I think I might of pissed him off somehow.. But I'm to obliviouse to know what I said wrong. So I'm just hanging out, thinking way to much into everything, Just like I always do..
February 7, 2005
So yeah, LDC sucked. The workshops were stupid. Half the state hates my county. And I really shouldn't of got my hopes up at all over anything involving the chance of my nonexistant love-life.
Yes, you guessed it. That guy I've been falling for, Mr. Makes Me Smile, didn't really play the sweep-me-off-my-feet card like I thought he would. So here I am now, home from the whole fiasco, glad to have seen him, but wishing I had drug him into a corner and fixed my little never-been-kissed problem...
But, alas, I could never keep him in one place for more than a few minutes before he wandered off...
Poor, Single, unloved, lonley, jaded, depressed, me without a valentine....
February 3, 2005
So yeah, LDC is this weekend. And I'm sick.. Great!
I'm still gonna go, but no there definitly won't be me getting all snuggley with some buiscutlicious boy. Unless, of coarse, h's like immune to everything.
So I'm bummed out. No kisses for Zia. My life story... ::sad and depressing sigh::
February 2, 2005
Oh my great goodness!
A deliciouse buiscut boy just came into the shop I work at. He was.. oohhhhhhhh... perfectly yum.
He's a photographer and journalist, self advertising himself. He gave me a card of his, wow.. he was so munchable. Evan Rau.... a good name...
He had some pretty cool work... maybe I'll get him to do something for me... a one on one session maybe...
Oh I'm so bad!
Good lord, it doesn't take much to get me all bothered with myself...
February 1, 2005
ok.. right now I'm doing a definite Snoopy dance at work...
I talked to Mr. Makes Me Smile... I do lurve (I would say love, but lurve sounds so much more suave) that boy...
I hope that this isn't another empty crush of mine... because that would suck...
please just don't play with me,
my paper heart will bleed..
January 31, 2005
Ug! I'm sick. My ears are stopped up, my eyes are watering, my throat hurts, my nose is drippy. This is not good. LDC is in a week! I have to get better! I can't go on a 4-H trip all icky. It totally sucks all the fun out of it.
Damn you germs!!!!
so are there any instant get well cures anyone can think of? Like licking a nickle(which I'm sure caused more diseases than would help. Did you know like 80% of all change has been in a urinal? Yuck huh? The scarey thing is, someone is picking up that peed-on change. That'll teach you to stick change in your mouth!) or drinking 60 gallons of orange juice in 3 seconds?
So any ways... I have a song stuck in my mind.. The All American Rejects, "Paper Heart". Please just don't play with me, my paper heart will bleed!
doo doo doo!
January 30, 2005
Well, guys, I've been found out..
(Note to Self: STOP WRITTING EVIDENCE ON THIS PAGE!)
Someone I've been writting about lately found my website. Well actually, I gave it to him so he could see my picture gallery.. and he had a looksy..
And he told me he read my journal.. So I'm busted.. but I don't care.
I'm still gonna type here about my crazy lonerific life. I'll just have to use code names again... So let's see... I'll give this guy in my mind right now the codename of.... sunshine? no, too sissy. How about... buffalo bill? no, too silence of the lamb. I don't know... how about Mr. Makes Me Smile... that'll work...
SO LDC is only a week away... it should be fun, that is if I'm not still sick with this soar throat and runny nose crap... I woke up to a semi-soar throat and one nostrile very much plugged. It sucks..
Well back to LDC, it should be fun.. I'll see old friends, new friends, do workshops, get no sleep, silly string and duct tape someone... It'll be awesome. ok, so maybe no duct taping anad silly stringing someone... I think we've got everyone, except our extention agent, Jon "Blues Clues Steve" Vrebec....
::insert Zia's evil grin here::
Well I gotta go!
January 22, 2005
Well last night was cool...
Rusty called a few times while I was in school. At lunch I attempted to ask him to join all of us (Kevin, Erin, David and I) to go see White Noise after I got off work. He declined, which was probably better since David and Kevin's parents thought I was on a date with them. (Jeez, I'm a player all of the sudden!)
We all dog piled in the movie seats (with the arm rests raised it makes a cool couch). There were these kids behind us, they talked the whole freaken time! We yelled at them. A lot.
Then, after the movie, Kevin parents, who thought he was at a friends house, tailed us. But we lost them by turning into a dead end neighborhood... (My idea I must add)
Then I woke up Rusty with a call at like, oh... 10pm... He didn't last long before he got sleepy and I said good bye...
