i'm glad I'm healthier, mentally anyways.. I've for the most part stopped drinking caffine.. I haven't had an energy drink, save for a red bull chaser for jagere shots for several weeks. The four agreements really helped me start treating myself better. I'm not remorseful on the break-up. the more time that passes the mroe I realize how much I stifled myself to fit into his life. while I'm not 100% ready to leap into another relationship, I am ready to start looking again.. trying to find someone that appreciates me for me. when I look around in my life, I realize i do have  poeple-guys- that I know and could persue if I wanted to.. and it's not that I don't want to.. it just seems like something is holding me back from getting closer to anyone I already know. maybe that's why I find it so much easier to date total strangers who don't know my circle of friends.. when things go sour I don't have to see them ever again.. I don't have to explain to mutual friends why we're not together anymore. but consequently it seems like i can't find someone that loves me like my friends do... it's hard to find someone that'll love a girl that doesn't want to fuck. it's hard to be myself sometimes when I'm met with so much negativity. so for now I'm just being myself, by myself, and loving it. 

it still hurt to officially say good bye.... mostly because the last thing he said was "love you". I'd been waiting five months for him to say that... not like this though... oh well.... what's done is done..

damn it. I'm not sliding into his trap  again. Rich can say that he was jsut really busy but that's a lie... probably one he has to tell himself... I knew he'd be wanting to get back together.... i've seen him do that twice before with me.. and I'm not going to let him treat my emotions like a yo yo.  I'm not going to tell myself another lie to make myself believe I want to be with him.
(I read the four agreements and it's helping me)

things are looking up!

si I'm glad I talked to rich.. things seem to be ok.. although he's avoiding the whole girlfriend title thing.... I still don't know if this thing as a relationship is working.. but we'll see... I'm not going to act taken anymore... unless he makes things official....

I'm going to have to just wait this one out.. I shouldn't jump to conclusions.. and if the worst happens.. well I've been dumped before

ok Rusty, here's your happy upbeat post...  Tony's birthday is Saturday.. I'm going to have a lot of fun,, I decided to ask Rich up front about the whole where I stand thing with him...

I haven't cut in weeks... happy? and I'm smiling every now and again....

sorry to have called you when I was all down and out.. but well... i thought you could help.. you always do... so thanks..

for some reason I'm thinking of Bonner again...

it's so tough to see a group of young up-and-coming musicians stopped in their tracks by tragedy. On what should have been a happy day, the debute of their cd release, which was going to kick off a nation wide tour for them, Tickle Me Pink, a local band from the fort found one of their bandmates dead. Liz, one of my friends, was good friends with them, went to school with them. She heard the news on the radio and and called me in tears. How tragic to find out one of your friends is dead via the radio.

according to Rich, I have three speeds: asleep, dead and figiting.... insert goofy girly smile here...