Then, while getting dinner at sonic, Kevin's mom listened to s talk. (His phone accedently got picked up when she called. Again, my fault...)
So all in all, I got home at like 11:11, made a wish (I bet you can't guess what I wished for), and went to bed around midnight.
And that's why I'm writing about this morning, slightly sleepy and happy...
January 20, 2005
Mortified, I am totally mortified. Embarrasses. Nervous. A little giddy. Scared. Worried.
All becasue my little brother sent a text message to Rusty. A text message from my phone. A text message that said "Will you go out with me?"
It wasn't ten seconds that Rusty called. He wanted to know what it was all about. Weto, my little brother, talked to him for a little bit before I took the phone. In all that time I was there having a panick attack.
Everything I was nonchalantly working up to was too quckly trust into the here and now. Yikes!
Poor, poor me. Poor shy me.
January 17, 2005
Not much has happened since I last wrote on here. So I guess I won't write anything...
January 13, 2005
So, ok, my last entry was just a little vague...
So let me now explain everything, stopping every now and again to burst out in happy giggles and snoopy dancing.
Rusty is this guy I met last June at state 4-H conference. And I was digging him and I stole his shirt... We both went our seperate ways, and I guess he lost my email address because I didn't hear from him for a few months.
But then, out of the blue, I get an email from him asking if I have his shirt because he couldn't find it. I sent back a reply saying:
"I do have your shirt, there is a ransom. Leave your weight in gummi bears at the woodland park starbucks."
He also gave me his number, which when I tries to dial it didn't work.
Again, about two months later, I get an email, in which he proceeds to do the math for the gummi bear ransom. There is witty banter thrown backand forth a little over the day.
when I went to work the same day I got his email, he called me.
We talked for like an hour.
(This was all on Monday)
He called me again on Tuesday while I was at home, taking a bath..
This love thing, it's so crazy. But is this love? He didn't call last night, I thought about calling him, but then again, what if he doesn't like me in that way, or if he was busy, or what? I know, I'm acting a little paranoid and putting the cart before the horse and all that jazz, but I hope everything works out..
Did I mention he's a friggen genius? He's like a math wiz that got to skip his junior year of high school. I don't know what to say, he's like so smart and here I am, the average joe in grades, barily passing my math class.
And he keeps like complimenting me and saying stuff like I'm pretty, and I don't get that much. I guess it's like a shock, and I still can't believe it.
I get to see him at LDC and return his shirt(I wanted to keep it) :(
I can't wait
Turns out Cutie starbucks has a thing for some other girl in my high school. Story of my life. They're snowboarding today.. oh well..
January 10, 2005
I am talking to an old friend Rusty... yeah
January 3, 2005
It's the firt entry of the year!
So I have some giddy loser news! Cutie Starbucks knows my name. Well, so does everybody else that works there, but it made me feel very happy. I ordered a chai tea frapaccino, from the Kevin thst works there and he came from the back room to make my drink. So no biggie, as I watch him take a cup. ANd he says... and I quote "Zia, hi, do you want whipped cream and cinnimon sprinkles with that?" I know, I'm a loser with a crush that's borderline stalking. And I think when he handed me my drink, which I am now ejoying very very very much, he asked me 'how's it going?' But, it was at the same time I said thank you, so I wasn't sure. So now I'm thinking I could of actually talked to him, but Ce La Vi.... (what does Ce La Vi mean anyways?)
Oh and I alomst forgot this last part..
It's too bad I don't have anyone to share this with. Kevin and I were have a spat via text messages. You see, he lies alot to me and Erin, his number one gal pals. And usually, we catch him in his fibs, and get mad. SO this time, it was New Years Eve. He had told me and Erin, together, that since he was the new guy at Starbucks(the place he sopisidly quit him job at Pizza Hut at to work there), he had to close on New Years Eve at 8 pm. Which was cool, I made plans to hang with him at work and at 8 bring everyone to my house to watch movies. Well I caught him in his lie when, on New Years Eve, after discussing the plan five times, he suddenly is working at Pizza Hut till 11. This ruins my plans completly. So I'm pissed about that, and about his lies, and everything! So we got in this argument, and he insulted me and I told him I didn't think we should be friends again.
So now, as I type, we're tryingto work things over. But it's hard when all you want to do is yell and cry all at the same time. I mean, I want to be his friend. Kevin is so fun to go with to the movies, or cruising around town, or to look at boys. But this imperfection, it's just hard to live with.